Royal Round-Up: 6th February

Hello everyone and welcome to another Royal Round-Up! I hope you’ve all had a good weekend!

I spent mine eating as much cheese as possible

Well there’s been a few items floating around in the press to cover off and I really didn’t know where to begin, so I decided I’ll start with the one I missed off last time….

Harry’s Interview with Stephen Colbert

So as promised, I am going back a little in time and covering off Harry’s painfully embarrassing interview with Stephen Colbert earlier this month.

Because nothing screams ‘royalty’ like sitting down on late-night TV to chat shit about your fam

I know the Royal Family, like any other, has likely been dysfunctional since the dawn of time and probably aired their own grievances with one another, but I guess they just didn’t have the technology and platform to do it so publicly before. I’m trying to imagine how that would have gone centuries ago…

“Things have been rocky for a while now– I blame my husband and his affairs.”

Anne, give it a rest– that was bloody ages ago, get over it now.”

“Aye you can shut up and all, Henry– don’t think I don’t know you were banging that trollop from Number 9 behind my back when I was in labour with little Lizzie. Don’t make me put this on Insta.”

But not one to miss an opportunity to take aim at his family, Harry sat down with Stephen in New York to drag them some more, all while downing some tequila and laughing his head off.

“Get these down you Stevie, yah– Megs doesn’t allow me to drink and made a Voodoo doll of the last friend that took me for a beer.”
“…Voodoo doll? Actually Harry, if you don’t mind, let’s take this off air– this year’s off to a bad enough start if I’m sitting here interviewing you, I don’t need any extra shit luck.”

But there to promote his “book”, Harry talked about some of the ‘pain’ he had experienced throughout his life, including his brother, The Prince of Wales, allegedly ignoring him when they were both students at Eton.

Stephen went on to joke:

That’s heartbreaking. To be rejected by his older brother at school even though that magic hat sorted them into the same house. What do you think? Hufflepuff? Gryffindor?

Well I think we all know which house Harry would belong to

Oh do grow some balls, Henry; does he think his relationship with William is unique? Show me a pair of siblings where the older one hasn’t avoided the younger one at school at some point so they don’t look stupid in front of their mates?

My little brother is a lot younger than me and I used to physically throw myself against my bedroom door and hold it closed when I was a teenager and had mates over so that he couldn’t come in and just sit there, doing nothing and not actually bothering me.

“Just fuck off and sit downstairs with mum and dad– I’m busy sneaking booze into my room with my mates!”

If he honestly thinks this is a source of ‘pain and trauma’, it doesn’t surprise me that he’s such a pansy.

Stephen also joked that the book was available in ‘hardback, audiobook and commemorative royal plate’, as though Harry’s little book of stories are even worth the scraps of paper they’re printed on, let alone a whole fucking plate.

Though at least I could always tear pages out of the book and use them to wipe my arse if there’s ever another deadly virus and episodes of people panic buying toilet paper

But if this wasn’t bad enough, some anecdotes from the book are touched on; there is one where Meghan allegedly bought an ornament with The Queen’s face on it from some kind of shop near their home in California– which Harry promptly stuck on the Christmas tree for some reason, rather than querying why his wife was mocking his grandmother.

“That’s stunning Meghan, babes– it truly captures her generous spirit.

The story after this is that Archie was running about, knocked the tree stand and send the ornament flying, causing it to smash into smithereens on the ground– something that Mummy Meghan probably orchestrated as she was probably hoping Harry would simply laugh at the bauble and toss it to one side rather than putting at the front of the tree.

“Shit, what? It was a joke, Harry. Throw it away, it’s spoiling the decorations from Tiffany’s.”

But try as she may, Meghan just couldn’t get Harry to part with the bauble that held his darling grandmother’s face on it… so she had to resort to more drastic measures.

“So Archie, we’re just going to make it look like we’re adjusting the star and then– OH LOOK AT THAT, he’s fallen in and broken the Queen’s bauble, along with his right arm. What a shame! Guess it has to go in the trash now. The bauble, I mean– not Archie.”

