Royal round-up: 18th February

Well hello everyone!

I can’t believe it is already halfway through February– where has this year gone already!?

To rescue what’s left of my sanity after what was a particularly trying week, I’ve turned my attention to all-things royal that have occurred in the last two weeks or so, so without further ado…

William and Kate visit Cornwall

Last week, The Prince and Princess of Wales (known as The Duke and Duchess of Cornwall in the county) visited Falmouth in a joint engagement– their first trip to Cornwall since taking on the titles.

“Yes, just drop a bit lower Sharon, thank you.”

The pair visited The National Maritime Museum, where they were briefed on the rich history of the county.

“Yes, well, they only got me in the car to come here because there was a promise of a Cornish pasty.”

The Prince and Princess did a short walkabout as they met members of the public in Falmouth– much to the delight of the crowds.

“Even just a small sausage roll from Greggs or something would’ve been good, you know? It was a bloody 7-hour drive.”

Once inside, the royal couple were very excited to learn more about the projects that the museum were working on, as they set about speaking to staff.

“Yes, very interesting indeed… But do you not have any tea and biscuits in Cornwall, or something? Catherine and I are bloody famished, yah.”

The pair got to hear about how the museum was working on a refurbishment of The Kiwi, which was a 14-foot sailing dinghy that was presented to The Queen and Prince Philip as a wedding present.

“I think it’s delightful, Wills– rustic and decadent–“

“–It’s a heap of shit. They’ve had since 1947 to fix it and this is the best they could come up with? Louis could do a better job with his Bob The Builder set.”

But it was all hands on deck as William and Catherine got to work helping staff with their repair of the boat, demonstrating excellent teamwork and really impressing everyone.

“Wills, for fuck’s sake, you’re supposed to hit the nail on the boat, not the one on my hand.”

Move your bloody fingers out of the way then, you daft cow.”

Catherine even joined in doing the ‘Hokey Cokey’ dance with some Falmouth families, truly getting into the spirit of things!

“This really is seriously good fun– William darling, why don’t you come and join in?”
“Dance around in public like a prick? No thanks, babes– been there, done that. I’d rather shove Harry’s book up my arse.”

Kate and William also spoke to a group of youngsters who are taking part in the ‘Young and Talented Cornwall’ scheme, which provides funds to young people across the county to fulfil their dreams and potential. The scheme itself has already raised over £350,000.

“You see, we would donate, but we really need to get the kitchen done and the tennis court needs new asphalt, so definitely next time.”
“Did you just tell those people we’re donating money next time we’re here? Are you serious?”

“Oh Christ no– we’re never setting foot in fucking Cornwall again, yah. When you’re King, just have them removed from the map.”

After her little dancing session with the locals, Kate was given a cute bouquet of flowers, as is customary on official engagements for Royal Family members.

“And I suppose you expect me to believe this came from Harrods, do you?”

There was even a ‘friendly’ game of table tennis between William and Catherine, who have previous mentioned that there is some slight competitiveness between them– but that it’s all in good fun.

“Right come on then Cath, you old crumpet– let’s be ‘aving ya.”
“Call me an old crumpet again and I will re-design your face with this racket, you bald tosser.”

And in keeping with the nautical theme, the pair got to join some children who were taking part in a model boat race, no doubt continuing the competitive streak.

“Oh, move out of the way Amelia and let me take over– my grandma could move that bloody boat faster.”

But to round off the engagement, there was a touching moment when Kate was reunited with an old school teacher who had retired some time ago and moved down to Cornwall.

“Oh my goodness, it is just so wonderful to see you again after so many years– you were just the most exquisite teacher.”
“Uh babes, that’s not your teacher– it’s just some dude who was coming out of the job centre next door.”
“Oops, sorry! Hello!… This one’s definitely him, right?”

According to reports, her former teacher, Mr. Embury, taught her history at school where he said she was a ‘very good student’. He now volunteers at the museum on a regular basis.

Kate recognised her teacher ‘instantly’, throwing her arms around him in a warm embrace.

“I have to be honest, I have absolutely no idea who you are– I meet way too many people– one of the aides just pointed to you and told me to look excited and hug you.”
“But yay for you! You got to meet a Princess today! I love that for you.”

And with that, the royal trip was wrapped up– but not before The Prince and Princess said their goodbyes to the crowds.

