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Royal Round-Up: 14th September

Hello all and happy Monday!

Well, where do I start? Over the course of the last week or so, I kinda felt there wasn’t enough material to do a post for a while, but suddenly it was like someone stepped on a bomb and a load of shit has been thrown through the air.

So, let’s get stuck in– starting with the biggest news of the hour…

Harry and Meghan’s Netflix deal

Just when you thought they couldn’t embarrass the Royal Family any further, they go and do this shit.

So in their desperate bid to show that they can of course make their own money, Harry and Meghan have only gone and signed a (rumoured) $150 million deal with Netflix to produce their own documentaries for the famous streaming service– because apparently they didn’t think it was painful enough just hearing them speak in general.

What Netflix are paying them for, I don’t know; I’m really not sure what sort of documentaries they’re thinking of producing (or starring) in either… Maybe a spot of reality TV?

The Real Housewives of Windsor?

Meghan catches up with friends in LA.

The Only Way is Sussex?

Meghan prepares her route to the White House

Keeping up with the Mounbattens?

Harry and Meghan adjust to their new celebrity status in LA

The Sussex Life?

Prince Charles finally pulls the plug on their allowance

The list just goes on and on– although I did read that they were looking to produce some sort of show about Princess Diana’s life and family, which I’m sure will go down a treat with the Spencers.

They barely speak to Harry and William as it is and now Diana’s brother has to deal with his nephew selling out his late little sister to Netflix in an attempt to stay relevant? That one’s gonna go down like a Thai hooker at Althorp. I can just imagine Charles Spencer’s face:

“I’m not sure who that little ginger shit and his wife think they are, but rest assured, there’s plenty of space on the estate to have them both buried here as well.”

I also don’t know what has allowed Meghan to think she is qualified to produce documentaries on a woman she has never met, even if she is her ‘mother in law’ in some fashion or another.

I can just see Harry trying to speak about his mum, with Meghan jumping in like:

“Well, my mother was truly—“
”Yeah, let me handle this one babe, I think I know more about your mom than you do.”

And shock fucking horror– The Queen apparently wasn’t notified before Harry and Meghan signed this alleged deal with Netflix, because why would Harry go and tell his 94-year-old monarch of a grandmother that he and his stupid wife quite fancied a go on the ‘big screen’, rather than being active members of the royal family.

I can’t see Queen Liz being all like:

”Fucking wonderful news— I can’t wait to plonk down with a cuppa and watch the first episode of The Real Housewives of Windsor.”

In any case, with all that weird drama going on last week over some French pervert film which made its debut on the platform, and people calling for everyone to boycott Netflix, it doesn’t look like they’re about to get that $150 mil any time soon…

“But I put up with screwing that gutless moron for the last four years and now you’re going to tell me I’m NOT going to be on Netflix? After all I’ve been through?!”

Better luck next time, babes.

Harry pays off Frogmore

Or so he says, anyway– but who really trusts anything he has said since he married the biggest liar on Planet Earth.

So, according to a ‘spokesperson’ for the couple (fuck knows who that is as they appeared to have fired all their staff– probably Omid Scoobie Doo), Harry has now paid off the remaining cost of Frogmore Cottage, the money of which has now been apparently given back to the tax office.

Take note of the fact that there is no mention of Meghan putting her hand in her bloody pocket for this one

Firstly, the more I think about it, the less I am convinced that Harry has actually paid anything back at all. I mean, he and his wife walked out of the BRF six months ago and were on a payment plan to pay the £2million cost back in instalments (because they couldn’t possibly take this out in one go from the £30million they already have). So, where did the money come from?

One might guess that they used some sort of advance from Netflix in order to pay this off, because it is deeply suspicious how they couldn’t manage to afford it before but have suddenly pulled the cash from their arses.

“I hope you don’t mind Netflix yah, but one needs an advance to pay one’s nan back for living in her gaff for a bit.”

The other popular guess is that Charles finally had enough of his son’s whining and cleared the remaining debt himself– I mean, anything to see Ginge and Whinge finally fuck off for good.

“… what was I supposed to do— Harry wouldn’t stop sending me sad face emojis, yah.”

Or, the final guess that I saw one or two of my friends mention on Twitter, was that maybe Harry and Meghan had the money all along, but dragged their heels in the hope that The Queen and the public would be like:

“Keep the homes, renovations, royal security, private jets, cars, wipe the cost of that wedding we paid for and we’ll all just go fuck ourselves.”

Yeah, well… not fucking likely.

You’ve already fleeced us for enough shit over the last two and a half years and as far as I know, we’re still paying your security, so pay up or shut up.

