Royal round-up: 08 July

It’s that time of the week again!

Yes, hello and welcome to another Royal Round-Up!

I am desperately trying to clear the backlog from the last couple of weeks while juggling my day job– so in showing dedication to my company, I have found it is better to do this on my Working From Home days where I can block out faux ‘admin’ sections in my Outlook calendar so they can assume I’m swamped.

…writing my blog.

Anyway, I’d grab a snack as this is going to be a long one, so without further ado, let’s take a look at some recent royal highlights…

William and George at The Ashes

Last weekend, Prince William (The Prince of Wales) treated his son and heir, Prince George, to an England vs. Australia cricket match at Lord’s Cricket Ground here in London.

“Right George– keep your eyes on the pitch and don’t move– Daddy’s off to grab a cold one at the bar.”

In some special father-son time, the pair appeared relaxed as they sat in the stands and took in the day’s events; it is, after all, not the first time William has taken his boy to a sports event– so George is pretty well versed in attending sporting matches by now.

“Dad man, you were gone for like 40 minutes– where the fuck are my nachos?”

“Sorry mate– there was a long queue and I got distracted by a fit barmaid. There’s some chewing gum stuck under the seat if you’re feeling peckish?”

The two royals were seated next to Richard Thompson, the chairman of the England and Wales Cricket Board, alongside Stephen Fry– and Britain’s Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak.

“Bloody hell dad– I think we both need something stronger than water sitting next to Rishi.”

But while he may not have received a platter of nachos, Dad Prince William saved the day by getting his eldest child a pizza to munch on during the game, much to George’s delight I’m sure.

“So what do you think of the pizza, George? Up to royal standards?”

“To be honest Dad, it tastes like Gandhi’s flip-flop; but I’m so bloody hungry on account of you chatting up some tart at the bar instead of feeding me, I’d eat the cricket ball if I had to.”

All in all, a nice day out for father and son in the sunshine, watching a bit of cricket without the distraction of the rest of the family.

“Right George, we better get home yah– I’ve got a serious pain in my arse brewing.”

“What– did Mum phone again?”

“No I meant from sitting on these chairs… but I see where you’re coming from.”

Kate opens the Young V&A

And kicking her royal solo engagements off, The Princess of Wales visited the Young V&A, where she opened the museum ahead of its official public opening on the following Saturday.

“Good morning everyone– your Princess is here bright and early to sample only the finest cocktails you have to offer!”
“Your Royal Highness… you do know what V&A stands for, don’t you?”
“Yes… Vodka and Absinthe… right?”

Upon arrival, Kate greeted the children within a storytelling session, where she shared with them just how much her own three children– Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis– love to share their own stories with her, further proving just how great she is with kids.

“Mine just love telling me things; for example, George is always telling me about the annoying classmates whose heads he’ll cut off when he’s King, Charlotte just loves to complain about how ugly the latest Chanel range is– and Louis mainly tells me about whatever object he’s stuck up his nose that day.”
“And Wills and I are like, ‘ok, we don’t give a shit– when is the nanny putting you to bed so we can open this bottle of Pinot Noir and watch Love Island?’”

The Princess also learnt about how parents, teachers and donors contributed to the colossal three-year transformation of the museum, with their ideas on art and architecture.

“Catherine, we would be delighted to take you around the museum and show you all the incredible artwork our donors have given us. Do you have any art pieces hanging up in your house at Adelaide Cottage?”
“Hmm.. We do have one great piece framed above the fireplace in the drawing room taken by the paparazzi in the South of France.. You know, the ones who photographed me with my bikini off and a cigarette in my mouth around ten years ago? Wills just loved my rack in those pics.”

Catherine actually became the first ever royal patron of the V&A Museum, assuming the position around five years ago. Since then, she has made several visits to the museum, regularly discussing her love of photography and art with those who work there.

“I do really love photography. I take the children’s birthday portraits every year; granted they’re usually taken on an iPhone after a pub lunch and where we’ve spent most of the session trying to stop Louis drowning himself in a nearby pond, but people treat me like I’m Ansel Adams or some shit.”

