Royal round-up: 23rd February

Happy Sunday boys and girls! πŸ’‹ hope you’ve all had a fabulous week!

As I sit here, ready to dish the snark, I realise I really should be getting on with a tonne of housework instead, but as ever, this is way more entertaining.

So – with what was a rather explosive week in royal world – let’s get started!

Harry and Meghan banned from using “Sussex Royal”

About fucking time

Yes, the Queen has finally put her small, dainty foot down and told Harry and Meghan that, after spending thousands of pounds on setting up “Sussex Royal”, she’s not allowing them to cash in on the name after all.

“That’s what you get for trying to fleece the crown, you pair of tossers.”

The Queen might be nearly 94-years-old, but there’s no denying that she’s still sharp as a tack and with an incredible sense of humour.

Watching Harry and Meghan scramble around to try and hold on to the last dregs of their fortune, only to pull the rug from under their feet at the last minute is pretty fucking hilarious. I’m saluting the Queen this week.

Cheers Ma’am – thanks for being a bad bitch

But of course, no bit of Harry and Meghan news released is complete without the Sussex Shitheads dropping a statement to complain about how hard done by they are.

First of all, this statement held more shade than the Amazon rainforest. It was so petulant and passive aggressive, it couldn’t have echoed more of some of the aggy emails I send to idiots on a Monday morning.

“As per… my last email… you fucking dipshit.”

The first gem that caught my eye was this little nugget, where Harry and Meghan appeared to be having a dig at other members of the BRF who have apparently held onto their titles without actively supporting the crown, a la Beatrice and Eugenie:

Yes Rachel, because Beatrice and Eugenie were born princesses and you were just about born a human

And honestly, are they really questioning why a 12-month review period has been put in place? Maybe because you’re both loose cannons and I wouldn’t trust you to clean my fucking windows, much less represent the monarchy in any capacity.

On a more serious note, it should also be stated that the reason nobody has an issue with Beatrice and Eugenie being known as “HRH Princess” is because neither of them rely on taxpayers’ money, they both have actual jobs and don’t expect the public to fork out for security.

Just in case you needed any clarification, you morons

And next up, Meghan was still keen to tell us all, as one last middle finger, that she is still “Her Royal Highness” but “just not using it”.

Yeah, and I’m known as the Queen of West London, but I leave that title at home most days as well

Honey, you’re fooling nobody; my toilet is more regal than you’ll ever be and forget “HRH”, we all know you’ll lose the lot when the divorce happens anyway. I’d enjoy it while you can.

They were also keen to remind us that Harry is still in line for the throne, yet he’s so far back, I’ve got more chance of becoming President of the United States than he does of becoming King.

You’ll need binoculars to see that order of succession, mate

Then Twat 1 and Twat 2 moved on to the issue of security, as though any of us are really losing sleep over their safety.

Note the double gap after “their son”, where Meghan had probably gone to call him “Prince Archie” before realising it was somewhat factually incorrect

And “The Duchess’s own independent profile”? What would that be, love? Oh wait – don’t tell me!

Is it “Natalie – hot chick”?

They also talked about how Harry would retain some random titles he apparently “earned” in the military, but wouldn’t be allowed to use, as they were “gifted by the sovereign”.

Technically so was Frogmore Cottage babe, so maybe you should give that one back as well

Haz and Megs were also keen to let us know how incredibly close they are with their “team” (all two of them that are left), and that they have “worked closely” with them all to ensure that there is a “smooth transition”.

Oh yeah – I’m sure Meghan is real close to them sat on her arse four thousand miles across the Atlantic, barely remembering any of their names, let alone giving a shit where they end up.

“Yeah, just update your CV, I hear that Starbucks in Reading is looking for a toilet cleaner. Anyway, gotta run, the kitchen in the East Wing is being renovated today.”
This is honestly the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever read – coupled with the fact that they couldn’t resist referring to themselves as “Their Royal Highnesses” one last time πŸ™„

And in regards to the all important ban of using “Sussex Royal”, the fact that they were no longer allowed to use this was pushed right to the bottom of the statement, largely because Meghan was probably having difficulty typing this out.

“I just… can’t do it, yah.”

But eventually she got the words out, also whacking in the fact that they will “still continue with their charitable efforts” (lol) and will ultimately operate as a non-profit organisation.

Yeah, and I’m Gandhi’s left bollock

If you’re planning on operating as a non-profit organisation, just how exactly do you expect to make your money?

They go on to talk about the legal implications of using the word “royal”, and reluctantly agree publicly not to use this anywhere going forward — largely because they probably couldn’t afford the legal team to go up against the Queen.

“One would wipe the floor with your sorry un-royal arses.”

After trying to put more fluff on the statement regarding their inability to pimp out Sussex Royal, the pair end by saying that they are “excited” to share the next phase of their plans with everyone – although I honestly doubt they have come up with anything yet.

“Open a pub?”

And while their statement may have been gracious (ha), what Meghan said afterwards behind closed doors, most certainly wasn’t.

Yeah, and you don’t own Sussex either, yet look how desperately you’re trying to hold onto that one

Likely after one too many chardonnays, Meghan finally lost her shit and told her friends exactly what she thought of the Queen for banning their efforts to cash in on titles that the Sovereign created for them and can take away if they so wish.

“That geriatric inbred thinks she can just take away my title?!”
“Babe, you’re lucky you even left with your first name let alone anything else.”

Throw your toys out the pram all you like, Sussexes – we all know this won’t end well anyway, and as usual, the Queen has had the last laugh. Ta-ta, now!

Jon Bon Jovi texts

This has got to be the most embarrassing thing I will witness in 2020.

Last week, one of the Sussexes (probably Harry) took to Instagram to share a fake text conversation, depicting a fake exchange between Bon Jovi and Harry.

Christ – is anything they do REAL?

Who knows what the point of this was, but all I can say is that I was cringing 0.01 seconds in.

You have no idea how many times I had to sit through this painful video just to get screenshots

Honestly, I’m worried about what this means.

Is it going to be Harry getting up onstage after a few pints and singing with Bon Jovi? What a way to take the piss out of the wounded veterans of Invictus – this isn’t karaoke at your local, mate.

Secondly, this means he is actually planning a visit to the UK this coming week.

Please do spare us more embarrassing antics from Twat 1, whereby he will inevitably hijack the stage at some point to talk about “The Big Sussex Transition” and will probably throw in a few crocodile tears for good measure.

“I know you’re all missing limbs, yah, but I might actually have to get a job.”

We’re in for a double surprise I’m sure if Twat 2 decides to join him – although I’m hoping she’ll think this beneath her and will stay sat on her ever-widening arse in Canada with Sussex Spawn.

Either way, this is sure to be a interesting week.

Prince Charles visits flood victims

Charlie boy out here, doing what the Prime Minister can’t be fucked to do.

Yep – earlier this week, The Prince of Wales headed to Pontypridd, where he met those sadly affected by the devastating floods, brought on by Storm Dennis last weekend.

“And I also heard there are some excellent pubs around here.”

