Royal round-up: 14th December

Well hello all and welcome to another royal round up– which has been a long time coming! Hope you’re having a good week so far and sorry for the gap between posts, it’s been crazy busy with end of year work stuff and general life.

There has been SO much going on in royal world that I’ve no idea where to begin, so let me start with the biggest shit show and work my way down…

Harry and Meghan on Netflix

Now, as you all would have guessed, I have dodged this while scrolling through Netflix with the same gusto all of us tried to dodge COVID with when it first hit. I nearly clicked on it by mistake the other night while on holiday and nearly ripped the TV off the wall and threw it into the sea.

So as you might have guessed, I have had to rely on the 3843984 articles the Daily Mail post every day on this, which has been painful to read, but for the sake of blogging, I had to take one for the team.

I have no idea how to structure this because it’s been one piece of bullshit after the other from those two, but I’ll give it a go…

Firstly– why the fuck has this ‘documentary’ recorded every last minute from the last 3-4 years as though we needed to see all of this? I’m honestly surprised they didn’t have the film crew in the bathroom while they took a dump.

“And then when we left the UK and finally felt like we could breathe– oh wait, hold up guys, I do need a shit yah, but do keep filming– it’ll make me look more human if people think I use the bathroom too.”

It is absolutely rammed with useless photos of Meghan putting on some teenage-girl grin while she attempts to look deeply in love with Harry– probably high as a kite or pretending he’s someone else to get her through those moments for the sake of the cameras.

“It’s Chris Pratt, it’s Chris Pratt, it’s Chris Pratt…”

Also, I must say: if you are someone that loves Harry and Meghan (which I doubt you are, or you wouldn’t be reading this blog), if there was any question in your mind that this woman has had an agenda from day dot, hopefully this has been eradicated now.

I was shocked at how much ‘privately shot’ footage had been taken and orchestrated over what appears to be a 4-year span– meaning she was plotting her exit pretty much as soon as the ring was on.

“I’m not sure what you’re accusing me of, yah– don’t you all have a camera crew following you around for 4 years in order to fuck over your in-laws?”

She did not give it a go. She was never going to give it a go. This was always the plan.

But of course, Hapless Harry also eventually gets his screen-time to paint his wife as a martyr, once Meghan has had an entire montage of press clippings solely of her, trying to make her look like Audrey Hepburn, or someone else with a shred of decorum, and in also making sure there was a clip in there of someone calling her a ‘royal rockstar’.

If by ‘rockstar’ you mean that she looks she has been up all night doing speed, then yeah, I totally see it.

But back to Harry, and it is quite evident this dude is a total lost cause. He has been completely sucked in by Meghan’s ‘victim’ complex and it’s written all over his face. Honestly, his wife could probably shit on his plate and tell him it was a tiramisu and he would still eat it.

He brings out these dramatic statements like “I don’t know what would have happened if we had stayed”, as though they were fleeing war-torn Ukraine rather than leaving a luxury cottage on the Windsor Castle estate in a blacked-out SUV. I mean really, “I don’t know what would have happened”?

I dunno dude, we figured you’d have just hung around taking more of our tax money to spend on your wife’s ugly clothing

There’s even one stupid clip of Harry on the plane to Canada, with an up-the-nose-shot on his iPhone, telling the lense “we’re on the flight to freedom!”.

“But Britain, you’ll still pay for our security, property and lavish lifestyles, yah?”

Yes Harry, how awful it must have been for you, fleeing the destroyed wasteland that is the United Kingdom, where you have no food, water, warm clothing or a home to call your own– having to board a private jet to another wealthy country where your new mansion awaits.

It’s just a real shame you didn’t realise you needed this ‘freedom’ about 30 years earlier, as you could have spared the taxpayer quite a lot of money.

You weren’t talking that shit when we were paying for your playboy prince lifestyle well into your 30s, were you

But back to the bullshit they spewed, and it’s over to Meghan once again, who laments (for the 50th time) that she ‘wasn’t taught the ropes’ — as though her husband sitting next to her didn’t have 35+ years within the royal family where he could’ve, I dunno, told her how it works?

Harry went on to say that he ‘taught her all he knew’ (which can’t have taken long) but that he ‘didn’t know about how a royal woman should behave’ or ‘how they should dress’.