Well, all I can say on the matter is that if Netflix have actually paid these two an advance, they are dumber than Harry and Meghan are. I guarantee that nothing they produce or ‘star in’ is going to generate very much money as most of the planet seem to despise them, save for a few nutters who have no lives to speak of.

I mean, people were already threatening to cancel their Netflix subscriptions due to the ‘Harry and Meghan takeover’– something I don’t think either of them were expecting.

“And we know you’re just as excited as we are for this new chapter in our lives.”
”Fuck off— we want our £7.99 a month back!”

If I were them, I’d hold onto whatever pennies they have to buy loo roll and pasta for the second COVID wave, because it doesn’t look like they’ll be making much over on any streaming platforms.

“Sorry Megs, I know it’s not daddy’s Duchy range, but it’s all we can bloody afford right now, yah.”

Archie joins Zoom chats

Another load of shite, but lets roll with it.

So according to another Sussex Suppository, which again is probably Scoobie Doo, Harry and Meghan’s tyke Archie, who has rarely been seen in public in the 18 months of his life, regularly “crashes the couple’s Zoom chats” when they are “working”.

Firstly:

Secondly:

Show of hands here who has EVER seen a photo or video footage of Ginger Jr crashing a Zoom chat while his parents are waffling garbage to strangers? Because they do about 50 a week in order to keep themselves relevant, so I’d have thought he’d have featured in at least one of these if it were true.

Unless of course they’ve just edited it out because Archie was in fact signalling for help, in the hopes that someone would rescue him and send him back to England.

“Hey! SOS! …oh SHIT, mum and dad are there again.”

So what is the point of this useless puff PR piece? To try and make it seem like Harry and Meghan are hands-on “working” parents, who just can’t keep their toddler out of the room while they work because it’s just soooo cute when he disturbs them?

Or is it because William and Kate made a similar remark during lockdown about Prince Louis trying to bust into the room while they did Zoom chats, so Madame Markle, who doesn’t have an original thought in her head, decided it would be a good anecdote to nick?

This one smells like one of Archie’s shitty nappies

Anything Catherine says, Meghan has to try and one-up– but this time via her mouthpiece, because saying anything directly would be just too obvious.

But in any case, I’m honestly surprised they even let Archie into the room for numerous reasons.

  1. I thought they didn’t like anyone clapping eyes on their dear little darling, seeing as they seem to sue anyone who so much as looks at him. as though he’s the Second Coming. Seriously, if you were on one of these Zoom chats he allegedly crashed, I’d lawyer up.
“Er no, you may not look at our unimportant, untitled, ordinary citizen child— who the fuck do you think you are?”

2. Don’t they have a full time nanny to keep him locked in a separate wing of the house, so that mummy and daddy can enjoy happy hour work Zoom chats without any disturbances?

“Oh Jesus, if he makes any more noise, just lock him in the pool house— we have triple glazing there.”

Until I see it, I can’t say I’ll believe it– although I’m surprised they haven’t released footage of this yet to garner more attention for themselves.

Lol jk I don’t give a shit

Meghan also joins a Zoom Chat

Well if Archie’s crashing any video calls, we can all guess where he learnt that one from.

So last week, Meghan apparently invited herself to joined a Zoom chat to mark her own anniversary of ‘working with’ Smartworks, who arranged items of clothing for unemployed women to wear to interviews, with as little assistance from Markle as possible– apart from that one time she came in while ‘pregnant’ to make sure that the cameras got a snap of her ‘bump’.

”No bitch, I’m obviously not here to pick out clothes for you— I just need to be photographed holding my stomach for the 739873 time this year.”

As usual, I didn’t watch any footage of this because as you know, I cannot stand the sound of her voice, nor do I think she has anything notable to say… And apparently neither does she, as she stole yet another quote from someone else so that everyone would salivate over her like she’s the fucking Dalai Lama or something:

The best accessory you can wear is some gaffer tape over your newly-plumped mouth

I can’t remember where I saw this on Twitter now, but just in case you were wondering, no, this is not a Markle original and has indeed been stolen from someone far more influential and less stupid.

Firstly, it does really intrigue me that Meghan is discussing ‘confidence in women’ here– because either she’s seriously been at the pies again or she’s having a shit tonne of face fillers and botox, which makes me think she’s not so confident in her own skin after all.

Pandemic or not, I’m more leaning toward the fact that this is plastic surgery, as her face seems to have suddenly blown up in the last five days with no prior warning. That and the fact she appears to really be struggling to move her fucking face at all

The third scenario outside of this, which I’m sure we’re all fervently hoping isn’t the case, is that she is “pregnant” again, or at least trying to craft the illusion that she is, at any rate.