Prince Charles took the time to speak to those who had lost their homes and possessions in the brutal weather, and seeing how he could be of help to those affected.

“I will do whatever I can to help you through this ghastly time in your life; just say the word, and I’ll make it happen.”
“No no, you can’t live with us at Clarence House, dear, don’t be so bloody stupid.”

All jokes aside, as the Prince of Wales, it was nice of him to visit. Let’s face it, it’s not as if Boris Johnson gives a shit.

“Sorry, one had a bakewell tart in the oven and it wasn’t going to eat itself.”

So thank you Charles for doing your bit; and I hope those affected by the floods are back on their feet soon. ❀️

“I told you there was a tavern somewhere around here. Chin chin, yah.”

Well I can only imagine just what this week will bring – quite frankly, I’m terrified but I reckon it’ll be entertainment at it’s finest.

Same time next week, my lovelies? πŸ’‹

Royal round-up: 18th February

Happy Tuesday all! πŸ’‹

Apologies for the delay in posting on Sunday; those of you who follow me on Twitter will know that it was my dad’s 60th birthday on Saturday and overall, a very busy weekend. I could just about string a sentence together from being so tired – much less finish up a blog entry!

Well as usual, a fair bit has occurred in royal world this last week, so let’s take a look at some of the highlights…

Kate’s Podcast

So on Saturday, a podcast with the Duchess of Cambridge and Giovanna Fletcher aired, believed to have been recorded some time in late January when Kate was on her mini tour of Britain to promote her ‘5 Big Questions’ initiative.

This was super interesting, as I feel it was the first time that Catherine has been so candid about her experiences so far with motherhood and it was lovely to hear her speak as so many mums do– especially about feeling guilty for leaving her children behind when going out on engagements.

Catherine talked about the fact that while she is a hands-on mum, she still often worries about whether or not she is parenting her children in the right way and experiences the same worries all mums do – royal or not.

“And you know, by and large, they are well behaved children – but one does not hesitate to smack them upside the head every now and again.”

She also went on to laugh about how George and Charlotte ‘couldn’t understand’ why Catherine doesn’t do the school run sometimes when she has to be out of the house early for engagements, and how they often express their annoyance over this.

“You never do the school run anyway, you fucking liar.”

And also somewhat surprisingly, Catherine also discussed childbirth and how she turned to hypnobirthing following her first experience with hyperemesis gravidarum (severe morning sickness) while expecting Prince George. The Duchess told Mrs Fletcher, “I’m not going to say that William was standing there, sort of chanting sweet nothings at me. He definitely wasn’t! I didn’t even ask him about it, it was just something I wanted to do for myself.”

“Yeah, I was the fuck outta there the second she went into labour.”

I must admit, having never had a baby and not really being into all that kumbaya shit, I’m not really sure what hypnobirthing is; but the thought of William trying to aid an agitated and tired Catherine while she was in the midst of an agonising labour was rather funny to me:

All in all, a sweet and interesting conversation between Catherine and Giovanna – hoping Kate does more engagements like this going forward!

Harry to support US veterans

Like they haven’t been through enough already.

It emerged this last week that Prince Harry, who was recently stripped of his uniform and medals, is apparently now going to take it upon himself to ‘aid veterans of the USA and Canada’ – because apparently two such powerful countries need Harry’s input in order to thrive.

What Harry is going to teach them, I don’t know; he was no doubt well-protected while on the ‘frontline’ himself and likely didn’t risk having any arms or legs blown off during his two tours of Afghanistan, so perhaps he has other matters on the agenda to discuss with them…

“Now I don’t know much about Afghanistan and weapons of mass destruction, yah – but if you need advice on how to marry a woman who will alienate you from your family, just give one a call. Rates are charged per minute.”

A ‘source’ commented on the ‘initiative’, saying that “Now Harry has broken away from the Royal Family, he can finally focus on the causes that really matter to him.”

“The causes that really matter to him”? So what have the last 35 years meant to him then?
In all that time, he was supporting charities affiliated with the army, creating initiatives such as the Invictus Games and championing charities such as Walking With The Wounded.

So it’s really nice to hear that these were all things that ‘didn’t really matter’ to him.

Harry – piss off, mate. You’ve been given free rein to back whatever causes you’ve wanted for the best part of three decades – please don’t act like you’ve been forced to support things you haven’t wanted to.

“Like I say, I’m not very knowledgable on the topic, yah – I just like wearing the uniform because it’s easier to get laid.”

In kick-starting this ‘project’, Harry apparently plans to meet with officials from the PTSD Association of Canada, which supports thousands of troops dealing with the condition and aims to find various ways to support them.

“Yes, even I, a rich and privileged Prince, have struggled with my own experiences with PTSD…”
“…no, not from my time in the army, you peasants – from being married to Meghan for the past two years.”

All I can say is God help those poor veterans; having quite literally been through the wars and then having to listen to a toy soldier ginger prince pretend to identify with them. Let’s hope this isn’t a regular visit.

Harry and Meghan pictured for first time since Megxit

Interestingly, the same time as Catherine’s podcast is released.

Unfortunately, we were ‘treated’ to some photos of Dumb and Dumber landing in Victoria, Canada (from where, fuck knows) – but at least this time they had the common sense to use a commercial airliner.

Probably because they can no longer afford a private jet

Well, firstly – it’s clear their new-found freedom suits them.

Meg is free to look as messy as she likes now; hair all over the gaff, low cut top barely covering anything and that all-important binder under her arm to make it look as though she is actually doing something other than sitting on her arse and ordering the house staff around.

“Do I look really sophisticated and less yacht-y yet, yah?”

It does appear that times are tough though; in addition to flying commercial, it appears they were also having to carry their own bags (the horror). Though this did come in handy for Harry; at one point, while Meghan walked ahead of him (what’s new) down the steps of the aircraft, the Prince was in a great position to ‘accidentally’ decapitate his wife.

“At last – the moment has arrived. The wheels are perfectly level with the nape of her neck…”
“Actually, fuck it – I can’t be arsed to take care of Archie by myself.”

But alas, having lost his balls a while ago, he chickened out and settled for attempting a runner instead.

“There’s a hole in that fence – consider one’s royal arse, hauled!”

Harry and Meghan axe staff

In the interest of saving some money, it has been reported that Harry and Meghan have axed their staff at their Buckingham Palace office here in London – though the story has been spun that there is ‘no longer a need for them’ as the couple are spending so much time in Canada. Harry and Meghan told their staff formally in January:

“Your P45s are in the post, bitches.”

To me, this is the biggest sign to date that they have more chance of setting foot on the moon than back in Britain ever again, so I really think we might be lucky enough to have seen the last of them. Sort of. For now.

Though I did have to laugh though; Meghan, who likes to champion educational and employment opportunities for women, has just intentionally put a load of them out of a job so early on in the year. So much for being ‘kind’ and ‘compassionate’.

“Thank you all for your hard work over the last two years, six months or one week that each of you have worked for us… The situation is heartbreaking and I can’t find the words to say… except for maybe… leave your company iPhones on the way out – Haz and I need to flog them for a bit of extra cash.”

