Just a note to say I’ll be taking a small break from the blog. It won’t be for long – just a short spell.
I put a lot of time and effort into the blog every week, often giving up a large portion of my Sunday, in order to make people laugh and give them some enjoyment… so it’s a real shame that some of the people who expect me to entertain them think it’s ok to attack me on Twitter for expressing my own views on other matters and to call me names.
I shouldn’t be expected to carry on entertaining if this is how people behave. It’s not fair and it’s not right. I keep the blog running because I enjoy making you all laugh – but I won’t be subjected to abuse either. This is obviously not aimed at everyone, because 99% of you are lovely and I don’t like having to “punish” you all, but I really do need a break.
I’ll be back soon; for now, take care, stay safe and we’ll catch up in the very near future 💖
My biggest apologies for the lack of post last week – I’ve had a crazy week or so at work, whereby my colleagues think I’m an Indian God with ten arms and can do twenty things at once.
But determined to forget all that shite for a few minutes, let’s take some time to reflect on all the biggest royal events from the last two weeks!
Kate’s a sport
So well over a week ago now, The Duchess of Cambridge attended a special event at the London Stadium, where she showed off her sporty side alongside Jessica Ennis-Hill.
The event was designed for Catherine to meet young athletes who are at the beginning of their careers, along with their parents and guardians.
Catherine, who is known to be quite competitive, also had the opportunity to race Ennis-Hill down the track at Queen Elizabeth park.
During this event, Catherine also got a chance to partake in a little self defence class – where she learned some new moves, should she happen to need these at any point in the near future…
Kate, who has always been into sports, really got into the swing of things at the engagement organised by Sports Aid, of which she is patron.
All in all, a successful visit, where the Duchess learned a lot from the young sporting professionals she met.
Meghan and Harry return to the U.K.
Yes, unfortunately, The Dumb and Dumber of Suspect graced us all with their presence this week as they arrived back in the UK for their “farewell tour”, further subjecting us to more fake grins and nauseating hand holding.
First stop for Harry and Meghan was the Goring Hotel in Belgravia, where prices for a suite can top £8,000 per night. So glad to see they’re spending our money wisely.
Why these two self-entitled prats are paying thousands and thousands to stay at one of London’s swankiest hotels, I don’t know. They made us foot the bill for all of Frogmore’s renovations and now they can’t even be bothered to sleep in there for a few nights?
And then, determined to stay relevant, the gruesome twosome headed out for their “final” of engagements– starting with an appearance at the annual Endeavour Awards.
What the point was of this visit, I don’t know; as usual, Meghan hung off Harry like he was some sort of life raft and their central focus of this event wasn’t actually clear. They came in, farted about for a bit and then left. But not before Meghan left a nice message for her adoptive nation..
Of course, this must have been a difficult visit, what with Meghan and Harry expressing how badly they’ve suffered with PTSD from being in front of the cameras. Meghan was clearly having a tough time:
And of course, no Sussex Shitshow is complete without Meghan polishing her acting skills when pretending she gives a toss. And so, when a military veteran took to the stage to propose to his partner, Meghan also took the opportunity to update her audition tape reel for any Hollywood casting directors who were watching:
And no Sussex Shitshow is also complete without Meghan getting up onstage to hear the sound of her own voice. Let’s face it, no one else is listening, so she may as well listen to herself.
But while the rest of the Sussex fandom got excited over Twat 1 and Twat 2’s return, others were drawn to slightly, er, bigger matters, such as a suspicious bulge in the front of her dress:
What could this suspicious bulge be?
A sanitary pad? Her second born hanging out of her? The Crown Jewels? Maybe she simply hasn’t shaved in a long while? Fuck knows. But whatever it is, I wish it would go away, along with Harry and Meghan themselves.
But unfortunately, no such luck just yet.
Our Pair of Prats were on hand to play dress up once again last night, as they attended the Mountbatten Festival of Music at the Royal Albert Hall — which made me laugh, because they’re basically no longer Mountbatten-Windsors.
Honestly, on a serious note, Harry has some fucking nerve wearing that uniform when he is essentially turning his back on all that he used to support. You don’t want to put in the work but happy to play dress up?
Meghan was obviously there for the cameras and the chance to wear a nice dress.
And of course, another opportunity for the Sussexes to show all is fine in their marriage by continuing to cling to each other like a kidney transplant patient relies on a dialysis machine.
Apparently once inside, these two received a “standing ovation”– for what, I don’t know– but I think it was more likely people were standing and applauding their exit.
But the best part of this visit was when Meghan and Harry took to Instagram to yes, you guessed it, somehow make the event all about themselves:
And don’t get me started on this International Women’s Day bollocks from Meghan.
I don’t know about you, but if I had a daughter, I’d be deeply disturbed if Meghan came to her school to give her life advice. I really think this was just another opportunity to have her ego stroked; I mean, most respectable adults couldn’t give two shits about her, so young, impressionable schoolgirls are all she really has left.
