Royal Round-Up: 6th August

Well hello everyone and welcome back to another Royal Round-Up (which I’ve finally finished writing at 1am)! Sorry about the delay: as some of you may have seen on Instagram, I got hit by COVID late last weekend, so have been a little out of action.

And my arse is still testing positive as well

There has been quite a lot going on in royal world and apologies if one or two items are a couple of weeks old now, but I wanted to pick up on these, so without further ado…

William’s Earthshot prize in NYC

So it has been announced that William, The Prince of Wales, will journey to New York in September for the Earthshot Prize Innovation Summit; this is where the 2023 finalists of the environmental awards will be announced.

“I am very much looking forward to joining you all in NYC to discuss climate change, yah. They’re just finding me a private jet that is to my liking and then I’ll be straight over.”

It comes after William was unable to attend last September’s summit, with the royal family in a period of mourning, following the death of Queen Elizabeth II.

“Actually, I was on my way, but I lost track of time at the pub at Heathrow and totally missed the plane. This is exactly why I won’t be flying commercial in September– at least on a private plane, they just wait for me until I’m done with my pint.”

Joining the summit via video link last year in the days following his grandmother’s death, William told attendees:

Protecting the environment was a cause close to my grandmother’s heart, and I know she would have been delighted to hear about this event and the support you’re all giving our Earthshot finalists, the next generation of environmental pioneers.

The Prince of Wales

It was a touching tribute from William to his grandmother, as he made it clear just how much his granny cared about this initiative.

“Did I fuck– I’d never even heard of it.”

But it is said that during his time in New York City, William will also undertake a variety of engagements that are related to Earthshot, hoping to bring awareness to the awards scheme.

“One does intend to frequent the many bars and restaurants in New York while one is there… you know, for the sake of the planet.”

But what of the Princess of Wales? Kate’s last visit to The Big Apple was back in late 2014 when the pair visited on a whirlwind royal visit. It is not believed she is joining him on this particular trip, but you never know…

“You see the thing is, yah– last time we were here, Kate was pregnant with Charlotte and we couldn’t do all the pub crawls we wanted to. I mean back then, Kate managed an average of five cocktails a day, but she just couldn’t keep up with me, so this time we can really cut loose.”

But if Catherine doesn’t join him on the NYC trip in September, she will apparently be travelling to Singapore with William in November for the Earthshot Prize Ceremony itself.

Yeah, too fucking right you’re taking me to Singapore, babes; you’re not leaving me at home with to deal with those demanding bloodsuckers invading my privacy again.”
“Who– the paparazzi?”

“No, the kids.”

Speaking ahead of the summit, William was seen to be discussing just how pivotal the next decade is for humans to act and save our planet before time runs out– reminding us that the power is in our hands to make a change.

The time to act is now so that our children and grandchildren have a future. Be conscious of your carbon footprint and ask yourself what you can do to help repair the planet before it is too late.”
“Prince William, Sir– can we please ask how you plan to reduce your own carbon footprint? Are you not planning on leading by example? What about your own family’s carbon footprint?”
“Gosh, you know suddenly I don’t feel too well guys; must’ve been that beef brisket Kate made last night. I need to visit the gents so I think that sadly concludes question time for today. Sorry about that.”

You do have to wonder what Harry and Meghan will attempt to pull in order to overshadow this event (provided they’re still married by then). I mean, it is on US soil which Meghan very much sees as her turf. Harry may not show his face, but I’m sure Meghan would charter her own private jet to pop over for a visit.

“William, just what the fuck do you think you’re doing talking about climate change in the USA? Everyone knows that’s my main dish with a side of hypocrisy.”
Oh fuck off Meghan, yah– you probably still think a Greenhouse Gas is a salad at Nobu.”

I’m sure she’ll release a photo of Lilibet’s foot to try and steal the limelight closer to the time, but you never know– she might stay quiet.