But if she is, maybe this time someone can tell her that babies aren’t square shaped

I’ve gotta say, the more I think about this one, the more I’m convinced she isn’t. This chick is battling hard for world domination and another kid would only slow her down. Plus, there’s only so many times you can stuff a cushion up your jumper and get away with it.

“Shit Harry— either I just got my period or this fucking pillow is slipping out again.”

Also– Archie is the mealticket and bargaining tool here on out; she doesn’t need two children to hold Harry over a barrel when it comes to financial matters in the divorce. The seed has already been sown. So fear not, Megxiteers– it doesn’t look like we’ll be subjected to another year of stomach-holding any time soon.

Prince William hits up Belfast

And now onto a couple who are actually doing something noteworthy…

Prince William visited Belfast last week to mark Emergency Services Day (999), where he sat down and chatted with workers in the field to find out more about how they had been handling life and work during the pandemic and to discuss the importance of mental health, especially during these difficult times.

As The Duke of Cambridge previously served the Air Ambulance for a number of years, these are causes that I am sure are very close to his heart, and it is good to see the royals getting out and about again.

Also, I suspect now we’re out of lockdown and there’s a bit more freedom, William was really just looking for any excuse to bolt from the house, wife and kids for a few hours.

”I mean, that Kate’s a hottie, but what a moody bitch in the mornings, yah.”

William wanted to share his own experiences of lockdown and just how tough it had been for not just the common folk, but for the future King of England as well:

”I’m not going to lie to you, it was tough; we had to furlough most of the staff so we had to get by with just two nannies, four cooks and five cleaners. Catherine and I were exhausted.”

His Royal Highness even joined a rescue demonstration in the woods, where he got the opportunity to ask some very important questions.

”Any chance I can borrow the shovel for when the kids are a pain in the arse?”
”…Uh, no sir, sorry— I can’t condone that.”
”Noted. I think we have one in the shed anyway.”

And at the end of the demonstration, he was even handed a monogrammed jacket with ‘HRH’ emblazoned it by the Founder and Regional Commander, to which William was extremely grateful.

”Ah, massive thanks yah, but I don’t really fly helicopters anymore— I only did it back in the day to get laid.”

But after a long day in Belfast, it was time for the Duke to head home back to London and his family.

“Ah, you got me— I was only joking about Kate being a moody bitch.”
“Hahahahaha no but really, she’s a royal pain in the arse, please take her, I promise she makes a mean curry.”

Harry and Meghan have a fight

Well– we’ll take everything with a pinch of salt, but I’ll tip the whole fucking shaker in for this one, because it sounds hilarious if true.

So apparently, according to a few media outlets, Harry and Meghan had a bit of a ding dong at an LA restaurant a couple of weeks back, resulting in Harry storming out halfway through the meal.

If you read my last post, you’d have seen a photo of a particularly furious looking Harry sitting at a restaurant table, which I’m assuming is when said mud-slinging match took place.

Apparently the couple ‘had a loud argument’, where Harry got up and fucked off, leaving Meghan guzzling wine in the restaurant, seemingly not arsed that her husband had left– largely because Harry’s expiration date is probably approaching and she doesn’t give two flying shits about him anymore.

“Yeah go on, piss off— don’t forget who’ll still be a Duchess.”

But I mean really, he’s been following her around like a ball-less puppy for the last two years– what could they possibly be arguing about?

“Just shut your bitch mouth Meghan, yah— I know caviar and that wasn’t it.”

Or maybe Meghan was the one with a pole up her arse about something?

“You can’t even spell ‘caviar’ you donkey.”

Either way, I really hope this story is true, and I wouldn’t put it past them to argue in public Jerry Springer-style. I can only imagine the uproar if it had been William and Kate doing the same and airing their laundry in public:

“I TOLD YOU GEORGE WAS YOURS!
IIII 👏🏼 TOLDDD 👏🏼 YOUUUU 👏🏼!!”

Maybe Harry and Meghan should start a viewing platform where they just stream all their fights– it would probably make more money than their Netflix venture, at any rate.

“Take the last fucking naan bread again and watch me whoop yo ass!”

Well that’s all for now, my lovelies; to close this week, I have decided to pick my six favourite photos from The Duchess of Cambridge’s #HoldStill campaign, of which 100 photos have been released today. I thought this project was incredibly moving and gives us all a lot to reflect on for what has been a tumultuous year for us all.

Until next time…. 💋