Well hello everyone and welcome to another royal round up!
Sorry that it’s been a minute– life as usual has gotten in the way, but with so much going on in royal world, I had to come back and cover things off.
After a nice couple of days break in Belgium, I am now back and ready to go!
I know some of this is super old now but bear with meโ it was too good not to cover.
So without further ado..
Trooping the Colour
Starting with the big summer events, it was Trooping The Colour a couple of weeks ago, which is held as the monarch’s official birthday celebration in the UK.
It is a day of pomp and pageantry where the household cavalry and other royal regiments take part in a large parade and procession down The Mall and over to Buckingham Palace, with the family being led in by carriage.
The first carriage of course contained The Queen Consort Camilla, alongside The Princess of Wales, Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis, who appeared to be enjoying the festivities.
The procession, which travels down through Horseguards Parade, was one of the many times now we have seen the Wales children take their seats in a royal carriage– something that appears to be more frequent as they get older.
How the royal women honestly sat there in that humidity in the clothes they did, I’ve no idea. I’ve been boiling in a vest top and shorts and they’re out there in these thick and heavy garments? No thanks.
“Whatโ for relentless hot flashes that have left my arse sweating so profusely, it looks like I sat on the Queen Victoria fountain? Whatever, Cam.โ
Though I must say, it was the guys I probably felt the worst for, who lead the parade in the traditional bearskin hatsโ which must have felt like putting their heads in an ovenโ as well as looking generally uncomfortable from how far down it hangs over their eyes.
But once the parade had concluded, it was time for The King and Queen to greet the crowds from the Buckingham Palace balcony.
The rest of the family also filed out and assembled on the royal balcony ahead of the formal flypast– something that is always entertaining for the kids. Although admittedly, not all of them probably feel that way about the day’s events…
“Iโm thinking I hope the monarchy is abolished ASAP so I donโt have to spend decades putting up with this shite.โ
They weren’t on the balcony for very long before the planes came out this time, whereas usually they’re standing there for a bit before the flypast. I can only imagine this was due to the kids being restless in previous times.
But it was a great show as usual, with the weather holding and the flypast being as stunning as ever.
And with that, it was a wrap on TTC for this year!
Order of the Garter
But it was no rest for the wicked and on Monday, the royals were out in full force again for the annual Order of the Garter ceremony in Windsor– where it was yet another carriage ride for the adults on an important royal day.
Honouring those within public service by bestowing royal orders upon them, it is considered an important ceremony within the royal calendar and one that they surely look forward to.
However, it was yet another hot day in England as the family left St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle in their royal garb, no doubt feeling the heat.
“William, I was quite literally sweating like a whore in church.”
Catherine couldn’t resist having a cheeky giggle at William in his garter robes though; either out of endearment or because she thought he looked like a bit of a twat.
“Soph, he looks so ridiculous, I’d be more turned on by the McDonalds uniform right now.”
All in all, a good celebratory day for those who received a royal order from King Charles and one to remember.
Archetypes is cancelled
Yep, it finally happened – Spotify pulled the plug on Harry and Meghan’s podcast Archetypes. The show aired between August and November last year and considering they put fuck all effort into it, it should not come as a shock that it was not renewed for a second season.
The bit that made me laugh was how Harry and Meghan tried to spin it by saying that they had ‘ended their partnership with Spotify’ when in actual fact, it was more like Spotify telling them:
They weren’t exactly making the platform any money and whatever content they did generate was a load of crap anyway. I mean, if the best they could do guest-wise was James Corden, they were buggered from the start.
A representative for Markle went on to say that she was ‘dedicated to creating more audio content and further plans were in the pipeline.’
If they couldn’t produce the content for Spotify of all people, there isn’t a chance in hell they’ll manage it for anyone else. Maybe if they weren’t so busy suing everyone, they might’ve gotten some work done.
“Hmm I dunno; the Daily Mail just incorrectly reported what I eat for breakfast, so I think I’ll focus on a lawsuit there instead.”
To be honest with you, they haven’t delivered on much that they have signed up for, so it’s a wonder anyone is making any deals with them at all.
They also signed up for a four-book deal with Penguin Random House two years ago, but so far, Harry has only managed to fart out one crappy memoir and little else has happened.
“Ohhhh, four BOOKS? I thought you said four PAGES and thought ‘fucking smashed it, mate!’””
But hot on the heels of the news they had been dumped on the scrapheap by the audio giant, Meghan was papped out and about– and given how fucking furious she looked, I’m not sure she was the one who called the paps this time.
Making her way down the street on the phone, trying her best to look important, Meghan fought to avoid locking eyes with the camera (there’s a first time for everything) as she engaged in a crucial phone call.
According to reports, Spotify’s Head of Global Sports Strategy Bill Simmons couldn’t wait to rubbish the pair, branding them ‘grifters’ and ‘fucking lazy’.
Mr. Simmons went on to say:
I wish I had been more involved in the ‘Harry and Meghan leave Spotify’ negotiation. Thereโs a podcast we shouldโve launched with them. I gotta get drunk one night and tell the story of this Zoom I had with Harry to try to help him with a podcast idea. Itโs one of my best stories
Well give the man a whisky and let’s get cracking!
I’m trying to imagine what the topic of a subsequent podcast would’ve been… I’m sure Harry came up with some amazingly original ideas on that call.
“…yeah, this one sounds vaguely familiar, Harry.”
