Royal round up: 13th May (Coronation Special)

Well hello everyone and welcome to another royal round up! If you’re in the UK, I really hope you’ve been enjoying the glorious back-to-back bank holidays. And there’s still another one at the end of May!

I’m getting so used to this now, I may write to Parliament and ask for three-day weekends to be a permanent thing

Well I don’t think I need to tell you what the biggest news of the last fortnight has been as we’re all aware, but let’s start with the events leading up to The King’s Coronation and how the Royal Family got into the spirit of things…

The Prince and Princess of Wales prepare for the Coronation

At the forefront of the celebrations were none other than the Prince and Princess of Wales, who visited the Brecon Beacons in Wales, to spend time with the Central Beacons Mountain Rescue Team.

“Isn’t it great being back in Wales, Will?”

“I’d honestly rather shove the Welsh flag up my arse on live TV, but ok.”

And the first stop– abseiling down a side of the mountain, which William and Catherine approached with much gusto.

“Listen yah– Kate and I had a few too many G&Ts on the train in last night, so let’s keep this brief; down the mountain and then off to the local for a roast and hair of the dog. None of this ‘rescuing people’ shit.”

As they got into their abseiling gear, with the aid of the rescue team, The Princess was seen turning to her husband and warning him that it was ‘not a race’.

“Remember darling– it’s a marathon, not a sprint.”

“Yeah well, you can take five hours to climb down if you want, Cath– I already need a hangover shit, so might be faster just to jump off.”

But once they began heading down the side of the mountain, the pair really got into it and couldn’t resist admiring the landscape.

“Isn’t the view from here just stunning, babes?”
“Think the only ‘stunning’ view the guys on the ground have is of my crushed crown jewels– why are these harnesses so fucking tight?”

The couple also took part in a few practice rescue exercises with the team, assisting with a scenario of aiding an injured person.

“Do we actually have to lift him? I’m not really sure about that, I just got my nails done.”

But the royal duo were only too happy to get stuck in to things and threw themselves into the exercise.

This takes me right back to my Search and Rescue days, yah– I can just remember-“

“William, fucking shut up and get on with it– I already slipped a disk 20 minutes ago.”

But once all the strenuous work was out of the way, it was time for a spot of lunch– which came in the form of pizzas from a nearby food truck, Little Dragon Pizza Van.

“So babe– you’re having the caviar and quail’s egg pizza and I’m having the foie gras and kimchi as usual?”

Ordering 12 pizzas for the Rescue Team, William and Catherine were only too delighted to deliver them to the staff at the national park, as they carried them away from the food van.

“Hold that stack properly, Kate yah– you’re all over the gaff.”

“Oh sorry– I must’ve missed the ‘Uber Eats Delivery Driver’ stamp on my fucking forehead.”

Heading back to the rugby club with their purchases, it was noted that the order had included three margherita, three pepperoni, three BBQ chicken and three goat’s cheese pizzas for them to tuck into.

“Yes yes, heir to the British throne and future Queen here, looking like a right pair of mugs carrying your takeaway. And it cost 120 quid. But fear not, it’s come out of your tax money anyway.”

However, it was a gesture that I’m sure was well received and the couple were only too eager to help out the team in any way they could.

“What do you mean you don’t like goat’s cheese? If I have to carry your pizza and my own umbrella, you can bloody well eat what we’ve given you.”

And it would never be a royal visit without the chance to meet the adoring crowds, who lined up in the rain to catch a glimpse of the royal couple.

“Yes, it’s the big red middle button, Sharon– just fucking take the photo before I die of old age.”

Perhaps Kate was having a better time with her meet and greet?

“Your Royal Highness, thank you for visiting us– this bouquet of Welsh daffodils was especially handpicked for you-“

“Ugh, cheers love– I’ll use them to cover my head when this shitty £2 umbrella gives out.”

But with Wales under their belt, it was time to look forward to other pre-coronation events, and the next stop was a little journey on the Elizabeth Line for the Prince and Princess.

“So Wills, I think we just… chuck the card over the barrier and it’ll open?”

