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Royal Round-Up: 10th January 2021

Hello hello and Happy New Year– if we can still say that 10 days in!

Hope you’re all having a great start to 2021!

Well true to form in Royal World, a lot of shit has gone down in just the first week of the year alone. I mean, at one point a few days in, I was worried I had nothing to write about and now I’m inundated! Such is life.

Anyway, as there’s quite a bit to get through, let’s dive on in…

Meghan and Harry’s Podcast

As this rather vacuous couple still seems to think they are God’s gift to the Earth, they decided to bestow upon us a little ‘New Year’s gift’ in the form of a pointless podcast they unfortunately promised us.

Now, I don’t need to tell you my party line: I literally never listen to anything they put out there and prefer to read transcripts because Meghan’s voice makes me want to shut my head in the fridge door, but I did listen to an excerpt and it was probably the worst thing I’ve ever listened to in my life.

First of all, why is it that every time Meghan speaks, I feel like I’m on the sofa of a patronising therapist somewhere in LA?

I feel like you should fuck off and stop making my ears bleed

This over-the-top, trying to sound really ‘calm and soothing’ tone is quite frankly raising my blood pressure instead because it’s so bloody irritating.

And secondly, I have never heard anything so unbelievably fake in my life as Meghan’s voice talking about ‘love always winning’.

Yeah — tell that to your dad, love

Firstly, Harry sounds like he has been drugged into some seriously catatonic state, baa-ing “looove allllways wiiiins” like a countryside sheep.

Secondly, with the way Meghan responded with her girly, cheerleader voice with “so true!”, I had to check I wasn’t listening to a parody.

At least ATTEMPT to sound genuine honey— I thought you were an actress?!

I love how she also sounds like she’s fondly recalling her wedding day with her little giggle in regards to the music, like she wasn’t more pre-occupied with the fact she got to wear a tiara and thousands of people were lining the streets to give her the big moment she had always wanted.

Or the moment when you realised you were set for life – either one will do

Also, you can tell by her tone she was low-key pissed off that Harry was humming while she was trying to talk.

“It was the song we wanted playing when — Harry, shut the fuck up, or so help me, I will shove this microphone up your ass.”

I mean, if this is a taster palette of the abject shit that is to come, I’d rather starve. I cannot believe how insincere, self-absorbed and nauseating this is.

They also apparently had guests on the show, but you probably missed this because they spent 29 minutes of a 30 minute podcast talking about themselves, their lives, their wedding, their marriage and their bowel movements.

And just when you thought they couldn’t get any worse, they trotted out PR pony son Archie to wish listeners (all three of them, anyway) a ‘happy new year’.

Personally if I were Archie, I’d have used the opportunity to scream for help and a rescue team, but he’ll get another chance I guess

I won’t go in on the child, because he is just that – a child, and his voice was very cute, but really, I feel so sorry for the poor boy. It seems mummy and daddy only trot him out when they want some sort of positive PR. I mean, holding their toddler up as a human shield against bad publicity is probably about as low as it gets.

I can imagine Harry and Meghan just sitting at their fancy marble kitchen island in Santa Barbara like:

“People just don’t like us babes, what do we do?”
“Let’s just trot out Adrian, yah— I’m sure it will work.”
“His name is Archie, you ballsack.”
“Oops — better get that one right before the podcast, eh!”

Anyway, I’m not giving any more airtime to this and something tells me that I’ll have to transcribe (and eventually be forced to listen to) more of these horrific segments for future blog posts, so I’ll leave it there for now and spare you all too.

Harry is “feeling like his old self” in California

I, for one, am very pleased to hear that the spoilt, entitled little Prince is enjoying the life his wife has set up for him in California. Lord knows, he had it so bad over here – what with the all the taxpayer money, security, stately homes and luxury holidays.

“It was all babes, booze and banquets… just utterly horrific, yah.”

I’m not sure what Harry’s ‘old self’ is (and quite frankly, I don’t think he does either), but his desperate need to keep convincing us that he’s having ‘just the best time ever’ away from his motherland makes me feel like he’s trying to convince himself rather than us.

Real talk for a second, but seriously, how well could he have adapted to a life that is about a million miles away from what he has always known? He is a British Prince for fuck’s sake– he has always led an incredibly sheltered, guarded upbringing with very little skills to survive in the real world.

I mean, I’d be surprised if he even knew how to fill up the petrol tank on his own car.

“Sir, you just put it in, pump it a few times and then it should come out of the nozzle.”
”…that’s what Meghan says to me once a week on a Friday night.”

I’m sure it all looks great for now; he’s been out of the UK for about a year, and much like a teenager being allowed to go to parties for the first time, he is finding it all very new and exciting. But ultimately, this is not a life he has led for the best part of 36 years and I do think it’ll all come crashing down within the next year as reality starts hitting home for him.

Unfortunately, there are rumours circulating today that Harry and Meghan are planning on making a ‘royal return’ to the UK for this summer’s events, such as Trooping the Colour.

Better hope that new COVID variant shuts that shit down, then

If this is the case, he’ll have to come face to face with his family again and all that he has left behind. And once Meghan finds her next target husband, Harry will be today’s news, tomorrow’s chip paper.

So Harry, I’m glad you’re enjoying your ‘new life’ out in California where you can sun yourself, finally play in a garden you apparently never had access to at any of the palaces and eat spirulina, kale and other things that probably make your shit too runny– we await your post-divorce return within the next 18 months with great anticipation.

William hands out food at a homeless shelter

And now, onto the real Duke!

