Royal round up: 6th November


Hello everyone and welcome to another royal round-up!

Sick of this week already and it’s only Monday evening, I’ve decided to reflect on all things royal instead.

It’s been a little busy this last week, so without further ado…

Harry and Meghan go trick or treating

Fucking hell, who’d Meghan go as– herself?

Yep, keen to show us that they do actually spend a few minutes a week with their kids, apparently Harry and Meghan took to the streets of Montecito to get their kids to beg strangers for sweets.

Already teaching them how to scout for freebies I see

According to Page Six, a neighbour managed to snap a photo of the family while they were knocking on people’s doors to ask for sweets.

Oh I was right, Meghan did go as herself. Probably one of the scariest looks this year.

Archie was apparently dressed as a skeleton, while Lili was dressed in… a big pink fluffy costume, so I’m still trying to work out what she was meant to be… Probably dressed a Princess, because that’s about as close as she is going to get being seen as one thanks to her parents’ shitty antics.

“But mummy why am I dressing up as a Princess? Aren’t I one anyway?”
“Look Lils, mummy and daddy have fucked a few things up for you and your brother, so this is just a taste of things in case you never get invited to a state banquet in England.”

According to sources, Harry and Meghan just love Halloween (even though they couldn’t be bothered to dress up alongside their kids) and have been known to celebrate the holiday in rather ‘grand’ fashion over the years.

Back in 2016, before news of them dating broke, the two celebrated Halloween with Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank, with Harry warning Meghan that he had been told the news was about to come out about the two of them.

“It’s just so weird Meghan, yah… How did the news get out?”

“Ugh, I dunno, babes… Maybe the press saw us together. Or maybe someone called them in the early hours of this morning and told them because they were sick of being kept a secret and wanted everyone to know they were dating a British Prince.. We’ll never know.”

Real talk though, what was the surprise here? As far as I can remember anyway, we didn’t know she even existed, let alone was dating Harry, before he put out a statement telling us all that we were bullying her for being mixed race or something. So surely he must’ve seen that coming as he… was the one that issued the statement?

In any case, Meghan decided to have one last blow out before she reinvented herself as Grace Kelly and said:

We went to this Halloween party where we could be completely dressed up and no one would know. And we were like, ‘Well, this might be our last shot to just go out and have fun in the world‘.

Ya what?

Yeah that might have been true for you honey– because you were a total nobody and we couldn’t tell the difference between you and the girl who worked the pole at the local strip club– but Harry was literally famous before he was even born. He has been having fun under the watchful gaze of the public eye for nearly four decades. Not quite the same thing.

In any case, I can’t wait to see what next year’s costumes are. They’ll probably go as something they’re really far removed from… like people with jobs… or members of The British Royal Family.

William and The Earthshot Prize

Well November has come around fast and this weekend, Prince William, The Prince of Wales, made the 13-hour flight to Singapore for the upcoming Earthshot Prize Award. Note to Harry and Meghan: he actually flew on a commercial airliner amongst other humans.

“Hey guys. Sorry about the state of the toilets on the aircraft, yah– we hit some serious turbulence and I had a bit of a nervy tummy. Maybe they can recycle it as part of an Earthshot initiative or something.”

Arriving to rapturous applause and cheers at Singapore’s Changi Airport, The Prince didn’t miss a beat as he went to greet the crowds who had waited so excitedly to catch a glimpse of the heir to the British throne.

“Super great to meet you… Don’t suppose you have any Pepto Bismol in that bag I can swig, do you love? Trying to avoid depositing any more biodegradable waste onto the airport floor.”

But it was one 8-month-old baby, little Albane Costa (who is bloody adorable, by the way) who took a particular shine to William, gazing up at him adoringly as he came to say hello to her and her family.

“Remember this moment, Your Royal Highness. I will be Louis’s wife one day.”

But at some point during the greeting, her teething urges got the better of her and she decided to have a little chew on one of William’s fingers.

Hope you washed your hands, Wills.

William then stood and posed with Sim Ann, Senior Minister of State for Foreign Affairs and Senior Minister of State for National Development, in front of the HSBC Rain Vortex, which is known as the largest indoor waterfall in the world.

“Fuck me Sim– the consistency of that waterfall is very similar to whatever came out of my arse on that flight over.”

But it was no rest for the wicked and William was soon on to a meeting today with the President of Singapore, Tharman Shanmugaratnam.