Kate also spoke to children at the museum to see the artwork that they had created and to learn more about what inspired the ideas behind their own creations.

“So you simply stuck two balls of clay together and called it a snowman?… Stephanie, did you know I woke up at 6:00am for this?”

But after spending the morning with the kids at the museum, it was time for the Princess to say goodbye– but not before she was attacked with hugs.

“Yes ok, goodbye– Christ, watch the Beluah dress, yah– I didn’t spend £2000 of your parents’ tax money on this frock for you to cover it in PVA glue and bits of macaroni.”

Harry wants to return to charity work

So it’s come out in the news over the last week to so that in actual fact, Harry wants to return to his royal roots and focus more on charity work going forward.

How very noble of him.

It is said that the 38-year-old Duke is ‘tired’ of the showbiz lifestyle his wife keeps trying to break her way into and really just wants to focus on the more important things in life.

Firstly, has he run this past said wife yet? Can’t imagine that one went down too well.

“So you’re telling me you don’t want to just focus on lying, suing people and making a shit tonne of money for ourselves? What kind of Prince are you?”
“One that just wants to focus on what matters in life, yah. Meg, do you really not want to change the world for the better?”
“No— I want to buy a condo in Miami and vacation in the Maldives twice a year. You can go do a shift in the food bank or whatever the fuck it is you want to do— you can find me on a yacht somewhere when you’re done.”

It’s been said that Harry wants to go back to spending more time in Africa and plans to film a documentary whilst out there— but that it is unlikely that his wife will join him on the continent— probably because she won’t get to be the star of the show.

“Actually Meghan, it’s a real bare bones documentary about poverty and famine– I just don’t think you fit the bill for this one, yah.”
“But… what do you mean? I’ve already had the staff load up the private jet and I’ve had hair and make-up on standby for weeks. I had thirty Givenchy outfits packed too– what the fuck am I supposed to do with them now?”

Back last year when promoting failed podcast Archetypes, Meghan had said of her and husband Harry that they were like ‘salt and pepper– we always move together’ in relation to their life goals and “”work””, but if these claims are anything to go by, it doesn’t seem that this is the case for them anymore.

I dunno Meghan babe– it’s looking increasingly like your salt and pepper shakers were left on two different tables of the Wetherspoons at this stage

Realistically speaking, if they’re not even aligned on their projects now, I would say this is the beginning of the end for them. If Meghan doesn’t want to join Harry on his charitable ventures, they are definitely veering off in two different directions.

“And then after that, I’m feeling to head over to maybe India or Pakistan and start work on making sure that all women have access to feminine hygiene products and to end the stigma around menstruation. What do you think babes?”
“I think I married the wrong fucking brother. William’s the heir to the throne– he’s probably out there right now playing polo and attending banquets– he’s not sat in some factory in Bangladesh stitching tampons together and crying about periods. Grow some balls.”

While Harry tries to return to his humanitarian work, Meghan is instead turning her attention to fashion, food and therapy– three things she knows fuck all about considering she can’t dress to save her life, likely has no idea what a frying pan looks like and doesn’t seem to have benefitted from any therapy she might have had in her life.

Markle is also said to be hiring a PR guru in attempts to pick up what is left of her ‘reputation’ after several failed attempts at trying to become top dog. She is reportedly paying through the nose to ensure that the person hired completely transforms her image and re-launches her as a globally adored megastar.

He works in PR babes– he’s not a fucking magician.

All I can say is that whoever she hires has their work cut out for them and will face quite a brutal sacking when Meghan quickly realises that they cannot pull a miracle out of their arse for her.

And as for Harry, if he cannot learn what type of woman his wife is by now– solely from the fact she would prefer to spend time and millions on making herself look good rather than undertaking charity work– he is a total lost cause.

“I mean sure, Meghan isn’t interested in helping others and would rather focus her attention on TV interviews, her own reputation, making millions of dollars and ensuring she never has to set foot on a commercial airliner ever again, but deep down, my wife has a pure heart of gold, yah.”