Just what the fuck is he talking about? Does he know there are women in his family? ‘Didn’t know how they dressed’– oh come off it. Did you never meet The Queen? Princess Anne? Your sister-in-law The Princess of Wales, or, I dunno, you mother— the most famous Princess to grace Planet Earth. For real?

Meghan, sat next to him nodding like one of those bobbing dogs people have in their cars, goes on to add:

I never saw pictures or videos of a walkabout. I was like, what’s a walkabout?

Well Meghan, it’s usually where you put one foot in front of the other in order to get places

Is she fucking serious? Now she needs help being told how to walk too?

“So Meghan, you just take normal steps with your feet like you would if you were walking to the bathroom and then you need to wave, which consists of picking one hand up and jiggling it about– and then smile, which means twisting up the corners of your mouth. Yes?”

“…no, I’m not sure I get it, babe.”

She seemed to know a fair deal about Kate and Diana before getting with Harry– did she not see the millions of videos of the two of them greeting crowds over the years? Bloody bimbo.

But the clutching-at-straws-claims get even more bizarre, with Meghan going on to claim that the palace advised her not to invite her niece Ashleigh to the wedding, because her half-sister Samantha Markle was not going to be invited.

She goes on to say that the palace ‘couldn’t wrap their head around it’ and ‘questioned how they would explain that the niece was invited but the half-sister wasn’t?’

Honestly I could not pick a single one of Markle’s family members out of a line up, bar maybe her parents– do you really think I’m going to give a rat’s arse which one her niece is?

Meghan then talks about how ‘painful’ it was to have to tell her niece (who I’ve never seen mentioned until now) that she was not going to be able to attend the wedding, as though Markle has ever given a toss about her family.

She didn’t find it ‘painful’ not inviting every other last member of her family, but perhaps Ashleigh was the only one gullible enough to sit down in front of Netflix’s cameras and bullshit her way through an interview under her aunt’s direction.

“I mean, we were so close before! I usually saw her once every 7 years and sometimes she sent me a little bag of marijuana for Christmas.”

Ashleigh told the cameras how her communication with dear Aunty Meghan became ‘less and less’ and that she felt it was due to ‘the royal household controlling Meghan’s relationships with her family and friends’, which the palace obviously denied.

…could it be because she just doesn’t give a shit about you?

Bruh, they let Harry stay friends with people who got him shitfaced every weekend, did drugs with him and encouraged him to run around naked in Vegas hotel rooms– do you really think they’d tell dear Aunt Meghan not to speak to her niece? Do you think Kate gets told she can’t interact with Pippa’s three kids either? Just face up to the fact you got ghosted like everyone else in her life because you didn’t fit her new ‘PrInCeSs ImAgE’.

“So it’s not that I don’t love you, yah– it’s more just that you’re a little too trailer trash for my new British persona and I’m trying to leave that all behind. You understand, right?”

But it wasn’t long before it was Harry’s turn to spew shit too, claiming that he was ‘forced’ to propose to Meghan on UK soil’ after ‘having to ask his grandmother the Queen’s permission to do so.’

“Fucking propose to her outside of the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea, and see what happens.” — The palace courtiers

Firstly, you weren’t ‘forced’ to do shit. If your brother, the future King of Britain, was able to pop the question to Catherine in Kenya, you probably couldn’t gotten engaged in an Arby’s in Texas for all the royal family gave a shit, so let’s close the case on that one.

Secondly, yes you did need to ask the Queen, as your family is not a regular one and she would be accepting a random woman into the royal fold and giving her a title and access to immeasurable wealth, so sorry if you were so put out by running it past her first.

“I mean, I don’t know who she thought she was, yah– the fucking monarch and head of the family or something?”

And true to form, even looks like Meghan tried to sneak an underhand (and very blurry) photo of the moment Harry proposed– you know, just in case it went tits up and she needed to sell her story later on to dine out on the fact a prince had once asked her to marry him.

Honestly, does she live with a go-pro strapped to her head or something?

Some people do arrange proposal shoots and perhaps organise for a friend to document the moment, but… if you truly loved someone and were thrilled they asked you to marry them, why would your reflex action be to whip your iPhone out and take a photo? Before answering?

“Yeah yeah, I’ll marry you, just give me one second babe– I need to document this in case you dump me and I need to make money off interviews back in the States from that time a prince proposed to me.”

But worse still than Meghan doing what I would deem to be fairly predictable behaviour of hers by now, was Harry later taking a really cheap shot at his own family, specifically his father and brother.

