Royal Round Up: 25th November

Happy Monday all – the first two words of which are usually not in the same sentence together.

For the 99% of you who read this blog and have been patient with my absence over the last few weeks, I would like to take a moment to thank you for your kind words and support.
As I have said on Twitter, I’ve been really poorly with a virus I picked up in Norway that left me bedridden for two weeks – not to mention the fact that I had a vile outbreak of stress-related eczema across my fingers (that has essentially rendered me handicapped in recent times) and I also had my suitcase accidentally taken from the hotel luggage hold in Oslo, further adding to my stress.

Not yours

To the other 1% who have thought it appropriate to leave rude comments demanding blog entries and expressing their annoyance at my absence while I’ve been ill, please feel free to unsubscribe. Once again, this is a hobby – not a paid job. I write because I want to, not because I’m under obligation to. And I don’t want anybody ruining that for me.

If you cannot understand that if somebody is too ill to even hold a fork and feed themselves, that they are probably unlikely to be able to write a blog post, you are clearly beyond any kind of assistance and I don’t need that kind of negativity on my blog.

Otherwise – Norway was totally beautiful and a lovely visit!

I asked the palace if they’d take Meghan, but they said no. Sorry guys.

I apologise if some of the upcoming headers are somewhat old now, but not one to miss out on sharing my thoughts (and seeing as I started drafting it a while ago and figured I might as well post it anyway), I went with the flow.

Sooo…. let’s get stuck in:

Harry goes to Japan

It seems Harry’s wife’s behaviour is rubbing off on him- no, not just behaving like a self-entitled arsehole- but also flying to other countries for sporting events.

Yep, Holiday Harry jetted off to Japan for the Rugby World Cup final a couple of weeks ago where he met some people, shook some hands (while he had both free) and genuinely enjoyed not having his wife super-glued to his side.

“Bitches on tour, yah.”

And just at the moment that he was starting to seem vaguely like his old self again while talking to a gaggle of Japanese schoolgirls, he (somewhat predictably) went and fucked it up.

These polite, poor young girls who were super excited to meet the ginger tosser (for some reason), were swiftly told to ‘fuck off’ by Harry with one small gesture, as he held up his left hand to show them his wedding ring, all because they deigned to smile and wave at him.

“Don’t you watch the news? Haven’t you seen the limpet that’s always hanging off me?”

Harry – don’t behave like your Uncle Andrew; they are essentially children, not romantically interested in you and were merely showing fangirl adoration – you didn’t need to remind them that you’re legally bound to a witch.

“One just doesn’t want to get one’s arse handed to one when one gets home, you know.”

But going back to all things rugby, Harry – clearly delighted that his wife was so far behind in the UK and couldn’t bollock him for partying, actually decided to have a little fun and even had…. a beer.

One onlooker said that they were ‘surprised’ to see Harry having a drink, as Meghan had apparently put an alcohol ban on him while she was “pregnant” and told Harry that if she was going to suffer (for nine months), so was he (for eternity).

She also made sure he gave up smoking, went on a vegan diet and took up yoga. Basically she transformed him from Henry into Henrietta.

But knowing that his wife was safely some six thousand miles away at home and couldn’t barge in at any moment, rip the pint from his hand and frogmarch him home, he decided to let his hair down (what’s left of it, anyway) and have a pint and a chinwag with the lads.

Bloody hell – makes you wonder what lengths he goes to back here in England to pop into his local for a swift half without Meg finding out.

“Just popping out to the gym, honey!”

“Oh bugger, left my umbrella at the bank – back in ten!”

“Archie’s out of nappies again? Don’t worry dear, I’ll just nip to Tesco!”

Poor fucker. Gotta get it where you can, eh Haz?

Remembrance Day Events

Quir rightly, the Royal Family represented the UK at a large number of Remembrance Day events this year, all of which were carried out beautifully. (Apart from when you were there, Meghan.)

There was the appearance Harry and Meghan made at Westminster Abbey, which was somewhat embarassing, to be quite frank.

She even wore her best bathrobe for the occasion.

Meghan, who (for an actress) didn’t manage to do a good job convincing us that she knew what she was there to do, seemed to spend a large amount of time taking cues from the dude stood behind her. This even included the arduous task of walking a few steps forward and placing a cross in the wreath.

Yes – even approaching the wreath with a cross in her hand, and having seen clearly where her husband had placed one before her, she still had to look to the guy to her left for some help. Because she couldn’t possibly have used her braincells to work this one out right?

“The fuck does this go?”
“Over here?”
“On the right.”

“I said on the right, bitch.”

She then also did the strangest head bow I’ve ever seen in my life, whereby her head was lowered one minute, and then snapped back up dramatically in a split second, as though she’d been possessed by the Queen Mother.

I’m not too sure what happened here, but I imagine she was going for some kind of “Hollywood” thing, but ended up looking more like a puppet with a sting attached to it’s neck (and a rod up her arse).

She then turned her back on the poppies as the sidled back into line next to her husband, which is a big no-no, but we’ll let that one go– walking three steps forward, dropping an object and bowing her head all proved to be difficult tasks for her to master, so let’s not place too much expectation on her delicate little shoulders.

It’s ok Meghan, there’s always next year to out-shit yourself.

But it’s ok, guys – she still had more events to fuck things up at.

On the Saturday night, there was the Remembrance Concert at the Royal Albert Hall, where she thought it appropriate to show up in a dress where her cleavage was practically pressed up against everyone’s noses.

“For the fallen, y’all!”

And of course, she made sure her hand was on her stomach again – can’t miss a big opportunity to hint that you’re pregnant, eh Megs? Or maybe it was the dodgy dinner from the McDonalds drive thru on the way in playing havoc on her intestines?

“Don’t happen to know where the bogs are, do you?”

But despite the ugly, boaty and inappropriate dress, stomach-clutching and scary gurning, Megs’s biggest test at hiding her true feelings came when she realised how far away her and her darling hubby were sat from the Real Royal Family.

“Wills, have you seen how far back they are?!”
“I know – they might as well be in LA!”

“Pair of fuckers.”

That one must’ve stung, but surely she understands?
I mean, her and Haz are usually twenty miles away from the rest of them anyway, so she should be used to it by now – and perhaps they were worried she’d do that weird thing with her head again or keep trying to get her plump midriff into every photo, so they made the necessary changes to the seating plan.

“As long as she’s not sittin’ near me, I ain’t arsed.”

And then it was Sunday, and the traditional appearance made by the BRF at the Cenotaph on White Hall, where wreaths are laid by members of the family, and a two-minute silence is held.

Her Majesty The Queen was joined by The Duchess of Cornwall and The Duchess of Cambridge on one balcony (as the current Queen and two future Queen Consorts)…

while Meghan was left to bother Sophie, Countess of Wessex on another – which I’m sure Soph was fucking thrilled with.

“No. Do NOT fucking speak to me.”

Meghan’s attire was semi-ok; she actually managed to stick to the colour theme of ‘black’ with little assistance, even if the coat was too large and the hat looked like something my grandmother would wear to sit in the sun.

And she even tried her hardest with the solemn expressions too – even if they do look more like she is trying to hold in a fart, or, y’know, remember which war they were even commemorating.

“Was it maybe the Gulf War, because – oh never mind, I’ve spotted a camera.”

Whatever happened on the Wessex/Sussex balcony, I’ll bet Kate was just super pleased she wasn’t stuck with Hollywood Ho on her own one.

“Just keep her far away from me or you’ll be commemorating World War 3 next.”

Windsor Coffee Morning

As if the residents of Windsor hadn’t suffered enough being subjected to weddings, christenings and a shitload of ridiculous orders from these two morons, they added insult to injury by showing up at a coffee morning for the Coldstream Guards and their families to talk more about themselves – and of course, show their love for the kids.

“Ok, let go of me and keep that bloody chocolate muffin away from my weave and Givenchy shirt please.”

Joining other families, who probably didn’t give a shit about their presence, the two of them proceeded to provide updates on Archie (which still, nobody gave a shit about).

But despite no one asking, they still proceeded to tell everyone that Archie now ‘had two teeth’ in his lower row of gums.

And that he has also started crawling!

Yes – can you believe it? At six months old, he is doing what other babies his age do! He eats, sleeps, crawls and shits! How wonderful to receive this exciting piece of information – I’ll sleep well tonight now.

And honestly, what is with the hypocrisy of these two? Didn’t you just earlier this year tell your neighbours to ‘get the fuck away’ from you and NOT approach you for a conversation if they saw you in the street? Or ask to see Archie? And now you’re trying to have a chat with everyone like you’re all best pals?

I can only imagine what their neighbours were thinking of them.

“When are you going to piss off back to Kensington?”

Christmas in LA?

So the original story was that Haz and Megs were heading to California for Thanksgiving this year as part of their six-week break, so that Archie could be introduced to American traditions (or some shit), but said story has apparently since changed.

Now, it has emerged that Doria will spend Thanksgiving in the UK instead and that the Sussexes will now go to the USA for Christmas, foregoing the standard Sandringham practice.

