Royal round-up: 19th January

Happy Sunday my lovelies! 💋

Well bloody hell – not sure where to begin for this week. It’s been absolutely insane news-wise! My head was actually spinning trying to sort out headers for this.

Give me a break, Windsors

But after several large coffees, I’ve managed to muddle my way through. So let’s get stuck right in!

Sandringham summit

Ahh, it’s like the royal version of D-Day.

Yes, following Harry and Meghan’s “shock” announcement the week before last that they were planning on stepping down from their royal duties, Hapless Hazza was promptly summoned to the Sandringham Estate by his grandmother for a “royal showdown”.

One person who could not be arsed to stick around though was Prince Phillip, who hightailed it the fuck outta there just before the royal summit

The meeting was set for 2pm on 13th January, where Charles, William, Harry and The Queen were placed in a room together probably for the first time in months. One can only imagine the frosty atmosphere in there…

Actual footage of the Sandringham Estate

In the meeting, the future of the Sussexes was thrashed out between the current monarch, the two future monarchs, some ginger bloke and his weird American wife, who tried getting involved via Skype a few times, only to realise she had been blocked from the call line.

“But Harry, what does it mean when it says “person not recognised”? Everybody knows me, yah.”

Don’t worry Meghan, if you’re reading this – we all know I’m joking. Especially as Megs was very clear to let the public know that she “wasn’t barred” from the summit, and that she simply “didn’t feel the need to join the call.”

“Get out of bed to speak to the Queen about leaving her family? Bitch, I don’t think so.”

After a couple of hours of deliberation, the royals weren’t any closer to finding a solution – largely because Prince Harry insisted on getting drunk during the meeting and making stupid comments, much to the annoyance of his grandmother:

“Listen granny yah, I really think you should just let us be King and Queen. Maybe somewhere small, like Wales. I am the Prince of it, after all.”
“No you’re not, you little shit.”

The meeting was adjourned around 4pm; The Queen needed a stiff gin and tonic and Harry was now practically comatose at the table. Her Majesty released a statement letting the public know that she expected her family to reach a final decision “in the coming days”.

“Now fack orf, all of you; one has her eye on that bottle of Bombay Sapphire in the East Wing.”

For the next week, there were more meetings and deliberations about just what the Sussexes could walk away with.

Meghan was regularly on the phone to Harry, pulling the puppet strings and making it very clear that he was to bargain with The Queen for the very best deal possible.

Shitting hell mate – they could probably use her over at the Houses of Parliament for Brexit negotiations

This was it. Harry went into the final Royal Summit meeting amped up and ready to take on his family members. He’d leave with everything, Meghan would be happy and he’d be able to sew his balls back on at long last.

The Queen quickly put the kibosh on Harry’s plans

Her Majesty quietly informed Harry that in the interest of being financially independent, him and Meghan were to longer live off the British taxpayer – and would repay back all the costs for the renovation of Frogmore Cottage.

“I know we said ‘financially independent’, but we thought you were still going to give us money, yah?”

And then, the real sting – The Queen told Harry that he and Meghan, while remaining Duke and Duchess of Sussex, were no longer allowed to use their “HRH” style.

But after getting over the initial shock, and realising that he didn’t really want to be a Prince anyway, Harry departed from Sandringham – saying goodbye to his grandmother in an emotional moment, for possibly the last time ever:

“Safe G, I’ll catch you later, yeah?”

Now just to tell the wife via FaceTime. Better to be blunt and just come out with it, right?

“It was terrible Meghan, yah. But at least now we can be normal.”
“I don’t want to be fucking normal – I sent you there to get everything we possibly could out of Megxit, and you lost us our fucking titles?! This is some bullshit.”

After half an hour of Meghan telling Harry to “get back in there and negotiate it all again”, Harry had heard just about enough of his wife’s shrill voice; he told her the deal was done and she needed to let it go. It was over.

“And where the fuck do you think you’re going, you ginger weasel?”
Duke of Sussex out.

Disney Voice Over

It appears that the Sussex Two began planning for their exit as far back as the Lion King premiere last year, where new footage came out this last week of Harry pimping his wife out to various people involved with the film.

“Listen yah, I know she couldn’t crack Hollywood, but she’s done a sterling job pretending she loves me for the last three years, so that’s worth at least a voice over part, right?”

Meghan pretended to be all coy, like she didn’t know her husband was going to tout her for work, and tried to put on her best “Saint Diana” expression.

“But really, where do I sign?”

I think it must’ve been the most awkward for people around them who had to listen to this shite. Having members of the royal family ask you for a bloody job?

Can you imagine if William and Catherine did this? There’d be public uproar. I can just picture Prince William walking into the local Wetherspoons like:

“Yes, you should see the talent and skill in which Catherine drinks a glass of wine at home – she’d make a fabulous barmaid here.”
“It’s true yah, look at the precision in my hand when I hold a Merlot. Plus, like most unemployed British, I drink in the morning too, if that helps.”

In any case, it doesn’t appear so far that Disney want to hire Meghan’s “talents” for one of their feature films (they must’ve seen her in Suits), but if a part does call for an animated stripper or gold digger in the future, I’m sure she’ll be the first one they call.

Meghan women’s group

Keen to make it look like her and Harry were actually doing some work, Meghan made a cursory visit to a women’s center in Canada, where she did.. well… not a lot.

“Your Highness, would you like to actually visit the clients inside the centre?”

“Oh no babes, I’m good here; I just popped in because we’re out of coffee at home and I knew you’d offer me a free one here.”

I’m not actually too sure what this visit was meant to achieve, other than keeping up the pretence that her and Harry were still undertaking charity work.

Kate Gibson, the executive director, made mention of the fact that Meghan did not actually bother to go inside the centre to meet the clients – apparently due to “security issues”.

Gibson went on to say that as it was a women’s centre and no men were allowed to enter the main area, it would mean that Meghan’s security officers couldn’t go inside – thus meaning Meghan couldn’t either. Because apparently she’s really at risk of being attacked by impoverished women.

What do you think they’re gonna do, nick your cheap weave?

So much for standing with women in “solidarity” and being their “sister”; doesn’t quite hold the same meaning when you can’t be fucked to actually visit and speak to them.

This just confirms for me that Meghan and Harry have no interest in continuing their charity work going forward. This was a piss-poor “effort” from Meghan– who essentially popped in for a cuppa and a photo, before sodding off back to her mansion.

