Blog Posts

Royal round up: 16th October

Hello hello everyone! And welcome back to a new royal round up!

Back from Stockholm and seeing how much shit has gone down in my absence, I am raring to go!

💛💙

So without further ago, let’s get stuck in to some of the shit-nanigans…

Harry and Meghan have a new photo

So this one came out just as I was doing the last royal round-up, but I had already tied up the post and it was going to be manic to add this one in but….

What on earth is going on with this photo?!

Good Lord.

Firstly… Meghan’s second name here could be ‘Kardashian’. Just what on earth is with this pose and look?

Harry has a bad case of trapped wind apparently

Secondly… the lighting is super shit and I thought Harry was wearing a biker jacket with leather sleeves which confused me for a minute.

Legit thought he had left the royal family and joined Guns N Roses

And surprise surprise… Madam has pushed herself to the front of the photo AGAIN, while Harry is left standing a bit behind her like her lady in waiting. I swear, this dude is starting to look more and more like some sort of accessory alongside Meghan, like a handbag or one of those hideous gloves she carts about.

“These days, I am proud to announce that I identify as a Birkin.”

Am I also the only person that thinks this is super strange?

I mean– they were at a summit for One Young World, a movement that has absolutely nothing to do with them, yet they were posing for photographs like it was their event?

The article by Vogue on this was particularly nauseating, with a painful description of something we can already see. They write:

“In one, the couple looks straight at the camera–“

What– Meghan? Look directly at a camera?

Before continuing: “–whereas in the second, Harriman captures them in profile. The Duchess is wearing a fire-red bow blouse and tailored pants from eco-conscious brand Another Tomorrow, while the Duke wears a blue suit. 

I feel like this should’ve been the cover for Finding Freedom, but the title should instead be “Finding The Photographers” as Meghan is pretty adept at this by now

I also love how Meghan’s outfit is described in great detail, whereas Harry’s is summed up in two words, which makes me think Meghan gave them the wording. I can see see her all like:

“Just write: ‘The Duchess of Sussex graced the stage with her presence on that fine evening in Manchester, Northern England– adorned in lush red fabric, her luscious locks scraped back into a chic ponytail– on her feet, diamond shoes, she swept onto the stage like a goddess.‘…”
“Oh, yah… just put “and Meghan’s husband was there too, wearing a blue suit and black shoes.”

Also– I am suffering serious secondhand embarrassment looking at these; and judging by Harry’s expression in all of these ‘portrait’ photos, he’s not really down with doing this either.

It’s Meghan leading every time, while Harry sits or stands about looking awkward and like he doesn’t really enjoy being there.

He honestly always looks like he’s lining up to have an enema

I’m also not sure where the following came from, but Vogue threw in some ‘tribute’ Harry made to his late grandmother The Queen (pretending he really gave a shit), which seriously confused me…

Granny, while this final parting brings us great sadness, I am forever grateful for all of our first meetings – from my earliest childhood memories with you, to meeting you for the first time as my Commander-in-Chief, to the first moment you met my darling wife and hugged your beloved great-grandchildren,” Harry wrote in a public statement about his grandmother. “I cherish these times shared with you, and the many other special moments in between. You are already sorely missed, not just by us, but by the world over.

The fuck?

Oh seriously?

This is such a load of baloney. You didn’t cherish shit, mate; you put your grandmother through so much stress over the last few years, refused to see her several times when visiting England to stand her up for yet another photo op and then you have the audacity to try and use her name to garner yet more attention for yourself?

And of course, no paragraph written by Harry would be complete without a mention of ‘mY wIfE’– as Harry is incapable of uttering even one sentence without mentioning her.

I can just see her standing behind him while he writes it like:

“That’s really beautifully written babes, but… I don’t see my name in there anywhere?? Must be an oversight on your part. Don’t worry, there’s still time to correct it before publication.”

But eventually Harry was let out of his box to speak via Zoom with some WellChild Award winners (like they haven’t suffered enough).

And it really didn’t take long before Harry demonstrated the skills he had picked up from his wife by managing to make every conversation about himself.

Quoting Hello Magazine on the video call:

The Duke of Sussex chatted to the winners of this year’s WellChild Awards about family life in America with his children and dogs and appeared visibly moved when told his late mother Diana, Princess of Wales, would have been so proud of him.

Oh, what a load of bollocks.

Firstly– most people have children and dogs. Nobody gives a shit about yours.

Secondly, why do people keep claiming to know what Diana would have felt or thought about something? Would she be proud that her youngest son married a non entity from LA, destroyed his relationship with his father and brother, abandoned his niece and nephews and now lives in California with his gold-digging wife, making money by dragging his relatives in England?

