Royal round up: 1st September

Hello everyone– it’s time for another royal round up! Hope you’re all having a good week so far!

I’m back from my spa break which ended up being slightly more boozy and heavier than I anticipated, so instead of feeling refreshed, I feel more like an old shoe someone discarded on the side of the road, but ah well.

Send help

But not wanting to let you guys down, I’ve put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard) and tried to cover off some of the bigger items in royal circles this week. So let’s take a look….

Harry’s memoir

So apparently there is some truth to the longstanding rumours that Prince Harry has penned a ‘memoir’ of his life so far.

Well that’ll be a short read

Apparently this pile of ‘hotly-anticipated’ garbage is due for release by Christmas— by which time, Harry should have learnt enough to read and write a full sentence.

“But I’ve never had to read or write before in my life, yah. Who needs that shit when you’ve got an HRH title?”

…And if a single member of my family is thinking of getting this for me as a jokey stocking filler, please be warned that I will not be responsible for my actions.

Real talk– what exactly is going to be within this book? He hasn’t actually done anything with his life, apart from playing toy soldier for a few years and pissing off to America after marrying a Z-list actress.

“I’ve also dressed up as a Nazi and slapped a member of the Foo Fighters, but who’s counting.”

Shall we start placing bets on the format of this bestselling epic? Here goes….

It all starts in Kensington Palace in September 1984, when Henry Charles Albert David of Wales is born to The Prince and Princess of Wales, Prince Charles and Princess Diana. He is their second child, joining big brother Prince William of Wales, who is a bit of an arsehole throughout Harry’s childhood (according to Harry anyway for dramatic effect, as we all know he’s gonna try and make Wills look as bad as possible).

“Can I have a piggyback, Wills?”
“Get your fat padded arse off me, you munter.”

Growing up, Harry always felt that he was in his elder brother’s shadow; as the would-be King, William regularly had a fuss made over him; being provided with gourmet dinners at the banquet table while Harry was fed meagre scraps of bread and sour milk in the tower.

Ok, it was more like caviar and quail, but still

Harry grew through his teenage years into what he would consider to be a well-rounded, well-mannered young man, who was always on his best behaviour and showed respect to all.

“The fuck you mean I’m too drunk to get in, yah? My granny will have your head for this, you tosser.”

And while Prince William spent time partying away at St. Andrews University and shacking up with new girlfriend Kate Middleton in student housing eating Tesco-value pizza, Harry was keen to do something more worthwhile with his life– so he joined the army.

“Haven’t got the first clue how to fire a gun, but all my friends told me the uniform will get me laid at the very least.”

There, Harry was a real asset to his comrades: always keen to muck in and put himself on the frontline to protect his fellow men.

“How was it out there today, lads?“

“Fucking brutal mate — how was your day?”

“Well I had four beers, a pizza and finally finished Call of Duty, so not a bad day yah.”

When not deployed, Harry made frequent trips back to London, where he romanced the likes of Chelsy Davy and Cressida Bonas (not at the same time obviously, but I wouldn’t put it past him.) Yes– perhaps the wayward Prince was finally on the way to finding a wife of his own, now that his brother had settled down too.

“Oh, it’ll be wonderful Haz! A big royal wedding with a carriage procession, oodles of champagne and cocaine served on silver trays!”

“Yes, but how much is this going to cost yah? I don’t think Grammy will pay for the drugs, but we can try asking the taxpayers?”

But the poor little prince had his heart broken when both women eventually dumped him as the royal life was just not for them.

“So what do you reckon babes — fancy letting me put a ring on it?”

“After seeing what they’ve put Kate through, I’d rather eat my own shit after a vindaloo.”

Downtrodden, but not deterred, Harry instead threw himself into charity work, doing what he loved most– helping others.

“I don’t know why you’re all getting so aggy yah, I didn’t realise it was the donation pot and I needed money for parking.”

But he just wasn’t fulfilled: while his brother and sister in law churned out kid after kid, Harry just couldn’t help but feel that something was missing from his life.