“Fuck that– I think it might be faster to get Louis to run headfirst into them instead.”

As it clearly isn’t their usual method of transport, using the barriers took some getting used to, with the couple being provided with Oyster cards for the journey.

“But I’ve scanned my Order of the Garter medal FOUR times– why the fuck isn’t it opening?”

“It’s not accepting my RAF Pilot license either– what sort of station is this?”

Taking the new train line between Acton and Tottenham Court Road, the pair stunned onlookers as they made their way onto the platform and joined other commuters.

“I’m just saying, my husband is heir apparent to the throne and instead of an SUV, I’m getting into a packed carriage that smells like Burger King and piss. Not exactly what I signed up for.”

Taking their seats on the train, the couple chatted happily to others around them as they departed from the station and headed for Soho.

“So we can just sit anywhere? We’re not going to catch anything? You know, like COVID… or syphilis?”

But by the time they reached the other end, the royal couple were positively parched and couldn’t wait to visit their next stop– The Dog and Duck pub in Soho.

“Really great to see you all– we’ll be over to say hi in a minute!”

“Kate, put your fucking hand down yah, I’m gasping for a pint– we’re not saying hello to anyone until I’ve attacked a Peroni.”

And inside the pub, the couple got to work learning how to pour pints– something that Prince William was clearly enjoying getting to grips with.

“So when I wanted pizza the other day, I had to pay for and carry it; now when I want a pint, I have to pour it… If I want a packet of pork scratchings, do I have to kill the pig for it too?”

But after a lesson in pint pulling, it was time for the couple to sit down and enjoy the fruits of their labour behind the bar– where they had their beers brought over by a member of staff.

“So that’s one for the Princess… One for the Prince….”

“Oh do hurry up Mary– by the time you put those pints down on the table, we’ll be prepping for my coronation.”

Chatting happily away to staff and customers, William and Kate seemed to really be enjoying the social aspect of the visit.

“So your Royal Highness, are you excited about your father being crowned?”

“Yeah, I’ll be with you in a minute, mate– just trying to finish my pint in a rare moment of peace.”

Following their pub sesh, it was outside to greet the crowds that had gathered to say hello to the Prince and Princess.

“I mean, we would like to stay longer yah, but they did give us a few shots of Sambuca as well and that combined with my heels and these Soho cobbles is gonna leave me with a black eye for Coronation Day, so we’re pissing off now.”

Before long, it was time for the couple to head home for the day– clearly having enjoyed taking in the pre-coronation atmosphere.

“‘Do you mind if Wills and I just make a quick stop? Dying for a ciggie and a kebab.”

But continuing with the ‘meet and greet’ theme the day prior to the coronation, The Prince and Princess of Wales undertook a walkaround on The Mall with King Charles and Queen Camilla, to speak with the public ahead of the big day.

“Oh my goodness, William, it’s just a sea of faces!”

“Bloody hell–we’re not a very good looking nation, are we?”

Speaking to the crowds who had lined up to meet the royals, The Prince and Princess were keen to discuss the coronation day ahead.

“Is that a commemorative sanitary pad with my father’s face on it?… Have you no shame, Margaret from Kansas?”

It was also a prime occasion to take selfies with the public– something the royals have gotten more into doing recently.

“Yes well, you’ve got the camera lens facing the wrong way and you’re actually photographing a lamppost, but I’m late for my spray tan, so there’s no bloody way I’m re-taking it.”

Kate stood chatting happily in the sunshine to well-wishers about the family’s ‘excitement and nervousness’ over the coronation the following day, following months of rehearsals at the Abbey.

“Honestly, it’s been so busy and nerve-wracking. I mean, not for me– I could honestly just show up in a tiara and fart and you’d all think I was the Second Coming– but for everyone else who’s less blessed in the looks department, it’s been super stressful.”

The King and Queen Consort also took to The Mall, with The King keen to greet his loyal subjects who turned out in their droves to wish him luck.

