Royal round-up: 4th January 2023

Hello hello everyone– a very Happy New Year to you to all and welcome to the first royal round up of 2023!

I hope you all had a wonderful festive period–I unfortunately was struck down with the flu and basically missed Christmas while I coughed and sweat my arse off in bed, but there’s always Christmas 2023, I guess.

My actual attire on Christmas Day so I could sit with my family (and I still infected them anyway).

But as always, there’s a lot to report on with the drop of the Sussex Shitshow Part 2, so let’s dive right in!

Harry and Meghan Part 2

Once again, I’m relying on the Daily Mail to tell me what’s going on because I’m allergic to actually hearing Harry and Meghan speak, but the second half appears to be wilder than the first. And by wilder I mean, “more full of shit”.

We’ll start with the moment their Netflix crew just so happened to capture Harry getting a text from William, evoking a dramatic reaction from Harry.

He waves the phone at Meghan to show her said message, where she narrates what’s going on by telling us “H just got a text from his brother!” like none of us have ever gotten a fucking WhatsApp before.

“Look at this babes yah — totally absurd…. What does it say?”
“Seeing as you can’t read… it says you’re a massive ginger bellend and they’re taking our titles away. No lie.”

It’s not clear what was said in the text, but Harry was clearly doing his best to make it seem like he’d just been told he was being removed from the line of succession. When in reality it was probably something like:

Meghan then tries to look like the good little wife supporting her husband during a trying time when Harry raises his arms above his head and says “I just don’t know what to do.”

Dude, just let him take the bins out – it’s seriously my least favourite chore in the world

Meghan proceeds to tell Harry to “get some air and then you can decide”. What he’s meant to be deciding, I’m not sure. Probably trying to choose between Mexican and Indian for dinner. Either way, I didn’t even know he could think for himself anymore.

“…of course, you’re gonna decide to listen to whatever I say, but we’ll wait until you’re back in to discuss that.”

Harry then goes on to tell us about the time when he and Meghan told the royal family they were stepping down from royal duties, as though they did an awful lot of them anyway.

“I mean, we only did about three engagements a year, but we were bloody exhausted yah. The average British citizen just could never understand.”

Harry asserts that William began to “scream and shout at him” for his decision to step down and move abroad which I’m struggling to picture slightly. Again, it’s not said what words William uttered, but I doubt it would be anything major from the future King.

“Fuck off yah, if anyone’s leaving, it’s me. I’m not keen on this “King” shit— and I’m sick of Kate moaning about me leaving my dirty socks everywhere and waking up with Louis squashing my head every morning. Race you to the palace gates.”

Apparently William’s anger was at the half in, half out request Harry and Meghan made: which I would say was somewhat justified. I can only imagine my boss going spare if I was like:

“Well I only wanna work two days a week, both of those from another country — preferably the south of France— and I want to earn the same salary with the same benefits. Got it? Cool. See ya next week!”

Harry also asserts that Charles “lied” about something or other— again, not clear what, but he said:

‘It was terrifying to have my brother scream and shout at me and my father say things that just simply weren’t true. And my grandmother, you know, quietly sit there and take it all in.’

Elaborate please, dear boy.

So again, he can’t quite muster the courage to actually quote anyone, probably because it was a load of shit, but he tried his hardest to make his family look like a pack of wild animals.

I’m intrigued to know what Charles lied about, but perhaps it was something to lure Harry to Sandringham to talk like actual adults.

“Come to Sandringham, Harry— I’ve flown in the girls from the playboy mansion and we have a barrel of whisky for you.”

But then Harry got there and quickly realised he’d been had.

“Right Pa, I’m here— where’s that playboy poontang and the Johnny Walker? I’ve got about half an hour before Meghan gets back from Pilates.”
“I knew that one would work.”

Maybe even Meghan still does not know to this day what it was her father in law had lied about…

“Yeah Haz— you never did say what he’d lied about?”

“…yeah.. yeah…it was nothing really— maybe cut that comment about my dad from the final edit? Water under the bridge and all that.”

But it wasn’t long before they swung back to their wedding and early days of marriage, with Meghan talking about the morning of her wedding to Harry and how she prepared to walk down the aisle.

Meghan chose to spend the morning of her wedding stuffing croissants into her mouth and guzzling mimosas, while apparently singing ‘Going to the Chapel’, as she stated that this was ‘all she wanted to do’ on the morning of.

Apart from daydreaming about what royal title she was going to get.

She then launched into a few sentences are about how ‘calm’ she was, and how she ‘couldn’t believe she was so calm’ given what was about to happen.