“You alright mate? Good to see you. Couldn’t let me know where the bogs are, could you? It’s been a tough day.”

William will be carrying out a number of engagements on environmental issues while in Singapore, alongside attending the Earthshot Prize ceremony.

Today, he also joined members of the British Dragons for dragon boating on the Kallang River, bringing out his sporty side.

“Right listen yah; I’m known for being quite competitive and I’ve also been told there’s a pub at the destination, so let’s not fuck about.”

Taking to the water with his team, William rowed as though his life depended on it, aided by his rowing mates.

“Put your arse into it, guys– there are pints at the other end!”

And once safely back on land, it was time for William to sit down and recap the day’s events with the rest of the team.

“Yah, this is all very bloody nice, but I was promised a beer, not an apple juice. I didn’t row like Steve Redgrave for this shit.”

In any case, I’m looking forward to seeing the Earthshot Prize itself and the outcome of it this year, as I’m sure William is too.

Kate joins a fathers walk

So last week, The Princess of Wales took part in a ‘Dad Walk’ in Arnos Grove, London where she joined a group of fathers on a stroll through the local area.

The group gathered in the Arnos Arms pub so that Kate could hear more about the programme from the dads themselves.

“Sorry we had to meet you in the pub, Princess Kate– our dads really love it here. I bet your kids don’t get taken to places like this.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? George, Charlotte and Louis know the inside of the local Queen’s Head better than they know our own house.”

Catherine was keen to acknowledge the hard work fathers everywhere put in and seemed excited that such an initiative existed.

“Honestly, if I knew something like this existed during the day where you all just hang out with the kids, I’d have dumped mine off with you years ago and saved some money on the nanny.”

Joining the ‘Dadavengers’, the programme looks at supporting the community for fathers and their children and to highlight the importance of the role that dads play in their children’s earliest years.

“Honestly, watching William as a dad has really made me so aware of how much of a role you all play. I mean, he’s fucking off to Singapore for a week on Sunday and then I think he’s got a stag do in Vegas straight after for about four days, but when he’s here, he’s really hands on.”

It’s always quite clear that Kate really enjoys being around children and it’s something that comes very naturally to her. She seems to enjoy these sorts of engagements the most.

“Yes, very sweet that you’re so excited to meet me. Now please do sit down before whatever’s in your hand gets all over my Ralph Lauren jumper.”

Taking to the great outdoors for the walk, Kate took a moment to bond with some of the kids before they set off.

“Yeah, fucking tell me about it hun, my back’s killing me too; four-inch stilettos, eight tequila shots and a slippery nightclub floor last night did not mesh well.”

The Princess even posted for photos with some of the children, telling one young girl “I love your stripy tights! I should’ve worn my stripy tights.”

“I mean, mine are more like fishnets for fun time with Wills, but whatever.”

All in all, a great day out taking a leisurely stroll around the local park and discussing the importance of getting dads and their children to socialise with others.

“Right, now let’s go find daddy’s wallet so we can get the shots in and get really fucked up– I’ve got about three hours until the school pick-up for my own three.”

William and Kate in Scotland

The next day and reunited for a joint engagement, William and Kate headed over to Moray, Scotland together.

“Ah Kate– does anything beat strolling in that fresh Scottish air? What a beautiful place.”

“…I think there might be a man eating remnants of a fish and chips meal out of that bin over there.”

The Prince and Princess of Wales were there to visit the charity Outfit Moray, which highlights the importance of outdoor adventure and works with disadvantaged young people.

“Kate and I are simply thrilled to be back in Scotland. Nowhere we’d rather be.”

“Yes well, I had changed the itinerary to ‘Saint Vincent and the Grenadines’ instead of ‘Scotland’, but sadly the palace aides noticed before we boarded the plane and now here we fucking are.”

As ever, it was a walkaround to meet the crowds first, who waited in the cold and rain to see The Duke and Duchess of Rothesay, as they are known in Scotland– which are arguably slightly lower designated titles than ‘Prince and Princess of Wales’.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Duke and Duchess.”
“Great– so not only are we now holding some tatty stuffed bears instead of cocktails by the pool, but we’ve also been fucking demoted. Why don’t I just hand my CV in at reception and we can get jobs too, while we’re at it?”

But keen as always to get involved, the pair donned some helmets and hopped on bikes to take part in a mountain bike session at Burghead Primary School.

“If this helmet flattens my hair, I won’t be impressed, Wills.”
“Never mind your helmet and hair– what about the bike saddle and my nuts?”