Well… there are a couple of issues with this picture.
The first one being… we don’t fucking celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK?

Secondly, in keeping with the above, Meghan and her mother are apparently going to hand out ‘Thanksgiving’ meals to the homeless, at some shelter somewhere.

After drafting the rough version of this post (some two weeks ago now), it has since changed (yet again) to a story that tells us that Harry and Meghan will now actually be attending Christmas at Sandringham after ‘a change of plans’.

Honestly, we were all looking forward to a six-week break. No new photos of Prat 1 and Prat 2 gurning and holding hands. The flag flies high above Buckingham Palace. Children can laugh and play in the streets again…. Peace and quiet. Shattered.

I’m really starting to feel at this point that it’s going to take a specially commissioned rocket to get rid of these two.

Love, NASA xo

Last appearance before break

And then we come to Holiday Harry’s ‘last appearance’ before his non-break with his family.

The visit was for charity OnSide, where dear old Hazza presented an award onstage at the Health and Wellbeing awards – seemingly the only task he undertakes these days.

“I know yah, I’m surprised I turned up too.”

He then went on to talk about Greta Thunberg, praising her for her strikes outside Swedish parliament last year, in view of protecting the climate.

Well, I’m sure Greta was just thrilled at being mentioned by Haz – a man who loves taking private jets all over the globe when it’s just himself, his wife and his baby travelling and flies to other countries for a two-hour sporting event.

“No thanks, dude.”

I’m sure the audience and charities in attendance were even more thrilled that Harry, probably getting dressed quickly in a hungover stupor, appears to have picked up some trousers from the washing basket that had remnants of last night’s kebab on them.

Or maybe he just got too excited about being out without his wife?

I guess if it’s not a red carpet event with Jay-Z and Beyonce, it’s just not worth the effort, huh?

Well of course a lot more than that has happened over the last few weeks, a lot more will occur and I fully intend to start afresh next weekend with more royal shenanigans.

Until then, sit tight, take it easy and I’ll see you next weekend!

Royal Round Up: 3rd November

Evening all!

I know I said there may be a slight delay, but keen not to disappoint, I grounded my arse on the sofa with some dinner and a glass of wine and ploughed on through.

Almost there! Just a little… bit.. more!

It’s later in the day than usual, but keen not to keep you waiting any longer, let’s dive on in!

Meghan begged to be in the tabloids

So last weekend, literally just after I posted the last RRU, a story broke in the press about Meghan allegedly ‘begging’ Katie Hind from The Mail On Sunday to put her in the tabloids six years ago, and about three years before she trapped Prince Harry.

Quelle fucking surprise

I mean really, assuming this is true (and I imagine it is, as I don’t think Katie Hind would put herself in the media firing line unnecessarily), none of us are particularly surprised by this– especially since it was well known that Meg also ‘begged’ a lot of her UK connections to set her up with a ‘rich British dude’ or some shit.

But anyway, the story was that dear old Meghan told Katie to write ‘something, anything’ about her in order to make sure she was mentioned in the UK tabloids – because it was around this time that Meghan realised the US press didn’t give a flying one about her, so she needed to move onto pastures new.

“Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you! Who’s next?” – Meghan leaving the USA media behind and boarding her flight for Heathrow

Apparently Meghan’s publicist, who by all accounts sounds as ferocious as Meghan, begged Katie to meet Meghan for a drink in Soho, London– where Meggers made it clear to Katie that she’d be happy for even a ‘quick mention’ at the end of one of Katie’s weekly column.

Meghan even went as far as to ask Katie to set her up with footballer Ashley Cole, who as we all know was married to Cheryl (formerly) Cole and proceeded to shag a tonne of women while they were together, and allegedly, occasionally beat Cheryl up.
I get that he’s a footballer and has money but let’s face it, times are clearly fucking tough if you’re asking someone to set you up with Ashley bloody Cole.

But Katie quickly ‘squashed Meghan’s dreams of becoming a WAG’ (lol) when she told her how turbulent Ashley and Cheryl’s marriage was, leaving Meghan looking ‘disappointed’ – but probably leaving Ashley fucking relieved.

Actual footage of Ashley Cole trying to depart the UK

Katie needn’t have bothered; I don’t think Meghan had visions of her and Ashley holding hands on a porch somewhere in their 80s and watching their grandchildren play in the garden; I’m pretty sure she was planning on getting the ring, popping out a kid and leaving with half his bank account within two years. This ain’t Romeo and Juliet, Ms Hind.

Busted

I’m only left to assume that Meghan spiked Katie’s prosecco while she was in the bathroom, because Katie did in fact give Meghan a mention in her column and appears to have spun some bullshit about how it was MEG that turned down a date with ASHLEY, instead of the real story – that Meghan begged Katie and Katie saved both her and Ashley the embarassment by nipping it in the bud.

“Yeah, that didn’t fucking happen.”

In any case, all’s well that ends well and I’m sure Ashley is still counting his lucky stars over his narrow escape, while Meghan counts her divorce settlement dosh.

Everyone’s a winner!

Kate and Meghan make amends

I’m not totally buying this bullshit, but as it’s in the news, I may as well put in my two cents.

So The Daily Mail ran a story earlier this week that apparently Kate ‘reached out to Meghan’ after seeing the very sad instalment of The Meghan Show while the Sussexes were out in Africa.

Yeah and I’m the Pope

Kate, who clearly hasn’t been able to stand Meghan for the last three years but is now apparently busting her arse to help her, told Meghan that ‘all royals go through a bad patch’ and that she will eventually get through it – along with providing her advice on how to improve her image.

I mean – I’m sure the real execution of this was a little nicer

Woah there, Catherine; firstly, if there’s one thing we’ve learnt over the years, it’s that Meghan will essentially use all advice given as toilet paper, while she attempts to force out tears on camera about how ‘difficult’ life is in her castle and on the taxpayers’ dime.
Because she’s about as allergic to listening as she is to closing her trap and avoiding the cameras. Best not to waste your time.

Secondly, I’m just not buying it for the more logical reasons.

You really mean to tell me that Catherine and Meghan haven’t been close at all for the last three years, but Meghan gives some bullshit sob story (while she’s meant to be representing the UK abroad) and suddenly Catherine’s over there with a bundt cake and a pack of tissues, ready to wave her magic wand over Meghan’s life?

You’d be better off hitting her on the fucking head with it

Like Kate would be interested in the whinings of a self-serving narcissist, when she went through all that and more without any real public support for years; and instead of using a royal tour as an opportunity to make things about herself, she instead belted up and moulded her image to that of a future Queen, and one the UK could be proud of.

Honestly, if Kate went round to Meghan’s at any point, it was probably to strangle her with the charger cord of that new ‘eco-friendly’ car Haz and Megs bought.

“Stop fucking things up bitch, you’re making us ALL look shit!”

I’m not dismissing it outright, but given the backstory of these two, and on account of the fact that Kate doesn’t appear to be an idiot, I’m getting strong hints of ‘Meghan’s PR Team‘ and slight tones of ‘Pile Of Bullshit‘ on this one.

MPs back Meghan

Fuck me, could it get anymore crazy?

Yes, apparently our British MPs wrote Meghan a letter, demonstrating their ‘support’ for her during this ‘rough time in her life’; because it’s not as if they have anything more pressing to worry about at the moment, like Brexit, frayed international relations and having that twat Boris Johnson at the helm of things, is it?

And of course, keen to keep her name in the newspapers, Meghan called them to ‘thank them for their support’ – while she tried to remember whose names to ask for when she rang, having forgotten who had penned the letter after Harry used it as toilet paper by mistake in the middle of the night.

“Don’t get so vexed Meghan – I thought it was the Andrex, yah.”

Let’s face it, this is total shite. These MPs likely also couldn’t give a rat’s arse about Meghan and her moaning – it’s probably more related to the fact that we are about to go into a General Election next month, and all MPs are looking to drum up as much popularity as they can for their own parties before such time.

Meghan, too dense to see that she is being played at her own game, apparently sat and talked on the phone with MP Holly Lynch, discussing ‘the pressures of being a public figure’ (yeah ok hun) and ‘the difficulties of juggling childcare’.

Yes, Meghan Markle, a British Royal Duchess with access to the public purse and a Prince for a husband, apparently can’t find sufficient childcare for her baby…
Is she having a bloody laugh? Doesn’t she have a nanny? Or has she fucked off too already?

Yes Meghan, I’m sure that 7-quid an hour wage from stacking shelves at Sainsbury’s makes it super difficult to find a babysitter for Archie when you’re working 14-hour days.

“Great, now I can’t afford the electric bill, yah.”

Or perhaps what she meant was that everybody walks out because she’s such a bloody nightmare to work for, so yes, if that’s the case, I see what the problem might be here.

Otherwise – put a sock in it, love.

Meghan tries to be relatable (again)

Ever the busy ‘working woman’, and of course desperate to be out in the tabloids constantly, Meghan this week went to do yet more cooking with yet more under-privileged folk, to show just how much her and Mother Theresa have in common.