“Was-sup was-sup London, Big C in da house!”
“Wagwan brethren– tomorrow gonna be LIT, boiiii.”
“We’re really sorry about Dad– he’s been spending a lot of time down the pub in Elephant and Castle recently due to Coronation nerves. We’re hoping he stops speaking like that by tomorrow.”

And with the final public pre-coronation appearance done, it was time to turn our attention to the big day…

The Coronation of King Charles III

On Saturday 6th May 2023, King Charles was crowned as Charles III at Westminster Abbey in London– a momentous occasion as it was the first coronation to take place in 70 years.

“Trust me, I know.”

The day started early, with the Abbey undergoing final preparations just hours before the King was set to enter the building.

And at a little past 10:00am on a grey and rainy Saturday morning, King Charles and Queen Camilla set off in their carriage from Buckingham Palace to Westminster Abbey to be crowned.

“It smells a bit like smoke in here Cam– do you think we should alert the bomb squad?”

“Oh sorry babes, that was me– I had a quick ciggie in here before we set off.”

Slowly making their way down The Mall and past the crowds, The King and Queen waved to their subjects and took in the atmosphere on what was a truly historical day.

“Are you alright, Charles? You’re a bit quiet. Nerves?”
“No, I think it might have been those dodgy sausages at breakfast. Do you know if there’s a bog at the Abbey?”

Coming in just behind them was The Prince and Princess of Wales, with their two youngest children, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis of Wales.

“Kate, I think we might be a bit late you know, babes.”

“How? It’s only quarter to 11?!”
“You are late actually– we’ve been sat out here like a pair of twats for 10 minutes waiting for you to arrive.”
“We lost Louis for half an hour, Charlotte had a tantrum and I was getting my eyebrows done. So kindly fuck off.”

With the skewed arrival times sorted, it was time for Charles and Camilla to proceed down the aisle to Parry’s coronation anthem ‘I was glad’– followed in by the Wales family, who were the epitome of class and grace.

“Louis, stop fucking about and get your arse inside that Abbey or there’ll be no McDonald’s break for you during the ceremony.”

Of course, the family were sans Prince George, who was already in the Abbey to undertake his duties as pageboy for his grandfather.

“Grandpa, I know you’re The King and can do what you like, but you could’ve done your fly up at least, yah.”

And what of Harry The Traitor? Flying in on a private jet the night before, he showed up at the Abbey the next morning to watch his father be crowned King before heading straight back to Cali just after the ceremony.

Honestly, the speed in which he entered and left the UK, you’d think he popped to the pub for a swift half, rather than flying 11 hours to see his dad be crowned the King of Great Britain.

“Nah, I’m just here for a couple of hours, mate; straight to Heathrow after this and back on a plane before Meg realises I’ve even left the house, let alone the country. That’s the great thing about having a 50-room mansion– sometimes it’s days before she realises I’ve been out on a bender and not come home yet.”

But once the procession made it’s way through the nave and choir and all guests and family (and Harry) were seated, it was time to get the proceedings underway, with Charles and Camilla making their way down the aisle to Parry’s “I was Glad”.

“Well I did ask for a bit of Kanye West instead, but the Abbey said no.”

The ceremony was two hours in length, just one hour shorter than the coronation of Charles’s mother, Queen Elizabeth II– but it was so long and boring it seems even The King was having a tough time staying awake.

Your Majesty…?
…Your Maj?!

Most of the ceremony was actually spent handing Charles an array of weird objects as part of the ‘crowning’ process– most of which left him looking rather perplexed too.

“Fucking hell, what are you gonna make me hold next – the fridge from Clarence House?”

And of course, there was the religious aspect of Charles’s oath as King, with him making his own pledge to God.

“Sir, we admire your passion for God, but you only needed to lightly put your hand on it.”

I have to say though, he did look a little like a rabbit caught in headlights for a large majority of the ceremony; whether that was the weight of his new responsibilities weighing on his shoulders, the fact the Abbey was probably far too hot or just general boredom, who knows.

“Yes, you’d look a little taken aback too if you had to wait nearly eight decades just to wear a new bloody hat.”

There was also a sweet part of the ceremony where William, Prince of Wales pledged allegiance to his father as the now heir to the throne, where he then placed his hand on the crown.

Well.. I say ‘placed his hand’– he could’ve been trying to nick it for all we know.

“It’s ok Dad, I’ll take it from here.”
“…No seriously, hand it over yah– I’m not waiting 20 years for this shit.”

But with a failed attempt at grabbing the crown, it was a quick kiss between father and son and time for William to take his seat back at the altar.

“It’s ok, I’ll get it later. You’ll have to take it off some time. It’s not like you can sleep with it on.”
“Well I’ve done a bloody god job of sleeping with it on during this ceremony, so I wouldn’t be so sure, dear boy.”

But what of the children? While George performed his page boy duties, it was a long time for Charlotte and Louis to sit still, particularly William and Kate’s youngest who is only 5 and at that age, probably has the attention span of a flea.

“Mum, what time is the McDonald’s coming?… Mum? MUM!”
“Don’t fucking start, Louis– because this time I will clap you on live tv with the royal sceptre.”

And then there was the moment of Queen Camilla’s crowning– something that many Diana fans would have seen as bittersweet. I’m not sure even she could quite believe it had happened, to be honest.

“Fucking hell, from sidechick to Queen Consort of Britain? To all my fellow home-wreckers, hang in there ladies. It will pay off.”

Before anyone kills me, I’ve nothing against Camilla and don’t actually have an opinion on her. But even you have to admit she seriously levelled up by going from mistress to Queen.

Think I need to start hanging out with her and getting some tips

But with the ceremony over, there was still a long day ahead as the royals made their way back to Buckingham Palace in a procession from the Abbey– with the Wales family having their own carriage attached to the back of King Charles and Queen Camilla’s.

“Yeah, just you wait bitches– the next Coronation’s mine.”

The children also seemed to enjoy the procession as they waved to the crowds down The Mall.

“Come on boys– smile, wave and take in the scenery.”
“Man, those horses can shit for England.”

But for Harry, it was a shared car with Prince Andrew somewhere near the back of the procession.

“Uncle Andy! How’s it going, man? Joining me in the Exile E-Class huh?”

At some point off camera though, Harry’s vehicle veered away from the procession and on to Heathrow Airport, where he caught a flight back to California.

“Right, I’m off, fuckers; fire up the private jet– I need to write a speech for a climate change summit while I watch that new David Attenborough documentary about global warming.”

With Harry safely 38,000 feet in the air and en route back to Cali, the family could relax a little: sort of like when you can finally let out that fart you’ve been holding in after a date.

God bless

Heading back to the palace, there was a formal fly past over the balcony, where the family gathered to watch– and where the crowds gathered to glimpse the newly crowned King and Queen.

“Yes, let’s make this quick, Charles– I’ve left a vodka martini and plate of samosas back inside.”

The flypast was shorter than usual, lasting just two and a half minutes, but featuring some poignant participants, such as the Red Arrows. It really seemed as though the family were enjoying themselves.

“Right. It’s nearly 3pm, I’ve still not had a McDonalds and now it’s fucking raining. Can we wrap this shit up and go inside now?”

The majestic vibe was certainly not lost on other (more grown up) members of the family, who took in the atmosphere as they gazed out across the horizon.

“So what do you think Kate, babes? Truly grand, yah?”

“I think the flypast at our own coronation better involve more planes and last longer than two fucking minutes, or I won’t be attending.”

And with an ‘encore’ appearance from The King and Queen in front of the public, it was time for the family to head back inside and enjoy the rest of the day privately.

“So long, peasants. Thanks for the tax money and don’t forget to buy a mug with my face on it.”

But the celebrations didn’t stop there!

The next day, The Prince and Princess of Wales joined The Big Lunch in Windsor, where they got a chance to speak with members of the public.

“Yes, it really was a great day, wasn’t it? Just looking forward to mine and Will’s coronation now– shouldn’t be long now, hopefully only a few years max. Anyway.. God save The King!”

After what must have been a pretty late night for them both, the couple were both fresh faced and eager to greet Windsor residents following the coronation.