“A new scooter— the tyres are fucked on my old one.”

No, Harry– a woman.

And with that, Henry of Wales began searching again; little did he know that a plucky actress from California was also fighting her way across the Atlantic with a shitty stick to grace Britain’s shores with her presence– and to find a rich husband, because none of the ones in America wanted her.

“Don’t worry Harry— I heard you’re as desperate as I am and I’m on my way!”

Enter: Meghan Markle.

After meeting on a ‘blind date’ in London, because Meggy had simply no idea that it was a British Prince she was being set up with, Harry decided to push forward with the actress. She was dazzling (to him, anyway), engaging (to herself, anyway) and clearly desperate for a tiara, so why not?

“I’m 36, twice divorced, a serial cheater with a sex tape on the circuit and riddled with bunions — would you like to know my ring size now or after dinner?”

After a few more dates and one burnt roast chicken later, the two were engaged to be married: it had only been a year, but with Meghan’s fertility window closing and Harry’s bald patch growing, the two knew they had to fast track this one.

“…that male pattern baldness runs in my family.”

Six months later, the pair were married in a fairytale ceremony at Windsor Castle in front of delighted members of their families Harry’s family.

“Should’ve brought that flask of gin, Cam.”

Even with the small hiccup of Meg’s dad having a heart attack and several loudmouth family members threatening to blow her cover as the social-climbing snake she really was, Meghan was determined to make it down the aisle and marry her Prince before he realised he’d been had.

“Get these fucking kids off my train— I’ve got a Prince to force down the aisle.”

The months after the wedding passed quickly with royal engagements, settling into the marital home and Meghan getting knocked up with their first kid. Harry was overjoyed– he was finally going to have everything his brother did.

Their son, Archie, was born in May 2019 and Harry and Meghan took to parenthood like ducks to water.

“Harry he’s got my weave again — get him off.”

“Shit, Meghan— don’t move so quickly, yah — you know my left arm is weak and slow from where you hang off it constantly.”

But dear old Meggy had been deeply unhappy since moving to London; having royal residences and staff her disposal, unlimited cashflow, chauffeurs, cooks, nannies, security, a royal title and no need to work was getting on top of her– so in a bid to make Harry see how much his family had stifled her, she threatened to top herself by drowning herself in the washing machine.

“So help me Harry, I will do it— and on spin cycle too!”

So devastated was Harry that he could not protect his wife from horrible Britain and it’s tabloids, despite having access to immeasurable wealth and all the resources possible, he realised that something must be done: they were going to move to California.

“I mean, I did suggest Lesotho to Meghan, but I don’t think she was too happy about it.”

“Harry, I would rather stick the royal sceptre up my arse.”

And in the dead of night, the family fled Frogmore Cottage in Windsor, hightailing it to jump onboard their private jet and never look back at the U.K. ever again.

“Sayonara, Britain!”

Harry was overjoyed; his wife and child were safe, the Californian sun was shining high in the sky every day and they got to live the simple, quiet life they had so desperately craved.

“I just hate how much we are in the spotlight in London, Harry… Let’s move somewhere quieter, yah? Maybe Hollywood?”

And eventually, after an eventful evening of poking holes in all the condoms and what felt like the gestation period of an elephant later, Archie was joined by a sister, Lilibet– given Her Majesty The Queen’s nickname, even though Meghan fucking hates The Queen.

“Checkmate, bitch.”

And since then… shit all else has happened, save for the two of them cashing in where they can on bashing Harry’s family, both of them conveniently forgetting that neither one of them would be where they are today if it wasn’t for the BRF.

“I mean, if it wasn’t for this lady right here, I would never have learnt how to become a selfish, money-grabbing arsehole and treat my family like shit. I owe my life to her.”


Nah but for real, excluding my GIFs and photos, Harry’s life story could fill probably about 5 pages, so good luck to whoever his publisher is– you’re all gonna need it.

Meghan’s latest podcast

Oh, fuck me.

So apparently old Suck-ass has sat down with Mariah Carey (why?) to…. you guessed it! Bitch some more about being ‘royal’.