I went into this really calm space, I don’t know how I was so calm. I look back and I think, how was I so calm?”

Maybe because you were half cut?

I mean, it’s not really much of a shock for most to hear that a few glasses of champers will probably reduce your panic levels. A couple more of those and she probably wouldn’t even have been aware she was getting married.

“But let’s get our asses in the car and head to a Slug and Lettuce for bottomless brunch!”
“But Ms. Markle– it’s your wedding ceremony in an hour?”
“Oh yeah.. who was it I’m meant to be marrying again? *burps* These croissants are stale…”

But Meghan getting plastered before her wedding aside, it was time for the couple to once again reflect on those early days of living in Nottingham Cottage and getting settled into their marital home.

“And this here is the pitchfork I stab Harry with when he tries to talk to his family.”

Harry also took to domestic life— painting fences and doing the gardening.

“Wait until the stupid dick finds out that’s superglue and not paint.”

They really thought they had it good: nice cosy home within palace grounds, staff at their beck and call to run errands for them… that was, at least, until Oprah showed up and gave her own opinion of the place.

“It’s a little small for a Princess, Meg. You don’t even have a fifth bedroom?”
“Oh God I know Opes — it really is just the most frightful shithole, yah. We asked for Buckingham Palace and can you believe, they actually said no?”
“I dunno Megs, I quite like it – I think it has character.”
“Ohhh… yeah except I don’t give a shit about character— I want 10 bathrooms and a home cinema.”

But it wasn’t long before Meghan was pregnant with their first child and throwing a lavish baby shower in New York City with a bunch of hangers on friends who made sure they were there for the big occasion.

“Someone actually got me some cheap shit from Target!”
“Bitch, now I know you playing – those baby rattles were from me!”
“Shit, my bad— they’re gorg, even mistook them for Cartier. Anyway, is it time for cake?”

There was even a pointless flower-arranging session where guests got to arrange their own floral bouquets, which were apparently later donated to hospices— the only nice gesture that’s ever come from Meghan and even then I’m betting it wasn’t her idea.

“Shit, I thought these were already assembled— why the fuck are we doing the florist’s job for her? Are we getting paid for this?”

But amidst all this, Meghan was reportedly suffering in silence. Suicidal, unable to leave the house (apart from a New York round trip) and barely able to get out of bed in the morning— things were super tough for the Duchess.

Oops sorry — I must’ve hit ‘upload’ by mistake!

Real talk though, this is not even the full bill— it’s simply all my phone could screenshot at one time. There were at least another 10 items. This is hardly a woman who was struggling with her mental health.

And after partying her way through NYC and drinking all the tea the city had to offer, she returned to the U.K. to continue to sit on her backside and use her pregnancy as an excuse.

“God honestly, it’s been such a tough 6 months of being pregnant— what with all the palace staff to wipe my arse for me, chauffeurs to drive me around and chefs to prepare nutritious meals. It’s been positively ghastly.”

And then before long, their son Archie arrived and Meghan couldn’t hide her anguish anymore: she told her husband they needed to leave—and fast.

“Harry, hurry up and get those fucking bags on the plane– that private jet charges by the minute.”
“Sure babes– but where’s Archie? I can’t see him anywhere.”
“Jesus Haz– why are you telling me this now? He’s probably in one of the suitcases or something– just get your ass on that plane!”

It’s at this point in his interview that Harry tells everyone that the royal family were “jealous” of Meghan’s popularity and the fact that she was “doing such a good job”.

Doing a good job of what— ploughing through our tax money faster than Pete Doherty could get through a mountain of cocaine?

As for jealous — please. I doubt the late Queen Elizabeth was sat at home worrying, like:

“Shit, one better up one’s game— my 70 years on the throne are no match for a Deal or No Deal briefcase girl and her two royal engagements a year.”

Honestly — what did she do while she was here? I cannot think of a single thing. She spent about a year in the U.K. moaning, wore a lot of expensive ugly clothes, spent yet more money on house renovations, fought constantly with the press and her family and then… left.

…of being a twat.

I also doubt the poised and elegant Princess of Wales harboured even a shred of jealousy toward Megamouth Markle, who can’t dress to save her life, didn’t have a clue about royal protocol and could win an Olympic gold medal in whining.

“Seriously envious over a failed actress whose second highest screen credit is a girl blowing a guy in a car on 90210. And then going on to get stuck with the spare and likely to lose all titles by the New Year? Gosh, I’m positively green with jealousy.”

