CrownsOfBritain

Well hello everyone and welcome to another Royal Round-Up!

Is it just me or has this been the most insane couple of weeks in royal world!? With the release of Harry’s ‘memoir’, things just got even more mental, so let’s not waste any more time…

Harry’s ‘Spare’

Yep, as mentioned above, the ‘hotly anticipated’ pile of crap that is Prince Harry’s memoir was released and boy are there ever some explosive claims in it.

After I posted the last Royal Round-Up, a story broke from the Sussex camp where Harry detailed that he had been physically assaulted by his brother, The Prince of Wales.

Yes, Harry asserted that William had bust his way into Nottingham Cottage when he and Meghan were still living there and socked him one because he didn’t like Megs and thought she was a prat or something.

According to Harry, William burst in through the front door like:

Harry tries to make out that he was the peacekeeper in all of this and tells us that he poured William a glass of water to ‘calm him down’, like we’re expected to believe he came over all Mother Theresa and didn’t try to strike William back.

But Harry’s efforts to offer William hydration apparently went awry, when Harry tells us that William promptly set the water down, called Harry a name (we can only guess what that was) and then lunged at him– sending Harry flying across the room.

Harry tells us how he tumbled backwards and landed hard on the dog bowl, cracking it with his back and injuring himself in the process after William had apparently grabbed Harry ‘by the collar’ and thrown him onto the dog dish.

Throughout all of this, we are expected to believe that Harry just took his beating like a man, rather than hitting William or even trying to defend himself against this alleged attack, which seems highly unlikely for an army dude.

Something tells me this is not how he settled any disputes with the Taliban though.

Harry claims that he had ‘visible injuries’ on his back, which we will have to take his word for as this altercation happened some years ago now so if there were any bruises, they disappeared some time ago.

Harry also expresses his devastation over the fact that William ‘snapped’ his black necklace thing that he has been wearing for about 20 years– one that his ex-girlfriend Chelsy Davy allegedly gave him, which he was still wearing long after marrying another woman. Something tells me Meghan wasn’t too upset about that one.

For some reason, Harry also claims that William called him ‘Harold’ at one point during the argument as well, which is a little odd, considering Harry’s real name is Henry and, you know, not Harold. Apparently Harry told William that he had ‘physically assaulted him’, to which William said something in response that resembled:

According to Harry, William had branded Meghan ‘rude, abrasive and difficult’– which I can’t say many of us would disagree with. I mean, Harry can get upset if he likes, but it is quite clear that William was simply speaking the truth.

Apparently it was at this point that William decided to take his leave, allegedly turning to Harry before he did so and warning him ‘not to tell Meg’ about what had happened between them– because she apparently wouldn’t have noticed the broken dog dish and, you know, broken husband?

But according to Hazza, his wife, ever the shy and retiring wallflower, was not ‘angry’ with William, but rather ‘deeply upset’ about what had occurred between the brothers and disappointed about the fall-out.

Once the altercation was over, Harry did not actually phone Meghan first but instead rang up his therapist to let her know what had just happened with his older brother.

All jokes aside, I’m really struggling to picture this one. I mean, there must be some element of truth to it as I’m sure even Harry knows he can’t put blatant lies in a published piece of work, but I do feel that it has been twisted and exaggerated to a certain degree.

Firstly, if this really happened the way he said it did, why have we not heard about this before? Harry treats this anecdote like some sort of an afterthought when it sounds like quite a big deal?

But things were about to get a whole lot worse for Harry and Meghan when Meghan made a rude comment towards Kate in the lead up to her and Harry’s wedding– something which Harry still asserts was not Meghan’s fault, even though she was being a total dick.

Apparently Meghan told Kate “you must have baby brain” while she was pregnant with Prince Louis, which royally pissed her and William off– quite rightly, might I add.

I’m not sure how many pregnant woman would take too kindly to the stuck-up fiancé of their brother-in-law making such a rude comment, but I don’t blame Kate for being upset.

