Royal Round-Up: 2nd July

Well hello everyone and welcome to another royal round up!

Sorry that it’s been a minute– life as usual has gotten in the way, but with so much going on in royal world, I had to come back and cover things off.

After a nice couple of days break in Belgium, I am now back and ready to go!

I know some of this is super old now but bear with me— it was too good not to cover.

So without further ado..

Trooping the Colour

Starting with the big summer events, it was Trooping The Colour a couple of weeks ago, which is held as the monarch’s official birthday celebration in the UK.

“I mean, I could’ve sworn my birthday was in November, but I’ve been hitting the brandy a little hard lately, so who knows anymore.”

It is a day of pomp and pageantry where the household cavalry and other royal regiments take part in a large parade and procession down The Mall and over to Buckingham Palace, with the family being led in by carriage.

The first carriage of course contained The Queen Consort Camilla, alongside The Princess of Wales, Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis, who appeared to be enjoying the festivities.

“Christ, which one of you let one go? Please tell me that was a horse or is mum doing that kale diet again?”

The procession, which travels down through Horseguards Parade, was one of the many times now we have seen the Wales children take their seats in a royal carriage– something that appears to be more frequent as they get older.

“Come on kids, smile and wave, it isn’t hard.”
“…Not like that Louis– you look like you’ve got chronic indigestion.”

How the royal women honestly sat there in that humidity in the clothes they did, I’ve no idea. I’ve been boiling in a vest top and shorts and they’re out there in these thick and heavy garments? No thanks.

“Lovely day for it, isn’t it Catherine?”

“What— for relentless hot flashes that have left my arse sweating so profusely, it looks like I sat on the Queen Victoria fountain? Whatever, Cam.”

Though I must say, it was the guys I probably felt the worst for, who lead the parade in the traditional bearskin hats— which must have felt like putting their heads in an oven— as well as looking generally uncomfortable from how far down it hangs over their eyes.

“Oi, none of you have seen my dad, have ya? Because Lord knows I fucking can’t.”

But once the parade had concluded, it was time for The King and Queen to greet the crowds from the Buckingham Palace balcony.

“Bloody hell Charles, all we ever do is stand on this sodding balcony. Might as well just leave us out here permanently.”

The rest of the family also filed out and assembled on the royal balcony ahead of the formal flypast– something that is always entertaining for the kids. Although admittedly, not all of them probably feel that way about the day’s events…

“George— what are you thinking about?”

“I’m thinking I hope the monarchy is abolished ASAP so I don’t have to spend decades putting up with this shite.”

They weren’t on the balcony for very long before the planes came out this time, whereas usually they’re standing there for a bit before the flypast. I can only imagine this was due to the kids being restless in previous times.

“Fuck yeah, bring on dem jets boiiii!
“Louis, you’re a Prince, not Ali G — shut up and face the front.”

But it was a great show as usual, with the weather holding and the flypast being as stunning as ever.

“Come on Louis, get inside if you want any chance of having lunch– your grandfather’s already clearing out the samosa table and I’m not being left with your mum’s dodgy homemade casserole again.”

And with that, it was a wrap on TTC for this year!

Order of the Garter

But it was no rest for the wicked and on Monday, the royals were out in full force again for the annual Order of the Garter ceremony in Windsor– where it was yet another carriage ride for the adults on an important royal day.

“I’m telling you, we’re abolishing half this shit when we’re King and Queen. Sick of looking like a prick in a daft hat for pointless ceremonies.”

Honouring those within public service by bestowing royal orders upon them, it is considered an important ceremony within the royal calendar and one that they surely look forward to.

“Thank fuck that’s over with. Right– over to The Rose and Crown for a quick pint and a roast? We can’t stay too long though— the nanny’s in Spain so we’ve left Harry babysitting the kids over FaceTime.”

However, it was yet another hot day in England as the family left St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle in their royal garb, no doubt feeling the heat.

“Bit warm in there, wasn’t it, babes?

“William, I was quite literally sweating like a whore in church.”

Catherine couldn’t resist having a cheeky giggle at William in his garter robes though; either out of endearment or because she thought he looked like a bit of a twat.

“Ooh, gotta love a man in uniform, eh Kate?”

“Soph, he looks so ridiculous, I’d be more turned on by the McDonalds uniform right now.”

All in all, a good celebratory day for those who received a royal order from King Charles and one to remember.

“I’m hoping to drink enough gin to not remember it.”