But the claims got even wilder from the Deluded Duo when– get this– Meghan actually claimed that staff onboard the flight to Canada thanked her for her service to the UK.

I’ve seen a better level of ‘service’ in a Dunkin Donuts

Seriously, what in the fresh wet dream was this? On what planet has anyone ever considered her one year in the UK ‘service’? I’ve seen gap years last longer.

“And then, as the plane wheels touched down on the tarmac at Vancouver Airport, the staff unbuckled their seatbelts, stood up and began applauding. Some had tears running down their cheeks– some were waving a flag with my face on it…”
“Then the plane doors opened and there was a huge banner reading ‘You’re free now, Meghan’. Everyone bowed, thanked me for all my hard work and kissed my feet, and I was all like ‘yeaaah, your Queen is home bitches!’”
“I’m really sorry about this guys, yah– I forgot to put her medication in her matcha latte this morning.”

And after a brief stint in Canada, which we all know was only to appease the royal family in the initial stages by pretending they had every intention of living in a Commonwealth country, the pair hopped on a plane and fucked off to the USA.

In the quiet city of Los Angeles, the pair could finally have the privacy and anonymity they had so badly craved while in the UK.

“Haz, can you fucking believe I just went to Starbucks with a tiara on and still no one knew who I was?”
“I know yah– I even told someone my mum was Diana as a hint and they asked if I meant Diana Ross?”

But away from the horrible UK and British media, the pair then got to grips with the spiteful US media instead, with Harry insisting he had to ‘build a fence’ to keep the paparazzi lenses out, but that they still managed to see through and get photos.

Well I’m not fucking surprised: I’m no Frank Lloyd Wright, but I don’t think this even passes as a railing.

But with crappy DIY aside, the family really began to settle in California and they turned their attention to their next goal: ruining the royal family and making money off it as a means to “survive”.

“Shit Harry, we’re out of milk yah— but I don’t even have two fifty dollar notes to rub together!”
“It’s ok babes, just ring up Netflix and I’ll tell them that Gran once threw one of her corgis at you after a couple of G&Ts. That should keep us in bread and milk for the next week at least.”

Simply not content with moving across the pond to start a new life, they had to keep bringing up their old one in a bid to stay relevant— because nothing says ‘thriving’ like two former royals repeatedly bringing up their family and old life.

“So Meg, what shall we discuss in our next podcast? There’s world peace, poverty–“
“Or we could just talk shit about your family again?”
“You read my mind babes. Get the microphones out and let’s get stuck in.”

And in keeping with the theme of family-bashing, there was a clip that brought things back to William and the palace machine, with the Sussexes seemingly annoyed about something (what’s bloody new).

In the clip, it appears the pair are discussing Jason Knauff and his role in the royal household, where they are clearly lamenting his work representing William and clearly pissed off he hasn’t defended their lies.

Meghan turns around to Harry and says:

I know, it’s your brother, I’m not going to say anything about your brother, but it’s so obvious…”


What William is meant to have done this time, I don’t know– even he must be confused waking up to this crap every day, wondering what fresh hell awaits him.

“Jesus Kate, what the fuck am I supposed to have done now, yah? I’ve only woken up, had a shit and eaten a bowl of cereal.”

In any case, I do find it funny that Meghan says she isn’t going to blame William for something, but then proceeds to?

“Now I’m not saying it was your brother buuuuut…”

I’m going out on a limb here and assuming that they’re accusing William of some sort of smear campaign, as previously reported— something I highly doubt he has time for.

Do they really think the future monarch of Britain lazes around his palace all day, thinking up ways to trash his brother and sister-in-law?

“Why are you spitting untruths about Megs and I, bro? Are you trying to make us look bad?”
“What? I haven’t said shit. You and your old bag do a good enough job on your own of making yourselves look stupid. Now clear the line, yah– I was trying to order a Nandos.”

But Harry wasn’t done yet: he also went on to say that the royal households ‘competing with each other’ was the reason he ‘now lives in another country.’

Is he serious? He left the country because there’s a competitive streak between the two royal households?

There’s competition between a lot of teams at work. Can you imagine if I left the UK because I thought my HR team and the Marketing team were clashing on occasion?

“I’m moving to Kazakhstan!”

Honestly, is this the same rugby-playing army bloke we used to know? He has turned into such a pansy and couldn’t make it more obvious how jealous he is of his older brother.

The situation is also exacerbated by some random woman standing in their kitchen, throwing in lines like:

“Right, like, why aren’t we, like, recognising, like, that they are not, like, just your former aides but also, like, William’s aides now?”