Now a mind-reader I am not and I’m not going to claim to know what Diana would’ve said, but…. I feel like most mothers in this situation, she’d have been waiting behind the doors of Kensington Palace with a frying pan for Meghan’s first visit.

“Not today, you two-bit tramp. Off you fuck back to America.”

One of the winners, for some reason (but he’s a kid so we’ll let him off), opened a big can of worms by asking Harry about his favourite subject– his family.

Henry asked him: “How are Archie and Lilibet doing?”

Harry told him: “They’re doing great…Archie is very, very busy. And Lily is learning to use her voice, which is great.”

Your 3 year old is ‘very very busy’ doing what exactly? Attending corporate meetings? Running the country? Shitting on his potty, perhaps? Stupid statement from him.

Glad to hear Lili is learning to use her voice though. Hopefully it will be to tell her parents where to go.

—Lilibet Mountbatten-Windsor chats to her parents, October 2022

In any case, the rest of the conversation was entirely comprised of Harry asking the kids something, them responding and Harry somehow managing to bring his wife and children into every answer.

That’s quite enough of that shit, thanks

But we’re not done with Harry yet…

Harry’s memoir may not get published

Yeah, and I’m Henry VIII’s left bollock

So some former journo chick from Tatler seems to believe that Harry’s memoir will ‘never see the light of day’ because if it did, there would be ‘no way back into royal life for him’.

That ship already sailed about two years ago

Seriously, does she think there’s a way back for him currently even without the memoir? He’s already shat spectacularly all over his family– what else could he really say that would force him out of the fold even further?

“Well, as my wise wife always says— when you run out of fodder for sympathy, simply start making shit up. So I’ll be writing all about how Camilla threw an empty tequila bottle at Meghan during Archie’s christening and the time my grandmother beat me with the royal sceptre for getting detention at school. If it sells, it doesn’t matter if it’s a load of shite.”

I really think a lot of journalists underestimate how little Harry and Meghan give a flying fuck at this stage. If they didn’t care enough not to drag the family on Oprah the day Prince Philip was admitted to hospital, why would they stop now? Do you think they’re going to let a small thing like The Queen dying get in the way of a chance to make money?

“Haz babes, I know your grandmother died and all, but it’s been a month already – how long do you think you need to to get over it and start dragging the family for cash again? That 14-bedroom Bel-Air mansion I saw last week won’t pay for itself.”

On top of that as well, I don’t think Harry feels he needs a way back to England and the family– a grave error in judgement if ever there was one.

I really think Harry believes his marriage is a ‘forever’ thing and that he and Meggy are going to live happily ever after— when in reality, she’s probably eyeing up her next prize as we speak.

“That’s ok, I’ll have this one when you’re done Serena.”

Harry dear, I have news for you: your marriage is going to be in the toilet within the next 2 years, so you’ve made a huge error burning all your bridges with your family. Your wife isn’t the type to live this ‘little house on the prairie’ existence for the rest of her life — she marries for loot, not love.

“Don’t get me wrong, ‘royal prince’ has a ring to it yah— but since we lost the use of our HRH titles, Harry’s also kinda lost his allure. Without the HRH, he may as well be the local butcher.”

I have to say though, I really hope the memoir does get published in its original form, because then their kids will definitely not be getting any titles. I can’t see King Charles handing out royal styles once he reads that one.

“Get a load of this, Cam— he’s even called me a ‘royal agricultural arsehole’. Well he can kiss my agricultural arsehole if he thinks I’m giving his brats shit all now.”

Surely that would be the final nail in the coffin? Unless Charles has already signed something to confirm Ginger Kid 1 and Ginger Kid 2 are getting titles, which would mean Harry and Meghan now feel they have carte blanche to continue shitting on the family.

Either that or they really are that stupid and haven’t thought this all the way through. I just can’t see Meghan wanting to scupper her chances of getting her kids titles now that they’re technically eligible.

“It’s ok Meghan yah, they don’t really need the titles. Let’s just let them be normal.”

“‘Normal’? Over my dead fucking body. Call your dad now.

In any case, please do push on ahead Hazza and Megs– I can’t wait to see you both turfed out on your arses for good.

Will and Kate in Northern Ireland

Time now for the weekly palette cleanser– and this one comes in the form of The Prince and Princess of Wales’s visit to Northern Ireland!

“Sorry we’re late – a new Wetherspoons has just opened up around the corner and Wills and I were dying for a pint.”

Arriving in Northern Ireland last week, William and Catherine were greeted by the adoring crowds as they arrived for a full day of engagements.

“You really waited in the cold all night just to meet us? How quaint. Do you not have jobs in Northern Ireland?”

