Royal round-up: 5th July

Hello lovelies and welcome once again to the royal round up– it’s been a minute! Honestly, I feel like it’s been so long since I wrote on here now, I’ve almost forgotten how to do it!

What is this fuckery?

Firstly, a massive thank you to all for the wonderfully warm and supportive comments regarding my mum; I’m pleased to say she is almost back to full strength now and doing very well at home, while my brother and I take care of her. I think she’ll be fine now, fingers crossed!

In other news, a lot of shit has floated under the royal bridge while I’ve been on my “hiatus”, and I don’t really know where to begin, so let’s pick at some of the bigger headlines that have emerged over the last month or so and see if we can wrap our heads around the fuckery…

Meghan and Harry flip burgers

What a sight to behold.

In a desperate attempt to make it look like they actually give a shit about helping other people amidst a global pandemic, and perhaps to practice for their future jobs at Shake Shack, Harry and Meghan headed over to ‘Homegirl Cafe’ (I think that’s what it was called anyway) to help prepare food with youths for those struggling during the COVID-19 crisis.

Although I’m sure Meghan was having a bit of a tough time with the fact that you couldn’t actually see who she was with all the PPE gear on:

”Well this is just fucking great Harry, how will anybody know this is the Great Meghan Markle under this hairnet and shitty mask?!”

Harry, who couldn’t recall ever eating a burger previously unless he was half cut and standing in the local kebab joint after a wild night out at Mahiki, seemed to struggle at first with the notion of putting a burger patty between two bits of bread.

”Just stop fucking shouting at me Meghan yah, this is more difficult than it looks… I don’t even know what a rolling pin is meant to look like. It must so stressful working at Greggs.”

However, Meghan was proud to put her burger-flipping skills to use, as she had already acquired plenty of experience with this previously– and she was keen to show this off.

“So you just slide in the lettuce and tomato like so… I sometimes add kale, spirulina and the tears of my ex husbands for a real, full-bodied flavour.”

A spokesperson for Harry and Meghan, who should probably also be bound and gagged along with the gruesome twosome, apparently said that the visit ‘reminded Meghan of her previous trip to the Luminary Bakery in London’.

Shouldn’t be too tough to remember — it was basically the only fucking engagement she did at the back end of 2019

The manager at Homegirl Cafe went on to say that the Sussexes are both ‘down to earth and kind’, which left me nearly choking to death on my coffee. Down to earth? KIND?

Ah yeah— that “down to earth”, girl next door, right?

Yeah. If I were Megs and Haz, I’d drop the good samaritan bullshit and stay home; there is nothing worse than two people so out of touch with reality that they can’t see the wood for the trees. No thanks.

The royals return to engagements


After what seems like a bloody eternity, it seems the Cornwalls and the Cambridges have begun resuming royal duties (at a safe and social distance).

Prince William kicked things off by visiting some local businesses in Norfolk, in order to encourage support for small businesses as they try and get back on their feet following the tsunami of COVID-19 devastation.

And he even got some cake out of it! On the eve of his 38th birthday, the cafe presented The Duke of Cambridge with some cake for him to take home and share with his wife and children, which was a very sweet gesture from the staff.

“Cheers for the cake— haven’t got any vodka though as well, do you? Kate and I are gonna get well rat-arsed once the kids are in bed.”

But the Duke was in high spirits, joking about the waistlines of the nation as everyone has been eating more in lockdown and joking that his kids have “destroyed” the kitchen.

“Speaking of which, I’ll just nick a few of these for George, Charlotte and Louis’s breakfast in the morning. Think Catherine and I might be too hungover to actually feed them a cooked meal.”

Meanwhile, on Mrs Cambridge’s side, The Duchess resumed duties with a visit to The Nook, a children’s hospice just outside of Norfolk, where she got to meet with some of the families whose children were now in the facility’s care.

Catherine was even given a wristband by one of the children, which she enthusiastically donned as she arrived at the centre.

”Thank you ever so much. I mean, it’s not a Cartier, but it will certainly do.”

The Duchess of Cambridge even got involved in some gardening, which she appeared to enjoy, as she allegedly has a green thumb.

“Hm… it’s quite a lot of fun, this gardening business, isn’t it?”
“Actually fuck it, it’s on my dress. Sorry, this cost like two grand, let’s just call it a day.”

And lastly, Prince William celebrated the UK’s re-opening of the hospitality industry by sitting down for a pint at a Norfolk pub.

”Just before I touch anything, you have actually sanitized and wiped down every surface first, yah? We can’t have two future Kings winding up with Corona— we’re dangerously close to eradicating the line of succession altogether at this rate.”