Apparently some of those who have lost their jobs will be ‘absorbed back into the royal family’ for work, but most of them will be facing redundancy and are currently negotiating pay packages – even those who were appointed about five seconds ago.

I’d be SO fucked off if I was one of these people. A lot of them were poached from notable places (such as Burberry) as early as six months ago; can you imagine how pissed you’d be if you had walked out of a perfectly decent job and were already out on your arse just months later?

All jokes aside, I do feel for those who have lost their jobs – but what I can tell you is that given how smart and well-educated these people seem to be, they could honestly do much better than working for some loser and his demanding wife – I’m sure they won’t have any trouble finding something new.

Ok guys, that’s all for now – see you again on Sunday when I’m sure there’ll be more shit to make fun of. Until then…

Royal round-up: 9th February

Happy Sunday ladies and gents! πŸ’‹

Apologies for the lack of post last weekend; for those of you who follow me on Twitter, I mentioned that it was a really busy one at work – culminating in me eventually losing my shit and screaming at everybody:

“I’ve fucking had enough of you MORONS!”

In any case, breakdown aside and with plenty to have occurred in royal world, I wouldn’t want to keep you waiting any longer– so let’s dive right in to this week’s royal round up!

Kate’s Holocaust Survivor Photos

We’ll start with a nice one – Kate’s wonderful photographic work with Holocaust survivors, taken in early January.

The photographs depicted Holocaust survivors with their grandchildren, with the photos also containing items of theirs that were sentimental to them.

The photos speak for themselves and there isn’t really anything further I need to say here, other than how much fun The Duchess of Cambridge looked like she was having working with these wonderful souls.

Just lovely and genuine – great work, Catherine πŸ’–

Meghan’s looking for a manager

.. and then this one comes along to ruin it all.

Yep, barely five seconds out of the UK and Meghan is already looking for a manager to manage her budding and promising future in Hollywood.

Yeah, I know – I couldn’t hold in the laughter either

So keen to show the world how “talented” she is, Meghan is on the hunt for an agent to represent her for “future professional projects” – of which she deludedly believes there will be many.

Well I wouldn’t part with our your cash just yet, babe

But it seems that Meghan’s already had a bit of luck with the search, and has signed a contract with Disney to provide a voice over for something or other, whereby the cash earned from this will apparently be donated to charity Elephants Without Borders.

That’s if Meghan doesn’t get her greedy mitts on it first…

“Fuck the elephants, Archie needs feeding and that Givenchy ain’t gonna buy itself – I’ll be having that, thanks.”

But I must say, as their public funding is being cut off, it’s a good idea Meghan tries to find as many ways of making money as possible. And if all else fails, Meg can always go back to yachting or whatever else it was she did before.

“Don’t worry, H – this is all for the sake of our family and the commonwealth!”

I think maybe it should be pointed out though that if Meghan couldn’t get any leading parts in Hollywood all these years, it’s unlikely that she’s going to be inundated with job offers now. Though maybe Hollywood execs have been impressed with her most recent performance…

“Perhaps you’ve seen my work in ‘I Really Do Love The Prince’ and ‘I Promise I Give A Shit About My Charity Work’. They’re both Oscar-worthy, I swear.”

Meghan has also been rumoured to have provided an updated audition tape – as it was far more impressive than the last.

“Please find enclosed my audition tape, taken from my wedding in May 2018. This is the biggest role I’ve ever undertaken and my best piece of acting to date.”

Whatever. Good luck Meghan – I fear you’ll need it.

Meghan’s reality show

Thankfully this one turned out to be fake news.

So there was a rumour going around that Meghan was apparently going to be presenting a documentary, led by Jessica Mul-Cronie, whereby the main focus was second weddings. Getting married more than once – something Meghan is an expert at by now.

The idea was that Meghan would speak to couples where one half or more were planning their second wedding – as though that’s really an interesting discussion.

“So you’ve been married before and now you’re getting married again?”

No doubt Meghan could’ve offered up some really helpful advice on the subject, such as how to tell your fiancΓ©’s grandmother that the church in the castle stinks and you want some air freshener installed:

Meghan recounts her first visit to St. George’s Chapel

Or how to combat things when you don’t get along with the popular future sister-in-law and need to lay down the law of the land:

“Fuck off Kate, you’ve had your wedding!”

And most importantly, how to get your husband to ditch his entire family and move to another country for you:

“We’ll build a new life together, Harry.”

In fact, so confident in her third second marriage skills is Meghan that she has even broached a film idea based on her life to Hollywood officials, based loosely on “How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days”.

It’s due for release in early 2021, Meghan will be playing herself and the title will be “How to lose a Royal Family in less than two years”.

Alas, the wedding programme was not true (unfortunately – I was looking forward to having a good laugh), but I’m sure something similar will be coming at some point…

Maybe The Real Housewives of Windsor?

Keeping up with the Sussexes?

The Simple Sussex Life?

Either way – I’m sure we’re all very excited.

Harry and Meghan’s security

So word came out in the last week that Harry and Meghan have apparently felt the need to “beef up” their security detail in Canada – labouring under the misapprehension that anybody actually gives a shit about them.

Not many of us, that’s for sure

Why the Canadian government have allowed them to do this, I don’t know; surely they can’t be ok with parting with yet more money to support these two lazy freeloaders, who honestly believe people want to touch them with a ten-foot pole?

On top of that as well – it appears that they are getting more value for their money by asking their security to run errands for them too, such as grocery shopping and buying coffee.

Meghan throws a tantrum when her matcha tea doesn’t make it’s daily appearance

Among the security team’s new list of duties include picking up dry-cleaning and basically acting as a team of personal assistants to Harry and Meghan – because the PAs they did have quit a long time ago.

Actual footage of Harry and Meghan’s staff escaping from Frogmore last year

One thing that doesn’t make any sense to me is that if they’re sending these security officers out on errands, how are they meant to protect them?

“Sorry folks, someone broke into the Sussexes’ house because we were out fetching their Starbucks.”

I do think it’s time somebody told Harry and Meghan that not everybody around them is some sort of lackey – and that they need to stop blurring the lines where people’s jobs and duties are concerned.

You wouldn’t see the Prime Minister of the UK cleaning the Downing Street toilets, would you?

No – but Boris in the bogs would have me in hysterics

In any case, I think it’s time these two dialled it down; you’re two nobodies and a baby and I can guarantee that very few people want to get close to you.

Harry’s on WhatsApp

A lot – apparently.

Sources close to Harry say that he has been “more active than ever” on the group WhatsApp, leading everybody to believe that he’s bored shitless in Canada with nobody other than Meghan to chat to.

“Hello… chaps. One is…. bored. How are you all… this fine day?”

I’m mildly surprised by this revelation, as I didn’t think Harry had any mates left, seeing as Meghan seems to have ensured he cut all of them out of his life.

Poor Haz has probably resorted to calling his mates from the shitter whenever Meghan is out doing yoga or shouting at the house staff.

“Guy Pelly, yah? Let’s keep this short – Meghan’s out farming the kale and that won’t take all day.”

But the Duke has confidence that his friends won’t forget all about him just because he’s on another continent, with the following being said:

Well if the distance doesn’t split you all up, your wife will certainly see to that one

Apparently Harry still relies on his friends to “keep him entertained” while he’s in Canada, as the group often share ‘funny video clips’ to make one another laugh.

“Haha – good one chaps πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚!”

There were even some rumours that some of Harry’s friends no longer even had his phone number as they had “barely spoken to him” since he had gotten married. This was no doubt down to Meghan forcing him to change his number.

“He’s been… speaking to… his FRIENDS? You’ll be getting a new phone now Harry, you bastard, yah?!”

Harry – take my advice mate. Get a separate phone and hide it from your Manipulative Mrs.

Commonwealth Day

So a new one has broken this weekend – apparently The Queen has requested that Harry and Meghan attend the Commonwealth Day ceremony at Westminster Abbey next month.

It’s a hard pass from the United Kingdom, your Maj

Why the Queen has requested this, I do not know; last year was enough of a shambles, with Meghan turning up looking like she was channeling Florence Nightingale in that bloody awful get-up.

“I didn’t know you were working as an air hostess for Emirates now, yah.”

I just do not see the point.

They’ve decided to leave. They’ve gone. Why must we be subjected to yet more pointless appearances from two people who couldn’t give less of a shit about representing the United Kingdom?

“Harry, I don’t give a shit about Commonwealth Day, yah – I’ve got half the Crown Jewels up my dress – let’s just haul arse out of here and flog them on eBay.”

In any case, I can’t really see them crossing the Atlantic just to sit in Westminster Abbey for an hour. They won’t be making any money off it, so I just don’t see it happening. Meghan’s only interested in appearances that will make her a significant amount of money now, so to hell with the aging grandmother and her olive branch.

Meghan passes on her verbal RSVP to Harry, as he speaks to Queen Elizabeth on the phone

And if the worst does happen and they are there, we know Meghan will wear something hideously ugly that we can all laugh at, so everyone’s a winner.

Princess Beatrice’s wedding

This past week saw the announcement that Princess Beatrice and her fiancΓ©, Edoardo Mozzi will marry at St. James’s Palace on 29th May, followed by a reception at Buckingham Palace.

Putting aside all the issues with her father at the minute, I am genuinely happy for Beatrice and Edo and wish them all the best in their married life.

I’ve seen one or two harsh comments from people who, given Prince Andrew’s antics, have questioned why the couple are allowed to have a big wedding in a palace, but I’m not sure I understand why this is being questioned at all.

They moved the goalposts for Harry and a divorcee actress from Cali, so is there a reason people are questioning why a blood-born princess and granddaughter to the monarch should be afforded this honour?

Wind your necks in

Whether Harry and Meghan will attend the wedding yet remains to be seen; I mean, Harry has always been super close with Beatrice and Eugenie, but seeing as he’s dropped everyone from his life recently, it wouldn’t surprise me if his cousins had ended up on the cutting room floor also.

In any case, as the Sussexes’ wedding anniversary and Archie’s birthday are both in May, I’m sure MM believes this is the “Month of Meghan” and resents anything else taking place during this time.

“Ugh, honestly Harry, can’t these bitches stop stealing my thunder?”

In any case, I do have a feeling the Gruesome Twosome will attend; why let Beatrice and Edo have their day when you can come along and spoil it?

“Time to announce another pregnancy!”

Fuck, I hope not.

Anyway my loves – that’s all for this week; there were one or two items I’ve left out, but will go back over next week. I’ve written so much today that my fingers are about to fall off!

Until then – wishing you all a fabulous week and I’ll see you next Sunday! πŸ’‹

Royal round-up: 26th January

Happy Sunday darlings! πŸ’‹

Hope you’ve all had a fab week!

Well as usual, there’s been a fair bit to document and I spent most of the week trying to grab headlines for this blog post, feeling like my head was going to explode.

Sussexes please – give me a bloody minute

But not one to complain about having material to write, without further ado, I give to you – this week’s royal round-up!

5 Big Questions

So this week was an important one for The Duchess of Cambridge; she went on a mini-tour of Britain as she launched the “5 Big Questions” all adults should be asking when it comes to children’s mental health.

Catherine visited Birmingham and Cardiff as she launched the initiative – even getting to join a baby sensory class, where she was able to relate to other mums about the struggles of being a first-time mother.

“It was just so difficult, yah. We were holed up in this luxury cottage in North Wales with the nanny and all this money and free time, and I just felt SO isolated.”

It was a great opportunity for the Duchess to also meet some of the young children whose parents are supported by the centre – especially since we all know how much Kate loves babies and children.

“Look, do stop your whining or we’ll make sure you’re packed off to Canada to live with Haz and Megs.”

And there were even some arts and crafts for artsy Kate to get involved with:

“Look, you don’t need to make such a huge fuss about it, yah – I thought they were ashtrays. The cigarette’s been put out now, hasn’t it?”

Moving on to Cardiff, and Catherine was beginning to feel the strain of her tour. It was all so tiring, having to move around and actually interact with people.

“Honestly babes, show me to the bar STAT. One is gagging for a G&T.”

All jokes aside, Catherine should be really proud of herself for launching this initiative; it’s heartening to see royals who actually want to work and just get on with it, rather than making a fuss.

Well done, Kate!

Harry heads back to Canada and Meghan goes on a walk

Sometime last week, we finally got rid of Twat 2 when after failing to clear up the Megxit mess, Harry headed back to Vancouver to join Twat 1 and Archie.

“The rightful King has returned, yah.”

Harry, who wasn’t too thrilled to be flying commercial with the peasants, was even more upset to see that he had also been put in economy… on a WestJet flight, no less.

“I know things are tight, but surely we could’ve stretched to Business, yah?”

The shock continued to wash over Harry as he then had to take in the fact that there was no longer a bag-carrier hired to cart all his shit to and from the airport. Yes. Prince Harry of Wales actually had to carry his own hand luggage out of the airport.

“I think this is how the peasants do it.”

Onlookers onboard the flight said that Harry appeared to be “tired and agitated” during the journey, which stands to reason really and could be for a multitude of reasons; was it because it was a long journey? Because he had to fly in coach? Because he had to go back to Meghan?

Or was it simply because he was forced to fly with British Airways?

Some said that Harry “cheered up” once he approached his waiting car and opened the back door, many believing that it was because he saw Meghan in the backseat.

I think it was more likely he had spotted the car’s mini bar.

Welcome home Harry 😍

In the meantime of course, Harry’s wife Meghan was incredibly busy doing what she does best – posing for the cameras.

In a desperate bid to look like a domestic goddess, Meghan strapped Archie to her chest (incorrectly, and in a sling that was far too small for an 8-month-old baby), hauled her two rather depressed-looking dogs out of the house and took to the park… where somehow, the paparazzi seemed to know she was going to be there.

Wonder how they knew

She was clearly opting for a normal, natural look, but this was marred slightly by the fact her child was hanging like a rag doll from the sling she was struggling to hold up on her shoulders.

