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Royal Round-Up: 25th July

Hello everyone! Feels good to be back!!!

Firstly, my deepest apologies for the silence; I’ve had quite a few messages asking if I was taken ill and I really appreciate the concern (and apologise for scaring some!)– not ill, I’m happy to say– just been grappling with life.

As many of you might know, my mum ended up back in hospital in January and ended up being in there for 5 long months, so we’ve just been dealing with family stuff– happy to say she is back home now and so far, doing well, which is great.

Secondly– I actually got married 3 weeks ago, so things have been super hectic! Who knew planning what is essentially a big party could be so stressful?

Me when I stupidly didn’t break my shoes in properly before the ceremony and ended up feeling like both my feet needed to be amputated long before I even left the hair and make up chair

Now things have calmed down a bit and I can get on with the every day, I can hopefully make a more permanent return to the blog– and that means revisiting some pretty old news, but I can’t miss out on some of these gems.. So buckle up, bear with me and let’s take a skip through some of the biggest events in the last couple of months!

Lilibet Diana

So sometime in early June, the “long awaited” (snort) arrival of Meghan and Harry’s daughter finally came, when baby Lilibet “Lili” Diana arrived in Santa Barbara, California.

“Yo, we got a package from Reborn Dolls for a Meghan Windsor? I’ll just drop it here, yo.”

Firstly… the name.

We all saw the Diana part coming– I mean, there was no way on this earth that Meghan was going to miss that opportunity after having stalked Diana since she was a teenager.

No, the real slap in the face was the ‘Lilibet’ part. Lilibet– the personal nickname used for the Queen by her friends, family and late husband, give to her originally by her late father, King George VI.

And after a full year of dragging the family, putting the Queen through stress and essentially accusing her of being a racist, Harry and Meghan have the audacity to name their kid after her.

I mean really, what was the point of this? They clearly have no interest in currying favour with the monarchy and have spent the last year or more trying their hardest to show the royal family how little they give a shit about them, so naming your kid after the monarch whose family you’re trying to tear down is an odd flex.

“I know I’ve been a real bitch to you yah, but we were super worried you were going to take our titles away, so even though I’ve called you an old racist, we’re gonna name the new doll after you, ok?”

But then came the drama: the BBC dared to report that Harry and Meghan had not actually asked the Queen for her permission before naming the kid Lilibet and all hell broke loose. The Sussexes’ lawyer, who must be the busiest legal rep in the world at this point, was told to get on the case and tell the BBC to go fuck themselves.

“Who the fuck do you all think you are, yah? I may have pounded a few whiskies before I spoke to gran, but I’m fairly certain she said it was ok.”

Harry and Meghan claimed that they had in fact spoken to The Queen prior to the baby’s arrival and she had given her blessing… sort of.

“Well like I said, I’m fairly certain… although there’s a chance Granny misheard “Lilibet” for “leper” and just thought we were paying homage to Meghan.”

But after being caught out registering web domains in Lilibet’s name long before her birth and before allegedly even speaking to The Queen, it appears that the couple knew they were spotted bullshitting (as per) and were forced to admit that they had indeed tried to merch their kid and were going to call her Lilibet anyway, regardless of the Queen’s approval.

“I’m not getting why y’all are so angry – doesn’t everyone prioritise registering their baby’s name as a domain just before their arrival? You do it while packing the hospital bag!”

I’ll bet the BBC laughed their arses off at that one; bit of advice to the Sussexes, but if you are going to lie about something that brazenly, don’t threaten legal action while you do so. Funnily enough, we’ve heard nothing about Harry and Meghan suing the BBC ever since.

“Well that’s namely because we’re a bit fucked now, yah.”

Harry’s penning 4 books

Surprised he even knows four words, let alone enough to fill four books.

So firstly, the story was that Harry was coming out with one tell-all memoir at the end of next year, because apparently he has had such a deeply complicated and busy life, he actually thinks he can fill a book with all of his experiences.

“Well there was that one time the butler was off and I had to put the toothpaste on the toothbrush myself… I could write a whole chapter on what a learning curve that was.”

Why doesn’t Harry just call this what it is, which is another bitch-fest and all-around assault he is launching against his ‘nearest and dearest’ with several mentions of his late mum thrown in to garner sympathy?

Let’s face it, he has basically sat on his arse consistently for the last 37 years, so he can’t have too many adventurous tales to tell. He’d struggle filling 1 page, let alone 4 books’ worth.

“And there was also the time I was told I had to pay for drinks in Mahiki… now I really understand how the common folk live.”

But then, late the other night, The Daily Mail came through and reported that Random House had actually signed Harry on for not one, but FOUR books– the last of which Harry will publish after The Queen dies, because he at least has the good grace to wait for his grandmother to cark it before he drags her.

I mean really, how low can you get? Whatever it is you have to say Harry, I’d recommend you just come out and say it now, because people aren’t going to like you any more for slating your grandmother after she dies as opposed to before. Her Majesty is probably the most respected monarch in British history, so please rest assured we will still hate you and your wife whether you say it now or in 5 years’ time.

”Why don’t you tell it to my face, you little shit.”

It goes without saying that I won’t be buying a single instalment of Harry’s lies books, unless maybe of course the UK starts panic buying toilet paper again and I need something to wipe my arse with.

“Bitch, give it to me – I’m old and barely continent.”
”Girl, fuck off, they have copies of Prince Harry’s memoir in the next aisle’s bargain bin – can’t you just buy a copy of that instead?!”

And while I don’t often tell others what to do, I’d recommend you all boycott this one too. Please don’t contribute to his sales so that he and madam can afford another maid, a Louis Vuitton changing bag for Lili or whatever other shit they waste their money on.