And then Meghan, equally articulate, responds with:

“Like… why aren’t we, like, acknowledging that… like…?”

I don’t know how many of you have seen the clip, but while Harry is speaking, it is abundantly clear he is constantly trying to please Meghan with what he says and searching her face for a glimmer of approval– and then trips over his words when she doesn’t say anything in response and just stares at him blankly.

But Part 2 gets worse when Meghan’s mum Doria decides to chime in with her own two cents, reflecting on the time Meghan was ‘suicidal’ in London and how she… well… stood back and did nothing.

Doria goes on to talk about how difficult things were for poor Meggy in her palace, telling the cameras:

I remember her telling me that… that she had wanted to take her own life. And that really broke my heart, because I knew that it was bad. But to just constantly be picked at by these vultures, just picking away at her spirit, that she would actually think of not wanting to be here… That’s not an easy one for a mum to hear. And I can’t protect her, H can’t protect her.


I’ve never understood why all the people closest to Meghan have absolved themselves of any responsibility when it comes to her welfare, yet they and Sussex fans time and time again expect Prince William and the palace to put out statements protecting Meg? Why should they take a stand when her own mother and husband won’t?

Doria sat there like:

“What the fuck did you want us to do? We’re only her mother and husband. As for me, I’m in Cali teaching yoga and don’t believe in iPhones or laptops, so I couldn’t call or email my daughter. I’m also seriously into preserving the environment, so couldn’t get on a plane either. Also, we don’t have any money between us, so paying for a plane ticket would’ve been tough anyway.”

Really, these two are super close to the project, yet it’s always someone else’s responsibility to take care of a spoilt 40-year-old woman? The three of them are fucking weird.

But ever keen to press on with ‘The Meghan Show’, it was Harry’s turn to blame everyone else but themselves and started attributing Meghan’s miscarriage in 2020 to the ‘stress of dealing with the Daily Mail case’.

Wait… was that the case where she leaked a letter to the public intentionally and then tried to play the victim?

Mate, give us a break. I think most of us are sick and tired of hearing about this bloody letter she wrote to her father, which was clearly for public consumption, and then claimed that her ‘privacy had been invaded’. The whole thing was written in contrived calligraphy– who the fuck writes to their dad like that?

Yes, I often do this instead of just sending a text

I mean– don’t you guys write to your parents via pigeon mail rather than Facetiming them? I know I certainly do.

Now I understand miscarriages are a very sensitive subject and I won’t spend too much time chiming in on something I have no firsthand experience with, but I thought it was already confirmed some years ago by medical professionals that stress does not bring on a miscarriage?

Of course, I am not in the least bit surprised that Harry has chosen to ignore this fact and as usual, is looking for someone else to blame when something goes wrong.

“I mean, it really is all your fault, yah. This miscarriage was a long time coming. Remember when you guys followed her about in Toronto when she and I were dating? That was 100% a contributing factor to the miscarriage she had four years later.”

Dude– women lose babies every day. It’s just a fact of life. And while I’m sure it’s disappointing and sad for you, you cannot paint yourselves as the victims every time. If stress really brought about a miscarriage, no one would ever carry a baby to term– you know, given the fact the general public have actual stresses and not just Jerry Springer-style drama with their families.

“I know the rest of you work stressful jobs, have children to take care of without the aid of a nanny, then need to come home, do bath-time, dinnertime and bedtime, but have a heart, yah– I spend a lot of time and energy fighting with mine and my husband’s families and that’s a full time job in itself.”

But all the depressing stuff aside, and the couple look ahead to better times, such as when they flew to the UK with their two kids in the hopes of upstaging the late Queen’s platinum jubilee celebrations.

The pair take us inside Lili’s 1st birthday party at Frogmore, as though any of us are meant to give a shit about a baby’s birthday, and ‘treat’ us to some ‘behind the scenes’ photos.

Meghan goes on to talk about the arrival of her second child, as though no one else has ever had a baby before, saying:

There was something that just felt so complete, once we had Lilibet.

Yeah, your future child support amount doubled.

She tells us how ‘everyone really respected everything they had been through and they had the right to welcome their child into the world peacefully, just like any other parent’, adding that it was ‘hugely important to have this time to nurture and cocoon their family’– which I can totally get.

“‘Ere Harry, where’s that facking nanny? Lili’s crying again and this gin goblet won’t refill itself.”

Also–what does she mean ‘everything they had been through’? Like what? Living a life of luxury and then throwing it back in everyone’s faces? Or having to use their titles to cash in? Trying to decide which shade of beige they should paint the 11th bathroom of their Montecito mansion? Give me a break.

