Royal Round-Up: 27th December

Hello all and happy Sunday! 🎄

Firstly, I hope you all had a lovely Christmas, wherever you are (and whatever the restrictions may be where you live). Some of us in England have the great pleasure of being in Tier 4, which essentially means we’ll be commanded to stop breathing soon.

Where my fellow Londoners at?

Anyway, there’s been quite a lot to go over from the last week or so— so grab yourself some Christmas snack leftovers, put your feet up and let’s get stuck in.

Harry and Meghan’s Spotify Deal

Just when we thought a deal with Netflix was the pinnacle of tacky and that things couldn’t get much worse, Harry and Meghan went right ahead and secured a multi-million dollar deal with Spotify.

I’m not entirely sure how this fuckery transpired, but apparently some moron at the company thought that people on their platform would actually want to listen to Harry and Meghan speak and commissioned a podcast in their honour.

How many times do we need to tell you that we don’t give a flying one about anything they have to say?

So many questions arise from this: who at Spotify made this shitshow happen? When is this atrocity going to be inflicted on us? What will they talk about and why do they think we’ll give a shit?

Honestly, I’m trying to imagine how this will go:

”Hey, we’re The Duke and Duchess of Sussex and today we’re gonna talk all about MEEEE!!!”
“Hey y’all, this is the Duchess of Sussex and today I’m gonna show you how to inflate a moon bump in three easy steps.”
“Hey guys, Meghan here again. So today we’re going to look at top tips and tricks when it comes to the arduous task of cutting an avocado and putting it on some toast.”
“Hey guys, welcome to a festive podcast special today— How To Ditch Your Dad in 10 Days.”

The list really goes on and on, but seriously, who is actually going to listen to this shit? Apparently they want to give us “themes that will be positive and uplift us after a difficult year”.

The greatest gift they can give us is closing their mouths and handing their titles back, if they’re really interested in “uplifting” us.

Yeah— thought not.

And what of Meghan striking a deal to support oat milk lattes?

Imagine spending almost a year in California, trying to “carve out financial independence” for yourself and the best you can come up with is supporting vegan coffee?

And just straying away from the stupidity for a second, but how is coffee not vegan?! It doesn’t contain any animal products as far as I know, and most coffee isn’t made with dairy alternatives as that shit (like milk) is added just before you drink it— so sorry if I seem like I’m being dense, but I don’t understand.

But of course, Sussex fans lapped this up like Meghan was the next Jeff Bezos and took to the internet to speak of how proud they were of her new “business” venture.

Though at this stage, I suspect she could bag up one of her dog’s turds and they’d be lining up to hand over their credit cards

The price of one bag is also just as pretentious as it’s ingredients: yep, its $28 for a packet with only 14 servings. And so far, no mention of any charitable proceeds from this, so can I assume that this is just Meghan looking to make money for herself?

There is also zero mention of how much money Meghan actually invested in the start-up, but seeing as her and Harry haven’t actually got jobs yet, I can’t imagine it was very much.

”…so we’ll start with $5 and if you haven’t tanked in a few months, I’ll be waiting for my cheque.”

Aaaaand it got worse still, when arse-lick Oprah took to Instagram to brag about her “neighbour M” giving her bags of the pretentious shite, casually name-dropping a bit.

”I don’t actually give a rat’s ass what’s in these packages, but Meghan said she’d let me have the first post-divorce interview if I merched these, so here we are.”

Anyway, as Meghan and Harry’s desperate attempts to stay relevant become more and more entertaining every week, let’s see what the next 7 days will bring… I guarantee more laughs.

Harry and Meghan spotted out in Beverly Hills

Yes— they just “happened” to be spotted while out somewhere, because the paparazzi just randomly “happened” to be there at the same time without any prior notification right?

Firstly, I’m hearing the weather’s quite warm in Cali at the moment, so why in fuck’s name is Meghan dressed like she’s about to embark on an expedition through the Arctic?

This is made more bizarre by the fact that Harry is wearing such a thin shirt in contrast to his wife: I mean, I get times are tough, but can they really only afford one coat between them?

