Royal round Up: 27th February

Hello everyone and happy Monday! (If there ever was one.)

Hope you’re all having a good start to the week! I just had a long weekend in lovely Prague and have come back feeling pretty refreshed, which is always nice.

Gorgeous views from Prague Castle

There have been more shenanigans in royal world this week, and as one or two of you mentioned I forgot to cover off the South Park parody of Harry and Meghan last week!

But before I get to that, let’s start on a good note and kick off wiiiiith….

William and Kate at the BAFTAs & Rugby

Yep, on Sunday 19th February, The Prince and Princess of Wales attended the 2023 BAFTA Award ceremony here in London, due to Prince William’s longtime role as President of BAFTA.

“Ok enough of the cinematic vocabulary, I’ve got no bloody idea what a President of BAFTA is, yah– I just turn up in a tux once a year and get drunk with Kate amongst a bunch of A-listers.”

The royal couple looked gorgeous as they showed up on the red carpet, with Catherine re-wearing her 2019 BAFTA dress with just a few alterations…

“Babes, I’m so glad you were happy to recycle that white dress. So eco-friendly of you.”

“Am I fuck. Some cheap gloves from Amazon and a sash made out of toilet paper hanging off my shoulder? I thought I was meant to be a bloody Princess?”

As per normal, The Prince and Princess did a ‘meet and greet’ with a number of celebrities, getting to discuss their achievements in cinema over the last year and any possible nominations.

“We certainly hope you enjoyed our film, Your Royal Highnesses?”

“Yes, absolutely… ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, wasn’t it?”

Perhaps William had more luck with the other celebs?

“Ahhh I knew it was you! That old codger with the cat from Harry Potter!”

Either way, I can only imagine what Meghan was thinking in California. Silent for the last three months as she hides away in her Montecito mansion while Kate and William rub shoulders with celebrities, she must have been bloody fuming.

“I don’t wanna get into a fight about it babe, I’m just saying, if you had made more of an effort to be born first, you’d be the President of BAFTA right now and I’d be at an A-list party in London, licking Tom Hiddleston’s face or something.”

Following the meet and greet session, William and Kate took their seats in the crowd, ready for the ceremony to start.

“Isn’t this venue stunning, Kate babes? The glamour, the dazzle…”

“There’s a loose lighting rig up there that’s looking likely to put me out of my misery halfway through the show.”

But once the show is over, it’s less ‘party time’ for the royals and more time to ‘get in the car and go home’– much to the disappointment of some, I’m sure.

“Alright Kate, home time.”

“Speak for yourself, Wills– I’m off to find the bar and Austin Butler.”

But the couple’s joint engagements didn’t stop there; the two also attended the Six Nations rugby game between England and Wales over the weekend, a sport which they have both previously admitted to genuinely enjoying.

“Well, William enjoys it as a sport– I enjoy the muscly men running around in tiny shorts.”

Visiting the Principality Stadium in Cardiff for the game, the pair were all smiles in their roles as rugby patrons, ready to watch the two UK teams battle it out.

“Corrr Kate– check out that Guinness ad on the screen. I could murder one.”

“Mmm… Throw in four tequila shots and I’m there, baby.”

William and Catherine also had the chance to meet injured rugby players, who are supported by the Welsh Charitable Trust, where William chatted away animatedly.

“Yes, I know a thing or two about rugby injuries.. Harry left out some crucial details when talking about our fight, but I did in fact lamp him on the side of the head with a rugby ball Johnny Wilkinson had signed for us. Caught him right here– nearly took his eye out.”
“Ok, shut up now babes– our lawyers are already having a tough enough time proving you’re not violent after Spare— stop adding fuel to the fire.”
“Come on, it’s a bit of banter, yah– why don’t you tell them about the time you hit Meghan with a tennis racket?”

The pair even got the chance to unveil a plaque in front of the Welsh Rugby Charitable Trust as part of their visit.

“Well, Kate and I were rather hoping it would be an image of us as we are the Prince and Princess of Wales after all, but feel free to go with whatever the fuck this is.”

There was also a visit to a post-match locker room, whereby the royal couple got to meet the players from the teams and congratulate them on a well-played game.

“I’m honestly so thrilled to be here today. It’s such an honour.”

“At the game, Your Highness?”

“No..? The changing room.”

It appears the pair got on really well with the players as they laughed and joked away about the match.