Archetypes is cancelled

Ooh, I’ll bet Meghan is bloody furious

Yep, it finally happened – Spotify pulled the plug on Harry and Meghan’s podcast Archetypes. The show aired between August and November last year and considering they put fuck all effort into it, it should not come as a shock that it was not renewed for a second season.

“I cannot believe this, yah; we did two 10-minute episodes in three months and they have the audacity to cancel us?!”

The bit that made me laugh was how Harry and Meghan tried to spin it by saying that they had ‘ended their partnership with Spotify’ when in actual fact, it was more like Spotify telling them:

They weren’t exactly making the platform any money and whatever content they did generate was a load of crap anyway. I mean, if the best they could do guest-wise was James Corden, they were buggered from the start.

A representative for Markle went on to say that she was ‘dedicated to creating more audio content and further plans were in the pipeline.’

Haven’t we suffered enough?

If they couldn’t produce the content for Spotify of all people, there isn’t a chance in hell they’ll manage it for anyone else. Maybe if they weren’t so busy suing everyone, they might’ve gotten some work done.

“So what do you think Meghan, babes? Shall we work on the podcast today?”

“Hmm I dunno; the Daily Mail just incorrectly reported what I eat for breakfast, so I think I’ll focus on a lawsuit there instead.”

To be honest with you, they haven’t delivered on much that they have signed up for, so it’s a wonder anyone is making any deals with them at all.

They also signed up for a four-book deal with Penguin Random House two years ago, but so far, Harry has only managed to fart out one crappy memoir and little else has happened.

“Harry babes, they said they wanted four books in the contract.”

“Ohhhh, four BOOKS? I thought you said four PAGES and thought ‘fucking smashed it, mate!’””

But hot on the heels of the news they had been dumped on the scrapheap by the audio giant, Meghan was papped out and about– and given how fucking furious she looked, I’m not sure she was the one who called the paps this time.

“Sure— you don’t come when I call you to say I’m doing something fascinating like walking out of a restaurant, but you show up when I’ve been fired by Spotify, am still in last night’s make up and haven’t had my monthly Botox touch up.”

Making her way down the street on the phone, trying her best to look important, Meghan fought to avoid locking eyes with the camera (there’s a first time for everything) as she engaged in a crucial phone call.

“So Netflix are dropping us too and they’re replacing us with a documentary on a more prominent royal? Like who?… Which one is ‘Prince William’ again– the bald one or the other bald one?

According to reports, Spotify’s Head of Global Sports Strategy Bill Simmons couldn’t wait to rubbish the pair, branding them ‘grifters’ and ‘fucking lazy’.

Yeah, except I’ve been saying that for bloody ages, Bill you’re a little slow, love

Mr. Simmons went on to say:

I wish I had been more involved in the ‘Harry and Meghan leave Spotify’ negotiation. There’s a podcast we should’ve launched with them. I gotta get drunk one night and tell the story of this Zoom I had with Harry to try to help him with a podcast idea. It’s one of my best stories

Well give the man a whisky and let’s get cracking!

I’m trying to imagine what the topic of a subsequent podcast would’ve been… I’m sure Harry came up with some amazingly original ideas on that call.

“And then… I can talk about how controlling my family are and how much psychological damage they’ve done to me by bringing me up within immense wealth and privilege. It’ll be amazing!”

“…yeah, this one sounds vaguely familiar, Harry.”

I can imagine Spotify are glad to see the back of them and I can’t blame them. More and more people are opening their eyes to the fact that these two are a pair of chancers who have zero interest in helping anyone else.

Let’s hope for her sake that whatever phone call Meghan was making gives her enough of an angle to save her arse.

“Right, we need fresh material; I’ll just glance through my old emails from Prince Philip– there’s gotta be something vaguely racist in there that we can dine out on for another year.”

Harry’s High Court case

Well if Harry hadn’t pissed Meghan off enough recently just by being alive and not making any money, this ought to have done it.

Yep, gracing British shores with his presence once again, Harry flew over to London to give evidence in court against a hacking claim.

What a shock– Harry in court! I can only imagine the judge’s reaction when he walked in through the door.

So admittedly, just like always, I had no clue what he was suing over: at this stage, I don’t think Harry does either– he just does what his wife tells him to do to pocket some extra cash.

Anyway, apparently Harry was suing over the number of articles that were generated from ‘clearly’ hacking his phone and listening in to his conversations, reading his texts, etc– because Harry holds such riveting talks with his wife, I’m sure.

“How’s it going Meghan, babes? I’ll grab some fish and chips on the way home, yah?”
“Nah, not feelin’ it babes. Just pick up a microwave meal– by the way, the pipe under the sink is leaking again and I clogged the toilet earlier. Hurry back?”

But despite her annoyance at people realising how truly dull she actually is, it was no match for how pissed off she was when the courts turned their attention toward Harry’s ex, Chelsy Davy.

“I graft and I hustle to get that tiara and they’re still bringing up some thot you went out with 15 years ago!?”

Considering a large part of the court proceedings was centred around Chelsy, this can’t have been too amusing for Meghan— less so when it came out that Harry’s only reason for not being with Chelsy now was because she didn’t want him.

“So Harry— are you saying that the only reason you and Chelsy broke up was because she didn’t want the royal life?”

“Yah basically, Your Honour. Well— that and the fact I dressed up as a Nazi and made some mildly racist comments about Africa, but otherwise, I think she just didn’t want to be a Princess.”

They dug quite deep into Harry and Chelsy’s former romance, with them even quizzing Harry about one occasion where he had allegedly gotten a lap dance at a strip club— by a stripper who bore a striking resemblance to Chelsy.

“Listen, I don’t know about all of that, yah; I was so coked up in those days, I could’ve gotten a lap dance from Boris Johnson and I wouldn’t remember it.”

But Harry stuck to his guns and went on to vehemently deny that he had received a lapdance from a “tall, statuesque blonde”.

“It is absolute bullshit what the papers will lie about now— she was a short, squat brunette.”

Harry also described his disgust and upset over headlines at the time of his split from Chelsy — whereby he felt the public and media were “celebrating” the break up.

Baby, it ain’t nothin’ compared to the celebrations you’ll see once you split with the other one— I’m already putting in an application for a street party

Harry also came under fire for allegedly “cavorting” with a female friend of The Princess of Wales, Astrid Harbord, at Twickenham Stadium during a rugby match in 2009– to which Harry denied ever being with Astrid.

“Listen, Astrid and I were never involved romantically, yah— I mean, I shagged her a couple of times, but that’s not the same thing.”

But giving evidence in court and reliving the traumatic events of several failed relationships proved all too much for the 38-year-old twat Duke, who got quite tearful at the end of Day 2.

“Sorry about this yah— it’s just tough hearing how my own consistent fuck-ups got me stuck with a money-grabbing, camera-loving shrew.”

Back in California, and no doubt listening in on an earpiece to the court proceedings, Harry’s wife Meghan must’ve been less than impressed.

After hearing that her husband was only really with her because another chick didn’t want him, she can’t have been too empathetic toward him.

“Why don’t you get your arse back here and I’ll give you something to really cry about, you half-bald fucker.”

The part that made me laugh the hardest was that Harry genuinely seems to believe that these women he dated only walked away because they didn’t want to be royalty— rather than accepting they were probably just sick of his shit. 

“I mean yeah, I was a petulant man-child who threw tantrums, took too many drugs, punched the paparazzi and screwed anything with a pulse— but they just didn’t like the royal way of life. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it wear the tiara, y’know?”

I would honestly loved to have been a fly on the wall when Harry returned to California and seen Meghan’s reaction to Harry’s grilling in court over Chelsy.

Or maybe she was just annoyed that Chelsy received the genuine paparazzi harassment that Meghan had so wanted for herself but didn’t get?

“Meghan, I’m home; listen, I’m really sorry about all that Chelsy shit, yah— ancient history and the only woman I love is you, I swear.”
“Who gives a flying fuck which one of us you love— do you mean to tell me that you had paparazzi follow you and Chelsy on holiday to Mozambique, but I couldn’t even get them to follow me to Walmart?!”

In any case, no verdict has been decided on just yet, with the Judge due to deliver this in the autumn; and with Harry asking for nearly half a million in damages because he thinks people give a shit about him and Chelsy having phone sex, the outcome should be very interesting indeed.

Kate’s at Maidenhead Rugby Club / Riversley Park Children’s Centre

Turning our attention to Kate’s (fairly) recent engagements, it was a trip to Maidenhead Rugby Club for her, where she took part in a training session.

“First things first– the bar is that way, right?”

Keen to get stuck in, Kate was coached through some rugby drills and put through her paces by the pros.

“So Your Royal Highness– we’re just going to show you how to correctly hold a rugby ball….”
“Oh yah, it’s call coming back to me now.”

“You used to play rugby, Your Highness?”

“…No? It’s just how we used to hold George as a baby.”

Joining Shaping Us campaigner and former England rugby professional Ugo Monye, The Princess of Wales took to the pitch to show off her sporty side, but seemingly dissolved any rumours of her usually being incredibly competitive.

“Your Royal Highness, please, it’s just a training session.”

Get the fuck out the way, you old fart— you’re just bitter you’re losing.”

Ever the good sport, Catherine took to her athletic duties with much gusto and energy, clearly impressing those around her.

Apart from this dude behind her, who after being elbowed out of the way earlier in the session, was not planning on telling the future Queen that there was a large rugby ball sailing towards her noggin

But after exerting themselves on the pitch, the group turned their attention towards an important topic of discussion: early childhood experiences– an area that the Princess has spent the last six or seven years focusing primarily on.

“I mean, you must have faced some hardships in your life too, Catherine?”

“Absolutely. I got kicked out of my £40k-a-year boarding school for smoking a cigarette in my dorm and then my parents, by way of punishment, cancelled two of my five credit cards. Kids today don’t know how easy they’ve got it.”

The Princess also discussed fatherhood and the positive impact that local communities can have with various initiatives for children that can shape how they grow– and how parents can contribute.

“Honestly, William is just the most tremendous father. When the kids are sick, the dedication he shows to getting up in the middle of the night to wake the nanny is beyond admirable.”

But pretty soon it was time for Catherine to say goodbye and head home from a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon.

“Just twenty more seconds, Hilda– the cameras are still on us and the media loves when I hug a peasant.”

Shortly afterwards, and back in her slightly more glamorous rags, Kate visited Riversley Park Children’s Centre in Nuneaton, to visit field study health visitors.

Yes hello, thank you for the warm welcome; sorry I’m late– I just really didn’t want to come here.”

Out in the sunshine, Kate did her usual rounds of greeting the adoring crowds who gathered outside the centre to see the Princess.

“What you do you mean you ‘have no idea who the fuck I am’? Everyone knows me. Before this morning, I hadn’t even heard of Nuneaton, you cheeky little sod.”

Once inside, Kate met families who were supported by the centre, clearly enjoying interacting with members of the public.

“Does your mummy always take this much Prozac before meeting royalty?”

The Princess spoke to young mothers about what they hoped to get out of their healthcare visits after having a baby and learned from the professionals about the rollout of a new healthcare programme.

“I can totally relate to your healthcare visit experience; when I had George, we had four of the Queen’s doctors come to the palace, a masseuse, bubble bath and a sushi dinner on standby for me and the Prime Minister popped in to say hello too. I felt so supported… Oh, that didn’t happen for you?”

Catherine even got a chance to bond with a 9-month-old baby, who seemed rather interested in holding onto the royal whenever she could.

“Yes, very sweet — would be sweeter if you weren’t mushing bits of soggy biscuit into my hand.”

And with another day’s work under her belt, it was time for Kate to head off and back to her own children.

I’d absolutely love to stay, but I’ve got to get back to the pub– I mean– the kids.”

I’m going to leave it there for now because I need to get started on the backlog of other engagements that have happened over the last couple of weeks that I’m so behind on!

But until next time, have a great week, stay safe, stay sane and I’ll see you soon!

14 responses to “Royal Round-Up: 2nd July”

  1. Kit Kat 😺🐱‍👤🐾🐈 avatar
    Kit Kat 😺🐱‍👤🐾🐈

    How do you think up the words to go under the pictures? It never ceases to make me giggle!

    1. Oh Kat, sometimes it’s a total struggle, trust me! I rewrote this one about 3 times! Thank you love! Xx

      1. Suzy Christopher avatar
        Suzy Christopher

        Whenever I see you post it’s like Christmas! Will you please talk about the nyc car chase next time?

      2. I’ve had a couple of requests like this, so I think I’ll need to revisit it in the next one! Thank you love ❤️

  2. Thanks so much for making me laugh so much

    1. Thank you so much for reading, love! ❤️

  3. Thank you for cheering me up today xx

    1. You’re so welcome my love! Hope you’re ok? ❤️

  4. I was at work when I saw you posted and I too was do happy! I had something to look forward to after 12 hour nursing shift. Thank you Saffy!

    1. Oh bless you! I’m so glad and hope you enjoyed the read, my lovely ❤️

  5. Julie Adams Boyd avatar
    Julie Adams Boyd

    Brilliant as always! Thank you!

    1. Thank you lovely! ❤️

  6. Thank you for this-I’ve saved it all day for a good giggle!

    1. Hope you enjoyed it, my love! Thank you! ❤️

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