But it wasn’t just Catherine who had the knives out– Prince William was none too thrilled about the remark made toward his wife either and politely told Meghan that “this is not how we talk to each other in this family”– or words to that effect.

But Meghan didn’t take too kindly to the delivery of this warning from Prince William, with her and Harry asserting that William had ‘pointed his finger in her face’, with Meghan apparently telling William to “kindly remove your finger from my face.”

Apparently the palace’s beef was that Meghan simply did not know Kate well enough to make such a comment, which is a fair observation. I wouldn’t turn around to a pregnant woman I’d known for all of a few months and say something like:

But Harry, keen to forever believe that the sun shines out of his wife’s arse, took offence to William and Kate taking offence and called them out on being upset over Meghan’s rude comment.

Real talk, I do find the following really quite funny to try and comprehend:

• Firstly, that it’s ok for Meghan to make a rude comment toward someone else, but then come over all offended because William has apparently pointed at her
  
• Secondly, that Harry is allowed to defend his wife but William is not? Does Harold have the copyright on that or something?

It’s just super odd behaviour from the Sussexes and further highlights how utterly entitled they are. They really do live in their own little world. I just wish Kate had handed Meghan’s arse to her, pregnant or not.

Andddd… then the claims got even wilder still. Harry must’ve been reading some of the old Twitter posts we made about his own racist behaviour because suddenly he’s admitting to all his faults, referring to himself as a ‘bigot’ before he met Meghan, amongst other things.

I should also add that this particular claim was not the wild one (we all know he’s a twat), but on the matter, Harry tells us all that it was William and Kate’s idea for him to dress as a Nazi in those famous photos taken all those years ago.

That is one thing I’ve never been able to stand about Harry– he is totally incapable, even now at almost 40, of taking responsibility for this actions. It’s always someone else’s fault, someone else’s issue and never his. The bloody audacity to blame William and Kate over an outfit!

Harry claims that the now Prince and Princess of Wales ‘howled with laughter’ when they saw him turn up to the party in 2005– where we only really have Harry’s word that they found it funny as it was 18 years ago and there is zero proof William and Kate were even at the party.

But according to Harry, his brother and future sister-in-law rang him up beforehand and told him he should ‘definitely go as a Nazi’. Can I really see the future King advising his little brother to dress as something so offensive? Not really.

Also, Harry– can you not think for yourself? At 20, you’re old enough to decide what to go as to a fancy dress party without having to phone your big brother and ask.

Harry laments that it was ‘one of the biggest mistakes of his life’ (no shit) and has been finally forced to express faux remorse so many years later because he probably saw what we all said about him being a hypocrite and shat himself.

But he wasn’t done taking aim at his family! Next to face Harry’s personal firing squad was none other than Britain’s Queen Consort and Harry’s step-mum, Camilla.

One such article worded it as the following:

In Spare, the Prince reveals that he and William held private meetings with Camilla as a way to formally get to know her when their father began seeing her publicly. In the interview, Harry claims his stepmother leaked details of those conversations to the press.

msn.com

Harry himself writes:

Shortly after our private summits with her, she began to play the long game. A campaign aimed at marriage and eventually the crown, with Pa’s blessing, we presumed. Stories began to appear everywhere in all the papers about her private conversation with Willie. Stories that contained pinpoint accurate details, none of which had come from Willie, of course. They could only have been leaked by the one other person present.

Royal girlfriends leaking information to the press?

Seriously, did Diana drop him from the Buckingham Palace balcony and onto his head when he was a baby? Mate, you married a woman who has done nothing but open her mouth to the press over the last 7 years– are you really that stupid? She gave an interview to Vanity Fair in 2017 where she all but told us about their sex life.

I also cannot get over the sheer hypocrisy of Harry telling us how Camilla allegedly leaked private conversations between the family to the press, when all he has done within this book and the promotion of it is… leak private conversations between the family to the press.

And don’t get me started on Harry talking about how Camilla’s goal was always ensnaring the Prince and making a beeline for the crown as though his own wife married him for his winning personality and blindingly good looks.

If you didn’t have ‘Prince’ in front of your name, she wouldn’t have looked twice at you, mate. See how long she sticks around once the Duke and Duchess titles are taken away.

Yes, I do believe Rachel Meghan Markle had only the truest of intentions when stepping through the doors of Kensington Palace and that none of those were even remotely related to money, titles and status.

In any case, whether he or anyone else for that matter likes Camilla or not, she is now the Queen Consort and hating her isn’t going to change that, so time for him to move on.

Actually… I don’t really want to move on, because the next part was Harry giving a description of losing his virginity, which made me fetch up whatever I was stupidly eating while reading the excerpt.

Harry writes (and I wish he hadn’t):

She liked horses, quite a lot, and treated me not unlike a young stallion. Quick ride, after which she’d smacked my rump and sent me to grace. Among the many things about it that were wrong: It happened in a grassy field behind a busy pub.

There goes my lunch.

What honestly possessed him to write this shit? I would say the only thing worse than what he wrote is how he wrote it. He sounds like he’s writing erotica for an equestrian fetish fandom.

Did it really need to be that flowery? I think I would respect him a lot more if he had just said:

Moving on swiftly, and believe it or not, it gets much worse: we now need to hear about when Harry got frostbite on his Crown Jewels and spent all of William and Kate’s wedding day scratching his balls or something.

I can just picture him while the cameras were off him and on William and Catherine during their vows:

And how did this happen? Well, there’s always a fun period of speculation.

Perhaps he got it stuck on a carefully crafted ice sculpture at William and Catherine’s rehearsal dinner the night before while messing about after a few vodka and cokes?

Or…

Maybe things got wild on William’s stag do and he passed out in the snow in Verbier after a day on the slopes and a night on the piste piss?

But in actual fact… it was because he had trekked across the North Pole in the lead up to William and Kate’s April 2011 royal wedding and didn’t cover his penis with a pillow.

Yes, apparently you are supposed to cover your parts with some sort of cushion in your pants when you trek through zones with below freezing temperatures but Harry didn’t know this, for some reason.

I’m quite surprised that he didn’t bother doing his research on adequate equipment to wear and pack when leading these expeditions, but that’s his issue I guess. Although it would be like your pilot telling you he knows squat about the aircraft five minutes before take-off.

But… oh… then it got soooo much worse and I cannot believe I sat through the Amazon audiobook segment of this. Harry then details how he was told to put a specific cream on his wiener to combat the frostbite– only then realising that it was the same cream his mum used on her dry lips when he was a kid.

He says, and I shit you not:

My penis was oscillating between extremely sensitive and borderline traumatized. The last place I wanted to be was Frostnipistan. I’d been trying some home remedies, including one recommended by a friend. She’d urged me to apply Elizabeth Arden cream. My mum used that on her lips. ‘You want me to put that on my todger?’ It works, Harry. Trust me.’ I found a tube, and the minute I opened it, the smell transported me through time. I felt as if my mother was right there in the room. Then I took a smidge and applied it…down there.

Good grief– the only thing that’s traumatised is me.

Firstly, I don’t care who you are– please never reference thinking about your mum while you’re lathering up your wang with cream.

Secondly– you are a literal Prince of Britain, why didn’t you just go and see a bloody doctor? For most other men with the same issue (and there probably aren’t many), their dick would probably fall off waiting for their GP to see them– but if you asked, I’m sure they’d bring the entire doctor’s surgery to you.

I can only imagine he did not realise it was frostbite and was instead probably worried it was an STD, so stayed quiet and tried to treat it himself at home.

In any case, I’m done talking about Prince Harry’s Pork Roll and done talking about the mess that is ‘Spare’; it’s out, he’s played his hand and hopefully he’ll stay quiet now… until next week at least.

William and Kate in Liverpool

Now time for the weekly palette cleanser consisting of The Prince and Princess of Wales.

Last week, in their first joint engagement of 2023, William and Catherine were in Liverpool visiting the Royal Liverpool University Hospital, sitting down with mental health workers and finding out more about their support services.

It was a great opportunity for the Prince and Princess to learn about the hospital’s key areas of focus and how they function day to day.

The couple looked thrilled to be back to royal engagements following the festive period and clearly looking forward to getting stuck into the year ahead.

William and Kate were even happy to take the time and pose for selfies with members of the public who turned out to see them, which was really quite sweet.

Now historically, it was thought that this was not allowed as Markle had told a couple back in 2017 during a walkabout that ‘we’re not allowed to take selfies’, yet there doesn’t appear to be much evidence of this rule.

I expect it was just Meghan who was told this, as they were probably worried that once she saw a camera, they wouldn’t be able to prise her away from it.

In any case, there were many words of encouragement for William and Catherine as they left Merseyside, with one woman telling William to ‘carry on’ in a sweet display of support, to which William replied that he would.

There was also the inevitable shouting of questions regarding Harry’s stupid book and what their reaction was to it. It’s a good thing they managed to remain calm and composed and didn’t respond to these.

This comes off the back of Catherine apparently saying that “therapy does not work for everyone”, with many believing she was taking aim at her brother-in-law, The Duke of Sussex. I actually don’t think she’s that petty as a person and was just making a general comment related to mental health, but if it was an underhand shot at Harry, then…

She is right though: clearly this hasn’t worked for Harry as he seems worse off now than he was 20 years ago, so one does wonder what exactly has gone on there.

I’m 100% sure her remark was not for Harry… Well… 98% sure at least.

William and Kate’s solo engagements

But The Prince and Princess of Wales were also out and about separately this week on their own solo engagements.

The Prince of Wales started off by visiting Together at One, a charity in Slough that tackles gang violence.

William even joined in where a team of young carers were learning about food and nutritional skills at the charity for the day.

But once the buttons to the stove were fully located, Prince William was in his element, helping the team make teriyaki noodles.

But while the teriyaki noodles may have been a success, The Prince had to come clean about the fact that he wasn’t always so gifted in the culinary sense. He told teacher and chef Kevin Muhammad that his sauces came out “lumpy and dry.”

Kevin, however, said that William was in fact very pleased with the food they made in there and really enjoyed the spices and seasoning.

But The Prince eventually came clean when he told Mr. Muhammad that he was not such an awful chef after all and cooked a “mean steak”.

At least if his cooking skills weren’t up to par, he was at least able to confer some wisdom in relation to his self-defence skills.

Elsewhere, his wife Catherine, Princess of Wales was undertaking her own solo engagement in Luton at the Foxcubs Nursery as part of her work raising awareness on the importance of the early years.

Travelling an hour from her home on the castle grounds, Catherine arrived at the nursery shortly before 11am, before speaking to a teacher about the number of kids being back in for the first day of school, making reference to the number of flu cases that have crashed through England over the last month.

Kate spent some time with the kids at the sand pit table, messing around with some masks that the children were making and holding one over her face.

Before long, it was time to say goodbye and prepare for the next engagement– and it was clear Kate had thoroughly enjoyed the day.

But it’s another day and another engagement for Kate, as she headed to meet England’s World-Cup Winners of the Wheelchair Rugby League, where she discussed the family’s love of sport.

But Catherine shared the information that it was her youngest child, 4-and-a-half-year old Prince Louis, who is the biggest rugby fan in the family, currently playing tag rugby at school.

Kate did, however, share her own exercise regime and how she stays so svelte after having three kids– jumping on the trampoline before they go to school every morning!

She also said that she keeps fit by ‘running around after the kids’ because they are at an age where they ‘just love to do that’.

So now royal engagements have kicked off for 2023, there will be lots to post about. As I’m also sure the Dastardly Duo in California won’t be able to keep their traps shut, there will be even more to go off shortly as well.

I did want to cover Harry’s interview with Stephen Colbert too, but may have to do this in the next segment as there was already plenty to write about this week!

Also— I’ve now set up an Instagram if you want to follow me for a few small (daily) laughs alongside the blog!

I’m over at: 📸 crownsofbritain

Until next time lovelies– stay safe, stay warm (if you’re in freezing Britain) and I will see you all again soon!

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