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Royal round up: 26th November

Hello all and happy Friday!

Hope you all had a good week: just had a quick 4-day break to beautiful Switzerland and feeling well rested.

If you live here, give yourself a pat on the back – such a gorgeous country!

Now that the holiday is over and I have a bit more energy, it’s time to return to the royal round up— and boy do I have more than enough material…

Finding Freedom involvement and letter

Breaking news: Meghan is a liar!

So despite denying any involvement in the Finding Freedom book that arse-licker Omid Scobie penned sometime two years ago, Meghan Markle recently had the decency to admit her involvement with the book…

Well, I say “that the decency to”– it was more that the Kensington Palace Chief of Staff, Jason Knauf, told the court she was involved and had the receipts to back it up, so she had no choice but to admit that she lied.

Won’t argue there.

Ever the diplomat, Meghan, funnily enough, had a tough time admitting that she had previously talked out of her arse when asked in court if she had fed information to the biographers for them to include in their epic masterpiece and instead tried to ‘apologise for misleading the court’ because she ‘forgot that she had given information for this’.

Excuse the fuck out of me, but who forgets their involvement with their own biography? That’s like one of us ‘forgetting’ we’d robbed a bank when facing trial.

“My bad, Your Honour– I totally forgot I nicked ten million from the Bank of England!”

No Meghan, I’ll tell you what really happened here; you lied through your teeth, hoped no one would ever find out, then realised Knauf had the evidence to fuck you over in court and now you’re back-pedaling. I mean, would you really have admitted to this if Knauf hadn’t told the court he had texts and emails from you?

I think I speak for most of us where when I say it’s a very exciting thing that Jason finally shafted her. She let his name be dragged through the mud last year when she framed him for alleged palace leaks, when we all know it was actually Meghan.

And what of the texts and emails? Well, they were certainly damning…

Didn’t have a clue about the book, but wants to have a debrief and discuss outreach? Fuck off dude.

Meghan, who claims that her text messages were ‘deleted every 30 days’ (yeah ok hun) doesn’t seem to realise that they’re not always deleted for the other party and here, we can see her telling Knauf to liaise with the biographers with her full permission.

Firstly, why were her texts deleted every 30 days? Or is this another crock of shit, like the time she told us she had her car keys taken away when she moved here?

Or… that other time when she didn’t have access to her passport?

Come on honey, pull the other one: it’s rather clear that this is yet another porky she’s told.

And what about the letter to her father that she ‘didn’t intend for anyone else to see’?

You’ll be utterly shocked to know that she was lying about that too!

Yep, Knauf revealed in court that Meghan had in fact told him that she had written it in such a way that she could ‘tug at the heart strings’, just in case it could be leaked. You know, on the off chance. Maybe.

Oh, piss off.

The only thing I tugged at was my hair while reading this pile of baloney. Dearest Meghan, we all knew what your intentions were almost three years ago when you wrote that letter; even then, you were playing at being an actress, not a daughter. It’s just we actually have a way to prove it now.

It doesn’t surprise me anymore since her and Harry’s fans are so deluded, but I still have to laugh at the fact that they’re vehemently defending her when she has straight up lied to everyone. Seriously Sussex fans, what does she need to do for you to think ‘alright, maybe she’s not such a great person after all”?

Run over a member of your family?

Hijack a plane?

Record a message telling you all to go fuck yourselves?

You know what– stay blind. It’s funnier for the rest of us and if these are the lies just coming out at the start, I can’t wait to see what else she has blagged. Stay tuned!

The show is just starting!

Harry & Meghan’s Veteran Appearance

Ok firstly– I hate to make this about anyone other than the veterans, but we all know what the main topic of discussion was there, so I won’t beat about the bush.

That. Dress.

YIKES.

Meghan, my love, what the fuck were you thinking?