Whilst there, William also ate some chips and chatted to the owners about their reopening plans, and how things would work in a “new” world.

“So people order drinks through an app, there are hand sanitizer stands, you put the social distance markings down on the floor… and then people all get pissed after four pints and forget to stay away from each other? That’s how it works, yah?”

On a more serious note, it really is good to see the royals getting back to engagements as the United Kingdom comes out of lockdown and moves toward a new era. Hopefully we’ll be seeing more of them soon!

“I mean, Kate pulls a good pint, but this is absolutely cracking, yah.”

Harry has cabin fever and Meghan is miserable

Oh dear, are things not quite working out in La La Land as Thing 1 and Thing 2 had originally hoped?

So current reports that are being circulated throughout the media indicate that things aren’t so rosy for Meghan and Harry in the USA at the moment. I mean, I can see where the problem lies:

They left a life of luxury behind (where the Queen would probably rather use a ceremonial sword to wipe her arse than let Meghan back into the fold), they don’t actually have a home to speak of (still sofa surfing at Tyler Perry’s?), they can’t make any real money due to the pandemic (I don’t think any of the McDonalds staff are allowed back to work yet in LA) and to top it all, most of the planet seems to think they are a pair of wankers.

It’s really no surprise that they are both feeling the heat now– especially since they are trapped during lockdown together, and we all know how tense that can make things with those you live with:

”For fuck’s sake Harry, this was NOT my fault— it was clogged long before I got in here, you speck of shit!”

But all that aside, Harry is apparently now ‘feeling upset’ over the breakdown of his relationship with his family in the UK– likely because he has now realised that having to get a job and actually work, instead of being a Prince sat on your arse, is not all it’s cracked up to be.

“… I just don’t know how to pay taxes, yah— I only know how to spend them.”

And what of Meghan?

Apparently she is ‘feeling extremely low’ and ‘struggling’ with her new life in LA, as things haven’t gone quite as planned.

Yeah, for you and the rest of the fucking planet, darling; 4 months ago, a shit tonne of people across the UK within the hospitality industry all lost their jobs due to the pandemic, haven’t been able to get a new job, afford their bills or to put food on the table, some have had to close their businesses and are having to completely rebuild their lives….

…but I’m sure they’ll spare a thought and a moment of silence for a spoilt, entitled brat who left a ROYAL family because that level of luxury just wasn’t enough for her, and is now holed up in an $18 million mansion in California.

The rest of the world

Even more interestingly, the article goes on to say that Meghan has become ‘more introverted’ over the last few weeks and that ‘the family are worried about her’… First of all:

What fucking family might that be?

I doubt if the Queen, Charles, Camilla, Kate or William give a flying one about how Meghan Markle is doing, especially since she has basically wrecked their entire family and made a real mug of the monarchy.

And secondly… Introverted? The only reason people like her are ever quiet is because they’re plotting their next move. In her case, it’s probably tampering with the brakes on the Cambridges’ car or fucking with the engine on whatever aircraft they take next.

“Sorry Harry, I know they’re your family yah, but if we ever want to have any money ever again, we’re gonna have to become King and Queen… so I have an idea…”

In any case, I’m glad to hear they are up shit creek without a paddle– it’s pretty much all they deserve after shitting all over our public and monarchy. And as long as they don’t think they can worm their way back in, we’re pretty much golden.

Harry and Meghan’s $1million speeches

Like it’s not painful enough to hear them talk for free.

So apparently in a bid to make more money, and because they really seem to love the sound of their own voices and think everyone else does too, Dumb and Dumber signed up to an agency that would allow them to make up to $1 million per speech.

However, there is just one tiny problem with this:

I mean, we’ve all heard their speeches in the past; do Harry and Meghan really think the world needs two ex-royals prattling on about gender equality, education for women and any other crap that drifts into their small brain capacity, as though any of us really give a shite what either of them think?

Why don’t we revisit some of their previous speeches, in case you’re not quite following what I’m saying:

“And while we might take around thirty private jets a year, we would urge you to do differently. Fly commercial. Be aware of the environment. And don’t watch our holidays to Ibiza— we’ll plant some trees and shit to offset it.”
“And even though I’ve spent 20 years calling myself Caucasian on my resume, now that I’m on a continent that is predominantly black, I will play to my biracial heritage to make myself seem more relatable to you— even though I live on the Queen of England’s property, have a Prince for a husband and an HRH title. Otherwise— we are exactly the same.”
“It was a huge honour to become involved in this project, where we help clothe women who can’t afford it, in preparation for job interviews. I’ve marked this special occasion by wearing a £1,200 Givenchy shirt— just like I have done to most of my engagements with you guys. I mean, YOU may not be able to afford clothes, but I certainly can.”