Real talk, we all know what will happen now; it’ll be a barrage of stories in the press about Harry heading off to Africa and carrying out his charitable work there, while Meghan remains in California and rubs shoulders with any Z-lister that will give her five minutes of their time.

In about a years’ time, we will get the long-awaited news that they have finally separated with some long vomit-inducing statement about how they love and respect each other and wish to remain friends for the sake of the kids, but they just have very different focuses in life.

“And while obviously I am devastated by our split, we just have two very different visions for the future: Harry enjoys making money for the less fortunate and I enjoy making money for myself, the more fortunate. It just wasn’t going to work out.”

And in true Meg fashion, the second there is even a hint that things might not be so rosy for her and her husband, there has to be a little pap walk for them, where they can be seen acting oh so in love.

And you know this chick has spotted the cameras, because on the rare occasion she is not aware she is being watched, she avoids Harry like he has leprosy.

Walking out of an office complex, probably to promise yet another company they’ll deliver on something they’ll spectacularly fail to, Meghan laughed and joked as she held hands with her husband, seemingly trying her hardest to prove all was well.

“Harry, quick– the paparazzi I phoned have shown up. Just laugh like I’ve said something really funny.”
“…yeah, maybe try it again– you look more like I’ve just told you that I ran over your cat.”

To be honest, if Harry needed to laugh, he need look no further than Meghan’s outfit, which was one of the strangest combination of items I’ve seen recently. I can’t say I’m really sure what look she was going for?

I don’t know.. I’m getting strong zookeeper vibes from this get-up.

That aside, the outing comes as it was reported that Harry and Meghan had been officially evicted from Frogmore Cottage in Windsor by none other than King Charles III himself. The eviction came just days after the release of Harry’s book ‘Spare’– so it’s not really a surprising move from The King.

“I’ll be fucked if the two of you think you’re going to get a free house from me after bitching about us all in that collection of crap you call a book. Pack your shit and get out.”

It always feels that Meghan is trying a little too hard to prove that everything is great when everything is in actual fact, collapsing around them. Failed podcast and book deals, evicted from a property, reputation in the toilet… It isn’t going too well.

And I only mention Meghan trying hard to keep up appearances because she’s grinning like she’s just landed for a three-week holiday in Bora Bora and Harry looks like he has just come out from having an enema.

But before long, it was time to head back to their car and be whisked away back to their Montecito mansion– where they could presumably go back to sleeping in separate beds.

“Ok, you can let go now Harry, yah– I think the paps have fucked off.”

Anyway, I’ve gone off piste, but if if Harry is in fact going to focus on something more worthwhile going forward than throwing his family under the bus and licking the arses of any Hollywood icon his wife tells him to, he has my full support at least.

As for the other one…

William at the polo

So yesterday, Prince William (The Prince of Wales) took to the polo field at Outsourcing Inc.’s Royal Polo Cup in Windsor while his wife, The Princess of Wales, also rocked up to show some support for her husband.

“So you will be there to cheer me on, right babes?”
“Of course, darling! …The bar is within 20 feet of the pitch, right?”

Each year, The Prince of Wales takes part in the charity polo match for a chance to raise £1million for 11 different organisations that William and Kate support, including East Anglia Children’s Hospices (EACH), Baby Basics, Centrepoint and The Passage.

“Gonna need something for my passage at this rate– my arse is completely shot from sitting in this saddle for 3 hours.”

Sitting out the first two periods, known as chukkas, Prince William watched the opening of the games with wife Kate before taking to the pitch himself– as the adoring Princess looked on.

“Good luck babes, mwah mwah, don’t fall off the horse or whatever. Now then… I can spy a glass of champers over there with my name on it.”

William was playing for the U.S. Polo Association and joined his team mates on the field for the third chukka onwards, playing in a defense position, while his wife enjoyed a glass of champagne at the sidelines.

“Fucking finally– have you got any tequila back there too?”