She has given me increasing Kardashian vibes for the last two or so years, but she went full Kim K that night. I am fairly certain this is not what you wear to honour the fallen; a strapless, plunging, ill-fitting ‘gown’ that was apparently custom made by Carolina Herrera but did not flatter her at all.

No love, it doesn’t look any better than the front.

I will be the first to say I don’t like making comments about people’s bodies, but this is not even about her body, this is just simply about the fact that it doesn’t fit. Her and the dress could be four sizes smaller and it still wouldn’t fit, because it’s just not tailored properly.

Was your stylist off sick or something?

I was most flummoxed by the, er, weird nipple points. They kind of looked like those weird cones we had to zig-zag through in PE at school when you were 7:

Secondly, that neck line doesn’t do her any favours. It’s borderline a halter, and unfortunately, those necklines rarely look good on anyone, let alone someone who looks like they got dressed in the dark.

I’m really confused by this woman; you’d think that after making some grand exit from the most famous family on the face of the earth that she’d actually want to look as glamorous as possible to ‘show them what they are missing’ (which isn’t much), but instead she looks ten times worse than when she was in the BRF.

All her clothes are either too big, too small, too revealing, too frumpy… I can only imagine she’s dressing herself, because if someone is actually doing this to her before she leaves the house, she’s being conned out of her money.

Meghan and her stylist before she leaves the house.

But poor dress sense aside, the most shocking item came next…

When the pair entered the auditorium for this event, firstly, they introduced her before Harry.

Now I’m no fan of Haz-no-balls myself, but seeing as he’s the born Prince and the reason she even clings to a title as it is, where does she get off being introduced first?

Secondly, they actually made everyone stand and sing the British national anthem.

I.. just… what?

They are US veterans, they are in America and Meghan and Harry are not working royals; so can someone in NYC working on this event please explain why this happened?

This is classic Meghan and Harry: wanting all of the perks and none of the responsibility. No one needs to sing the British National Anthem in the presence of these two wannabe-Kardashians; last time I checked, neither of you are the Queen and you ain’t the England football team either.

“Pull a stunt like that again and the only place you’ll be singing is in the street for your supper.”

Not for the first time, this demonstrates a massive amount of disrespect toward Queen and country, but it’s not like either of them give a shit. Clearly they are desperate to be their ‘own royalty’ — hell, next time you see them, they’ll have devised their own national anthem to be sung by America every time they wake up in the morning.

“Oh, and Harry’s royalty too, apparently.”

I think it’s best we leave this one here for now and pray we never have to witness such an eye-sore ever again.

“My wife does voice overs you know, yah?”

Harry and Meghan visit Afghanistan refugees

As if they hadn’t been through enough fleeing a war-torn country, they actually subjected a poor bunch of Afghanistan refugee kids through more of their bullshit.

And were apparently keen to bring a side dose of COVID, as Meghan remains clueless on how and when to wear a mask.

Yes, on today’s episode of Meghan and Harry are Self-Serving Money-Grabbers, they this time thought it was their place to teach young children English by singing ‘Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes’, which they later revealed was their son’s favourite song.

Shouldn’t you be at home teaching your own kids how to speak?

Again… can anyone explain what the point of this was? Oh wait! I know!

Yeah, isn’t it super funny how these two didn’t do one jot of charity work in two years, but are now suddenly ramping this up in the last two months? And I don’t believe the pandemic is the reason. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge managed to catch up with all their charities regularly over Zoom during lockdown and other periods of time since early 2020– what stopped Harry and Meghan from doing the same?

“It didn’t involve me wearing a ballgown and having fifty cameras focused on me.”

I would be interested to know the last time Meghan spoke to Smartworks? Or the Grenfell Cooking Kitchen? I mean, these were personal patronages meaning they weren’t taken away from them, so surely they’d like to hear from Markle? Or maybe not, you know…

“From the good people of North Kensington to The Duchess; please accept this cooking ladle as a gift that you can promptly shove up your arse.”