Meghan– nobody wants to pay you $1million to hear you turn just about any current global issue into a story about yourself, because this appears to be a recurring theme with you.

“So today I’d like to talk about WW2. Well the USA were in that war, and I’m from the USA originally so I know a lot about America, and that’s exactly how I bring back every story to something about me.”

As for Harry, who can barely string a sentence together unless it somehow involves mentioning his wife, I don’t reckon many care for what he has to say either– especially since most of his speeches start with “my wife recently said…” or “my wife always says…”…. Honestly– you’d think Harry was a puppet and Meghan a ventriloquist with her hand up his arse.

“I mean, who can even remember what I used to talk about before my wife stuck her hand up my anus?”

In short– no fucking thanks. I’d rather listen to cats wailing on repeat for 24 hours then hear Markle and Hazbeen open their mouths ever again.

Harry and the Diana Award

Speaking of Harry, speeches and always dragging his wife into them, this brings me nicely to my next point… the clusterfuck that was Harry’s speech in relation to the award named after his mother.

Now, don’t get me wrong; for all of Harry’s faults, Diana was still his mum and he does have the right to speak where she is concerned, but…. does anyone else feel that the second Harry and Meghan feel things aren’t going too well for them, they play the ‘Diana card’?

Might help his cause a bit more if he wiped that smug prick expression off his face

Prince William doesn’t just trot his mum’s name out for a bit of good press, so why Harry does this, I don’t know– maybe he thinks if he bleats on enough about his highly popular mother, he will be ‘gently reminding’ people that solely because he is her offspring, we should all be forgiving him any mistakes or bad behaviour?

“I know I’ve been a prized dickhead, married an idiot, torn my family apart, previously dressed up as a Nazi and called my army comrades racist names, but now that I’ve married a biracial woman— oh, and don’t forget that my mum was Princess Diana— I think you should all forgive me, yah.”

I mean really, it’s laughable that Harry decided to go on the ‘black lives matter’ warpath, attempting to educate us all on how to put a stop to racism when he has barely apologised for his own actions. He went on to say, “institutional racism has no place in our societies”. Hmm— too true…

Where was I? Oh yes– Prince Harry telling us how not to be racist, solely because he married a biracial woman and thinks this puts him in good stead to tell us what to do on this front.

Seriously, fuck off Harry; when you dressed up as a Nazi and used racial slurs toward your army comrades, you were more than old enough then to know what you were doing– the only difference is that you had Daddy and Granny wipe your arse clean for you, so that the media could only drag you so far across the coals.

Don’t commit acts of racism and then proceed to tell us all how to conduct ourselves; if people are dragging down statues of those who have been dead for centuries because of their links to slavery, we’re not likely to forgive you for something you said less than a decade ago while you were on a tour of duty representing the UK.

“I know I called him a Paki yah, but it was just a joke… I don’t think he’s even from Pakistan.”

Please sit down, shut up and stick some duct tape over your wife’s mouth while you’re at it as well.

Meghan’s a pompous and difficult arse who doesn’t use her brain

Ok, that’s not quiiiiite how the headline wrote it, but we got the general gist.

So about a week or so ago, The Daily Mail ran an article whereby palace staff had allegedly passed comment on Meghan’s difficult nature and the way in which she conducted herself, especially where her entourage were concerned.

“Just fucking move your scrawny legs and boney arse where I tell you to, Meghan… NO, we do not have time for a yoga class!”

Apparently Meghan’s 5am starts and her tendency to ‘bombard’ palace aides with texts and emails at ungodly hours, astonishingly, really pissed her team off.

My work does emergency alerts for our building and on Christmas morning last year at 6am, I got an alert saying there’d been a burst water main on the 62nd floor, like I was meant to give a shit at that hour AND while I was off for Christmas.

Actual footage of me last Christmas

So I can only imagine how Meghan’s team must have felt with her ridiculous demands before the crack of dawn; at least I’m not having to put with diva demands at that hour.

”Are you sure this is matcha tea? Smells more like last week’s bins.”
“My fucking yoga ones— WHERE ARE THEY?!”
“Is there fucking EGG in this eggs benedict?! Take it away!”

In addition to this, aides apparently added that Meghan ‘never did her research properly’ and ‘would rush into things without thinking’. I mean, I don’t know why they were surprised, as that was basically her approach when it came to marrying Harry, but there you go.

“I mean, I know nothing at all about the family. I don’t even know who your monarch is. Or if you even have one! Hell, I don’t even know who Prince Harry is!”
”Get the fuck off the back of my dress— I have about thirty seconds to get down that aisle before Harry realises he’s making a huge mistake.”

But when it came to a lack of research, this may have been her biggest downfall, as Meghan apparently ‘rushed into supporting patronages without really knowing their history’.

“Meghan, I wouldn’t advise supporting that charity— the former chair was sacked for involvement with sex trafficking.”
“Do I look like I give a shit? I gotta back SOME charities before The Queen realises I’m only spending all her money and not doing any work.”

Yes Meghan– much like your husband rushed into marrying you without really knowing your own history, it seems you apparently do the same with your “work”.

I’d also say this stuff was pretty evident; Meghan didn’t really take over many patronages while she was in the UK, and the ones she did support were a bit… meh. I’m not taking anything away from the likes of Grenfell, but it would’ve been a good opportunity for her to find something more original and niche, rather than just jumping on the bandwagon and raising money for something that has already raised millions, just because you thought it was good for your image to back some great British tragedy.

Other than that, there was that Smartworks crap, where she has probably paid two visits within the last year, and then the Queen handed her a patronage of the National Film Theatre, which she only visited once, so…. she can’t really know a tremendous amount about these places.

Apart from the best angles to have her “baby bump” snapped, maybe

In any case, given the way she has conducted herself over the past two years with all the grace of a bull in a china shop, I wouldn’t say these particular claims by palace staff were unfounded. I just really hope they dish up more dirt on her soon– I could do with a laugh.

Meghan felt unprotected by the palace while ‘pregnant’

Poor baby!

Honestly, my heart genuinely broke while reading this; rich, titled woman married to a Prince and expecting a child in line for the throne, hiding behind the walls of her palace with taxpayer funded security and PR teams, did not feel protected by the royal establishment.

Seriously, what the fuck?

Short of naming her a Saint in the Church of England, what else did she really think the family could have done to protect her? Especially since all she did was embarrass them repeatedly and fail to keep her mouth shut where PR leaks were concerned.

“Oh my God you guys, it was just soooo stressful in England yah; they only gave me 10 armed bodyguards, a gated property and access to private jets— I just didn’t feel protected at all.”

You are a tired old crumpet pushing 40– not a baby learning to walk– how much ‘protection’ did you really need?

It seems to me that Meghan genuinely believed the Royal Family would take out lawsuits against the media for reporting things that were actually true.

Yes, you were married once (or twice) prior to Harry.
Yes, you did ditch your father for simply speaking to the press, while keeping other toxic people in your life.
Yes, you did put marijuana in goodie bags at your (second?) wedding, which technically makes you a drug dealer.

Yes, you did ask random journalists in the UK to set you up with ‘anyone rich and famous’.
Yes, you did shag Harry while you were living and in a relationship with another man.
Yes, you did mail your wedding and engagement rings back to your former husband because you couldn’t be arsed to do it in person.
Yes, you did clear an entire section at Wimbledon because you thought you were too important to sit near people.

You have done all of these things! How the fuck are the royal family meant to go out on a limb defending you when you are a total car crash all on your own, with total disregard for your new family’s image?

Her lawyers also went on to say that Meghan’s ‘mental health was damaged’ due to ‘press coverage of her while pregnant’.

Didn’t stop you from holding on to your stomach for 9 months though, did it?

I’d also argue that she’s been mentally damaged for years and long before she joined the royal family, but her actions are sort of doing that for me.

And I’m confused: I thought this was the woman who said she ‘didn’t read tabloids about herself’ because she thought it ‘was far too damaging for her’… so… I take it that was all bullshit then, just like most other things that have come out of her mouth in the last 4 years?

You said it.

And in any case, if she was also listening to public opinion where people have actively voiced where she was going wrong, why didn’t she bother trying to take the advice onboard and fix up, rather than fleeing the country ‘in tears’ because she was nowhere near as popular as she would have liked?

Oh, I know why– maybe because she never had any intention of staying in England or within the royal family.

British citizenship? No thanks.

Hun, you’ve had your own agenda from Day 1 and have been pushing it pretty much from the get-go; you can’t be angry because people have seen through you and don’t want to entertain your shit anymore. If you don’t want to be part of our Royal Family, then you are not at liberty to be protected by them either– especially since we all knew the end game was to leave the UK with your title, as much money as possible and the notion that you are a ‘victim’ for good measure.

We’ve all seen through you this side of the pond– it won’t be long before America does either.

“Now go on, piss off and keep your boney feet out of one’s kingdom or I’ll have your head chopped off.”

Well that’s all for now, my dears; I think I have covered as much of the shitstorm as I can from recent weeks, but now that all seems to be back to normal in my personal life, I will pick up the weekly postings again.

For now, stay safe, stay well and enjoy the last little bit of the weekend! Until next time…. 💋