“I’m just saying, if you ever need a physio for your legs, arms– or anywhere else, quite frankly– I’m very happy to dump the kids on the nanny and head on over.”
“Is she a bit sloshed, Wills?”

“I’m really sorry about this mate– I’m taking her home right now, I swear.”

With England just cinching a victory over Wales, it seems the happier one with the result was probably Kate, who clearly thoroughly enjoyed the game.

“I can’t believe that twat asked if I was drunk; I mean, no fucking beer for a match this long? Tell them to bring down two Amstels in the next five minutes or I’m quitting as patron.”

Well done to England on their win!

Harry and Meghan on South Park

Right, now I know a few of you asked me to cover this because, well, how could you not?

Yes, if you thought I was a savage when it came to Harry and Meghan, the creators of South Park tried their utmost to rival the snark in their portrayal of the Gruesome Twosome and their request for ‘privacy’.

A pretty good likeness, I must say. They’ve captured Harry’s gormless expression wonderfully.

Obviously taking the piss out of Harry and Meghan, South Park called the segment the “Worldwide Privacy Tour”, showing an ‘unnamed pair of losers “Prince and Princess”‘ holding placards as they appear on a talk show, to discuss how they just want to be left alone.

It would be brilliant if those lines actually existed across their mouths; might stop us having to hear them speak.

The episode sees Harry promote his autobiography entitled “Waaaagh”, where he bitches and moans about his life, despite it being one of luxury and privilege. Harry is described as ‘Royal prince, millionaire, world traveler, victim’, while Meghan gets the lovely tagline of ‘Sorority girl, actress, influencer, and victim’.

Now come on, that’s a bit unfair… I wouldn’t exactly call her an ‘actress’ or an ‘influencer’

Of course, Sussex fans everywhere had yet another little cry, clearly gob-smacked that yet more people are astute enough to see through Harry and Meghan’s bullshit, yet alone call them out on it.

They quickly took to Twitter to start retweeting an old skit where South Park apparently made fun of Prince William– although what point they were trying to prove, I don’t know.

But the people who were most upset about this, perhaps, were none other than Harry and Meghan themselves, who were ‘devastated’ by their accurate portrayal on the show.

“They didn’t even put my animation in one of my best outfits… just that shitty one from Trooping The Colour five years ago.”

Yes, according to press reports, it was Meghan, unsurprisingly, who was the more upset half of the couple over the picture that was painted of them– apparently seething that anyone would dare make fun of her. Harry however, while somewhat miffed, wasn’t quite as upset about it.

“Well I didn’t really give a shit to be honest, yah. I don’t think I even understood half the jokes… some of the words were a bit too long.”

The segment ended with Harry telling Meghan that they could now go and lead a ‘normal life’, with cartoon-Meghan apparently not expressing an interest in this and both parties going their separate ways.

I’d wager Meghan was the most angry about this part as the South Park writers had probably sussed out her masterplan and then put it on national tv, much to her annoyance.

“Meghan, calm the fuck down, yah. It’s only a TV show– who cares?”
I care, you moron! How did they know I was planning on leaving you and telling you to piss off back to England?”

But the stress of a piss-take on South Park has proved too much for the couple, who are now apparently taking their anger over the segment out on each other; because while people across the globe struggle with recessions and feeding their families, Meghan’s biggest issue is that people she doesn’t know are making fun of her.

“Who gives a flying one if people are starving in Uganda, did you see what those bastards said about me on Modern Family?!”

Poor Harry (I say this loosely, of course); he must be ducking and diving in that house while a drunk Meghan pelts plates at his head.

“Meghan easy with that one, yah– it’s a commemorative item from granny’s platinum jubilee!”

I mean, it’s a stressful time for the couple; Meghan has also recently expressed anger that she was not included in the King’s coronation plans, as though she’s got absolutely anything to do with this.

“And why was I not consulted on the menu options for the lunch reception and the order of service for the ceremony?”
“…Sorry, dear girl, who are you, again? The caterer?”

In any case, I’m sure Meghan will calm down in due course; there’s bound to be another parody somewhere that will piss her off even more.

Namely my blog.

Kate and Pancake Day

And now for something sweet… in the form of The Princess of Wales visiting a care home on Shrove Tuesday.

“Good morning, your future Queen Consort has arrived and is ready for her free pancakes.”