“I know babes, I’m just like you – except richer and thinner.”

Meghan visited Luminary Bakery in Camden– a place of work for women who have suffered addiction issues, domestic violence and other similar plights that Meghan would have no understanding of at all, but it’s the thought that counts, I guess.

Because her skills likely don’t extend much past the bedroom or kitchen (and even the latter is questionable considering her idea of a gourmet meal is avocado on toast), Meghan got down to doing some baking with the women, even including her special ingredient:

“So this is my go-to ingredient for most dishes, although I’m running low now… it’s called Harry Du Balles.”

But of course, as ever, no royal engagement for Mrs Sussex is complete without her turning it into a life story about herself. She took this opportunity to tell yet more people, who have fuck all in common with her, just how ‘alike’ they are after all!
(Except she is richer, more famous, married to a Prince and lives in a royal residence. But hey ho, these are just technicalities.)

Meghan very kindly told everybody not to stand on ceremony for her arrival (like they fucking were, anyway), because even though she is “just like so important yah”, “at the end of the day, we are all just women.”

Yeah thanks for letting me know I have a vagina, Meghan – I had no clue after twenty six years, after all.

Ever the eloquent speaker, she went on to say “people have this expectation when I’m coming somewhere, so I’m like, let’s just be really relaxed, keep everyone nice and chilled.”

“Keep them nice and chilled”? They’re not bottles of fucking Pinot Grigio, hun.

And “like”, “chilled”…. The Queen Mother would be turning in her grave knowing that a member of the Royal Family actually speaks like this publicly.

“Honestly, where the fuck did you find this one?”

Secondly, Meghan – nobody expects shit from you, so please don’t flatter yourself.

Apart from maybe having you tie your hair up before you cook anything; because being the ‘seasoned chef’ that you are, you’d think you’d know by now that pinning your weave back before you cook is Rule Number One… and while you yourself might value your strands of DNA as gold dust, I can assure you that nobody wants to find one in their lemon meringue.

They’re all wondering which one has the hair in their cake

Kate has a girls night out

G’wan Kate, ya bad bitch

Yep, it was said that just a day or two ago, Catherine got together with the other mums from George and Charlotte’s school to ‘have a few glasses of wine and a natter’ in Kensington, at The Hollywood Arms – a lowkey venue on the high street.

The drinks party served as a ‘meet and greet’ between the parents, where Catherine was able to ‘hang out freely’ with her new friends and ‘enjoy a few drinks’ in relative privacy, having entered the party through a ‘secret door’ to the bar’s alley that was actually commissioned by Prince Harry some years ago, back when he was actually a laugh and not a sad sack of shite.

Catherine was apparently ‘relaxed’ while drinking with her new pals – and how she doesn’t slip up and say too much she shouldn’t after a few glasses of wine (like I frequently do), I don’t know. Before going out, I’m all:

And after my third Merlot, it’s more like:

In any case, I guess that secret door to the Kensington Palace grounds came in handy once a slightly pissed Kate stumbled into a hedge while attempting to head toward the palace after a few too many Cab Savs, likely with a couple of security officers having to hold her up:

“Get your hands off me – one can bloody walk unaided, you know.”

But not before she kicked off her heels, walked down the street barefoot and grabbed a kebab on the high street:

“Oi. Where’s my fucking change?”

And then proceeded to bang on the front door for Prince William to open it (as she’d “lost her sodding keys again”), and then woke all her children up by blaring House music at midnight, much to William’s annoyance.

“Ready Wills? Turn that shit UP.”

Ok, quite clearly that didn’t happen (we don’t think), but I’d have fucking loved it if it did. One of us? You bet!

Ok ladies and gents – early warning that next week’s blog may possibly be a little late; I am on a short break to Norway next Saturday for a few days, so that causes a bit of an issue where the blog is concerned, but as always, I will endeavour to have it up as soon as possible.

In the meantime, have a fab week, be good and I’ll see you all for another instalment next week!

Royal Round-Up: 27th October

Happy Sunday everyone!

I’ve just finished penning this after starting it on Friday… admittedly, at work, when I was, y’know, supposed to be working. It was almost in the bag, but then people kept coming to my desk with bullshit and I got sidetracked.

Will you all just piss off – can’t you see I’m trying to write my blog at work?!

Nevertheless – I finally made it and there was a little bit to get through this week, so get comfortable and let’s get cracking!

The reaction to Harry and Meghan’s documentary

So things didn’t go quite as well as Harry and Meghan had anticipated with their little attention-and-sympathy-seeking interview in Africa; in what was an attempt to have people flood in with an outpouring of love for the “royal” couple, it was instead met with an army of pissed-off taxpayers, loaded with pitchforks.

People, quite rightly, couldn’t believe that these two pillocks had the fucking nerve to whine about how tough they had it – simply because they are talked about in the press and people take their photo sometimes. I mean – it’s not as though there are children, y’know, starving in Africa or anything, right?

If either of them had a brain-cell between them and weren’t so desperate for attention, they’d probably have worked out long before they even stood in front of the cameras that this was going to backfire massively.

I mean – whining about how rich, lucky and privileged you are in front of the entire world, while you were meant to be on a royal tour focusing on charity work?

Meghan, not quite understanding the point of the tour

The second tidal wave of backlash washed over Hurricane Harkle on Thursday night, when Prince Charles’s documentary about his Duchy estate aired– and much to the Sussexes’ surprise, was actually about the work that Prince Charles does, and NOT him moaning about his life.

Meghan finally got round to watching the documentary, I see

People were quick to jump on Twitter and tell Harry and Meghan, quite rightly, that this is how a true royal behaves – not turning a royal tour into a sad little journal entry from your life, whining about how your tiara just isn’t quite shiny enough for your liking.

All in all, much like many of Meghan’s onscreen works, this was a massive flop– and not one that even gained them any popularity. Let’s hope Markle’s inevitable divorce interview attracts higher viewer ratings and sympathy.

“Just gimme three years, I’ll see you all on Oprah.”

Harry and Meghan are depressed

Yep – some media tabloids reported this week that the Sussexes are “unhappy” and “miserable” in the public eye and are reaching “breaking point”. So fed up with the unacceptable notion that nobody actually gives a shit about them, and having not learnt anything from their flop of an interview, these two are continuing to do their best impression of Eeyore to drum up even more sympathy.

Harry and Meghan once their titles and wealth are taken away

Once again, the same question is asked: if you’re so bloody fed up with your royal lives, why don’t you both piss off and leave your titles at the door?

You’re not the future King and Queen.
You haven’t produced any heirs to the throne.
In fact, you’re about as likely as I am to park your arses on the throne at this point.
So what exactly is stopping you both from leaving the UK and the Royal Family?

Oh, right – I know. Your sense of self-entitlement.

Harry isn’t (that) stupid (I don’t think); he must know on some level Meg would never have looked twice at his fuzzy ginger head had he not been born a Prince of Britain, so he also knows that if the titles go, so does the wife.
Show of hands who actually thinks that Meghan would stick around if her “Duchess of Sussex” title was removed? My arse. She’d be out of Frogmore faster than you can say “the crown jewels.”

“Meghan – you will no longer be known as HRH The Duchess of Sussex”

Or maybe he hasn’t actually realised this yet, but don’t worry – he might get the hint when Meg’s packing her suitcase ten minutes after the Queen tells them they will be no longer be known as “Your Royal Highness”.

“Oh, fuck off Harry – call Virgin Atlantic and tell them I’m on my way.”

And then… predictably.. the Diana card is played – one that Harry has used so many times, you can’t even see the digits on it anymore. Yep – “Prince Harry faces fresh hell after retracing his mother’s steps in Botswana.”

Just a real shame he didn’t step on one of the mines

I don’t see how trying to imitate your mother walking through a field can make you feel “fresh pain”, especially as you’ve chosen to do it voluntarily and then whine about it, but my only advice in this case would be:

And what of Meghan? Yes, apparently she is “deeply unhappy” too.

“You don’t understand Thomas yah, I spend every night curled up in the East Wing en-suite, lying amongst my Cartier diamonds and crying into my champagne…. yah.”

She told Tom Brownoser-by that she was, at this point, “existing” and not “living”.

Well, blow me down; “existing and not living” as a definition for me are those who are waiting to die in a hospice. Or those locked up in prison. Or those who are hooked up to a life support machine; the body is there, but the spirit is gone.

“Existing” is not flying to Italy for weddings. It is not taking a private jet to Spain and France for your holidays. It is not staying in a £25,000-a-week villa. It is not attending movie premieres in London. It is not flying a private jet to NYC for your baby shower and shutting down the whole hotel for it. It is not being allowed to marry a Prince at Windsor Castle. It is not riding around in a horse-drawn carriage for your wedding procession. It is not having the Archbishop of Canterbury christen your child. It is not crossing the Atlantic for a tennis game. It is not spending millions of pounds (that aren’t yours) on renovating one of your many homes.