Harry told the cameras that he believed that men in the family ‘married to fit the royal mold rather than someone they are destined to be with.’

– The Princess of Wales

I’m sorry, but if Harry was my brother and I was William, I’d have hopped on the first plane to California and ripped out what’s left of his hair. Sorry, was he implying that his brother married Catherine because she fit a certain image, rather than the fact he loves her?

Because I hate to tell you this Harry, but your brother is far smarter than you are, so there’s a good chance he just simply managed to find a woman who he is not only in love with, but who represents the monarchy beautifully too.

“Look, fuck off yah– it isn’t my fault that you picked up a cable TV reject who couldn’t even spell ‘class’ if she tried and I landed a goddess.”

You needn’t worry, Hazza: your brother and his future Queen have been together for 20 years, have three kids and actually know each other; you got engaged to some chick after a year (and probably a handful of shags), ill-prepared her for royal life and now you wanna take shots at everyone else for your own failings?

“Well it was her or Britney Spears and Britney wasn’t really up for it.”

As for your father, he may have been nudged toward Diana for her blue blood, but if he hadn’t, you wouldn’t be here, so shut up and stop your whining.

Yeah, what a shame that would be.

Real talk though, I do feel like Harry always wanted a Kate and the family William has, but when he realised that wasn’t going to happen, he settled for whoever would have him and is now pretending that he was always looking ‘outside the box’ to begin with. I don’t for a second believe that Harry genuinely feels that way– I just think he wanted a Grace Kelly and settled for a Kim Kardashian instead.

I will move on for now though, as the second (or is it third?) part of this crap is due to be released tomorrow, so we’ll see what fresh fuckery this one brings.

William and Kate in Boston

Of course, I couldn’t not cover this.

So a couple of weeks ago, The Prince and Princess of Wales journeyed to Boston to attend the Earthshot Prize Awards ceremony, flying in on a commercial British Airways airliner (hear that Sussexes? it’s possible!) and touching down at Logan International Airport.

“God, 7 hours is a bloody long flight on a commercial plane Wills, yah. I need a ciggie and a Wendy’s stat.”

Despite what Sussex fans would like to believe, William and Catherine were met with an incredibly warm reception, ready to take on three days’ worth of engagements, despite Harry and Meghan sitting in Cali, spending all livelong day trying to think of ways to derail the royal tour.

“Fucking hell Harry, they’re in Boston– just find something, anything to release to overshadow it.”

“Will you shut the fuck up Meghan yah, I’ve got an awful hangover and we’ve already sold everything to Netflix anyway.”

The first stop for the Wales’ was Greentown Labs, where they learnt about local innovations at a climate tech startup– very in-keeping with the theme of the trip. They even met a little boy dressed as a Royal Guard!

“That outfit’s bloody brilliant, yah. Maybe we would use you in the family as a replacement for Harry. You’re certainly more mature.”

And of course, a chance to meet the crowds who turned out to catch a glimpse of them both.

“Thank you darling;– I would shake hands, but I really don’t want to.”

They even found time to attend a basketball game!

“Kate, would you look at the skill and precision in which these athletes play? Such talent, such dedication.”
“If that fucking ball hits me in the face, you’ll be paying for my new nose.”

And Friday got a whole lot busier, when Kate paid a visit to Harvard University to discuss childhood development, where the Princess has been focusing a lot of her attention over the last five or so years– putting a lot of attention on how parents play a vital role in this.

“So is this where all the nannies take lunch?”

It was a great chance for Catherine to speak to some professionals overseas and really pick their brains for her own research.

“Spending time with your kids? Wow, groundbreaking. I’ll give that one a try once we’re back with them in two weeks’ time.”

Upon her departure from the university, Catherine met the adoring crowds outside, who really showed that the USA has an interest in real royalty after all.

“No, I absolutely will not be watching that utter shite on Netflix.”

And in the meantime for The Prince of Wales, it was a meeting with President Joe Biden, who flew into Boston especially to meet the royal, which whether you like him or hate him, is a kind of a big deal.

“Thank you so much for coming to see me Mr. President– it’s awfully kind of you to fly all this way.”
“I’m not here to say hello and have a cup of tea Wills– I’m here to tell you to fetch your brother and sister-in-law and get the fuck out of the USA.”
“Ok fine, we’ll take Harry, but Meghan’s one of yours, mate. She stays here.”

