Royal Round-Up: 21st July

Hello everyone — it’s that time of the week again!

Hope you’ve all had a good week! I feel like nothing happened in royal world at the beginning of last week and then everything happened all at once in this last week, so I’ve had to scramble.

So— let’s take a look at some highlights, because bloody hell, have there been a few…

William at The Orangery

So last week, The Prince of Wales visited The Orangery restaurant and it’s staff in Lostwithiel, Cornwall.

“Right let’s keep this quick, yah— I’ve got an Uber Eats scheduled to be sent to Windsor Castle at 3 and I need to eat it before the kids get to it.”

Making the four hour drive from his home in Windsor, Prince William was there to formally open the venue, which serves as part of a 9-month extension plan to create sustainable living.

“So this batch you’ve put on the table here… the badgers have been at it, have they? Looking a bit droopy and soggy. Not really up to royal standards.”

“…Those are not actually ours, your Royal Highness– they’re leftovers from the takeaway lunch we had before you got here.”

William took a tour of the central atrium, where he met the staff who have been heavily involved with the project.

“So you actually come in five days a week and stay for eight hours a day? I’ve never heard of this before– what would you call this scheme?”

“It’s commonly known as a ‘job’, Your Royal Highness.”

Moving over to The Glasshouse, Prince William got a chance to hear all about the large variety of plants for sale, alongside the adjoining Bumblebee Garden.

Kate and I do have a jolly good green thumb and grow some herbs of our own at the palace… I’m not sure it’s the type you’d want to put in your pasta sauce though.”

The Bumblebee Garden looks at preserving the declining bumblebee population within the United Kingdom– something that would surely have interested William’s wife, The Princess of Wales, who recently revealed that she keeps bees at home.

“William– we hear that Catherine likes to keep bees at home? What’s that like?”

“Oh, it’s a pain in the arse, yah– quite literally. They’re all over the gaff. I didn’t see one on my favourite armchair before sitting down last week and now have a whelk on my backside the size of Devon. Frankly, after that, I couldn’t give a shit about the bees.”

Before leaving though, it was time to formally open The Orangery– with the aid of some little helpers.

“Careful with those scissors Olivia, yah– I know I don’t want any more children, but I’d still like my crown jewels attached.”

And with that, it was time for the Prince to head home after a lovely day in Cornwall.

“Right guys, I’m off; I’ve left you a bag of greenery straight from Willy Wales’s Weed Wasteyard, as I like to name it. Call it a thank you for all your hard work. Namaste.”

And now for the big news of the hour…

Harry and Meghan are taking time apart

Well, bugger me!

So I think it was my last blog where I predicted a timeline for their split and guessed it would be a year before the separation announcement, but it now looks like we’re well on track for something before Christmas.

Yes, it has come out via various news sources in the last 48 hours that Harry and Meghan have decided to ‘take some time apart’ in the ‘face of financial struggles’.

There is an awful lot to unpack here…

Firstly… ‘taking time apart’, which is a nice way of saying ‘this relationship is definitely fucked and we’re easing you and ourselves in ahead of a divorce announcement’.

“We’re taking some time away from each other… so that I can think about what else I can squeeze out of Harry before we split and also run a few Google searches to make sure I can definitely hold on to my title in the divorce. Then we’ll announce it.”

It is thought that the pair are trying out a ‘trial separation’ after ‘months of fighting’ due to ‘humiliation over their failed ventures’.

“And I’m like, ‘Harry, how exactly do you expect us to work as a couple when you won’t support any of the useless shit I throw money at?’ I mean, all those hemp coffee stores and spirulina milk brands… He just doesn’t have my back at all.”
“What, because I wouldn’t eat those expired, maggot-infested blueberries you bought to support that family-owned shack in Pasadena? Well excuse me for not wanting to go back to the emergency room after being forced to eat yet more shit you bought at the side of the road, Meghan.”

Apparently the ‘trial separation’ will hopefully allow the couple time to reflect on what has happened the last few years and hopefully allow them to find their bond again.

“Meg, I think it’s lovely you want us to work on our bond and trust again and then pick up where we left off.”

“Ohhh.. no. I said I would work on going through your stocks and bonds and your trust fund to see what was left of it. You must have misheard, baby.”