Cheers for the beer, mate– should take the edge off the raging hangover.”

Getting stuck into some drinks and snacks, the pair mingled with the public as they discussed the day before and looked ahead to the rest of the coronation weekend.

“Wish I’d had a beer instead– you’re all lovely, but this tea tastes like cat piss.”

And later on that night, it was time for the Coronation Concert in Windsor, with the whole royal family in attendance– sans Prince Louis who had been banned after last year’s jubilee concert.

“So Kate– why didn’t you bring little Louis tonight?”

“Because I don’t feel like doing 25 to life, Richard.”

The Wales family were captured arriving, with Prince George and Princess Charlotte accompanying their parents for the outing.

“Great– more smiling and flag-waving. There better be an open bar, Wills.”

Taking their seats in the VIP section ahead of the monarch and consort, the Wales family looked around the arena that had been set up for the big evening and in honour of The King.

“Don’ t look now Charlotte, but that woman over there looks suspiciously like Aunty Meghan from the back.”

“Who’s Aunt Meghan?”

And with the arrival of The King, it was time to get celebrations underway!

“Sorry we’re late– I don’t know if you’ve seen it yet, but there’s a bloody fantastic gin stall just down there. Thought we’d get a bit pissed to make this more interesting.”

But it was the kids who really got into the spirit of things, with George and Charlotte at the forefront, really showing a united front at siblings.

“Oh I fucking love a bit of rule Britannia! Come on Charlotte– wave that Union Jack!”
“You nearly took my bloody eye out, you oaf. Give me that flag before I make you eat it.”

I don’t know though, I think Charles and Camilla were really getting into things too. There was a lot of flag waving from both of them, at any rate…

“Guys, they’re singing my favourite, ‘Come on Eileen’! I’m all for people singing to save me, but I really think this needs to be the national anthem instead.”

The excitement did, however, eventually calm down– even for the monarch, who keenly observed the evening’s musical acts.

“I don’t know what you’re fucking clapping for, Cam– we asked for Eminem, not Take That.”

But with Sunday drawing to a close, it was on to Monday, and as part of an initiative called The Big Help Out, The Prince and Princess of Wales took their three children out in Berkshire to visit a scout group.

“Sorry we’re late! As you can see, I’ve had to literally drag this lot to spend time with the commoners.”

As President of the Scout Association, the Princess of Wales is used to attending events such as these– but even if her children were slightly newer to the idea, they got stuck straight in with helping out.

“I thought I was supposed to be royal yet I’m out here painting a bit of fucking wood?”
“Tell me about it. Fourth in line and I’m spending my Sunday pushing a bloody wheelbarrow about? What a piss take.”

But while Charlotte cracked on with her duties, Louis decided it was time for a break in the form of a sit down and a snack.

“Louis, have you considered getting off your arse maybe and coming to help?”
“Nah, they’ve brought out the marshmallows– I’m done for the day.”

Prince George also seemed to be getting into the swing of things, helping out with a bit of drilling while his mother looked on. It seemed like he was quite keen to learn the ropes.

“Ok young George, so let me explain to you how to correctly drill a hole into a wood slat–“

“Let me just stop you right there, Steve– I’m the future King, I doubt I’ll ever need to use a bloody drill myself. Let’s just get a photo of me holding it and then I’m fucking off for a marshmallow.”

But it wasn’t all manual labour! The kids got to try their hand at (a slightly less dangerous version of) archery, which they really got into.

“A literal princess and they make me paint fences all morning? Fuck that. This one’s for the King.”

There was even the opportunity to try their hand at manoeuvring an excavator– with Princes George and Louis joining father William onboard one.

“So George, if you just take both these gears like so–“

“Why do you guys keep showing me how to do shit I’m never gonna use?”

Before leaving, the kids got the chance to put handprints on the wall in order to leave a mark of their visit and fun day in Slough.

“Ok, I’ve smushed one of my turds into the wall as something for them to remember me by– can we fuck off home now?”

