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Royal round-up: 17th September

Hello hello and happy Friday!

Apologies for the two month break; work was busy, then it was my birthday (which I celebrated for about 2 weeks) and then I went on my first properly holiday for the first time in 2 years.

Greetings from Cannes!

I’m trying to get back into posting more frequently and while failing miserably at it for the most part, I promise I’m going to give it more effort!

So quite a lot has happened since I last posted, most of it contributing to the Sussex Shitshow— not wanting to miss a beat on this, no matter how long ago some of the items were, I’ve gotten stuck in below.

So let’s see….

Lilibet is added to line of succession and the Sussexes want to visit England

It only took two months

Yes, someone at Buckingham Palace finally woke up from their nap and decided it was about time to formally update the line of succession on the palace’s website back in August.

Bet Meghan has this printed and framed in the dining room

Firstly, I know she technically deserves a place as her father is a British Duke, but this all looks a little weird.

Her mother is American, she was born in the USA and her parents are no longer senior royals. On what grounds exactly does she need to be in the line of succession?

I know it’s not likely, but if God forbid the worst happened (to a lot of them) and Lili somehow ended up on the throne, can you imagine? How’s she gonna run that from California?

“Yah, Queen Lili speaking? Oh whatevs, just behead them – I’ve got Pilates in half an hour.”

That’s honestly like me being eligible to be President of the United States as a British citizen and to be honest, I feel like even that is more likely than either of the Sussex kids taking the throne, so why bother?

But of course, in true Sussex Squad fashion, despite claiming they don’t give a shit about titles, they were all squawking over Lili being added to the LOS like the BRF had announced she was taking the throne.

Yes, I’ve got some news for you…

It seems Meghan’s fans are as confused as she is, as they seem to have no problem accusing the Royal Family of being a bunch of racists who treated Meghan horribly, yet they are more than happy to accept any of the perks that have arisen as a result of Meghan ensnaring a total idiot.

In case they were all wondering where their morals, and braincells, were located

And what of the recent news that the Sussexes are planning to return to England to have Kid Number Two christened here? I’m sure the Queen would be delighted to offer up St. George’s Chapel in Windsor Castle to her grandson and his gold-digger after they dragged the entire family on the same day her late husband of 70+ years went into hospital for the final time.

“Fuck off— why don’t you ask Lambeth council, I’m sure there’s a town hall somewhere they can give you.”

I have asked myself multiple times why it is they feel so compelled to return here to Old Blighty, the country they both so hate, to have their baby christened into the Church of England. It’s a real humdinger, but I’ve come up with the following possibilities:

  1. Perhaps they’ve had a change of heart and decided that the UK is where they want to be after all; the Cathedrals, the family ties, the greenery….
“Harry, tell your grandmother the chapel still smells like a care home, yah— and where are those bloody air fresheners I requested for the wedding? Throw some of them around.”

No… I don’t think that’s it.

2. Or maybe they’ve realised that a vast majority of America is sick of them too and short of emigrating to the Far East, they’ve got no option but to return to England.

“Well it’s either back to England or it’s Eritrea, Harry… we’ve pissed off everyone else but at least you’re British and I don’t think they’ve watched the Oprah interview in Africa.”

Somehow, I don’t think the penny on that one has dropped yet.

3. Or… could it be that Meghan is deluded enough to think either one of her kids may ever sit on the
throne and knows they will need to be christened into the Church of England to do so? I wouldn’t
put it past her.

“I know she’s eight people back and not even a Princess, but we have to prepare for every eventuality!”

Yeah, I think that’s more likely to be it.

Well Meghan dearest, I hate to break it to you, but Lili will never be Queen– so I’d recommend saving yourself the air fare and buying yourself yet another bullshit humanitarian award instead.

Meghan turns 40

Well… allegedly.

Yes, sometime in early August, Markle turned the big 4-0 and instead of just crying into her cornflakes and proceeding to get shitfaced with her friends in a downtown bar like most normal people, she felt she would perhaps seem classier and more mature by sipping some matcha tea crap out of fake china and gassing with Melissa McCarthy on Zoom.

Judging by her grin, there’s a few drops of vodka in there as well.

Firstly– McCarthy:

What in the fresh hell is this?

Why is she dressed like that? Meghan is not even English, nor does she represent the monarchy any more, so Melissa can take off the hat and gloves and shove her cup of tea up her arse.

I know I sound a little harsh, but I felt that it was making a huge mockery of our Queen and country and Meghan was laughing along with it.

I expected this from Meghan, but not you Melissa

Lastly, what was with Harry’s walk-on part juggling outside of the window? We all know he’s a serious clown these days but has he really been relegated the part of Court Jester in his own life, while his wife plays at being The Queen?

What a prick

Meghan, who appears to be putting less and less effort into her ‘adoring’ glances at Harry these days now the second mealticket kid has arrived, did at least make a half-arsed attempt at pretending she found his antics comical– though I suspect her 40th birthday gift to herself of botox and fillers did prohibit her from moving her face a bit anyway:

“Omg you’re so funny babes!”
“Ok, stop now – joke’s over.”