Honey, if by now you do not see this as ‘living’, then you really are beyond help and I suggest you relinquish everything at once and move away– because if you aren’t happy with your (rather large) lot now, you never will be. And the same goes for your husband, too.

Harry and Meghan take a break

From what, I don’t know, but we may as well roll with it…

Yes, apparently from mid November onwards, Meghan and Harry will be taking a ‘6-week break’ from royal engagements (like they do that many anyway) to ‘focus on themselves and their family.’

Apparently Thing 1 and Thing Two (and Thing Arch-Three) are hauling their arses over to Los Angeles for a couple of weeks to celebrate Thanksgiving with Meg’s mum Doria – the only member of her family she hasn’t cut out (besides Harry and Archie – yet).

One also suspects (and hopes) they may use this time to look for a house in LA, so that they can finally bugger off and leave us all in peace.

I do feel though that this “break” may have been under the palace’s instruction: let’s face it, Dipshit 1 and Dipshit 2 wouldn’t understand that they need to back off if the Queen physically hit them over the head with a blunt object, so we know they didn’t reach this conclusion on their own.

Her Majesty The Queen issues a warning

Allegedly the two of them “need time and space to focus on their family”… because apparently at the moment, Harry’s 9 to 5 job at Tesco and Meghan’s part-time work cleaning tables at Starbucks is getting in the way of that.

“I’ve told you I’m not doing overtime today, yah – one needs to get home to Archie.”

I mean really, what is it they do all day anyway apart from sit on their arses and find new things to moan about? I’d say they’d have plenty of time to focus on their family if they spent less energy on trying to manipulate the press and fob off the public.

In any case, we all know that we’re not going to be lucky enough to get a break from them; they’ll be in the press constantly with some story or another, with their own media machine working overtime to churn out yet more crap.

“Yeah, I said WE were taking a break, I didn’t say shit about our PR team.”

And if Meghan doesn’t organise wall-to-wall paparazzi to photograph her, Harry and Archie touching down at LAX, then I am Gandhi’s left bollock.

A Sussex break? My royal arse.

Meghan attends a charity event

After complaining about the attention she receives, Meghan made it her mission to be seen in public as many times this week as possible. Because, you know, cameras.

“Jesus, I just HATE being the centre of attention… but your spotlight isn’t bright enough, just FYI.”

I have to admit, and I know it’s bad, but I didn’t even bother reading what the event was, because I physically couldn’t take scrolling through a million photos of Markle gurning, but all I needed to know and saw was that Markle behaved like a prize tool as per.

First of all, what was going on with the hair? Looking at her at first glance, I’d say she was trying to imitate Kate with this entire look and failing miserably. For some reason, she kept her hair covering at least one eye at all times – sort of like a spaniel when it’s being told off.

Top marks for imitation hun

Secondly, the mannerisms and behaviour was not that of someone who hates attention and is feeling “vulnerable”. She was grinning so hard at one point, I thought her face was going to crack. She was absolutely loving it.

“God, I just hate this life.”

And then – came the most irritating moment of the entire night: the Curtsy-Hug.

For some unknown reason, this woman tried to curtsy to some old slapper onstage, where said slapper Me-again Markle took the opportunity to look as “humble” as possible by blocking the woman’s curtsy with a hug.

For as much as I use this site, I still can’t work out how to insert videos (or whether or not it is indeed possible), but I’d urge you to google it… that clip is something that needs to be witnessed, largely to see the way Meghan does it. Her movements are SO exaggerated, ensuring that the cameras picked up every last glimmer of her looking as charitable as possible.

In that third photo, this chick could’ve taken one for Team GB and kneed her in the vagina: she was literally inches away. Missed opportunity.

Meghan, shaking her head so emphatically at the woman that her wig nearly flew off, was clearly trying to do her “I’m no more important than you, so please don’t curtsy to me. You shouldn’t feel the need to curtsy to me!!!”

A sentiment I can actually share

It’s ok, love – when you’re divorced, back in LA and without anybody to give a shit about you, you’ll be lucky if anybody tries to spit on you, let alone curtsy to you then – of that you can be sure.

“Meghan Markle?”

Kate shops at Sainsbury’s

Let’s have a little bit of Cambridge to break up the other bullshit: yep, The Duchess of Cambridge was spotted at a Sainsbury’s in Norfolk with Prince George and Princess Charlotte during the week, where the family were spending the half term holidays.

As usual, other shoppers commented on how “normal” and “down to earth” the Duchess was, as Catherine browsed the racks of the store looking for Halloween costumes for George and Charlotte.

If Sainsbury’s were out of costumes, they could always go as Uncle Harry and Aunt Meghan: all they need is a bad wig and a male mannequin with no balls.

Upon reaching the check out area, onlookers were politely told by Catherine’s security not to take photographs of her and the children – which we can all understand.

I mean, I wouldn’t want somebody to take photos of me while I bought bog roll and tampons either, and my feeling is that the Duchess of Cambridge shares that sentiment.

“Come along, children – let’s haul royal arse.”

This isn’t the first time the Duchess and her children have been spotted in the area; they were seen shopping at store The Range last year at Christmas, as Catherine hunted for last-minute stocking fillers for her family.

I don’t believe anybody got photos of this, but Catherine was apparently heard “calmly” trying to round her two eldest children up as they ran riot in the store.

Apparently Catherine wanted to stop Charlotte from sitting on the floor, and was all:

When she probably wanted to be more like:

I’m waiting for the day that George, Charlotte and Louis really piss Kate off in Tesco’s or something, and she finally loses her shit chav-style – cockney accent and everything.

Kate finally loses it in the frozen veg aisle

I know it’s not likely to ever happen, but let’s be real, we’d all pay good money to see that.

Meghan lets Harry out of the house

Later on in the week, Meghan had an engagement to discuss some shit about gender equality, where she very kindly let her lapdog husband tag along.

“Come on Harry – walkies!”

Meghan, very clearly believing she was Head Bitch In Charge, even thanked those around her at the event for letting her husband “crash the party”.

“Thanks so much for letting my husband crash the event!”

“Yeah bitch, just like the time you crashed Inskip’s wedding in Jamaica.”

She also said that “gender equality is also very key to the way my husband feels” – which made me snort with laughter; he doesn’t look like he knows anything at this point, let alone how he feels:

“Just need a beer and a ciggie, to be honest”

And judging by Harry’s expressions, his wife is not only wearing the trousers in this marriage, but has his balls stitched on as buttons as well:

I’d wager that gender equality is not a thing in that household and at this point, Harry is about as far back from the spotlight as Meghan’s hairline was at this event.

I’d give the ratty weave a break, love

But of course, I won’t deny that Meghan is a total expert on the subject: she’s been married to more than one dude, so has had a lot of experience keeping men in line and following her around like she’s the Pied Piper.

She also felt that she had to marry a rich and famous man in order to elevate her status and create a name for herself, so it’s real cute that people are sat there listening to a glorified gold-digger about what’s right and wrong in this life.

And to top it all, she wore a low cut jumper with her tits practically hanging out – y’know – for womankind.

You’re not at Soho House anymore, love – put a fucking polo neck on

Maybe next time people strip off for an Extinction Rebellion protest, she can join them – her morals seem to be in exactly the same place, I.e. somewhere up her arse.

One thing that did surprise me though was that she was actually able to walk unaided from the car to the venue without hanging off Harry. Yes – for possibly the first time ever – they did not hold hands on an official engagement.

I declare this an annual holiday throughout the Commonwealth Realms!

Anyway folks, that’s all for this week; I’m sure this coming one will bring plenty more fuckery for me to take the piss out of – and honestly, I can’t wait.

Until then, my lovelies – have a fab week, Happy Halloween for Thursday and I’ll see you all next weekend!

Royal round-up: 19th October

Happy Saturday, all!

We’re a bit earlier with proceedings this week, but as I know I’m going to be a bit busy tomorrow, I didn’t want to let you all down in regards to postings, so got my arse in gear a little earlier this time round.

It’s been a very busy week for royalty (oh, and Harry and Meghan), therefore this is a bit of a lengthy one.

So pour yourself a drink, get comfy on the sofa and let’s review the week’s highlights!

The Cambridges take Pakistan

One good thing to emerge and distract us all from the Sussex Shit Show.

Yep, William and Catherine, The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, undertook a four-day royal tour of Pakistan earlier this week, further doing us all proud and allowing us to breathe a sigh of relief that William was born before Harry.

I was particularly impressed with Catherine really embracing the trip and making a real effort to don the traditional clothing (which she looked totally amazing in, by the way).

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“What d’ya think babes, shall we convert to Islam? I look well bangin’ in a headscarf, innit.”

Can you imagine Meghan being told she needed to wear a salwar kameez?

And while we’re mentioning Mrs Sussex, I’d like to take this opportunity to draw everyone’s attention to how a headscarf should be worn in a place of worship vs. how it definitely should not be fucking worn:

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Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge (left) and some washer-woman from Lahore (right)

Yes, take note Meghan. The way yours was done up is reminiscent of how I cover my head with my own scarf when it’s raining and I’ve forgotten my umbrella.

