Royal round-up: 13th December

Hello hello, and happy Sunday!

Well it’s been a busy week or two in royal world, especially for the Cambridges, and there’s lots to cover, so let’s dive right in…

Royal Train Tour

In order to thank key workers up and down the nation for all of their hard work during the pandemic, William and Catherine conducted a royal tour of England, Scotland and Wales by Royal Train earlier this week:

In my opinion, it was a lovely idea; I do like the fact Will and Kate’s focus has been very much on the pandemic during what has been a particularly difficult year for us all.

The couple took an overnight train from London’s Euston Station, where they were sent off by a little performance from Shakin’ Stevens:

“Isn’t this wonderful Wills? Really makes me feel festive.”
”Who the fuck is this guy? Is he meant to be familiar?”

The Duchess of Cambridge also left a nice message for the transport workers before she and William departed from the station:

”Dear TFL; I’m told the Central Line is almost always down at rush hour. I don’t have a job, of course— but if I did, I’d be really pissed off about it. Sort it out. Love, your future Queen”

So away they went, and the first stop on the tour was Edinburgh.

”I don’t think those sausages were cooked all the way through, Kate— hopefully Edinburgh Station has a bog nearby.”

While there, the couple met with frontline ambulance workers to learn of their own personal experiences during the pandemic.

”Yes, I remember the dedication and hard work from when I was with the Air Ambulance. Three hour shifts and four lunch breaks was really stressful, yah.”

The couple then travelled to Berwick-upon Tweed, where they surprised schoolchildren at the Holy Trinity School with a visit– complete with reindeer. Apparently the reindeers’ special outing was kept ‘top secret’ by the palace, with the school only finding out a couple of weeks beforehand.

“Wonderful idea for the kids, yah? Such majestic creatures.”
”I can’t believe I chased you and waited 10 years for the ring to be faced with a reindeer’s arse first thing on a Monday morning.”

The next stop for the Duke and Duchess was Batley in West Yorkshire, where they waited patiently for the train to their next destination the night before…

”Where the fuck’s this train? It’s bloody freezing. Cath, give them a call yah, one can’t feel one’s Crown Jewels.”

In Batley, the royal couple visited Batley community centre:

“Good morning peasants— your future Queen has arrived.”
“Oh great— more listening to other people and their fucking issues. Can’t we do engagements that involve more champagne and caviar?”

They also met with Len Gardner, an elderly man caring for his wife (who suffers from MS) and who had been previously speaking to the Duchess of Cambridge on the phone– and who was now getting to finally meet her in person.

”And that right there, Your Highness, is where I keep a shrine to all the letters you’ve sent me.”
“Yeah that’s great babes, can you pull your mask up a bit though?”

Will and Kate also made a trip to Cardiff Castle the next day where they got to sample some roast marshmallows, much to their delight.

“Is this gluten free, darling? Wills’s IBS will play up something chronic otherwise.”
“Babes, doesn’t this look like that stupid toilet roll hat Meghan wore to that Commonwealth Day ceremony last year?”
“Yah it does babe, now let’s go and do what she should’ve done— burn the damn thing.”

And upon return to England, the couple made one last stop in Berkshire, where they visited the Royal Berkshire Hospital, where Catherine was born in 1982.

“Bit disappointing there’s no plaque up mentioning that I was born here. Thank fuck I didn’t bother changing my coat for this shit.”

They later met up with Prince Charles, Camilla, Prince Edward, Sophie, Princess Anne and The Queen, where they had some carols sung to them by the Salvation Army outside Windsor Castle:

“Almost over Kate babes— just smile for a little longer.”
”God I need a fucking drink.”

All in all, a successful tour for the Duke and Duchess and one that I’m sure brought a smile to many faces at the end of a dark year, so big props to them for doing this.

Harry and Meghan’s ‘Woke’ Awards

It wouldn’t be a Royal Round-Up without checking in with these two and their latest antics, would it?

So while real members of the Royal Family actually get on with some work during the pandemic, and work that is actually related to it, Harry and Meghan for some reason have thought this is a good opportunity to plan their own woke version of The Oscars out in Cali.

The idea, apparently, is to rival the awards handed out by The Queen and other members of the Royal Family here in the UK– because as you may have worked out by now, nothing they do is actually for the good of others and appears to be more to one-up the real royals.

”We know y’all are dying right now, but how am I gonna afford my mansion without my batshit crazy ideas?”

Apparently through their company where they funnel money from other charities foundation Archewell, the couple submitted an application to set up their own Honours List and award ceremony, handing out gongs to, well, probably other celebrities— which is the Hollywood equivalent of blowing them, I guess.

I mean, there is already an Honours List in the UK being handled by the real Royal Family, and I’m sure most people would rather have The Queen handling that side of things than two losers in the USA who are barely hanging on to their own titles as it is.

“Yas girl, here’s your award for being a bad bitch. At least I think that’s what the Queen says when she hands out OBEs.”

In any case, when this news got out and went down about as well as a shart in a wetsuit, Harry and Meghan’s media minions were quick to rebuff the claims that they had put in application to start knighting people with one of Meghan’s yoga mats.

“It’s ok hun, if we can’t find anything to Knight people with, I’ll just whack ‘em with this umbrella.”

They put out stories to negate this faster than you can blink, telling everyone that ‘Harry and Meghan were never going to do such a thing’ anyway and that it was ‘all a load of shit.’

What I suspect actually happened was that word had gotten out, the backlash started, the Sussexes panicked and decided to throw the idea in the bin.

“Harry, I put the application in the post— abort mission and grab the fucking mailman before he leaves! People on the Daily Mail are making fun of us!”

All in all, I’m glad that shit isn’t going ahead; seeing Meghan ‘knight’ Leo DiCaprio for his performance in Django Unchained is probably more than any of us can bear.

Kate’s 5 Big Questions

In her continuation of her work on the early years, The Duchess of Cambridge unveiled the results of a nationwide survey that she carried out, gathering data from parent’s responses to questions put to them on topics ranging from parenting advice to parent guilt.

“I didn’t actually bother reading the answers, I just got someone from the office to do it, but just get a few snaps of me looking formal in my lovely new jacket.”

Catherine displayed the results of these in a series of short videos that were released on Kensington Palace’s Instagram account, after almost 1 million people responded to the survey from across the nation.

“We ask the public, ‘What do you do when you find yourself running out of patience as a parent?’”
“Mine would be ‘hitting up Waitrose and buying a fucking large bottle of Pinot Grigio.’”

The Duchess then later opened up the floor to those who follow Kensington Palace’s Instagram account, encouraging parents who had questions to come forward so that she could answer these in a video.

And by and large, it was a massive success; The Duchess went through the comments on the IG post, answering in a methodical and balanced way, receiving questions that she also put to experts when she couldn’t answer them herself.

“I usually just smack them with one of the royal sceptres we have lying around.”

Kate also expressed her desire to focus on the Early Years in the future, saying that she may even take the project to other countries so that she could expand the research and surveys carried out as part of a goal for the project.

”…not by Harry and Meghan obviously, so I suppose I better head over there soon.”

Good luck to The Duchess for the future of this all-important initiative; I’m sure she’ll absolutely smash it.

Meghan and Harry’s Thanksgiving

Desperate to keep themselves in the news, and short of telling us every time one of them goes to the toilet, Harry and Meghan have now even gone as far as telling us what they ate for Thanksgiving dinner at the end of November.

Providing a dull as fuck response to a question no one was asking, I believe it was Royal Suppository Omid Scobie who enlightened us on the matter, telling us all that the couple were going to be ‘eating fresh homegrown vegetables from their garden as part of the dinner’.

From the house they just moved into five seconds ago?

Seriously, doesn’t it take much longer than that to grow actual vegetables that are substantial enough to put in a meal? They’ve only been living in that house for about 3 months– either they’re giving them superhuman plant food or each of those bell peppers was the size of a chihuahua’s bollocks.

”Look, Harry— a virtual feast!”

As Meghan is allegedly a vegan from Monday to Friday, and Thanksgiving falls on a Thursday, I imagine it was something like Tofurky on the menu for the ‘meat’ and mashed quinoa and boiled gravel from their driveway as the stuffing.

“I know it smells a bit like when you wear the same socks for several days, but what do you think, H?”
“I think I have indigestion and we should’ve gone to the pub instead.”

In any case, it’s actually the height of narcissism to assume anyone gives a flying one about what you’re eating at Thanksgiving. Seriously, unless you’re a lowlife Sussex Squad person who would probably eat a salad Meghan had vomited up, are they that self-important that they believe people take an interest in what they stuff their gobs with?

I love Will and Kate, but if they started putting out stories about what they ate for Christmas Dinner, I’d be all like:

We’re humans. We all eat food. There is no story here, so Harry and Meghan can take their homegrown tomatoes and shove them up their arses.

The Cambridges hit the panto

So on Friday, there was a nice little surprise in the shape of William, Catherine, George, Charlotte and Louis visiting the London Palladium for a festive pantomime.

The Duke and Duchess took their kids to the show, that was organised for children of keyworkers, so that they could enjoy something special after a pretty epically shite year.

The royal kids, who seem to get bigger every time we see them, seemed a little daunted by the red carpet experience they had to get through first; I imagine this is due to the fact that they are guarded quite well by their parents and aren’t quite used to this sort of thing yet.

Prince Louis seemed the most confused, unable to crack a smile as they headed toward the Palladium, shyly holding onto his mother’s hand as he wandered down the red carpet.

”Who in fuck’s name are all these people?”

Princess Charlotte, in my opinion at least, seemed a little tired and became agitated at one point when her dad went to hold her hand. Put plainly– she was having absolutely none of it.

”Let the fuck go, who are you, Auntie Meghan?”

Prince George actually seemed fine, just a little wary of the photographers (like a young Prince William once was) and held on to his dad’s hand as they made their way toward the venue.

”A panto with all the rejects from EastEnders— just how I want to be spending my fucking Friday evening.”

Once inside, it was ‘masks on’ for the adults, and the kids settled into their seats to enjoy the show, after Prince William gave a speech, paying tribute to the late, great Barbara Windsor, whom we sadly lost earlier in the week.

Well… I say ‘settled into their seats’, but a wriggly Prince Louis was soon pulled into his mum’s lap to watch the show, at one point being given the programme to read by his mother to presumably distract him and keep him seated.

”Again— who the fuck are all these people?”

George and Charlotte seemed unable to sit down for long either, jumping up excitedly during the show at regular intervals and probably pissing their parents off at every available opportunity.

“Charlotte, park your arse please: it’s not too late to have you removed from the line of succession.”

At one point, it seemed the show could no longer engage the Cambridges’ eldest two children and the pair sat in the corner having a natter instead.

”Shall we just fuck this off and watch CBeebies on the iPad? Mum’s got it in her handbag, wedged somewhere between the flask of vodka and the Vicodin.”

All jokes aside, it was really lovely to see the family out and about together, and I’m definitely crossing my fingers for a 2021 Royal Tour as a family of 5.

Well that’s it for now, my loves; I’ll aim to have another one of these out next weekend so that we can gossip and laugh some more– but until then, have a lovely week, stay safe and see you soon!