[Double Bill] – Royal Round-Up: 24th August

Hello again!– And now for something a little more current, as promised!

Let’s take a look at the royal ‘highlights’ from the last week….

The Cambridges move to Berkshire

Yep, after the rumours swirled for months on end, we finally got confirmation a couple of days ago that the Cambridges are moving their main base to Berkshire– presumably to be closer to The Queen, whose primary base is currently Windsor Castle.

“It’ll be wonderful being closer to Gran, don’t you think?”
“Yes… and also, the wine fridge at Adelaide Cottage is far bigger.”

Kensington Palace announced the other day that William and Kate will be sending George, Charlotte and Louis to Lambrook School in Berkshire, where fees can total £21,000 a term!

“Oh thank fuck, mummy— for a second I was terrified we’d be going to a state school where they carry knives and no one has an au pair.”

We sort of saw this one coming anyway; the Queen is getting on a bit at 96, it’s closer to Kate’s parents and the Cambridges have never really seemed that keen on having London as their base anyway.

“Georgie, tell daddy we need to move because Kensington Palace is getting a tad cramped.”
“I mean, mummy is right, yah George — the palace is a frightful shithole.”

It also makes sense for them to do this now before they become King and Queen and are forced to spend a considerable amount of time in London again. I actually think it’s quite a good idea, but not everyone seems to share that view…

“I’m just saying – can you even consider it an en suite if it doesn’t have a Victorian bathtub?”

Of course, there was serious outrage (mainly among Daily Mail readers who are angry about everything anyway) over the fact that the Cambridges dared add another home to their portfolio.

Emmy in Dublin upset because she doesn’t have three homes

Ok firstly– Adelaide Cottage old as fuck.

“Wills, the bloody roof has come off again!”

No, really– it’s like 300 years old and is just sitting there gathering dust, so what’s the issue with them moving in? If no one inhabits it, there would be more complaints about it being a dRaIn On TaXpAyEr MoNeY while no one uses it, so I don’t personally see the issue if they’re using a property that’s already there. It’s not like they had a property built especially for them.

“Well, I did try my luck, but…”

Also, it’s not as if Kensington Palace hasn’t been well used: it’s been their base for like 10 years and as for Anmer Hall on the Sandringham Estate, they’re there every school holiday and for Christmas, so what’s the problem?

“I know there’s a cost of living crisis for you all and you can’t afford to heat your homes and buy food, but the kids really do have it tough deciding what colour they want to paint each of their three bedrooms.”

Will there be some renovation work done at our expense? Yeah, probably. As I said, it’s an old property and unless Kate wants to be wearing a ceiling tile as her next hat to Ascot, it will need a lick of paint or two.

“You like my hat? Why thank you. I just got it new from the dining room ceiling this morning!”

In any case, I hope they’re happy in Berkshire and with being closer to Kate’s parents and The Queen. Family is so important!

Meghan has a podcast

Jesus, just when I thought she had finally fucked off and left us all alone.

Yes, Madam has emerged from whatever cave she has been lying low in to let us know that she has a brand new podcast…. because it all went so well with the last one, didn’t it?

I have so much to say about this, but let me start by elaborating on the above… I could be wrong, but didn’t they only do one podcast for Arsehole Audio, or whatever they called it?

I know it’s a bit rich coming from me and my shitty and sporadic posting, but if they couldn’t keep up with the last one, why does Meghan think this will be any different?

And in my defence, I actually have a day job

I tried to drag myself through the nauseating drivel that was Meghan promising to show ‘the real her’ to us, like we haven’t already worked out that she’s a social-climbing, money-grabbing drifter who’s only out for herself.

Or did she mean the fake real Meghan, who paints herself as Diana 2.0, Mother Theresa and the Dalai Lama all rolled into one?

“Yes, in my spare time, I read to the blind, help the elderly across the road and volunteer at my local food bank.”

Honey, cut the shit. We all saw the real you about ten seconds after you started dating Harry, so spare us the crap and abandon this podcast like you did the last one.

Secondly, I’m finding it super amusing that Harry is sitting this one out. For those of you who have followed my blog from the start, I called it years ago that it was only a matter of time before Meghan started branching out on her own, after stepping on Harry’s head to get the status, and that appears to be exactly what she’s doing.

Although I don’t think Harry has quite worked it out yet…

“Babe, I think it would be great for our image to have me on your podcast, yah.”
“Why would we do that? I’m already a household name.”