And if you run a bookstore, I know it’s tempting for sales purposes, but know that people will only show interest for about a week before it’s contents are revealed on the Daily Mail and no one has to actually fork out £10 for it anymore. Seriously, save yourself the time and leave this one off your order list.

The Cambridges hit The Euros

So the biggest thing to happen to England in 55 years, at least in sporting terms, occurred on Sunday 11th July– we finally got into a final of a major footballing tournament!

Ok it didn’t, but whatever

To mark the occasion, The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge attended with little Prince George to cheer on our national team– something which William was clearly delighted with being a massive football fan.

I was less excited about getting married

It seems little George has followed in his dad’s footsteps and is also big on the beautiful game, as he was seen getting just as animated as his dad when England scored, hugging both mum and dad.

“That’s right Georgie – one nil to England!… do watch mummy’s very white Chanel coat though, it was custom made in Paris.”

And we know Catherine is more of a tennis/Wimbledon girl, but even she was getting big into the game.

“Dear Lord, please bring on Jack Grealish and his incredibly toned legs. Amen.”

But sadly, it was not to be and the Italians beat us in a penalty shoot-out at the last minute, thus rendering England fans super depressed and vowing to never eat pizza or spaghetti ever again.

Just kidding Italy — it’s basically all I’ve eaten in the last 2 weeks

But where there’s some light-hearted fun, there was also a steamroller of morons coming in with their stupid comments toward an 8-year-old child enjoying the football.

I’m not really sure how you can bully a kid that way for simply wearing a suit, but if you’re a member of the Sussex Squad and you happen to be lurking on here, I’m just gonna put some of your folk on blast for a second and let you know these sort of comments toward a child are not necessary or acceptable:

You’re all scumbags 🤘🏼

Firstly, he already has two parents and none of you Sussex halfwits on Twitter are either of those people, so if you do somehow end up being his adoptive parents because the Cambridges decide they no longer want the job, then you can dress him in whatever you like. Until then…

Secondly, you all lose your shit when nobody is even saying anything about either of the Sussex kids, so apply that same anger when it’s aimed toward any kid at all, and you’re good to go.

Lilibet’s christening

So after insulting the family repeatedly, dragging them on the world stage, stealing your grandmother’s private nickname for your sprog and then announcing you’re going to ‘dish more dirt’ on them in four subsequent books, you then apparently think this is a good time to use granny’s home to christen your second child, whom she has never met.

“Gran, I know we’ve been royal shits yah, but could we borrow St. George’s Chapel for an hour in August? ….hello? …gran?”

No joke– the Sussexes apparently wanted to fly to England during a raging pandemic and have their daughter christened at Windsor Castle– an odd move for a pair that apparently wanted nothing to do with Britain, it’s people or it’s traditions.

You don’t think Meghan finally did her research and realised her daughter could only be in the line of succession if she was christened into the Church of England, do you?

“Fucking ‘ell Haz, she’s right — get your nan on the blower and see if she can chuck us the castle for an hour, will ya? Betty’s gonna get herself a place in line for the throne.”

However, after Meghan’s extra-curricular reading, her realisation that flying to the UK during COVID wouldn’t be simple– oh, and the Queen likely telling them to fuck off– it appears they have, as always, backtracked and changed their narrative.

Around a week ago now, the Sussex camp had a “friend” come forward and confirm that the Sussexes were not actually interested in having little Lili christened at shitty Windsor Castle and had instead opted for a ‘private’ christening in California– oh, and the royals are not invited.

Yeah – because I’m sure the 95-year-old monarch is truly devastated she doesn’t have to travel 11 hours to another continent to watch some water being chucked over a baby’s head.

“Chin chin fuckers — I’ll be at Balmoral if you need me.”

Some headlines even went as far as to scream that Wills and Kate had been “banned” from the ‘ceremony’ because Meghan and Harry quite simply don’t like them and don’t want them there.

“Quite frankly, I’d rather sit down hard on Westminster Abbey’s spire, anyway.”

Firstly, seeing as they’ve just about cut everyone out of their lives by now, what people do they actually have left to invite, let alone use as godparents? I mean, they’ve pissed off just about everyone so they must be really scraping the barrel now.

“Well there’s always Lindsay Lohan, but I think she’s at least C list by now.”

Secondly, why are they having her christened at all? Are Meghan and Harry even remotely religious?

“Religious enough to get the castle wedding.”

I would pay really good money to see the Sussexes drag their arses out of bed on a Sunday morning to attend their local church. Fifty quid tells me they’re usually still tucked up in bed at 11am, with the nanny or Doria handling the kids while mummy and daddy eventually find the energy to roll out and have some coffee prepared by the butler:

“Christ, which kid is that, screaming like a banshee? Aaron or Lucy?”

Also, if you live in California and your child has been born on US soil, why have her christened into the Church of England? The child’s father doesn’t even give a flying one about his own motherland, so why on earth would his American wife and children?

Please Harry & Meghan– stay where you are: I’m sure you can always find a good chapel in Vegas to have Lili-whatsherface christened.

A literal one

As this was my first post back after quite some time, I really wanted to write more but Harry and Meghan have been kinda quiet so it was a little tough finding material for this one.

Come on Sussexes – can’t you find someone else to sue?

However, I will do a prayer circle with you all that there are more shenanigans this week, thus giving me more material for the next post and more snark to serve.

In other side news, as we all know, Prince George of Cambridge turned 8 earlier this week, so to end this week’s post, I will leave you with the birthday portrait below taken by his mother, The Duchess of Cambridge in Norfolk.

And lastly, I really hope you’re all keeping well and safe as the tough times continue ❤️

Have a lovely week ahead and let’s catch up soon!