Royal round-up: 10th May

Well hello, and happy Sunday! 💋

This week has had a myriad of crap come out of it and at times, when jotting down headers prior to drafting the full ‘article’, I really didn’t know where to begin.

But after gathering my thoughts a bit, and muddling my way through the Sussex Shitshow, I’ve come up with the following.

Meghan and Archie read a book

Bloody hell, how could this NOT be the top header?

Oh, I feel horrible for laughing, but that was an absolute fucking disaster, wasn’t it?

So to mark the momentous occasion that was Archie’s 1st birthday, Harry and Meghan (mainly Meghan no doubt) thought it would be a good idea to release a video of Meghan reading to Archie— because it was one step up from releasing photos like the Cambridges do.

We all do, Meghan.

Traditionally, this would’ve been a sweet moment— a loving mum reading a book to her son as he celebrates his first year of life. But… that sort of wasn’t what happened.

Firstly, it was abundantly clear to anyone with eyes (maybe apart from Meghan) that the kid wasn’t the slightest fucking bit interested in the book his mum had in her hand.

He was putting more effort into escaping from her than Andy from Shawshank Redemption did from prison, but apparently dear old mummy here still wasn’t getting the message.

Archie squirmed and wriggled his way through the 5 minute segment, at times wailing in despair and at others, putting all his energy into throwing whatever book he could find onto the floor— probably aiming for his mother’s foot so that she’d stop reading.

”Shoulda held off on that bunion surgery bitch, Ima give you a real problem now.”

Don’t worry Archie, we all know how you feel— it was painful for all of us too.

But rather than recognising that her tot was tired or disinterested and putting the book away, Meghan, so desperate to one-up the Cambridges with her video and secure the headlines, ploughed on through with the reading— much to her son’s chagrin.

“Dad please, GET HER TO PUT THE FUCKING BOOK AWAY— this shit is longer than Harry Potter.”

Despite her obviously bored son, Meghan applied the Sussex Death Grip to Archie’s waist to hold him in place, effectively holding him hostage.

The book in question was something called “Duck, Rabbit”— likely a piece Meghan was paid to merch, given the ferocity she applied in getting her child to read the book with her.

“Is it a duck… or a rabbit?”
”Bitch it’s a dinosaur, can I take a fucking nap now?”

On top of this as well, I was super baffled as to why Meghan appeared to be reading the book to us, rather than to her son.

Is she auditioning for a kid’s show or something?

Meghan— I’m 26 years old and don’t need you to read me a book— I had my own mother do that when I was a toddler (and she did a far better bloody job of it), so perhaps your own kid would’ve been more engaged if you were more focused on his enjoyment, rather than forcing him to listen to something he clearly didn’t care about.

”Archie, I’m trying really hard to hold it together, but sit the fuck still or Disney won’t be giving me any more jobs.”

I’m only half joking with that caption, because it was also abundantly clear that Meghan was beginning to run out of patience about halfway through.

Although the fake, veneered smile was plastered in place, you could see flashes of deep annoyance that this little PR gig wasn’t quite going how she had anticipated and Archie’s refusal to play ball was grating on her.

Oh dear lol

When Archie tried to pick another book to read, as he was bored shitless of the one his mum was droning on about, Meghan seized the book from his hand, declaring “let’s read this one first!” (Probably because she was paid to read it on camera).

In addition to this, given her inability to engage her child and the fact that her kid literally NEVER looks at her face, it is rather clear that she’s not the one that reads to him in that household.

“Alright, I’ve read the fucking book and kissed him for the camera— where’s the fucking nanny?”

A+ for effort Meghan, but in future, please don’t use your child as a pawn in your PR games and force him to do something he clearly isn’t interested in.

Change his nappy, let him have a nap and bin the shit book— everyone’s a winner!… sort of.

“What in fuck’s name are you doing, woman— get off me!”

Harry and Meghan’s biography has a name

Speaking of books nobody’s interested in, apparently Harry and Meghan’s big biography now has a title!

Penned by unroyal haemorrhoid Omid Scobie, the title of this much anticipated novella is to be “Finding Freedom”— as though Meghan and Harry had escaped from being Prisoners of War in Afghanistan, rather than leaving a life of luxury within the royal family.

More like “Finding Funds”, as that’s all they’ll be fucking doing without the royal gravy train to ride on

And can people stop with this “modernising the royal family” shit? They’re meant to be a pillar of tradition and a representation of a thousand-year old monarchy; without that, we might as well have The Queen heading down the local shops for a pint of milk in the morning and Kate going out on engagements in a tracksuit.

”Yeh, I know me and Wills are late innit, but at least we fuckin’ turned up, so shut ya fat cakehole ya slag.”

I for one think this “biography” is going to bomb hard; how much can you really say about these two after two years of marriage, most of which Meghan has spent holding on to her stomach and looking for the nearest camera? Is that shit REALLY going to pad out a book?

Although you could probably fill an entire book with pictures of her holding that beach ball she had stuffed up her dress, and it would still be longer than War and Peace.

Unless that’s what Scoobie Doo is planning on doing, he’s pretty fucked as far as material goes. I mean, it’s not as though he can really blow the cover wide open on their antics and game-playing, both with the royal family and the media.