“We just couldn’t decide between duck egg blue or walnut cream, yah.”

The pair also apparently believe they are treating us to something unique by posting a million photos of Lili taken on their phones– as though no other parent has ever photographed their child.

These are a slew of snaps that show off their then-newborn daughter in the early days of her life… Meghan holding her in a sling:

“I mean, we’re fairly confident we’ve picked up the right baby at the hospital.”

Harry pushing her around the grounds of their home in a buggy:

“Meghan, this lawn-mower really is the most frightful piece of shit, yah. I haven’t picked up a single blade of grass!”

Lili crawling around on the grass:

“Archie, yank that hedge to one side and let’s get the fuck out of here. I can’t take another year of mum and dad.”

Meghan’s arse?

Very regal.

Harry… suffocating Lili?

“Just be quiet Lili, yah. My earphones are broken and your mother is still reading the step-by-step guide on how to pick you up, so until she’s finished that, we’re stuck with each other.”

I’m assuming this was a feeble attempt at making themselves look ‘normal’, as though they usually know what wing of the house the kids are in, let alone spending all live long day frolicking about outside with them amongst the birds and trees.

I think we know they spend a majority of their time thinking up new and exciting ways to behave like arseholes, so they can cut the shit, quite frankly.

“Well it’s not entirely true that we don’t introduce the kids to nature… We do sometimes leave them outside with the coyotes overnight if they’ve pissed us off enough during the day.”

But back to Lili’s 1st birthday and no celebration would be complete without the cameras present.

Here, we see Harry and Meghan trot the kids and a cake out in their back garden at Frogmore Cottage, encouraging Lili to blow her candles out.

“Now Lili, remember to smile and don’t embarrass me like your brother did during his 1st birthday video.”

“Bitch, get your sticky paws off me before I boot this cake off the table.”

Big brother Archie even got a look in at one point when Mum and Dad remembered they had another kid too and clambered atop the cake table, probably giving his mother a coronary.

“Arch, come here mate and help your sister blow out her candles.”

“No no no Archie darling, get your dirty feet off the table– Lili, KICK HIM!”

But after all the heartwarming ‘family’ crap, Harry and Meghan were quick to whip out the knives again and went straight for the jugular, now demanding an apology from the Royal Family for.. well.. something or other.

I’m sorry, an apology for what? Giving you everything on a silver platter and still not having it be enough? The BRF don’t owe them shit. If I were Charles, I’d be like:

“You’ll be waiting a bloody long time for that apology, you pair of chicken drumsticks.”

Harry and Meghan apparently go on to say that they wanted to ‘sit down with the royal family and discuss the issues they detailed within their Netflix programme’.

That ship sailed centuries ago.

Excuse the fuck out of me, but I think the royal family have extended enough olive branches to obscure Greece from view– what else exactly would like they like them to do?

On top of that, they could have just asked the BRF to sit down in the first instance, rather than going to a streaming giant to drag everyone globally (yet again), but that would be too easy, right?

“Where would be the money in that?”

But as usual, the palace were having absolutely none of the Sussex Shit, and delivered a one-liner so perfect, I could stand up and applaud. In response to Harry and Meghan’s claims that they wanted to sit down with the family, a palace courtier responded with:

If they want to get in touch with the King, they know where he lives.

Goes without saying, I’m with the palace on this one (and quite frankly, always). They’ve had ample opportunity to sit down with the family and air their grievances, but instead they’ve chosen to take the extremely aggressive route as per usual, while claiming they were left with no choice.

King Charles, even if they phone and let you know they’re dropping by for a cuppa and a chat, lock the palace gates and hide– they’ll probably be wearing wires for another deal they’ve signed with Amazon Prime or some shit. Wouldn’t trust these two as far as I could throw them.

“Charles, where the bloody hell are you going?”

“Out the back door and then on to Mexico– Harry and Meghan have just arrived and one doesn’t have the energy for that shit.”

Together at Christmas service

A palate cleanser!

So after its success last year, The Princess of Wales hosted another ‘Together at Christmas’ carol service, whereby this year’s was dedicated to the memory of Her Majesty The Queen.

Many familiar faces were in attendance, including Catherine’s parents and siblings, and of course, husband Prince William and two eldest children, Prince George and Princess Charlotte.

“It’s just so wonderfully festive! What do you think, George?”

“I think Louis dodged a bloody big bullet by being allowed to stay home and watch CBeebies instead.”