Secondly– why do they still labour under the misapprehension that any of us care what either one of them has to say?!

This just reeks of narcissism.

She doesn’t care that no one else cares what she has to say– she just wants to hear her own voice on repeat. I still don’t understand the concept or purpose of this podcast. Who is it benefitting and why? Besides Meghan and her self-obsession of course.

I scrolled through an article on this because I didn’t care to read every last detail on what is essentially a huge vanity project, but the theme of this ‘podcast’ is quite clear based on what she is already saying: it’s obviously going to be used to bash the BRF and paint herself as the victim. Again.

She’s already dropped quite a clanger by claiming she was forced to “work” 1 hour a whole day when her baby caught fire or something.

I dunno, I wasn’t really listening

Ok, so from what I can ascertain from skimming a Sky News article, a heater was left on in Archie’s bedroom in September 2019 and it caught fire and Meghan was upset because she had to do an official engagement despite being ‘shaken’ by the incident.

I should point out that this was not Archie’s home bedroom– it was the nursery in the housing unit they were staying in at the time while on their tour of South Africa– and I should also add that Archie was not even in the room at the time.

“Fuck all happened, but I’m just so traumatised, yah.”

Ok, I’m not a mother and I’m sure it’s scary to hear of an incident that took place where your kid is, but I can’t be the only one thinking that she is being just a tiny bit dramatic?

Archie was downstairs with the nanny, totally unharmed, and yet Meg felt she was owed a day off (from shaking hands with people) because… a plug sparked? (And I think that was probably all that happened because we all know she has a tendency to bend the truth).

I mean… she has a proven history of spouting shit.

She said, and I quote:

There was this moment where I’m standing on a tree stump and I’m giving this speech to women and girls, and we finish the engagement, we get in the car and they say there’s been a fire at the residence. What? There’s been a fire in the baby’s room.

Meghan, Duchess of Exaggeration

I’m fairly certain no one just drops news like that on you without first re-assuring you that your kid is safe, but go off hun.

She also said:

In that amount of time that she (the nanny) went downstairs, the heater in the nursery caught on fire. There was no smoke detector. Someone happened to just smell smoke down the hallway, went in, fire extinguished. He was supposed to be sleeping in there.

…Yeah, but… he wasn’t. In fact, he had gone downstairs with the nanny. And if as a mother you’re leaving your baby to sleep somewhere without a smoke alarm and an electrical appliance on in the room, that’s a risk you have chosen to take. Don’t start trying to make the palace look bad and inhumane because you didn’t give a shit where you dumped your baby as long as you got five minutes away from him after a long flight.

“Here hold this— I need a spirulina shake and a nap STAT.”

She then went on to moan about how utterly shocking it was that she was expected to work after hearing the terrible news that a bit of smoke came out of a wire and her baby was nowhere near at the time.

“We came back. And, of course, as a mother, you go, ‘Oh, my God, what?’ Everyone’s in tears, everyone’s shaken. And what do we have to do? Go out and do another official engagement? I said, ‘This doesn’t make any sense.

Oh, shut the fuck up, babe.

Meghan’s idea of ‘work’ is showing her face for five minutes somewhere, shaking someone’s hand and leaving. And ‘shaken’ and ‘in tears’?

Bloody drama Queen

Meghan dearest, I’ve had a parent spent large swathes of time on a ventilator over the last 3 years, not knowing day to day if she was going to live or die (which is quite a distraction, would you believe), amidst a million other personal issues, and I was still expected to hold down a full-time job, working 9+ hours a day. And you’re upset because you couldn’t go home and put your feet up because nothing happened?

Bitch, try working in corporate – even if you die, they’ll still expect you to show up.

I swear I’ll stop going on about this fire now, but on a last point, South Africa can apparently reach up to 32 Celsius in September– why on earth was there a heater on? Surprised Archie didn’t catch alight on his own just from the room temperature.

“Not now darling— mummy’s trying to see how she can capitalise on this.”

All in all, this podcast is just going to be another method of bashing the royal family as much as she can because she knows she doesn’t grab headlines any other way unless it’s dragging the Queen and her fam through the mud.

Harry visits Rwanda

Like they haven’t been through enough.

For some reason, Harry has shown up in Rwanda to badger its citizens pay his respects for the victims of the Kigali Genocide.

Considering this event happened 28 years ago when he was 10, he’s a little late to the party.

He even kindly took the time to leave a note in the memorial book, writing:

I am profoundly moved by what I have witnessed. What an incredible show of unity and resilience we now see. Thank you for showing us all the way to healing and forgiveness. You are setting an example across the world.

Duke of Self-Obsession

Harryyyyy– shut up mate.

Why is it when I read the above, I don’t see a genuine heartfelt message– I see yet another swipe at the royal family (references to ‘healing’ and ‘forgiveness’) and giving himself and Meghan another pat on the back (‘unity and resilience’).

Honestly, the undertone of his wording is clear— and is there anything these two do where they don’t bring it all back to them and their lives and their “struggles“? Can Harry not focus on the task at hand for more than five minutes? Welp, apparently not.

During a speech at the UN last month, instead of focusing on the great continent of Africa and all it embodies, he instead veered off course talking about his own personal highlights which involved shagging his wife on a camping trip for 5 days in a tent in Botswana some 7 years ago:

Since I first visited Africa at 13 years old, I’ve always found hope on the continent. In fact, for most of my life, it has been my lifeline… It’s where I’ve felt closest to my mother and sought solace after she died, and where I knew I had found a soulmate in my wife.

Don’t forget the compulsory mention of Princess Diana to drum up some sympathy!

I swear if I hear about this camping trip one more time, I’m gonna lose my shit. I know Harry keeps trying to paint this like some amazing romantic 5-day date, but it lost any allure when he basically said he admired that Meghan could take a shit just about anywhere… because she did anywhere and everywhere on this trip, according to Harry.

“And as I watched her drop a deuce, drenched in sweat from the African afternoon sun and from straining too hard, before gracefully reaching for the fallen leaves from a Quiver Tree to wipe her arse which was now riddled with piles, I just knew I was besotted.”

I’d be willing to bet she realised you were her soulmate at that time too, when you flew her out to another continent on a private jet for a third date. Most people just grab Thai food or something.

“He had me at ‘luxury, all inclusive.”

But I digress.

In summary, I have no bloody clue what Harry is doing in Rwanda and I suspect they didn’t either.

The Sussexes are heading back to the UK


Why do these two insist on lingering like a pre-poo fart? I thought you hated us all in the UK, so why are you here!?

The more serious answer to that question is that they have found a summit of sorts to latch onto/speak at and we will all be forced to endure three full days of back-to-back ‘Harry and Meghan in the UK’ articles on the Daily Mail.

They are apparently attending the One Young World Summit in Manchester on 5th September because… reasons, I guess.

Apparently Her Royal Hypocrisy is a ‘counsellor’ for this initiative and will be giving a keynote speech at the opening ceremony… also for reasons I don’t understand.

“I am super passionate about teaching children everywhere how to grow up ungrateful, spoilt and malicious. Take me for example — I haven’t even spoken to my own father in 4 years! Not even when he had a stroke!”

They are apparently set to also attend the Wellchild Awards, where Harry will give a speech and no doubt make it all about himself again– like that time he fake cried on stage because he remembered he had a kid or when Meghan was pregnant or something– I don’t remember why now, but it doesn’t matter, it was pathetic and had nothing to do with the ceremony.

The poor cow next to him having to sew his balls back on for him is certainly RSVP’ing “no” to attending this year.

I tell ya, there’s a big focus here on childhood development (copying Kate a bit) for two people who admit they nearly left their baby in a burning room and seem to leave their kids with the nanny every four seconds so they can fly around the world and preach their nonsense to us all.

“The early years are so crucial and it’s hard work raising children— which is why we leave ours with the au pair as much as possible.”

No thanks.

And as they’re such big advocates for children’s wellbeing, surely then it’s off home to Cali to relieve the nanny of her duties, whereby they dumped their two kids on her so that they can have a jolly?

It’s then off to Dusseldorf, Germany to attend a ‘One Year To Go’ Event for the Invictus Games. I don’t mean any offence to Invictus when I say this, but what the fuck is the point of a countdown event? I’m not entirely sure what this even consists of, but it’s probably a piss-up.

“Honestly guys, can’t wait for Invictus!” *burps* “I’ll see you all here in Amsterdam in 2023!”
“This is Düsseldorf, sir.”
“Isn’t that what I said?”

In any case, for my fellow Brits, please join me in prayer that their visit to the UK will be quick and painless and that they’ll have fucked off back to California before we even know it.

Well my dears, that it’s for now– I’ve done a lot of blog writing today and very little work for my paid job, so I’m going to sign off now. I’m away at a spa weekend in Berkshire on Saturday as part of my birthday shenanigans, but I’ll be back soon enough.

Have a wonderful weekend when it comes (and happy bank holiday weekend to UK-based folk!) and I’ll see you all soon!

27 responses to “[Double Bill] – Royal Round-Up: 24th August”

  1. Sorry to hear that your parent’s health has been such a struggle. The constant worry and uncertainty must be a nightmare.
    Enjoyed your blog as I always do.
    Hope you enjoy your birthday shenanigans.
    For you and your family I wish the best.

    1. Many thanks for your kind words– absolutely it has been a rollercoaster! Thank you again and wishing you all the best too xx

  2. Well worth the wait!!!! Thank you and Happy Birthday!!!

    1. Thank you so much lovely! 🙂 xx

  3. “…lingering like a pre-poo fart”…OMG! You are leaving me in stitches!!! lmao…You are so right about it all. M must really hated Africa. Nothing nice from there in her memories. I think she expected to be a royal and only rub elbows with the rich and famous. She didn’t expect to shake hands, and be around so many regular folks.

    Thank you so much for using your valuable time entertaining us!!!! Make sure you don’t lose all your written blogs. They are correct and hilarious.

    1. Hahaha I’m so glad you enjoyed, honey! Completely agree with your comments on what her perception of being royalty must have been. She likened it more to being an A-lister in Hollywood I think. And you’re so very welcome– more posts to come, I promise this time! xx

  4. Great blog! Ah if only I known that a smoking heater would have gotten me out of work and sympathy. I just turned mine off/unplugged it/aired the room and went on with my day.

    1. Right!? We missed a trick there! Thank you my love xx

  5. Sorry you’ve had some unpleasant messages. It’s not an easy task putting something like this together, gathering all the clips etc and writing something witty when you’ve got other things on your mind. I don’t think some people realise how time-consuming it can be, but you always make the spectacle of the Sussexes funny and enjoyable. It’s too easy sometimes to get so irritated by their shenanigans that one ends up feeling affected by the toxicity of it all, but you always keep things light and witty, not an easy task especially with everything else you’re going through. So, many thanks for keeping going; you are much appreciated!

    1. This is an incredibly sweet message– thank you so very much. I’m really glad you’re enjoying the blog and appreciate the support more than you know! Thank you again 🙂 xx

  6. Can’t believe you’re finally back and in rare form to boot! My eye crap is all smeared now from laughing. You manage to put it all in perspective while giving us your inimitable take on these two utter douche nozzles. Thanks sweet one, and enjoy your spa weekend and, in fact, anything you do or partake of!

    1. Hello lovely! So good to hear from you and thank you for the warm wishes and kind words 🙂 I always appreciate it! Take care xx

  7. I ve missed you and your hilarious and snarky commentary! So sorry to hear you dealing with lots of personal stuff. Life can be so joyous and yet so difficult. Hope you have a wonderful bday celebration and thanks for posting. Always enjoy it very much when you do!

    1. Thank you so much my lovely! I always appreciate your comments and support– so glad you’re enjoying the blog 🙂 xx

  8. Perfect timing Saf, I needed a good laugh today!

    1. Hope I could cheer you up! xx

  9. Lovely to read your blog as always…Have a very happy birthday lovely and a Ab Fab weekend!🎂🍰🥂🧁🍹

    1. Thank you so much my darling! xx

  10. Thank you for your lovely post. You have put a lot of work into it. I have shared it over on my Tumblr page, giving you credit. Please advise me, if you do not want this though.

    Thank you

    Susanne from susasusastyle

    1. You are ever so welcome, my love! Absolutely fine for you to share away! 🙂 Thank you for doing so! xx

  11. Thank you very much, most enjoyable, and funny!

    1. Thank you my love– so glad you enjoyed! xx

  12. As ever, a brilliant piece of truth versus ignorance!

    1. Thank you my darling! ❤️

  13. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to keep us in stitches with laughter! I have trouble just managing daily life at the moment, let alone making time to compile a clever and witty blog.

    I really feel for the stress you have been going through with your Mum. I’m hope she is on the mend and that you are coping ok.

  14. I really missed your posts and your humour! So glad to hear you haven’t given up with the blog. Keep up the great work and post when you can.

    1. Thank you so very much love! xx

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