I’m also not sure what Melissa was laughing at considering Meghan’s laptop lid was aimed entirely at Meghan meaning Melissa couldn’t have seen Harry at all, unless she’d stuck her head through the screen and turned it about 90 degrees to the left– kinda like when you run over a deer and they’re still stuck in the windshield.

“lol OMG so funny Harry.”

But all that crap aside, we then had to listen to Meghan Motormouth play Mother Theresa on us by claiming that all she really wanted for her birthday was for people to pay heed to her ‘new’ 40 x 40 challenge– which meant asking everyone to spend 40 minutes helping somebody else to ‘change their lives’ or some shit.

Firstly, you can’t change anyone’s life in 40 minutes– unless you saved them from a burning wreckage or caught them as they fell off a 20-foot ladder. But most people don’t encounter that on a daily basis.

But secondly, who the fuck is Meghan to endlessly preach compassion and kindness when she can’t even manage it on her own?

She’s sat there all like:

“If we all just exercise some compassion and humility, the world would be a much better place.”
Absolutely Meg – and when was the last time you spent even 40 seconds on your dad, unless it was to take legal action?

Also– like everything else she has ever come out with, this was massively plaigarised. Did Meghan not think that anyone else had heard of a little-known man named Nelson Mandela who has had exactly the same thing organised in his name some 12 years before Markle did?

“Try again, bitch.”

By all accounts, it appears this has flopped; like most items, celebrities will jump on something if they see a ‘royal’s’ name attached to it, but after a while and with no traction, they lose interest and find some other cause to back for all of 10 minutes.

There were people who offered their support, but perhaps most finally realised that Meghan didn’t know the meaning of ‘help’ or ‘compassion’ and didn’t want to associate themselves with this dead-end ‘movement’.

Hollywood A-listers literally fleeing

But the funniest event (or lack thereof for Meghan) of this all was her failure to be invited to Barack Obama’s 60th birthday– something we know definitely would’ve upset her as she’s:

a) a democrat

b) obsessed with getting the Obama’s approval and friendship

“That’s so weird Harry yah— I invited him to chat about this weeks ago. Maybe he’s having technical difficulties… Obama?”
“Oh, HELL no. Michelle — turn off the WiFi!”

The second laugh-fest came when the Sussex PR team put out a story saying that Harry and Meghan were ‘too busy’ to attend his birthday anyway, implying that they had actually received an invite.

Listen Megs– we all know you didn’t. You’d turn up to the opening of an envelope if enough celebrities were in attendance and I firmly believe she’d have sold her firstborn to attend Obama’s birthday bash, so she can cut the shit.

“We were actually otherwise engaged with dinner at Jennifer Aniston’s house.”
August 4th 2021: “Barack? It’s Meg. Did you not hear the doorbell?”

Whether you’re a Democrat or Republican, I do think some credit needs to be given to the Obamas here for being smart enough to completely snub the limpet and her puppet. Good going guys!

“Did you see her yanking the handle on the back door to get in?!

Return of the Cambridges

So after a two month break to enjoy the summer with the kids, The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge returned to royal engagements this week, with Catherine visiting RAF Brize Norton in Oxfordshire to hear more about their rescue efforts in Afghanistan.

“That all sounds super rough, yah— we read about it in the newspaper our butler brought us whilst we had breakfast in our villa in Sicily.”

The Duchess was all smiles as she returned to her duties, clearly in her element chatting away about the brave work that had been undertaken. She even got to head aboard the ginormous aircraft and have a look around inside:

“Simply extraordinary. Next time you make a run over to Afghanistan, could you drop Harry and Meghan off there too?”

Meanwhile, William visited the emergency services for 999 Day and got to talk with some of the families who have been helped by them during the pandemic and hear their stories.

“You’re all truly amazing – dealing with life and death every day. Oh, and thank you for coming out to the palace that time I had a dodgy Chinese, yah— I really owe you.”

William looked happy, relaxed (and tanned!) as he returned to official duty.

The Duke also attended the Who Cares Wins Awards for the NHS late last week, where we saw him don a tux for the first time in quite a while and enjoy himself amongst the other guests.

“I’m not entirely sure why I cut my holiday short to stand next to this wally, but I will claim compensation.”

The award show will air on Sunday at 7:30pm in the U.K., despite taking place in Camden last week.

“Right chaps, one is still in holiday mode and it is an award show after all – do point one in the direction of the bar!”
“Would you mind awfully swiping some champagne from the National Lottery bar? When I asked for a drink, I didn’t mean the kind fish piss in.”

We also got some rare paparazzi shots of Catherine, George and Charlotte in a Smiggle on King’s Road here in London after school one day, picking up some bits and pieces – with Kate looking on somewhat wearily as her children shopped.

“Fucking hell, is it too early for a gin and tonic?”

I also read that Catherine gives the children an allowance and they use this to buy what they need in terms of stationary and accessories in order to teach them money management.