The service was broadcast to the general public on Christmas Eve and contained songs, performances and readings in keeping with the Christmas theme.

“Mum I swear to God, if anyone starts singing anything by Mariah Carey, my arse will be outta here faster than you can say ‘elf on a shelf.’”

The service focused on the values that Her Late Majesty held so dear, such as duty, empathy, faith, service, kindness, compassion and support for others– basically nothing Harry and Meghan could ever understand.

“Er, excuse me? I always hand out packages to the homeless when I’ve got a camera crew present and/or when there’s a journalist around to write about what a Saint I am.”

In 2021, Kate had surprised the crowds by playing the piano during the service– a skill many did not know she had. She didn’t do the same for the 2022 service, which was a slight shame, but it was still impressive that the led the event in a solo venture for the second year running.

“Yes, I was going to play the piano again this year, but I dropped a tab of acid about an hour ago to make this more enjoyable and the piano keys look like squid tentacles now and my hands have turned into palm trees. Maybe next year?”

However, the Prince of Wales gave a reading during the service– perhaps to show some additional support to his wife for all that she organised.

“Evening lads. It goes without saying I’d rather be in the pub, but Kate told me it was either this or babysitting Louis, so here I am. Merry Crimbo.”

All in all, it was a lovely service and I do hope Kate continues with this annually. Even the kids seemed to have enjoyed it!

“Thank fuck that’s over with. Time for a hot chocolate and a True Crime podcast before bed.”

Christmas at Sandringham

Well it wouldn’t be a royal Christmas without the annual Sandringham church walk! True to form, the royals headed out in Norfolk to greet the crowns on their way to Church and wish everyone a Merry Christmas, led by His Majesty The King and Her Majesty The Queen Consort.

“Right Cam, whip the Tesco bags out and let the peasants throw their gifts in. Last year I got a rather large bottle of Scotch and a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, so the bar is pretty high.”

During the walk, the Princess of Wales was stopped by the adoring crowds and asked about how her Christmas was going so far, to which she responded that the kids had had her up very early to open their presents.

“Yes, they did have us up frightfully early– Wills and I just get the nanny to handle them while we hide in the en-suite bathroom with some eggnog and a Coronation Street re-run.”

The Prince of Wales was also quizzed about the type of Christmas his kids were having and whether or not they got any nice presents, to which William responded that they ‘got too many presents’, with a wry smile.

“Yes thank you, they got plenty of nice presents– we don’t need your old shit from Oxfam.”

And of course it was a big moment for Prince Louis of Wales, who made his Sandringham walk debut at the age of four and a half alongside his parents and older siblings– and the young royal seemed to seriously enjoy walking around and greeting members of the public.

“Oi oi geezers– let’s crack open those Santa sacks and see what you’ve got for me today.”

As usual, the crowds were keen to gift the younger royals with some Christmas Day pressies, to which I’m sure they were incredibly grateful.

“Dad, what’s with the flowers? I thought I’d asked for a nerf gun?”

“Don’t worry George yah, there’s a bin by the chapel entrance– just smile for now and then bung it in there on your way inside.”

It even seems that the adults were thrilled by the gifts they received from their loyal subjects.

“I said scotch, not socks, you imbecile. You’re lucky the monarch isn’t able to cut people’s heads off anymore.”

All in all, a nice opportunity for the royals to greet the crowds and express their gratitude for all of the support in the last year.

“Yes, next time instead of a red fluffy gnome creature, could you maybe stretch to something by Hugo Boss?”

Harry’s ‘Spare’ interview

Alas, it’s back to Thing 1 and Thing 2 and their shenanigans across the pond.

This week, it’s Harry promoting his ‘book’ in the form of an interview with Anderson Cooper, who I honestly did not believe would stoop this low, but here we are.

Could we really not have had just one week of the New Year without having to look at this miserable bastard’s face?

In the interview, Harry discusses his upcoming ‘memoir’ entitled ‘Spare’, in which he apparently re-hashes more old shit we don’t care about, such as his childhood, his mum (whom he can never wait to mention for a bit of sympathy) and his rather boring life over the last 38 years.

“It’s quite a lengthy book, Harry… You must have an awful lot of wisdom to impart?”

“Yah, not really– I mean, I haven’t done much besides playing strip billiards in Vegas and dressing up as a Nazi. I just wrote the words really big so that they’d take up more page space, innit.”

Harry tells Cooper that he ‘has tried to speak with his family privately’, making out that he and his wife have only taken such a public route because the family have apparently leaked everything Harry has said. He tells Anderson:

Every single time I’ve tried to do it privately there have been briefings and leaks and planting of stories against me and my wife.