Honey. He’s too big for that sling. I’m sure your budget stretches to buying a new one for him.

It’s unclear whether or not Archie was asleep or had just been wedgied into unconsciousness, but either way, I was deeply concerned how a woman who has been a mother eight months still can’t carry her child properly.

Yeah, never mind the fucking cameras – you might wanna check on your child

In any case, after this little stroll, it emerged that Meghan and Harry viewed these photos as an “invasion of privacy” (despite it being an open public area) and were taking legal action against photographers.

Honestly, is Harry actually that fucking dense?

Does he actually think that the paparazzi managed to find Meghan in some random park in Vancouver without a tip off? When nobody else was around? How does he think they found her?

Apparently the Sussexes were “deeply upset” that anybody’s dared to photograph one of them in a public setting “without their permission”.

Yeah, she looks well upset, mate

Maybe she was more fed up because she saw the online criticism of her inability to hold her child properly and was angry about reading the truth. Or maybe because she had carted out the wrong Reborn Doll in her haste to leave the house and be spotted by photographers?

“Shit, I think this is the 18-month-old one. And the fucking head is coming off as well. Did Harry get this one off one of those shitty buyers on eBay again?”

Vancouver earthquake

Not long after Harry returned to Canada, an earthquake struck the Vancouver island they are currently staying on, measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale.

Some were baffled by this occurrence, but neighbours in the vicinity believed it to be Meghan and Harry having a fight, rather than an actual earthquake.

“WENT TO THE FUCKING PUB IN LONDON, DID YA?!”

Once Meghan had finished kicking Harry’s arse for going out for a pint, resulting in a few aftershocks following the main tremor, all went back to normal and the residents of North Saanich were able to rest easy.

The next day, photos showed that their $14 million property was still standing, but eerily silent – indicating that either the whole family were still asleep or Meghan had in fact murdered Harry.

Residents feared Harry had in actual fact ceased breathing and had since been buried under the Canadian mansion

But once it had been revealed that Harry was still alive and (somewhat) well, all went back to normal and the island could breathe easy again. Until the next fight, that is.

Harry and Meghan’s souvenirs are removed

So this week, it has also come out that Harry and Meghan’s wedding souvenirs were taken out of stock on the royal website.

Oooooh, Gan-Gan’s PISSED

Yes indeed – if you now search for “Duke and Duchess of Sussex” in the online shop, nothing comes up – indicating that you can no longer purchase a mug with their mugs on it.

Who the fuck’s spending money on this cheap shit anyway

It’s unclear what the royal collection have actually done with the mugs, plates and towels– but given the fact the royal family are likely no longer benefitting financially from these, I’d wager they’ve gone in the royal bin.

Buckingham Palace staff dispose of Harry and Meghan’s wedding memorabilia

Of course, a large handful of these were scooped up by Meghan on the way out of the UK so that she could spend her days in Canada admiring her own face.

“I just looked so amazing, yah.”

Or at least that was the original idea – some of the plates may or may not have come in to contact with Harry’s head upon his return from the UK.

“I’ll teach you to go to the fucking pub and then lose us our titles, you ginger twerp!”

The remainder of these were used as general cutlery in the Sussex’s new home, given that they were on a tight budget and could no longer afford to buy kitchenware.

“Meg, clean that wedding plate properly when you do the dishes, yah – there’s a baked bean stuck to my head.”

How domestic life plays out for Harry and Meghan remains to be seen, but I for one am very much looking forward to seeing how they lead lives as private citizens.

Harry surveys the scene after Archie experiences a particularly explosive episode of diarrhoea

Good luck Sussexes – you’re gonna need it.

Ok ladies and gents, that’s all for this week – I’m sure the next one will bring up yet more fuckery which I will very much look forward to reporting on.

Until such time, have a great week and I’ll see you all next Sunday! πŸ’‹

Royal round-up: 19th January

Happy Sunday my lovelies! πŸ’‹

Well bloody hell – not sure where to begin for this week. It’s been absolutely insane news-wise! My head was actually spinning trying to sort out headers for this.

Give me a break, Windsors

But after several large coffees, I’ve managed to muddle my way through. So let’s get stuck right in!

Sandringham summit

Ahh, it’s like the royal version of D-Day.

Yes, following Harry and Meghan’s “shock” announcement the week before last that they were planning on stepping down from their royal duties, Hapless Hazza was promptly summoned to the Sandringham Estate by his grandmother for a “royal showdown”.

One person who could not be arsed to stick around though was Prince Phillip, who hightailed it the fuck outta there just before the royal summit

The meeting was set for 2pm on 13th January, where Charles, William, Harry and The Queen were placed in a room together probably for the first time in months. One can only imagine the frosty atmosphere in there…

Actual footage of the Sandringham Estate

In the meeting, the future of the Sussexes was thrashed out between the current monarch, the two future monarchs, some ginger bloke and his weird American wife, who tried getting involved via Skype a few times, only to realise she had been blocked from the call line.

“But Harry, what does it mean when it says “person not recognised”? Everybody knows me, yah.”

Don’t worry Meghan, if you’re reading this – we all know I’m joking. Especially as Megs was very clear to let the public know that she “wasn’t barred” from the summit, and that she simply “didn’t feel the need to join the call.”

“Get out of bed to speak to the Queen about leaving her family? Bitch, I don’t think so.”

After a couple of hours of deliberation, the royals weren’t any closer to finding a solution – largely because Prince Harry insisted on getting drunk during the meeting and making stupid comments, much to the annoyance of his grandmother:

“Listen granny yah, I really think you should just let us be King and Queen. Maybe somewhere small, like Wales. I am the Prince of it, after all.”
“No you’re not, you little shit.”

The meeting was adjourned around 4pm; The Queen needed a stiff gin and tonic and Harry was now practically comatose at the table. Her Majesty released a statement letting the public know that she expected her family to reach a final decision “in the coming days”.

“Now fack orf, all of you; one has her eye on that bottle of Bombay Sapphire in the East Wing.”

For the next week, there were more meetings and deliberations about just what the Sussexes could walk away with.

Meghan was regularly on the phone to Harry, pulling the puppet strings and making it very clear that he was to bargain with The Queen for the very best deal possible.

Shitting hell mate – they could probably use her over at the Houses of Parliament for Brexit negotiations

This was it. Harry went into the final Royal Summit meeting amped up and ready to take on his family members. He’d leave with everything, Meghan would be happy and he’d be able to sew his balls back on at long last.

The Queen quickly put the kibosh on Harry’s plans

Her Majesty quietly informed Harry that in the interest of being financially independent, him and Meghan were to longer live off the British taxpayer – and would repay back all the costs for the renovation of Frogmore Cottage.

“I know we said ‘financially independent’, but we thought you were still going to give us money, yah?”

And then, the real sting – The Queen told Harry that he and Meghan, while remaining Duke and Duchess of Sussex, were no longer allowed to use their “HRH” style.

But after getting over the initial shock, and realising that he didn’t really want to be a Prince anyway, Harry departed from Sandringham – saying goodbye to his grandmother in an emotional moment, for possibly the last time ever:

“Safe G, I’ll catch you later, yeah?”

Now just to tell the wife via FaceTime. Better to be blunt and just come out with it, right?

“It was terrible Meghan, yah. But at least now we can be normal.”
“I don’t want to be fucking normal – I sent you there to get everything we possibly could out of Megxit, and you lost us our fucking titles?! This is some bullshit.”

After half an hour of Meghan telling Harry to “get back in there and negotiate it all again”, Harry had heard just about enough of his wife’s shrill voice; he told her the deal was done and she needed to let it go. It was over.

“And where the fuck do you think you’re going, you ginger weasel?”
Duke of Sussex out.

Disney Voice Over

It appears that the Sussex Two began planning for their exit as far back as the Lion King premiere last year, where new footage came out this last week of Harry pimping his wife out to various people involved with the film.

“Listen yah, I know she couldn’t crack Hollywood, but she’s done a sterling job pretending she loves me for the last three years, so that’s worth at least a voice over part, right?”

Meghan pretended to be all coy, like she didn’t know her husband was going to tout her for work, and tried to put on her best “Saint Diana” expression.

“But really, where do I sign?”

I think it must’ve been the most awkward for people around them who had to listen to this shite. Having members of the royal family ask you for a bloody job?

Can you imagine if William and Catherine did this? There’d be public uproar. I can just picture Prince William walking into the local Wetherspoons like:

“Yes, you should see the talent and skill in which Catherine drinks a glass of wine at home – she’d make a fabulous barmaid here.”
“It’s true yah, look at the precision in my hand when I hold a Merlot. Plus, like most unemployed British, I drink in the morning too, if that helps.”

In any case, it doesn’t appear so far that Disney want to hire Meghan’s “talents” for one of their feature films (they must’ve seen her in Suits), but if a part does call for an animated stripper or gold digger in the future, I’m sure she’ll be the first one they call.

Meghan women’s group

Keen to make it look like her and Harry were actually doing some work, Meghan made a cursory visit to a women’s center in Canada, where she did.. well… not a lot.

“Your Highness, would you like to actually visit the clients inside the centre?”

“Oh no babes, I’m good here; I just popped in because we’re out of coffee at home and I knew you’d offer me a free one here.”

I’m not actually too sure what this visit was meant to achieve, other than keeping up the pretence that her and Harry were still undertaking charity work.

Kate Gibson, the executive director, made mention of the fact that Meghan did not actually bother to go inside the centre to meet the clients – apparently due to “security issues”.

Gibson went on to say that as it was a women’s centre and no men were allowed to enter the main area, it would mean that Meghan’s security officers couldn’t go inside – thus meaning Meghan couldn’t either. Because apparently she’s really at risk of being attacked by impoverished women.

What do you think they’re gonna do, nick your cheap weave?

So much for standing with women in “solidarity” and being their “sister”; doesn’t quite hold the same meaning when you can’t be fucked to actually visit and speak to them.

This just confirms for me that Meghan and Harry have no interest in continuing their charity work going forward. This was a piss-poor “effort” from Meghan– who essentially popped in for a cuppa and a photo, before sodding off back to her mansion.

A few of the women here look like they’d rather join ISIS than stand next to Meghan

And then came the best part; Meghan’s team actually vetted the photos before they were released. Checking for what, I don’t know – but apparently madam wanted to pick and choose what went out to the public.

“She said she liked this one, because her thighs and waist didn’t look as big.”

All in all, and I’m sure Canada’s women’s Center would agree – a total fucking waste of time. Thanks for nothing, Meg!

“You’re welcome, peasants!”

Meghan at the airport

Clearly, Meghan has far more important things to do with her time, like pick up friends from the airport. Charity work?

Admittedly I have no idea who this friend is – nor do I give a shit. To my knowledge, she’s some sort of Pilates instructor who is just as bad as pretending she hasn’t spotted the cameras as her little friend Meghan.

“Omgzzzzz my big moment!!!”

Meghan, who was described by the tabloids as “independent” because she managed to actually drive her own car to the airport, rocked up with a protection officer in the passenger seat to pick up her mate.

“Ugh, actually – I’ve changed my mind about her staying. Maybe if I put these on, she won’t find us.”

But it appears her friend was able to spot Meghan a mile off and made her way over to the car, throwing her bags in the backseat and pausing to hug.

“Meg, where’s Archie’s car seat?”

“Oh don’t worry about that – I usually just drive with him in my lap a la Britney Spears, or leave him at home with the nanny.”

And then they were off – with Meghan being sure to check her wing mirror before pulling out into the traffic and away from the airport.

“Sorry guys, bear with me – we don’t want any Diana-style ‘accidents’. The family are pretty ticked off with me at the mo.”

Harry heads to the pub

Yep, with Meghan safely back in Canada, and Harry edging closer to no longer having to behave like a royal prince, he did what any man left to his own devices would do – he hit the pub.

Reports stated that Harry was seen “laughing and joking” in a Fulham bar with his pals, probably as he toasted his new-found freedom; both from being emancipated from the royal family and also because he had a short break from Meghan.

“This one’s for the Queen, bitches.”

The prince, who was allegedly forced to give up drinking by his wife some time ago, still continues to sneak a couple when she’s not around – which is always a lesser risk when she’s on a different continent.

Onlookers said that Harry seemed “happy and relaxed” as he enjoyed some beers and meal with his friends and “didn’t appear to have a care in the world.”

Yeah, I wouldn’t have a care in the world either if I’d just told my boss where to stick their job and was still gonna get millions for it

Meanwhile in Canada, the news that Harry had dared to join his friends in the pub for a pint had crept across the Atlantic – much to the fury of his uptight wife.

“He went to the pub and drank ALCOHOL?!”

It took a few Vicodin, some meditation and a lengthy call to Harry to calm Megs down – where she was reassured by her husband’s words:

“Calm down Meghan, yah – it was only a couple of beers and a roast chicken. Why are you so vexed?”

Coming off the phone, Meghan tried to steady her nerves by remembering her wedding vows to her husband and the promises she had made that day…

…which I’m certain it will once Harry gets in through the front door back in Canada.

Well that’s all for now, my darlings; this circus really is the gift that keeps on giving and I’m sure there’ll be plenty to report on next weekend.

Until then, have a fabulous week, keep the popcorn at the ready – and I’ll see you next Sunday! πŸ’‹

Royal round-up: 12th January

Happy Sunday lovelies! πŸ’‹

Well there’s no point beating around the bush – bloody hell, hasn’t this been an explosive week in royal news!

I think I speak for all of us when I say:

Before this week started out, I was doing what I normally do; opening up a draft for the following weekend’s blog, jotting down some headers and hoping something fairly big will happen over the week so that I can take the piss out of it on Sunday.

Boy, did I get what I wished for.

Storm Sussex struck the UK just after 7:00pm on Wednesday night

Well you’ve all been waiting long enough, so without further ado – let’s dive right in!

Harry and Meghan are out

This couldn’t NOT be the top news for this week, could it?

Yes, on Wednesday, Harry and Meghan sent shockwaves across the globe as they (finally) made the announcement that they are stepping down as senior royals within the BRF.

Not that they did much when they were actually in the fold, but whatever

The media made out that it was a “bombshell” announcement and they were all incredibly shell-shocked that the Sussexes had made this move… Though there are those of us who saw it coming already about three years ago, before the ring was even on; the only thing that has shocked me about the situation is that I thought it would take more time than it has.

Honestly, I thought Meghan would at least have the decency to play house and Princess for about five years before trying to tear down our 1000-year-old monarchy, but I guess the book deals and chat show appearances aren’t going to hang around forever.

“We can’t do this to Oprah, yah – she’s been waiting for months.”

To make this grand announcement, Harry and Meghan jetted back to the UK and visited Canada House, where they apparently went to “thank the Canadian government for having them”…

I mean, I don’t know about you, but I don’t usually visit the embassies of countries I have been to as I journey back from my hols. Something tells me this was just a ploy to be seen out and about and put them in front of the cameras.

“Where was it we went again? Vancouver? Or was it Toronto?”

Clearly Meghan was super excited to be back in front of the cameras and struggled to contain it as she sweat through her Β£300 jumper:

I’m sure this is the moment that she’d realised what had happened with her underarms, hence the robotic wave, but just like allowing her to marry into the family – it was now too late

I’m not entirely sure what the reason for this visit was, or why we all had to know about it, but what I do know is that in my search to find photos for this blog post, the Daily Mail had a nice personal hygiene tip for Meghan in the form of an ad within the article:

Bit peak but I’m laughing anyway

And then… a day later… all hell broke loose.

Who gives a shit, as long as they’re gone

The first thing to note from all of this is that despite the Queen being made aware toward the end of last year of the Sussexes’ intentions, she did tell them not to break the news to the public – something, amongst many other items, that they ignored.

“You little fucker – I’ll get you for this.”

It was also reported that the Cambridges, along with Prince Charles, were only notified of Harry and Meghan’s intentions to step down about ten minutes before it was announced to the general public – although I suspect William and Catherine were celebrating the news, more than anything else.

“At last, babes – we can open that bottle of Veuve Cliquot that we’ve been saving for a special occasion.”

And Prince Charles was left wondering if he’d be continuing to foot the bill for Harry and Meghan, even if they were living in another country.

“Do tell Harry exactly where he can shove this chequebook.”

But of course, despite the family’s reactions, there were questions: what would they do to make money, now that they wanted to be financially independent? Where would their main living base be? Will they keep their titles? And are we still paying for their security, because quite frankly, fuck that?

But the Sussexes have grand plans; Harry, keen to show his grandmother that he can provide for his family without taxpayer handouts, has taken a job at McDonald’s in a little town in Vancouver:

“So that was one pheasant happy meal with a side of quail eggs, yah? …Yah, sir? Oh fuck it, I’ll bag it up for Meghan’s dinner.”

And Meghan, who was slightly less keen on taking a job but knew she needed to keep herself in Givenchy, has started a new position as a Back of House Facilities Manager… or at least that’s what she’s put on her LinkedIn. The shortened term for it is “cleaner”.

“Bloody hell – they must’ve all had Harry’s caviar on toast from McDonald’s again.”

The couple, now realising they had about ten quid left from Harry’s inheritance from his mum, had to downsize in terms of property – and began renting a modest, two-bedroom abode in the heart of the city:

“Well I think it has character, Meg – I know it’s not Frogmore, but I’ll splash some paint around and have it looking like Buckingham Palace in no time, babes.”
“Ok babes, let’s give it a shot. But it really is a total shithole, yah.”

All jokes aside, I really do think they’ll regret this decision; bar trying to use the Sussex royal “brand” to make money, they have limited prospects when it comes to actually funding their lifestyles, save for a few talk shows and magazine deals.

I give it two years before Harry is trailing back to the UK with his tail between his legs and Archie in his arms, begging the BRF for forgiveness once Meg has divorced him.

“I know I fucked up yah, but the guest house at Windsor Castle will be ready for me, right Granny?”

And despite Charles’s concerns about how badly Meghan and Harry might rinse the Duchy estate, as they really don’t have any money of their own, he did try and see the silver lining to his son abandoning the family:

“…maybe with the stress of it all, you’ll finally cark it and one will get to sit on the throne at last.”

Of course, it all remains to be seen, but in the meantime and as it stands, we may finally be seeing the back of the Sussexes – and all I can say is feel free to leave your titles and (our) money at the door when you leave – and don’t let it hit you in the arse on the way out.

“So long, peasants – thanks for all the cash.”

Kate’s birthday

Poor cow.

Of course, Harry and Meghan would have to break their big news on the eve of her 38th birthday, totally overshadowing her celebrations. Or so the media thought, anyway.

On Thursday afternoon, Kate was seen driving through Kensington Palace gates, looking a little sombre following the Sussexes’ revelation.

The media did their level best to make it seem that her forlorn expression was due to Haz and Meg’s announcement, but I think it was more likely a hangover, after having started her birthday celebrations early the night before.

And what of the marks under her left eye?

Well, after one too many gin and tonics, Kate decided to drive over to Frogmore Cottage at 2am and tell Meghan what she really thought of her plans to break away from the royal family – resulting in a royal showdown.

“Meghan open the fucking door, you old skank – this is an order from the future Queen!”

Once Catherine had called Meghan every name under the sun, Meg decided she’d had just about enough of the Drunken Duchess and promptly delivered a thump to the eye, sending Kate flying backwards into the fine china cabinet.

“Bitch you think you can come in here with your good hair and long legs and tell me what’s what – get the fuck outta here.”

Hearing the commotion, Prince Harry eventually woke up and stormed into the living room in a desperate attempt to break up the fight:

“Ladies, cut it out, yah – this is no way for a future Queen and Z-list actress to behave.”

Realising she’d said her piece, Kate staggered away from Frogmore, armed with a fistful of Meghan’s weave and a black eye.

“Yeah, this isn’t over bitch; watch when I’m Queen Consort of Canada, I’ll have you decapitated and then deported.”

Otherwise, reports say that Kate had a lovely birthday with her husband, friends and children and even sent Harry and Meghan some birthday cake as a peace offering.

“Joke’s on you, babe – I shat in that one as well.”

Madame Tussaud’s move Harry and Meghan

They don’t fuck about over there, do they?

Yep, it took all of 0.3 seconds for Madame Tussaud’s here in London to separate Harry and Meghan’s waxworks from the rest of the royal family, signalling the beginning of the transition process.

Before, the rather sinister waxworks stood to the right of Her Majesty The Queen
Now, they stand… well, fuck knows where, but they’re not polluting the royal display and that’s all that matters

One can only imagine that they were dumped in the bins somewhere round the back – a joke that was cracked a few times over Twitter:

Seems like the best choice

Or maybe, for the Sustainable Sussexes who are environmentally-friendly humanitarians, they recycled the two mannequins and reused them as toilet seat covers at Buckingham Palace at Her Majesty’s request.

“Now one’s arse will always be warm when one goes to the bog at 3am.”

Well that’s all for this week, darlings; I think it goes without saying that this next week will bring a crazy amount of news, gossip and speculation on the Sussexes and their next move. I for one can’t wait – just so we can make fun of them next week, if nothing else.

In the meantime, sit tight, grab the popcorn and buckle up – we’re in for some turbulence!

Have a fabulous week, my lovelies πŸ’‹

Royal round-up: 5th January 2020

Hello hello, and happy new year everybody! πŸ’–

Hope you’re all having a fabulous start to the year so far!

I have to be honest, I feel like it was fairly quiet in royal world this week, so we’re not totally inundated – however, there are always things to discuss, so without further ado – welcome to the first royal round-up of 2020!

Harry and Archie’s photo

So earlier this week, the Sussex fandom lost their shit over a photo that they put out of Harry and Archie against a “Canadian” backdrop.

Yes. Groundbreaking stuff.

Like I say, I’m not arsed about children and I’m certainly not arsed about Harry and Archie, but one thing I will note about this photo is that Archie is fucking HUGE.

Seriously, is he starting school soon? I mean, Mary Poppins I am not, but I’m fairly certain an 8 month old child is usually smaller than this.

“Yes… I am… eight months old.”

Also, is he wearing a skirt and thick wooly tights?

There appears to be some sort of denim fabric hiked up by Harry’s arm, which doesn’t look like a pair of trousers to me. Couple that with the grey tights, and I’m fairly certain he’s wearing a dress or a skirt.

I know it’s 2020, and we’re all “raise your kids without gender” and all that other kumbaya shit, but give the poor little bugger a chance; he’s already got two self-entitled morons for parents, hardly any relatives as his mother has cut them all out and despite being born to a Prince, has been left on his arse without a title – don’t make things worse for him.

Archie has an epiphany

But despite my observations, Sussex fans across the world took to gushing all over the Sussex Instagram, banging on about how “amazing” the photo was and “how much Canada suits them.” I agree – Canada really does suit them. Because it means we don’t have to put up with them in the UK.

…in Canada, for the foreseeable future.

In any case, this idea seems somewhat stolen from the Cambridges; just after Kensington Palace release a shot that Catherine took of William and his kids, Meghan then has to do the same a week later – because she hasn’t got many original ideas in her head.

You said it, bitch

The Cambridge kids want to spend more time with Archie

Yeah, and I’m Obama.

Last week, there was an article put out on the Daily Mail about how Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis apparently “adore” their little cousin Archie, and “want to spend more time with him” as he grows up.

What, the cousin they never see and ignored at the polo?

Given the very limited interactions we’ve seen between Archie and the Cambridge kids in public, it couldn’t be more abundantly clear that Will and Kate’s children couldn’t give less of a shit about Archie if they tried.

“Yah, we don’t want to get to know him aunty Meghan, we were just trying to keep him safe as you have no fucking clue how to hold him.”

Speaking frankly, I don’t think three young children are that arsed about a baby who is barely crawling. I mean, how much interest can there really be?

“None what-so-fucking-ever.”

As for them “adoring” their cousin, and the article trying to make out like the Cambridges and Sussexes have Sunday lunch together every week and let the kids bond, I do remember an article coming out last summer which stated that William and Catherine’s brood hadn’t actually met Archie for the first two months of his life.

Yeah – close and adoring?

Of course, I could be totally wrong; they are innocent children and I’m sure they love their little cousin, spending most of their precious time together helping him navigate the big wide world, as he starts to crawl and explore…

“Here, Lottie – lob that at his head – let’s see how long it takes the little fucker to cry.”

Harry and Meghan help couple take a selfie

More Sussex PR for you this week.

Apparently during a hike in Canada, Prince Harry and Media Meg came across a young, stupid couple who were unable to use a selfie stick correctly (because that shit requires a PHD apparently), and very kindly offered their photographic services.

Waiting to be recognised, I think is a safer bet

Never mind those on the frontline battling the Australian bushfires, doctors and nurses who save lives every day and parents on the breadline who starve every night so that their children can eat; in a true act of heroism, Meghan Markle… took a photo.

She could maybe have done it so that the sun isn’t glaring on the back of the woman’s head and almost obscuring her face

As it’s been reported that Catherine is a keen photographer, we know little Meggy is desperate not to be outdone, and seems to have turned herself into something of an Ansel Adams while she’s sat on her arse in Canada.

Surprisingly, this couple were a little too shell-shocked at being approached by two unemployed grifters and kept gushing about it as though they’d witnessed the second coming or something.

Bit impolite to call Meghan and Harry dogs, especially since Meghan was coming over to you, but ok

I’m not sure why they were so excited; it’s painfully obvious Meghan only did this to be recognised and because she knew this woman was going to run to the papers and tell them what had happened, further keeping the Sussexes in the press. I do not believe for a second that this was a random act of kindness – does Meghan actually ever do those?

Nah, didn’t think so

It’s also clear that these little hiking trips are Meghan’s idea and her surefire way of being noticed in public, which is what she craves anyway.

I mean, I doubt Harry’s suggesting going on these walks; we don’t “hike” in Britain, unless there’s a pub at the top of the hill, so this is definitely an American initiative– and one where Meghan can revel in the starstruck awe of sad passers-by around her.

“You got me, yah.”

But all’s well that ends well; the couple enjoyed their (slightly shit) photo and Meghan got her name in the press for another 24 hours. Win win!

I won’t answer that.

Meghan mentions Australian bushfires

At last – they’ve only been burning for fucking months, but don’t let that spoil your two-month holiday.

Yes, the Sussexes finally took to Instagram to post about the Australian wildfires, expressing their “sadness” at the situation and how devastating it had been for the country.

And then.. predictably… they managed to somehow bring the post back to themselves and their own (disastrous) visit to Australia.

Was wondering how long it would take them

The only thing Meghan is “personally connected to” is the royal bank account.

Honestly, can they make one charitable post without it somehow coming back to their own stories and how it “personally affects” them?

“The Australian fires are so devastating– but remember when we visited and how amazing we both looked?”

“What’s happening has marked a really difficult time for Australia — but remember when we announced we were having a baby as soon as we arrived there?”

Honestly, both of you, shut up. I’d be willing to bet neither of them has made a financial donation to the Australia yet for these disasters, so until either one of them is prepared to get on the frontline with a hose in their hand, I’m not interested.

“Harry, it opens at this end, yah?”
“Don’t worry Meghan babes, I have it under control!”

Well that’s all for this week, my loves; I trust there will be tonnes more fuckery this week so that I can rant away next weekend.

If they’re not already, I reckon this coming week will see Harry and Meghan return to Britain and of course, there will be some announcements regarding William and Catherine that will be trickling in.

In addition to this, it is Catherine’s 38th birthday on Thursday, when the bells of Westminster Abbey will no doubt be rung in celebration – that will be exciting! πŸ””

In the meantime, have a fab week, be good, and I’ll see you all next Sunday! πŸ’‹