Royal round-up: 23rd March 2021

Well hello hello– long time no speak!

Apologies for my silence; for those who follow me on Twitter, you may have seen that my mum has been in hospital the last 2 months, so I’ve taken some time out to deal with those various family issues stemming from that.

And true to form, an awful lot has gone down in the last 8 or so weeks since I last posted, with the last couple of weeks in particular being especially mental, so I couldn’t resist putting aside some time to make a return.

So without further ado…

Meghan’s pregnant

Ah yes, the (formerly) biggest news of the hour which I’m sure we all saw coming– Meghan is ‘up the spout again’.

If you’re not overjoyed at the news that the Sussexes have another sprog on the way, it might be best to comfort yourself with the fact that you will not, at the very least, have to endure the constant bump grabbing on official royal engagements anymore. Meghan, who is very protective over her privacy, will be free to superglue her hands to her stomach behind the large oak doors of her Montecito mansion, if she so wishes.

Though she probably won’t as nobody with any cameras will be around

But oddly, despite telling us all that they wanted to hide away from everyone (namely us in Britain) and step out of the media glare, they decided to put out a statement via one of their ‘spokespeople’– and even held a photoshoot to announce the pregnancy to the entire planet.

Though for some reason, Harry’s big filthy feet stole the show

Maybe I’ve been wrong on what the definition of ‘privacy’ is my whole life, but a statement and photoshoot do not, to me at least, indicate that either of these two have any intention of being left alone.

I mean really, we could all have gone the rest of our lives without even knowing they had a second kid until it fucked over a royal family in another country or ran for President or something; let’s face it, it’s not like any of us would give a toss, considering we don’t even know where the first one is anyway.

“Yeah— neither do we.”

Judging by the photo, Meghan is already around five or so months pregnant, putting the latest bundle of ginger’s arrival somewhere around May or June. And with Harry and Meghan revealing the kid’s gender (it’s a girl– woo) during the Oprah interview, it is also said that they ‘won’t go with a traditional royal name’ for the kid.

“So, I’m thinking Harry— and hear me out, yah— ‘Princess’ as her first name, so we can move around the whole ‘title’ issue. I mean, it worked for Katie Price!”

Well, we’re not expecting her to name it Elizabeth or Mary, are we? Doubt the Queen would be particularly amused at that, given she barely knows Meghan, let alone her offspring.

“Don’t you fucking dare.”

I was actually leaning toward it being another boy, but now that we know it will be a girl, are we thinking Diana as a first name (God help us) or somewhere in the middle of the name (a la Princess Charlotte)? Let’s face it, Meghan won’t miss the opportunity to insert her late mother in law’s name in there, just to feel closer to the woman she apparently ‘knew nothing about’.

“Really, I knew fuck all about her, yah.”

Anyway, that’s enough on that; it’s a baby, it’ll arrive at some point and there’s a 100% chance the nanny will be lumbered with all of the care, so we’ll park this one for now.

Harry and Meghan aren’t coming back

So not long after Meghan’s baby news, we were treated to some actual good news– that the Sussexes had told the Queen, yet again, exactly where she could stick her job and that they were not coming back as working royals–ever.

Because you did so much before, right?

It appears that the Sussexes have so fallen in love with life away from horrible, rainy, racist Britain that they can’t possibly ever see themselves returning– although they still want to apparently hold onto Frogmore Cottage, maybe so they can brag to their friends in Hollyweird that they have a home on the Queen’s Estate. Or perhaps so Harry has somewhere to fall back on in the likely event of a divorce.

”Gran? It’s me, yah. Listen— I’m gonna need that cottage back, Megs and I are getting a divorce… What do you mean “who the fuck is this?””

Yes, after telling Her Maj to shove it for the second time in a year, the Queen still had the good grace to let them leave with their royal titles. I mean, that is really good of her; if I were The Queen and Harry’s grandmother, he’d be lucky to even leave with the ‘H’ at the start of his name, let alone ‘Prince’ or ‘Duke’.

“Royal Duke, my arse.”

One thing she did do though, quite rightly, was strip both of them of their British patronages before they ‘exited stage left’. This appeared to piss off a lot of Sussex fans, for reasons which I can’t quite work out…

Firstly, they are her patronages that she handed to Harry and Meghan in the hopes that they would actually do some good with them; not call Britain a bunch of racists, tell a 94-year-old woman to go fuck herself and then hightail it to America.

Ahh— just the way all charities are led

Secondly, they are not here to do the job, so why would they have the title of patron? You need to actually put in the work in order to hold that title. In layman’s terms for the ‘Sussex Squad’, I’m not the CEO of Facebook, so I don’t go around calling myself that, do you know what I mean?

In any case, I doubt Meghan is losing any sleep over it; she never wanted to be a working royal anyway– she was just happy to come in, cherry-pick the bits she wanted and then bugger off to reap the benefits.