It has been revealed that just before Christmas, Prince William was spotted volunteering at The Passage, a homeless shelter he has worked with since he was a teenager.

The Duke helped to hand out food close to the Christmas period, making three secret visits to the charity– only being rumbled when an onlooker got a sneaky photo of him.

See Harry and Meghan? It is possible to carry out acts of kindness without an entire camera crew present!

I think it was sweet of him to do this, especially so under the radar: charity work is designed to help others, not bolster your reputation. (Just in case anyone in particular needed reminding of that).

No you don’t, love.

William began working with The Passage back when he was about 15, introduced to the charity by his mother, who worked with them for years also; I think it’s lovely that he is carrying on the work all these years later.

“So this one has the beluga caviar, that one has the Eton mess, and… oh wait shit sorry, this is mine and Kate’s food shopping from Harrods. Better give that back — she’s a right moody cow when she hasn’t had her evening glass of Möet.”

Meghan’s court case

I have to be honest with you, Meghan has sued so many people now, I have no idea what any of these court cases are for anymore.

So apparently, there was a hearing due to take place tomorrow against the Mail on Sunday, which I believe is related to that letter she sent her dad; you know, the one where she pulled out her best contrived calligraphy and then pretended she never wanted anyone to see it.

Apparently Meghan, who is really so adept at taking everyone to court by now that she should probably save herself the legal fees and become her own lawyer, has put in an application for a ‘summary judgement’ to be made on the case, as she attempts to back the Mail on Sunday into a corner to close proceedings off quickly.

“One doesn’t want to give you time to realise one is talking out of one’s ass, yah.”

The reason she has given for this is that ‘the Mail on Sunday could not possibly stand up against her case’ in court, so they should ‘probably just give up now’ – in layman’s terms, anyway.

First of all, Meghan…

This woman suffers from serious illusions of grandeur where her status is concerned. Does she really think a newspaper won’t have better lawyers than a failed actress and royal? Come on Meg– your time on Suits, about the only vaguely notable acting role you ever had, should have taught you this.

Shoot another episode of “Suing with the Sussexes”, perhaps?

Secondly, I suspect the reason she has called for this is for the exact opposite reason. I think Meghan knows she doesn’t stand a chance in court when it comes out that she has been bullshitting about the letter and that she clearly intended for the world and it’s grandmother to see it.

“I mean yeah, how else was I gonna get you all to believe dear old daddy is an asshole?”

I mean, bar one stint of jury service 9 years ago, my legal experience is pretty limited (which it probably shouldn’t be as I work in HR) but I’m going to assume that if she takes the stand, it will have to be under oath so she is clearly shitting herself that she can’t lie about anything. It doesn’t really surprise me that she wants this to end pretty quickly.

“What the fuck am I gonna do yah? I’ll have to fake another pregnancy to get out of this shit now.”

I’ve also learnt today that going down this avenue means that this will not require witnesses either, so Meghan’s five made up friends will be safe and sound when it comes to their identities.

In any case, I do hope this goes to trial: it would be really funny to see Meghan squirm when questioned about her bullshit letter, and quite frankly, if you’re going to sue somebody and take them to court, you may as well do it properly. Looking forward to seeing what happens with this one.

The Queen and Prince Phillip are vaccinated

Hurrah!

News broke yesterday that Her maj and Phil have been vaccinated against the dreaded Coronavirus over at Windsor Castle.

“Consider one’s arse royally saved.”

The palace declined to comment which vaccine the royal couple had opted to take, but it is thought to be the Oxford-made vaccine, Astra Zeneca.

“Of course it is… because one backs all things British, innit.”

In any case, it appears the Queen and the Duke are doing well so far following their inoculation and have not had any reactions to the vaccine so far.

Well… that’s what they say: £20 says they were accidentally shot up with Harry’s old supply of black tar heroin that he accidentally left at the Castle after one particularly wild party about 10 years ago.

“Is it just me Liz, or are you starting to feel a bit.. funny?”
”Haven’t got a clue what you’re on about Phil, but that drum and bass is really coursing through my veins.”

In any case, I’m glad they’ve both been vaccinated and are doing so well so far: I’m sure they miss their family so hopefully this will give them the opportunity to be with them once again.

Catherine’s birthday

So birthday wishes are in order – our Duchess of Cambridge turned 39 yesterday!

Royal reporters, journalists, tv channels and even train stations joined in to wish the Duchess many happy returns of the day, with this particularly cute broadcast:

This morning, a little story was leaked to the press, telling of how Kate spent her birthday having a ‘quiet tea party’ at home with her husband Prince William and three children.

“This is lovely George — thank you so much for making mummy some tea.”
“Wills, where the fuck’s the bourbon?”

The story stated that it was a ‘quiet, laid back affair’ at Anmer Hall for Her Royal Highness, which is largely owing to the current nationwide lockdown in England that we’re all suffering through, I’m sure.

Shit times to be a Brit

And while the tabloids have made out it was all tea and scones, like any busy mum of three, I’m willing to bet the alcohol was fully cracked out by the time the kids were fed, bathed and put to bed last night.

“Will, get your arse in here babes— this champers ain’t gonna drink itself!”

All jokes aside, I hope she had a lovely birthday: she always approaches everything with such enthusiasm and a huge smile on her face, and for that, we thank her.

Happy Birthday Catherine! 🎈

Well that’s all for now, my loves: I’m sure this week will see more shenanigans (which I will look forward to making fun out of next weekend). Until then, stay safe, stay sane and I will see you all next time!