When most couples decide to take a break, they are usually in different towns, or even different cities. But with Meghan remaining at the couple’s Californian mansion while Harry heads to Africa to film his documentary, it seems like the two just can’t get far enough from each other.

“It’s ok Meghan babes– It’s only temporary and I’ll just be down the road in Bel-Air.”
“Bel-Air is good, or maybe, you know, Botswana?”

The other part that made me laugh was when the tabloids suggested they were facing ‘financial difficulty’. I mean, for Harry and Meghan, what exactly is ‘financial difficulty’? They live in a $15million mansion.

“We’re down to our last $20million, Harry. What on earth are we doing to do? We may even need to get… jobs.”
“Don’t think like that Meghan, yah– it won’t come to that. We’ll just have to cut back on expenditure a bit… You know, maybe sell one of the Ferraris and let two of the six nannies go.”

I find it hard to believe they’re struggling.. I mean, didn’t they get something ridiculous like $100million for the Netflix documentary? What the hell happened to that money? The documentary only came out about 8 months ago!

“Well yes, technically we did get $100million from Netflix, but we bought a private jet, took a few holidays, spent a shit tonne on failed PR to boost our images and then I blew quite a bit in the casinos on a lads trip to Vegas, so you see, we don’t really have much left of it now.”

I’ve said it before (repeatedly) and I will say it again– it was quite clear Meghan was going to be done with Harry when she could not squeeze another drop from him. It is no surprise the cracks have started to show once she realised he could do absolutely nothing further for her image.

I can just see her sat on Oprah’s sofa, giving the first post-divorce interview like:

“It was just horrific, yah; I’ve given five years of myself to this marriage, expecting this to be the gift that keeps on giving because– you know– he’s a fucking Prince… and then it turns out he can’t give me shit apart from a lowly title and two ginger kids. What a waste.”
“Wait… you think Duchess is a lowly title?”
“Well I mean, Kate’s the fucking Princess of Wales and will be promoted to Queen Consort of The United Kingdom at some point and I’m never going to move past ‘Duchess’ so yah, excuse me for being a little upset.”

This all comes as it was revealed the other day that the Department of Homeland Security in the USA refused to comment on the status of Harry’s visa application, citing his ‘right to privacy’.

The intrigue surrounding the application was largely due to the fact that Harry had admitted extensive drug use in the past, which he had apparently not declared in his initial visa application to live in the United States– which was met with public uproar.

Given the fact him and Meghan are on the rocks though, I highly doubt it matters to Homeland Security now.

“We don’t give a shit if he came in with five kilos of heroin up his ass– he’s probably going to be back in the UK by Halloween anyway.”

In all honesty, I doubt his application is even active now– he has probably pulled the plug on it himself after realising that life in Cali isn’t for him and that his wife is going to divorce him anyway.

“Oh fuck– y’all don’t make eye contact now, it’s that Prince Hamish from England coming to check on his visa application again.”
“Actually, good people of Homeland Security, I have come to withdraw my application forthwith. You see, it appears myself and my wife, the Duchess of Sussex, are experiencing a few marital woes, so I fear that at this time, it would not be appropriate for me to–“
“–That’s ok hun, we weren’t gonna approve it anyway as we found some traces of cocaine on the application itself. Exit is to your left and safe travels back to England… once we’ve checked your rectum for any prohibited substances.”

But when the inevitable divorce does happen, what will be waiting for Harry when he gets back to England? He has completely alienated and disrespected his family, so I doubt he will get a warm reception– especially from the Wales clan.

“Hey kids, Uncle Harry’s back yah– how about a hug?”
“Yikes, who the fuck is that!? Mum– shall I call security?”

I also can’t imagine it would go down too well with his older brother William, who likely wouldn’t be too keen on a reconciliation.

“Hey bro, what’s up? Fancy a pint and a catch up?”
“Kate, hold me back before that dickhead is wearing that fucking pint.”

It will certainly be interesting to see how this plays out anyway.

Aaaand speaking of flying between the UK and the USA, perhaps the funniest news story to arise this week was that Harry and Meghan had expected to fly on Air Force One after attending Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral here in London.