He also visited the JFK library, meeting with Caroline Kennedy, the daughter of late President John F. Kennedy.

“Well I doubt I could send Harry and Meghan into orbit with it, but I could certainly fire it up Harry’s arse?”

And what of that evening’s glamorous Earthshot Prize?

Catherine of course turned up looking the part as ever, in a gorgeous green ballgown, alongside her husband The Prince of Wales, who looked rather fetching in a tux.

“Bloody hell Kate– these trousers don’t half crush my crown jewels.”
“I can assure you it’s not quite as bad as having your royal time of the month in a pale green dress.”

The two absolutely dazzled the crowds, with Kate donning an emerald necklace that once belonged to Princess Diana– which must have pissed off a certain someone.

“Oh, she’s wearing the emerald necklace… the..the one I asked for?… How quaint.”
“Meghan, I already gave you the replica from TK Maxx, just put a sock in it now, yah.”

But then it was time to jet out of Boston and back to England, where the annual diplomatic reception took place at Buckingham Palace– the first with King Charles III as monarch.

“Sorry we’re late, yah– it was happy hour at the Slug and Lettuce around the corner.”

The royals turned out looking glamorous as per, with William and Catherine upfront and center. Kate looked gorgeous with her hair down in a tiara and a scarlet gown.

“No, Wills and I didn’t actually join them in the pub, but we might pop over after this. There’s a distinct lack of alcohol at these events which will definitely change once we’re King and Queen”

Kate also recorded a message that evening for her Christmas Eve carol charity event, Together at Christmas, some still photographs of which have been released by the palace as a teaser.

“I did ask to keep my tiara on to piss Meg off, but they said no.”

But it wouldn’t be a royal event without Harry and Meghan trying to upstage them across the pond on the same night as the diplomatic reception, apparently showing up somewhere in NYC, probably uninvited.

I don’t care to read about what event they were supposed to be attending, but all I know is:

a) This was most certainly done on purpose.

b) They both got heckled quite badly.

c) Meghan must have been fucking freezing in what she was wearing.

Getting out of their gas-guzzling SUV, Harry stepped out first, being greeted with a shout from a Brit guy questioning ‘if Harry was trying to destroy the royal family’.

Well if any of you have seen the video, it was basically silent when said British dude shouted this, so there was no way on this earth that Harry didn’t hear that. Meghan might’ve done too, but she was too busy trying to squeeze her arse out of the car and look for the nearest camera, so she was otherwise occupied.

“Babes, did you hear what that twat just shouted?”
“Over the sounds of the camera clicks? Not really. Now hold my clutch and walk behind me.”

The look on Harry’s face said it all really; a mixture of embarrassment, slight shame and wishing his wife would move just a bit faster so he could get the fuck inside.

“Meghan, move your bony arse before someone brings out the box of eggs.”

Ok, I did Google this as writing and it appears they were there to accept some sort of award for calling the royal family a bunch of racists? Didn’t know that was a category– perhaps they’ll have a new genre at next year’s Oscars.

“And we would like to thank all of our supporters, who have stuck by us through thick and thin; they’ve seen how hypocritical we are and they still head out there onto Twitter and Instagram, like illiterate and brainless warriors, defending us on the front line. We would also like to thank what’s left of our PR team for spinning utter bullshit to make us look good. We would thank our families, but, um…”

In any case, as with the last few years, Harry is looking increasingly miserable and regretful as he stands by his gurning wife– except now it seems to have accelerated a bit. Please look at this man’s face and tell me this is no the biggest ‘what-the-fuck-have-I-done’ expression?

He looks like he’s just realised he left the stove on at home.

In any case, off the back of these appearances and the Netflix doc, the only good thing to come out of this is that they appear to have already used every last bit of material they have– so there can’t be a lot left to publish or go off in the future.

After giving us every single photo taken between 2018 and now, I’m really wondering what the book will contain that hasn’t been flogged to death already, so let’s hope this is the end of the line for them. Their Netflix bore-fest is already slipping in the charts after the first week, so let’s hope they’ll shut up now.

Harry and Meghan may not attend coronation

Well, there’s good news in 2022 after all.

So apparently Harry and Meghan have been advised not to attend the King’s Coronation in May next year– a decision which I do not think confuses any of us in the slightest, save for Harry and Meghan who probably still don’t understand why.