But despite the Sussexes successes, the Cambridges had a few scary moments though, when their aircraft that departed from Lahore back to Islamabad hit really rough turbulence during a storm, and was forced to abort TWO landings, eventually heading back to Lahore, where they had originally departed from.

That was the story from the journalists onboard anyway, but for a brief second, I did wonder if Meghan and Harry had maybe tampered with the aircraft.

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…fuck with the second-in-line to the throne’s aircraft”

The Duke of Cambridge joked that it was “really scary”, largely due to the fact that he “spilt his Vodka tonic” during the turbulence.

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Protecting the alcohol during turbulence – a man after my own heart.

The couple eventually returned to Islamabad the next morning before flying back on to London, but not before using their extra time in Lahore usefully, and spending another two hours at the orphanage they had visited earlier in the week.

Overall, a hugely successful tour for The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge; I always admire their willingess and enthusiasm to get involved in everything and how warm and approachable they always are with everyone. I’m sure they had a cracking time out there.

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“The ball is Meghan’s head, the ball is Meghan’s head…”

Harry holds Archie
Like an undiffused bomb out in Afghanistan, but we’ll get to that later.

Yes, Sussex fans lost their minds earlier this week when “unseen” photos emerged of Prince Harry holding his son Archie in Africa, for the second time ever in public.
It was apparently truly shocking and front page news – to see a father hold his own kid.

I too lost my mind – but for very different reasons. Yes folks, it is becoming more and more apparent that neither Sussex parent is spending much time with Sussex Spawn, as Harry appears to face the same difficulties as his wife when it comes to holding their 5-month-old son in a safe manner.

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Fucking hell Harry – he’s a baby, not a hand grenade – hold him properly

Maybe they’re trying to set a new trend of carrying your child halfway down your torso for 2020, or perhaps they just didn’t spend enough time practising in the mirror before going out into public that day, but I have no idea why they hold Archie like they’re about to drop him.

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Reckon they’ve been taking tips from this dude

While Harry struggled to wipe the “this-is-the-first-fucking-time-I’ve-held-him” look off his face, Meghan was also busy trying to play the ‘doting mother’, making sure the cameras caught her planting a kiss on her son’s head.
The problem, however, is that she was also unable to control her own face too, and the cameras picked up on her side-eyeing the photographers to make sure they had captured the ‘money shot’.

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“Did they get the shot yet? No? Well fucking hurry up – he smells of sick.”

I kind of feel sorry for Archie; he’s only a baby, and much like the Kardashian kids, is only really trotted out when he needs to be used as a prop to garner some popularity for his parents – something that appears to be fast-becoming a theme for them.

Spent too much money this month? Bring out Archie!
Pissed off the taxpayers by taking yet another private jet? Chuck us the baby!
Royal tour going to flop? This oughta do it.

Considering neither of them seem comfortable holding a child they have been parents to for nearly half a year, I’d wager that Archie lives with the nanny in a separate wing of Frogmore, only being handed over to mummy and daddy for public appearances and special occasions.

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“Ok – the three minute Christmas Cuddle Time is over now!”

Archie my love, for your sake, I hope you’re walking soon; that way you won’t have to worry about these two losers potentially dropping you on your head, and you can haul ass outta Windsor in the near future.

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“Yeah, are you out front in the car? Don’t worry about the toys, let’s just grab a few of the crown jewels and get the fuck outta here before my mum notices I’m gone.”

Harry has a breakdown at the WellChild awards

There was so much wrong with this entire appearance that I spent a good ten minutes looking at my laptop before even writing this sentence, not even knowing where to begin.

But I think I’ll start with Meghan’s outfit.

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The open mouth ain’t doing her any favours either, but I guess old habits die hard

Sussex fans got really excited about the fact that Meghan re-wore her green engagement dress (while for the sake of our taxes, the rest of us were just relieved she had actually reworn anything at all).

The dress itself is nice, but… (how do I put this?)… I think it may have fit better two years ago.
I know it sounds catty, but that dress was clinging to all the wrong places like she had stuffed herself into sausage casing instead of a standard midi dress – and something tells me she was aware of this, given the coat draped over her shoulders to (quite literally) cover her arse and what I can only assume was a case of savage VPL.

And honestly, I’m sick to the back teeth of this half-worn coat shit.
I put my coat on like that when I’m popping downstairs at work to go for a cigarette. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable it must be wearing it like that all night, and especially to a semi-formal event. Oh, and when you’re attending as a member of the royal family.

Moving on from this, the second thing that quite frankly, freaked the fuck out of me, was the momentary stomach-touch from Meghan before they entered the venue.

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Drop me the fuck out

Guys, I’m telling you, if this woman is pregnant again, I will personally contact NASA and ask them to strap me to whatever rocket is being launched into outer space next. I’m not mentally prepared to go through another 18 months of stomach holding and coat-flicking, and I’m sure you guys aren’t either.

I’ve sat, silently praying, and wondering of the other possible reasons she could’ve done this…

She could have just had a case of period bloating and cramping?

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“One’s period is really fucking with one’s stomach this month.”

Maybe she ate too many of the spices Will and Kate brought back from Pakistan and needed to get to a bog?

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“Bet it was that fucking garam masala Kate gave me.”

Or maybe the camera caught her in the split second she was smoothing down her dress?

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“Don’t mind me – one’s Spanx are just riding up one’s arse.”

But let’s not lie though; she’s 38, clearly looking to maximise her divorce settlement and knows her days within the BRF are numbered – realistically, and unfortunately, she’s probably pregnant again.

But without an announcement (yet), I won’t dwell on this too much – so let’s move on nicely to the main issue of the night: Harry seemingly losing his shit onstage.

Yes, Harry, talking about when Meghan was “newly knocked up” with Archie reduced him to tears (for some reason), sending the Sussex Sheep into meltdown about how “amazing” Harry was as a father, all because he was desperately seeking attention onstage.

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You may wanna learn how to actually hold him first before you start shovelling out your public declarations of love for him

Putting all that aside – wasn’t this an event for children? And yet again, one half of the Sussex duo sought to make it all about themselves (for possibly the millionth time this year).

Harry, so “overcome with emotion”, took a beat to compose himself, before continuing with his little speech all about himself and his family. I have to say, I’m slightly impressed – his acting skills are marginally better than that of his wife.

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She ain’t buying whatever shit he’s selling though

Or maybe Meghan really is pregnant again and his breakdown was out of sheer panic that Ikea may be running out of extra-padded cushions this time of year for Mrs Sussex to shove up her jumper for the second time.

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It’s alright mate – they still do the triple padding ones, they’re only 40 quid and still in stock at the Wembley store

Or maybe he just wasn’t used to standing without Meghan hanging off his arm? If that was the case, the lady next to him very kindly stepped in to offer her arm-grabbing services.

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“You good? Shall I fetch Meghan?”

Whatever it was, it was a total fucking embarassment.
A grown 35-year-old, former army man in floods of tears onstage because his wife (allegedly) pushed a baby out of her Royal box, like so many others before her?

Come off it, mate. Let’s hope Meghan gifts you your balls back in time for Christmas.

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– Archie giving his dad a pep talk

Harry and Meghan’s interview

This is another one that I do not know where to begin with.

Apparently, in what appears to be a desperate attempt to garner some much-needed sympathy for them, Harry and Meghan thought it would be a good idea to do a small interview while out in Africa with Tom Bradbury from ITV – because what better way to endear yourself to others than by whining about how difficult it is being so rich and famous.

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“It’s just so difficult being me, yah”

Harry, still clinging to the ‘my-mother-died-22-years-ago-therefore-give-me-a-free-pass-for-everything’ card, didn’t miss (yet another) opportunity to drop her name in there, hoping that it would do the trick to get an outpouring of love and support from the public he and his wife have spent three years sticking two fingers up at:

Every time I hear a camera click or see a camera flash, I am reminded of my mother.

(or some other shit to that effect).

Well you weren’t that arsed when you were dressing up as a Nazi or shagging strippers in Vegas hotel rooms, but go ahead, we’re listening.

Poor, poor little Prince Harry; such a prisoner of his own fame and wealth – with such real problems, such as his driver turning up ten minutes late to the palace last week or the personal chef forgetting to make his favourite dessert. A moment of silence for him, please – he really has it rough.

And then Meghan, silently wetting herself next to Prince Harry in panic in case she didn’t get a chance to speak, chimed in right on cue:

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“Alright ginger bollocks, that’s quite enough – can I bloody speak now?”

Ok, she didn’t say that, but she did say this:

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Maybe because we don’t give a shit

Hun, who the fuck is meant to ask you if you’re ok when you and your husband expressly told your neighbours that they’re not allowed to approach you if they see you in public? You can’t tell people to piss off and then whine that they actually have.
After that, I’d wager the last thing they give a shit about is your mental wellbeing, and I can’t say I blame them.

And then, it just got worse, really.

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Oh yeah it bloody well can

Meghan went on to tell us all how ‘vulnerable’ she felt – like she wasn’t the one who organised all those pap strolls in Toronto back in the day to make sure she was seen.

Or made sure the press knew every time she made a ‘secret’ trip to London to see Harry while they were still dating.

Or like she can’t sniff out a camera from ten miles away like a Great White Shark with a drop of blood in the ocean.

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Vulnerable my arse

She talked about the ‘pressures’ of being under the media spotlight as a new mother and having her every move documented – all while actually willingly standing in front of a camera to be documented for a worldwide broadcast.

Media outlets ran stories upon stories, claiming that during the interview, Meghan was ‘close to tears’ while speaking of her plight.

No, she wasn’t ‘close to tears’ (although she was trying damn hard to be). She was squeezing her face so hard at one point to try and feign emotion, I feared it was more likely she’d end up with a shart, rather than any signs of eye leakage.

Let’s just say, it isn’t a bloody mystery why she was never able to crack Hollywood.

I feel like the comments about the difficulties of being a new mother were to garner some support and sympathy from the people on MumsNet or something, in the hope they’d be all like:

But in reality, I fear people were more like:

No honey, nobody can relate to you; your husband is the Queen’s grandson, you live in a property just off Windsor Castle grounds, you have a round-the-clock nanny and your kid is seventh in line to the throne.
Something tells me you wouldn’t have much in common with the ladies in the local mums group.

All jokes aside, I have to say – I am utterly horrified that they chose their tour of Africa to broach this subject.

They chose to whine about their undeserved, over-privileged lives, while conducting a royal tour on behalf of the Queen to the most poverty-stricken continent on the planet?
Do either of these two consider whether or not they have a single brain cell between them before the open their mouths?

Honestly, this week has been so exhausting with these two, it’s physically given me a headache trying to document it all. If there is a pregnancy announcement next week and you don’t hear from me, it’s because I’ve been admitted to the local asylum.

But otherwise, Sussex Stupidness not withstanding, I will see all you lovelies next weekend! Have a great week!

Royal round-up: 13th October

Happy Sunday huns!

Sorry – I am getting really shit with updating this on a weekly basis, but I’m trying to keep up with it all. If only life would stop getting in the way.

But I’m here now – so let’s get cracking…

Meghan ties ribbons

And just like that, poverty ended and world peace was restored.

“Don’t you dare fucking post this one – my extensions are looking SHIT.”

In “honour” of the young woman who was brutally raped and murdered, Uyinene Mrwetyana, Meghan made sure that she was up front and centre to highlight her grief – though she probably hadn’t even heard the young woman’s story until she’d been briefed ten minutes before in the car, all while practicing her “solemn” expression in the rear view mirror.

“Does this look ok? No? Bit sadder? …Maybe I should lose the tiara?”

Yes – rather than posting a picture of the young woman who lost her life, Meghan made sure she was caught on camera doing something charitable – because what’s the point of doing something good if nobody’s looking, right Meg?

In fact – one look at their “Sussex royal” Instagram will show you that this tour was nothing more than the fucking Meghan show. Seriously – even on a post about visiting a place of worship, all Me-again has shared are photos of herself like it’s some kind of Vogue photo shoot, rather than a royal tour with charitable focuses.

“Felt like Diana in this one, might delete later lol”

I mean really, it would be laughable if it wasn’t so shocking. Almost every post was entirely about her. Even if Harry has gone somewhere solo, she still managed to find a way to shove her name and face in.

“Here to help the poor” – HRH Meghan 💋

“Here to campaign for women’s education but doesn’t this look like I’m on a catwalk?!”

“Let’s focus on the matter at hand but look how many people are taking photos of me!!!”

In fact, one article recently described them as “The Duchess of Sussex and her husband”.

If I’m not mistaken, the “Duchess” (lol) would not be a Duchess without marrying who she did, so something about that doesn’t read right, but maybe it’s just me.

I sense Harry getting Charles-jealous-of-Diana-vibes in 3, 2, 1…

Meghan Skypes Malawi

Which brings me nicely to my next point.

Yes, while Prince Harry buggered off to Malawi to patronise yet more sad folk, Meghan made sure her main man didn’t forget about her – or let others do so either.

On a visit to a school, Harry, obviously labouring under the same misapprehension as his wife that she is actually popular anywhere, made sure she stuck her ski-slope nose into proceedings by Skyping the poor girls in the classroom – most of whom probably don’t even have WiFi, let alone use it to look up shit about Meghan.

“Ladies – you don’t really need an education. Just a thick ginger with a title and even thicker wallet. You’re welcome!”

Harry expressed pride over his wife’s appearance – clearly proud she managed to type in the Skype password herself and everything, further proving that her own education (which daddy Markle paid for), had really come in handy.

Harry got into the spirit of things and even joined some morning prayers with one of the young students:

“Yes Angeline, say it with me: Dear Lord, please ensure that plane takes off out of Johannesburg without my wife onboard. I’ll say an extra Hail Mary for possible engine failure too.”

Prayer time over, Prince Harry interacted with some of the young students, discussing important current affairs:

“Fuck it – I’ll give you twenty quid to adopt Meghan. I’ll throw in Archie too for half price, if you’re interested?”

He even met the President of Malawi:

“YOU don’t want her, do you mate?”

And then interacted with more of the locals:

“But twenty quid is a lot of money where you’re from – final offer.”

All in all – a successful trip for the Duke of Sussex.

“Guess she’s fucking coming back to England, then.”

Harry and Meghan take legal action

Yes, these two plonkers are actually taking legal action against the Daily Mail (and whoever else they feel like) because they “write negative things about Meghan” and because the letter she wrote to her dad was released to the public – like that wasn’t her intention from the start.

I think somebody may need to also tell Harry that the DM don’t have anything favourable to say about anyone, but don’t let the truth get in the way of a lawsuit.

Harry actually even went as far as to release a lengthy statement, telling us how much his wife was “suffering” in private and how he “couldn’t stand by and watch it anymore.”

Doesn’t look like she’s suffering too much to me, mate.

If they’re looking for some form of sympathy after spending all our money and trying to shut us out at every turn, they’re not gonna get it here. Save for a few idiots, the public are fully done with these two.

“I know we’re arseholes and we spent all your money and told you all to fuck off, yah – but have a heart.”

Harry – neither you nor your wife know what “suffering” is.

You were born with a fucking silver spoon in your mouth and bar the loss of your mother, an event you’ve dined out on for 21 years and seem to think will get you a free pass for everything, you do not know what this truly means.

And what about Meghan The Humanitarian suing her own father? I thought, according to her, he was once the best thing since sliced bread?

“My father is a wonderful man who has done a lot for me, but since he is slowly exposing me for the total prick I am, it breaks my heart to tell you all that I will have to sue his arse in the near future. Please pay, I mean – pray, for me at this difficult time.”

This is one circus that isn’t going to come to an end anytime soon, but I’m finding it hilarious, so keep ’em coming I say!

Harry gets aggy with the press

Following a visit to a hospital in Malawi, Prince Harry was asked “what he hoped to gain by the short visit he made”, which nicely fucked him off.

“Don’t be getting up in one’s face, yah”

“Ask them” and gesturing back to the hospital with his thumb was his response – which was probably another way of saying “I haven’t got a fucking clue.”

“Couldn’t tell ya, mate. I just turn up, shake some hands and then head home for a nap.”

Any further questions from Harry were met with a dismissive response, with him essentially telling one reporter not to be a dick – before jumping into his chauffeur driven car, with security, water and AC waiting.

“Remind us of what SUFFERING is again, Harry m’boy.”

As usual, the Sussexes show their anger at being called out by anybody on their own behaviour. For two people who love looking in the mirror, they sure as hell don’t enjoy having one held up to them.

Let’s face it, she doesn’t look like a victim here – she looks like Anthony Joshua about to take on Conor McGregor.

But we can all thank our lucky stars – this “royal tour” is now over and hopefully the Spender Sussexes have retreated back into their cave for several months, where they can have all the “privacy” they want.

“Harry, I’ll be wife number two once this one dumps you!”

“Yeah, almost done with him love – just give me another year and one more kid.”

This coming week should be interesting and it’s a big one – The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge touch down in Pakistan tomorrow for a four-day tour of the country, and we all know they’re going to do us proud.

Let’s face it, we fucking need them to redeem the image after the Sussexes buggered it up yet again overseas.

I can’t wait! Until next weekend, my lovelies…

Royal round up: 29th September

Happy Sunday darlings! I’m back!
Just a quick note to apologise for the lack of posts recently; that irritating thing called life got in the way and I’ve had to deal with x, y and z – but fear not, all is good over here and I’m raring to go again.
Well – I think I’ve kept you waiting long enough my dears, so let’s dive right in!
Harry and Meghan in Africa 
Bloody hell, what a shitshow this has been, and an unnecessary one at that. 
As if they weren’t already in the news enough, Harry and Meghan (with Archie) flew to South Africa to… well… I’m still not sure of the point of the tour, but I’ll rack my brains and try and remember. 
Upon arrival into SA, Meghan made sure Archie was dressed for a ski trip in Switzerland, rather than arriving into a warm African climate – just like any good mother would. 
I know Meghan’s always had trouble dressing herself appropriately, and this tour was no exception, but I really didn’t think that issue would extend to her child. I mean really, how difficult can it be to dress a 5-month-old kid? 
I can only imagine this was her attempt at “hiding” her son from the cameras.
After their grand entrance, Harry and Meghan did more mundane shit, like waving, gurning and hugging children that looked like they really didn’t want to be touched by either of them. 

“Yeah, just keep your head where it is, or it’ll block the camera’s view of me.”

And in love with the sound of her own voice, Meghan took this opportunity to give a speech, which as per, she managed to make all about herself.

In a lovely condescending tone, she spoke all about how she was a member of the royal family now, but as a woman of colour, was still “there as their sister”.

“Remember – I am just like all of you… only richer, paler and more manipulative.”

I’ve gotta say, the folk sat behind her didn’t look too convinced by her feeble efforts to persuade them that she’s normal either – perhaps it was the dresses that cost thousands of pounds and all the private jet trips that did it.

“Da fuck she talking about?”

As the day wore on and after doing yet more pointless crap, Harry and Meghan got changed and embarked on what appears to be Meghan’s favourite activity at the moment – eating – all while carrying out her other favourite past time – talking about herself.

The two of them sat down to various snacks, where unlike in Morocco, Meg was actually polite enough to NOT refuse the food on offer this time, and got stuck in.

“Yeah, I did tell her to lay off the samosas.”

Then, apparently aware of all the bad press they’ve been getting and going against their previous “requests for privacy”, they trotted out the most powerful PR tool they could think of – their poor, defenceless baby. 

“Yeah – this oughta do it.”

With Britain apparently not good enough to see Archie first, Meghan very kindly “unveiled” her nearly 5-month-old son on a different continent, with Desmond Tutu of all people being the first to see the kid (and creepily enough, plant a kiss on his head). 

Are we sure HE’S not the father?

Archie then joined Harry, Meghan and Desmond for tea – where Meghan tried her hardest to look as convincing as she could, playing the part of a mother who spends a lot of time with her child. 

“Yeah, I know, babies are gross but it’s fucking funny because I’m not the only who normally wipes his arse.”

…and Archie tried his hardest to get somebody else to adopt him.

“I don’t give a shit about being seventh in line, dude – get me the FUCK outta here.”

Once the Sussexes were sure they’d generated enough positive PR, they then decided to promptly dump him back on the nanny and cracked on with their infantile hand holding and pointless engagements. 
On one such trip, they visited a mosque – where Meghan appeared to forget she had to take her shoes off when entering the holy building until prompted. 
Harry appeared to be unsure about removing his also – likely because he finally got a new pair without holes in and was nervous about having them stolen.

“But… I spent my whole week’s pocket money on these.”

On a side note, we all know I hate everything Meghan wears, but this outfit was a fucking travesty. 

When I saw the photos and before I read the headline, I genuinely thought it was a snippet promoting the latest season of “Breaking Amish”.

“So this morning, after we milked the cows and churned the butter, we gathered some berries and chopped some wood for the fire.”

And on top of that, I really do think somebody needed to tell Meghan that the whole point of wearing a headscarf is so that it covers as much of your head and your hair as possible. 

Not doing it right, babes

Yeah, somehow I don’t think Prophet Muhammad would’ve been too thrilled with that one. 

“All women must have their heads covered in a place of worship – apart from you, Britain’s Duchess of Sussex; you may have your ratty extensions hanging out.”

And then, Meghan undertook a solo engagement where she could be the centre of attention (which I’m sure gave her an orgasm)- and so, complete with unflattering jumpsuit, she went to visit an HIV group (probably to talk more about herself).

“Did you get the photos of me looking like I give a shit? Ok – are we done then?”

She was also kind enough to dump Archie’s cast-offs on them, because they should feel so bloody privileged to wear something a non-Prince once probably had explosive diarrhoea in. 

“No darling, don’t be silly, you don’t get the Givenchy one – but you can have this cheap crap someone sent us from Oxfam.”

Aw – a modern day Mother Theresa.

“Here – have this apple he didn’t finish for breakfast, too.”

Meg then proceeded to hold another middle finger up to the British public and told everyone that she “will always do what she wants to make herself happy” and “will fulfil her hearts desires while carrying out her royal duties”.

I mean, that’s not really breaking news, is it? It’d be like Gandhi telling you he was Indian. 
But with the final instalment of The Meghan Show over (for now), Harry headed out to other African countries alone (to do a bunch of shit I don’t care about) and Meghan further increased her already fat carbon footprint by jetting off to Johannesburg with Archie – where the weather is in it’s 80s, but she still wrapped him in a thick woollen blanket and jumper. 

“I sense a camera 100 feet away.”

More alarmingly, she still doesn’t appear to know how to carry her baby. With Archie crushed to her chest constantly, perhaps she’s permanently damaged his spine or simply isn’t aware of what babies are like at that age, but just in case she needs telling – babies can actually hold themselves upright at 5 months old. 

He doesn’t need to be held like a sack of spuds.
It isn’t dangerous for him to be able to move his head and look around. 
And a thick blanket isn’t needed in 80 degree heat. 
She reminds me of Nicole Kidman in The Others, where she’s constantly covering her kids’ heads because she believes they’re allergic to the light.

“STAY UNDER THE FUCKING BLANKET!”

Honestly, the way she hold him is the same way my university flatmates and I used to cart bags of wine back from Tesco before a big house party. 

“Defend that shit with your life – our student loans don’t come in for another two weeks.”

Meghan – please carry that child on your hip and let him look around and see the world a bit. I promise you it won’t kill him. But you crushing him to your chest just might. 
In older news.. 
There are a few items I missed the chance to weigh in on, and even though they are a few weeks old now, you know me – I wouldn’t like to the lose the opportunity. 
So – let’s zip through a few! 
Meghan’s trip to NYC
Ever the doting mother, Meghan dumped her small son on father and nanny to fly across the Atlantic and watch a tennis game – because apparently Serena Williams is more important than Archie. 

What’s with her passion for wearing denim to tennis matches?

Practising for her return to the acting scene, Meghan dished out her best “I’m so concerned for Serena” face (which was about as convincing as Oscar Pistorious telling us he didn’t intentionally murder his girlfriend).

“Praying for you Serena, but also – cameras.”

The only thing I was convinced of all evening was that Meghan had found her next target in Serena’s husband.

“Husband number four! 😍”

Meghan’s John Lewis visit 
To launch SmartWorks, Meghan visited a John Lewis store somewhere, where she got a chance to unleash her usual (poor) Diana-esque imitations – grinning, trying to look doe-eyed and hugging everybody (which is starting to verge on creepy).
All that aside, my favourite moment was when she said she had to get home as it was “feeding time for the baby”…
Forgetting the strange wording for a moment, which made it sound like she was chucking meat into a shark tank, and “the baby” (like he’s an inanimate object rather than her child) – someone please tell me what the hell she was talking about.
I feel like this was a desperate bid to convince people she’s breastfeeding, but as an actress, maybe she should be familiar with the term “plot hole”; this one being that she couldn’t possibly be nursing, as she had just spent three days in another country without her child.  

“Hey Meg, where’s Archie?”, “Lol, probably starving at home.”

Unless of course she’s actually a jersey cow and expressed enough milk to freeze and leave Harry with for three days, I’m gonna guess she’s not breastfeeding and I couldn’t give a tiny rat’s arse either way. There are many mums that don’t for whatever reason – but you don’t need to lie about it. 

“Here, Harry – whack this in the freezer.”

Please, love – put a sock in it. 
Alright my lovelies – I’m off to Cornwall next Saturday for a long weekend, so with a five hour train journey on my hands, I’ll try and get as much writing done as possible for the next instalment.
In the meantime, have a lovely week, thanks again for your patience with the posts and I’ll see you all next weekend! 💖

Royal round-up: 1st September

Happy Sunday and 1st September all! Hope everyone’s had a good week.
I’ve come back from France at least a stone heavier I’m sure, but ten times more relaxed. Thank you all for your birthday and good holiday wishes – I had a truly lovely week!

I see some fuckery has been afoot with the Sussexes while I’ve been away (what’s new), so oui oui, I am ready – let’s take a look!


Thomas Markle speaks out (again)
I’m feeling really sorry for this guy now.

Yesterday, the Daily Mail published an interview with Thomas Markle and quite frankly, I agree with every last word of what the man said.

He first expressed sadness at not having met his four-month-old grandson, which is perfectly understandable. He questioned why it was he couldn’t meet him (because his daughter is a selfish bitch, perhaps?) and why he hadn’t even met his son-in-law yet either (see previous answer). 

He started out all heartfelt and sad… and then.. he started dragging Meghan (by the weave – and several yards).