My other guess as to why she’s dressed the way she is, and I hateeeee to venture to this one, is that she’s “pregnant” again and is pulling the same bullshit she did at Princess Eugenie’s wedding with the open coat crap.

You remember the one— where she was only about three seconds pregnant and decided to wear her coat only a third of the way done up so you’d focus on her and not the bride

I could just be seeing things, but I can see something in the stomach region— so I suggest we all buckle up and prepare ourselves for another year of her holding her stomach, as she appears to have the gestation period of an elephant.

Which makes sense as she didn’t appear to know when the last baby was due either
I bet this mask-wearing stuff is killing her when the papz can’t get a clear photo of her face

More interestingly— they’re walking apart and not holding hands!

Isn’t it funny that on official duty, they cling to each other like they’re scaling a mountain edge, but whenever they’re papped candidly, they go nowhere near each other?

Meghan honestly looks like she’d rather contract corona than touch Harry at all

In any case, I must say that I’m surprised there haven’t been more pap photos of them in LA but I can only assume that’s because Meghan gets away with calling them less when Harry is present. You can bet if he heads to the UK in the new year, she’ll have them back on speed dial.

“Just get your arses around here sharpish, yah— he’s only in England for three days and I need to make myself look like as much of a media victim as possible.”

In any case, I’m sure we’ll be subjected to more crap soon, so watch this space.

The Queen’s Speech

Ah, The Queen’s speech— the pinnacle of any Brit’s Christmas Day!

Yep, at 3pm once we’re all suitably stuffed, we plonk our arses on the sofa and listen to Her Maj give us her reflective thoughts on the year just passed.

2020, being particularly shite, was no exception: The Queen spoke of a year of hardship for the nation, but praised the general public and key workers for coming together in solidarity and the hope for a better 2021.

Some of you may have read what I wrote on twitter, regarding the queen’s primary focuses during her speech:

Of course, some Sussex fans (and some of the dozier media outlets) took this as an opportunity to bring up the fact that Meghan and Harry weren’t mentioned in the speech.

”That’s because one doesn’t mention lazy fuckers who do nothing to support one’s fam.”

Honestly though, what is there to mention? Harry and Meghan have done zero to support The Queen this year, despite their previous promise that they would:

Yes, I’m sure their vegan lattes and podcasts have restored Her Majesty’s sense of faith in them

And given half the chance, I’m sure she’d tell everyone exactly what she thought of her bollock-less grandson and his manipulative wife.

“Darling, by the time I’m through with you, you’ll be lucky to leave with even the “Markle” part of your name, let alone be the Duchess of anything.”

I’m super glad The Queen mainly focused on the Cambridges and Wessexes in her speech, because let’s be honest, they’ve done the most out of the whole family in the pandemic. Why anyone thought she would give airtime to two losers who are more interested in money-grabbing than anything else is beyond me.

“Well… we did hand out food packages once or twice.”
“So did 5 year old Charlotte, you bint. You see that jumbo jet over there? It’s your one-way ticket to Africa. Get your spoilt arse on it and fuck off.”

Harry and Meghan’s Christmas card

I’m assuming these two heard that everyone was fed up of their stupid “noir” photos, so they decided to one-up it for this year’s “festive” card and used the most bizarre filter I have ever seen.

Surely they’re just trolling us now?

Firstly, I cannot make out a single facial feature on this photo— I mean, it may as well be a snap of Sadam Hussain and his family.

Secondly— why? I mean really, just what was the point of this crap? What’s wrong with releasing a normal photo of yourselves? If you’re going to do something, do it properly. Unless of course you’re waiting to see which media outlet will offer up a six-figure sum for the original photo…

– Every media company in the USA

And of course, every last “body language expert” weighed in on the barely visible photo, trying to decipher just what Harry, Meghan and Archie’s poses meant— other than 3 people sitting in a garden, which was basically all it was.