“I don’t know what his fucking problem is, yah– all we’ve done is shit all over the family’s reputation, tell everyone what a bad father he was and repeatedly attack the institution he is now the head of– why aren’t we allowed to the party?”

I’m not really sure why they would want to attend anyway; I mean, they clearly have no respect for the family, have dragged all of them to oblivion, hate England and the media… why the fuck would you want to attend?

Oh wait… maybe it’s because despite ‘hating the British media’ they know that they still need them to stay relevant, along with the BRF?

“Well yeah, I mean, if you guys stopped talking shit about us, how would we stay in the press?”

I still don’t know how they have the gall to show their faces after all they have said about the family. It once got around that I told one of my cousins that one of my aunts was a loudmouth cow who didn’t think before she opened her trap, and let me tell you, I was seriously shook before the next family BBQ.

“Who’s the loudmouth cow now!?”

The coronation is actually on Archie’s birthday, so I’m hoping that they just decide that filming more Netflix fodder is more enticing and stay home in Cali, staging more fake photographs with cake and balloons and forcing their son to listen to yet another book reading by his mum.

“Ok, that’s enough cake now, Archie. Time for another book before naptime!”

“Fuck to the no– dad, give her another valium and she can go take a bloody nap if she wants.”

Yes Sussexes, do please stay at home and leave the pomp, pageantry and petulant prick-less processions to the UK.

Meghan’s Variety Interview

So this one is super old now, but as I started typing it 2 months ago and never posted it, I figured I would just include it anyway.

As if this prat hadn’t done enough damage this year, she had the audacity to give an interview following the Queen’s death (which we all knew she bloody would anyway) and to ‘tell all’ on her visit to the UK.

I mean, all you both really did was seek out the cameras and piss everyone off

I should issue a disclaimer, if you have not read it, that the Variety article is utterly nauseating and I can only hope this was another tongue-in-cheek tone, because it really is a pile of shit.

The ‘article’ first opens with the following:

The Duchess of Sussex is in mourning. But we’ll get back to that. 


In mourning? For what, exactly?

The only thing I imagine she’s mourning is the free ride on the gravy train she was getting and dining out on her title because King Charles sure as shit will put an end to that.

“Yeah it’s really sad about the Queen and all, but what if Charles takes away all our shit?”

Secondly, within two sentences, they have managed to relegate Queen Elizabeth II to being an afterthought, as though conducting an interview and photoshoot with a Z-list actress and gold digger was somehow more important.

The second part gets even more nauseating, as the ‘journalist’ goes on to discuss Meghan’s grand entrance onto a golf course to hold the photoshoot, as though people were witnessing the arrival of the second coming.

That morning, the Duchess of Sussex, known more commonly by her maiden name, Meghan Markle, sped past a group of 60-something women who’d made the trek to Montecito to celebrate a milestone birthday. Teetering on the dusty cobblestone walkway in their wedges and kitten heels, the group stopped dead as Meghan waved and smiled from a golf cart delivering her to her Variety cover shoot. “Can you imagine?” said one of the women wistfully after the duchess had passed, perhaps talking about the life she has led thus far — an American woman meeting and marrying a handsome young prince beloved by all the world — or maybe, as we were there to discuss, the life she’s leading now.

What in the fresh horseshit is this?

Does anyone really react to Meghan like this? I mean, seriously? I feel like Meghan is forcing the journos to pen her as some sort of global star who everyone is just so in awe of, when personally, I am more enamoured by the ice-cream truck pulling into my street.

This Article of Arsehole-ry trudges on though:

Following the official period of mourning, Meghan agrees to sit again for a lengthy discussion about her road to the present. She worries that any comments about the queen or her in-laws will be “a distraction” from continued mourning, but presses on to celebrate the icon.

Note the word ‘again’– which reminds us that they had to redo the entire interview upon Meghan’s return to the USA after The Queen’s death because she had clearly said something she shouldn’t have done in the previous one.

The original:

“I can’t believe that sour old crone tried to lock me up in a tower and teach me to curtsy and shit. She made me feel so unwelcome– AND she didn’t even give me the fucking tiara I wanted on my wedding day!”

But the new version be like:

“Dear old granny-in-law was just the most wonderful woman. An icon across the world. We used to drink tea and watch Jeremy Kyle together. A special bond.”