“Bye, darling! You are such a little dumpling, I could squeeze you!”
“No no, please don’t actually touch me– your fingers might have been in your own shit for all I know.”

All in all, a successful trip to the South of England, where I daresay they will be back soon.

“Right, I’ve got a nail appointment at 2:00 and there’s a champagne in the car with my name on it. Until next time, Cornwall.”

Samantha sues Meghan

Well I’m glad someone finally is

Yes, two years after the shit-show that was Harry and Meghan’s interview with Oprah Winfrey, her half-sister Samantha Markle has surfaced once again and is trying to sue Meghan for ‘defamation and injurious falsehood’.

I can just imagine Sam ringing Meghan up like:

Yeah, you ain’t the only one with a lawyer and a lot of time on her hands, bitch.”

Sam is really about to give Meghan a taste of her own medicine: while the Sussexes sued so many people at one stage, they may as well have been given a bedroom at the court house, big sister Sam now also can’t wait to fleece Megsy for as much as she can.

“Get in line, girl– if there’s any money left for you by the time I’m done.”

Apparently the crux of the claims lie around the fact that Meghan has apparently lied a lot (shocker) about her childhood, leading Sam to discount some of the claims she made about their time growing up in the same house.

Firstly, Sam took great offence to the fact that Meghan had apparently claimed to be an only child.

“Meghan, how you just gonna forget about me like that? We lived together. I was always there, we hung out in your room, played in the swimming pool…”
“Wait, that was you? I thought you were the help.”

However, Meghan’s lawyer has stated that these are not grounds for a claim as this is simply ‘Samantha’s perception’ of her childhood. Just like it was apparently Meghan’s ‘perception’ that she did not have an older sibling living under the same roof as her for years.

Samantha has claimed that she can find ‘at least 10 claims’ in the Finding Freedom book that are total bullshit– something that has been rebuffed by Meghan’s legal team because “Meghan didn’t write the book”.

You have to be shitting me

If Meghan did not contribute to the content of that book, I am Elon Musk.

I mean seriously, have you guys read some of the excerpts from it? There is no bloody way a person who wasn’t there could have written that tripe; and one thing Meghan fails to remember each time she claims that she has not written something is that she gushes constantly about herself in these scrawlings, basically giving the game away.

“The Californian-born goddess arose from her four-poster bed, sauntering out toward the bedroom’s French doors and taking in the view with her honey-coloured, almond-shaped eyes… Draping a satin gown over her slender frame (and gym-honed arse), she swept out onto the terrace, running her long, elegant fingers through her chocolate brown tresses… the sunlight caressing her flawless face…”
“Yeah no, not me. That was definitely the editor.”

I mean even if she wasn’t the one who physically typed out the words (and let’s face it, we know she wasn’t– she probably employs someone to wipe her arse for her), does she really think that absolves her of any involvement with the book?

Her legal team, who are apparently smoking crystal meth, have tried super hard to get the case thrown out by the court– and two days ago, a notion to do just this was heard by a judge in Florida over Zoom– who by that stage was probably wishing he had just become a street-cleaner instead.

“I trained my entire life for this shit?”

But Sam’s lawyer was ready to clap back, and told the judge that Meghan had ‘certainly’ fed information to the writer(s) of the book, making her liable for any defamatory comments.

It has been noted from Samantha’s legal team that Meghan completely left her out of Finding Fuck All Freedom and had heavily implied it was just her and her daddy for the most part.

Although her nose in this picture could be counted as an extra sibling

It has now been said that should the case progress to the next stage, Harry and Meghan will be questioned by Samantha’s lawyers.

“Shit Meghan– now what, yah? I don’t want to be cross-examined by Sam’s local Starbucks. I don’t even know how she takes her coffee?”
“No, Harry– we’re being questioned by her barrister, you fucking idiot, not her barista.”

But yes– Harry and Meghan could well find themselves in court come July and having to face a series of questions from the opposition– something I’m sure makes them both quite nervous.

“Shit, Haz– there is no way I am taking the stand, yah. We need to get out of this. Which one of us should pretend to have mental health issues this time?”

Apparently Sam Markle is only looking for around $75,000– a pretty measly sum given what her sister is now actually worth. Well… I’m assuming Harry and Meghan have money, but the amount they spend on private jets and lavish holidays, they probably don’t have much left to cough anything up for Sam.