And speaking of Harry and Meghan…

Meghan and Harry want to move to Malibu

Yep… It has been reported in the last week or so that broke Harry and Meghan are eyeing up a move to Malibu!

After telling us all that they apparently do not have any money, they have been seen viewing properties in one of the wealthiest parts of California.

Well they can’t be struggling that much, can they

Keen to be closer to central Los Angeles, the non-royal duo have been scouting out some homes in the area as Meghan feels that Montecito is ‘too remote’ and ‘far removed’ from things.

I can’t do it anymore, Harry.. Montecito just isn’t where I want to raise my kids.”
“I know Meghan, yah– the schools here for Archie and Lili are shockingly shit.”
“I couldn’t give a fuck about the schools, Harry– where are all the paparazzi I was promised?!”

I really feel that it was more the case here that Harry and Meghan, realising their reputation had well and truly tanked, felt it was time to thrust themselves back in the spotlight– and Montecito just wasn’t quite cutting it. But might it come at a non-financial price for the family as well?

“So Archie, this is a map of our new neighbourhood in Malibu. It has sushi restaurants, amazing wellness spas and–“

“Mum, what about my mates? I can’t leave them behind. What about Tommy at school?”

“Mummy has left more than her fair share of ‘mates’ behind, Archie; trust me, once they can’t introduce you to anyone powerful, you don’t need them anyway. Is Tommy going to get you into the White House? No? Then forget that loser.”

This comes as it was recently reported the pair were giving a ‘trial separation’ a go– and in light of that, their PR team is clearly doing overtime as they try and convince us otherwise in order to preserve the ‘happy couple’ image– which I never bought to begin with anyway.

This is clearly damage control and there is no actual proof Harry is going anywhere near Malibu. I still feel this is Meghan’s last-gasp attempt to drill what she can out of him before anything is announced.

“Please Harry– just the Malibu mansion and maybe a few more pieces from your mum’s jewellery collection and then we’ll break the news.”

“Get off me Meghan yah, you mad trout. It’s over!”

I do wonder what will be announced next week to pretend all is well at Chez Sussex; perhaps they’ll renew their vows on a Californian beach or have another kid?

“So how about it, Haz? Shall we add another Prince or Princess to the brood?”
“Not tonight babes, I’ve got a headache… from now and until you go into the menopause.”

They have really burnt some serious bridges with both the media and their little showbiz pals– which apparently includes David and Victoria Beckham.

Yep, it has been reported over the last week that Harry and Meghan have royally pissed off the Beckhams with their claims that they had a ‘leak’ in the camp and apparently hinted it was them.

Despite initially bonding with David and Victoria and calling them ‘some of their closest friends’, it appears football star David and his wife have been ‘Markled’.

Yeah, well you might want to get to the back of the queue guys– it’s a bloody long one

Firstly, no matter what my opinion is of them, the Beckhams are pretty global in their superstardom and I highly doubt they have any need to discuss Harry and Meghan outside of their own circle.

“Can you fucking believe this David, babes? I got a text from Harry and they actually think it was us who talked about them?”
“I don’t believe this, babes. And to think, I supported that man throughout his footballing career, cheered him on through all the tournaments..”
“Not Harry Kane, you dickhead– Prince Harry!”
“Oh who gives a shit about him, anyway? I’ve been sniffing around that family for years and still no knighthood, so tell him to piss off.”

It is said that David Beckham especially is ‘absolutely furious’ with the claims they discussed the Sussexes– although what they are meant to have said, I do not know; Harry and Meghan ensure we hear about it every time they go to the toilet, so what they’ve kept personal, I’ve no idea.

“And can you believe, they just leaked Meghan’s avocado on toast recipe, yah. That was private. How dare they?”
“Well seeing as they’ve told everyone now; it’s half an avocado to each slice of whole-wheat toast and then a drizzle of olive oil and with some salt and black pepper. It was my grandmother’s recipe. I’m so hurt.”

Real talk, has Meghan ever considered the fact that negative stories are being printed about her not because David and Victoria Beckham are behind them, but because… she’s an arsehole and everyone can see it?

I mean, I don’t rate Vicky B, but I’m sure she has better things to do than sit around reporting on Meghan bloody Markle all day.

“Just a sec guys– my £80million clothing empire can wait– I’ve gotta tell the Daily Mail what brand of tampon Meghan uses.”

In any cases, I do feel that if Harry and Meghan show their faces anywhere near David and Victoria again, there’s gonna be some sort of showdown. I doubt the Beckhams have taken too kindly to these ridiculous claims.

“Dave, Vic– how’s it going guys? Fancy popping for lunch today so we can have a chat?”
“Vic, hold my golden boot before I shove it up his arse.”

Well, it’s not really surprising that they’ve alienated yet more people from their circle and still want to claim everyone else is the problem other than them.

Can’t wait to see what happens here…

The Sandringham Flower Show

And now with a bit of a break to see what the King and Queen have been up to..

This past week, it was the Sandringham Flower Show out in Norfolk, where King Charles and Queen Camilla were in attendance.

“Yes well, I don’t really give a shite about flowers to be honest, but Camilla wanted some crap for the dining table and we were in the area, so here we are.”

It was the 140th Sandringham Flower show and also the last engagement before the summer break for the King and Queen, who have now headed over to Scotland to spend some down time there, as the monarch usually does over the summer months.

“Are you looking forward to your break, Your Majesties?”

“Yes, we’re really excited to take time out from scratching our arses at Buckingham Palace to go and scratch our arses at Balmoral Castle instead.”

Arriving in a horse-drawn carriage, the pair disembarked and headed out immediately to greet their royal subjects who had waited some time for the monarch and consort’s arrival.

“Your Majesty! I even brought my dog, also named Charles, to come and see you!”
“Yes that’s nice– do you happen to know where the bar is, dear girl? One is royally parched.”

But it was one lucky baker, Jackie Marshall, who found herself at the centre of attention with her ‘King Charles pie’ that she had made– trying her hardest to get a true likeness of the monarch.

Fucking hell, if this is what happens when you’re royal, I’m glad I’m a commoner

Camilla appeared to see the funny side– telling Jackie “that does look like my husband!” with a giggle. Let’s only hope His Majesty The King thought it was amusing too?

“What the fuck is this? Is that meant to be me?”
“Oh, haha, that’s hilarious! Great job!”
“Chuck her in the Tower of London and have her head cut off.”

Although just a one-day event, the flower show attracts over 20,000 people for it and centers competitions around not just flowers, but also fruit and vegetables.

“You don’t mind if I take this pie for our supper, do you? Cost of living crisis and all that…”

All in all, it seemed like the King and Queen enjoyed their day out at the flower show and will surely be back next year to see what else is on offer.

“Couldn’t spare a bag of vegetables, could you? As Cam said, times are tough over at the palace.”

Will William have to pay for Archie and Lili?

So the question was raised this week that if Harry and Meghan do indeed decide to return to the UK with their children, who is it that will foot the bill?

Well they can kiss my arse, for one

It does appear that Harry ‘tested the waters’ with Prince William for a possible return to the UK, to see just how exactly it would all work financially for the couple who stuck two fingers up at the nation to come back and…. ask for us to pay for their keep… again.

I mean, I know we told you all to go fuck yourselves yah, but come on.. would you really leave a family of four with royal titles and worth a hundred million to starve out in the cold?”

If he did indeed reach out to William, I can only imagine how that must have gone. After all that has happened, I cannot imagine Wills was overly impressed to have his brother panhandling on the phone.

“Listen Wills, it’s Harry yah; couldn’t spare a couple of mill from the Duchy fund, could you? Megs and I wanna head back to England and what with Spotify falling through, we’re not flush at the moment.”
“No can do mate, sorry. Kate’s just commissioned a new tennis court for Adelaide Cottage and we’ve got a summer holiday to Costa Rica coming up. Also– I don’t want to. Maybe try Dad?”
“Dad? It’s Harry. Listen, we’re in a bit of a bind and we need some money to tide us over. You couldn’t– sorry, what? Dad, I can’t hear you properly, it sounds like there’s a lot of swearing in the background?”
“That’s because I told you to fuck off. Now fuck off.”

In all honesty, I’ve no idea why they would want to return to the UK anyway. What exactly would be here for them? They made it clear they didn’t want to be working royals, so what are they planning on doing here? I think Malibu is more likely than this crap, to be honest. Can you really see Her Ladyship moving back to England?

Harry, I am not being dramatic when I tell you I would rather wax Putin’s ballsack for the rest of my days.”

Nah, England doesn’t hold the calibre of people that Meghan wants to be rubbing shoulders with– especially if she still wants to get into politics (which I wouldn’t recommend).

In the event of a divorce, I can’t see Meghan handing the kids over to Harry to live back in the UK anyway.

“I will never give those children up, Harry. I won’t let them go.”
“That’s truly admirable Meghan, yah. I never had you down as being so hands-on; you’ve only ever changed maybe one of Archie’s nappies when he was a baby. It’s so amazing you’re fighting for them.”
“Well no shit– how else am I supposed to claim the child support if they don’t live with me? You can have them back when they’re 18 and have drug problems of their own.”

And if William did pay, this would surely eat into the Duchy grant, which would have a impact on his own family. I can’t see Mrs. Wales being too happy about that one in the long run.

“Tell them to get fucked, William– we don’t need Harry’s brats sucking the Duchy fund dry– that’s our kids’ job. Whatever next? Will we have to start flying economy and letting our kids go to a normal school? I dread to think.”
“What? Fuck that. George and Charlotte can fly Easyjet, wear Adidas tracksuits and attend the local primary school where someone gets stabbed in the playground every week if they want– I’m not living like a yob because of those two non-entities in California.”

In any case, I can’t see it happening; even if Harry and Meghan do divorce, she’ll hold those kids as ransom and Harry will be back here on his own and probably having to fund his own security, so all’s well that ends well.

“Listen yah, I’m not paying for you to sit on your backside at Nottingham Cottage again and we’ve got to cut costs– so we’re sending you to live with Andrew and Fergie and Meghan and the kids will be in the garden shed at Frogmore. Final offer or you’ll all find yourselves in a 1-bedroom council flat in Wandsworth.”

Harry & Meghan’s Archewell Calls and Meghan’s 42nd Birthday

Speaking of bedrooms, it is quite clear Harry and Meghan are now in separate ones, given their strained appearance during a video taping of a series of phone calls they made last week.

The pair, sat in what is presumably their garden in Montecito but looks more like a public park, phoned a group of young leaders to congratulate them on the progress they had made on improving the digital world.

It would’ve been better if Meghan didn’t look like she was battling an acute case of appendicitis as she sat next to her husband

In a weird comment, Harry told one young leader that he and Meghan’s kids were ‘incredibly grateful for all the team had achieved’– even though they are 4 and 2 and can probably just about shit in a potty without missing, let alone recognise what these people are supposed to have done.

Meghan, clearly realising what her husband had said was rather stupid, quickly jumped in and told the young leader that “they don’t know it yet, but they will be!”– a correction which was probably code for:

“See, this is why the agreement usually is that you shut the fuck up and I do the talking.”

I cannot be the only one to see it; their demeanor towards each other was a lot different than what it has been previously. They were far less tactile, never bothered to look at one another and Meghan’s pained expression was getting more worrisome by the minute.

“Meghan, are you ok, yah? You’re gritting your teeth a bit.”

“Oh yeah, fine. Just feel a case of piles coming on so let’s keep this brief. I think sitting within a 20-foot radius of you seems to bring it on, for some reason? So let’s try to avoid this in future.”

As well as some form of damage control, this was yet another opportunity for The Sussexes to include as many clips as possible of these young pioneers losing their shit over having talked on the phone to The Harry and Meghan.

There were several clips of these girls squealing as they put the phone down like they’d just had a beyond-the-grave chat on Facetime with Marilyn Monroe. I mean really, how narcissistic do you have to be?

“Just make sure you get as many shots of them crying, squealing and generally losing their shit over me as possible. If they don’t react that way, just cut them all out of the segment. Harry included.”

But whatever they were trying to achieve, it fell a little flat. Most people saw through their bullshit ‘united front’ charade in an instant and realised just how awkward the two of them were. It was rather clear they would have preferred to be pretty much anywhere else.

“Megs, why do you keep passing the phone to me to hold? I held it for the last two calls– have you got carpal tunnel or something?”

“I forgot to throw my wedding ring back on before the cameras started rolling so I need to keep my hand hidden– just take the fucking phone, Harry.”

But they weren’t done there!

Yes, Friday was Meghan’s 42nd birthday (still hate that we are both August babies) and the celebrations for this would not be complete without a pap walk as they left a restaurant– with it being described as a ‘toned down’ event.

“Yah, it’s only ‘toned down’ because we don’t have any fucking money left. It’ll have to be a Wendy’s next year.”

The sort of couple were seen leaving Italian eatery Tre Lune, which is unsurprisingly a favourite celeb hotspot– which I’m sure Madam Googled beforehand.

“Montecito.. Restaurants.. celebrities.. go.. to.. with.. high.. chance.. of.. being.. photographed.”

Not doing much to quash split rumours, especially after the Archewell debacle, Harry was left trailing behind his wife following the dinner, looking like he had just spent the entire evening sat on broken glass– while Meghan stormed ahead, doing her best impression of a skunk.

I take it their financial issues meant Meghan had to let the stylist go

I actually didn’t even notice Harry first in some of the photos; he is so far behind her, I mistook him for security detail or Meghan’s bag holder, which I suspect he now is.

“So is this car taking me home? Great; Barry, be a dear and grab the bags with the leftovers, would you? We’ll find some homeless people to hand them to on the way home– just make sure the paps photograph us doing it, yah– or there’s really no point.”
“…It’s Harry, actually, not Barry.”

“Who cares– and stand back a bit, I can feel another case of piles coming on.”

I say this seriously, but Harry looks like a shadow of his former self– and if Meghan has finally (and abruptly) stopped hanging off him like she has done constantly for the last seven years, there is definitely trouble in paradise. I mean, since when did she learn to walk and stand on her own?

It’s a Christmas miracle!

I don’t think I’ve ever seen her walk unaided since she got with Harry… Even he looked surprised!

“Fucking hell Megs– I can’t believe it! You’ll be getting a Nobel Prize for this one.

But the fact that the Royal Family didn’t acknowledge Meghan’s birthday did not go unnoticed by eagle-eyed royal fans. While the royal Instagram pages have typically wished Harry, Meghan and their kids a happy birthday over the years, they appear to have stopped now in the last year or two.

And honestly– can you blame them? Imagine shitting all over your family and still expecting them to pay public homage to you on your bday, like:

“The House of Windsor? A bunch of racists. Fuck them, fuck The King, fuck William and Kate and FUCK GREAT BRITAIN!”
“And a very happy 42nd birthday to our dear sweet Duchess of Sussex. Enjoy your special day! All our love, The Prince and Princess of Wales.”

I love the subtle way the Royal Family have snubbed them by totally erasing them from their acknowledgements. If I were them yesterday, I’d have been like:

Anyway– that’s it from me this week!

There are other small bits and pieces I will cover off next week when I have slightly more energy, and I’m sure there will be other things that crop up in the meantime too.