In the latest instalment of the Sussex Shitshow, Meghan apparently tells Mariah that she can ‘say whatever she wants’ now that she has left The Firm.

Honey, maybe you weren’t lying when you said you knew nothing about the Royal Family because clearly you aren’t aware of how badly they can and will fuck you up if you continue to get on the Queen’s last nerve.

I mean… this is the same family who are still being accused of killing Princess Diana 25 years later. And while I don’t believe there’s any truth to those claims, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to keep your wits about you and your trap closed.

“And don’t worry dear– even if we weren’t responsible for Diana, I’m open to making an exception.”

Meghan continues to bash the shit out of her violin by claiming that:

Just by existing, we were upsetting the dynamic of the hierarchy.

Meghan, still chatting shit.

The problem, dear Meghan, is that you guys did not ‘simply exist’– you made a fuss and a noise at every fucking turn.

You consistently ignored any palace advice when it came to handling the press (despite not being adept at doing so yourself.)

You spent taxpayer money like it was water and wore outfits worth thousands of pounds to visit charity centers.

You refused to share most details of your child’s birth with us and never even publicly revealed who his godparents are.

You have continuously shunned and taken the piss out of us all, so please stop sitting there and pretending you are the victim.

“I just can’t believe how cruel people can be when you treat them like a speck of shit on your diamond shoe.”

She then even apparently went on to discuss the breakdown of Harry and Charles’s relationship, as though it’s any of her fucking business.

Prince Charles listening to the podcast last night

She drawls on about how Harry told her that he felt he had ‘lost his father in the process’– I mean, whose fault is that though babe?

You moved an 11-hour flight away, took Charles’s grandkids away from him (and he’s probably only met the first kid twice and the second kid once), have spewed lies and vitriol on national TV about the family and you are expecting… what exactly? Charles to keep smiling and telling you how much he loves you?

“Yes, do come back here and stab us all in the back once again– we’ll have the champagne on ice!”

But then quickly realising that she should have kept her fat trap shut on a matter that didn’t concern her, Meghan’s team (comprising solely of her and Harry) were quick to say that Meghan was actually talking about her relationship with her father– as though we needed to be told that things aren’t all rosy between Meghan and Thomas Markle.

Other ridiculous statements she makes during the ‘podcast’ include:

Her and Harry being like ‘salt and pepper’ because they ‘always move together’.

They go together on fish & chips maybe– I’m not sure they move together…?

Claiming she never had to sign anything that restricted her from speaking, but she is ‘still healing’.

If I was The Queen, the only thing Meghan would be healing from is a sore arse where I had kicked her up it.

Claiming she faced issues in the UK due to being American– not necessarily a Black American.

But then had the fucking nerve to go on and call us all racist literally minutes later?

Says she has made an active effort to ‘forgive’.

Forgive the life of privilege that landed in your lap while you had your legs open?

And lastly, my favourite….

She claims that people ‘still see her as a Princess despite stepping down as a senior royal’.

That’s ok Meghan honey, I’ve only ever seen you as a fucking idiot, so we good

Despite saying we weren’t necessarily racist in the first part, she then goes on to lament how she was ‘only treated like a black woman’ once she arrived in the UK (because apparently we’re all white and have never seen a black person before, despite every 2nd person in the UK being from another country).

Meggy, if you were treated a certain way, it is most certainly down to your own behaviour. I think the reason you only ‘got in touch’ with the maternal side of your heritage was because you intentionally called yourself ‘Caucasian’ while in the USA/Canada because you thought it gave you a leg up (and over) in the acting industry. You only started referring to yourself as a ‘woman of colour’ once you got here for reasons we can probably work out.

And then then there is the troweling on of fake tan which she very conveniently only ever seems to do while in Britain, but I won’t go into that again.

“If the racists ask Harry, yah…”

There was also mention of how she kept a journal ‘during her time as a royal’ where she documented the daily events going on around her and how rough she was having it over here in England, what with all the money, staff, security and properties.