All adoring— apart from one woman who heckled The Princess for some reason or another. She was reported to have said:

Ireland belongs to the Irish. Nice to meet you but it would be better if it was when you were in your own country

Some fat cow in Carrickfergus

Well, firstly.. you’re in Northern Ireland love, and that belongs to the United Kingdom, which is part of the Commonwealth and therefore under British rule. Might wanna read a history book once in a while.

Secondly– princess or not, if I was Kate, I’d have fucking killed her. She kept smiling like:

“Well that’s your opinion and that’s okay!”

But inside she must have been all:

“…I’ll just have your fucking head chopped off when I’m Queen consort.”

If said heckler is reading this, have a word with yourself: they were visiting a suicide prevention charity and all your xenophobic arse could do was worry about the English being in Ireland.

Should also remind you that William and Catherine are your future King and Queen Consort, so whether they were born in Ireland or not, they’ll be ruling over you one day.

“Wills, are you actually going to get off your arse and do something about this?”

“Don’t worry Kate babes— the letters patent to have her beheaded have already been approved by dad, yah. The army will be here any second.”

But moving on to the actual engagement and the reason they were there, The Prince and Princess were visiting PIPS in North Belfast, where they met workers of the charity who work hard every day to prevent cases of suicide and self-harm.

“So you help prevent actual cases of self harm and not just the made up ones from people like my sister in law?”

The two helped prepare some food packages along with charity volunteers also, to help provide nutritious snacks to those who are struggling.

“I know this is supposed to be healthy yah, but it really does look like something that has come out of me after Wills and I hit the Chardonnay and madras curry a little too hard the night before.“

And when Kate started holding babies, Prince William got her out of there pretty sharpish.

“Oh I just love babies and Wills and I would simply adore a fourth!”

“Speak for yourself babe— I think I’d adore a vasectomy a little more. Put him down and let’s get the fuck out of here.”

After this, it was off to a food and retail market, where William and Kate got a chance to try their hand at cocktail making– something they both really seemed to enjoy.

“Right— time to get royally fucked up. I was wondering when we were going to move onto the alcohol part of the engagement.”
“So it’s Moët, Patron, Tanqueray… fuck it, chuck me some of that Grey Goose as well and I’ll show you how we do it in the palace.”

The two competed against each other to mix their own drinks, with the winner being announced at the end. It was said that Catherine mixed gin and sherry into hers– quite a lethal mix.

“Wills will absolutely love this one— it’ll give him a sense of nostalgia— fruity tones of getting beyond paralytic at St. Andrews.”

However, it was The Prince of Wales who was declared the winner as he clinked glasses with his wife– having made the more delicious cocktail.

“Enjoy Wills darling! Hopefully this will take you back to our university days!”
“Fucking hell Kate, yah — the only place this is taking me is the ICU.”

Overall, a successful trip to NI (bar one idiot) and I’m glad (most) people made them feel welcome.

Charles wants a scaled down coronation

So before the official date was announced, there were a few articles floating around about King Charles wanting a ‘scaled down’ and ‘smaller’ coronation than the one his mother had in 1953.

Instead of being three hours like his mum’s, it will be brought down to just 1 hour– with the guestlist much shorter than the 8,000-strong one for QEII.

“Let me just strike off Andrew, Fergie, Harry and Meghan to free up some space— I’ll be real quick.”

“Charles, put the bloody pen down.”

The presentation of golden objects to the new monarch, as it has been historically, will likely not occur in such lengthy fashion as it has been previously, in order to keep it to the 1-hour time limit.

“‘Ere, let’s keep this one quick and short, geezers; whack the crown on, tell everyone I’m King— Bob’s yer uncle, Fanny’s yer aunt and let’s all fuck off down the pub for a pint and a roast.”

It is also reported that William, Prince of Wales (as the now heir apparent to the thone) could be playing a rather large role in the coronation– which is hardly surprising.

“Fear not, Great Britain— for I will be undertaking bouncer duties at Westminster Abbey for the coronation. It’s £5 entry, wristbands on the door and half price cocktails before 9pm. No trainers allowed.”

Seriously though, I think it’s nice that Charles wanted a smaller affair. As much as I do like the Royal Family, I do think coronations are somewhat pointless and in a time when the UK’s citizens are struggling to stay afloat, the other the top pageantry wouldn’t go down too well.

“Well we actually did want a more glam affair yah, but apparently there are these things called ‘bills’ that people have to pay, so they can’t afford the extra money for my coronation. How absurd.”

And now, it has been announced that the coronation will take place on 6th May next year– which just happens to be Archie Mountbatten-Windsor’s birthday. Well played, Your Maj–well played.

“Brilliant Charles m’boy— that’ll show Has-no-balls and Migraine.”

In any case, I’m sure it will still be an extravagant affair (even if the palace are being tight and are doing it on a Saturday so we don’t get a bank holiday)– but I won’t complain!

Meghan is “crazy” and “hysterical”

Yep, Maniac Markle has pulled yet another podcast out of her arse (because resisting the temptation to talk about herself for 90 minutes is just too difficult) and gone on another whinefest about how women are treated– as though she’s some big feminist.

“I mean, the only woman I obviously give a shit about is myself, but humour me for a minute… what? who? …oh yeah, my mum and Lilibet are ok too, but back to me please.”

No Meghan podcast is complete without her making herself the center of attention and this one is no exception. Meghan goes on to say:

I’ve been called ‘insane,’ ‘hysterical’ and ‘crazy’

A woman who is insane, hysterical and crazy

I mean… that’s because you are, hun.

The New York Post goes on to say “Markle did not elaborate on who allegedly called her these words or give examples nor did she clarify if she was merely speaking about public perception.”

I mean– hardly a surprise. Wouldn’t be the first time Markle has said something without being able to cite a credible source or back up her claims.

Although admittedly I’ve called her that and far worse, so she can quote me if she wants

The next bit gave me quite a laugh though:

The mother of two also explained how the word “crazy” is shamelessly “thrown around so casually” and spoke of the “damage it’s wrought on society and women, frankly everywhere.”
“From relationships to families being shattered, reputations destroyed and careers ruined,” Markle said.

Is she having a laugh?

NYP have gotta be taking the piss here– I mean… ‘relationships and families being destroyed’?

This bitch got a Masters in ruining families

Destroying reputations?

Yes you do, Meg

Careers ruined? Well, certainly not her own. She’d have to get one first.

Sure you will hun

She then really bizarrely started taking aim at a bunch of TV shows who have ever used the word ‘crazy’ in regards to a woman, like anyone gives a shit.

She called out ‘How I Met Your Mother’ and ‘Scrubs’ on episodes that aired about 5000 years ago, which less proved to me that there is a feminist issue within them and only really proved to me that Meghan Markle has far too much time on her hands and needs to get a job.

“No, not now Archie — you’ll have to make your own lunch. Mummy’s too busy trying to find things on the internet to complain about for her next podcast.”

The New York Post then went on to write:

She also admitted how — at her “worst point” — her husband, Prince Harry, found her a therapist. “[You have to] be really honest about what it is that you need and to not be afraid to make peace with that to ask for it,” Markle noted.

Eh?

Errrr–

I thought the ENTIRE premise of their Oprah interview was Meghan’s poor mental health and that Harry didn’t get Meghan help at her lowest point living in the UK because he was ‘too embarrassed’ or something.

The actual Oprah segment from 2021 went as follows:

In the joint Oprah interview, Harry admitted that although he was “terrified” after Meghan told him about her suicidal ideation, he said he didn’t go to anyone for assistance. Oprah asked, “Did you tell other people in the family, ‘I have to get help for her, we need help for her’?” He replied, “No. That’s just not a conversation that would be had. … I guess I was ashamed of admitting it to them.”

The Duke of Bullshit

Sooo… which one was it? Either he got her help or he didn’t. Because yet again from the Sussexes, we are being fed two tandem stories that totally contradict each other.

I often wonder how these scheming conversations go between the two of them at home…

“So babes, then you tell them that you got me a therapist in England to work through my woes— you know, to make you look like the supportive husband.”

“…but Meg, we already told them that I didn’t get you any help in the Oprah interview. We can’t change the story now.”
“I couldn’t give a flying fuck Harry, just do it. Oprah was last year— no one will remember anyway.”

“But I really think—“

“Do it before I tell them you pushed me down the stairs. I’m not fucking around here.”

But after labouring the point that she is rEaLlY nOt CrAzY, Meghan tailed off by leaving us with this tidbit (of crap):

Elsewhere in the episode, Markle described the word “hysteria” in terms of its Greek meaning and origin.
“The word hysterical comes from hysteria, which is — wait for it — the Greek word for ‘womb,’” the Los Angeles native added.
She said: “Plato himself was actually amongst the Greek philosophers, who believed that the womb would travel around the body adding pressure to other organs, which would then lead to erratic and unreliable behavior.”

Ok then.

Seriously– is she drinking during these podcasts?

She claims to be a feminist but then blames our reproductive organs for her issues– what?

Honey– you are crazy as you can’t stop the narcissistic drivel that comes out of your mouth on a weekly basis, even when you’ve been caught out in several lies. Just shut up and take your stupid vanity project podcast off the air– you’d be doing us all a favour.

Yes… truly the face of sanity.

Well that’s about all I have the energy for this week guys — I’ll be back by next weekend with another instalment as I’m sure there’ll be lots going on during the week.

Until then— stay safe, be good and I’ll see you next time!