Personally, I’d be more excited to meet Bin Laden, but we’ll let these girls off as they’re only about 12 and easily taken in.
And yep, you guessed it; as predictable as all their photos being in black and white, it was time for another speech from Meghan – where she gave yet more tips on how to fleece the opposite sex (after last year’s debacle when she stole someone else’s quote).
She then invited some poor young lad up to talk about what the day meant to him, although being a dude, he probably didn’t give a shit.
I don’t think it’s coincidence that Meghan chose somebody of colour to join her onstage (because we can’t let that race card expire, now can we?); but in any case, she made sure she was seen hugging him – just to look like a good person at the very least.
But perhaps the most disturbing element of this visit was this weird photo of Meghan with the kids, where I get the feeling she was trying to go for some kind of Virgin Mary vibe:
Does this… remind you of anything at all?
Anyway – that’s enough reporting on these two idiots for one week – I’m sure more will come out that I’ll have to discuss next weekend, so let’s not give them more airtime than they deserve.
Royal tour of Ireland
Let’s take a moment to thank the Lord that we at least have these two to shake off any royal embarrassment.
So this last week, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge headed out on a royal tour of Ireland, where unlike another couple I can think of, they actually undertook some productive engagements.
On the couple’s first day, they met the President and Prime Minister, where they also paid a visit to the Garden of Remembrance.
Prince William even showed off his skills when it came to juggling, much to his wife’s amusement.
But of course – no trip to Ireland is complete without a pint of Guinness, and the Duke and Duchess were only too happy to oblige.
Some, however, accused Catherine of “fake sipping” her Guinness, with many royal watchers speculating she could be pregnant for the fourth time.
Honestly, I did notice that she appeared slightly fuller in the face on this tour, and that she did the thing she always does before announcing a pregnancy – she’s cut her hair:
However – at 38 and with three pregnancies already behind her, I do feel we are reading too much into these “signs” and that it’s highly unlikely she’s pregnant and more likely she just had some split ends and hates beer.
Catherine even got a chance to engage in more sporting events– which maybe could’ve gone better than it did…
All in all, it was a hugely successful trip for William and Catherine and restored a lot of the damage done this week by the Suckasses.
Well that’s all for this week, my darlings – I’m all typed out and need to get on with some housework.
But have a fab week ahead, stay safe and healthy and I’ll see you all next Sunday! 💋
Happy Sunday boys and girls! 💋 hope you’ve all had a fabulous week!
As I sit here, ready to dish the snark, I realise I really should be getting on with a tonne of housework instead, but as ever, this is way more entertaining.
So – with what was a rather explosive week in royal world – let’s get started!
Harry and Meghan banned from using “Sussex Royal”
Yes, the Queen has finally put her small, dainty foot down and told Harry and Meghan that, after spending thousands of pounds on setting up “Sussex Royal”, she’s not allowing them to cash in on the name after all.
The Queen might be nearly 94-years-old, but there’s no denying that she’s still sharp as a tack and with an incredible sense of humour.
Watching Harry and Meghan scramble around to try and hold on to the last dregs of their fortune, only to pull the rug from under their feet at the last minute is pretty fucking hilarious. I’m saluting the Queen this week.
But of course, no bit of Harry and Meghan news released is complete without the Sussex Shitheads dropping a statement to complain about how hard done by they are.
First of all, this statement held more shade than the Amazon rainforest. It was so petulant and passive aggressive, it couldn’t have echoed more of some of the aggy emails I send to idiots on a Monday morning.
The first gem that caught my eye was this little nugget, where Harry and Meghan appeared to be having a dig at other members of the BRF who have apparently held onto their titles without actively supporting the crown, a la Beatrice and Eugenie:
And honestly, are they really questioning why a 12-month review period has been put in place? Maybe because you’re both loose cannons and I wouldn’t trust you to clean my fucking windows, much less represent the monarchy in any capacity.
On a more serious note, it should also be stated that the reason nobody has an issue with Beatrice and Eugenie being known as “HRH Princess” is because neither of them rely on taxpayers’ money, they both have actual jobs and don’t expect the public to fork out for security.
And next up, Meghan was still keen to tell us all, as one last middle finger, that she is still “Her Royal Highness” but “just not using it”.
Honey, you’re fooling nobody; my toilet is more regal than you’ll ever be and forget “HRH”, we all know you’ll lose the lot when the divorce happens anyway. I’d enjoy it while you can.
They were also keen to remind us that Harry is still in line for the throne, yet he’s so far back, I’ve got more chance of becoming President of the United States than he does of becoming King.
Then Twat 1 and Twat 2 moved on to the issue of security, as though any of us are really losing sleep over their safety.
And “The Duchess’s own independent profile”? What would that be, love? Oh wait – don’t tell me!