A few of the women here look like they’d rather join ISIS than stand next to Meghan

And then came the best part; Meghan’s team actually vetted the photos before they were released. Checking for what, I don’t know – but apparently madam wanted to pick and choose what went out to the public.

“She said she liked this one, because her thighs and waist didn’t look as big.”

All in all, and I’m sure Canada’s women’s Center would agree – a total fucking waste of time. Thanks for nothing, Meg!

“You’re welcome, peasants!”

Meghan at the airport

Clearly, Meghan has far more important things to do with her time, like pick up friends from the airport. Charity work?

Admittedly I have no idea who this friend is – nor do I give a shit. To my knowledge, she’s some sort of Pilates instructor who is just as bad as pretending she hasn’t spotted the cameras as her little friend Meghan.

“Omgzzzzz my big moment!!!”

Meghan, who was described by the tabloids as “independent” because she managed to actually drive her own car to the airport, rocked up with a protection officer in the passenger seat to pick up her mate.

“Ugh, actually – I’ve changed my mind about her staying. Maybe if I put these on, she won’t find us.”

But it appears her friend was able to spot Meghan a mile off and made her way over to the car, throwing her bags in the backseat and pausing to hug.

“Meg, where’s Archie’s car seat?”

“Oh don’t worry about that – I usually just drive with him in my lap a la Britney Spears, or leave him at home with the nanny.”

And then they were off – with Meghan being sure to check her wing mirror before pulling out into the traffic and away from the airport.

“Sorry guys, bear with me – we don’t want any Diana-style ‘accidents’. The family are pretty ticked off with me at the mo.”

Harry heads to the pub

Yep, with Meghan safely back in Canada, and Harry edging closer to no longer having to behave like a royal prince, he did what any man left to his own devices would do – he hit the pub.

Reports stated that Harry was seen “laughing and joking” in a Fulham bar with his pals, probably as he toasted his new-found freedom; both from being emancipated from the royal family and also because he had a short break from Meghan.

“This one’s for the Queen, bitches.”

The prince, who was allegedly forced to give up drinking by his wife some time ago, still continues to sneak a couple when she’s not around – which is always a lesser risk when she’s on a different continent.

Onlookers said that Harry seemed “happy and relaxed” as he enjoyed some beers and meal with his friends and “didn’t appear to have a care in the world.”

Yeah, I wouldn’t have a care in the world either if I’d just told my boss where to stick their job and was still gonna get millions for it

Meanwhile in Canada, the news that Harry had dared to join his friends in the pub for a pint had crept across the Atlantic – much to the fury of his uptight wife.

“He went to the pub and drank ALCOHOL?!”

It took a few Vicodin, some meditation and a lengthy call to Harry to calm Megs down – where she was reassured by her husband’s words:

“Calm down Meghan, yah – it was only a couple of beers and a roast chicken. Why are you so vexed?”

Coming off the phone, Meghan tried to steady her nerves by remembering her wedding vows to her husband and the promises she had made that day…

…which I’m certain it will once Harry gets in through the front door back in Canada.

Well that’s all for now, my darlings; this circus really is the gift that keeps on giving and I’m sure there’ll be plenty to report on next weekend.

Until then, have a fabulous week, keep the popcorn at the ready – and I’ll see you next Sunday! 💋

Royal round-up: 12th January

Happy Sunday lovelies! 💋

Well there’s no point beating around the bush – bloody hell, hasn’t this been an explosive week in royal news!

I think I speak for all of us when I say:

Before this week started out, I was doing what I normally do; opening up a draft for the following weekend’s blog, jotting down some headers and hoping something fairly big will happen over the week so that I can take the piss out of it on Sunday.

Boy, did I get what I wished for.

Storm Sussex struck the UK just after 7:00pm on Wednesday night

Well you’ve all been waiting long enough, so without further ado – let’s dive right in!

Harry and Meghan are out

This couldn’t NOT be the top news for this week, could it?

Yes, on Wednesday, Harry and Meghan sent shockwaves across the globe as they (finally) made the announcement that they are stepping down as senior royals within the BRF.

Not that they did much when they were actually in the fold, but whatever

The media made out that it was a “bombshell” announcement and they were all incredibly shell-shocked that the Sussexes had made this move… Though there are those of us who saw it coming already about three years ago, before the ring was even on; the only thing that has shocked me about the situation is that I thought it would take more time than it has.

Honestly, I thought Meghan would at least have the decency to play house and Princess for about five years before trying to tear down our 1000-year-old monarchy, but I guess the book deals and chat show appearances aren’t going to hang around forever.

“We can’t do this to Oprah, yah – she’s been waiting for months.”

To make this grand announcement, Harry and Meghan jetted back to the UK and visited Canada House, where they apparently went to “thank the Canadian government for having them”…

I mean, I don’t know about you, but I don’t usually visit the embassies of countries I have been to as I journey back from my hols. Something tells me this was just a ploy to be seen out and about and put them in front of the cameras.

“Where was it we went again? Vancouver? Or was it Toronto?”

Clearly Meghan was super excited to be back in front of the cameras and struggled to contain it as she sweat through her £300 jumper:

I’m sure this is the moment that she’d realised what had happened with her underarms, hence the robotic wave, but just like allowing her to marry into the family – it was now too late

I’m not entirely sure what the reason for this visit was, or why we all had to know about it, but what I do know is that in my search to find photos for this blog post, the Daily Mail had a nice personal hygiene tip for Meghan in the form of an ad within the article:

Bit peak but I’m laughing anyway

And then… a day later… all hell broke loose.

Who gives a shit, as long as they’re gone

The first thing to note from all of this is that despite the Queen being made aware toward the end of last year of the Sussexes’ intentions, she did tell them not to break the news to the public – something, amongst many other items, that they ignored.

“You little fucker – I’ll get you for this.”

It was also reported that the Cambridges, along with Prince Charles, were only notified of Harry and Meghan’s intentions to step down about ten minutes before it was announced to the general public – although I suspect William and Catherine were celebrating the news, more than anything else.

“At last, babes – we can open that bottle of Veuve Cliquot that we’ve been saving for a special occasion.”

And Prince Charles was left wondering if he’d be continuing to foot the bill for Harry and Meghan, even if they were living in another country.

“Do tell Harry exactly where he can shove this chequebook.”