Until then, stay safe and well, don’t catch the plague like I have and have a lovely rest of the weekend!

22 responses to “Royal Round-Up: 6th August”

  1. Thanks for the post, loved it!

    As far as what Victoria Beckham might have leaked:

    Speaking to TalkTV’s Cristo Foufas, she said: “Harry actually reached out to David and said ‘Did Victoria leak details of Meghan’s hairdresser to the press?’

    “David and Victoria were very offended by this and after investigating they discovered the person who leaked the story was the girl that answers the phone at the salon.

    “Victoria Beckham may be many things, but this idea that she’s going to be ringing like a tabloid newspaper to say, guess where Meghan Markle gets her hair done?

    “The hair incident is really where you saw the Beckhams really part ways because they could not believe they were accused of leaking stories about Meghan.

    1. I didn’t know this! How hilarious that she thinks VB would’ve cared to share this information… think V has better things to do! Just responded to your other comment too, but thank you for the messages love! xx

      1. Great work, as always! David Beckham is still in the running for a knighthood,isn’t he?
        Don’t think bring chummy with the Sussexes would be a plus on that front.

        Sending get well wishes!

  2. Sorry to hear about the Covid. Hope you feel better soon.
    Another August ‘baby’ here.
    If Meghan clinches her jaw any tighter, she will break her jaw.

    1. Thank you love! I am feeling much better now– just taking it slow. A fellow August baby! Agreed about the jaw though– that angle in that photo was super telling… not sure what was going on there! xx

  3. Thanks for yet another great post!

    I’m having problems with the comments… do they go to moderation before being published?

    1. Thank you love! Yes, I have them on moderation 🙂 xx

  4. Poor H, he is fading away to last in line in Madam Barnum’s circus parade.

    1. He really is… left trailing behind her all the time now! xx

  5. Great post once again, glad you’re feeling better

    1. Thank you very much darling! xx

  6. Another satirically funny roundup wrapped up as only you can do lovely girl. Deservedly shared, as usual 😉🌸

    1. Thank you so much my darling, as always! Always glad you’ve enjoyed it 🙂 hope you’re having a great weekend! xx

  7. Hilarious post as always! Hope you are feeling better 😊🌻

    1. Thank you very much my darling– on the mend! Glad you enjoyed xx

  8. Thank you for taking time to write this blog, brilliant as always! I hope Covid wasn’t too bad. It’s so annoying how it added to the line of ailments….

    Re madame….it seems that she just can’t be herself, she always must copy, cosplay someone else. It’s a lot like narcissistic mirroring. So weird how she is always so different. Her style, her mannerism, the expression on her face, etc. Many times we can easily see who she is copying. I wonder if she is aware of that, and if she is doing that at home. It must be tiring to follow this constant changing of persona.

  9. Royal Flamingo avatar
    Royal Flamingo

    Meghan looks exactly like an insect that you would slap with a newspaper in that dress, and that handbag looks like a dead armadillo. Hope you’re feeling better!

  10. And another August baby here as well. 🙂Glad you’re feeling better after your brush with covid. Thank you for another entertaining read, looking forward to the next did Meggy not look in a full length mirror before she went out looking like a pedestrian crossing??😂

  11. Wonderful post. I guess it will be just a few months until they split. Harry will regret burning bridges with his side of the family.

  12. Deborah Ashworth avatar
    Deborah Ashworth

    I hope you’re feeling better, it’s a miserable scourge, COVID. As is Megsy. Her jaw, and rest of face sinking into lines, just a bit.
    Thanks so much for all you do -I love it!

  13. I’m late to your latest as always hilariously snarky but true post. Glad to learn from the comments you are starting to feel better. Looking forward to the next instalment.

  14. I enjoyed your description of MM looking like a skunk in that black and white striped dress. Spot in! Love your satire. Feel better soon. Covid is no joke, it takes a while to regain energy.🙏

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