But since we’re on the subject…

To me, I’m getting hints of “trying-to-make-yet-another-escape” from Archie: one foot firmly on the ground to move forward and the other poised to kick his dad in the balls if necessary, the tot is able to wriggle just one arm out and make a break for freedom.

Meghan appears to be on the ball when it comes to her son’s escape methods and outstretches an arm to hold him captive in place: it could also be an attempt at elbowing Harry back into the playhouse for the sake of the photo, but it’s hard to tell.

As for Harry, well, as usual I don’t suppose there’s much going on between his ears, other than perhaps extreme discomfort at having his wife cling onto/elbow him, stress at trying to hold onto his toddler son and abject agony at having to cram his 6ft 3 frame into a child’s playhouse.

I was honestly convinced they’d use the card to do some sort of pregnancy announcement, so I’m glad we weren’t subjected to that at the very least.

Can’t wait to see what they come out with next year! Maybe they’ll go back to silhouette photos?

”Merry Christmas from our family to yours!”

Harry and Meghan want Megxit Extension

Quelle fucking surprise

Yep, word has just come in within the last 24 hours that Harry plans to venture to the U.K. in March to beg the Queen for an extension to the “Megxit” transition period for him and his wife.

Yeah, good luck pal— it took this wally four and a half years to secure anything, so by the time you’re done agreeing your own “trade deal” you’ll probably be divorced anyway

It has been said that Harry and Meghan wish to be in England for the Queen’s 95th birthday in April and Prince Phillip’s 100th birthday in June as these are “important family events for them”.

Firstly— Meghan doesn’t know what the meaning of “family” is, having ditched all of her own. And secondly, are these really the reasons for them wanting to return? I somehow doubt it.

”Of COURSE we wanna be there for the Queen and Duke’s birthdays… but also, if we just happen to be there for the annual royal televised appearances, I’m ok with that too… I can’t think of any off the top of my head, really… just Commonwealth Day, Order of the Garter, WE Day, Ascot and Trooping the Colour… but I haven’t really given it much thought to be honest.”

All jokes aside, these two can piss off. I assume them begging for an extension is because they’re shit scared they’re going to lose their titles and then won’t be able to monetise them, so they’re desperately clinging to what they can.

“Granny don’t be such a bitch, yah— we’re on the brink of scoring a deal with Amazon Prime too, and do you think they’ll even look at us if we can’t whack ‘Duke and Duchess’ in front of our names?”

Apparently the talks will be more civilised than the ones that took place in January, where Harry (and possibly Meghan, if she can be bothered to roll out of bed) will try and negotiate the ability to hold onto their Royal patronages— none of which they’ve actually made an effort with this year.

“Yah, I know we could’ve spoken to our charities more often Gran, but you’ve clearly never negotiated a Netflix deal. That shit takes forever. We’ll chat to them next year.”

And of course, the event that I expect Meghan especially is clamouring to attend— the unveiling of Princess Diana’s statue on 1st July 2021— an event I’m sure she’d move heaven and earth to attend.

“I know I didn’t actually know Diana yah, but I think trying to emulate her for the last 20 years puts me in good stead to speak about her. This calls for another speech!”

Just how long they want this “grace period” extended for is unknown, but if I were the Queen, I’d tell them exactly where they could shove their extension: you’ve made your bed and you’ve failed to prove yourselves in the last year, so feel free to lie in it.

“So H, what happens if the Queen says no, yah?”
“…that us having to open a pub was always inevitable, babes. Don’t worry, you’ll made a cracking barmaid.”

Well before my fingers fall off, let’s call it a day for now: I’ve no doubt there’ll be more to laugh at in the next week.

I recognise this will now likely be my last post for 2020, so with that, I wish you all a very Happy New Year. I’m sure 2021 will bring plenty more laughs and drama— and we’ll be there to track it all.

Thank you again for all the support for the blog in the last year: I do read all your comments and endeavour to respond where I can, but if I can’t always manage it, just know that I do appreciate it all.

Hoping the next year will burn much brighter than this one ✨

Sussexes want a meg or extension