But Harry, however, is a different story; apparently he’s really cut up about being stripped of his military patronages as he apparently really thinks he still had the right to hold onto them.

“No gran seriously, it’s me again yah— I think you’re being a bit unfair here. I did dress up as a soldier for a few years, head out into Afghanistan with full royal protection and attend a Lion King premiere instead of a military engagement, but don’t you think you’re being a little bit hasty?”

I still can’t understand where their heads are at with all of this; they told the family (and Britain) where to go, they shirked all responsibility, have done nothing but embarrass the House of Windsor with their antics and they actually still thought they were owed something by The Queen?

“Yeah, that’s the last time you’ll cross me, carrot top.”

No thanks; we’re glad you’re enjoying your new life in the USA and best of luck with the baby, but we’re ever so happy you’ve decided not to come back. Don’t let the palace doors hit you in the arse on the way out.

Sayonara!

Harry and Meghan’s Oprah interview

So… wasn’t this a shit show of epic proportions.

So let’s run through it bit by bit: never wanting to shun an opportunity to be centre-stage, Meghan takes up 90% of the interview by sitting down with Oprah first to get all her bitching off her chest without her husband trying to interrupt or, you know, correct her lies. Well, you’ve gotta hand it to her, the bitch really can bitch– and she made sure it was TV gold.

Firstly, anyone with a pair of fucking eyes in their head can see how badly she was trying to be Diana 2.0, with all this “I had such a hard time, I was so depressed, blah blah blah.”

Yes, Meghan– I’m sure you’ll get the sympathy you crave from the public who are far poorer than you without staff to wipe their arses for them.

Meghan Markle to Prince Harry – quoted 2019

Oprah asked the famous line from the trailer “Were you silent, or were you silenced?”

*pauses dramatically/can’t move face because of Botox anyway*

Of course, Meghan claims that she was silenced: that the ‘powers that be’ locked her in the palace, took away her passport and car keys and denied her help when she was apparently suicidal. I mean, it turns out it was the HR department of Buckingham Palace who didn’t issue any direct help in terms of counselling as, you know… she’s not an employee of the palace office.

But of course Meghan made it seem more like they’d told her to fuck off and die, rather than just denying her a benefit she wasn’t privy to in the first place.

And thennnn…. came the clanger. Meghan dropped the ‘R’ card by claiming that the BRF had ‘held discussions about Archie’s skin tone while she was pregnant’ and ‘denied him a title because he was the first person of colour within the family’.

– Queen Charlotte of England

Obviously Oprah, Meghan’s second-in-command witch, only too eager to stir the discrimination cauldron, was all like:

“Yoooo no, those white royal motherfuckers DID NOT!”

And Meghan was all like:

“Oh, you better believe it babe.”

Firstly, what the fuck are two women who know zero about the monarchy doing discussing things neither of them know anything about? I mean, it’s bad enough one of them actually married in and still knows shit all, without publicly (and embarrassingly) admitting this to the planet.

Secondly Meghan– your son didn’t get a title because King George V issued letters patent in 1917– what are you gonna do, drag him on Ellen?

“Yah, so that old fucker changed it in 1917 because he saw me coming 100 years ago. I’m telling you, it’s just a vendetta against the biracial and now King George will hear my truth from the afterlife.”

She also made claims that she received ‘no training’ when it came to being a ‘princess’, and that the poor darling actually had to google the national anthem ‘in the middle of the night’ because just like the Queen, Diana and the entire family, she’d never heard of it before.

“Harry, seriously babe, what is your national anthem? I’ve been up for 40 hours straight googling it and I just can’t seem to find it. Do you even have one?”
“I don’t know Meghan, yah— it’s possibly Gangnam Style, but keep searching — at this rate, I’ll only get 10 hours sleep.”

The whining went on endlessly: no one taught her how to cross her legs, sit properly (because apparently she hasn’t encountered a chair in nearly 40 years), curtsey or you know, behave like an actual human.

By this portion of Meghan’s Moaning, Harry had actually joined the interview and tried to intercept Meghan’s claims about not being taught anything, but she quickly cut him off and shut him up, so I guess we will never know what he was doing to say.

“It’s okay babe, just speak your truth.”
“No, not that one— that’s not what we rehearsed.”

The interview was so explosive that the Queen and the rest of the family tried their hardest to shield a 99-year-old Prince Philip from the epic bullshit while he recovered from heart surgery in hospital. Now that he’s back at Windsor Castle and able to catch up on the news, one can only imagine his reaction…

“That little bitch said WHAT?! Fucking send ‘er round here, I’ll sort ‘er out!”

And what about the rest of the family, who were left reeling upon finding out they’re a bunch of prehistoric racists?

“We’re very much not a racist family, yah…. Apart from grandad, but we just tend to ignore him now.”
“And no, I haven’t spoken to my turd of a brother yet, but I will do in due course to fuck him up.”

The palace also went on to issue a statement in response to Meghan’s claims; while short but sweet, it certainly got the point across and didn’t leave them stooping to Meg’s level.

“While some recollections may vary” = “Meghan is talking out of her arse as usual.”

Either way, I think the fall out from this is going to flow for quite some time: the family are angry and Meghan and Harry are fighting to stay relevant, so we all know this is a recipe for disaster.

I will wait patiently for further fireworks.

Meghan wants a Daily Mail spread

…after saying she doesn’t want the British press to report on her.

Yes, Royal Reporters dropped the clanger on Twitter not too long ago claiming that Meghan’s lawyers had said that the Mail on Sunday were being told to do a ‘spread’ on Meghan (by Meg herself), clearly stating that she had ‘won’ her court case against them, like she’s giving some sort of victory speech at the end of a World War.

Apology for what – giving you the fame you’re so desperate for?

She has even told them exactly WHERE the news should be in the paper, because apparently anything page 5 or later simply won’t do for Her Royal Pain-In-The-Arse.

“—and can you also put it in pink writing and tell everyone that the line of succession has changed and Harry and I are indeed the next King and Queen of Britain? Thanks so much!”

And she originally said she wanted to be featured for 6 months, but after likely being told to fuck off by the DM’s editors, she settled for a week instead.. on the front page of a British tabloid webpage.. the very same people she told to do one for reporting on her just five seconds ago?

In any case, I’m not sure what happened but I’ve seen neither hide nor hair of this story on the Daily Mail, so I can only assume they weren’t willing to feature the woman who rejected their press coverage to begin with.

Instead, they’ve made good use of their time dragging her on the homepage over her stupid comments during the Oprah interview and have gone back to giving her dad and sister airtime to resume dragging her, which quite frankly, I think we all prefer.

Something tells me she’ll be waiting a while for that spread.

The Daily Mail editorial department discuss Meghan in their Monday morning meeting

Meghan’s Bullying Allegations

Oh boy.

So just before Meghan whinged on the world stage that she was bullied badly by the press, the Queen, the entire family and the corgis, it came to light in the press that several former staff of Harry and Meghan came forward with their own bullying allegations toward Mrs Sussex.

In these claims, many staff members stated that they were bullied out of their positions at the palace, regularly humiliated by Meghan and left ‘physically shaking and in tears by the end of each day’.

All jokes aside, if true (and I’m sure it is)– this is bad. We spend most of our lives at work and no one should be made to feel miserable there– least of all by some third rate actress with a superiority complex who thinks marrying a rich titled guy suddenly makes her the reigning monarch.

Apart from treat people like shit

Of course, once these claims came out, Meghan practically broke her neck trying to deny it. She insisted there was ‘no truth’ to the claims that staff had made against her and tried to defend her character– what there is of it anyway.

“Well fuck me— if throwing a few cups of tea at my team and screaming at them down the phone at 5am is considered ‘abusive’, well then slap my ass and call me Amber Heard.”

On top of this, and to further prove what a sweet angel she is, she contacted the palace and demanded they show her the findings from the HR investigation, because despite the fact she seemed to think it was all bullshit, she still wanted to stick her ski slope nose in to find out what was said.

“Just get back here and let me look at the fucking notes yah— how else am I going to throw you all under the bus over this?!”

From the claims, there was one story where she apparently ‘hissed’ at an aide on her and Harry’s tour of Australia and Fiji in 2018 when they went to visit a marketplace; the reasons of which are unknown, but a royal reporter apparently saw said aide crying in the car after the interaction. On a royal tour where you’re waited on hand and foot, I’m not really sure what Meghan could be so angry about.

Perhaps she saw a mirror and the person who copped it was the stylist

I mean really, is anyone actually surprised? Even if you weren’t already convinced she is a total bitch from just about everything else she’s done over the last five years, these sorts of stories were already surfacing two years ago– but it seems the palace quashed these at the time to protect a then pregnant Meghan.

“I know they told staff to shut up as they didn’t want to upset me while pregnant, provided taxpayer security, a home on the Queen’s estate and private jets— but I just never felt protected, yah.”

It seemed she was driving out staff already considering her and Harry lost about 500 members of staff within the first year of their marriage and apparently some deluded people still believe that the sun shines out of her arse.

And on top of that, I do HR for a living and can tell you that we do not divulge any details of an HR investigation to the accused– just in case said accused is waiting to ambush other staff members in the car park at the end of the day for ratting them out.

“The fuck you say about me in that meeting, you evil little shit!”

In any case, I’m sure more of this will come to light soon, although a lot of media outlets are saying it could be at least a year before any information is put out into the public domain. I for one can’t wait to see the “”bullied”” be outed as a bully herself, because we all know those receipts are coming.

So that’s it for now! I will try and be back regularly from here on out and I’m sure the next few weeks will be just as explosive, so until next time– stay safe, stay sane and I’ll see you again soon!