But where oh where was dear Meghan over the weekend? That’s right– trying to stay relevant in the USA while she called the paparazzi to photograph her… taking a walk with her ‘mates’.

Yep, Megs decided to go out on a hike shortly after the coronation, sans kids and husband and thought that the world might want to see documented evidence of this.

I’m gonna be real here– if I had called the paparazzi on myself, I’d probably not choose to dress like I’d just fallen into the laundry basket.

This little outing came after Meghan’s PR people confirmed that son Archie had been thrown a ‘private’ birthday celebration at home in Montecito to mark his birthday the weekend before– which was on the day of the coronation.

The use of the word ‘private’ really interests me in relation to a birthday party.

What other kind of birthday celebration would there be Meghan– he’s fucking 4.

According to reports, Archie was treated to a lemon cake by his mother, from the fruit grown in their back garden; because despite the fact Harry and Meghan live in an $11million mansion, take a private jet to the local Arby’s and spend all their time fighting with their family and suing people, we’re expected to believe amidst all this that Meghan is out slogging it in the allotment.

The likelihood of me winding up as the next Queen of England is a lot higher

Walking around with some of her equally dodgy looking friends, Meghan tried her hardest to pretend she hadn’t seen the cameras– even though it was still obvious even while she is wearing sunglasses.

Maybe they should train her on sniffing out drugs as well as she sniffs out a camera– they could really use her down at Heathrow Airport.

The more hilarious part is that their PR team were trying to push the angle that Harry had actually flown commercial to be in England for the Coronation– as though we are expected to believe he has finally worked out that commercial airliners exist.

The articles put out were practically reporting on the flight number, which seems overly suspicious to me… sort of like they were trying a little too hard to make it look like he didn’t take a private plane, even though one was seen landing in from California on the eve of the coronation?

“Well it’s a little late to lie now Meghan, yah– they saw me land in Elton’s private jumbo.”
“It is never too late, H. Just tell them you were on… BA flight 459 from LAX to LHR. All you have to do is look up the departing and returning flights for the day on Google. See? Nice and easy.”
“You’re a total genius, babes. And what about the pics of me getting off the private plane in England?
“Who gives a shit about those? We’ll just tell them it was Ron from Harry Potter.”

So I’m aware there was also a garden party at Buckingham Palace the other day, but I have typed so much on this post that I think my fingers are going to fall off, so I’m going to leave it here for now.

I’m off on holiday tomorrow for about a week (to get some sun because the UK is doing a crap job of providing that), so once I’m back and feeling more well-rested, I will pick up any new items.

Until then, have a great rest of the weekend, week ahead and I will see you all next time!

15 responses to “Royal round up: 13th May (Coronation Special)”

  1. Have a lovely holiday!

    1. Thank you love! ♥️

  2. You deserve some sun, enoy!

    1. Thank you lovely! ♥️

  3. Might I suggest that King Charles send Harry a copy of that coronation photo( framed and with shatterproof glass, of course)?

    Enjoy your holiday!

    1. Haha!! Now that would be something!! Thank you my love ♥️

  4. I have to think a lot of your “inner thoughts” for the royals are spot on lol.
    Actually feel a little sorry for PC, he’s an old guy & can never match the radiance of the young queen at her coronation. Oh well.
    Those kids are just so adorable, who wouldn’t warm to those lovely photos. Thanks for the Big C wrap up! Excellent stuff.

  5. Hope you have a wonderful break. How’s your mum doing now? Is she still ok? Did you read about Prince Louis getting the words to the national anthem wrong when Charles was crowned King? He supposedly sang God Save the Queen by mistake (I think it’s super cute if he did). Re Meghan, who apart from her goes “hiking” wearing £100,00.00 of jewellery including Diana’s Cartier Tank watch? As for what she was wearing, I think she is trolling us all now.

  6. Great round-up! Some proper laugh out loud photo captions. Thank you and enjoy your holiday!

  7. Fab round up, XXX

    1. Thank you my darling! ♥️

  8. This was so funny! Thank you so much!!!

    1. Thank you love! ♥️

  9. Wills, please shave your head…it will look so much better…..

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