I just want to know at what point Harry and Meghan actually thought that this request would be considered by the United States government? An exiled royal and a failed actress wanted to hitch a ride on the President’s plane? Just how exactly did they even arrive at the idea for this?

“So if Elton John’s plane isn’t available, just how the fuck are we supposed to get home to Cali?”
“Chill Meghan yah– there are like four flights going from Heathrow tomorrow, we’ll just hop on one of those.”
“‘Hop’”? Commercial!?… Oh fuck no– it’ll have to be Air Force One. Let me call Jill.”

I mean, I don’t blame Meghan for trying; she is clearly obsessed with the idea of getting into politics and let’s face it, this is the closest she’d come to sniffing the jet fuel from that aircraft as she’s never going to be President.

But I also don’t need to tell you that the White House were (understandably) like:

Yes, keen not to shit all over their relationship with the palace and new King, The White House declined Harry and Meghan’s proposal to hitch a ride on Joe and Jill’s plane and the couple were instead forced to find another mode of transport.

“I mean… Jeff Bezos could lend us a rocket or something?”

“Meg, we’re flying United and that’s the end of it.”

Anyway– I can’t wait to see what comes out of this trial separation and how this unfolds. Popcorn at the ready, guys!

The Wales Family at The Royal International Air Tattoo

Back to Britain, and it was a day out for the Wales family at the RAF Fairford in Gloucestershire, now that the kids have broken up from school for the summer.

“Sorry we’re a bit late– the kids weren’t keen on the idea of sitting on a plane that isn’t going anywhere, so I had to lie and tell them we were going to Barbados. We had to spend two hours fake packing suitcases.

As it is the world’s largest military air show featuring over 250 aircrafts, we can only imagine how excited the kids must have been to spend the day there.

“So this plane here is over 70 years old and was used in–“

I don’t give a shit, mumwhy does this look more like Birmingham than Bridgetown? I thought we were going on holiday?”

Wanting to honour their strong relationship with the RAF, owing to William’s time as a search and rescue pilot, the couple were thrilled to be able to take their three kids– Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis– for a fun family day out.

“Oh, more waving at peasants in the rain– fucking enthralling.”

Upon arrival at the Air Tattoo Show, the family were greeted by Air Marshal Philip Osborn, Chairman of the RAFCT– and treated to a look at a C-17 plane that was on display.

“This one better be going to Mustique, guys.”

The family seemed to enjoy viewing the various planes as as they made their way around the show, with Kate visiting an area called the ‘Techno Zone’, designed to inspire young people to explore science, technology and engineering.

“We’re really proud of what we’ve achieved here, Your Royal Highness; we hope that one day George, Charlotte and Louis will be able to join us here and assist in our future projects.”
“Oh no, let’s just be clear here– they won’t be working in the future. I mean, I know you have to because you don’t have ‘Princess’ in front of your names, but my children don’t have that issue.”

And back outside, it quickly became abundantly clear that 9-year-old Prince George wasn’t keen on exploring any career options either.

“Prince George of Wales– it’s lovely to meet you. I take it you’ll be training with us in the future as preparation for your role as King?”
“You have to be shitting me, right? When I’m King, you can ‘take it’ that I’ll be sitting on my arse in a palace eating Thai food and getting blotto on Veuve.”

But it does seem a nice day out for the family and especially the children, who are usually quite captivated by planes, especially during Trooping The Colour and other such events.

“Come on darling, smile and wave and say goodbye to the nice people.”
…ok, maybe less like a Prisoner of War being held captive by the Taliban, Louis.”

Harry and Meghan are up for an award for Netflix series

I’m not really sure where to begin with this one… just who exactly is handing over a gong for that pile of crap?

Although Meghan could definitely snatch up an award for Best Leading Actress for her role over the last seven years as Harry’s partner

Nope, apparently it is from the Hollywood Critics Association TV Awards for Best Streaming Nonfiction Series. Of the nomination, it is said that the series ‘captured the public and media’s attention across the globe’… when in reality, the public were actually sat there watching it like this:

Secondly, it’s pretty bold to call it a ‘non-fiction’ series when it was very clearly story-telling of the highest calibre. I mean, did they utter even one sentence that was true?

“Well yeahOur names were accurate.”

“Actually babes, our real names are Henry and Rachel, not Harry and Meghan.”
“Oh yeah! Then no.”