Variety go on to ask her: The world has been mourning the loss of Queen Elizabeth. How has this time been?

To which Markle responds:

There’s been such an outpouring of love and support. I’m really grateful that I was able to be with my husband to support him, especially during that time. What’s so beautiful is to look at the legacy that his grandmother was able to leave on so many fronts. Certainly, in terms of female leadership, she is the most shining example of what that looks like. I feel deep gratitude to have been able to spend time with her and get to know her. It’s been a complicated time, but my husband, ever the optimist, said, “Now she’s reunited with her husband.”

Meghan, please do piss off.

Suddenly The Queen is this ‘shining example of leadership’ and a female role model, when five seconds ago, Megs couldn’t wait to brand her as the head of a racist family who withheld titles from her “”mixed race”” baby and lamented how she never got any help from the family when she was threatening to top herself.

“I mean, she was great apart from that time she wouldn’t make my son a prince– and that other time when I said I was going to hang myself from the mast of Buckingham Palace and she didn’t give a shit. But otherwise, a top lady yah.”

If I didn’t know any better, I’d strongly suspect that Meghan returned from the UK seeing the tidal wave of love, admiration and respect for the Queen and realised she had was way out of line with anything she may have said previously. Just a shame it took about six years for the penny to drop.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I lie and tell everyone she’s a racist and she still is a thousand times more popular than me? Shit, we better redo that Variety interview.”

I did have to laugh at Meghan talking about ‘spending time with and getting to know The Queen’ though… when exactly was this supposed to have occurred? She had spent the last 3 years rejecting every invite from The Queen, even when she was on her deathbed, so what girl time are we meant to believe happened?

“Meghan, it is an absolute honour to extend an invite to yourself and Harry to spend the summer with me at Balmoral Castle.”
“That’s real nice ma’am, but Haz and I have already booked our flights to Ibiza where we’re gonna sit in the sun and do a fuck-load of cocaine, so while I would like to sit in a dusty old castle for weeks on end, I think I’m gonna have to say no this time.”

I also didn’t understand the next question from Variety either: Has anything come up for you in your relationship with the queen since her passing?

Well considering she’s now dead, there’s probably less talking being done between her and Meg

She then makes a left turn and veers off into her favourite subject: herself. Dear old Meghan just can’t wait to prattle on about all the ‘projects’ she has in the pipeline, including that bullshit podcast she has that makes me feel I’d rather listen to nails down a blackboard.

Part of what I’m doing with “Archetypes” is looking at the nuances around the women who come on the show. I’m not a journalist, but I want a candid, real conversation with them. I’m talking to some really textured, colorful, layered, dynamic women with strong histories.

Well it’s a bloody shame you don’t let them get a single word in to tell us that

I keep reading transcripts of her podcast because we all know that I absolutely cannot bear listening to her voice, but from what I can tell, a thirty minute recording is Meghan talking for 29 minutes out of that, with the guest literally only saying ‘hi’ and ‘bye.

Apart from this, she prattles on about her and Harry’s Netflix debut, telling us that she is “happy to trust director Liz Garbus with our story– even if it is not the way we would have told it.”– whatever the fuck that means.

Which is code for ‘we told some blatant lies and Netflix edited them out’.

I should also add that this ‘article’ is littered with just about the most ridiculous photoshoot pics I’ve seen in my life, as Meghan tries hard to look as glamorous as possible while more closely resembling a trip to Glastonbury.

One of my mates has a very similar photo after dropping a tab of acid at Boomtown, falling face first into the mud and losing her shoes.
And I guess here is where the ketamine kicked in?

I’ve skipped through a lot of the bullshit she waffled on about, but the last thing I will say on this is that I was shocked (and I shouldn’t have been) at the number of times she states that she ‘surprised’ people just by being there and breathing?

I quote at least two:

I talked to a few of the girls who had just graduated for “Archetypes” — they were so incredible. I was so proud of them. And then I surprised some girls at volleyball practice.

Also, my husband’s favorite is In-N-Out. There’s one at the halfway point between L.A. and our neck of the woods. It’s really fun to go through the drive-thru and surprise them. They know our order.

How far up your own fucking arse does your head need to be to think that everyone is in awe and shock when they see you, as though you’re the Virgin Mary or something? This woman’s narcissism is the only well and truly awe-inspiring item, I’ll give her that.

If I worked at In-N-Out, the only one getting a surprise would be Meghan when I dumped her burger over her over-inflated head.