“We actually have fuck all money now, innit. Like, Haz is probably gonna have to sell Windsor Castle or something.”
Sell Windsor Castle?! Don’t be so stupid, babes… I don’t know the first bloody thing about real estate.”

In any case, I hope Samantha wipes the floor with her: if Harry and Meghan think it’s acceptable to make money off others, they should be willing to accept that people can and should make money off them too.

“Our turn next!”

Kate in Derby

On a solo engagement prior to Cornwall however, The Princess of Wales made her way up to Derby, where she visited Landau Forte College and met up with Harpreet Chandi MBE, famous for her expedition in Antarctica.

A few minutes late, the Princess offered a few words of apology to her hosts:

“So sorry I’m late, babes– the traffic was fucking terrible. I also made a super hot Vindaloo for supper last night and struggled to get away from the toilet this morning. We also stopped three times because I needed a cigarette. Nightmare.”

Once inside, the Princess met up with Ms. Chandi, the two clearly enjoying each other’s company.

“Thank you for the flowers, Your Highness.”

“Well they were given to me, but seeing as I usually just dump them in the nearest bin on the way out, you might as well have them.”

Kate hailed ‘Polar Preet’, as she is known, as an ‘inspiration to us all’, gushing over her record-breaking trip across the Arctic.

“I mean honestly, crossing Antarctica on your own? Just extraordinary. I’m not even allowed to take a piss without a protection officer standing outside the bathroom door.”

Afterwards, Kate listed to Preet give a speech at the school to an enthusiastic audience– clearly enjoying hearing all about the heroic journey.

“Oh no, I’m definitely awake– I’m just resting my eyes.”

But it wasn’t long before it was Kate’s turn to take the podium and address the crowd.

“What Preet did was just immense and I applaud her. I too have endured long bouts of extreme frostiness– namely from my brother-in-law’s wife.”

And it wasn’t long before Kate was made to join the slightly more physical side of things, whereby they strapped a harness on her with a tyre attached, to mimic what crossing the Arctic felt like for Preet.

“Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me– I thought Preets and I were done for the day and about to head to the pub.”

But The Princess really got into the swing of things and found herself actually having fun.

“Shitting hell– I think I’ve given myself a hernia.”

But at least Kate was a good sport and gave it a go.

“Right, you guys undo this and I’ll pop to the bathroom to check what’s left of my pelvic floor.”

But the end wasn’t in sight just yet; Kate then headed out to the classrooms to meet pupils in years 11, 12 and 13 to discuss mental health and the challenges they face every day.

“I can sit down, yah? Between my curry and your teachers, there’s nothing much left of me from the waist down.”

The students were excited to meet Kate and talk about how they take care of their own mental health and listened to the experiences of others.

“Hmm… and therapy didn’t help either? Ok…Have you tried vodka and Valium?”

Before long, it was time for the Princess to wave goodbye to the staff, students and Preet as she headed back to her home in Windsor– having enjoyed a thoroughly interactive day out in Derby.

“Thank fuck that’s over. Fetch the car, babes– I spy a wine bar in the distance that’s also about to be paid a surprise royal visit.

However, it was not the only school Kate had sat down to discuss mental health with last week, as she also visited St. John’s CE Primary School in Bethnal Green, where she chatted to students there about how they take care of their minds also.

“Yes, well, it can’t be too difficult, can it sweetheart? You’re only 8– what problems could you possibly have? Did mummy take away the iPad again?”

The Princess even posed for a photo with the kids as well to advocate for the importance of mental health and happiness amongst children.

“Whichever one of you is stepping on my £400 trainers, kindly get the fuck off it.”

Harry, Meghan and the King’s coronation

So there has been this continuous speculation over whether or not Harry and Meghan will attend King Charles’s coronation in May, or whether or not they have even been invited to begin with after the fall-out from Spare and, well, the last six years.

Personally, if I was Charles it’d be a no-brainer for me. I’d send them a little video on WhatsApp or something, telling them to stay where they are.

“Think of attending and one will have you promptly thrown into the Buckingham Palace basement.”

Buuuuut it looks like it has been confirmed that the Sussexes WILL attend the coronation in May (unfortunately) albeit ‘briefly’– whatever that means.

“Finally on the guestlist Meghan, yah. Just tell Jeremy Kyle to meet us out the front of the Abbey about two hours before the coronation starts so we can give another bombshell interview. We’ll tell them Dad’s actually a woman, or something.

I’m not sure how you can attend a coronation at Westminster Abbey ‘briefly’? Do they just get up and leave in the middle of the ceremony, like when you need the toilet at the cinema and have to make everyone stand up so you can get past?

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex to Archie and Lili halfway through KCIII’s coronation

According to sources, Harry and Meghan were invited because they are ‘still family’, despite the way they think it’s apparently acceptable to treat their family. If I were Charles, I wouldn’t have let them near any proceedings at all.

“Listen, I can’t stop you from entering the United Kingdom, but if you set one foot in the palace, I’ll have you deported. If you come here, it’s a standard room at a Travelodge in Elephant & Castle, no security detail and you can stand outside Buck House gates waving a flag with my face on it like every other sad fucker.”

However, others are saying that ‘there is still no definitive decision’ on whether or not the Sussexes will attend, as it is apparently Archie’s birthday that day so they ‘may have better things to do’.

“Better than showing up in London on the day of a royal coronation where there are thousands of cameras and adoring crowds? Are you fucking kidding me? We can buy Ainsley a cake later.”

“His name is Archie, babes.”

“Who cares? Just hit up Elton John and get that private jet sorted. No commercial airliners, please. We’re not total commoners yet.”

But how will the rest of the family react? It is natural they will be somewhat wary of Harry and Meghan’s presence– probably worried they’ve got wires strapped to them or something and will leak even the most mundane of conversations. Harry and Meghan being around you must be like when you spot a spider in your room and then can’t locate it four seconds later.

“So do you think you’ll both be spending time with Harry and Meghan when they reach the UK, Your Highnesses?”

“To tell you the truth mate, I think Cath and I would rather relinquish our titles and move to a caravan park in Bradford.”

There is of course the question of whether or not Harry and Meghan will sit down with the King and Queen Consort to help ‘heal the rift privately’– something which I’m sure Charles and Camilla are delighted to hear about.

“Just pop me over their flight details when you have them, Charles– one will make sure one tests positive for COVID again about 24 hours prior.”

In any case, even if they attend, I highly doubt they’ll be welcomed with open arms; the family don’t trust them, the British public don’t like them and the media are only there to make fun of them, so I can’t see this going too well.

“Why the fuck are you all throwing rotten food, yah? I thought you had a cost of living crisis in the UK?”

Well that’s it for now; I do wonder what Harry and Meghan are up to as they’ve been so silent, which is more unnerving that comforting. I’m wondering also if Meghan is starting to distance herself from Harry as part of Phase 2 of her plan… something is afoot.

Until next week, stay safe, stay sane and I will see you all again soon!

14 responses to “Royal round-up: 18th February”

  1. Thank you, riotously funny as always.

  2. Samantha is asking for $75,000 to be the MINIMUM amount awarded to her. This is being heard in federal court and the judge is a woman. Federal court is serious and you get in big trouble for lying.
    Love your blog and look forward to reading it.

    1. Thank you for clarifying! Think she’s well within her rights. Thank you for the sweet comment, love ♥️

  3. Yay! Always love reading your posts! Please talk about Meghan and Harry on South Park in your next post🤣

    1. I cannot believe I forgot that one!!! Next time for sure. Thank you lovely! ♥️

  4. I always get so excited when I get a notification you’ve written another blog post! Another hit Saffy! Keep ’em coming!

    1. Thank you my love!! 🥰♥️

  5. Just what I needed today. You’ve really cheered me up.

    1. I’m so glad, love! ♥️ hope everything is ok?

  6. It’s always such a treat to see a notification from you. Thank you for such a consistently witty, clever take on proceedings, I bet the Cambridges would secretly love this blog!

    1. Thank you my darling! I really appreciate that xx

  7. Excellent and hilarious as always Saffy. Please will you talk about Meghag supposedly spending “a lot of time” with 89-year-old billionaire Gordon Getty and his family’s concerns about this sudden “friendship” and what her real intentions are? Oodles of love ❤️

    1. Thank you my lovely! Not heard this one — will definitely look into it! ♥️

  8. Another great one; you’re absolutely the best.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: