Thecrownsofbritain©

Well hello everyone and welcome to a new royal round up! I hope you’re all well and having a good week so far!

Well feeling suitably relaxed from my break in Greece (until I returned to the office, that is), I’m ready to get stuck into all the royal goings-on.

Though I am missing this view more than I can tell you — especially now I’m back and wanting to throw some of my colleagues out of a window.

So without further ado, let’s get going!

Lying in State and The Queen’s funeral

Well, wasn’t that a hectic week!

Following Her Majesty’s final departure from Scotland and return to London, her body was taken to lie in State for four whole days at Westminster Hall, whereby the public could join a 30-hour queue and pay their respects to the late monarch.

I was a big fan of QEII, but quite frankly:

The queue quickly reached my work in London Bridge on the first day before the doors even opened and I swear, my colleagues and I bolted from the office faster than if the directors had called a 5pm meeting.

But of course, in true royal fashion, there was a procession to get Her Majesty from Buckingham Palace to Westminster Hall for the lying in state to begin, joined by members of the Royal Family (and Harry).

Of course, Meglomaniac was also in attendance to “pay her respects”, like she ever had any to begin with. Being driven over to Westminster Hall, Markle gazed out of the window at the Queen’s adoring subjects– probably mistaking them for being ~~what’s left of~~ her own fans.

“Isn’t the reception for our return to the U.K. just **fabulous**, Harry?”

“Actually babes— I think they’re here for Nan.”

“Why, what happened to her?”

But Meghan’s ‘star moment’ of being in front of the public didn’t last long once they reached Westminster Hall and were made to stand behind The Prince and Princess of Wales– a bump back down to earth when Meg was reminded of her place within the hierarchy.

“Meg babes– you’re looking ever so solemn. People will actually start to believe you genuinely miss The Queen!”

“Yes, when in actual fact, it’s because I’m stuck behind my giraffe of a sister-in-law again.”

For the second time in just a few days, Megsy was forced to walk a few paces behind Catherine, Princess of Wales– where she could do nothing but glare at the back of her sister-in-law’s glorious head.

“Shame I didn’t pack the scissors in my clutch. One snip and I’ll have the best weave in California.”

The Royal Family sang a few hymns in honour of The Queen, while Meghan tried her hardest to scope out the nearest camera and for some reason, spend most of the short service smirking.

“That imperial crown would look bloody good on me, yah.”

“Babes— when and **why** would you ever be need to be wearing the imperial crown?”

“I dunno… just to do the dishes and watch 90 Day Fiancé on a Friday night with a bottle of Chablis, innit.”

But while Meghan was pre-occupied with Kate’s head and how she could steal the crown jewels, it was dear old Harry who was suddenly overcome with emotion during all that singing– not that his wife cared.

“Fucking hell— this is humiliating, Harry. Your acting skills are nowhere near as impressive as mine.”

“But how would I know, babes — I’ve never seen you act.”

“The fuck you think I been doing the last 7 years since I met **you**?”

Honestly, I’m surprised they even let these two in. Who knows what stunt they might try and pull?

“Meghan, what the bloody hell are you doing, yah?”

“One of the fucking microphones fell out of my knickers — I’ll just make it look like I’m curtsying.”

Once the proceedings were over, the Royal Family (and Harry and Meghan) filed out– where Meg apparently decided it was a good time to hang off Harry’s hand again.

Because there’s no greater romantic setting in life quite like having your nan’s coffin parked behind you.

Are they fucking serious?

You’re not leaving a restaurant after a dinner in LA– you’re leaving a service where you were meant to be paying your respects to the late monarch. Did Doria drop this chick on her head as a baby?

Well… it would certainly answer a lot of questions.

In any case, it didn’t seem Harry was overly keen on this occasion.

Fucking hell, she’s cut off all circulation

Some photographer has actually zoomed in on their hands and taken a photo– this is how wildly and blatantly inappropriate it was (to everyone except Markle).

It’s left me speculating for the millionth time why it is she does this every time?

Can she not walk in her heels?

“Harry, just hold my bloody hand, yah — I’m used to being on my **back**, not my arse.”

Is she scared Harry will come to his senses and ditch her so he can be with his family?

“…well, not really, but please don’t talk to your family as you’re the only one who hasn’t seen right through me yet and I’d like to keep it that way.”

Or has Harry indeed been replaced by a robot and the hand squeeze is how she controls him?

“Now say goodbye to your dad and brother and tell them we’ll see them in another three years or when they decide to give us higher titles. Whichever comes first.”

But I digress.

Just a few days later, on Monday 19th September, it was time for the funeral of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

Before I get into ripping the Sussexes a new one, can I just say how well it was all conducted and that everyone involved in the processions and various services of the day should be really proud of the amazing job they did.

And with that said… back to the family!

The day started with the procession of The Queen’s body from Westminster Hall to Westminster Abbey, where the male members of the family (and Princess Anne, The Princess Royal) walked behind the coffin to the service.

Harry really tried hard to look as sad as possible— either that or he had some dodgy eggs at the palace beforehand and was trying to avoid blowing a turd the size of Westminster out of his arse on the walk.

The female members of the family (and Markle) travelled in a car procession from Buckingham Palace to the Abbey, ahead of the coffin– as it was said that they would join the procession down the aisle of Westminster Abbey.

“Move your arse, kids— your auntie Meghan is getting out of the car and I’ve advised MI5 to keep her at least 15 feet away from me at all times.”

Poor Sophie, Countess of Wessex must have lost a game of rock-paper-scissors or something as she was stuck with Meg in the car behind Queen Camilla and Princess Catherine.

“I’d rather clean every palace toilet bowl with my tongue than sit with this harlot for another second.”

The fact that William and Kate would be bringing Prince George and Princess Charlotte of Wales to the funeral service so that they could pay their respects to their beloved Gan-Gan, was announced fairly last minute by the palace – but a very good move by them.

“Christ on a bike, George– is that **Great-Aunt Fergie**!?”

I have to say, I was a bit nervous during the Abbey procession as Harry and Meghan were walking behind the Wales family a little too closely for my liking.

“Did you remember the scissors this time, babes?”

“Yeah, except her hair is fucking UP when you said it would be DOWN.”

“I dunno yah, just cut a quick bit in the middle of her bun– you could get a nice new short fringe at least?”

“She touches one hair on my fucking head and she’ll be going back to California without a single strand on hers.”

But luckily, once reaching the High Altar, the Sussexes were seated pretty bloody far away from the Wales’ and directly behind King Charles, where he could keep an eye on them. Kind of like positioning your naughtiest child directly in line with your rearview mirror while driving.

“Now both of you– sit still, don’t talk, kick my chair, pick your nose or wave to the cameras and I won’t have to remove your titles altogether.”

During the service, and obviously being all too aware that this was being televised, Meghan just couldn’t help herself and tried exceedingly hard to force out a tear or two, just to demonstrate how utterly devastated she was.

For somebody who is void of any empathy or genuine emotion, she must have dug really deep into her nightmares to pull that one tear out.

“The kids don’t have titles… The kids don’t have titles… The kids don’t have titles… I think it’s working.”

Oh, bugger off Meg; I am fairly certain she snuck an onion into her handbag to aid this little performance, because there is no bloody way on this earth she ever gave a flying one about The Queen and certainly not enough to cry over her.

Luckily it wasn’t long before the service was over and Meghan was bundled back into the car (and out of view) for the super looooong procession from the Abbey, past Buckingham Palace and full steam ahead to Windsor Castle.

“…There are still going to be cameras, right Sophie?”
“Oh yes Meg– they just won’t be on you.”

Not that I’m saying any procession is too long for our Queen, but… it really was very long. And slow. With other members of the family walking in front, the female members (bar Princess Anne) were back in the cars again, moving at around 2mph for at least an hour. My thoughts generally wandered back to George and Charlotte, who must have been bored shitless.

“I need a burger– I think I can spot a KFC.”

“I need a fucking cigarette and for you both to shut up.”

But once the Queen had been taken off the gun carriage and put into the hearse, the family parted ways with her briefly as they drove ahead to Windsor Castle, her final resting place– where I can only imagine George and Charlotte were fed a late lunch in the back of the car.

“Charlotte, where the fuck’s the Mexican you said you ordered on Uber Eats? You did tell the delivery guy to drive alongside us and throw it through the car window right?”

Also, and veering away from the family for a second, to whoever threw a whole fucking hedge at The Queen’s car as it went past leaving Westminster, please next time remember it is flowers only— not whatever pot plant you found in your front yard.

Anyway…. back to Windsor and a second committal service had begun in St. George’s Chapel, whereby the Wales family were forced to share a pew with Harry and Meghan, which must have been excruciating.

Big up Queen Elizabeth, who even in death, is making sure Meghan is cut out of the shot.

Bored journalists commented on William and Kate’s ‘sweet gesture’ by letting Harry and Meghan go ahead of them to sit down in their row, but I feel like this was less an act of kindness from the Wales’ and more wanting to be closest to the nearest exit.

“Let them go first Kate, yah– if one of those candles drops and burns the place down, at least we’ll be first out.”

“And if it doesn’t, we’ll at least be closer to the bar.”

Once done, as they did with Prince Philip’s funeral, the family filed out to a stream of waiting cars after King Charles and Queen Camilla had departed– with Harry and Meghan getting pushed to the back of the queue as everyone else filed out ahead of them– further reminding them they are not really part of the family anymore.

“It’s ok Meghan yah– let’s just take a bus or something.”

William, Kate, George and Charlotte sped away in a car, while Harry and Meg waited for theirs. There was a particularly great moment when a guard saluted and you could tell Meg thought it was just for her, before realising it probably wasn’t.

“Oh really, that isn’t necessary. We’re just regular people.”

“Seriously yah, my wife’s right: we’re just like you, except we have titles and more money.”

“Sorry, I was actually saluting the Prince and Princess of Wales. Who the bloody hell are you?”

And before I close this section off… again… I will direct you to this month’s installment of ‘just what in the fuck was Meghan wearing?’

Honey, when they said ‘cover your shoulders’ in the Abbey, they don’t mean just your shoulders. What was with the cape and bare arms?

The stupidity of it second only to her expression.

I was also more perplexed by her awful gloves that she insists on wearing to every royal event.

It’s ok love, you don’t need to wear your best murderer gloves– you’ve already killed The Queen through sheer stress.

It’s as though she thinks it makes her look any classier– when she does, in actual fact, look like one of those bird trainers that calls the falcon into land on their hand to impress a crowd or something.

“And this here is Harry the Hornbill who I use special birdsong for in order to call him away from his family, just in case he sees sense and doesn’t come back.”

Anyway, I’m sure the rest of the family were glad the funeral and period of public mourning was over as it meant they could pack the Sussexes back off to the USA and not see them again unless someone else dies.

Harry and Meghan upset over kids’ titles

But of course, the gruesome twosome couldn’t even leave the United Kingdom without trying to see what they could get out of it first.

Despite the fact The King has just lost his mother, Harry and Meghan were not about to board that plane without cornering Charles over the fact their kids still weren’t a prince and princess.

“But the letters patent clearly states they are automatically Prince and Princess, yah.”

“And your birth certificate clearly states that I’m your father, but who’s to know.”

Apparently the current situation is that Charles has agreed to make Archie and Lili a Prince and Princess (fuck knows why)– but will not be giving them the style of ‘HRH’, which has incensed Haz and Megs.

Why Charles is giving them shit all to begin with, I don’t know. The Sussexes were apparently adamant they didn’t want titles for their kids at birth because they wanted them to be ‘private citizens’– so their behaviour is now confirming what we all knew anyway.

The palace offered Harry’s secondary title of Earl of Dumbarton for Archie at birth, but clearly that wasn’t good enough for Mama Markle who stamped her bunion feet over the fact he wasn’t a Prince.

“Harry, tell those fucking losers it’s PRINCE or NOTHING!”

Does it really matter that much that they’re not HRH anyway? I mean, they don’t even live here and the USA doesn’t have a royal family last time I checked, so what purpose is this going to serve, apart from letting Meghan buy out more bullshit domains on the web?

“Harry, get the credit card— hrhprincesslilibet.com and hrhprincearchie.com are still available.”

I sincerely hope The King isn’t that retarded (no offense Your Maj). I’m taking it with a pinch of salt because it was The Daily Mail that reported this and they would probably declare me the monarch if I paid them enough money, but still… this is concerning.

A source from ~~another bullshit rag~~ The Sun reported of Harry and Meghan:

‘Harry and Meghan were worried about the security issue and being prince and princess brings them the right to have certain levels of royal security. There have been a lot of talks over the past week.
What a pile of poo.

Can these two just cut the shit please?

We all know it has nothing to do with ‘royal security’, because– and I say this as nicely as I can– no one actually gives a flying one about your kids. It echoes of the time she said she didn’t want to bring Archie up in Britain because he would be ‘mobbed at the school gates by 40 photographers everyday.”

That’s funny– I don’t see the Wales kids in the papers every day for going to school and there are three of them who are far closer to the throne than your kids ever will be.

I bet Kate spat her gin and tonic all over her Windsor Castle gaff when she read that one. If I were Kate, I’d be like:

“Bitch please, they don’t even do that with my kids and one of them is going to be the sovereign.”

Harry and Meghan fully remind me of the relatives that you literally never see unless a wealthy aunt or uncle has died and then they sniff about wanting to see what money or heirlooms they can swipe. By God, cousin Maria ain’t leaving that wake without at least two handfuls of pearl jewellery!

“Harry, you check the Queen’s bedside table and knicker drawer — I’ll hit up the drawing room and see if anyone’s left any gold lying about.”

If I were King Charles, I’d tell them both where to go. The man is grieving and after his son and his wife have badly dragged his late mother and the entire family consistently over the last few years, they now have the audacity to fight over titles rather than showing repect?

They are so lucky I am not Charles. I’d be all like:

“Here’s a mug with my face on it — now fuck off.”

No thanks, Sussexes. Now you’re back in California, please stay there with your title-less kids and don’t darken the UK border again.

William and Kate visit Wales

A palette cleanser!

Of course, now they are officially the Prince and Princess of Wales, William and Catherine made a visit over there last week to meet the locals and re-introduce themselves under their new titles– to which the crowds expressed their delight.

“I know– fucking finally, right? It only took 11 and a half years of slumming it as a Duchess.”

The couple talked to well-wishers outside of St. Thomas Church in Swansea, where The Princess of Wales talked about the cost of living crisis, speaking of how ‘desperate’ people have become and noting the importance of food and baby banks.

“It’s truly heartbreaking that so many families will have to pick between heating and eating this winter… I mean, we’re not one of them obviously, but Wills and I will spare you all a thought as we bust out the Thursday-night caviar.”

The Princess then met some adoring fans who presented her with a picture of her and William at their engagement photocall in 2010, prompting Kate to reflect on her relationship with the future King.

You know we’ve been married for 11 years and we’ve been together double that, so it’s extraordinary.

“Can you believe it yah? She waited that long just to be with **me?** It’s incredible!”

“Well actually babes, I’m more waiting to be Queen Consort, but it shouldn’t be too long now, right?”

“Well I don’t know actually, Kate– dad had a check up the other day and he’s really in excellent health.”

But referring back to her engagement, Kate also quipped that kids had seen photos of their engagement photocall too, telling her “mummy, you looked so young!” This may or may not have touched a nerve…

“And then the kids told Kate that she looked really young in those photos compared to now, but luckily never picked up on the fact that I had hair before and now I don’t. That really pissed her off.”

“We are heading to Harley Street first thing tomorrow. I’m not having this shit.”

But all’s well that ends well and the visit was a raging success overall, with the couple seeming to really enjoy themselves.

“Yeah, it was probably the four shots each of absinthe we did in the back of the helicopter on the way over.”

Meghan was ‘angry’ she didn’t get paid for royal appearances

As if this woman couldn’t sound any more vapid and tone deaf, it has actually come out that she moaned to her staff that she wasn’t ‘being paid’ to meet the crowds on royal walkabouts.

I’m fairly certain you married into the richest family in Britain — was that not payment enough?

I’m so baffled by this: her and her husband received millions a year to support their lifestyles– did she want the commission as well as the basic salary when she was doing fuck all anyway?

Just when I think she can’t shock me further, she does. Can you imagine if Queen Elizabeth refused to meet her subjects if there wasn’t cash involved? I can’t see her ever saying that.

“Alright I’ll head out there, but I’ll be fucked if you’re not throwing in twenty quid for it.”

One tabloid simply stated:

Meghan Markle thought royal walkabouts made no lucrative sense, reveals her former staffer.
Huh?

You know what else never made any lucrative sense, Meghan?

I mean, if anyone should be complaining here about losing money on something, it should be the British taxpayer. You made us spend millions on your stupid wedding, home renovations and ugly, ill-fitting clothing, yet didn’t want to shake hands for 10 minutes with the very people who paid for your lifestyle?

Seriously, is she smoking meth?

Did she expect to get paid for attending the Queen’s funeral too, perhaps? I have no idea how Harry hasn’t noticed how greedy his wife is yet.

“Ok, I can try asking if they’ll pay us for the funeral yah, but I can’t promise anything.”

“Yeah and don’t forget the lying-in-state too — I missed a nail appointment for that one.”

I feel like the mask slipped off quickly a while ago and Meghan has now stopped giving a shit altogether that we can see her for what she truly is: it’s just a shame her husband still hasn’t quite gotten there yet.

“Well she’s a self-absorbed narcissist who iced out her family, throws mugs of tea at staff and hates doing any sort of charity work– but I still think she’s a cracking chick.”

Maybe one day you’ll get there Harry, but it doesn’t really matter now as it’s already far too late anyway.

In any case, it’s been busy in royal world this week too, but I’ll cover this off next week; I’ve spent four seconds back in the UK and decided I’m already sick of it, so I’m heading to Stockholm for the weekend.

I’ll be back next week with more royal shenanigans! Until next time– have a fab weekend when it comes and see you next week!