Mate, you and your wife have got more leaks than the Titanic?

He cannot be serious? Have him and Meghan actually held up a mirror to their own behaviour, because it seems to me that they’re totally oblivious to how they conduct themselves.

When they say things like ‘planted’ and ‘leaked’ stories, I think what they actually mean is that they were pulled up on their shit and they don’t like it.

“I mean, we get that we’ve been arseholes yah, but you don’t need to tell us. It’s really quite racist toward Gingers.”

Harry also goes on to take further aim at the family, implying that the mantras they hold so dear are apparently nothing more than bullshit and just a façade for the public. He says:

You know, the family motto is never complain, never explain, but it’s just a motto.

Oh aye, is that right Harry? And just how many of your utterings have you stuck to in recent times?

Let me draw your attention to the complete crap they put out themselves regarding their departure from the BRF and we’ll see how much of this still rings true 3 years on.

Removal of public interest, you say?

And I suppose they removed this ‘public interest’ by giving interviews to anyone who would listen, writing books and winning ‘awards’ at glitzy ceremonies for calling Harry’s family a load of racists?

Yeah– smashed it.
‘Private charitable interests’?

Pray tell, what charitable interests would these be? The Bank of Harry and Meghan? I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve not seen them carry out a single piece of charitable work in the last 3 years– I’ve only seen them do things for their own personal gain.

“Well I mean, there was that time that we helped the less fortunate pick out clothes for them and their families from that bargain bin? Do you remember how grateful they were?”

“Megs, that was a Primark queue on Black Friday and we didn’t pay for any of it.”

And then there’s this gem…

I think the late Queen would beg to differ here.

The only support they offered the Queen, as I recall, was them trying their hardest to kill her off when she was already in poor health. I don’t recall them representing or supporting her at all.

“I mean, you really weren’t well anyway– we were just giving you a nudge in the right direction.”

And while there are so many more, I’ll leave you with this last one..

Again– when did this happen?

I’m fairly certain they started Archewell, their own foundation, and haven’t given even 2p to anyone with the money they have made from this. The only people they have had an ‘effect’ on, negatively, would be the Royal Family.

“I really don’t understand the issue with dipping your hand into the charity pot on occasion, yah– I had three credit cards to pay off and a Fendi handbag I had my eye on for months. You would’ve done the same.”

So Harry, I probably wouldn’t accuse others of failing to uphold the values they apparently preach when yourself and your wife have catastrophically failed to abide by anything you promised either.

Harry also then goes on to moan about how the Royal Family would fabricate entire segments of correspondence, but “could not manage to put out statements defending him and Meghan.”

Again– why are you both incapable of defending yourselves at the age of 40? Why does someone else always have to come to your aid when you’ve both proven you’re more than capable of opening your mouths and talking shit? I’m still not understanding why it’s everyone’s responsibility other than theirs to protect poor little Harry and Meghan.

“Wills? It’s Hazza. Look, someone called Megs a narcissist in the Daily Mail comments section– can you put out a statement on how you won’t tolerate racism or something? Maybe talk about how wonderful we are too, yah?”
“No can do bro, Kate and I are out on a beer and cigarette run at Sainsbury’s. Shall we put out a statement when we get back, Kate? What do you think, babes?”

“Mmm I think I would rather shove the Imperial Crown up my arse, darling.”

In any case, Harry’s stupid book is out in about a week, so we can wait and see what fresh crap he churns out this time. Either way, I think we can safely say that they can wave goodbye to their titles come January 10th, let alone getting any for their kids.

“Ooh shit, Charles– he’s made you look a right prick.”
“That little sod– I’ll have him thrown in the Tower of London.”

It is also now being said that Meghan will also be writing a ‘tell all memoir’ too in due course (yipee) but more on that next time as I feel like my braincells have fried simply trying to cover the second part of the Netflix debacle.

Until the next post– stay safe, stay well and all the best for 2023!