But of course, despite the family’s reactions, there were questions: what would they do to make money, now that they wanted to be financially independent? Where would their main living base be? Will they keep their titles? And are we still paying for their security, because quite frankly, fuck that?

But the Sussexes have grand plans; Harry, keen to show his grandmother that he can provide for his family without taxpayer handouts, has taken a job at McDonald’s in a little town in Vancouver:

“So that was one pheasant happy meal with a side of quail eggs, yah? …Yah, sir? Oh fuck it, I’ll bag it up for Meghan’s dinner.”

And Meghan, who was slightly less keen on taking a job but knew she needed to keep herself in Givenchy, has started a new position as a Back of House Facilities Manager… or at least that’s what she’s put on her LinkedIn. The shortened term for it is “cleaner”.

“Bloody hell – they must’ve all had Harry’s caviar on toast from McDonald’s again.”

The couple, now realising they had about ten quid left from Harry’s inheritance from his mum, had to downsize in terms of property – and began renting a modest, two-bedroom abode in the heart of the city:

“Well I think it has character, Meg – I know it’s not Frogmore, but I’ll splash some paint around and have it looking like Buckingham Palace in no time, babes.”
“Ok babes, let’s give it a shot. But it really is a total shithole, yah.”

All jokes aside, I really do think they’ll regret this decision; bar trying to use the Sussex royal “brand” to make money, they have limited prospects when it comes to actually funding their lifestyles, save for a few talk shows and magazine deals.

I give it two years before Harry is trailing back to the UK with his tail between his legs and Archie in his arms, begging the BRF for forgiveness once Meg has divorced him.

“I know I fucked up yah, but the guest house at Windsor Castle will be ready for me, right Granny?”

And despite Charles’s concerns about how badly Meghan and Harry might rinse the Duchy estate, as they really don’t have any money of their own, he did try and see the silver lining to his son abandoning the family:

“…maybe with the stress of it all, you’ll finally cark it and one will get to sit on the throne at last.”

Of course, it all remains to be seen, but in the meantime and as it stands, we may finally be seeing the back of the Sussexes – and all I can say is feel free to leave your titles and (our) money at the door when you leave – and don’t let it hit you in the arse on the way out.

“So long, peasants – thanks for all the cash.”

Kate’s birthday

Poor cow.

Of course, Harry and Meghan would have to break their big news on the eve of her 38th birthday, totally overshadowing her celebrations. Or so the media thought, anyway.

On Thursday afternoon, Kate was seen driving through Kensington Palace gates, looking a little sombre following the Sussexes’ revelation.

The media did their level best to make it seem that her forlorn expression was due to Haz and Meg’s announcement, but I think it was more likely a hangover, after having started her birthday celebrations early the night before.

And what of the marks under her left eye?

Well, after one too many gin and tonics, Kate decided to drive over to Frogmore Cottage at 2am and tell Meghan what she really thought of her plans to break away from the royal family – resulting in a royal showdown.

“Meghan open the fucking door, you old skank – this is an order from the future Queen!”

Once Catherine had called Meghan every name under the sun, Meg decided she’d had just about enough of the Drunken Duchess and promptly delivered a thump to the eye, sending Kate flying backwards into the fine china cabinet.

“Bitch you think you can come in here with your good hair and long legs and tell me what’s what – get the fuck outta here.”

Hearing the commotion, Prince Harry eventually woke up and stormed into the living room in a desperate attempt to break up the fight:

“Ladies, cut it out, yah – this is no way for a future Queen and Z-list actress to behave.”

Realising she’d said her piece, Kate staggered away from Frogmore, armed with a fistful of Meghan’s weave and a black eye.

“Yeah, this isn’t over bitch; watch when I’m Queen Consort of Canada, I’ll have you decapitated and then deported.”

Otherwise, reports say that Kate had a lovely birthday with her husband, friends and children and even sent Harry and Meghan some birthday cake as a peace offering.

“Joke’s on you, babe – I shat in that one as well.”

Madame Tussaud’s move Harry and Meghan

They don’t fuck about over there, do they?

Yep, it took all of 0.3 seconds for Madame Tussaud’s here in London to separate Harry and Meghan’s waxworks from the rest of the royal family, signalling the beginning of the transition process.

Before, the rather sinister waxworks stood to the right of Her Majesty The Queen
Now, they stand… well, fuck knows where, but they’re not polluting the royal display and that’s all that matters

One can only imagine that they were dumped in the bins somewhere round the back – a joke that was cracked a few times over Twitter:

Seems like the best choice

Or maybe, for the Sustainable Sussexes who are environmentally-friendly humanitarians, they recycled the two mannequins and reused them as toilet seat covers at Buckingham Palace at Her Majesty’s request.

“Now one’s arse will always be warm when one goes to the bog at 3am.”

Well that’s all for this week, darlings; I think it goes without saying that this next week will bring a crazy amount of news, gossip and speculation on the Sussexes and their next move. I for one can’t wait – just so we can make fun of them next week, if nothing else.

In the meantime, sit tight, grab the popcorn and buckle up – we’re in for some turbulence!

Have a fabulous week, my lovelies 💋

Royal round-up: 5th January 2020

Hello hello, and happy new year everybody! 💖

Hope you’re all having a fabulous start to the year so far!

I have to be honest, I feel like it was fairly quiet in royal world this week, so we’re not totally inundated – however, there are always things to discuss, so without further ado – welcome to the first royal round-up of 2020!

Harry and Archie’s photo

So earlier this week, the Sussex fandom lost their shit over a photo that they put out of Harry and Archie against a “Canadian” backdrop.

Yes. Groundbreaking stuff.

Like I say, I’m not arsed about children and I’m certainly not arsed about Harry and Archie, but one thing I will note about this photo is that Archie is fucking HUGE.

Seriously, is he starting school soon? I mean, Mary Poppins I am not, but I’m fairly certain an 8 month old child is usually smaller than this.

“Yes… I am… eight months old.”

Also, is he wearing a skirt and thick wooly tights?

There appears to be some sort of denim fabric hiked up by Harry’s arm, which doesn’t look like a pair of trousers to me. Couple that with the grey tights, and I’m fairly certain he’s wearing a dress or a skirt.

I know it’s 2020, and we’re all “raise your kids without gender” and all that other kumbaya shit, but give the poor little bugger a chance; he’s already got two self-entitled morons for parents, hardly any relatives as his mother has cut them all out and despite being born to a Prince, has been left on his arse without a title – don’t make things worse for him.

Archie has an epiphany

But despite my observations, Sussex fans across the world took to gushing all over the Sussex Instagram, banging on about how “amazing” the photo was and “how much Canada suits them.” I agree – Canada really does suit them. Because it means we don’t have to put up with them in the UK.

…in Canada, for the foreseeable future.

In any case, this idea seems somewhat stolen from the Cambridges; just after Kensington Palace release a shot that Catherine took of William and his kids, Meghan then has to do the same a week later – because she hasn’t got many original ideas in her head.

You said it, bitch

The Cambridge kids want to spend more time with Archie

Yeah, and I’m Obama.

Last week, there was an article put out on the Daily Mail about how Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis apparently “adore” their little cousin Archie, and “want to spend more time with him” as he grows up.

What, the cousin they never see and ignored at the polo?

Given the very limited interactions we’ve seen between Archie and the Cambridge kids in public, it couldn’t be more abundantly clear that Will and Kate’s children couldn’t give less of a shit about Archie if they tried.

“Yah, we don’t want to get to know him aunty Meghan, we were just trying to keep him safe as you have no fucking clue how to hold him.”

Speaking frankly, I don’t think three young children are that arsed about a baby who is barely crawling. I mean, how much interest can there really be?

“None what-so-fucking-ever.”

As for them “adoring” their cousin, and the article trying to make out like the Cambridges and Sussexes have Sunday lunch together every week and let the kids bond, I do remember an article coming out last summer which stated that William and Catherine’s brood hadn’t actually met Archie for the first two months of his life.

Yeah – close and adoring?

Of course, I could be totally wrong; they are innocent children and I’m sure they love their little cousin, spending most of their precious time together helping him navigate the big wide world, as he starts to crawl and explore…

“Here, Lottie – lob that at his head – let’s see how long it takes the little fucker to cry.”

Harry and Meghan help couple take a selfie

More Sussex PR for you this week.

Apparently during a hike in Canada, Prince Harry and Media Meg came across a young, stupid couple who were unable to use a selfie stick correctly (because that shit requires a PHD apparently), and very kindly offered their photographic services.

Waiting to be recognised, I think is a safer bet

Never mind those on the frontline battling the Australian bushfires, doctors and nurses who save lives every day and parents on the breadline who starve every night so that their children can eat; in a true act of heroism, Meghan Markle… took a photo.

She could maybe have done it so that the sun isn’t glaring on the back of the woman’s head and almost obscuring her face

As it’s been reported that Catherine is a keen photographer, we know little Meggy is desperate not to be outdone, and seems to have turned herself into something of an Ansel Adams while she’s sat on her arse in Canada.

Surprisingly, this couple were a little too shell-shocked at being approached by two unemployed grifters and kept gushing about it as though they’d witnessed the second coming or something.

Bit impolite to call Meghan and Harry dogs, especially since Meghan was coming over to you, but ok

I’m not sure why they were so excited; it’s painfully obvious Meghan only did this to be recognised and because she knew this woman was going to run to the papers and tell them what had happened, further keeping the Sussexes in the press. I do not believe for a second that this was a random act of kindness – does Meghan actually ever do those?

Nah, didn’t think so

It’s also clear that these little hiking trips are Meghan’s idea and her surefire way of being noticed in public, which is what she craves anyway.

I mean, I doubt Harry’s suggesting going on these walks; we don’t “hike” in Britain, unless there’s a pub at the top of the hill, so this is definitely an American initiative– and one where Meghan can revel in the starstruck awe of sad passers-by around her.

“You got me, yah.”

But all’s well that ends well; the couple enjoyed their (slightly shit) photo and Meghan got her name in the press for another 24 hours. Win win!

I won’t answer that.

Meghan mentions Australian bushfires

At last – they’ve only been burning for fucking months, but don’t let that spoil your two-month holiday.

Yes, the Sussexes finally took to Instagram to post about the Australian wildfires, expressing their “sadness” at the situation and how devastating it had been for the country.

And then.. predictably… they managed to somehow bring the post back to themselves and their own (disastrous) visit to Australia.

Was wondering how long it would take them

The only thing Meghan is “personally connected to” is the royal bank account.

Honestly, can they make one charitable post without it somehow coming back to their own stories and how it “personally affects” them?

“The Australian fires are so devastating– but remember when we visited and how amazing we both looked?”

“What’s happening has marked a really difficult time for Australia — but remember when we announced we were having a baby as soon as we arrived there?”

Honestly, both of you, shut up. I’d be willing to bet neither of them has made a financial donation to the Australia yet for these disasters, so until either one of them is prepared to get on the frontline with a hose in their hand, I’m not interested.

“Harry, it opens at this end, yah?”
“Don’t worry Meghan babes, I have it under control!”

Well that’s all for this week, my loves; I trust there will be tonnes more fuckery this week so that I can rant away next weekend.

If they’re not already, I reckon this coming week will see Harry and Meghan return to Britain and of course, there will be some announcements regarding William and Catherine that will be trickling in.

In addition to this, it is Catherine’s 38th birthday on Thursday, when the bells of Westminster Abbey will no doubt be rung in celebration – that will be exciting! 🔔

In the meantime, have a fab week, be good, and I’ll see you all next Sunday! 💋

Just a little note to say…

….I’m unfortunately shutting the blog down.

Please don’t stab me

No, really – I’m going off (royal) topic for a second just to leave a message to wish you all a very Happy New Year and all the best for 2020. Wishing you all health, happiness and laughter for the coming year ahead – and many more to follow.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank you all very much for your continued support over the course of this last year and since this blog was launched; I do really mean it wholeheartedly when I say that it is your (rather hilarious) comments, discussion and kindness that drives me forward to post every week. I’m incredibly grateful that you all find my little jibes at the Sussexes so amusing – even when I’m not feeling at my funniest!

I do always endeavour to respond to all comments, so if I do miss anybody out when responding, I do apologise – I will work on that for 2020 – perhaps it could be my New Year’s Resolution!

Once again, thank you – let’s continue to laugh our way into the next decade – and let’s do it in style!

Happy New Year, my lovely friends 💖

Royal round-up: 29th December

Happy Sunday my lovelies! I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas, over-indulged with the chocolate and cheese and have thrown the word “gym” out of your vocabulary– at least for the remainder of 2019.

After mixing red wine, champagne and prosecco last night and not moving out of bed until 1pm today, I’ve been moving slowly through this royal round-up, so apologies that this is going out so late – but nonetheless, let’s take a look at some royal Christmas highlights!

Christmas with the royals

Ahh, that magical time of year when the fires are roaring, the turkey is being carved and Prince Andrew scurries in through the back door of the church for a Christmas service to avoid being stabbed to death.

“I’m not down with getting shanked, yah.”

This year, on the traditional public walk to church, we were treated to the first ever Sandringham appearance for Prince George, 6, and Princess Charlotte, 4, who joined their parents for the Christmas Day service.

It’s a bit clear to me that George and Charlotte have inherited their father’s disdain of the press, as neither kid looked particularly thrilled to be photographed – but that could also be because they were forced out in the cold on Christmas Day to sit in a draughty church, instead of being able to sit at home and play with their new presents.

“Let’s get a fucking move on – that new pony ain’t gonna ride itself.”

Following the service, Catherine and Charlotte did their rounds and greeted the public, with Charlotte only really perking up after she was given some presents by some strangers.

“I’m meant to give these back? Haha, yeah – like fuck.”

A couple of members of the public even hugged the little princess, as Charlotte thanked one for a doll she received from her:

“Yeah well, it’s hardly Hamley’s, but it’ll do.”
“Yes, thanks for the inflatable pink bird, and I’m sympathetic that you’re in a wheelchair, but get your fucking hands off me.”

George seemed slightly less interested in engaging with the public, and stood with a face like a smacked arse beside his father as he greeted well-wishers.

“Did I really get outta bed for this shit?”

Both kids looked really smart though and it was lovely to see them – and who knows, maybe next year little Louis will be on the walk too!

“Yeah, not if I can fucking help it.”

Sussex Christmas photo

Right, even with my disdain for the Sussexes (and children in general), I’m trying so very hard to remain as adult as possible about this and NOT insult an innocent baby, but…. bloody hell, what was going on here?

“This year we’ve chosen to send our holiday card electronically” should have an add on of “because we couldn’t be arsed to mail it to any of you peasants”

First of all – why are Meghan’s teeth so white? It’s one of the first things you notice – even with Archie’s massive head taking up 80% of the lens.

I know there were two versions released; one where Harry is blurred out and another where he is in focus (which Sussex Stans were quick to point out), but either way, the picture really isn’t that great and something about Harry’s smug face makes me want to punch him in it.

Perhaps next year, provided they’re still actually married – the chances of which seem to be diminishing rather quickly, we might suggest that Harry is obscured by a giant Christmas tree? Or maybe they’ll wrap him in tinsel and have him as a Christmas decoration? I’m sure his balls were already used as baubles this year anyway.

Think we’ve got a good idea as to their whereabouts, Harry

And yes… I’m going to push the boundaries here and say something controversial, but….

Archie isn’t very cute at all.

If you’ve raised your pitchforks, please lower them; I know when people say a baby isn’t cute, they are automatically put in the same category as Satan and that guy from that Netflix documentary who killed the cats, but really – I do not believe all babies are beautiful and this one certainly isn’t.

Also, one thing my Twitter friends and I picked up on is that Archie looks incredibly Asian?

I mean, it’s weird – I’m half Asian and he looks more Asian than I do. I thought he looked a lot like Harry to begin with, but I’m not so sure anymore.

There’s only one thing for it…

And on a final note, if they post one more photo in black and white, I will flip my shit. It doesn’t look classy or artsy – it just looks stupid and like you’re trying desperately hard to hide some bad photoshop (which appears to be the case with Archie’s hairline in this photo).

Please….

Harry and Meghan in Canada

So despite the promise that we’d get a nice break from Dumb & Dumber, as predicted, we’re being given hourly updates on their movements; I’m expecting to hear about their bowel ones any day now too.

This weekend, we have learnt that they are indeed holed up in a luxury mansion somewhere in Victoria and courtesy of the British taxpayer, where Doria has nicely cashed in on this too and gone to stay with them.

This whole island area was theirs for Christmas… all of this… for three people and a baby

Moving swiftly on…

Apparently we are to believe that it wasn’t Meghan that gave the tabloids a tip-off as to the fact they were in the area, but rather some randoms who apparently saw Harry and Meghan out for a jog.

I’d wager it was more likely Harry was trying to make a break for freedom and Meghan was chasing him, but I’m no eye witness for the situation.

“Meghan, get away from me yah – one just wants to live one’s life.”

Then some other people said they saw Harry out alone for a hike near some woodland area – but once again, was he on a hike, or was he trying to judge the drop off the side of the cliff to see if it was possible to slide down and escape?

“Looks a bit steep, yah – I think I’ll give it a miss.”

It all smacks of bullshit to me.

One second they’ve apparently been holed up indoors and haven’t set foot outside and the next they’ve been out doing all this outdoorsy shit?

And then, apparently sick of cooking for themselves (or Harry had finally gotten fed up of avocado on toast), the two of them and their security detail headed over to Deep Cove Chalet for a spot of dinner… but not before Madam Meghan had arranged a full inspection of the restaurant to see if it was to her standards:

“I mean, it’s just nothing like Harrods, yah.”

And then, void of organic kale and leaves foraged from the purest woodland areas of Canada, the menu also wasn’t to Her Royal Highnesses’ liking:

But not one to be outright dismissive, Meghan tried her hardest to sample some of the local food on offer, only to find it totally inedible:

But apparently it didn’t go over too well

It was then, utterly devastated at the prospect of starving to death, (as there is only one restaurant in Canada), that Meghan turned to Harry and delivered her final verdict:

Harry, who couldn’t possibly say no to his pushy Princess, could no longer contain his disgust with the establishment and gave the manager one final line to think on as they swiftly departed the restaurant:

There’s a slight chance Meghan got excited because she thought it was called Deep Throat Chalet and was pissed off when she got there and realised her mistake, but what do I know…

“But… we drove the full three minutes to get here and it’s NOT a sex-themed restaurant?!”

Ok – maybe I embellished a few details with the above, but I believe the actual story is that Harry and Meghan did in fact show up to the restaurant to “inspect” it and see if they wanted to eat there; however, they did also show up with a team of security and add that to their ridiculous diva demands, the manager decided to stop them from dining there, as he simply wasn’t in the mood for their bullshit.