“Today I asked if I could sit an engagement out as I battled frightful morning sickness… But surely, the palace courtiers did beat me with the Union Jack and throw me in the tower at Windsor Castle, threatening to bring a spinning wheel to my child on their 16th birthday so they could prick their finger and… oh wait no, scrap that, they’ve heard that one before. I’ll just end it by saying William threw a crown jewel at my head.”

I mean really though, who is actually trusting of that?

We all saw Gone Girl where that crazy bitch kept a fake diary for over a year to make it seem as though she was in danger with her husband and to frame him for her ‘murder’.

All in all, I wouldn’t trust that fictitious crap as far as I could wipe my arse with it. And despite the claims that Buckingham Palace are allegedly ‘quaking in their boots’ at the prospect of Meghan’s sad little diary being leaked, I highly doubt they give a flying one; most of what she comes out with is total shite anyway, so I doubt this will be an exception.

– The palace courtiers

Harry and Meghan adopt a new dog

Just when the poor pup thought life couldn’t get any worse, he gets adopted by Harry and Meghan.

So apparently Harry and Meghan took a stroll over to a sanctuary that rescued 4000 beagles from a breeding center– because you know, they’re just those sort of people.

Now I know what you’re thinking; there go our lovely Harry and Meghan– just two down to earth humanitarians, skipping along the Californian sidewalk hand-in-hand and on their way to do yet another good deed without notifying the press.

“Only if there are cameras present, obviously– I don’t put myself through this shit for nothing.”

In true Sussex fashion, these two plonkers ensured it was an ‘after hours’ visit only (so they didn’t have to go near the plebs) and took security detail with them for reasons that are unbeknownst to me.

Who did they think was going to attack them– the beagles?

I actually think it’s the height of arsehole-ry to go somewhere like a rescue center and take two frigging security guards with you, because all that’s saying to the workers there is that you don’t trust them, after they so kindly kept the store open (and likely worked extra hours they weren’t paid for) because you couldn’t bear to be around the peasants.

If I were one of the staff there, I’d be like:

“Piss off and take your Netflix crew with you too.”

Moreover, has everyone conveniently forgotten Meghan’s track record caring for canines?

I’m fairly certain she dumped one dog in Canada because he ‘didn’t like Harry’.

None of us do either mate, so he was clearly onto something there

And as for the other dog, I think he took a nasty tumble down the stairs and broke a leg, if I’m not mistaken. I also believe the dog she dumped off in Toronto was left behind because Meghan declared him ‘too old’ to cross the Atlantic.

Didn’t stop you crossing it though, did it hun

Just kidding – I know 41 isn’t old!

But right now, it’s not looking too great for her in the Dog Mother department due to her previous incidents.

Apparently the pair came in and played with their new dog in the garden of the sanctuary for a while before deciding he was the lucky pup to bolster some publicity for them.

“Yes… I can already see the clickbait articles racing before my eyes!”

Project director Shannon Keith said:

“The Duchess, when she called me, said she’s been supporting Beagle Freedom Project for years and completely supports our mission.

She specifically said the reason she wanted to adopt from us was to get the message out that it’s important to adopt from animal testing and that she supports ending animal testing.”

Yeah Shannon, and I’m Gandhi’s flip flop.

Let’s please not pretend that this is anything other than a calculated PR move considering we know she dumped one of her previous dogs off to chase royal dick across the pond.

Aaaaaand these arse-kissers can also stop calling her ‘Duchess’ now as well, considering:

a) She doesn’t behave like one.

b) She now lives in the USA where her British titles are not recognised, so please let’s cut the shit and simply call her Meghan.

But I digress.

Harry reportedly told the sanctuary that they were not looking for a puppy, but an ‘old dog’ instead.

That’s funny– I thought you already married one

All in all, I wish that poor little pup all the best and I hope they don’t drop this one down the stairs.

The Cambridges soak up the last of the summer

So things are a little quiet on the Cambridge front at the moment as they close out the summer holidays with the kids, so it’s not unusual for us to hear very little from them at this time of year.

And with all three Cambridge kids due to start at a new school next week, it’s definitely got to be back-to-school mode at home.

“Jesus Christ guys– you better start praying that they serve fresh lobster at lunchtime and that the other kids’ parents own at least two stately homes.”

But just before then, it seems that the kids have been enjoying some time in Scotland with their mum and dad– taking in the gorgeous scenery, fishing and taking long walks in the fresh air:

“Yeah, it’s boring as fuck, innit.”

Scotland is usually where the Queen spends the summer of course, holed up at Balmoral. I’m not sure she is there this year, perhaps opting to stay in Windsor as the travel might be too much for her now, but it seems the Cambridges are continuing her traditions at the very least.

“So glad she’s away this year, Wills– we can get cracking on that cellar full of Merlot under Balmoral.”

But that wasn’t the only trip they took this summer, with William and Kate allegedly taking the kids for a break in the Isles of Scilly here in the UK for the third year running.

“Guess where we’re going this year, kids?!”

“If you say the Isles of Shitty one more time, I will scream.”

With its sandy beaches, blue skies and cute cottages, it’s easy to see why the family like going back there every year.

“I fucking don’t.”

Wishing the Cambridge kids all the best in their new school next week!

Harry plays polo… again. And moans about security… again.

Fucking hell – does he do anything other than ride horses and moan?

Harry must have the sorest arse in California for the amount of time he spends atop a horse whacking a ball around. Seriously, does he not have any other hobbies?

“I used to also enjoy a few beers and a gram of ket on a Friday night, but now Meghan makes us drink green tea and sing the US national anthem.”

Yep, Harry was back fucking about on a pony last week when he went to Colorado for yet another “charity” polo match– because apparently his skills only extend to playing this particular sport and picking family-destroying wives.

He even took part in a minute’s silence:

Probably for his testicles.

There to play on behalf of charity Sentebale, Harry took to the pitch– but this time without the support of his camera ever-loving wife, who must have had the plague or something to not be in attendance, because we all know she can’t miss a photo op.

“I have a touch of Ebola, but if there is a camera, I swear I will be there.”

I do also have to add that something is very wrong when a dude looks happier away from his wife than with her. I mean, I’m not just seeing things, am I? I never see him crack this much of a smile anymore when Meghan is in tow.

He looks like he’s been huffing at the laughing gas

I also get the feeling that he plays so much polo because it’s his last real ‘princely’ link to the UK and his old life. I mean honestly, what can an Eton-educated, croquet-playing, Moet-swilling Prince of the Realm really do in California? Sell food on the local beach?

“Form an orderly queue, yah and please be patient — I’ve never used a knife before unless it was to stab my family in the back.”

In any case, him and Poison Ivy are making their way over to England next week, so I daresay we’ll be subjected to more photos of him eating, drinking, playing more polo and farting.

The good news though, at least for Her Maj, is that Dumb & Dumber won’t be visiting The Queen, according to the latest reports this weekend.

“Thank fuck for that— I was going to pretend I’d died.”

So busy will they be partying in Dusseldorf and spouting shit at summits in Manchester that they simply do not have the time to chuck a visit in the direction of the British monarch.

“Well we were going to fly by Lizzie yah, but I simply shan’t have the time, what with all the costume changes between meals and having my arse wiped for me at your expense.”

Citing ‘security reasons’ as the excuse for not visiting the 96-year-old Queen while here in the UK, which is really fucking weird considering I’m sure the Sovereign has adequate protection, Harry and Meghan are giving it a swerve– although I suspect it’s more likely they simply cannot be fucked.

It’s really quite clear that they’ve used ‘security reasons’ as an excuse to stick two fingers up at The Queen because she won’t pay for them to have any while they are in the UK.

Seriously, just how childish can you get?

I recall Harry offering to pay for security with his ‘own money’ (lol still ours mate), but the Home Office Committee rejected this as ‘personal protective security by the police is not available on a privately financed basis’.

Prince Harry argued that he inherited a risk to his safety at birth due to his royal status.

Yeah and possibly due to the fact that you’re a prick

Listen mate, if you think we’re a bunch of yobs who are going to beat you up as soon as you step off your private jet, that’s all on you but can I make a better suggestion?

Honestly, neither of you are welcome anyway and we would personally rather invite Kim Jong-Un for dinner than see either of your faces.

Alrighty– well that’s it for now! I’m sure I’ll have plenty to report on next week when those two are here, so I’ll keep the laptop fired up and ready to go!

Before I do let you go though, there is one quick note from an ‘editorial’ point of view…

I have noticed my blog being discussed on many websites on the internet and while 99.9% of comments are favourable (thank you very much for the support, btw!), I’ve noticed some people getting a little twitchy over me making fun of the Cambridges in my posts too.

If it wasn’t clear already, I absolutely love the Cambridges and any teasing of them is entirely for a little lighthearted humour and because it would probably be boring to only take the piss out of the same two people all the time!

My photo captions of the Cambridges are not an accurate depiction of how I view them and I am only having a little fun– I promise! So please don’t worry and I hope you continue to enjoy the blog!

Until next time, have a great rest of the week, stay safe and we will catch up next week!

RIP Diana, Princess of Wales, who passed away 25 years ago yesterday ❤️

14 responses to “Royal round up: 1st September”

  1. Thanks Saffy for yet another jet fueled episode in “the life of the Royals -oops NOT royals”

    HMTQ IS in Balmoral & will not be coming down when the new PM is announced. They (please add a box with “None of the above”) will have to go to Balmoral to kiss the Queens gloved hands & ask to form a parliament – I really wonder if she has ever been tempted to say “FFS NO! You bunch of cretins” Which is how I am feeling about the entire group of folks who claim to “Work for the people” whilst ensuring everyone in the UK gets kicked in the goolies for no good reason, & is “mugged” on a daily basis as the House of “Commons” attendees stockpile as much money as they can……. Oh for a spring clean of all the parties & let’s look for people who are not dead from the neck up!

  2. Don’t worry about the naysayers…I’m team Cambridge and I know you’re joking about!

  3. Thank you so much for this. You are by far the best Royal commentator around.

  4. Dying laughing! Always so funny and accurate.

  5. I can’t believe that people are droning on about your funny quips about the Cambridges. I find those funnier than your comments about the Moanders of Montecito. My goodness, people are humourless.

  6. Thank you for the hilarious update, and glad you made it out of your spa break alive!

  7. Glad you enjoyed your spa time!

    Your post is brilliant, as always. Love the “Pulp Fiction”GIF. The Sussexes are the tacky gift that keeps on giving.

  8. Another hilarious post Saffy! Thanks a bunch for the laughs. I was very disappointed to hear you’ve been receiving negative comments. It’s bloody clear as glass that you’re using sarcasm and love the Cambridges’. I too love them, but I also find your comments on them hilarious! Keep it up girl. xoxox

  9. Great post and I love your quips about the Cambridges. Thanks for all the time and effort you put into making us laugh so much. You’re brilliant!

  10. One of your funniest and most inspired yet! Love that you spread it around, not just focusing on our favorite target. The RF bears some responsibility for this utter cluster-F for ever letting it get this far into the Twilight Zone.

  11. You have a great sense of humour and amazing writing skills! Your Cambridge jokes are hilarious, and we know you love them. The jokes are never offending, rather just relatable as parents, and the way how kids are. So no worries Saffy! Thanks again for taking the time, and making us laugh.

  12. Saffy, you are the best- so entertaining and funny! I concur with the previous comments especially about you re Cambridge joshing! I love the Cambridges and know you do too and your quips are just fun. So keep it going!

  13. Don’t understand why the like button doesn’t work for me anymore. It used to work. Oh well, I absolutely laughed out loud numerous times reading this today. Absolutely hilarious! Will have to post it on my Twitter so others can enjoy your talents for zinging the Harkles!

  14. Awesome post! Hopefully this comment will enable me to get posts right to my inbox, I don’t want to miss a single one!

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