26 responses to “Royal round-up: 4th January 2023”

  1. First of all, Brilliant post from you – loved it! You are so good in summarizing it all and making me laugh my behind off simultaneously. THANK YOU!!!!
    Secondly, I am so sick of first Her Majesty and now His Majesty King Charles doing NOTHING to remove all of they titles and appointments from HazBeen and his trashier than trashy low class spouse; removing Harry as Counselor of State, making serious efforts to get him removed from the line of succession – and making a public announcement that the pair won’t be invited to King Charles’ Coronation.
    All the BRF does is let it all slide. No consequences. No tough love. No boundaries. Camilla doing nothing to kick hubby Charles into gear to get him to protect the image of the Monarchy.
    Instead it is open arms bull spit, like they would be willing to have HazBeen and his trashy wig wearer wife come back and bring his microphone back to the UK with him to make more money on his next tell-all of vague lies and epic whines.
    Really, at this point I have zero sympathy for Charles. He is being so weak and seemingly codependent that it is appalling.
    And it is a massive slap in the face to Prince William and Catherine, who work hard, respectfully, graciously, seemingly really interested in all the boring stuff no matter what, consistently behaving with discretion, duty, loyalty, etc. – and then get crapped on in return by Papa Charles doing NOTHING to soundly back the Wales and support the Wales by literally cutting the heads off of the two wankers a.s.a.p. and being done with it..

    1. Thank you so much sweetheart! You are very welcome! I really could not agree with you more. I am still sort of holding out hope that this book will be the final nail in the coffin and that it will finally give Charles the kick up the backside he needs in order to remove their titles/put it through parliament to do so. I agree it isn’t cool towards William and Catherine when they are trying to so hard to ‘keep calm and carry on’. I really thought that the Queen had been so lenient because she was in the winter of her life and just wanted peace and quiet, but I had really held out for Charles kicking their arses and so far, he seems a little slow off the mark. Let’s hope the book does the trick! xxx

    2. I think the Royal Family are handling it brilliantly. Totally ignoring narcissists is the only way to handle them; the Monteshitshow duo are desperate to be acknowledged and it is delicious to watch them dig themselves into deeper holes. The more they attack the more unhinged and out of touch they appear to be.

      The more they drag out the same complaints the less people listen, if it wasn’t for the British media they would hardly be reported on.

      Anyway, thank you for such a funny start to the New Year, get well soon

      1. Actually, you’re right– they probably couldn’t win either way, so silence really is the best thing for it. I’m wondering at what point they will run out of steam, as they have over-played their hand now surely? Thank you love– glad you enjoyed the post! xxx

  2. Excellent and as always, entertaining. Thanks and have a great 2023 🥳

    1. Thank you my darling– to you too! 🙂 xxx

  3. Saffy, so sorry to hear you have been sick.

    Thank you for another very witty and clever read.

    1. Thank you my love– on the mend now thankfully! Hope you had a lovely Xmas and New Years! xxx

  4. Another great post, right on target and laugh-out-loud funny. Have a great 2023!

    1. Thank you my darling– wishing you the best for the year ahead too! 🙂 xxx

  5. Happy New Year, and hope that you are on the mend!

    Brilliant post, as always. Dear God but the Sussexes are exhausting in their complete obsession with themselves.

    And as for Doria, well, when a woman takes her eyebrow look from Uncle Leo of Seinfeld, what can one say?

    Thanks again!

    1. Thank you my love! Hahaha the comment about the eyebrows has killed me. Happy New Year darling! xxx

  6. So glad you’re back Saffy — and healthy. Your latest gem is your best yet. I can’t believe we’ve been force fed the Harkles’ sludge for going on 6 years now. You are one of the best out there, so please don’t stop — unless you can’t stand it anymore. I, for one, am grateful for your patented brand of hilarity. XO and happiest New Year you can manage. ________________________________

    1. Thank you my lovely– always good to hear from you and Happy New Year to you too! 🙂 xxx

  7. Loved your post as always!🥰

    1. Thank you darling! xxx

  8. Cheesus Murphy that was funny. I don’t even know how I got here but I think I’ll stay.

    1. Thank you so much love! So glad you enjoyed xxx

  9. They say laughter is the best medicine and goodness knows we desperately need it in huge doses atm … enter Saffy. Thanks for the giggles beautiful girl. Shared to Tumblr per usual. Take care, stay sassy 👑 🇬🇧

    1. Well hello darling! Thank you so much as always– you know I always appreciate it! 🙂 xxx

  10. Happy New Year! Thank you for dissecting the total Sussex-shitshow- whineathon. And making me laugh. Very loudly. Can’t wait for the next one!

    1. You are very welcome and thank you so much! Happy New Year to you love xxx

  11. Very sorry to hear that you had the flu over the Christmas holidays. Hope you are feeling much better.

    Enjoyed you blog immensely as always.

    1. Thank you my lovely– mostly on the mend now thankfully! Hope you had a lovely Christmas and Happy New Year! xxx

  12. Always the best round-up. Happy New Year!

    1. Thank you love! Happy new year to you too! Xx

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