But while a mixture of sun and booze usually makes the average person quite sleepy, it only seemed to bolster the energy of the 41-year-old Princess, who demonstrated sheer class and sophistication as she showed her support for her husband.

“Fucking smack him one, Wills! Knock his arrogant arse off that horse!”
“Fuck yeah, babes, that’s my man right there! One fine piece of British royal ass!”

During an interval, it was time for William to have a quiet word with his exuberant spouse and her choice of words during the match…

“Will you shut up, you daft cow– this is why I normally leave you at home.”

During one such break, Prince William was also seen making a quick phone call as his wife of 12 years looked on.

“Hello, is this our Head of Security Detail? This is the Prince of Wales, yah, The Princess needs picking up– she’s pissed as a fart and doing my head in.”

“Oh my god Wills, give me the phone– I’m really not that shitfaced. I’ll be good — hang up! HANG UP!”

But before long, it was time for William to head back to the pitch and close up the last few rounds of the day before the polo cup was awarded.

“So.. we’re all good for me to go back to the bar, yes? I’ve had a pint of water, I’m no longer seeing three of you and I’m ready to crack on.”

“Christ, are you still here? I asked MI5 to remove you an hour ago.”

But it was victory for William and his team, as they beat the opposition to win themselves the trophy, presented by The Princess to her husband and his teammates.

“Kate, wasn’t the top of this supposed to be a golden polo mallet?”

“Yeah it was, but I must’ve knocked it off on my way back from the toilet, so I just had a rummage around the car and replaced it with one of the stuffed animals Louis left in there. I don’t think anyone has noticed.”

All in all, a good day out for the royals and I’m sure William was glad to have his wife’s support.

“And I’m the only member of the team to get a kiss! Lucky me!”
“Yeah, but I’ve been looking at that American businessman on your team in the tight jodhpurs and he could definitely get more than a kiss.”

Harry, Meghan and the New York car chase

So this one is a little old now but I’ve had a couple of comments on here about the fact I never covered this off previously (also, my mum told me to write about it and you don’t argue with her) so I am actually going to break with current news for one sec and briefly revisit this.

Back in May, while attending the Women of Vision Awards in New York City, Harry and Meghan’s team have claimed that the pair were ‘followed in a high speed car chase’ by paparazzi as they left the venue.

And I’m Kim Jong Un.

It was reported, again by their team, that as they left the Ziegfeld Ballroom in Manhattan that night, the two were pursued by NYC paparazzi, resulting in a ‘dangerous car chase’ through midtown Manhattan.

Now… I don’t know how many of you on here have ever been to New York City, but I lived there for 2 years and logistically cannot see how a high-speed car chase can take place in what is an incredibly busy part of the city.

It also could not be clearer that Meghan was trying her hardest to look like Princess Diana– despite claiming she knew absolutely nothing about her.

“Harry, we are going way too fast. Do you want me to tragically pass away inside a tunnel in a city I don’t live in, just like your mother, Her Royal Highness Diana, The Princess of Wales, born in Norfolk, England on 1st July 1961?”
“Babes, what are you talking about– we’ve been in standstill traffic for the last 40 minutes. I’ve watched 20 drunk people come and go from that Dunkin’ Donuts across the street.”

It was said that the couple’s security detail had first tried to shake off photographers by taking a longer drive than usual around the city, but they eventually hit a problem when they got stuck… behind a garbage truck.

I’ll bet Meggy was over the moon about that one: not only is she having to lie about being in a high speed car chase to begin with, but now she has to embellish slightly less riveting details of the story because they just don’t quite fit the image she was going for.

“A fucking garbage truck?! Oh no Haz, we are changing this in the final story we put out. I’d prefer to say we were stuck behind Beyonce’s convoy or something.”

It was actually a cab driver nearby who dobbed them in and basically shat all over their story by saying it didn’t appear to be a ‘chase’ at all and that all he saw was the car driving at a normal speed through the street.