“Take your avocado chicken burger and get the fuck outta my face.”

Right, anyway…

Meghan visits Iranian Protestors

Also old(ish), but ohhhh here she is again– jumping on another bandwagon of the day!

Yes, in another sUrPrIsE visit, where the women there were just so fabulously surprised that Her Holiness Meghan Markle graced them with her presence, Markle joined Mandana Dayani, the president of Archewell, to drone on give yet another a speech about the bravery of the women who are leading the rebellion in Iran.


What the fuck have you got to do with Iran?

To further inflate Meghan’s ego, Dayani wrote on Instagram:

I am so grateful to work with incredible women like Meghan and my fellow Iranian colleague and friend, Ashley Momtaheni, as we continue to highlight the bravery and courage of the women and young girls on the frontlines of one of the most important feminist movements of our lives.”

Mandana Dayani

Amazing women like Meghan? Just what the fuck has Meghan done to warrant that label?

Other inspirational women are trying to start revolutions, campaign for women’s rights and ensure we are seen and heard and Meghan…. fucked a rich bloke with a title and found herself set for life?

Of course, it isn’t a ‘Meghan Moment’ without it being documented with a photo (because why do something good if no one sees you, right Meg?) and we were treated to this gem:

Meghan, who looks like she’d rather shove a suppository up her arse than touch the two women on either side of her because they simply don’t have her status, wears a t-shirt in Farsi which means ‘Women. Life. Freedom’– which her PA must have told her roughly thirty seconds before she shoved the t-shirt over her head.

“So Meghan, this shirt reads–“

“Yeah yeah, something about being a feminist. How do my tits look?”

And to lick her arse-crack even further, the Archewell lady goes on to say:

At an event today, Meghan spoke about the revolution being led by women and young girls in Iran, the courage and bravery they show every day, and their leadership and advocacy of basic human rights: women, life, freedom. As an Iranian woman who fled her home country in pursuit of these very freedoms, I could not have been more grateful for how she chooses, again and again, to advocate for women around the world.

lol yeah, apart from her sister-in-law, husband’s niece, half sister, the late monarch and any female friends she’s discarded on her way up the social ladder
Well it’s a bloody good thing she likes Iranian women, because she definitely doesn’t like the British ones.

Also Dayani dear, but did you deliver a speech on this, considering you’re actually the Iranian one? I’m at a loss to understand why an American woman led on this when I bet you she couldn’t even tell you the capital of Iran, but go off.

Considering Meghan also likes to change her ethnicity every week to suit the ‘flavour of the day’, I’m sure any minute now she’ll be telling us about her newly acquired heritage.

“And of course I am just so passionate about eating sushi as part of a healthy diet– you know, being half Japanese and all.”

On behalf of Meghan Markle, I sincerely apologise to the women of Iran. You’ve been through enough without this shit too.

And as for Dayani, well.. she has recently resigned from Archewell.

Guess she found her own freedom

Well that’s all for now guys; I have no choice but to post frequently going forward or I won’t be able to keep up with all the crap!

Have a lovely rest of the week and I shall see you soon!

12 responses to “Royal round-up: 14th December”

  1. Another excellent summation of the shitshow aka H&M beautiful girl. As usual, I have shared this gem to tumblr. 👏😊

    1. Thank you so much my lovely! Always great to hear from you! xx

  2. I know it probably takes hours for you to put these posts together, but I just love reading them and laughing my butt off at all of the sarcasm! Thank you, thank you for doing this. Please have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year 🎄🍾😃

    1. It’s definitely a full day’s job but one that I really do love! You’re so very welcome — thank you for the lovely message and wishing you a very merry Christmas and happy new year to you and yours too! ❤️❤️❤️

  3. Brilliant as always, thanks. Missed you but it’s been worth the wait.

    1. Thank you my love! ❤️

  4. Absolutely hilarious! Thanks for suffering through the whinefest for your loyal readers.

    Have a wonderful holiday!

    1. Thank you my darling, you too! ❤️

  5. Once again, you have a fabulous take on this whole sordid mess! I m so gleeful when I see that you’ve posted. Thank you!

    1. Thank you so much my lovely – always great to hear from you! ❤️❤️

  6. Your recaps are truly the best – please keep them coming!

  7. This is spectacular. Nothing short of brilliant. The palace needs to hire you.

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