Arriving at the Oxford House Nursing Home in Slough, England, Catherine greeted the center’s staff as she stepped out of her car, eager to get started with the day.

“What you do is absolutely remarkable, but couldn’t you have found a better location? Slough is a prize shithole, yah. You fall ill just setting foot in the town.”

Once inside, Catherine met with residents at the nursing home, who seemed delighted to meet her.

“Ooh ‘ello Meghan love– it’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“It’s Catherine, actually. Don’t piss me off– I only just got here.”

Catherine also enjoyed chatting to various staff members who work at the house, including nursing staff and cooks, and learning about the roles they undertake on an everyday basis.

“So you actually come in every day, do a 10 hour shift, head home and also take care of your children…?”
Fucking hell, I’ve done an hour here this morning, will probably read the kids a bedtime story at 7pm and then have the local spa on speed dial for a much-needed massage and facial.

Kate even tried her hand at flipping a few pancakes, truly getting into the spirit of the day.

“Sorry, it’s just that when you invited me in for pancakes, I didn’t think I’d actually be cooking them myself.

But keen to get stuck in, Catherine even introduced a few cooking tips of her own…

“Normally I just tip a bottle of Bailey’s into the batter; if you do this though, I’d recommend giving them to the kids after school and not before; that way they pass out nice and early and you and your spouse can finish the rest of them uninterrupted.”

But despite being known for her pretty decent culinary skills, Catherine had a bit of a hard time when it came to actually flipping the pancakes.

“Ok… in 3, 2, 1…”
“Christ, why the fuck is it still so runny? Should we add some rum, do you think?”

But even despite a few bumps in the road, Kate was able to maintain her composure and good nature.

“Oh fuck this, I’m late for my manicure– just serve it to them in it’s liquid state. Half of the residents here don’t have teeth anyway.”

I’m sure Kate enjoyed the day and will be back again to visit soon.

“As long as there’s no bloody manual labour involved– sure!”

Princess Charlotte to get a job

Not right now obviously as she’s only 7– but in the future.

Yes, it has been reported that her parents, The Prince and Princess of Wales, want their little Charlotte to break away from her royal status and actually find a career path.

“The fuck I am.”

Much like her dad’s cousins, Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie, Charlotte will be expected to carve out her own job and skill set, all while still be known as a ‘Princess’.

“So you see, daddy and I just want you to get a real job, like Aunty Beatrice and Aunty Eugenie. You know, an actual vocation.”

“Yeah, you first, mum. I don’t recall ever seeing those other two witches do shit either, apart from marry rich guys and fire out babies.”

Depending on what Louis does too, it might have Charlotte question why she has a certain role carved out for her that differs to her siblings, or even from her parents, for that matter.

“If it’s that important, why don’t you get a bloody job then, mum?”

“Oh Charlotte, fuck that. I’ve already grafted hard to get to where I am. There’s no bloody way I’m going to be slumming it behind a counter at a Burger King now.”

But what type of job could a Princess actually get, in theory? I mean, you’d get a bit of a shock if she was your server at your local Taco Bell drive-thru with her manager standing behind her making sure she delivered her lines correctly.

“Thank you for visiting Taco Bell today, this is your server Princess Charlottehave a great rest of the day and don’t forget to think outside of the bum.”

“It’s bun, Charlotte– not BUM.”

“You’ve clearly never had the fiery Dorito taco, mate.”

Or perhaps, like most of her friends might do, she could get a job in real estate?

“I mean, I don’t know shit about it and couldn’t even tell you how many rooms our Windsor Castle pad has, but who wouldn’t want a royal realtor?”

Or could it be something we didn’t see coming– like a maid?

“So Charlotte, if you just grab that toilet brush there–“

“Uh, hello? Royal princess here– never so much as seen a toilet brush. Which item am I picking up and what do I do with it?”

Or maybe they’ll keep it in the family and have Charlotte support George in a PA capacity as they get older and he undertakes more engagements? Although I’m not sure how well something like that works out when you’re siblings.

“Charlotte, why the fuck have I got ‘Breakfast with the Prime Minister’, ‘Personal Trainer Appointment’ and ‘Meeting with the Privy Council’ all at 10am tomorrow in my diary? Have you got shit for brains?”
“Sort it out yourself then, dickwad. What did your last slave die of?”

Real talk though, ultimately I don’t think this will happen; George will probably need a fair amount of support with his role when he’s King and I can’t see them wanting Charlotte and Louis to take a total backseat during this time.

“And be like those two title-less losers in America that Uncle Harry and Aunt Meghan birthed? No thanks, yah. That ‘HRH Princess’ title is mine.”

And with that…

Are Harry and Meghan about to split?

So this is an interesting one I’ve now read in a few gossip rags where some are speculating that it won’t be long before a split is announced by Harry and Meghan.

I mean, they’re a little late to the party– I’ve been saying that for five years.

It is being said that following the release of ‘Spare’, Meghan has decided to ‘seek time apart’ from Harry– largely because she realises she has now gotten everything she possibly can out of him and can’t rinse him for even a drop more.

I mean, there’s been the titles and wealth she married him for, global notoriety, the Spare book, a $100million Netflix deal, her name in all the papers… what further good could he possibly do for her now?

“I mean, maybe we could do something with Amazon Prime, but past that point, it’s probably gonna be a divorce if I’m honest.”

Well, rumours swirling is usually start of the shitstorm, and considering I’ve never heard any rumours of the sort throughout their relationship, it is a little odd they would come up with now without some sort of tip off from somewhere.

The speculation has come off the back of Meghan’s silence during the Spare promotional tour, whereby Harry undertook most of these appearances on his own. Die-hard Sussex fans will tell you that it was just a ‘loving wife’ giving her husband the opportunity to bask in the limelight– but anyone with fucking eyes will tell you it’s a calculated move on her part.

Really– since when has Meghan ever let Harry have the limelight?

He’s always behind her like her fucking PA

Nah, something weird is afoot here. Never has she ever been quiet for this long. I do wonder if this was the final step of her masterplan; the final bullet being shot from the chamber, whereby she lets Harry make an arse of himself one final time on the world stage before distancing herself from him at last, leaving him looking like an idiot.

“But babes– look at all the backlash. How are we doing to deal with this?

“‘We’? Oh honey, you’re on your own. Enjoy fucking back off to England with your tail between your legs while I find a billionaire to move onto. Expect the divorce papers in the post.”

But what would happen now if there was a separation? By my own prediction, I feel that Meghan will be on a chat show sofa faster than you can blink, throwing Harry under the bus along with the rest of his family, the narrative changing exponentially.

“No way. This is my wife, the woman I love. We have two kids together. Meghan would never do that, yah.”
“Yeah, and when I wanted to kill myself when I was pregnant with Archie, Harry sat back and did nothing. He was too embarrassed to approach the family and get me help, so he just left me to suffer. He had all the means, all the money… and still he did nothing. Yeah… it goes a little something like that now.”

We can all see it coming a mile off; whatever book deal Meghan apparently has, you know she is saving it for the split and when she can open another can of worms by suddenly ‘exposing’ Harry as this shit husband who did nothing for her.

Watch how the Sussex fans will turn on him too. It’ll go from:

“That wonderful Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex who stands by his woman and family and treats The Duchess like the Kween she is.”


“That piece of shit white boy motherfucker from that inbred family who did his Princess dirty, why don’t he piss off back to the racist UK and turn into a lizard, where he belongs.”

It all remains to be seen, but I have a feeling I’m right in my predictions.. we’ll see.

Anyway everyone, have a lovely week! Stay safe, happy and I’ll see you all next week. Until next time…

11 responses to “Royal round Up: 27th February”

  1. Brilliant and funny; your trademark! Thank you!

    1. Thank you my love! ♥️

  2. Love, Love Love this post.

    1. Thank you my darling, as always! ♥️

  3. Brilliant! Bonus points for the Michael Caine GIF.

    The SP episode really skewered the Sussexes. Karma is sweet

  4. Fantastic, laughed so much. Thank you

  5. Brilliant – this is the best blog EVER. Absolutely love, love, love it.

  6. Ah — that last bit was the capper. White boy motherf***er. I’m rolling here.

  7. Excellent and hilarious as always. I completely agree with you, she is going to dump his arse. I wouldn’t be overly surprised if she announced it on the eve of the coronation. Would you? Looking forward to the next “royal round-up”. 💕💕

  8. Yes, absolutely brilliant! Thanks for taking your time and making us laugh!

  9. Lord have mercy, you’re better than my pain meds. Please don’t stop! I read your first yesterday, from my subreddit group. Actually put my fentanyl lolly down to read further.

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