In the end, a New York spokesman released a statement on the matter, confirming that the NYPD had assisted Harry and Meghan’s security detail that night, but did not refer to the episode as a ‘chase’ as such. The spokesperson, Julian Phillips, was quoted as saying the following:

“There were numerous photographers that made their transport challenging. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex arrived at their destination and there were no reported collisions, summonses, injuries, or arrests.”

Much to Meghan’s dismay, I’m sure.

Unsurprisingly, Harry and Meghan’s PR team didn’t respond to Julian’s statement or any questions that arose from it, likely out of fury that he had not confirmed that it was some sort of hot pursuit situation.

“Baby, why is he making it sound like it was just a few photographers and that we had to take a slow drive around the streets for an hour to lose them, before getting stuck behind a dump truck?”

“…because that’s exactly what happened, babes.”

Honestly, could this chick be any more blatant in her attempts to look like Diana? It’s insane. Most people, when they want to be like someone, just copy their haircut or facial expressions— Meghan likes to fabricate stories that she “almost died” in the same way.

Or is she really so delusional she actually believed the car was moving at a far greater speed than it was? And that they were actually being tailed by paparazzi in a city that doesn’t appear to give a shit about them?

“God Haz, they’re everywhere — just make them all stop. They’re even on motorbikes now!”

“Yeah, I think that might just be an Uber Eats delivery driver, Megs.”

Well she really blew that one: the story fell totally flat and didn’t quite garner the response she wanted (largely because most of us could tell it was bullshit). Meghan also knows she can’t come up with the same story again in the future now, as then we’ll all really know it was fake, so she’s a bit screwed.

“It was my trump card and now it’s gone. I’ll just have to divorce Harry, buy a black revenge dress and start hanging out in Paris.”

Overall, I think we know the story was totally embellished because when exactly has the woman ever tried to avoid the cameras? She can usually sniff one 100 miles out— they could’ve used her in rescue efforts for the Titan submersible.

“Guys it’s ok – Meghan Markle has joined the rescue mission. We’re just going to drop a camera to the ocean floor — she’ll follow it and find the sub in no time.”

Better luck next time fabricating total crap, Meg.

Kate at Wimbledon & 75 years of the NHS

Perhaps the biggest indicator that summertime has arrived in England is when Wimbledon kicks off — and this year is no exception.

Last week, we saw The Princess of Wales take her seat in the royal box to catch the latest in the tournament— exuding extreme class and elegance, as always.

“Will someone fucking take this please or am I actually expected to carry my own bag?“
“Oh brilliant— and now it’s raining and I’m also made to carry my own umbrella.”
“Shall I pop downstairs to the changing rooms and ask the players if they want me to play the match for them too, or am I ok to sit my arse down now?”

Eventually Kate, who is patron of the All England Lawn Tennis & Croquet Club, was able to take her seat, being placed next to Roger Federer and his wife Mirka.

“Feds, I’ve spotted a Pimms tent just over there — be a dear and grab us a jug or two, will you?”
“No Kate — tennis is a sport best enjoyed sober. You can follow the ball and scores a lot more closely.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Considering they’re quite good friends by now, they must’ve had a lot to chat about as they nattered away happily court side— with Mirka jumping in occasionally.

“Bit of a confession to make, but do you remember when I told you my mum had a huge crush on you? Well I might’ve been lying— it’s actually me. Fancy dinner sometime?”

“Well Kate, I’m truly flattered, but—“
“—bitch, I been watching you at every tournament, trying to make a move on my husband. You have your own stick with him.
“Mirka honey, you’re quite welcome to mine: he’s also tall, ripped and one thing your husband is not— the future King of England. You should at least consider it.”

“Hmm… Queen Mirka does have a ring to it…”

But despite the rain, the future Queen seemed to really enjoy her outing to watch the tennis and left the venue in very high spirits.

“Now to find the drinkable spirits.”

Shortly thereafter, it was on to another engagement for the Prince and Princess of Wales, as they celebrated the 75th birthday of the NHS at Guys and St. Thomas Hospital in London.

“Bloody hell Alice — were you hiding in my closet while I got ready this morning? You’ve copied my entire look.”