First off, he called her out on her bullshit during the Oceania tour when she told everyone that she paid her own way through university – which I was totally there for.

“And one day, maybe you too can be like me; a social-climbing, dad-and-dog -abandoning, spoilt, entitled, compulsive liar.”

Thomas quickly set the record straight by telling the DM that he paid every single penny toward his daughter’s education and that she was essentially a liar and talking out of her arse.

He then talked about how close the two of them were; he’d come back from work when she was a baby and carry her around the house – they’d go to sports games, he’d drive her to auditions, etc. Basically, he was a normal dad – which clearly didn’t cut it for little old “Meggie”, as he affectionately called his moronic daughter. 

I’ve got a few other nicknames for you to choose from if you’d like, pal

He talked of how he had reached out to her financial advisor in LA with a birthday card for her and got no response… but I wouldn’t feel too bad about that one, Thomas – it’s a good chance they were sacked for telling her she should spend less money. 
Let’s face it, whoever’s advising her isn’t doing a very good job of it. 

And then – the cherry on the cake; he said he didn’t believe her haters were racists and that our annoyance probably stems from Meghan and Harry’s blatant hypocrisy.

Standing ovation please

Yes Thomas – you hit the nail on the head. Even her own father doesn’t believe her naysayers are racists – just clued up and pissed off about being taken for a ride. 

He actually called them hypocrites, which made me laugh my arse off. He called them out on their private jet trips and asked “if they can fly about the world on private planes, why can’t they come and see me?”
Man – Thomas let them HAVE IT.

“Yeah fuck you, you pair of grandchild-hoarding liars.”

He concluded by saying that he would never stay quiet and would keep challenging whatever lies Meghan and Harry put out in the media about him. 

I applaud him, but would advise him to be careful too… The royal family also stop at nothing to shut people up who get in their way and Thomas may just find himself further in the firing line than he is now.

Stay safe, Thomas – but also – keep dragging your useless daughter. And if you want to help co-write a blog on here to REALLY vent your frustrations, do drop me a message on the contact page. 

Harry and Meghan take Archie to the pub

I know he’s Prince Harry’s son, but this is starting a bit early even for him.

But yes, apparently all should be forgiven for their private jet jollies because Harry and Meghan had a “cheap, low-key lunch” at an English pub on a Sunday.

Like every other fucker in England

As if any of us actually give a shit, the country pub’s Sunday lunch menu was even published – which was most helpful, I guess; I mean, as a born and bred British girl, it’s not as though I’ve ever had lunch in a pub before.

Wow – thanks for that. How insightful!

And the couple were even called “down to Earth” for eating a £15 roast, as though they were now going to start growing their own vegetables for dinner and shopping at Oxfam. The only way these two would be “down to Earth” is if you buried them six feet under it.

The only reason this meal wasn’t consumed at The Ritz is because as far as I know, they don’t do a Sunday roast with cider.

And I don’t remember who penned the article, but if they think Prince Harry drinking a couple of pints down the pub is putting the world to rights, I suggest they remove their head from their arse.

“Fear not the global warming Great Britain, for I had two pints of Stella.”


And what of Archie?

Yes – the almost four-month-old tot apparently joined his parents for the outing, with pub onlookers saying that he was “good as gold”, and “didn’t make a noise the entire time”. 
Yeah – funny that. Nobody’s seen him move or make a noise, since… uh… ever. 

According to other pub-goers, Meghan apparently had him in the Sussex Death Grip, because despite the fact there was some sort of carry cot for him, just like with her husband’s hand, she hasn’t quite worked out how to let go yet. 

I do wonder if maybe something’s wrong with the doll’s head, and if she lets go, it will detach from the neck, hence all the holding. 

Admittedly at the age of 26, I’m not particularly close to having a baby, nor do I know much about them, but I do know that they move, cry and at Archie’s age, babble a bit. I find it very strange that nobody has seen this kid’s face properly, heard him make a noise or seen him in any position other than stuck to his mother.

“Mummy, I think… I think his head’s coming off again.”
“Yeah, don’t look directly at it.”

 

“Holy shit – is that a Baby Born?! So 2005, Aunt Meg.”

Meghan should perhaps receive a medal for being able to eat a full meal while carrying a baby in her arms also; that shit is next to impossible.

I tried it once and dropped a piece of broccoli (complete with a smattering of gravy) on the poor baby’s head. Needless to say – I didn’t attempt that again.

Meghan at SmartWorks 

I didn’t cover this last week as there was enough material to get through, but I’ve had a few requests to write a piece on this, so I’m happy to chime in.

So Meghan apparently dropped by charity SmartWorks for a photo shoot they were doing for their womenswear range.
Admittedly, I only initially scanned this article on my commute into work one morning, as the photos of a gurning Meghan pissed me off more than the fact I was on a jam-packed train that appeared to contain the entire city – but looking at this in more detail, I can’t get over how ridiculous it is.

First of all – who invited her and why?

“Yes, not too close, dear… I SAID NOT TOO CLOSE!”

She only stands around clapping her hands and jumping about like an excited schoolgirl who was just  asked out on her first date – so hardly the behaviour of a royal duchess. 

Secondly, I’m reading that apparently those on set were asked to “not look Meghan directly in the eyes” when meeting her.
Does she think she’s some Saudi Queen or something? Or was she just a bit high and trying to ensure nobody noticed? Judging by all her squealing and squawking, I’d say it was the latter.

This over-the-top fake sincerity by “hugging” people, all while looking like she’d rather die, are utterly nauseating. I would honestly rather strangle myself with one of her ugly creations than receive a hug from Meghan Markle.

“Give me a hug!…. you washed your hands first, right?”

They could’ve easily posted photos for the shoot without Meghan being involved but of course, where there’s a camera, there’s Media Markle. She couldn’t resist sticking her ski-slope nose in to ensure she was the main focus of all the photos and Instagram posts, because what better way to highlight a charity than making sure it’s all about you.

“No idea what you’re talking about, just don’t block the camera’s view of me.”

I’ve long since blocked the Sussex Royal IG, but honestly, the insta stories for this were a joke; all about what Meghan has achieved for them, who Meghan enlisted to help and how Meghan had been the “driving force” behind it all.

Barely any mention of the actual models and the work they had been undertaking at the charity (with little input from the Part-Time Princess herself), but that’s ok – as long as the camera was pointed in her direction, that’s all that mattered.

The Sussexes are planning their move to LA


So apparently, now realising the entirety of the UK (bar some sad teenagers) think they’re trash, Harry and Meghan think it’s time to hot-foot it across the Atlantic, where they’re labouring under the misapprehension that they’re actually important over there.

Apparently, friends of the couple (Harry still has friends?) reportedly “fear” (well, the public ain’t worried) that the two of them are LA-bound in the very near future, as they apparently “scramble to speed up the process” of moving out of the UK.

Any way we can assist?


I’m a bit baffled by this one; we all knew this was coming eventually (and if it isn’t true right now, it certainly will be in the future), but… what exactly are they planning on doing in California?

I mean, we have enough of a problem paying for these two as it is – so if the Queen thinks we’re going to continue footing the bill for these two layabouts if they piss off to America, she’s fucking senile. 
So – what is the alternative?

Harry stacks shelves in Walmart while Meghan plays housewife?

“Wait – does the caviar go in aisle two?”

Harry plays househusband while Meghan goes back into acting?

“Was that the chocolate log that went into the oven, or one of Archie’s turds? Ah well.”

As far as I know, the USA doesn’t shell out welfare the same way the UK does, so if it all goes tits-up for them (which it will), they’d be better off in England.
They’d be given a nice council house somewhere in Elephant and Castle; a two-bed to start, and then should Meghan have another kid, a nice three-bedroom. 

Just like Kensington Palace

Sure, there might be some damp in the walls, but that’s a small price to pay for all the perks:
A nice park at the foot of their block of flats, complete with lude graffiti and the local teen hoodlums sitting on the swings, swigging from a vodka bottle (but they might make good babysitters, if Harry and Meghan can no longer afford a nanny).

Surround-sound entertainment of the neighbours trying to kill each other after one too many special brews.

And – if they’re lucky – an honorary ASBO for Archie by the time he’s ten and the chance to become grandparents by the time he’s 13, after he has a kid with Stacey from Number 7. 

Archie’s version of an Ok! mag spread

As much as I wish the above were true, I’d also be happy to see the back of them. 
So if you want to move to LA, please do so; just be sure to leave your titles behind when you go, ensure it’s a one-way ticket and don’t forget to take Prince Andrew with you.

Let us know if you need any help packing your bags! Off you fuck, Your Highnesses!

On a side note, yesterday marked 22 years since Diana, Princess of Wales died. 💔
If she were here, I’d love to know what she’d make of this mess and the opportunist her youngest son married. £20 says she wouldn’t mince her words.

“Honestly sweetheart, why did you marry such an idiot?”

Well that’s all for this week, my lovelies; see you again next time when I’m sure there’ll be plenty more crap to snipe about – let’s face it, there always is.

Have a fabulous week! 💋