We know how you feel mate

The restaurant have denied that they chucked Haz and Megs out into the cold, but they’ve still received a steady stream of abuse from Harry and Meghan’s ever-classy fans, telling the restaurant that they should’ve bent over backwards to accommodate the Spare and his Whore.

Looks like the restaurant manager also has a special message for Haz, Megs and their fans too:

Perhaps we’ll never know where Harry and Meghan wound up dining that night – but considering their $14 million mansion boasts a professional chef’s kitchen, I’m sure they have all the amenities they need to whack on a couple of microwave meals.

I do hope you’ve all asked Meghan if she’s “ok” this holiday season, the poor little love

Meghan’s own newspaper?

And so, Meghan continues her quest for world domination.

Yes, the latest in the stream of Sussex Shite is that Meghan is thinking of further expanding the Sussex Royal “brand”, even though one doesn’t exist, and wants to start her own newspaper.

I genuinely don’t

This comes off the back of claims that Twat 1 and Twat 2 now want to slap their trademark on, well, basically everything.

They apparently also want to start issuing their own stationary and merchandise, because as members of the royal family, they can’t find anything better to do with their time.

Meghan reminds me of a child that’s been given a pack of stickers and they just want to put them on everything out of sheer excitement.

“Meghan… Meghan… give us back the pens please, love.”

I kinda get it though; I mean, if I was as narcissistic as Meghan, I’d want a newspaper for myself too. That way all I could talk about is myself and it would be acceptable, because I own the damn paper.

Meghan at her newspaper’s head office, when asked why the front cover, all 62 pages and the back cover are all images of her face

Let’s face it, we know it’d be all about Meghan. If the Sussex instagram is anything to go by, where she managed to turn the entire tour of Africa into a life story about herself, I can’t imagine a newspaper created by her would be any different– even if people around her told her it’s not quite the correct approach:

“But Meghan, you didn’t mention any charities in this month’s paper at all?”
“…I was meant to mention the charities…?”

I’d imagine there’d also be a small section every week where she drags the Cambridges and drops in little tidbits of gossip she’s managed to get her claws into; just because judging by how her PR works, she believes that the only way to look good is to make somebody else look bad – isn’t that right, Megs?

Clearly

For the sake of our sanity, I think it’s best they both refrain from popping the Sussex stamp on anything else, in a desperate bid to make as much money as possible for when they’re ousted from the BRF for good.

Next they’ll be telling us they commissioned the original building plans for Buckingham Palace.

Well that’s all for this week, folks – and that was the last post of 2019!

As we see out the year in just a couple of days time, I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy new year! All the best for 2020, where I’m sure there’ll be lots more shenanigans for me to report on and us all to laugh at. I have a feeling it will be a big one….

Until next year, my dears… 💋

Royal round-up: 22nd December

Happy Sunday darlings! 💖

Sorry for the two-week gap; it’s a stressful time of year trying to tie up year-end crap at work and viciously beating everyone out of the way at Westfields so you can finish Christmas shopping for your family.

“That shit’s for my mum – fucking move it!”

However, Christmas shopping (ok – almost 😕) done, I’m back and ready to gossip. I know some of the items below are a little old now, but as per, please do bear with me!

Harry and Meghan are in Canada

Thank fuck for that – I was beginning to lose sleep for worrying as to their whereabouts.

Yep, this weekend we’ve had it confirmed that Meghan and Harry have been hiding out during their “break” in Canada – the precise location of which we are not allowed to know “for security reasons”.

It’s not like I’m gonna knock on their door to do a spot of carol singing, is it

So hard done by and following a difficult year for the two prats, where they have had such a hard time spending all our money and jetting around the world, they have taken refuge in some luxury cabin somewhere, where they have “barely set foot out in public” the whole time.

Do they wanna try doing that in the UK as well

The three of them are apparently spending some “quality family time” together, because allegedly they don’t get the opportunity to do this in England.

And I can see the issue here – really I can; between their 9 to 5 jobs, being unable to afford childcare, trying to save money to fix that leak in the roof at Frogmore and struggling to afford Christmas presents for the entire family (I.e. Doria), shit has to be difficult in the Sussex household right now.

“It’s alright babes yah, I’ll just stick some caviar in the roof to seal it off.”

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau kindly weighed in as well, making it seem as though Harry and Meghan were seeking asylum in Canada after escaping a war torn country:

Alright Justin mate, they came from England not Eritrea

I normally don’t have much of an issue with Trudeau – in fact, I have no opinion on him at all apart from the fact that he’s quite hot and would probably get it, but where was the need for this total crap?

The sooner people stop licking the arses of these two scroungers and acting like they have it far tougher than the rest of us, the better; we all know they’re holed up making baby number two so that they can make their “big return” with a second pregnancy announcement, further sending shockwaves of nausea through the planet.

“Yes, one is with second childeth.”

James Blunt defends Harry and Meghan

And you know things are bad when that happens.

Yes, yet another “celebrity” felt it appropriate to pipe up and defend the Dynamic Duo by telling us how wonderful they are and how horrible we are for picking on the poor prince and his showgirl.

He went on to praise their ‘incredible hard work’ (yeah, I’m not sure what he was referring to either) and got out one of the many violins he uses on his depressing albums to speak about how they do this ‘so well under such intense public scrutiny’.

Meghan earlier this week as she sifted through her £70,000 Givenchy gowns

James also went on to tell us: “What I think I can see is that they seem to be on the cover of the newspapers a lot and it seems to be vitriolic quite a lot of the time.”

Really, James? I fucking wonder why.

Maybe it’s their ‘do-as-I-say-and-not-as-I-do’ attitude? Or the fact that they don’t give a shit that they squander all our money because they turn up to wave at the impoverished from time to time and they think that justifies it? Or that they believe in hiding all details of their lives and that of their child’s from everybody, as though they were A-list celebs, rather than members of the Royal Family on the public payroll? Honestly, James –

I would say “stick to what you know”, but I’m not entirely sure what that is either

These Z-list celebrities brown-nosing Harry and Meghan to get their ten seconds in the newspapers are becoming completely and utterly tiresome. Think we should gather the likes of James Blunt, Elton John and Serena Williams and just dump them on an island somewhere far away.

Got a private jet for y’all to charter, if you’re interested

SmartWorks and Meghan

Keen not to be forgotten on her (not really a) break, Meghan ensured that all the charities she works with have brought her up in one way or another, just so you can remember what a Mother Theresa she is.  

“You think I’m gonna go away for six weeks and let you all forget about me?”

Given the fact she only works with about three charities, this shouldn’t have taken too long, but I admire their efforts anyway.

Last week, it appeared to be SmartWorks on the list, as they shared some “unseen” photos of Meghan very kindly visiting them a while ago, i.e. doing her fucking job.

“Yes, how inspiring – can you fetch me an iced latte? Oh, are you not the tea lady? My bad, babes, sorry!”

They went on to bury their heads even further up her arse by telling us: “We have shared some incredibly special moments with The Duchess over the past eleven months. As well as dressing and coaching our clients, she has supported and spread the word about Smart Works in the seminal issue of British Vogue and through The Smart Set Capsule Collection.”

“YES, another opportunity to talk about me, me, me!”

Yes, what a charitable contribution she has made over the last year, turning every Instagram post about them into a life story about herself (complete with photos) and ensuring she spews out other people’s quotes on these all-important visits, because she hasn’t got an original thought in her head.

I’ve also enjoyed how many times they’ve ‘come out of their break’ to post something stupid on Instagram, because Meghan can’t help herself. Whether these are philosophical musings while she changes Archie’s shitty nappy, or Harry having a laugh while he smokes his morning cigarette (in secret, round the back of Doria’s house), these are always highly entertaining – because they’re so hypocritical.

“Yah, it’s good right? We put it on Meghan’s dad’s Christmas card.”

Mary Berry’s Christmas

So last week, Mary Berry’s Christmas special aired on BBC1, with The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge appearing as guests on it for this year.

Mary worked alongside Catherine for her culinary creation, while William paired up with Nadiya Hussain to produce his, leading to a bit of competition between the royal couple.

“Well, his looks like a pile of SHIT, doesn’t it Mary?”
“Yeah, keep an eye on your own cake, ya slag.”

In the end, Mary Berry, not wanting to spend Christmas with a royal roulade up her arse, declared it a draw between William and Catherine.

I’m not entirely sure which cake they’d shat in for Meghan, but judging by Catherine’s face, I’d wager it was William’s:

“Don’t touch me with those hands – I know where they’ve been.”

Harry and Meghan nearly died


Can’t say the Universe isn’t conspiring, can ya?

Well it’s a bit of an over-dramatisation of what happened but I’m throwing it in because I saw one of my friends repost it on Twitter, and because I hadn’t seen it before and it did make me laugh.

Apparently Harry and Meghan, on one of their luxurious private jet jaunts, had a moment of ‘terror’ when their £46 million rental Bombardier jet cruised 10ft away from a drone at Luton Airport back in August – which for some reason is still being brought up now like any of us are meant to give a shite.

Harry and Meghan, who shouldn’t have been on a fucking private jet to begin with, were making the journey from Nice Airport back to London, after spending a couple of weeks tanning their arses at our expense.

How horrible! Just 10 feet from disaster! Can you imagine if they had been… flying any lower?

In any case, I’m glad people’s priorities were in order; thousands of people sleeping on airport floors due to drone strikes over the last year, and the main concern of Luton Airport was that of two talentless twats possibly ending up with a cracked windscreen in their rental plane.

In any case, I doubt Harry and Meghan even knew it had happened – too busy quaffing champagne and dumping Archie on the nanny to realise they’d nearly had their arses taken out, but such is life when you’re a royal I guess.

“What was that rumble, H? Have we hit some turbulence?”
“Nah sorry babes – these bubbles go straight to my arse.”

Christmas pudding with the royals

So this was a cute surprise!

Prince George, together with his father The Duke of Cambridge, grandfather Prince Charles and great-grandmother Queen Elizabeth, took part in putting the finishing touches to some Rice Krispie cakes for service men and women.

George, 6, proved he was quite the natural at cooking as he made a special surprise for some family members too:

“This one’s for Aunty Meghan and Uncle Harry – so you just stir in the poo like so… this particular portion was sourced from Louis’s nappy.”

This sort of photo op seems to be a fairly new thing for the royals, so one can only assume it’s a spot of slight damage control, given the bullshit that has occurred this year for the family.

Luckily though, Prince Charles was also onhand to offer up some culinary aid for his grandson:

“Here George, Great-Grandad Phillip has kindly offered up the contents of his bedpan – whack some of that in too.”

Well that’s all for now, my lovelies; this week we will see the Cambridge children make their first ever appearance at Sandringham when they head to church with their parents on Christmas Day – and I for one am super excited!

They’re just bloody relieved Dumb and Dumber won’t be there

In the meantime – I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas with your loved ones; hoping you all get everything you want and more – and if you don’t, you can always get drunk and eat all the cheeseboards before anyone else gets a look in (like I do most years).

“Piss off Aunty Karen – it’s mine!”

Have a happy and safe one, and I will see you all next week 💋🎄💋

Royal round-up: 8th December

Happy Sunday ladies and gents – hope you’ve all had a good weekend!

After my first week back at work since being ill, it was most welcome; what a stressful one that was! I swear, I could’ve died and the finance team would still come to my funeral like “that’s sad, but you’re late submitting your credit card expenses.”

Accurate depiction of my colleagues

Also pleased to announce that I had my first glass of wine in foreeeeeever on Friday night and it was beautiful. (Ok, I had 4, but I’m British – we rarely stop at one.)

But enough about me – as per, there have been some nuggets of royal manure this week to get through, so without further ado, let’s get stuck in!

Prince Charles wants to streamline the monarchy

Yes, Prince Charles reportedly wants to bring the circle in a bit where members of the royal family are concerned and this would mean bumping some useless members off the VIP list.

Three guesses where you’ll stand, Sussexes

It has been said that Charles has “wanted to do this for years” and even with his mother Queen Elizabeth still on the throne, plans have been “put in motion already”. Many believe that the shunning of Prince Andrew is an indicator that this is what’s happening behind palace walls, but…

I think that might be because he’s a paedophile, but what do I know

There are other sources that say Charles wants to limit the family beneath him to “just his sons and their children”, in order to “avoid embarrassing situations with other members of the family”– seemingly forgetting that Hypocrite Henry and Media Meg are probably the most cringeworthy members of the family.

Charles dude, come on.

Just a word of advice to the Prince of Wales, but it might be worth streamlining the monarchy down to those who actually want to be a part of it. I’ve yet to see Harry and Meghan put their arses into their roles, so until they do, they can end up on the scrapheap with the rest of them.

Where is it they’ve been again for the last three weeks, Charles?

On holiday – no doubt embarrassing another country somewhere.

Yeah – I’d hold that thought for now, mate.

Harry and Meghan spent Thanksgiving in the USA

Which brings me nicely to my next point…

An article or two surfaced this week confirming that Harry and Meghan are in fact in the USA and have been for the last few weeks, having celebrated Thanksgiving with “close family”…

Thought you didn’t have any family Meghan, so pardon my confusion

Considering most of her family (on both sides) have been slagging Meggers off in the press, talking about how they haven’t seen her in years and expressing their obvious disdain for her, I can’t imagine they were welcome around the table to share a bit of turkey and pumpkin pie this year– so I’m gonna say they spent it with Doria in her bungalow.

“Meghan, I know it’s a bungalow and the roof is close to the ground, but you don’t have to walk around like that, yah.”

Apparently Meghan, who is made out to be a Michelin star chef just because she once knocked up some avocado on toast, will be doing “all the cooking” in California – as she just “loves wearing the apron”.

Yes, I’m sure it took several hours and three years at culinary school to put this one together

Given the amount of weight Harry has lost since Meghan moved to the UK, I can only assume her cooking is fucking terrible and he’d rather starve than put any of it in his mouth.

In addition to speculation on their whereabouts, some dude called Omid Scobie, who is a prize prat, might I add – was the first to “leak” the news on behalf of Meghan that the Sussexes are currently in the USA.

For those who don’t know, Scobie is Meghan’s mouthpiece and leaks all the info to the media that Meghan is unable to leak herself, due to royal family constraints. I mean, you didn’t think Meghan would go to the USA and NOT make sure we all knew about it, did you?

Of course, many others believe that the Useless Twosome are in fact out there searching for a permanent USA home – a rumour of which many of us hope is true.

And if the stories are true that they are planning to stay out there through Christmas also, then they’ll certainly have plenty of time to house-hunt, that’s for sure.

Two useless dipshits and a ginger baby?

William on tour

Thank fuck – something to redeem all this bullshit.

As mentioned during last week’s royal round up, just as I started penning the previous one, The Duke of Cambridge had just arrived in Kuwait for a solo royal tour.

“Yeah, easy with that bag mate, it’s a Louis Vuitton.”

Prince William, who left his wife, The Duchess of Cambridge and their three children back home in England, conducted visits to both Kuwait and Oman– the first time he has officially visited either country.

“Joke’s on Kate – got me out of reading a week’s worth of bedtime stories to Louis.”

The Duke also paid a visit to the Ras Musandam Naval Base, where he wore protective glasses and ear plugs to watch soldiers throw hand grenades – which gave His Royal Highness a bright idea or two:

“Couldn’t drop a few of those on Frogmore, could you?”
“Haha – just kidding!”
“…but if you’ve got any spares, I won’t say no.”

The Duke went on to study the wetlands’ wildlife, where he even got a chance to get up close and personal with some of the beautiful creatures the land had to offer:

“I have a feeling this is the one that built a nest in Meghan’s hair for Trooping The Colour this year.”

And he even got a chance to see how Kuwaiti arts and crafts were made, first hand:

“And that must be one of Meghan’s maternity dresses!”

All in all, a successful trip for the Duke, who even made it home in time for the kids’ bedtime.

“Yeah – after a swift half at the local.”

Harry and Meghan want you to think of the homeless

Despite the fact Dumb and Dumber are meant to be on a break, they are still posting on Instagram, getting us to “reflect on the lonely, hungry and homeless this Christmas”.

What – like that father you abandoned, Meghan?

Tabloids speculated that Meghan may have penned the post herself, due to the wording of “festive holiday season” – a term of which we never use in the UK.

I was fascinated by this observation; Meghan? Taking control of the Sussex IG?

I, for one, thought it was a heartfelt, lovely post. I mean, a social-climbing gold-digger who has dumped anybody who couldn’t boost her profile as she clambered her way up the ladder? It’s really touching to see her utter phrases such as:

Nah, she’s taking the piss now, surely?

Tell me Meghan, what is it dear old daddy has planned for Christmas? Perhaps he’s spending it alone at home with a can of beer? Is it a takeaway Chinese and a quiet one in front of the tv? I think your dad would “appreciate the smallest act of kindness” Meghan, but I’m guessing he’s unlikely to get it from his cold-hearted bitch of a daughter.

I’ll bet the Sussexes are genuinely worried about the hungry and homeless, as they jet about the planet on their private planes and spend money like it’s water. What true humanitarians they are.

Kate takes over a royal patronage

Turning our attention back to the royals who actually do some work – it’s been announced this week that The Duchess of Cambridge has taken over a patronage from The Queen – becoming patron of Family Action – a charity Her Majesty had been patron of for 65 years.

Catherine visited the charity this week, meeting with the children who are supported by this cause and engaging in some festive activities.

“Yes, I did tell Meghan to shove a Christmas tree up her arse last week – shall we send her this one?”

This is of course a huge honour; if the Queen passes down such an important patronage to you, you know it’s because she clearly thinks highly of you – which we know she does with Catherine.

It was during this visit that Catherine also revealed that Prince Louis “follows her around everywhere” and “wants to go wherever she does.”

“Ok, let go of my hand now, I get enough of this shit at home.”

This comes off the back of a busy week, as Catherine also attended the NATO dinner held at Buckingham Palace, where attendees included the President and First Lady of the USA, as well as Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada.

Kate seemed in her element in a green Emilia Wickstead dress, clearly delighted to be part of the occasion:

“You see, I’m not too sure what NATO is, but I’ve heard there was free wine, so here I am”

But with William away, Catherine seemed more than comfortable undertaking such important events with world leaders on her own, and as usual, totally outshone everyone else.

Especially Boris – who looked as though he had certainly taken advantage of the open bar ahead of next week’s big election

Well that’s all for now folks – this coming week will see the Diplomatic Reception at Buckingham Palace on Wednesday and let’s not forget as mentioned above – that all important UK election on Thursday.

I won’t disclose who I’m voting for, for fear of being stabbed, but to my fellow UK-ers, please make sure you get out there and do your part this week… let’s sort out this political mess.

Until next time, my dears… 💋