“I mean, it’s fairly simple yah; I just let this harlot swan in, got hitched, bagged us a few titles, told granny to fuck off and now here we are— ‘And they lived happily ever after’.”

I’ll be honest with you, like a lot of you, I’m more interested in the books and interviews that will be published after the divorce— I’m ready and waiting for THAT shit, let me tell ya.

Amazon Prime and wine at the ready!

Harry gives up his guns

Probably around the same time he relinquished his balls.

In another desperate bid to please his wife, because apparently giving up his entire bloody family was not enough, Harry has now relinquished his hunting rifles, as Meghan apparently “doesn’t approve” of hunting.

Doesn’t really look like she approves of you breathing at this point either, mate

I’m not really sure what Meghan’s expecting of him; I don’t particularly care for killing animals as sport either, or for any other reason, but she married a posh toff from the royal family— they ALL fucking hunt.

And in any case, what harm is it doing? I doubt he’ll have much to hunt in mainland Los Angeles— it’s hardly Windsor Great Park, is it?

“Here Meghan, I appear to have caught a rare type of Kardashian, yah.”

Having said that, she’s probably actually done Harry a favour; I can see her locking and loading in Hazza’s direction after he sneaks off to the pub for a swift half. Better not to have them around.

“Meghan, it was only a pint yah, why do you always have to bust out the AK-47, babes?”

All in all, Harry’s handmade rifle set apparently cost £50,000 in total— money I’m sure they could use right now, but hardly fair on a man who has been hunting since he could walk.

According to the tabloids, ‘animal-loving Meghan’ just couldn’t stand seeing Harry inflicting harm on innocent creatures.

Sorry, where were we?

Ah, yes— the Mother Theresa of Animals, Meghan Markle.

Apparently Meghan is so against the killing of animals, that she follows a strict vegan diet from Monday to Friday, but she feels less strongly about chickens being strangled over the weekend, and is not a vegan on Saturdays and Sundays.

Girl, pick a fucking lane and stick to it; either you’re a vegan or you’re not— stop making a mockery of people who don’t eat meat because they have certain principals they want to uphold.

That’s like me telling you I’m anti-drugs but then partaking in recreational drug use on the weekends.

Yes, one does enjoy a little bit of black tar heroin on a Saturday night

Honestly, I’m getting real tired of this woman’s phoney bullshit now. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to be faker than Barbie and an all-around raging hypocrite.

And Harry, as for you, know that it never pays to change who you are for a partner— especially since that marriage has about as much chance of working out as I do of sitting on the throne of Britain.

When you finally wake up, head to the pawn shop, grab your balls and guns and come home to England. We’ll have a pint ready for you.

Harry and Meghan’s LA mansion

Also this week, it has become public knowledge that Harry and Meghan are squatting staying at Tyler Perry’s £15 million mansion in LA.


I’m not entirely sure what Meghan’s definition is of “living life” is, but if staying in a big fuck-off 8-bedroom, 12-bathroom mansion free of charge is not “thriving”, I don’t know what is.

Poor Meggy— don’t worry babes, I’ll think of you when I’m heading back to the office in a few weeks time, shoving my way onto the Jubilee line at 8am and trying to stop my fellow commuters coughing coronavirus into my face.

And of course, it was buttplug Oprah that arranged the stay, because she’d organise World War 3 if she thought it was going to keep her relevant.

All of these arse-kissers are going to really regret wasting so much time on these freeloaders when they are no longer today’s news.

Think Oprah’s gonna arrange mansions for you to crash in and Elton John’s gonna give you his plane for your holidays once you’re both divorced and Meghan’s back blowing people on some cable show?

And here’s a question for the Sussex fans— if these two are supposedly so rich, and Meghan “had lots of her own money” pre-Harry, why haven’t these two paid for their own home yet?

Wait no, sorry— why haven’t they paid for anything at all in the last two years?

They’ve been coasting between countries to get various governments to cover their security, like it’s owed to them. Luckily, most people told them where to go.

”…but you can shove the Canadian flag up your arses if you think we’re funding your security.”

They’ve also borrowed countless planes from “friends” and now they’re sofa-surfing their way through California.

For fuck’s sake you two— buckle up, get real jobs, buy a home and give your son some stability; he won’t thank you in ten years’ time when you’re still digging for handouts from people in a higher place than you and still have nowhere to live.

”Please Madonna, just two more nights in the shed yah, we only have £5million left in the bank!”

Either way, I do hope the Sussexes have finally managed to “thrive” instead of just “survive”, away from the perils of the UK and all the fancy shit we paid for while they were here, so that they could rob us and then call us all racists.

I feel super bad as I really wanted to draw attention to The Duchess of Cambridge’s ‘Hold Still’ campaign with the National Portrait Gallery, but as usual, the Sussexes have taken up far too much time and attention, so I may have to cover this off next week now instead.

I think I’ve talked for long enough now, so I’ll let you all go and enjoy the remainder of your weekend, but I’ll be back next week and I’m sure there’ll be lots more to report on!

Until then, have a good one, guys! 💋