“Here Lottie — stuff this in your pocket while mum makes eyes at the young cashier. We’ve got a whole lifetime of NOT paying for shit, so may as well start now.”

All jokes aside, it was good to see them all back on the scene and for the adults, back on duty.

“Right kids— let’s get out of here before we catch something worse than COVID.”

Looking forward to seeing more of them in the coming weeks!

Meghan and Harry take the cover of Time Magazine

There are so many words for this that there are basically none.

Can the person who decided to put these two grifters on the front cover please turn themselves in to their local police station for crimes against humanity, because this is a complete abomination.

Firstly, there’s the cover itself:

Oh boy.

Why, oh why, is Harry forced to sit BEHIND wifey while she pushes herself forward to take centre stage? Fucking hell, even her HAIR has more presence than her husband.

Harry is quite literally hanging off her (his face suggesting something sharp and pointy has gone up his arse) while Meghan wears a faraway expression– something of a cross between the Virgin Mary and wondering how much money she will make from this.

Secondly, who decided these two were influential in any way at all, unless it was in leading lessons to dump your family and abuse elderly relatives? Correct me if I’m wrong, but they’ve been back in the USA for almost 2 years now and I’ve yet to see them do ANY sort of work.

“Fighting with the Mail Online and verbally abusing your husband’s grandma is work, thank you very much.”

They’ve announced a bunch of deals with various companies that have yet to come to fruition (and likely never will), sat down with Oprah to moan a bit about their families and…. that was it. In two years.

Influential?

But wait… the photos get worse.

There is then the other shot of them skipping through a park or some shit while holding hands and while Meghan probably sweats to death in a thick coat in the middle of summer.

There’s less airbrushing going on within the Kardashian IG pages

My first thought looking at Meghan, apart from how hot and itchy her outwear must be, was how much she is desperate to look like Victoria Beckham and lo and bloody behold, who is she wearing?

My second thought was… Harry’s hair.

Either he’s had a hair transplant or somebody’s been at the Paint Shop Pro. My money’s on the latter.

Sussex Squad do like to get defensive when they make fun of Prince William and you point out that Harry is also losing his hair, but clearly he must be, as Time mag felt the need to photoshop some back on.

The Time offices – clearly thinking they’d gotten away with it

Myself and many others have noticed this so it can’t be that we’re imagining it– someone else please confirm, for my sanity, that Harry usually does NOT have that much hair on the back of his head.

Yeah – I call bullshit, Sussex.

And while I tried to figure out where this extra ginger fluff came from, I also thought ‘Christ, give me strength’ when I spotted the faux ‘I love this man so much’ expression was back from MegaNut– but as I say, with less ferocity.

She’s actually starting to look slightly irritated now

Let’s face it, poor old Meghan had to act her arse off for the last five years; a year before the engagement ring was on, another year before the wedding ring, another year for the first baby and another two years before the second.

“It’s taken several Xanax prescriptions and about $20,000 worth of Botox and fillers to look this serene.”

Now her alimony is firmly secured in the shape of two kids, that mask, much like the COVID ones you hurriedly throw in the bin after getting off the hot and sweaty London underground in the summer, has begun to slip. MASSIVELY.

Where she used to gaze at him the way a plump kid looks at cake, she now appears to be shooting more of a cursory glance at him as though he’s now a mere afterthought, rather than the centre of her universe.

It’s almost as if she was more in love with what marrying you would bring her as opposed to actually marrying you.

This is most clear in the last of the photos from this horrific shoot, where Meghan once again takes centrestage, while Harry stands looking awkward next to her. It almost looks like a poster for a police drama where Meghan is the lead detective and Harry is just the side bitch on the case.

The new series of Line of Duty – coming to your screens 1st October on BBC1.

I’ve suspected for a number of years that Meghan has a real issue with closing her legs, but must she stand with them that far apart? I imagine she was going for the ‘power stance’ but instead I felt more concerned that she may have torn the stitches open from when Lili was born.

And again– why is she upfront and centre while Harry is chucked to the side? If there was ever a sign that Harry is now a supporting actor in his own life while Meghan is the leading actress, this would be it.

Dude, had the penny really not dropped at all over the last five years?

Unless you’re blind, it should be obvious how lost Harry looks by now– so much so that I almost feel sorry for him (almost, but not quite). His eyes are dead and soulless and his wife doesn’t appear to give a toss, so as long as she’s kept in fake awards and recognitions.

“Meghan yah, I’m not actually sure I’m entirely happy with this Californian lifestyle and being cut off from my family.”
“Yah whatever, I’ll book you an appointment with my therapist – can you just stand a little closer to me so my hips don’t look as wide?”

In other news, it was apparently his birthday this week, but who actually cares. Happy birthday I guess.

Well that’s it for this week– I’m sure there’ll be more to report on in the coming days as the shit storm brews and I can’t wait to have more to laugh at!

On a final note, massive congratulations to James Middleton and Alizee Thevenet who tied the knot this weekend in the South of France.

Until next time, take it easy and have a lovely weekend!