I can imagine Spotify are glad to see the back of them and I can’t blame them. More and more people are opening their eyes to the fact that these two are a pair of chancers who have zero interest in helping anyone else.
Let’s hope for her sake that whatever phone call Meghan was making gives her enough of an angle to save her arse.
Harry’s High Court case
Well if Harry hadn’t pissed Meghan off enough recently just by being alive and not making any money, this ought to have done it.
Yep, gracing British shores with his presence once again, Harry flew over to London to give evidence in court against a hacking claim.
What a shock– Harry in court! I can only imagine the judge’s reaction when he walked in through the door.
So admittedly, just like always, I had no clue what he was suing over: at this stage, I don’t think Harry does either– he just does what his wife tells him to do to pocket some extra cash.
Anyway, apparently Harry was suing over the number of articles that were generated from ‘clearly’ hacking his phone and listening in to his conversations, reading his texts, etc– because Harry holds such riveting talks with his wife, I’m sure.
But despite her annoyance at people realising how truly dull she actually is, it was no match for how pissed off she was when the courts turned their attention toward Harry’s ex, Chelsy Davy.
Considering a large part of the court proceedings was centred around Chelsy, this canโt have been too amusing for Meghanโ less so when it came out that Harryโs only reason for not being with Chelsy now was because she didnโt want him.
โYah basically, Your Honour. Wellโ that and the fact I dressed up as a Nazi and made some mildly racist comments about Africa, but otherwise, I think she just didnโt want to be a Princess.โ
They dug quite deep into Harry and Chelsyโs former romance, with them even quizzing Harry about one occasion where he had allegedly gotten a lap dance at a strip clubโ by a stripper who bore a striking resemblance to Chelsy.
But Harry stuck to his guns and went on to vehemently deny that he had received a lapdance from a โtall, statuesque blondeโ.
Harry also described his disgust and upset over headlines at the time of his split from Chelsy โ whereby he felt the public and media were โcelebratingโ the break up.
Harry also came under fire for allegedly โcavortingโ with a female friend of The Princess of Wales, Astrid Harbord, at Twickenham Stadium during a rugby match in 2009โ to which Harry denied ever being with Astrid.
But giving evidence in court and reliving the traumatic events of several failed relationships proved all too much for the 38-year-old twat Duke, who got quite tearful at the end of Day 2.
Back in California, and no doubt listening in on an earpiece to the court proceedings, Harryโs wife Meghan mustโve been less than impressed.
After hearing that her husband was only really with her because another chick didnโt want him, she canโt have been too empathetic toward him.
The part that made me laugh the hardest was that Harry genuinely seems to believe that these women he dated only walked away because they didnโt want to be royaltyโ rather than accepting they were probably just sick of his shit. ๏ฟผ
I would honestly loved to have been a fly on the wall when Harry returned to California and seen Meghanโs reaction to Harryโs grilling in court over Chelsy.
Or maybe she was just annoyed that Chelsy received the genuine paparazzi harassment that Meghan had so wanted for herself but didnโt get?
In any case, no verdict has been decided on just yet, with the Judge due to deliver this in the autumn; and with Harry asking for nearly half a million in damages because he thinks people give a shit about him and Chelsy having phone sex, the outcome should be very interesting indeed.
Kateโs at Maidenhead Rugby Club / Riversley Park Children’s Centre
Turning our attention to Kate’s (fairly) recent engagements, it was a trip to Maidenhead Rugby Club for her, where she took part in a training session.
Keen to get stuck in, Kate was coached through some rugby drills and put through her paces by the pros.
“You used to play rugby, Your Highness?”
“…No? It’s just how we used to hold George as a baby.”
Joining Shaping Us campaigner and former England rugby professional Ugo Monye, The Princess of Wales took to the pitch to show off her sporty side, but seemingly dissolved any rumours of her usually being incredibly competitive.
“Get the fuck out the way, you old fartโ youโre just bitter youโre losing.โ
Ever the good sport, Catherine took to her athletic duties with much gusto and energy, clearly impressing those around her.
But after exerting themselves on the pitch, the group turned their attention towards an important topic of discussion: early childhood experiences– an area that the Princess has spent the last six or seven years focusing primarily on.
“Absolutely. I got kicked out of my ยฃ40k-a-year boarding school for smoking a cigarette in my dorm and then my parents, by way of punishment, cancelled two of my five credit cards. Kids today don’t know how easy they’ve got it.”
The Princess also discussed fatherhood and the positive impact that local communities can have with various initiatives for children that can shape how they grow– and how parents can contribute.
But pretty soon it was time for Catherine to say goodbye and head home from a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon.
Shortly afterwards, and back in her slightly more glamorous rags, Kate visited Riversley Park Children’s Centre in Nuneaton, to visit field study health visitors.
Out in the sunshine, Kate did her usual rounds of greeting the adoring crowds who gathered outside the centre to see the Princess.
Once inside, Kate met families who were supported by the centre, clearly enjoying interacting with members of the public.
The Princess spoke to young mothers about what they hoped to get out of their healthcare visits after having a baby and learned from the professionals about the rollout of a new healthcare programme.
Catherine even got a chance to bond with a 9-month-old baby, who seemed rather interested in holding onto the royal whenever she could.
And with another day’s work under her belt, it was time for Kate to head off and back to her own children.
Iโm going to leave it there for now because I need to get started on the backlog of other engagements that have happened over the last couple of weeks that Iโm so behind on!
But until next time, have a great week, stay safe, stay sane and Iโll see you soon!
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