The two zipped around the course, clearly enjoying the outdoor adventure as they always do.

“Come on Wills, keep up! How you doing back there?”
“As predicted. Let’s just say it’s a bloody good thing we didn’t want any more kids. RIP Crown Jewels.”

After a jam-packed day, the two headed back for England, clearly thrilled with their day out in Scotland.

“And William gets to go to Singapore after this and I’m stuck in Windsor with the kids in the fucking rain. Not what I signed up for when I married him.”

Harry and Meghan in Vegas

So this past weekend, Harry and Meghan flew over for a ‘date night’ in Vegas to go and see Katy Perry in concert.

And what a surprise!

Well to save you some time… they did both.

Yep, they boarded a private aircraft for the short 40-minute flight between California and Nevada on Saturday night, travelling with the likes of Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden onboard– who were probably wishing they’d flown in the cargo hold of a commercial airliner at that stage.

I bet even that traffic cone got a kicking for obscuring that camera’s view of her

Meghan seemed to be singing and laughing away during the show, while Harry was reported to be ‘nodding his head’ to the music alongside her.

More like nodding off. Dude is barely awake.

I do really think that some women need to learn that it’s okay to not use your husband as an accessory when you go out and that you can leave him at home for one night, because he is clearly bored as fuck at a concert again.

I mean really, what interest does a nearly 40-year-old guy have in attending Beyonce and Katy Perry gigs? He’s not a 13-year-old girl.

“Take me to one of these fucking shit-shows again and I will personally ask my father to remove our titles.”

Harry was apparently seen ‘engaging with other fans’ in the audience and ‘looking around earnestly’… I think it was more likely he was looking for the nearest exit.

“I think I see an exit sign… but it’s too far away. I’ll never sprint there in time before Meghan notices. Maybe I can pretend I’m going to the bathroom and bolt from there?”

I’m also surprised that Meghan is attending this show after Katy apparently made disparaging remarks about Meghan’s wedding dress five years ago and how it didn’t fit her properly.

I mean, I’m hardly a fan of Meghan Markle, but I think Katy Perry is one of the last people who can judge on shit outfits

Apparently KP, when asked on what she thought of Meghan’s wedding dress, said “Well… I would’ve had more one more fitting”.

Though where is the lie

It’s quite surprising then that after that comment, Meghan’s father-in-law King Charles still had Katy perform at his coronation concert… Or was it? Perhaps he agreed with her remark and that’s why he had come over deliberately.

“Well I thought she looked like a sack of potatoes.”
“You’re hired, babes. When can you get onstage?”

In any case, I do think Megs needs to leave Harry at home in his man-cave to play Xbox, drink beer and pick his nose in peace for a few hours, rather than dragging him out every four seconds because she clearly doesn’t have any friends and her husband is all she has left to cling to. If I were him, I’d be running for the nearest exit too.

“Prince Harry! It’s an honour to meet you. I work at one of the drink stalls here and–“

“Yeah great– I’d be really honoured if you could bundle me in one of the recycling bins and wheel me the fuck out of here before my wife notices.”

Anyway, that’s all for this week!

I’m sure there will be plenty coming up again before next weekend with the Earthshot Prize and I hear Kate has some engagements in the works too.

Until next week, have a good one, take care of yourselves and I’ll see you then!

8 responses to “Royal round up: 6th November”

  1. Thank you so much for the smiles and laughter-much needed for many of us, I dare say. You are the best!

  2. Bonnie Mulligan avatar
    Bonnie Mulligan

    Good fun, as always! Harry did look bored at the concert, but Megs needs him there are part of ter fun, forever young couple image that she is so keen to sell.

  3. It is great to read your posts. Thank you for sharing your wit and insights.

  4. It’s been a hot minute beautiful girl. Thanks for the giggles, badly needed atm 👏 💐

  5. Thank you for being on point as ever! I really laughed at your two Halloween costume suggestions foe H&M next year. Brilliant!

  6. Great fun as usual, belated happy birthday and welcome back

  7. What a surprise! Thanks for the lovely start of the week with your great sense of humour!

  8. Deborah Ashworth avatar
    Deborah Ashworth

    “Put your arse into it” is my go to saying for the rest of the day.
    Thank you so much for the clever captions. You’re right on target about the Markles, our hypocritical eco warriors.
    Can you tell me who the man is sipping from a straw, looking from right to left? My grandson caught a glimpse(and tries to replicate) and loves his look.

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