But back to the poor children in New York who were probably bored shitless listening to Meghan drone on for hours about some crap or another, while her eldest child, Harry, sat happily cross-legged on the carpet with his classmates for story time.

“Listen kids yah, inspirational speeches are my wife’s bag.”
“Who the fuck is she and why won’t she stop talking?”

I’m not actually sure what Meghan was reading to them past the little singalong, but let’s have a little bet, shall we…. Do we think it was:

Whatever it was, I’m sure they slept well that night.

“And this here is a pen… You may recognise it as the tool I used for my contrived calligraphy when I wrote my letter to daddy. I’m sure you’ve all heard about that, yah?”

Remembrance Sunday

Moving on to the real royals… Sunday 14th November marked Remembrance Sunday and the annual appearance by the Royal Family on The Cenotaph to lay wreaths and take part in a two-minute silence.

It was announced on the morning of that The Queen would no longer be in attendance after curiously ‘spraining her back’ at the last minute…

Apparently she was a little busy in Soho the night before…

Instead, the ceremony was attended by The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall and The Earl and Countess of Wessex.

On the foreign office balcony, Catherine, Camilla and Sophie all gathered to pay their respects to the fallen.

Of course, the atmosphere was sombre, but with some slight smiles on occasion from the trio.

“Kate, did you hear Meghan’s appearing on Ellen to eat biscuits and squat?!”
“What?!… stay sombre, stay sombre…”

It was also Prince Charles’s 73rd birthday, but as his mother could not be present, he lay a wreath on her behalf, seemingly quite emotional.

We do hope The Queen makes a speedy recovery and is able to attend next year.

“Anything to stop Britain’s answer to Kim and Kanye from singing my bloody national anthem again.”

The Royal Variety Show

And now… on to the glitz and glam!

“Christ, this g-string is properly cutting me in half.”

Last week, after the more sombre events of Remembrance Sunday, William and Kate took to the red carpet for the Royal Variety Show at the Royal Albert Hall, where William even sweetly pointed out a step to Kate as they entered the venue to prevent her from tripping.

“Careful Kate babe, there’s a step there yah.”

“I’ve juggled walking down plane steps, carrying a chubby toddler, in heels, on three hours sleep and being distracted by Justin Trudeau waiting on the tarmac– I think I can manage this, hun.”

Both looking elegant, the couple got to meet and chat with those who took part in the show– that was, until Prince William had a small coughing fit.

“Bloody hell, get one an Amstel stat– one appears to have something go down the wrong way.”

Catherine joked that it was down to ‘too much singing along’ from William during the show.

“Probably just from singing along to Ed Sheeran or talking too much bollocks throughout the entire show.”

A joke that I’m sure went down well with William…

“Yeah, that’s the last time I point out a step to you, babes.”

The couple were also presented with gifts at the show, which they were all too grateful for.

“These are simply wonderful, darling– were the florists dumping out the old ones at the end of the week?”

And even William got a little something…

“Thank you so much, I’ll really enjoy reading this on the toilet on a Sunday morning.”

Meghan on Ellen

Yep, the transition from D-list actress to royal to Kardashian was fully underway last week when Meghan decided to hit up another useless chat host in the from of Ellen Degeneres.

“Just when you thought I couldn’t get any trashier.”

I didn’t watch the whole thing, because you all know my view on having to endure hearing Markle speak for anything more than three seconds, but I can only imagine it was an insightful discussion. I mean, they both have a lot in common, such as facing serious bullying allegations at work:

“And then they dared to accuse me of being a bully all because I threw a cup of tea at a royal aide.. crazy right!?”

“Totally, Meg. They did the same to me because I hit my stylist with a hairbrush. We’ve both had it rough.”

They’re both also wildly unfunny and desperate for attention, so there’s that too…

“It’s ok Meghan, I’ve got plans to make you look like a real prick, so they’ll all soon be laughing.”

But in keeping with the bullying theme, one thing they both clearly enjoy is humiliation– and Ellen gave it to Meghan in spades.