The Netflix series detailed how the pair had first ‘fallen in love’ and a look at their ‘budding romance’ under the watchful eye of the British media. I just wish they had gone back just a little bit further to show how Meghan had plotted to get Harry.

I can just see her meeting up with her PR team and pitching her idea to marry a high-roller, like:

“Right ok, what about this one? Prince Harry of Wales, born 1984 to Charles, Prince of Wales and Diana, Princess of Wales. Some drug issues and sometimes dressed up as a Nazi and fought outside nightclubs, but he’s single and desperate for a wife, so that’s all that matters.”

But the path to stalking true love wasn’t easy and the docuseries follows how Meghan really had to put her arse into it to ensnare the Prince.

“I mean, what else can I possibly try? I’ve already called Kensington Palace four times, I’ve sent stuffed bears and some hash brownies to reel him in… what else do I need to do, sleep outside his home?”
“Well, if you’re really dedicated to getting him…”
“I mean now that I reflect on that first night I slept in the greenery outside Kensington Palace, it was crazy to spend four nights in the February cold with a lavender bush up my ass, but it’s what you do for love.”
“I mean, you went above and beyond for your man and nobody can question that. He must have been so touched.”
“Well, it turns out Harry was actually on holiday in The Bahamas at the time and I ended up being hospitalised for hypothermia, but all’s well that ends well.”

Now that is a Netflix show I would watch! Because let’s face it, the other one isn’t going to win shit.

The Wales family at Wimbledon

There was another Wales family outing in the form of the Wimbledon’s Men’s final in SW19, where the Prince and Princess of Wales attended the match with their two eldest children, Prince George and Princess Charlotte.

“Louis? Oh no, he’s at home. If we brought him, he’d only be out on the court trying to eat the Astroturf or something, so thought it best to leave him with the nanny.”

The family made their grand entrance ahead of the match between Novak Djokovic and Carlos Alcaraz, marking a second visit for Prince George at the tennis tournament and a first for Princess Charlotte.

“Mummy, look! There are kids down there the same age as us.”

“No George, you mustn’t play with the peasants– you might catch something. Straight to Centre Court, darling.”

Before taking their seats for the hotly anticipated game, the family stopped to talk to members of St. John’s Ambulance and the Royal Navy.

“You must be incredibly excited about the game, Your Royal Highness.”

“Yes, but also for the free Pimms. The game, definitely… but also the Pimms.”

Once seated in Centre Court, Kate chatted happily with her children about the game ahead; an avid tennis-lover herself, she was no doubt explaining the rules of the game to her two eldest children.

“So how hard do they have to hit the ball, mummy?”

“Do you remember that time mummy hit Aunty Meghan with a tennis racket over the head because she called me ‘Cathy’ instead of ‘Your Royal Highness’? Yes, well with the same sort of force.”

With the game underway and heating up, it was quite clear the family were getting stuck in to the action on Centre Court.

“Holy shit, what the fuck!? Smack him Carlos!”
“Fuuuuck, this is mental. Have I got time to pop out for a quick ciggie in between sets?”
“Mummy’s a bit animated, isn’t she? I mean, I know she loves tennis, but–“

“–George, just get your sister to swipe the hip flask next time Mum gets up to hit on Brad Pitt again.”

It seemed little Charlotte was seriously getting into the game too, as she reacted much like her mother to many of the ups and downs of the match.

“God it’s tense, isn’t it Charlotte?”

“Yeah, one sec mum, I’m just making sure the photographers snap my cool shades.

But Carlos being down in the first set really got tensions running high and the little Princess began to feel the stress.

“Gosh mummy, this is so stressful– is it time to have some of your Pimms yet?”

“Yes, later darling– not in front of the cameras; one can only imagine the headlines tomorrow.”

But in the end, it was the 20-year-old Carlos from Spain who was victorious, clipping a win over Djokovic, with both tennis players being presented with their awards by the Princess of Wales.

“Well since Federer turned me down– you don’t fancy dinner, do you?”

“Sorry Your Royal Highness, I’m married.”
“What about you Carlos… no? Ok.”
“Dad, is mum trying to–“

“Just leave her mate honestly, I gave up years ago.”

