Just a little note to say…

….I’m unfortunately shutting the blog down.

Please don’t stab me

No, really – I’m going off (royal) topic for a second just to leave a message to wish you all a very Happy New Year and all the best for 2020. Wishing you all health, happiness and laughter for the coming year ahead – and many more to follow.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank you all very much for your continued support over the course of this last year and since this blog was launched; I do really mean it wholeheartedly when I say that it is your (rather hilarious) comments, discussion and kindness that drives me forward to post every week. I’m incredibly grateful that you all find my little jibes at the Sussexes so amusing – even when I’m not feeling at my funniest!

I do always endeavour to respond to all comments, so if I do miss anybody out when responding, I do apologise – I will work on that for 2020 – perhaps it could be my New Year’s Resolution!

Once again, thank you – let’s continue to laugh our way into the next decade – and let’s do it in style!

Happy New Year, my lovely friends 💖

Royal round-up: 29th December

Happy Sunday my lovelies! I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas, over-indulged with the chocolate and cheese and have thrown the word “gym” out of your vocabulary– at least for the remainder of 2019.

After mixing red wine, champagne and prosecco last night and not moving out of bed until 1pm today, I’ve been moving slowly through this royal round-up, so apologies that this is going out so late – but nonetheless, let’s take a look at some royal Christmas highlights!

Christmas with the royals

Ahh, that magical time of year when the fires are roaring, the turkey is being carved and Prince Andrew scurries in through the back door of the church for a Christmas service to avoid being stabbed to death.

“I’m not down with getting shanked, yah.”

This year, on the traditional public walk to church, we were treated to the first ever Sandringham appearance for Prince George, 6, and Princess Charlotte, 4, who joined their parents for the Christmas Day service.

It’s a bit clear to me that George and Charlotte have inherited their father’s disdain of the press, as neither kid looked particularly thrilled to be photographed – but that could also be because they were forced out in the cold on Christmas Day to sit in a draughty church, instead of being able to sit at home and play with their new presents.

“Let’s get a fucking move on – that new pony ain’t gonna ride itself.”

Following the service, Catherine and Charlotte did their rounds and greeted the public, with Charlotte only really perking up after she was given some presents by some strangers.

“I’m meant to give these back? Haha, yeah – like fuck.”

A couple of members of the public even hugged the little princess, as Charlotte thanked one for a doll she received from her:

“Yeah well, it’s hardly Hamley’s, but it’ll do.”
“Yes, thanks for the inflatable pink bird, and I’m sympathetic that you’re in a wheelchair, but get your fucking hands off me.”

George seemed slightly less interested in engaging with the public, and stood with a face like a smacked arse beside his father as he greeted well-wishers.

“Did I really get outta bed for this shit?”

Both kids looked really smart though and it was lovely to see them – and who knows, maybe next year little Louis will be on the walk too!

“Yeah, not if I can fucking help it.”

Sussex Christmas photo

Right, even with my disdain for the Sussexes (and children in general), I’m trying so very hard to remain as adult as possible about this and NOT insult an innocent baby, but…. bloody hell, what was going on here?

“This year we’ve chosen to send our holiday card electronically” should have an add on of “because we couldn’t be arsed to mail it to any of you peasants”

First of all – why are Meghan’s teeth so white? It’s one of the first things you notice – even with Archie’s massive head taking up 80% of the lens.

I know there were two versions released; one where Harry is blurred out and another where he is in focus (which Sussex Stans were quick to point out), but either way, the picture really isn’t that great and something about Harry’s smug face makes me want to punch him in it.

Perhaps next year, provided they’re still actually married – the chances of which seem to be diminishing rather quickly, we might suggest that Harry is obscured by a giant Christmas tree? Or maybe they’ll wrap him in tinsel and have him as a Christmas decoration? I’m sure his balls were already used as baubles this year anyway.

Think we’ve got a good idea as to their whereabouts, Harry

And yes… I’m going to push the boundaries here and say something controversial, but….

Archie isn’t very cute at all.

If you’ve raised your pitchforks, please lower them; I know when people say a baby isn’t cute, they are automatically put in the same category as Satan and that guy from that Netflix documentary who killed the cats, but really – I do not believe all babies are beautiful and this one certainly isn’t.

Also, one thing my Twitter friends and I picked up on is that Archie looks incredibly Asian?

I mean, it’s weird – I’m half Asian and he looks more Asian than I do. I thought he looked a lot like Harry to begin with, but I’m not so sure anymore.

There’s only one thing for it…

And on a final note, if they post one more photo in black and white, I will flip my shit. It doesn’t look classy or artsy – it just looks stupid and like you’re trying desperately hard to hide some bad photoshop (which appears to be the case with Archie’s hairline in this photo).

Please….

Harry and Meghan in Canada

So despite the promise that we’d get a nice break from Dumb & Dumber, as predicted, we’re being given hourly updates on their movements; I’m expecting to hear about their bowel ones any day now too.

This weekend, we have learnt that they are indeed holed up in a luxury mansion somewhere in Victoria and courtesy of the British taxpayer, where Doria has nicely cashed in on this too and gone to stay with them.

This whole island area was theirs for Christmas… all of this… for three people and a baby

Moving swiftly on…

Apparently we are to believe that it wasn’t Meghan that gave the tabloids a tip-off as to the fact they were in the area, but rather some randoms who apparently saw Harry and Meghan out for a jog.

I’d wager it was more likely Harry was trying to make a break for freedom and Meghan was chasing him, but I’m no eye witness for the situation.

“Meghan, get away from me yah – one just wants to live one’s life.”

Then some other people said they saw Harry out alone for a hike near some woodland area – but once again, was he on a hike, or was he trying to judge the drop off the side of the cliff to see if it was possible to slide down and escape?

“Looks a bit steep, yah – I think I’ll give it a miss.”

It all smacks of bullshit to me.

One second they’ve apparently been holed up indoors and haven’t set foot outside and the next they’ve been out doing all this outdoorsy shit?

And then, apparently sick of cooking for themselves (or Harry had finally gotten fed up of avocado on toast), the two of them and their security detail headed over to Deep Cove Chalet for a spot of dinner… but not before Madam Meghan had arranged a full inspection of the restaurant to see if it was to her standards:

“I mean, it’s just nothing like Harrods, yah.”

And then, void of organic kale and leaves foraged from the purest woodland areas of Canada, the menu also wasn’t to Her Royal Highnesses’ liking:

But not one to be outright dismissive, Meghan tried her hardest to sample some of the local food on offer, only to find it totally inedible:

But apparently it didn’t go over too well

It was then, utterly devastated at the prospect of starving to death, (as there is only one restaurant in Canada), that Meghan turned to Harry and delivered her final verdict:

Harry, who couldn’t possibly say no to his pushy Princess, could no longer contain his disgust with the establishment and gave the manager one final line to think on as they swiftly departed the restaurant:

There’s a slight chance Meghan got excited because she thought it was called Deep Throat Chalet and was pissed off when she got there and realised her mistake, but what do I know…

“But… we drove the full three minutes to get here and it’s NOT a sex-themed restaurant?!”

Ok – maybe I embellished a few details with the above, but I believe the actual story is that Harry and Meghan did in fact show up to the restaurant to “inspect” it and see if they wanted to eat there; however, they did also show up with a team of security and add that to their ridiculous diva demands, the manager decided to stop them from dining there, as he simply wasn’t in the mood for their bullshit.

We know how you feel mate

The restaurant have denied that they chucked Haz and Megs out into the cold, but they’ve still received a steady stream of abuse from Harry and Meghan’s ever-classy fans, telling the restaurant that they should’ve bent over backwards to accommodate the Spare and his Whore.

Looks like the restaurant manager also has a special message for Haz, Megs and their fans too:

Perhaps we’ll never know where Harry and Meghan wound up dining that night – but considering their $14 million mansion boasts a professional chef’s kitchen, I’m sure they have all the amenities they need to whack on a couple of microwave meals.

I do hope you’ve all asked Meghan if she’s “ok” this holiday season, the poor little love

Meghan’s own newspaper?

And so, Meghan continues her quest for world domination.

Yes, the latest in the stream of Sussex Shite is that Meghan is thinking of further expanding the Sussex Royal “brand”, even though one doesn’t exist, and wants to start her own newspaper.

I genuinely don’t

This comes off the back of claims that Twat 1 and Twat 2 now want to slap their trademark on, well, basically everything.

They apparently also want to start issuing their own stationary and merchandise, because as members of the royal family, they can’t find anything better to do with their time.

Meghan reminds me of a child that’s been given a pack of stickers and they just want to put them on everything out of sheer excitement.

“Meghan… Meghan… give us back the pens please, love.”

I kinda get it though; I mean, if I was as narcissistic as Meghan, I’d want a newspaper for myself too. That way all I could talk about is myself and it would be acceptable, because I own the damn paper.

Meghan at her newspaper’s head office, when asked why the front cover, all 62 pages and the back cover are all images of her face

Let’s face it, we know it’d be all about Meghan. If the Sussex instagram is anything to go by, where she managed to turn the entire tour of Africa into a life story about herself, I can’t imagine a newspaper created by her would be any different– even if people around her told her it’s not quite the correct approach:

“But Meghan, you didn’t mention any charities in this month’s paper at all?”
“…I was meant to mention the charities…?”

I’d imagine there’d also be a small section every week where she drags the Cambridges and drops in little tidbits of gossip she’s managed to get her claws into; just because judging by how her PR works, she believes that the only way to look good is to make somebody else look bad – isn’t that right, Megs?

Clearly

For the sake of our sanity, I think it’s best they both refrain from popping the Sussex stamp on anything else, in a desperate bid to make as much money as possible for when they’re ousted from the BRF for good.

Next they’ll be telling us they commissioned the original building plans for Buckingham Palace.

Well that’s all for this week, folks – and that was the last post of 2019!

As we see out the year in just a couple of days time, I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy new year! All the best for 2020, where I’m sure there’ll be lots more shenanigans for me to report on and us all to laugh at. I have a feeling it will be a big one….

Until next year, my dears… 💋

Royal round-up: 22nd December

Happy Sunday darlings! 💖

Sorry for the two-week gap; it’s a stressful time of year trying to tie up year-end crap at work and viciously beating everyone out of the way at Westfields so you can finish Christmas shopping for your family.

“That shit’s for my mum – fucking move it!”

However, Christmas shopping (ok – almost 😕) done, I’m back and ready to gossip. I know some of the items below are a little old now, but as per, please do bear with me!

Harry and Meghan are in Canada

Thank fuck for that – I was beginning to lose sleep for worrying as to their whereabouts.

Yep, this weekend we’ve had it confirmed that Meghan and Harry have been hiding out during their “break” in Canada – the precise location of which we are not allowed to know “for security reasons”.

It’s not like I’m gonna knock on their door to do a spot of carol singing, is it

So hard done by and following a difficult year for the two prats, where they have had such a hard time spending all our money and jetting around the world, they have taken refuge in some luxury cabin somewhere, where they have “barely set foot out in public” the whole time.

Do they wanna try doing that in the UK as well

The three of them are apparently spending some “quality family time” together, because allegedly they don’t get the opportunity to do this in England.

And I can see the issue here – really I can; between their 9 to 5 jobs, being unable to afford childcare, trying to save money to fix that leak in the roof at Frogmore and struggling to afford Christmas presents for the entire family (I.e. Doria), shit has to be difficult in the Sussex household right now.

“It’s alright babes yah, I’ll just stick some caviar in the roof to seal it off.”

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau kindly weighed in as well, making it seem as though Harry and Meghan were seeking asylum in Canada after escaping a war torn country:

Alright Justin mate, they came from England not Eritrea

I normally don’t have much of an issue with Trudeau – in fact, I have no opinion on him at all apart from the fact that he’s quite hot and would probably get it, but where was the need for this total crap?

The sooner people stop licking the arses of these two scroungers and acting like they have it far tougher than the rest of us, the better; we all know they’re holed up making baby number two so that they can make their “big return” with a second pregnancy announcement, further sending shockwaves of nausea through the planet.

“Yes, one is with second childeth.”

James Blunt defends Harry and Meghan

And you know things are bad when that happens.

Yes, yet another “celebrity” felt it appropriate to pipe up and defend the Dynamic Duo by telling us how wonderful they are and how horrible we are for picking on the poor prince and his showgirl.

He went on to praise their ‘incredible hard work’ (yeah, I’m not sure what he was referring to either) and got out one of the many violins he uses on his depressing albums to speak about how they do this ‘so well under such intense public scrutiny’.

Meghan earlier this week as she sifted through her £70,000 Givenchy gowns

James also went on to tell us: “What I think I can see is that they seem to be on the cover of the newspapers a lot and it seems to be vitriolic quite a lot of the time.”

Really, James? I fucking wonder why.

Maybe it’s their ‘do-as-I-say-and-not-as-I-do’ attitude? Or the fact that they don’t give a shit that they squander all our money because they turn up to wave at the impoverished from time to time and they think that justifies it? Or that they believe in hiding all details of their lives and that of their child’s from everybody, as though they were A-list celebs, rather than members of the Royal Family on the public payroll? Honestly, James –

I would say “stick to what you know”, but I’m not entirely sure what that is either

These Z-list celebrities brown-nosing Harry and Meghan to get their ten seconds in the newspapers are becoming completely and utterly tiresome. Think we should gather the likes of James Blunt, Elton John and Serena Williams and just dump them on an island somewhere far away.

Got a private jet for y’all to charter, if you’re interested

SmartWorks and Meghan

Keen not to be forgotten on her (not really a) break, Meghan ensured that all the charities she works with have brought her up in one way or another, just so you can remember what a Mother Theresa she is.  

“You think I’m gonna go away for six weeks and let you all forget about me?”

Given the fact she only works with about three charities, this shouldn’t have taken too long, but I admire their efforts anyway.

Last week, it appeared to be SmartWorks on the list, as they shared some “unseen” photos of Meghan very kindly visiting them a while ago, i.e. doing her fucking job.

“Yes, how inspiring – can you fetch me an iced latte? Oh, are you not the tea lady? My bad, babes, sorry!”

They went on to bury their heads even further up her arse by telling us: “We have shared some incredibly special moments with The Duchess over the past eleven months. As well as dressing and coaching our clients, she has supported and spread the word about Smart Works in the seminal issue of British Vogue and through The Smart Set Capsule Collection.”

“YES, another opportunity to talk about me, me, me!”

Yes, what a charitable contribution she has made over the last year, turning every Instagram post about them into a life story about herself (complete with photos) and ensuring she spews out other people’s quotes on these all-important visits, because she hasn’t got an original thought in her head.

I’ve also enjoyed how many times they’ve ‘come out of their break’ to post something stupid on Instagram, because Meghan can’t help herself. Whether these are philosophical musings while she changes Archie’s shitty nappy, or Harry having a laugh while he smokes his morning cigarette (in secret, round the back of Doria’s house), these are always highly entertaining – because they’re so hypocritical.

“Yah, it’s good right? We put it on Meghan’s dad’s Christmas card.”

Mary Berry’s Christmas

So last week, Mary Berry’s Christmas special aired on BBC1, with The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge appearing as guests on it for this year.

Mary worked alongside Catherine for her culinary creation, while William paired up with Nadiya Hussain to produce his, leading to a bit of competition between the royal couple.

“Well, his looks like a pile of SHIT, doesn’t it Mary?”
“Yeah, keep an eye on your own cake, ya slag.”

In the end, Mary Berry, not wanting to spend Christmas with a royal roulade up her arse, declared it a draw between William and Catherine.

I’m not entirely sure which cake they’d shat in for Meghan, but judging by Catherine’s face, I’d wager it was William’s:

“Don’t touch me with those hands – I know where they’ve been.”

Harry and Meghan nearly died


Can’t say the Universe isn’t conspiring, can ya?

Well it’s a bit of an over-dramatisation of what happened but I’m throwing it in because I saw one of my friends repost it on Twitter, and because I hadn’t seen it before and it did make me laugh.

Apparently Harry and Meghan, on one of their luxurious private jet jaunts, had a moment of ‘terror’ when their £46 million rental Bombardier jet cruised 10ft away from a drone at Luton Airport back in August – which for some reason is still being brought up now like any of us are meant to give a shite.

Harry and Meghan, who shouldn’t have been on a fucking private jet to begin with, were making the journey from Nice Airport back to London, after spending a couple of weeks tanning their arses at our expense.

How horrible! Just 10 feet from disaster! Can you imagine if they had been… flying any lower?

In any case, I’m glad people’s priorities were in order; thousands of people sleeping on airport floors due to drone strikes over the last year, and the main concern of Luton Airport was that of two talentless twats possibly ending up with a cracked windscreen in their rental plane.

In any case, I doubt Harry and Meghan even knew it had happened – too busy quaffing champagne and dumping Archie on the nanny to realise they’d nearly had their arses taken out, but such is life when you’re a royal I guess.

“What was that rumble, H? Have we hit some turbulence?”
“Nah sorry babes – these bubbles go straight to my arse.”

Christmas pudding with the royals

So this was a cute surprise!

Prince George, together with his father The Duke of Cambridge, grandfather Prince Charles and great-grandmother Queen Elizabeth, took part in putting the finishing touches to some Rice Krispie cakes for service men and women.

George, 6, proved he was quite the natural at cooking as he made a special surprise for some family members too:

“This one’s for Aunty Meghan and Uncle Harry – so you just stir in the poo like so… this particular portion was sourced from Louis’s nappy.”

This sort of photo op seems to be a fairly new thing for the royals, so one can only assume it’s a spot of slight damage control, given the bullshit that has occurred this year for the family.

Luckily though, Prince Charles was also onhand to offer up some culinary aid for his grandson:

“Here George, Great-Grandad Phillip has kindly offered up the contents of his bedpan – whack some of that in too.”

Well that’s all for now, my lovelies; this week we will see the Cambridge children make their first ever appearance at Sandringham when they head to church with their parents on Christmas Day – and I for one am super excited!

They’re just bloody relieved Dumb and Dumber won’t be there

In the meantime – I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas with your loved ones; hoping you all get everything you want and more – and if you don’t, you can always get drunk and eat all the cheeseboards before anyone else gets a look in (like I do most years).

“Piss off Aunty Karen – it’s mine!”

Have a happy and safe one, and I will see you all next week 💋🎄💋

Royal round-up: 8th December

Happy Sunday ladies and gents – hope you’ve all had a good weekend!

After my first week back at work since being ill, it was most welcome; what a stressful one that was! I swear, I could’ve died and the finance team would still come to my funeral like “that’s sad, but you’re late submitting your credit card expenses.”

Accurate depiction of my colleagues

Also pleased to announce that I had my first glass of wine in foreeeeeever on Friday night and it was beautiful. (Ok, I had 4, but I’m British – we rarely stop at one.)

But enough about me – as per, there have been some nuggets of royal manure this week to get through, so without further ado, let’s get stuck in!

Prince Charles wants to streamline the monarchy

Yes, Prince Charles reportedly wants to bring the circle in a bit where members of the royal family are concerned and this would mean bumping some useless members off the VIP list.

Three guesses where you’ll stand, Sussexes

It has been said that Charles has “wanted to do this for years” and even with his mother Queen Elizabeth still on the throne, plans have been “put in motion already”. Many believe that the shunning of Prince Andrew is an indicator that this is what’s happening behind palace walls, but…

I think that might be because he’s a paedophile, but what do I know

There are other sources that say Charles wants to limit the family beneath him to “just his sons and their children”, in order to “avoid embarrassing situations with other members of the family”– seemingly forgetting that Hypocrite Henry and Media Meg are probably the most cringeworthy members of the family.

Charles dude, come on.

Just a word of advice to the Prince of Wales, but it might be worth streamlining the monarchy down to those who actually want to be a part of it. I’ve yet to see Harry and Meghan put their arses into their roles, so until they do, they can end up on the scrapheap with the rest of them.

Where is it they’ve been again for the last three weeks, Charles?

On holiday – no doubt embarrassing another country somewhere.

Yeah – I’d hold that thought for now, mate.

Harry and Meghan spent Thanksgiving in the USA

Which brings me nicely to my next point…

An article or two surfaced this week confirming that Harry and Meghan are in fact in the USA and have been for the last few weeks, having celebrated Thanksgiving with “close family”…

Thought you didn’t have any family Meghan, so pardon my confusion

Considering most of her family (on both sides) have been slagging Meggers off in the press, talking about how they haven’t seen her in years and expressing their obvious disdain for her, I can’t imagine they were welcome around the table to share a bit of turkey and pumpkin pie this year– so I’m gonna say they spent it with Doria in her bungalow.

“Meghan, I know it’s a bungalow and the roof is close to the ground, but you don’t have to walk around like that, yah.”

Apparently Meghan, who is made out to be a Michelin star chef just because she once knocked up some avocado on toast, will be doing “all the cooking” in California – as she just “loves wearing the apron”.

Yes, I’m sure it took several hours and three years at culinary school to put this one together

Given the amount of weight Harry has lost since Meghan moved to the UK, I can only assume her cooking is fucking terrible and he’d rather starve than put any of it in his mouth.

In addition to speculation on their whereabouts, some dude called Omid Scobie, who is a prize prat, might I add – was the first to “leak” the news on behalf of Meghan that the Sussexes are currently in the USA.

For those who don’t know, Scobie is Meghan’s mouthpiece and leaks all the info to the media that Meghan is unable to leak herself, due to royal family constraints. I mean, you didn’t think Meghan would go to the USA and NOT make sure we all knew about it, did you?

Of course, many others believe that the Useless Twosome are in fact out there searching for a permanent USA home – a rumour of which many of us hope is true.

And if the stories are true that they are planning to stay out there through Christmas also, then they’ll certainly have plenty of time to house-hunt, that’s for sure.

Two useless dipshits and a ginger baby?

William on tour

Thank fuck – something to redeem all this bullshit.

As mentioned during last week’s royal round up, just as I started penning the previous one, The Duke of Cambridge had just arrived in Kuwait for a solo royal tour.

“Yeah, easy with that bag mate, it’s a Louis Vuitton.”

Prince William, who left his wife, The Duchess of Cambridge and their three children back home in England, conducted visits to both Kuwait and Oman– the first time he has officially visited either country.

“Joke’s on Kate – got me out of reading a week’s worth of bedtime stories to Louis.”

The Duke also paid a visit to the Ras Musandam Naval Base, where he wore protective glasses and ear plugs to watch soldiers throw hand grenades – which gave His Royal Highness a bright idea or two:

“Couldn’t drop a few of those on Frogmore, could you?”
“Haha – just kidding!”
“…but if you’ve got any spares, I won’t say no.”

The Duke went on to study the wetlands’ wildlife, where he even got a chance to get up close and personal with some of the beautiful creatures the land had to offer:

“I have a feeling this is the one that built a nest in Meghan’s hair for Trooping The Colour this year.”

And he even got a chance to see how Kuwaiti arts and crafts were made, first hand:

“And that must be one of Meghan’s maternity dresses!”

All in all, a successful trip for the Duke, who even made it home in time for the kids’ bedtime.

“Yeah – after a swift half at the local.”

Harry and Meghan want you to think of the homeless

Despite the fact Dumb and Dumber are meant to be on a break, they are still posting on Instagram, getting us to “reflect on the lonely, hungry and homeless this Christmas”.

What – like that father you abandoned, Meghan?

Tabloids speculated that Meghan may have penned the post herself, due to the wording of “festive holiday season” – a term of which we never use in the UK.

I was fascinated by this observation; Meghan? Taking control of the Sussex IG?

I, for one, thought it was a heartfelt, lovely post. I mean, a social-climbing gold-digger who has dumped anybody who couldn’t boost her profile as she clambered her way up the ladder? It’s really touching to see her utter phrases such as:

Nah, she’s taking the piss now, surely?

Tell me Meghan, what is it dear old daddy has planned for Christmas? Perhaps he’s spending it alone at home with a can of beer? Is it a takeaway Chinese and a quiet one in front of the tv? I think your dad would “appreciate the smallest act of kindness” Meghan, but I’m guessing he’s unlikely to get it from his cold-hearted bitch of a daughter.

I’ll bet the Sussexes are genuinely worried about the hungry and homeless, as they jet about the planet on their private planes and spend money like it’s water. What true humanitarians they are.

Kate takes over a royal patronage

Turning our attention back to the royals who actually do some work – it’s been announced this week that The Duchess of Cambridge has taken over a patronage from The Queen – becoming patron of Family Action – a charity Her Majesty had been patron of for 65 years.

Catherine visited the charity this week, meeting with the children who are supported by this cause and engaging in some festive activities.

“Yes, I did tell Meghan to shove a Christmas tree up her arse last week – shall we send her this one?”

This is of course a huge honour; if the Queen passes down such an important patronage to you, you know it’s because she clearly thinks highly of you – which we know she does with Catherine.

It was during this visit that Catherine also revealed that Prince Louis “follows her around everywhere” and “wants to go wherever she does.”

“Ok, let go of my hand now, I get enough of this shit at home.”

This comes off the back of a busy week, as Catherine also attended the NATO dinner held at Buckingham Palace, where attendees included the President and First Lady of the USA, as well as Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada.

Kate seemed in her element in a green Emilia Wickstead dress, clearly delighted to be part of the occasion:

“You see, I’m not too sure what NATO is, but I’ve heard there was free wine, so here I am”

But with William away, Catherine seemed more than comfortable undertaking such important events with world leaders on her own, and as usual, totally outshone everyone else.

Especially Boris – who looked as though he had certainly taken advantage of the open bar ahead of next week’s big election

Well that’s all for now folks – this coming week will see the Diplomatic Reception at Buckingham Palace on Wednesday and let’s not forget as mentioned above – that all important UK election on Thursday.

I won’t disclose who I’m voting for, for fear of being stabbed, but to my fellow UK-ers, please make sure you get out there and do your part this week… let’s sort out this political mess.

Until next time, my dears… 💋

Royal round-up: 1st December

Happy Sunday folks! Hope you’ve had a good week.

As some of you may have seen on my Twitter, it turns out that what I had across my fingers wasn’t actually eczema, but rather a secondary viral and bacterial infection (picked up in Norway we think) that unfortunately put me in hospital earlier this week with borderline blood-poisoning.

I thought it was a head cold…

The good news is that with the aid of nine (bloody massive) antibiotic tablets a day, I am doing well and (almost) back to normal, with nearly the full working use of my hands again.

The (slightly) bad news is that I can’t enjoy a glass of red while writing this due to my medication, but it’s ok – I’ll be reunited with my Pinot Noir soon!

Not that I’m keeping count or anything, but it’s only two and a half days until I’m done with my tablets….

But moving on, as usual, there has been a barrel-load of fuckery out of the Sussex camp this last week, and keen not to keep you waiting any longer, let’s get stuck right in!

Meghan’s being compared to Kate

As if there’s any comparison, but anyway… for Meg’s sake, keep your violins handy.

Yes – “sources close to Meghan” (as if there are any of those either) have claimed that Meghan is “well aware” that she is being pitted against The Duchess of Cambridge in the media and by the public.

A “friend” of Meghan (so Serena Williams or Jessica Mulroney) has said that Meghan “is aware that Kate will be Queen” (like the rest of the bloody nation) and finds being compared to her “challenging”.

This person, who let’s face it, is probably also a PR rep for the Sussexes, tells us that any competition is simply absurd, as both women are “more focused on their families than any kind of competition.”

Meghan? Focused on something other than herself?

Meghan has been in competition since that ring went on her finger. She has never been able to let any Cambridge news shine in the press without trying to outdo Catherine and her clan with some other rubbish from her own life. Not focused on competition? Please.

The only thing Meghan’s focused on in this picture is shoving Kate off the balcony

Another banger that came out of this shit-arsed article was “William and Kate toe the line – maybe because they have to. But Harry and Meghan are saying no. They’re trying to reset the rules.”

Just a suggestion

Harry and Meghan are not at the head of the monarchy (though in Meghan’s tiny mind, I’m sure she thinks she’s the Queen herself).

It is not for them to say how the monarchy should be run and what rules should be in place, much less which ones they’re going to play by. And if they want to say “no”, we will happily say “fuck off elsewhere then” right back.

Please, Your Majesty, when are you going to disown these two as well like you have with Andrew? I think it’s well overdue.

“Just PISS OFF, already! One is not amused!”

Meghan’s higher education letter

No – let me stop you right there – I know what you’re thinking:

“Weren’t these two meant to be on a six week break? Why are we still hearing about them?”

Ah yes, the million dollar question – but not one that any of us are surprised to be asking. I mean honestly – did we really think they’d sod off and leave us in peace?

Keen not to be quiet for too long (just in case we forgot about them), Meghan made it a point to release a letter about the “importance of higher education for women” – because she really does believe in gender equality and women working hard to make a name for themselves in this world without the aid of a man…

It really was a wonderful letter; I mean, without some sad, divorcee crumpet telling us all go to university and why it’s important, no one would’ve even vaguely entertained the idea, much less apply to university.

“Because education expands mind-sets, and those minds can then expand the scope of the world at large. From a micro to a macro level, it is with education that we see great change.” Meghan Markle, 2019 (or some other poor sod she stole the quote off, as she likes to do so often).

God, she really does love the sound of her own voice. However, we appreciate your efforts Meghan and for you taking the time out of stuffing your arse with turkey to tell us all what to do – as usual.

It should be noted that Meghan used the back of her own degree to write that letter as she no longer needs it, due to marrying a rich, privileged, titled man.

It was also very kind of the Sussexes to throw out this shit photo, wishing us all a Happy Thanksgiving, as though they give a toss:

We’d all be thankful for you both fucking off to another planet.

Can I also say that I really love how these articles like to talk about the fact that Meghan went to Northwestern, as though she figured out the cure for cancer while she was there, or something.

Whatever degree she got (which quite frankly, I don’t give a rat’s arse about), it was very clearly a waste of time; I don’t think you need a double major in the arts for blowing some guy on 90210 or for stalking a Prince until he marries you.

All you need is a narcissistic streak, a good helping of tenacity and oodles of determination.

And THAT, my loves, they do not teach at Harvard.

Harry and Meghan build another fence

Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to move to outer space at this point?

Yes, after attending a coffee morning with the Coldstream Guards’ families and making themselves seem approachable as they spoke about their own, the Gruesome Twosome have once again taken another contradictory step to shutting their neighbours out.

They have now apparently built a third fence around Frogmore Cottage, probably to keep other members of the Royal Family out, just in case The Queen decides to stop by for tea and an arse-whooping.

The Queen finally loses her shit

The fence, which cost the Crown a rather hefty £12,000, was put up in recent months amid “security concerns” for the couple, while they sat on their arses at home eating kale, doing yoga or whatever else it is they do while they’re in residence.

Waste of money, if you ask me – you could railroad that shit with a child’s scooter and it’d collapse like a house of cards

The bit that baffles me the most is that it was said a while back they they had a team of something like twenty security officers outside this cottage, so why on Earth do they also need three fences? It just smacks of self-importance.

At this point, I’m starting to suspect these railings are to keep Harry IN, rather than keeping other folk out.

Harry eventually jumps the hazel fence and makes it to the local pub

No, but honestly, if it’s peace and quiet in the USA that they want, might I suggest the stunning Alcatraz?

– Ideal waterfront location for those wanting the quiet life in San Francisco, California

– 336 stone-walled bedrooms with en-suite facilities

– A private medical facility (the NHS has nothing on this stunning ward)

– Newly refurbished kitchen with all the mod-cons

– High security fences and railings, to ensure trespassers are kept firmly outside (or inside – whichever)

It’s just like the palace, but draughtier – I’m sure they’ll just love it!

Will and Kate “relieved” Haz and Megs won’t be at Christmas

Yep – apparently the Cambridges have breathed a sigh of relief that Harry and Meghan won’t be at Sandringham to spoil Christmas for the royals this year.

The Duchess of Cambridge hears the news from Harry one morning last week

However, the articles reporting these claims have also gone on to say that in actual fact, William and Catherine are “supportive” of the Sussexes’ decision to “retreat from the public eye (lol) to celebrate Archie’s first Christmas” and that they actually believe it to be a good decision.

It’s still apparently unclear whether Harry and Meghan are currently in the USA or the UK, but if they are abroad, perhaps the Cambridges’ Christmas gift to them could be a one-way ticket to Bermuda.

“Call it a gift from the Crown Estate.”

Between Andrew and the Sussexes, I’d say the entire damn family are pretty relieved that all the troublemakers will be keeping a low profile this Crimbo.

I’m sure Kate’s organising a festive street party to celebrate their absence as we speak.

“You can fucking keep them, America – Merry Christmas!”

The Cambridges and Mary Berry

So I was hearing whisperings last week, and this weekend, it seems to have come to fruition that the Cambridges have done a spot of festive baking with Mary Berry!

These lovely festive treats have been created to help feed those carrying out volunteer work this Christmas, as they aid various UK charities in ensuring those less fortunate are looked after this year. Admittedly I don’t know much about GBBO or Mary Berry (apart from the fact her face scares me a bit), but this is definitely a wonderful cause to champion.

Joining in the baking session was Great British Bake Off winner Nadiya Hussain, who offered a helping hand to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge as they made meringues for the holiday workers.

While Harry and Meghan may be far away for the holidays this year, they certainly weren’t far from William and Catherine’s minds: the royal couple ensured they enlisted expert chef advice during the cooking session, so that they could bake them something lovely – just a token of their appreciation for all they have done for the family and for Great Britain.

“Yes, but how much chilli powder in the chutney to really ensure that Harry’s IBS is triggered?”

Catherine also enlisted some help, as she prepared a special Christmas surprise for her lovely sister-in-law…

“Yes, but I tried overloading it with cinnamon last time and all she ended up with was a bit of a stomach ache?”

And with the aid of Mary Berry’s team, William and Catherine took away some treats for the Sussexes that they could really be proud of.

“Yes, just don’t touch these two though, William and I shat in them.”

As I type, Prince William has just touched down in Kuwait and news stories are circulating of Prince Charles wanting to “streamline” the monarchy… you can bet all that and more will be coming next week!

In the meantime – have a fabulous week, I’ll try and stay out of hospital and let’s get together again next weekend! 💋

Royal Round Up: 25th November

Happy Monday all – the first two words of which are usually not in the same sentence together.

For the 99% of you who read this blog and have been patient with my absence over the last few weeks, I would like to take a moment to thank you for your kind words and support.
As I have said on Twitter, I’ve been really poorly with a virus I picked up in Norway that left me bedridden for two weeks – not to mention the fact that I had a vile outbreak of stress-related eczema across my fingers (that has essentially rendered me handicapped in recent times) and I also had my suitcase accidentally taken from the hotel luggage hold in Oslo, further adding to my stress.

Not yours

To the other 1% who have thought it appropriate to leave rude comments demanding blog entries and expressing their annoyance at my absence while I’ve been ill, please feel free to unsubscribe. Once again, this is a hobby – not a paid job. I write because I want to, not because I’m under obligation to. And I don’t want anybody ruining that for me.

If you cannot understand that if somebody is too ill to even hold a fork and feed themselves, that they are probably unlikely to be able to write a blog post, you are clearly beyond any kind of assistance and I don’t need that kind of negativity on my blog.

Otherwise – Norway was totally beautiful and a lovely visit!

I asked the palace if they’d take Meghan, but they said no. Sorry guys.

I apologise if some of the upcoming headers are somewhat old now, but not one to miss out on sharing my thoughts (and seeing as I started drafting it a while ago and figured I might as well post it anyway), I went with the flow.

Sooo…. let’s get stuck in:

Harry goes to Japan

It seems Harry’s wife’s behaviour is rubbing off on him- no, not just behaving like a self-entitled arsehole- but also flying to other countries for sporting events.

Yep, Holiday Harry jetted off to Japan for the Rugby World Cup final a couple of weeks ago where he met some people, shook some hands (while he had both free) and genuinely enjoyed not having his wife super-glued to his side.

“Bitches on tour, yah.”

And just at the moment that he was starting to seem vaguely like his old self again while talking to a gaggle of Japanese schoolgirls, he (somewhat predictably) went and fucked it up.

These polite, poor young girls who were super excited to meet the ginger tosser (for some reason), were swiftly told to ‘fuck off’ by Harry with one small gesture, as he held up his left hand to show them his wedding ring, all because they deigned to smile and wave at him.

“Don’t you watch the news? Haven’t you seen the limpet that’s always hanging off me?”

Harry – don’t behave like your Uncle Andrew; they are essentially children, not romantically interested in you and were merely showing fangirl adoration – you didn’t need to remind them that you’re legally bound to a witch.

“One just doesn’t want to get one’s arse handed to one when one gets home, you know.”

But going back to all things rugby, Harry – clearly delighted that his wife was so far behind in the UK and couldn’t bollock him for partying, actually decided to have a little fun and even had…. a beer.

One onlooker said that they were ‘surprised’ to see Harry having a drink, as Meghan had apparently put an alcohol ban on him while she was “pregnant” and told Harry that if she was going to suffer (for nine months), so was he (for eternity).

She also made sure he gave up smoking, went on a vegan diet and took up yoga. Basically she transformed him from Henry into Henrietta.

But knowing that his wife was safely some six thousand miles away at home and couldn’t barge in at any moment, rip the pint from his hand and frogmarch him home, he decided to let his hair down (what’s left of it, anyway) and have a pint and a chinwag with the lads.

Bloody hell – makes you wonder what lengths he goes to back here in England to pop into his local for a swift half without Meg finding out.

“Just popping out to the gym, honey!”

“Oh bugger, left my umbrella at the bank – back in ten!”

“Archie’s out of nappies again? Don’t worry dear, I’ll just nip to Tesco!”

Poor fucker. Gotta get it where you can, eh Haz?

Remembrance Day Events

Quir rightly, the Royal Family represented the UK at a large number of Remembrance Day events this year, all of which were carried out beautifully. (Apart from when you were there, Meghan.)

There was the appearance Harry and Meghan made at Westminster Abbey, which was somewhat embarassing, to be quite frank.

She even wore her best bathrobe for the occasion.

Meghan, who (for an actress) didn’t manage to do a good job convincing us that she knew what she was there to do, seemed to spend a large amount of time taking cues from the dude stood behind her. This even included the arduous task of walking a few steps forward and placing a cross in the wreath.

Yes – even approaching the wreath with a cross in her hand, and having seen clearly where her husband had placed one before her, she still had to look to the guy to her left for some help. Because she couldn’t possibly have used her braincells to work this one out right?

“The fuck does this go?”
“Over here?”
“On the right.”

“I said on the right, bitch.”

She then also did the strangest head bow I’ve ever seen in my life, whereby her head was lowered one minute, and then snapped back up dramatically in a split second, as though she’d been possessed by the Queen Mother.

I’m not too sure what happened here, but I imagine she was going for some kind of “Hollywood” thing, but ended up looking more like a puppet with a sting attached to it’s neck (and a rod up her arse).

She then turned her back on the poppies as the sidled back into line next to her husband, which is a big no-no, but we’ll let that one go– walking three steps forward, dropping an object and bowing her head all proved to be difficult tasks for her to master, so let’s not place too much expectation on her delicate little shoulders.

It’s ok Meghan, there’s always next year to out-shit yourself.

But it’s ok, guys – she still had more events to fuck things up at.

On the Saturday night, there was the Remembrance Concert at the Royal Albert Hall, where she thought it appropriate to show up in a dress where her cleavage was practically pressed up against everyone’s noses.

“For the fallen, y’all!”

And of course, she made sure her hand was on her stomach again – can’t miss a big opportunity to hint that you’re pregnant, eh Megs? Or maybe it was the dodgy dinner from the McDonalds drive thru on the way in playing havoc on her intestines?

“Don’t happen to know where the bogs are, do you?”

But despite the ugly, boaty and inappropriate dress, stomach-clutching and scary gurning, Megs’s biggest test at hiding her true feelings came when she realised how far away her and her darling hubby were sat from the Real Royal Family.

“Wills, have you seen how far back they are?!”
“I know – they might as well be in LA!”

“Pair of fuckers.”

That one must’ve stung, but surely she understands?
I mean, her and Haz are usually twenty miles away from the rest of them anyway, so she should be used to it by now – and perhaps they were worried she’d do that weird thing with her head again or keep trying to get her plump midriff into every photo, so they made the necessary changes to the seating plan.

“As long as she’s not sittin’ near me, I ain’t arsed.”

And then it was Sunday, and the traditional appearance made by the BRF at the Cenotaph on White Hall, where wreaths are laid by members of the family, and a two-minute silence is held.

Her Majesty The Queen was joined by The Duchess of Cornwall and The Duchess of Cambridge on one balcony (as the current Queen and two future Queen Consorts)…

while Meghan was left to bother Sophie, Countess of Wessex on another – which I’m sure Soph was fucking thrilled with.

“No. Do NOT fucking speak to me.”

Meghan’s attire was semi-ok; she actually managed to stick to the colour theme of ‘black’ with little assistance, even if the coat was too large and the hat looked like something my grandmother would wear to sit in the sun.

And she even tried her hardest with the solemn expressions too – even if they do look more like she is trying to hold in a fart, or, y’know, remember which war they were even commemorating.

“Was it maybe the Gulf War, because – oh never mind, I’ve spotted a camera.”

Whatever happened on the Wessex/Sussex balcony, I’ll bet Kate was just super pleased she wasn’t stuck with Hollywood Ho on her own one.

“Just keep her far away from me or you’ll be commemorating World War 3 next.”

Windsor Coffee Morning

As if the residents of Windsor hadn’t suffered enough being subjected to weddings, christenings and a shitload of ridiculous orders from these two morons, they added insult to injury by showing up at a coffee morning for the Coldstream Guards and their families to talk more about themselves – and of course, show their love for the kids.

“Ok, let go of me and keep that bloody chocolate muffin away from my weave and Givenchy shirt please.”

Joining other families, who probably didn’t give a shit about their presence, the two of them proceeded to provide updates on Archie (which still, nobody gave a shit about).

But despite no one asking, they still proceeded to tell everyone that Archie now ‘had two teeth’ in his lower row of gums.

And that he has also started crawling!

Yes – can you believe it? At six months old, he is doing what other babies his age do! He eats, sleeps, crawls and shits! How wonderful to receive this exciting piece of information – I’ll sleep well tonight now.

And honestly, what is with the hypocrisy of these two? Didn’t you just earlier this year tell your neighbours to ‘get the fuck away’ from you and NOT approach you for a conversation if they saw you in the street? Or ask to see Archie? And now you’re trying to have a chat with everyone like you’re all best pals?

I can only imagine what their neighbours were thinking of them.

“When are you going to piss off back to Kensington?”

Christmas in LA?

So the original story was that Haz and Megs were heading to California for Thanksgiving this year as part of their six-week break, so that Archie could be introduced to American traditions (or some shit), but said story has apparently since changed.

Now, it has emerged that Doria will spend Thanksgiving in the UK instead and that the Sussexes will now go to the USA for Christmas, foregoing the standard Sandringham practice.

Well… there are a couple of issues with this picture.
The first one being… we don’t fucking celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK?

Secondly, in keeping with the above, Meghan and her mother are apparently going to hand out ‘Thanksgiving’ meals to the homeless, at some shelter somewhere.

After drafting the rough version of this post (some two weeks ago now), it has since changed (yet again) to a story that tells us that Harry and Meghan will now actually be attending Christmas at Sandringham after ‘a change of plans’.

Honestly, we were all looking forward to a six-week break. No new photos of Prat 1 and Prat 2 gurning and holding hands. The flag flies high above Buckingham Palace. Children can laugh and play in the streets again…. Peace and quiet. Shattered.

I’m really starting to feel at this point that it’s going to take a specially commissioned rocket to get rid of these two.

Love, NASA xo

Last appearance before break

And then we come to Holiday Harry’s ‘last appearance’ before his non-break with his family.

The visit was for charity OnSide, where dear old Hazza presented an award onstage at the Health and Wellbeing awards – seemingly the only task he undertakes these days.

“I know yah, I’m surprised I turned up too.”

He then went on to talk about Greta Thunberg, praising her for her strikes outside Swedish parliament last year, in view of protecting the climate.

Well, I’m sure Greta was just thrilled at being mentioned by Haz – a man who loves taking private jets all over the globe when it’s just himself, his wife and his baby travelling and flies to other countries for a two-hour sporting event.

“No thanks, dude.”

I’m sure the audience and charities in attendance were even more thrilled that Harry, probably getting dressed quickly in a hungover stupor, appears to have picked up some trousers from the washing basket that had remnants of last night’s kebab on them.

Or maybe he just got too excited about being out without his wife?

I guess if it’s not a red carpet event with Jay-Z and Beyonce, it’s just not worth the effort, huh?

Well of course a lot more than that has happened over the last few weeks, a lot more will occur and I fully intend to start afresh next weekend with more royal shenanigans.

Until then, sit tight, take it easy and I’ll see you next weekend!

Royal Round Up: 3rd November

Evening all!

I know I said there may be a slight delay, but keen not to disappoint, I grounded my arse on the sofa with some dinner and a glass of wine and ploughed on through.

Almost there! Just a little… bit.. more!

It’s later in the day than usual, but keen not to keep you waiting any longer, let’s dive on in!

Meghan begged to be in the tabloids

So last weekend, literally just after I posted the last RRU, a story broke in the press about Meghan allegedly ‘begging’ Katie Hind from The Mail On Sunday to put her in the tabloids six years ago, and about three years before she trapped Prince Harry.

Quelle fucking surprise

I mean really, assuming this is true (and I imagine it is, as I don’t think Katie Hind would put herself in the media firing line unnecessarily), none of us are particularly surprised by this– especially since it was well known that Meg also ‘begged’ a lot of her UK connections to set her up with a ‘rich British dude’ or some shit.

But anyway, the story was that dear old Meghan told Katie to write ‘something, anything’ about her in order to make sure she was mentioned in the UK tabloids – because it was around this time that Meghan realised the US press didn’t give a flying one about her, so she needed to move onto pastures new.

“Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you! Who’s next?” – Meghan leaving the USA media behind and boarding her flight for Heathrow

Apparently Meghan’s publicist, who by all accounts sounds as ferocious as Meghan, begged Katie to meet Meghan for a drink in Soho, London– where Meggers made it clear to Katie that she’d be happy for even a ‘quick mention’ at the end of one of Katie’s weekly column.

Meghan even went as far as to ask Katie to set her up with footballer Ashley Cole, who as we all know was married to Cheryl (formerly) Cole and proceeded to shag a tonne of women while they were together, and allegedly, occasionally beat Cheryl up.
I get that he’s a footballer and has money but let’s face it, times are clearly fucking tough if you’re asking someone to set you up with Ashley bloody Cole.

But Katie quickly ‘squashed Meghan’s dreams of becoming a WAG’ (lol) when she told her how turbulent Ashley and Cheryl’s marriage was, leaving Meghan looking ‘disappointed’ – but probably leaving Ashley fucking relieved.

Actual footage of Ashley Cole trying to depart the UK

Katie needn’t have bothered; I don’t think Meghan had visions of her and Ashley holding hands on a porch somewhere in their 80s and watching their grandchildren play in the garden; I’m pretty sure she was planning on getting the ring, popping out a kid and leaving with half his bank account within two years. This ain’t Romeo and Juliet, Ms Hind.

Busted

I’m only left to assume that Meghan spiked Katie’s prosecco while she was in the bathroom, because Katie did in fact give Meghan a mention in her column and appears to have spun some bullshit about how it was MEG that turned down a date with ASHLEY, instead of the real story – that Meghan begged Katie and Katie saved both her and Ashley the embarassment by nipping it in the bud.

“Yeah, that didn’t fucking happen.”

In any case, all’s well that ends well and I’m sure Ashley is still counting his lucky stars over his narrow escape, while Meghan counts her divorce settlement dosh.

Everyone’s a winner!

Kate and Meghan make amends

I’m not totally buying this bullshit, but as it’s in the news, I may as well put in my two cents.

So The Daily Mail ran a story earlier this week that apparently Kate ‘reached out to Meghan’ after seeing the very sad instalment of The Meghan Show while the Sussexes were out in Africa.

Yeah and I’m the Pope

Kate, who clearly hasn’t been able to stand Meghan for the last three years but is now apparently busting her arse to help her, told Meghan that ‘all royals go through a bad patch’ and that she will eventually get through it – along with providing her advice on how to improve her image.

I mean – I’m sure the real execution of this was a little nicer

Woah there, Catherine; firstly, if there’s one thing we’ve learnt over the years, it’s that Meghan will essentially use all advice given as toilet paper, while she attempts to force out tears on camera about how ‘difficult’ life is in her castle and on the taxpayers’ dime.
Because she’s about as allergic to listening as she is to closing her trap and avoiding the cameras. Best not to waste your time.

Secondly, I’m just not buying it for the more logical reasons.

You really mean to tell me that Catherine and Meghan haven’t been close at all for the last three years, but Meghan gives some bullshit sob story (while she’s meant to be representing the UK abroad) and suddenly Catherine’s over there with a bundt cake and a pack of tissues, ready to wave her magic wand over Meghan’s life?

You’d be better off hitting her on the fucking head with it

Like Kate would be interested in the whinings of a self-serving narcissist, when she went through all that and more without any real public support for years; and instead of using a royal tour as an opportunity to make things about herself, she instead belted up and moulded her image to that of a future Queen, and one the UK could be proud of.

Honestly, if Kate went round to Meghan’s at any point, it was probably to strangle her with the charger cord of that new ‘eco-friendly’ car Haz and Megs bought.

“Stop fucking things up bitch, you’re making us ALL look shit!”

I’m not dismissing it outright, but given the backstory of these two, and on account of the fact that Kate doesn’t appear to be an idiot, I’m getting strong hints of ‘Meghan’s PR Team‘ and slight tones of ‘Pile Of Bullshit‘ on this one.

MPs back Meghan

Fuck me, could it get anymore crazy?

Yes, apparently our British MPs wrote Meghan a letter, demonstrating their ‘support’ for her during this ‘rough time in her life’; because it’s not as if they have anything more pressing to worry about at the moment, like Brexit, frayed international relations and having that twat Boris Johnson at the helm of things, is it?

And of course, keen to keep her name in the newspapers, Meghan called them to ‘thank them for their support’ – while she tried to remember whose names to ask for when she rang, having forgotten who had penned the letter after Harry used it as toilet paper by mistake in the middle of the night.

“Don’t get so vexed Meghan – I thought it was the Andrex, yah.”

Let’s face it, this is total shite. These MPs likely also couldn’t give a rat’s arse about Meghan and her moaning – it’s probably more related to the fact that we are about to go into a General Election next month, and all MPs are looking to drum up as much popularity as they can for their own parties before such time.

Meghan, too dense to see that she is being played at her own game, apparently sat and talked on the phone with MP Holly Lynch, discussing ‘the pressures of being a public figure’ (yeah ok hun) and ‘the difficulties of juggling childcare’.

Yes, Meghan Markle, a British Royal Duchess with access to the public purse and a Prince for a husband, apparently can’t find sufficient childcare for her baby…
Is she having a bloody laugh? Doesn’t she have a nanny? Or has she fucked off too already?

Yes Meghan, I’m sure that 7-quid an hour wage from stacking shelves at Sainsbury’s makes it super difficult to find a babysitter for Archie when you’re working 14-hour days.

“Great, now I can’t afford the electric bill, yah.”

Or perhaps what she meant was that everybody walks out because she’s such a bloody nightmare to work for, so yes, if that’s the case, I see what the problem might be here.

Otherwise – put a sock in it, love.

Meghan tries to be relatable (again)

Ever the busy ‘working woman’, and of course desperate to be out in the tabloids constantly, Meghan this week went to do yet more cooking with yet more under-privileged folk, to show just how much her and Mother Theresa have in common.

“I know babes, I’m just like you – except richer and thinner.”

Meghan visited Luminary Bakery in Camden– a place of work for women who have suffered addiction issues, domestic violence and other similar plights that Meghan would have no understanding of at all, but it’s the thought that counts, I guess.

Because her skills likely don’t extend much past the bedroom or kitchen (and even the latter is questionable considering her idea of a gourmet meal is avocado on toast), Meghan got down to doing some baking with the women, even including her special ingredient:

“So this is my go-to ingredient for most dishes, although I’m running low now… it’s called Harry Du Balles.”

But of course, as ever, no royal engagement for Mrs Sussex is complete without her turning it into a life story about herself. She took this opportunity to tell yet more people, who have fuck all in common with her, just how ‘alike’ they are after all!
(Except she is richer, more famous, married to a Prince and lives in a royal residence. But hey ho, these are just technicalities.)

Meghan very kindly told everybody not to stand on ceremony for her arrival (like they fucking were, anyway), because even though she is “just like so important yah”, “at the end of the day, we are all just women.”

Yeah thanks for letting me know I have a vagina, Meghan – I had no clue after twenty six years, after all.

Ever the eloquent speaker, she went on to say “people have this expectation when I’m coming somewhere, so I’m like, let’s just be really relaxed, keep everyone nice and chilled.”

“Keep them nice and chilled”? They’re not bottles of fucking Pinot Grigio, hun.

And “like”, “chilled”…. The Queen Mother would be turning in her grave knowing that a member of the Royal Family actually speaks like this publicly.

“Honestly, where the fuck did you find this one?”

Secondly, Meghan – nobody expects shit from you, so please don’t flatter yourself.

Apart from maybe having you tie your hair up before you cook anything; because being the ‘seasoned chef’ that you are, you’d think you’d know by now that pinning your weave back before you cook is Rule Number One… and while you yourself might value your strands of DNA as gold dust, I can assure you that nobody wants to find one in their lemon meringue.

They’re all wondering which one has the hair in their cake

Kate has a girls night out

G’wan Kate, ya bad bitch

Yep, it was said that just a day or two ago, Catherine got together with the other mums from George and Charlotte’s school to ‘have a few glasses of wine and a natter’ in Kensington, at The Hollywood Arms – a lowkey venue on the high street.

The drinks party served as a ‘meet and greet’ between the parents, where Catherine was able to ‘hang out freely’ with her new friends and ‘enjoy a few drinks’ in relative privacy, having entered the party through a ‘secret door’ to the bar’s alley that was actually commissioned by Prince Harry some years ago, back when he was actually a laugh and not a sad sack of shite.

Catherine was apparently ‘relaxed’ while drinking with her new pals – and how she doesn’t slip up and say too much she shouldn’t after a few glasses of wine (like I frequently do), I don’t know. Before going out, I’m all:

And after my third Merlot, it’s more like:

In any case, I guess that secret door to the Kensington Palace grounds came in handy once a slightly pissed Kate stumbled into a hedge while attempting to head toward the palace after a few too many Cab Savs, likely with a couple of security officers having to hold her up:

“Get your hands off me – one can bloody walk unaided, you know.”

But not before she kicked off her heels, walked down the street barefoot and grabbed a kebab on the high street:

“Oi. Where’s my fucking change?”

And then proceeded to bang on the front door for Prince William to open it (as she’d “lost her sodding keys again”), and then woke all her children up by blaring House music at midnight, much to William’s annoyance.

“Ready Wills? Turn that shit UP.”

Ok, quite clearly that didn’t happen (we don’t think), but I’d have fucking loved it if it did. One of us? You bet!

Ok ladies and gents – early warning that next week’s blog may possibly be a little late; I am on a short break to Norway next Saturday for a few days, so that causes a bit of an issue where the blog is concerned, but as always, I will endeavour to have it up as soon as possible.

In the meantime, have a fab week, be good and I’ll see you all for another instalment next week!