Meghan expressed her desire to do that weird Ellen segment where she’s hooked up with an earpiece and Ellen tells her what to do, like standing on her head or flashing her backside or something.

Actually– given what she made Meghan actually do, those items would’ve been preferable because boy did she make an arse out of her.

Firstly, she made some woman pretend to be Meghan’s ‘assistant’ and tell some folk with a market set up that Meghan was there and just wanted to ‘shop and be treated like a normal person’, whatever the hell that means.

Uhh yeah, last time I checked she was a living, breathing bag of organs like the rest of us.

Meghan then wanders over with Assistant Lady (and a bodyguard hovering somewhere in the background who looked oddly like a larger Harry) and approaches some poor cow selling cookies, only for Ellen to whisper some crap joke in her ear for Meghan to tell. I dunno, I didn’t get it– it was something about an elephant and a cookie jar?

She then asks Meghan to virtually inhale a cookie ‘like a chipmunk’. I–

What honestly possessed her? Besides Ellen, of course…

As if that wasn’t bad enough, she then gets Meghan to show the Cookie Lady ‘what she does to make her kids laugh’…

Apart from making a twat out of herself on the world stage, of course.

Meghan pulled a pair of cat ears out of her bag and in turn, makes Assistant Lady put on a pair of cat ears– leaving Cooking Lady wishing she hadn’t bothered to get out of bed that morning.

Can I please remind you that this woman holds a Royal Duchess title.

Meghan and Assistant Lady then beginning singing some weird cat chant, basically consisting of them ‘mewing’. Cookie Lady looks on the verge of suicide by this point.

Largely because when she pictured ‘British royalty’, she saw this…

Not this…

Honestly, I’ve never witnessed something so unfunny and supremely embarrassing in all my life.

Seriously, Meghan left the royal family to do this? Tacky daytime TV appearances and seeing how many cookies she can fit in her mouth?

But wait– it gets a whole lot worse (yeah, imagine that).

Meghan was also advised to shove a baby bottle in her mouth at some point– a notion I personally support if it keeps her quiet for a bit.

Jesus Christ.

And then… and I’m not sure why, as I didn’t see this part of the segment… she decides to squat in the street as though she’s taking a dump?

Does she need some Pepto Bismol or something?

Maybe it was some sort of weird dance move or perhaps she’s lactose intolerant and the milk and cookie blend disagreed with her stomach, but I haven’t got a scoobie what she’s trying to achieve here.

Quite frankly, the whole thing was a mess: Meghan then sits on Ellen’s sofa looking really proud of herself for some unknown reason, when really she’s just given us reason 3784783 as to why she should no longer hold a royal title.

“I’m making Wallis Simpson look like Queen Victoria right now.”

I must say, I hope she does something like this again because it was highly entertaining to watch her make a total tit of herself.

I mean, what next Meghan? Takeshi’s Castle? I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here? I hope it’s the latter as I know we’re all dying to see her eat a kangaroo bollock or two.

“Tastes just like the sushi I ate as a struggling actress!”

I look forward to whatever comes next.

In other mini news, there was a double christening last weekend for Lucas Tindall and August Brooksbank at Windsor Castle, with the Queen in attendance, which was good to see.

It also appears that during the royal tour Charles and Camilla took to Jordan, they even used the opportunity to scoop up some water from the River Jordan to take home for the christening– which sort of echoes of that one uncle you have who nicks the last bottle of whisky on his way out of your great aunt’s wake.

“Cammy, grab a bottle and make yourself useful, will you? We’ve got 12 empty bottles to fill and 20 minutes until our flight.”

Well that’s all for now, folks; I know there has been some massive explosion over a rather one-sided documentary that aired the other night on the BBC, leading to the Cambridges banning the BBC from reporting on a carol service next month that Catherine has organised.

But more on that next time. Until then, stay safe, stay warm, (if you’re in the US, I hope you had a very Happy Thanksgiving!) and we’ll catch up soon.