The couple joined a surprise tea party for NHS staff, where they helped make a cake alongside Bake Off finalist, Alice Fevronia.

“Sorry everyone — mine’s gone a bit floppy and it’s leaking.”

“Yes, I hear that about three times a week, William.”

The couple also helped set tables ahead of the tea party and answered the burning British question of what goes first on a scone— jam or cream.

Kate revealed that she puts jam first on hers, while William simply joked “whatever’s closest.”

“Cream, jam, Nutella… I’m not arsed mate. One time it was even Kate’s mud mask. Didn’t taste too bad actually.”

The couple happily sat and chatted with NHS staff about the daily challenges they face in their field and within the NHS overall, with William and Kate both lauding the healthcare system as wonderful and thanking the staff for all they do.

“From specialist trauma hospitals to maternity— you really are truly amazing.”

“Excuse me Your Highness, but didn’t you give birth on a private ward of an NHS Hospital… three times?”

“Well I’m not giving birth out on a regular one am I— don’t know what I’ll catch. Tracey from down the road gave birth on an NHS ward at Chelsea and Westminster and came out with a baby boy and MRSA.”

But the couple really seemed to enjoy the day and spending time with the hospital staff on what was a hugely momentous occasion.

“Fucking hell Kate, hurry up yah— we’ll still be standing here for the next birthday at this rate.”

Well that’s all from me – I did warn you it was going to be a long one!

As the Wales kids apparently broke up for summer this past week, I’m not expecting to see a huge amount from William and Catherine in the coming weeks as they’ll likely go on holiday with the kids or stay home with them— but there’ll always be something to write about I’m sure!

Until next time, stay safe, stay sane and I’ll see you all again soon!

15 responses to “Royal round-up: 08 July”

  1. Youre spoiling us. Were going to expect this every week now, lol.
    Brilliant as usual, you make me laugh so much with the captions. Thanks

    1. Thank you my darling! ❤️ the aim is to go back to weekly posts so hopefully I can make that happen! 😌

  2. Wonderfully funny as ever! Whether you write far apart or close together, we are thrilled. Thank you for your sass!

    1. Thank you my darling! Hope all is well with you ❤️

  3. Always entertaining!

    I do think that Harry knew exactly who he was marrying, and I just don’t see that Harry has much, in humanitarian work. Harry didn’t want to be a supporting player in the BRF. He wanted to be a star. Just my thoughts

    1. I totally agree but also wonder if he’s now realised how out of place he is and that he doesn’t really fit in after all. But I agree he has an inferiority complex for sure! Thank you my love ❤️

  4. You’re the best!

  5. Brilliant post, thank you.

    1. Thank you my love! ❤️

  6. You’re spot on about the divorce statement, they’re best friends, soul mates etc., also she didn’t realize how mentally-damaged he is, for the sake of the children they have to part … and she’s stitched him up completely with all his confessions of mental health problems. More dosh for her. Can you imagine the media coverage? Time to order the popcorn.

    1. She didn’t realize how poor rich he was. But, yes, couple that with the drugs and drinking, the mental health issues that she deliberately exacerbates in order to control him, he is far more work than she was prepared for or willing to undertake. Add two toddlers to secure her place into the mix and little Miss Whipsmart picked the wrong location to dig for gold. Now she’s scrambling and I am highly entertained by all of it!

    2. We just know it’s coming! I agree he’s been set up too. She’ll also throw him under the bus over the fact he admitted he was too ashamed to get her help when she was allegedly struggling with suicidal thoughts. He is going right under that bus with the rest of his family.

  7. The only Royal News that I read now is your blog. The rest became way too annoying, and crazy. Thank you for suffering through them for us, and make it entertaining! Brilliant work!

  8. Thank you for a fun and thoughtful post. I don’t know how you are able to think of all of this. The gruesome twosome are equally bad. His book showed his deep seated jealousy and small mindedness. She is a malignant narcissist. Together they have caused hurt and damaged too many people. It is great that we can read your posts and laugh for a time.

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