They also talked about how Harry would retain some random titles he apparently “earned” in the military, but wouldn’t be allowed to use, as they were “gifted by the sovereign”.
Haz and Megs were also keen to let us know how incredibly close they are with their “team” (all two of them that are left), and that they have “worked closely” with them all to ensure that there is a “smooth transition”.
Oh yeah – I’m sure Meghan is real close to them sat on her arse four thousand miles across the Atlantic, barely remembering any of their names, let alone giving a shit where they end up.
And in regards to the all important ban of using “Sussex Royal”, the fact that they were no longer allowed to use this was pushed right to the bottom of the statement, largely because Meghan was probably having difficulty typing this out.
But eventually she got the words out, also whacking in the fact that they will “still continue with their charitable efforts” (lol) and will ultimately operate as a non-profit organisation.
If you’re planning on operating as a non-profit organisation, just how exactly do you expect to make your money?
They go on to talk about the legal implications of using the word “royal”, and reluctantly agree publicly not to use this anywhere going forward — largely because they probably couldn’t afford the legal team to go up against the Queen.
After trying to put more fluff on the statement regarding their inability to pimp out Sussex Royal, the pair end by saying that they are “excited” to share the next phase of their plans with everyone – although I honestly doubt they have come up with anything yet.
And while their statement may have been gracious (ha), what Meghan said afterwards behind closed doors, most certainly wasn’t.
Likely after one too many chardonnays, Meghan finally lost her shit and told her friends exactly what she thought of the Queen for banning their efforts to cash in on titles that the Sovereign created for them and can take away if they so wish.
Throw your toys out the pram all you like, Sussexes – we all know this won’t end well anyway, and as usual, the Queen has had the last laugh. Ta-ta, now!
Jon Bon Jovi texts
This has got to be the most embarrassing thing I will witness in 2020.
Last week, one of the Sussexes (probably Harry) took to Instagram to share a fake text conversation, depicting a fake exchange between Bon Jovi and Harry.
Who knows what the point of this was, but all I can say is that I was cringing 0.01 seconds in.
Honestly, I’m worried about what this means.
Is it going to be Harry getting up onstage after a few pints and singing with Bon Jovi? What a way to take the piss out of the wounded veterans of Invictus – this isn’t karaoke at your local, mate.
Secondly, this means he is actually planning a visit to the UK this coming week.
Please do spare us more embarrassing antics from Twat 1, whereby he will inevitably hijack the stage at some point to talk about “The Big Sussex Transition” and will probably throw in a few crocodile tears for good measure.
We’re in for a double surprise I’m sure if Twat 2 decides to join him – although I’m hoping she’ll think this beneath her and will stay sat on her ever-widening arse in Canada with Sussex Spawn.
Either way, this is sure to be a interesting week.
Prince Charles visits flood victims
Charlie boy out here, doing what the Prime Minister can’t be fucked to do.
Yep – earlier this week, The Prince of Wales headed to Pontypridd, where he met those sadly affected by the devastating floods, brought on by Storm Dennis last weekend.
Prince Charles took the time to speak to those who had lost their homes and possessions in the brutal weather, and seeing how he could be of help to those affected.
All jokes aside, as the Prince of Wales, it was nice of him to visit. Let’s face it, it’s not as if Boris Johnson gives a shit.
So thank you Charles for doing your bit; and I hope those affected by the floods are back on their feet soon. ❤️
Well I can only imagine just what this week will bring – quite frankly, I’m terrified but I reckon it’ll be entertainment at it’s finest.
Apologies for the delay in posting on Sunday; those of you who follow me on Twitter will know that it was my dad’s 60th birthday on Saturday and overall, a very busy weekend. I could just about string a sentence together from being so tired – much less finish up a blog entry!
Well as usual, a fair bit has occurred in royal world this last week, so let’s take a look at some of the highlights…
So on Saturday, a podcast with the Duchess of Cambridge and Giovanna Fletcher aired, believed to have been recorded some time in late January when Kate was on her mini tour of Britain to promote her ‘5 Big Questions’ initiative.
This was super interesting, as I feel it was the first time that Catherine has been so candid about her experiences so far with motherhood and it was lovely to hear her speak as so many mums do– especially about feeling guilty for leaving her children behind when going out on engagements.
Catherine talked about the fact that while she is a hands-on mum, she still often worries about whether or not she is parenting her children in the right way and experiences the same worries all mums do – royal or not.
She also went on to laugh about how George and Charlotte ‘couldn’t understand’ why Catherine doesn’t do the school run sometimes when she has to be out of the house early for engagements, and how they often express their annoyance over this.
And also somewhat surprisingly, Catherine also discussed childbirth and how she turned to hypnobirthing following her first experience with hyperemesis gravidarum (severe morning sickness) while expecting Prince George. The Duchess told Mrs Fletcher, “I’m not going to say that William was standing there, sort of chanting sweet nothings at me. He definitely wasn’t! I didn’t even ask him about it, it was just something I wanted to do for myself.”
I must admit, having never had a baby and not really being into all that kumbaya shit, I’m not really sure what hypnobirthing is; but the thought of William trying to aid an agitated and tired Catherine while she was in the midst of an agonising labour was rather funny to me:
All in all, a sweet and interesting conversation between Catherine and Giovanna – hoping Kate does more engagements like this going forward!
Harry to support US veterans
Like they haven’t been through enough already.
It emerged this last week that Prince Harry, who was recently stripped of his uniform and medals, is apparently now going to take it upon himself to ‘aid veterans of the USA and Canada’ – because apparently two such powerful countries need Harry’s input in order to thrive.
What Harry is going to teach them, I don’t know; he was no doubt well-protected while on the ‘frontline’ himself and likely didn’t risk having any arms or legs blown off during his two tours of Afghanistan, so perhaps he has other matters on the agenda to discuss with them…
A ‘source’ commented on the ‘initiative’, saying that “Now Harry has broken away from the Royal Family, he can finally focus on the causes that really matter to him.”
“The causes that really matter to him”? So what have the last 35 years meant to him then? In all that time, he was supporting charities affiliated with the army, creating initiatives such as the Invictus Games and championing charities such as Walking With The Wounded.
So it’s really nice to hear that these were all things that ‘didn’t really matter’ to him.
Harry – piss off, mate. You’ve been given free rein to back whatever causes you’ve wanted for the best part of three decades – please don’t act like you’ve been forced to support things you haven’t wanted to.
In kick-starting this ‘project’, Harry apparently plans to meet with officials from the PTSD Association of Canada, which supports thousands of troops dealing with the condition and aims to find various ways to support them.
All I can say is God help those poor veterans; having quite literally been through the wars and then having to listen to a toy soldier ginger prince pretend to identify with them. Let’s hope this isn’t a regular visit.
Harry and Meghan pictured for first time since Megxit
Interestingly, the same time as Catherine’s podcast is released.
Unfortunately, we were ‘treated’ to some photos of Dumb and Dumber landing in Victoria, Canada (from where, fuck knows) – but at least this time they had the common sense to use a commercial airliner.
Well, firstly – it’s clear their new-found freedom suits them.
Meg is free to look as messy as she likes now; hair all over the gaff, low cut top barely covering anything and that all-important binder under her arm to make it look as though she is actually doing something other than sitting on her arse and ordering the house staff around.
It does appear that times are tough though; in addition to flying commercial, it appears they were also having to carry their own bags (the horror). Though this did come in handy for Harry; at one point, while Meghan walked ahead of him (what’s new) down the steps of the aircraft, the Prince was in a great position to ‘accidentally’ decapitate his wife.
But alas, having lost his balls a while ago, he chickened out and settled for attempting a runner instead.
Harry and Meghan axe staff
In the interest of saving some money, it has been reported that Harry and Meghan have axed their staff at their Buckingham Palace office here in London – though the story has been spun that there is ‘no longer a need for them’ as the couple are spending so much time in Canada. Harry and Meghan told their staff formally in January:
To me, this is the biggest sign to date that they have more chance of setting foot on the moon than back in Britain ever again, so I really think we might be lucky enough to have seen the last of them. Sort of. For now.
Though I did have to laugh though; Meghan, who likes to champion educational and employment opportunities for women, has just intentionally put a load of them out of a job so early on in the year. So much for being ‘kind’ and ‘compassionate’.
Apparently some of those who have lost their jobs will be ‘absorbed back into the royal family’ for work, but most of them will be facing redundancy and are currently negotiating pay packages – even those who were appointed about five seconds ago.
I’d be SO fucked off if I was one of these people. A lot of them were poached from notable places (such as Burberry) as early as six months ago; can you imagine how pissed you’d be if you had walked out of a perfectly decent job and were already out on your arse just months later?
All jokes aside, I do feel for those who have lost their jobs – but what I can tell you is that given how smart and well-educated these people seem to be, they could honestly do much better than working for some loser and his demanding wife – I’m sure they won’t have any trouble finding something new.
Ok guys, that’s all for now – see you again on Sunday when I’m sure there’ll be more shit to make fun of. Until then…
Apologies for the lack of post last weekend; for those of you who follow me on Twitter, I mentioned that it was a really busy one at work – culminating in me eventually losing my shit and screaming at everybody:
In any case, breakdown aside and with plenty to have occurred in royal world, I wouldn’t want to keep you waiting any longer– so let’s dive right in to this week’s royal round up!
Kate’s Holocaust Survivor Photos
We’ll start with a nice one – Kate’s wonderful photographic work with Holocaust survivors, taken in early January.
The photographs depicted Holocaust survivors with their grandchildren, with the photos also containing items of theirs that were sentimental to them.
The photos speak for themselves and there isn’t really anything further I need to say here, other than how much fun The Duchess of Cambridge looked like she was having working with these wonderful souls.
Just lovely and genuine – great work, Catherine 💖
Meghan’s looking for a manager
.. and then this one comes along to ruin it all.
Yep, barely five seconds out of the UK and Meghan is already looking for a manager to manage her budding and promising future in Hollywood.
So keen to show the world how “talented” she is, Meghan is on the hunt for an agent to represent her for “future professional projects” – of which she deludedly believes there will be many.
But it seems that Meghan’s already had a bit of luck with the search, and has signed a contract with Disney to provide a voice over for something or other, whereby the cash earned from this will apparently be donated to charity Elephants Without Borders.
That’s if Meghan doesn’t get her greedy mitts on it first…
But I must say, as their public funding is being cut off, it’s a good idea Meghan tries to find as many ways of making money as possible. And if all else fails, Meg can always go back to yachting or whatever else it was she did before.
I think maybe it should be pointed out though that if Meghan couldn’t get any leading parts in Hollywood all these years, it’s unlikely that she’s going to be inundated with job offers now. Though maybe Hollywood execs have been impressed with her most recent performance…
Meghan has also been rumoured to have provided an updated audition tape – as it was far more impressive than the last.
Whatever. Good luck Meghan – I fear you’ll need it.
Meghan’s reality show
Thankfully this one turned out to be fake news.
So there was a rumour going around that Meghan was apparently going to be presenting a documentary, led by Jessica Mul-Cronie, whereby the main focus was second weddings. Getting married more than once – something Meghan is an expert at by now.
The idea was that Meghan would speak to couples where one half or more were planning their second wedding – as though that’s really an interesting discussion.
“So you’ve been married before and now you’re getting married again?”
No doubt Meghan could’ve offered up some really helpful advice on the subject, such as how to tell your fiancé’s grandmother that the church in the castle stinks and you want some air freshener installed:
Or how to combat things when you don’t get along with the popular future sister-in-law and need to lay down the law of the land:
And most importantly, how to get your husband to ditch his entire family and move to another country for you:
In fact, so confident in her third second marriage skills is Meghan that she has even broached a film idea based on her life to Hollywood officials, based loosely on “How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days”.
Alas, the wedding programme was not true (unfortunately – I was looking forward to having a good laugh), but I’m sure something similar will be coming at some point…
Maybe The Real Housewives of Windsor?
Keeping up with the Sussexes?
The Simple Sussex Life?
Either way – I’m sure we’re all very excited.
Harry and Meghan’s security
So word came out in the last week that Harry and Meghan have apparently felt the need to “beef up” their security detail in Canada – labouring under the misapprehension that anybody actually gives a shit about them.
Why the Canadian government have allowed them to do this, I don’t know; surely they can’t be ok with parting with yet more money to support these two lazy freeloaders, who honestly believe people want to touch them with a ten-foot pole?
On top of that as well – it appears that they are getting more value for their money by asking their security to run errands for them too, such as grocery shopping and buying coffee.
Among the security team’s new list of duties include picking up dry-cleaning and basically acting as a team of personal assistants to Harry and Meghan – because the PAs they did have quit a long time ago.
One thing that doesn’t make any sense to me is that if they’re sending these security officers out on errands, how are they meant to protect them?
“Sorry folks, someone broke into the Sussexes’ house because we were out fetching their Starbucks.”
I do think it’s time somebody told Harry and Meghan that not everybody around them is some sort of lackey – and that they need to stop blurring the lines where people’s jobs and duties are concerned.
You wouldn’t see the Prime Minister of the UK cleaning the Downing Street toilets, would you?
In any case, I think it’s time these two dialled it down; you’re two nobodies and a baby and I can guarantee that very few people want to get close to you.
Harry’s on WhatsApp
A lot – apparently.
Sources close to Harry say that he has been “more active than ever” on the group WhatsApp, leading everybody to believe that he’s bored shitless in Canada with nobody other than Meghan to chat to.
I’m mildly surprised by this revelation, as I didn’t think Harry had any mates left, seeing as Meghan seems to have ensured he cut all of them out of his life.
Poor Haz has probably resorted to calling his mates from the shitter whenever Meghan is out doing yoga or shouting at the house staff.
But the Duke has confidence that his friends won’t forget all about him just because he’s on another continent, with the following being said:
Apparently Harry still relies on his friends to “keep him entertained” while he’s in Canada, as the group often share ‘funny video clips’ to make one another laugh.
There were even some rumours that some of Harry’s friends no longer even had his phone number as they had “barely spoken to him” since he had gotten married. This was no doubt down to Meghan forcing him to change his number.
Harry – take my advice mate. Get a separate phone and hide it from your Manipulative Mrs.
So a new one has broken this weekend – apparently The Queen has requested that Harry and Meghan attend the Commonwealth Day ceremony at Westminster Abbey next month.
Why the Queen has requested this, I do not know; last year was enough of a shambles, with Meghan turning up looking like she was channeling Florence Nightingale in that bloody awful get-up.
I just do not see the point.
They’ve decided to leave. They’ve gone. Why must we be subjected to yet more pointless appearances from two people who couldn’t give less of a shit about representing the United Kingdom?
In any case, I can’t really see them crossing the Atlantic just to sit in Westminster Abbey for an hour. They won’t be making any money off it, so I just don’t see it happening. Meghan’s only interested in appearances that will make her a significant amount of money now, so to hell with the aging grandmother and her olive branch.
And if the worst does happen and they are there, we know Meghan will wear something hideously ugly that we can all laugh at, so everyone’s a winner.
Princess Beatrice’s wedding
This past week saw the announcement that Princess Beatrice and her fiancé, Edoardo Mozzi will marry at St. James’s Palace on 29th May, followed by a reception at Buckingham Palace.
Putting aside all the issues with her father at the minute, I am genuinely happy for Beatrice and Edo and wish them all the best in their married life.
I’ve seen one or two harsh comments from people who, given Prince Andrew’s antics, have questioned why the couple are allowed to have a big wedding in a palace, but I’m not sure I understand why this is being questioned at all.
They moved the goalposts for Harry and a divorcee actress from Cali, so is there a reason people are questioning why a blood-born princess and granddaughter to the monarch should be afforded this honour?
Whether Harry and Meghan will attend the wedding yet remains to be seen; I mean, Harry has always been super close with Beatrice and Eugenie, but seeing as he’s dropped everyone from his life recently, it wouldn’t surprise me if his cousins had ended up on the cutting room floor also.
In any case, as the Sussexes’ wedding anniversary and Archie’s birthday are both in May, I’m sure MM believes this is the “Month of Meghan” and resents anything else taking place during this time.
In any case, I do have a feeling the Gruesome Twosome will attend; why let Beatrice and Edo have their day when you can come along and spoil it?
Fuck, I hope not.
Anyway my loves – that’s all for this week; there were one or two items I’ve left out, but will go back over next week. I’ve written so much today that my fingers are about to fall off!
Until then – wishing you all a fabulous week and I’ll see you next Sunday! 💋
Well as usual, there’s been a fair bit to document and I spent most of the week trying to grab headlines for this blog post, feeling like my head was going to explode.
But not one to complain about having material to write, without further ado, I give to you – this week’s royal round-up!
5 Big Questions
So this week was an important one for The Duchess of Cambridge; she went on a mini-tour of Britain as she launched the “5 Big Questions” all adults should be asking when it comes to children’s mental health.
Catherine visited Birmingham and Cardiff as she launched the initiative – even getting to join a baby sensory class, where she was able to relate to other mums about the struggles of being a first-time mother.
It was a great opportunity for the Duchess to also meet some of the young children whose parents are supported by the centre – especially since we all know how much Kate loves babies and children.
And there were even some arts and crafts for artsy Kate to get involved with:
Moving on to Cardiff, and Catherine was beginning to feel the strain of her tour. It was all so tiring, having to move around and actually interact with people.
All jokes aside, Catherine should be really proud of herself for launching this initiative; it’s heartening to see royals who actually want to work and just get on with it, rather than making a fuss.
Well done, Kate!
Harry heads back to Canada and Meghan goes on a walk
Sometime last week, we finally got rid of Twat 2 when after failing to clear up the Megxit mess, Harry headed back to Vancouver to join Twat 1 and Archie.
Harry, who wasn’t too thrilled to be flying commercial with the peasants, was even more upset to see that he had also been put in economy… on a WestJet flight, no less.
The shock continued to wash over Harry as he then had to take in the fact that there was no longer a bag-carrier hired to cart all his shit to and from the airport. Yes. Prince Harry of Wales actually had to carry his own hand luggage out of the airport.
Onlookers onboard the flight said that Harry appeared to be “tired and agitated” during the journey, which stands to reason really and could be for a multitude of reasons; was it because it was a long journey? Because he had to fly in coach? Because he had to go back to Meghan?
Or was it simply because he was forced to fly with British Airways?
Some said that Harry “cheered up” once he approached his waiting car and opened the back door, many believing that it was because he saw Meghan in the backseat.
I think it was more likely he had spotted the car’s mini bar.
In the meantime of course, Harry’s wife Meghan was incredibly busy doing what she does best – posing for the cameras.
In a desperate bid to look like a domestic goddess, Meghan strapped Archie to her chest (incorrectly, and in a sling that was far too small for an 8-month-old baby), hauled her two rather depressed-looking dogs out of the house and took to the park… where somehow, the paparazzi seemed to know she was going to be there.
She was clearly opting for a normal, natural look, but this was marred slightly by the fact her child was hanging like a rag doll from the sling she was struggling to hold up on her shoulders.
It’s unclear whether or not Archie was asleep or had just been wedgied into unconsciousness, but either way, I was deeply concerned how a woman who has been a mother eight months still can’t carry her child properly.
In any case, after this little stroll, it emerged that Meghan and Harry viewed these photos as an “invasion of privacy” (despite it being an open public area) and were taking legal action against photographers.
Honestly, is Harry actually that fucking dense?
Does he actually think that the paparazzi managed to find Meghan in some random park in Vancouver without a tip off? When nobody else was around? How does he think they found her?
Apparently the Sussexes were “deeply upset” that anybody’s dared to photograph one of them in a public setting “without their permission”.
Maybe she was more fed up because she saw the online criticism of her inability to hold her child properly and was angry about reading the truth. Or maybe because she had carted out the wrong Reborn Doll in her haste to leave the house and be spotted by photographers?
Not long after Harry returned to Canada, an earthquake struck the Vancouver island they are currently staying on, measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale.
Some were baffled by this occurrence, but neighbours in the vicinity believed it to be Meghan and Harry having a fight, rather than an actual earthquake.
Once Meghan had finished kicking Harry’s arse for going out for a pint, resulting in a few aftershocks following the main tremor, all went back to normal and the residents of North Saanich were able to rest easy.
The next day, photos showed that their $14 million property was still standing, but eerily silent – indicating that either the whole family were still asleep or Meghan had in fact murdered Harry.
But once it had been revealed that Harry was still alive and (somewhat) well, all went back to normal and the island could breathe easy again. Until the next fight, that is.
Harry and Meghan’s souvenirs are removed
So this week, it has also come out that Harry and Meghan’s wedding souvenirs were taken out of stock on the royal website.
Yes indeed – if you now search for “Duke and Duchess of Sussex” in the online shop, nothing comes up – indicating that you can no longer purchase a mug with their mugs on it.
It’s unclear what the royal collection have actually done with the mugs, plates and towels– but given the fact the royal family are likely no longer benefitting financially from these, I’d wager they’ve gone in the royal bin.
Of course, a large handful of these were scooped up by Meghan on the way out of the UK so that she could spend her days in Canada admiring her own face.
Or at least that was the original idea – some of the plates may or may not have come in to contact with Harry’s head upon his return from the UK.
The remainder of these were used as general cutlery in the Sussex’s new home, given that they were on a tight budget and could no longer afford to buy kitchenware.
How domestic life plays out for Harry and Meghan remains to be seen, but I for one am very much looking forward to seeing how they lead lives as private citizens.
Good luck Sussexes – you’re gonna need it.
Ok ladies and gents, that’s all for this week – I’m sure the next one will bring up yet more fuckery which I will very much look forward to reporting on.
Until such time, have a great week and I’ll see you all next Sunday! 💋
Well bloody hell – not sure where to begin for this week. It’s been absolutely insane news-wise! My head was actually spinning trying to sort out headers for this.
But after several large coffees, I’ve managed to muddle my way through. So let’s get stuck right in!
Ahh, it’s like the royal version of D-Day.
Yes, following Harry and Meghan’s “shock” announcement the week before last that they were planning on stepping down from their royal duties, Hapless Hazza was promptly summoned to the Sandringham Estate by his grandmother for a “royal showdown”.
The meeting was set for 2pm on 13th January, where Charles, William, Harry and The Queen were placed in a room together probably for the first time in months. One can only imagine the frosty atmosphere in there…
In the meeting, the future of the Sussexes was thrashed out between the current monarch, the two future monarchs, some ginger bloke and his weird American wife, who tried getting involved via Skype a few times, only to realise she had been blocked from the call line.
Don’t worry Meghan, if you’re reading this – we all know I’m joking. Especially as Megs was very clear to let the public know that she “wasn’t barred” from the summit, and that she simply “didn’t feel the need to join the call.”
After a couple of hours of deliberation, the royals weren’t any closer to finding a solution – largely because Prince Harry insisted on getting drunk during the meeting and making stupid comments, much to the annoyance of his grandmother:
The meeting was adjourned around 4pm; The Queen needed a stiff gin and tonic and Harry was now practically comatose at the table. Her Majesty released a statement letting the public know that she expected her family to reach a final decision “in the coming days”.
For the next week, there were more meetings and deliberations about just what the Sussexes could walk away with.
Meghan was regularly on the phone to Harry, pulling the puppet strings and making it very clear that he was to bargain with The Queen for the very best deal possible.
This was it. Harry went into the final Royal Summit meeting amped up and ready to take on his family members. He’d leave with everything, Meghan would be happy and he’d be able to sew his balls back on at long last.
Her Majesty quietly informed Harry that in the interest of being financially independent, him and Meghan were to longer live off the British taxpayer – and would repay back all the costs for the renovation of Frogmore Cottage.
And then, the real sting – The Queen told Harry that he and Meghan, while remaining Duke and Duchess of Sussex, were no longer allowed to use their “HRH” style.
But after getting over the initial shock, and realising that he didn’t really want to be a Prince anyway, Harry departed from Sandringham – saying goodbye to his grandmother in an emotional moment, for possibly the last time ever:
Now just to tell the wife via FaceTime. Better to be blunt and just come out with it, right?
After half an hour of Meghan telling Harry to “get back in there and negotiate it all again”, Harry had heard just about enough of his wife’s shrill voice; he told her the deal was done and she needed to let it go. It was over.
Disney Voice Over
It appears that the Sussex Two began planning for their exit as far back as the Lion King premiere last year, where new footage came out this last week of Harry pimping his wife out to various people involved with the film.
Meghan pretended to be all coy, like she didn’t know her husband was going to tout her for work, and tried to put on her best “Saint Diana” expression.
I think it must’ve been the most awkward for people around them who had to listen to this shite. Having members of the royal family ask you for a bloody job?
Can you imagine if William and Catherine did this? There’d be public uproar. I can just picture Prince William walking into the local Wetherspoons like:
In any case, it doesn’t appear so far that Disney want to hire Meghan’s “talents” for one of their feature films (they must’ve seen her in Suits), but if a part does call for an animated stripper or gold digger in the future, I’m sure she’ll be the first one they call.
Meghan women’s group
Keen to make it look like her and Harry were actually doing some work, Meghan made a cursory visit to a women’s center in Canada, where she did.. well… not a lot.
I’m not actually too sure what this visit was meant to achieve, other than keeping up the pretence that her and Harry were still undertaking charity work.
Kate Gibson, the executive director, made mention of the fact that Meghan did not actually bother to go inside the centre to meet the clients – apparently due to “security issues”.
Gibson went on to say that as it was a women’s centre and no men were allowed to enter the main area, it would mean that Meghan’s security officers couldn’t go inside – thus meaning Meghan couldn’t either. Because apparently she’s really at risk of being attacked by impoverished women.
So much for standing with women in “solidarity” and being their “sister”; doesn’t quite hold the same meaning when you can’t be fucked to actually visit and speak to them.
This just confirms for me that Meghan and Harry have no interest in continuing their charity work going forward. This was a piss-poor “effort” from Meghan– who essentially popped in for a cuppa and a photo, before sodding off back to her mansion.
And then came the best part; Meghan’s team actually vetted the photos before they were released. Checking for what, I don’t know – but apparently madam wanted to pick and choose what went out to the public.
All in all, and I’m sure Canada’s women’s Center would agree – a total fucking waste of time. Thanks for nothing, Meg!
Meghan at the airport
Clearly, Meghan has far more important things to do with her time, like pick up friends from the airport. Charity work?
Admittedly I have no idea who this friend is – nor do I give a shit. To my knowledge, she’s some sort of Pilates instructor who is just as bad as pretending she hasn’t spotted the cameras as her little friend Meghan.
Meghan, who was described by the tabloids as “independent” because she managed to actually drive her own car to the airport, rocked up with a protection officer in the passenger seat to pick up her mate.
But it appears her friend was able to spot Meghan a mile off and made her way over to the car, throwing her bags in the backseat and pausing to hug.
And then they were off – with Meghan being sure to check her wing mirror before pulling out into the traffic and away from the airport.
Harry heads to the pub
Yep, with Meghan safely back in Canada, and Harry edging closer to no longer having to behave like a royal prince, he did what any man left to his own devices would do – he hit the pub.
Reports stated that Harry was seen “laughing and joking” in a Fulham bar with his pals, probably as he toasted his new-found freedom; both from being emancipated from the royal family and also because he had a short break from Meghan.
The prince, who was allegedly forced to give up drinking by his wife some time ago, still continues to sneak a couple when she’s not around – which is always a lesser risk when she’s on a different continent.
Onlookers said that Harry seemed “happy and relaxed” as he enjoyed some beers and meal with his friends and “didn’t appear to have a care in the world.”
Meanwhile in Canada, the news that Harry had dared to join his friends in the pub for a pint had crept across the Atlantic – much to the fury of his uptight wife.
It took a few Vicodin, some meditation and a lengthy call to Harry to calm Megs down – where she was reassured by her husband’s words:
Coming off the phone, Meghan tried to steady her nerves by remembering her wedding vows to her husband and the promises she had made that day…
Well that’s all for now, my darlings; this circus really is the gift that keeps on giving and I’m sure there’ll be plenty to report on next weekend.
Until then, have a fabulous week, keep the popcorn at the ready – and I’ll see you next Sunday! 💋