But across the Atlantic, and likely annoyed with the press attention the Wales family were getting back in the UK, Meghan arranged a little pap walk of her own doing… fuck knows what.

Apparently dear Meggy thought this was a good time to get someone to photograph her attending a farmer’s market– because let’s face it, she doesn’t really do much else these days.

“And how much for the magic mushrooms? We’re a little hard up these days and need to cut costs where we can.”

Strolling along in the Californian sunshine, clearly desperate to be noticed by anyone who may have a vague idea who she was, Meghan stopped to pick up some flowers– which kind of made it look like she wasn’t interested in anything else there and had to buy anything she clapped her beady eyes on so that she didn’t look cheap.

“$35? For these?… Would it be cheaper if I just took a few stems and picked the rest out of that bush over there?”

But another thing Meghan did was ignore the ‘no dogs’ rule, and instead took along one of her long suffering pets, a beagle — whose name I’ve no clue.

What’s interesting about Meghan is that she can take her dog to a farmer’s market where they don’t allow them, when she could’ve left him at home for a 40-minute jaunt, but couldn’t move her other dog across the Atlantic when she moved to the UK to marry Harry.

“I mean honestly, no dogs? Do they not know who I am?”

“Lady, right now you’re just a stuck up bitch who won’t play by the rules.”

Ah well. Let’s hope she had a good day at the Farmer’s Market and that this generated the press attention she so clearly craves.

“I’ll give you $10 for them. Final offer. I’m on a budget.”

Well that’s all from me for this week, guys; I accidentally deleted the whole post earlier by mistake and had a meltdown (thank god for restored versions) so I’m signing off now.

It just remains for me to wish you all a great weekend ahead and a very happy 10th birthday to Prince George of Wales for tomorrow!

Take it easy out there and see you next time!


18 responses to “Royal Round-Up: 21st July”

  1. Another most entertaining blog gorgeous girl … as usual, shared to tumblr

    1. Thank you my lovely darling! Always so good to hear from you and thank you for sharing ❤️

  2. Can'tRecollectForNow avatar

    Gurrrrrrrrrl, I’ve just begun reading, but so far I’m only as far as your gif thingy! You are definitely one hot chick so I’m thinking about how one never knows what the blog owner looks like even though we kinda get a picture in our heads, right? I love your look and I’m really loving your dress and heels!

    Gotta go so that I can read and laugh my head off which I love to do. Life is short.

  3. Always a blast! Thanks so much for the update!

    1. Thank you my lovely! ❤️

  4. Thanks for the giggles and have a great weekend!

    1. You’re very welcome. Thank you my love! ❤️

  5. Can'tRecollectForNow avatar

    I read the blog to my husband and we had such a laugh together last night! Thank you ever so much for this update, Crown. In fact, what kept us both laughing is your descriptions, pics, well, all of it about Kate, Wills and young’uns! Too funny!

    1. I’m so glad you both enjoyed it — especially the bits about Kate and co! Thank you for reading ❤️

  6. Ad always, that was a brilliantly fun read. Thank you for sharing your wit and gift once again!

    1. Thank you so much my darling! ❤️

  7. Brilliant as always Saffy! I do wonder though if I’m the only one who imagines our beautiful & beautifully spoken Princess of Wales with an accent akin to Kat Slater or perhaps Gemma Collins when reading the hilarious asides you write for her. Louis’ face at the Royal Air Show was a hoot! 🤣🤣. Looking forward to your next instalment. 🤗💕

    1. Hahahah I would love to hear a Kat Slater accent on her! 😂😂 thank so much my love – so glad you enjoyed it! ❤️

  8. Maureen Lumino avatar
    Maureen Lumino

    Brilliant, as usual!😂

    1. Thank you lovely! ❤️

  9. Brilliant darling! I adore your work, from the moment you slide out of the doors! Yes TW has squeezed out Haz’s b *lls, so probably not much left in trust at at this point

    1. Thank you my love! Really appreciate it! ❤️

  10. Wow- I have not read anything about the Harkels possibly doing a trial separation. I so hope so but I can t believe Megain would want that out. I am still rooting for Harry even though he is a twat and will need to grovel for a very long time. Thanks for the fun jesting of the Walesies (?). I love loVE LOVE them!

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: