Royal round up: 23rd April

Well hello everyone, Happy Sunday and Happy St. George’s Day!

Firstly, I’m sorry for the super long hiatus; work and life has been busy, and while I’ve been desperate to get back to the blog, it just hasn’t been possible for the last couple of months.

But I’m back now and keen to get stuck in! While I’ve had to let some of the much older items go (because they’re so old now they may as well have occurred in the 1800s), I will pick up on the newer (and ones that were too big to ignore).

So firstly…

Harry will attend the King’s Coronation

Yep… just when it almost looked like we were going to avoid having any of the Sussexes there at all, Harry has ‘taken one for the team’ and decided to attend his dad’s Coronation alone.

I must say, I’m fairly surprised at the fact Meghan didn’t jump at the chance of spending an entire day in front of the cameras at Westminster Abbey… maybe she watched footage back of The Queen’s funeral last year and realised the cameras barely skimmed over her, so couldn’t be arsed.

“Fly 11 hours with two screaming kids for them to do one shot of the back of my head with my extension tracks showing and not even capture my fake emotional face? Fuck that. You’re going alone, Haz.”

It has been said that instead, Harry will make a very brief visit for the day’s events, flying straight back to California for Archie’s birthday, which is on the same day.

I’m not really sure how one flies from the West Coast of the USA to London and back again in one day… A half an hour commute each way to work practically kills me. I can only assume this was Meghan’s idea?

“But Meghan yah, how the fuck am I supposed to fly 22 hours in one day? Can’t I just stay an extra night in England and fly back the next day?”
“I don’t give a shit if you have to charter a spaceship– it’s your son’s birthday. You will do it all in 24 hours– no arguments.”

It also took the Sussexes an inordinate amount of time to even respond to the invite, as though the Coronation plans hinged on them alone and that anyone actually gave a flying one whether they were going to attend or not.

“No, one will not discuss the menu options for the Coronation lunch– we are still waiting for Harry and Meghan to let us know if they’re coming or not before we can choose between the smoked salmon or fried squid.”

Also, it has been said that Harry and Meghan were furious their kids were not asked to play a part in the Coronation ceremony itself…. which is weird, considering they didn’t confirm attendance until about ten minutes ago.

With Prince George of Wales set to have a starring role in his grandfather’s big day, Meghan and Harry were livid that Archie and Lili were relegated to being background players with zero responsibilities (which perfectly sums up Harry and Meghan’s roles within the BRF, to be honest).

“Better luck next time, Meg. Maybe your kids can pick up bits of crushed scone from the carpet once the lunch is over? Mine will be in the big golden carriage.”

However, I strongly suspect the real reason Meghan is not attending is because she knows she will be facing a barrage of scrutiny from both media and public.

Let’s face it, her appearance at The Queen’s funeral was hardly well received after she spent years causing stress towards the late monarch and in the lead-up to her death– but then had the audacity to try and look sad on the day.

“Isn’t it just wonderful being back amongst the adoring public, H?”

“Shit Meghan– DUCK! Box of eggs at ten o’ clock flying towards your head!”

I don’t think I’m alone in saying I’m glad Meghan and the kids aren’t going to be here. They’d only try and turn it into the Sussex show and as much as I dislike Harry, we know that he on his own won’t do that at least. He’ll keep his head down and then thankfully fuck off back to Cali a few hours later.

“For real– only after I’ve hit up The Crown & Anchor for a few pints and stolen a traffic cone.”

As she’s fairly predictable, I’m willing to bet Meghan will release a photo of Archie on the day of the Coronation to mark his birthday– but that can’t be worse than the other thing that occurred recently…

Archie and Lili become Prince and Princess

Charles, mate…

Out of all the things I saw coming, this wasn’t one of them– especially since The King had said previously that he wanted a slimmed down monarchy, so I fail to see how he’s achieving that by giving two random kids who don’t even live here some royal titles.

Now of course, the Sussex supporters came out of the woodwork to say that ‘the kids SHOULD be given the titles’ as they ‘now eligible for them’.

I mean… I’m fairly certain I’m eligible for a tax rebate, but does that mean I’m gonna get it? Probably not.

As expected, Meghan practically wet her knickers in excitement and together with Harry, they put out a statement almost immediately, basically gloating that their kids finally got the titles ThEy So DeSeRvEd, like one of them had just won an Oscar or something.

The speed in which that ‘statement’ came out after Buckingham Palace updated the official website can only mean that Meghan had this sat in her email drafts since about 3 minutes after Lili’s umbilical cord was cut.

“Harry QUICK, she’s halfway out– grab my MacBook and I’ll start writing the acceptance speech for when she’s made a Princess!”

I didn’t actually bother thoroughly reading what they put out in the public domain– because at a brief glance, it really was some nauseating shit– but I think I can hazard a guess at the general theme… yet another lengthy passage from Markle, turning it into a story about herself.

“It just goes to show how much hard work pays off… The lengths I went to in order to be set up with Lili’s father, even when he seemed disinterested and I had to spent three nights in the cold hiding in the bushes outside Kensington Palace to make sure he wasn’t banging some other slut behind my back… And then even when he dumped me so I flew to Jamaica and crashed his friend’s wedding so I could confront him… The years I spent fighting with Harry’s family and calling them all prejudiced… It was all worth it for this moment to finally call my kids ‘Prince and Princess’.”

I can only imagine how irritated William and Catherine must have been at this news: learning that Meghan finally gotten what she wanted all along must have been infuriating.

“Sorry Charles– but just what the fuck are you playing at? My kids were the only ones due to get titles. Now how are they going to taunt Archie and Lili at family events?”
“Why don’t you cool it Kate, yah? You’re still going to be Queen Consort after I cark it anyway. Now refill your Vicodin prescription and let me get on with the arduous task of waving and smiling.”

One thing that did make me laugh was how excited Sussex fans were about this– after they’d spent the last few years talking about how Harry and Meghan were ‘strong and independent’ and didn’t need shit from the British royal family… y’know, apart from the status, money, titles and platform… they were now out in force to celebrate.

Well, we can at least live in hope that they’ll be stripped of them once William becomes King and changes the letters privy to ensure that all four Sussex family members are left with nothing.

“Have you seen today’s papers, Meghan yah? What the fuck do they mean William has rendered me simply ‘Harold Windsor’?!”

“Ah, well… that’s ok, babes– I’ve had the divorce lawyer on speed dial for a while now anyway. Still– we had a good run, eh?”

And now time for the standard palette cleanser…

Easter Sunday with the Royals

As is tradition, the Royal Family turned out in full force on Easter Sunday, heading over in the sunshine to St. George’s Chapel on the grounds of Windsor Castle for the usual Easter service.

“Isn’t this nice, Louis? Holding mummy’s hand and out on a beautiful Sunday!”

“Would be better if you didn’t keep putting me in these ridiculous shorts where I can practically feel the wedgie in my throat, but ok.”

The family were led by The King and Queen Consort into the chapel, whereby all parties looked to be in good spirits.

“Yes, good morning peasants– your King has arrived. We’ll be out shortly to chuck a few five pence pieces and a half-melted Easter egg at you in the name of Maundy Monday.”

The first Easter ceremony since Queen Elizabeth died, and the first with Charles as King, it was nice to see the family out– in particular the Wales kids, who seem to be getting more and more used to being in front of the cameras.

“Who the fuck is this idiot with a lens pointed in my face?”

“Louis, it’s just the media, come on.”

“Nah, come back here mate, I’ll fucking deck ya!”

Perhaps Charlotte was having an easier time adjusting to growing up in the public eye?

“Come along now poppet– the car is waiting.”

“You better have Paw Patrol loaded on the iPad and a chilled chocolate milkshake in the cupholder. I’ve had enough of today.”

All in all, a nice Easter Sunday for the family and I’m sure the Wales family had a great time.

“Shit– George, grab Charlotte will you, she’s wandering off into someone else’s car. And William, get a bloody hold of Louis– he’s halfway to China. You know I can’t run in these stilettos.”
“This is chaos– I knew we should’ve brought the nanny and a flask of vodka.”

William and Kate in Birmingham

Continuing with the palette cleanser, last week, The Prince and Princess of Wales returned to official engagements following the Easter break with their kids, where they ventured over to the city of Birmingham for the day.

“I mean, I have absolutely nothing against Birmingham and it’s great to be here, but would it kill the palace to send us to somewhere like Venice or St. Tropez once in a while?”

The couple travelled in to Birmingham by train from Windsor, there for the day to celebrate the city’s culture and find out more about the city.

“Christ, after two and a half hours in from Berkshire having some little brat scream and kick my seat the whole way, I do hope you’re going to offer us a beverage a bit stronger than tea.”

The couple visited an Indian restaurant as one of their first stops, named Indian Streatery, where they got to work immediately– with William particularly keen to answer the phones.

With a call coming through to make a booking, and an unsuspecting customer on the other end who had no idea they were speaking to the future King, Prince William stepped in to ensure they got a table.

“Morning pal, you’re through to Big Willy’s Royal Rotis, take it you’re after a table for two, yah?”

However, The Prince of Wales was having a bit of an issue with securing seating during a particularly busy period in the restaurant, so had to resort to trying to cram them wherever he could.

“You’ve got a train at 3pm? Ok, well we could fit you in at 2:45pm?… What do you mean you ‘can’t eat a three course meal in 15 minutes‘? We got here last night and saw a shitfaced 19-year-old in the city centre eat a whole kebab in thirty seconds.”

Eventually managing to sort the booking, William gave the address to the customer– but unfortunately, it was the wrong one. Mangling the street name, William turned to staff after getting off the phone and apologised for ‘probably sending the customer to the wrong address.”

“Well it’s an easy mistake to make, yah. Bennett’s Hill, Bonquisha Hill… it all sounds remarkably similar. Anyway, it looks like I sent him to a Porsche dealership by mistake, so let’s hope a staff member there brought in poppadoms for lunch that they’re willing to share.”

But after simply discussing food, it was now time for the royal pair to try their hand at actually making some– which came in the form of frying rotis.

“Now listen, I don’t mean to brag yah, but I make a mean roti. Kate’s is rather shit though and tastes a bit like if you ate a cigarette.”

The Prince and Princess also discussed their love of curries– talking about how they ‘secretly try out’ many curry houses around the country.

But while Kate admitted she liked it ‘the spicier the better’, William announced that he prefers his ‘much milder’ as he is not a fan of spicy foods.

“Bloody hell mate– the last time Catherine made a Vindaloo, I was on the toilet shitting out stomach lining for five days. Never again.”

When asked if their children also enjoyed Indian food, Kate told the restaurant staff “absolutely, they love it.”

“Well, they don’t actually care for it that much; George can’t even handle black pepper and Louis won’t touch anything unless it’s bought at a drive-thru, but I can’t very well come here and tell you that, can I?”

But on to the roti making, and in true royal engagement style, it was a competition between William and Catherine to see who made the best Indian flatbread.

“I can’t believe that bastard said my roti was crap. He couldn’t tell a roti from a pepperoni pizza, that one.”

Elsewhere, William was also getting stuck in– desperate to beat his wife in the competition.

“What? Who cares what my favourite curry is– hand me that fucking rolling pin, yah– we’re losing precious time here.”

But where food is usually discussed, so is drink– and the couple were only too happy to engage in discussion regarding their favourite alcoholic beverages.

While they have only ever really been spotted having the odd pint or glass of wine, it does appear that the future King and Queen Consort are partial to some slightly stronger drinks also…

“So I call it The House of Three Sheets to the Wind-sor because it WILL get you battered, but what it is usually is gin, rum, brandy, a bit of beer and half a bottle of vodka. Oh, and with a splash of soda water. Kate and I get absolutely paralytic off that stuff once the kids are in bed.”

Real talk though, William’s favourite tipple is vodka, along with enjoying a Kamikaze cocktail too, which he referred to as the ‘silent but deadly’.

“Yes, a bit like one of William’s farts after a night of drinking that stuff.”

But Catherine, on the other hand, has said that she ‘quite likes tequila’, which may have surprised many royal fans who believed her favourite drink was white wine.

“Tequila… in a margarita? No no, dear– I usually just stick an extra long straw straight into the bottle after a long day. Don’t worry– I do pop a wedge of lime into it as well for effect.”

Afterwards, it was time for a shot at darts, where the pair happily got stuck into the game, letting their competitive streaks show once again.

“This is really quaint, but I thought the palace courtiers told you to put a photo of Meghan on the dart board beforehand?”
“Don’t worry Kate babes– I packed one of their official wedding photographs. Might be the first time you ever hit a bullseye.”

The game, which was actually interactive darts, gave William and Kate a chance to mingle with other guests in the 180 Club downstairs to the restaurant.

“Fuck YES! I got her straight on the nose!…”
“…Now let’s see if I can one of her veneers…”

But it really does look like the Prince and Princess had a fun time in Birmingham and getting to meet the crowds and other locals. I’m sure they’ll be back again soon.

“Yes, very good fun yah. Next time let’s think up another game to play, like ‘pin the tail on the donkey’, where we can dress Meghan up as Eeyore, or even stuff Harry as a piñata? The palace will be in touch with some ideas.”

Well that’s it for now! There are more engagements coming this week now that the Wales’ have returned to public duties, so let’s wait and see what one brings.

Until then, have a great week, stay out of trouble and I’ll see you next time!

And Happy Birthday to Prince Louis, who turns 5 today ♥

18 responses to “Royal round up: 23rd April”

  1. Great to see you back. Missed your sarcasm, lol

    1. Thank you my love! Great to be back! ❤️

  2. Glad you are back! I have really missed you!

    1. Thank you my darling! Missed you all too! ❤️

  3. Glad to have you back! Thr BEF must be breathing a sigh of relief that She who must not be named is staying in Cali!

  4. Yaay Saffy! It’s good to have you back with us again. I hope it’s not been all work and no play during your hiatus. Please tell me you’re going to be covering the coronation along with any and all shenanigans Harold’s wife is likely to get up to on the day. 😉💕

  5. Your posts are well worth waiting for. I start smiling when I read my email notification. Thank you for taking the time to share your wit and humor. Now, if it would get you a decent income…

  6. You have been greatly missed. Welcome back XX

  7. So glad you’re back, although the Duchess of Montishitshow might not be too thrilled! 😂

    1. Hahaha I hope she isn’t! Thank you love! ♥️

  8. I’m a little late to it, but you sure made my Monday morning start out well!

  9. First time here. Loved it, laughed out loud several times. You’re a great writer and your sarcasm is deliciously hilarious!

  10. Hi! I love your blog, but I wanted to gently correct you that it’s palate cleanser, not palette.

    As usual though, great post with top-tier captions for the photos 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼

    1. Thank you my lovely! ❤️

  11. I’m so happy to finally find you!
    Absolutely the best☺️

    1. Thank you my love! ❤️

  12. Deborah Ashworth avatar
    Deborah Ashworth

    I adore your commentary; one of my fellow “sinner ” friends on SSM reddit recommended you.
    You’ve got the best snark going!
    I cannot wait til the next one- wish you all the best.🤗

    1. Thank you so very much my love! So glad you’re enjoying it – hoping to post more often now! Best wishes to you too xx

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