But so touched by his rambunctious son trashing the living room was he, that Harry consulted a medium to find out just what his mum was thinking watching all of this from Heaven– because apparently she has nothing better to do up there.

Apparently the “”psychic”” ‘already knew’ about the bauble-breaking incident because ‘she had been talking to Harry’s late mother from beyond the grave for some time’.

Yeah, I’m sure out of all of the people the former Princess of Wales would sit down and chat to from the afterlife, it’s some old hippie from Santa Monica who smells like weed and looks like a foot with hair.

“And then… she touched my hands like this… and it felt like my mum was in the room, smacking my hands again for getting into the vodka cabinet– I mean– cookie jar. From a distance, I could hear her voice… almost as though she were in the next room… her accent sounded a little different though? Almost like she was trying to put on a British one rather than actually being British?”
“Yeah, yeah… that’s so weird… I for one think her British accent was super amazing and believable and sounded exactly like her, but maybe that’s just me. I mean, if that was an actress pretending to be her, y’know, she’d be in the running for an Oscar for sure.”

There were a series of random questions also posed to Harry, with these questions for Colbert’s guests usually including things like what their favourite sandwich is (who gives a shit) and what app they use most on their phone; Harry’s is likely to be something related to meditation or an app Meghan has created that he listens to while sleeping so she can brainwash him.

“And when you wake up, you will write to your father about how you and I should be King and Queen after him and Camilla instead.”

Stephen also asked Harry if he watches The Crown on Netflix, to which Harry confirmed he had ‘seen’ the show. He was also asked if he ‘fact-checked’ the show, to which he confirmed he did.

Now I don’t know about you, but given Harry and Meghan’s track record, I wouldn’t trust either one of them to ‘fact check’ anything. It would be like asking Stevie Wonder to describe the colours in a painting to you.

“It doesn’t have to be accurate as long as our stupid fans eat it up, yah.”

Harry also told Stephen that owing to the above, it was important that ‘history got it right this time’– while he pointed to his memoir like it was The Bible.

Thanks Harry, but when it comes to historical facts, I think I’ll find myself another book. Judging by your previous interviews, you have a hard time keeping your story straight, so I expect Spare isn’t too different.

“So Harry, you speak quite a lot about your childhood trauma in this book…”

“Do I? I honestly can’t remember Steve– I didn’t even write the bloody thing. If it references getting shitfaced or shagging supermodels though, that was definitely me. Not sure about the rest.”

He goes on to tell Colbert, of the British media:

This is the other side of the story, after 38 years. They told their side of the story. This is the other side of the story. There’s a lot in here that perhaps makes people feel uncomfortable and scared.


Uncomfortable hearing about your purple penis and shagging some chick in a field behind a pub when you were 17? Yeah, a little.

Scared? I’m not sure about that one. My only fear is that you’re going to bring up your Crown Jewels some time again in the near future and we’ll all be forced to listen.

“If you think the frostbite sounds bad, you should hear about the time I had gonorrhea.”

Anyway, the interview was a load of crap and it was quite clear Stephen was making fun of him for most of it, but Harry was too dim to notice. I await the next late-night interview with eager anticipation.

William and Kate prepare Charlotte for her future role

Off the back of Harry whining that he has had a privileged upbringing with all the perks of being a royal and none of the burdens of being a future monarch like his brother, an article or two were put out regarding Princess Charlotte’s future role and purpose within the monarchy.

“Having a bloody good time at the expense of the taxpayer, that’s what.”

Being her own ‘spare’ to Prince George’s ‘heir’, it will of course come with some trials and tribulations– but nothing that parents William and Catherine cannot help her navigate, according to the Daily Mail.

Within their article, it is noted that the royal parents ‘have it all figured out’ when it comes to how Charlotte will support her big brother– likely a snap back at Harry for his previous comments.

“How quaint, Harry; why don’t you focus your efforts on worrying about how your own kids are going to turn out with parents as fucked up as you two?”

This was likely (largely) due to Harry’s previous comments about his niece Charlotte and how she will be relegated to being a ‘background player’ when brother George becomes King.

He had ‘expressed concern’ that she wouldn’t be at the ‘forefront of everything’ once she becomes an adult– clearly assuming that everyone is as much of an attention-seeker as he is.

“Dude, I could not give less of a shit– I already have plans to move to the Caribbean and open a rum-shack called ‘Princess Charlotte’s Proper Piss-Up’. You can stay in England and shake people’s hands while standing in the rain if you want.”

It is said that The Prince and Princess of Wales are putting every effort into giving their children the most normal upbringing possible, in a bid to level them as they grow up and ensure they have a proper understanding of regular life.

“Charlotte, where the fuck’s the chauffeur with the Ferrari? I’m late for school, yah.”
“Can’t you just take the Bentley for one day, George? Also, Cook says your breakfast is on the table. It was sourdough toast with quail eggs, quinoa and caviar, right?”
“Well I’ll see you fuckers later– I’m taking the chopper to the South of France for a wine tasting sesh with the Kardashians. Don’t wait up.”

All jokes aside, I’m sure Charlotte will be fine; she is unlikely to be as insecure as her near-40-year-old uncle who has a stick up his arse because he’s not going to sit on the throne one day.

So concerned is Harry about his niece and nephews that he never fucking bothers to see, that he felt the need to bring them up in an interview, along with discussing how he had broached the subject with his elder brother previously. He said:

Though William and I have talked about it once or twice, and he has made it very clear to me that his kids are not my responsibility, I still feel a responsibility.

Out of those three children, at least one will end up like me, the spare. And that hurts, that worries me.

Mate, he’s told you to mind your own business, so please feel free to do just that.

What ‘responsibility’ does Harry feel he has for three children he turned his back on and only mentions when he can use them as a springboard for his own personal and selfish gain? I’d be fuming if I was William.

“I’m just saying Wills, yah– I feel a duty to those children when ensuring they grow up to be as bitter and immature as I am. Who else is going to teach them those values and support George in this when he’s King?”

“Harry, by the time George is King, you’ll be lucky to even be cleaning the palace bogs, let alone advising the monarch.”

Honestly, I still don’t get what Harry’s issue was with his life? That one goes for Meghan too. They had probably the best position in the monarchy where they had the perks, the limelight– but none of the trappings of being Monarch and Consort one day. I’d have been having the time of my bloody life!

During the day I’d be all like:

“Yes, it’s positively wonderful to meet you and discuss this amazing initiative. Very excited to be here and all that.”

But at night I’d be back in the palace, kicking my £400 heels off like:

“I’m home, peasants: bust out the Cristal champagne and send one of the aides out for a Chinese– I’m off to sit in the hot tub and catch up on ‘Love Is Blind’.”

Harry dear, as William has said, do mind your own business and stop pretending you genuinely give a shit. I’d leave this one to their actual parents to worry about.

“Wills, when we said ‘normal upbringing’, we still meant with the expensive boarding schools, skiing holidays to Aspen and a house full of staff, right?”
“No shit babes, what do you think I am, a goat-herder? We ain’t rolling with anything less than 5-star and private jets, baby girl.”
“And that kind of leadership talk is exactly why I married him.”

The Princess of Wales’s engagements

Well, she’s been a busy girl over the last couple of weeks and I can barely keep up, so I will try and break down her engagements as best I can.

Firstly, Kate held a meeting at Windsor Castle for the Early Years Advisory Group at the end of January.

“Good morning, all. Sorry I’m late– I sunk a bottle of Chablis last night and my PA had a bit of trouble getting me out of bed this morning.”

The Princess, 41, held the meeting to talk to the newly-appointed Early Years experts she has chosen, in order to aid her with her research as the project continues its successful journey.

“So how it normally works is that you do all the research and compile the reports, email it back to me and then I’ll get a fierce blow-dry, throw on a fabulous outfit and present it to everyone, pretending I did all the work… Don’t look so worried, yah– we’ll loan you a MacBook Pro and a £5 M&S voucher for lunch every day.”

The advisors brought onboard have already made sizeable contributions to the project, supporting the Princess and the centre and in their work, and providing Catherine with some essential tools along the way.

“Sorry, I missed that bit, my air pods were in– can you please repeat?”

“Which part, Your Royal Highness?”

“The last half an hour maybe…?”

But the following day, it was on to another engagement– this time with husband Prince William as the pair visited Windsor Foodshare near their home in Berkshire– a food bank providing essential supplies for those in need.

“Thanks, just try not to shut my fucking coat in the car door though please– it’s a £6000 bespoke Chanel.”

The royal couple came to hear more about the centre’s work helping those who are struggling financially in the current climate and unable to put food on the table for their families due to the Cost of Living crisis in the UK.

The pair helped out pulling food parcels together for the locals and chatting with staff as they did so.

It’s so important to visit places like this as it really humbles us. I mean, we’ve all faced financial difficulties at some point in life; I’m sure you have too, Your Highness?”
“…Not really, no.”

But it seems like two of them really got stuck in to the day and had a good time helping out the staff at the centre.

“So Wills, if you just grab those potatoes for me over there–“

“Good idea babes– you did say you were doing steak and mash tonight. Saves us stopping off at Tesco on the way home.”

“…No darling, they’re for the food packages, not our supper.”

Following their visit, the centre gushed about how ‘hands on’ the Prince and Princess were and how ‘keen’ they were to get stuck in and help physically, rather than just standing and watching.

“So if you’re happy to help out, Your Highness, I’ll just take you this way?”

“Right, well I think ‘happy’ is a bit of a fucking jump, but I’ll give it a go for 10 minutes, I guess.”

The couple also shared that their kids were aware of the foodbank as their private Berkshire school, Lambrook, is a known supporter of the project.

“Yes, the children brought home a letter about the food bank and we wanted to help out. I mean, the school does do a lot though; we pay £20,000 a year for each child but they managed to donate some cornflakes, at least.”

One member of the centre talked about how the couple were really thrilled about the respect that is given to those who need the service, with Kate in particular expressing how impressed she was. They said of the Princess:

They were both also really taken about the respect we offer people, our clients. And Kate liked the fact that we have children in here and learn very early on that others are not as fortunate as them.

Jane, a volunteer at Foodshare

It was a great learning curve for the couple, who could easily identify with some of the struggles.

“Wait, no, sorry! I do remember a time when we struggled financially. Wills– do you remember that year when our Amex got blocked at that restaurant in Mustique because we didn’t tell the bank we were going away?”

“Oh fuck! I remember that now, babes. That was a tough three hours, yah. We had to wait for the fraud department to unlock it before we could pay for our lunch. Our lobster rolls had gone soggy by then and I was bloody famished. “

All in all, it was clear that the staff really enjoyed having them there for the day, branding them ‘lovely’. One member said:

They were a lovely couple. Clearly very well briefed but so keen to get involved and hear about what we are doing. 

“Right, well I’m not sure what I just stepped on– it was either a date or rabbit shit– but either way, I think I’m done for today.”

The couple also vowed to be back soon ‘without the entourage’ where they’d be able to lend their services again to the centre.

“Right guys, we’re off– had to make a lunch reservation at The Fairmont seeing as you wouldn’t part with a measly bag of asparagus. Toodle pip.”

BAFTA’s Pre-Campaign Launch

And now on to the more glamorous work!

The Prince and Princess of Wales recently attended the BAFTA pre-campaign launch for the The Royal Foundation Centre for Early Childhood Development.

“Yes, yes, thank you all so much for coming– we know you wouldn’t have given a shit if the cause wasn’t being fronted by a Royal Princess, so I’m flattered.”

Wearing a red Alexander McQueen suit, Catherine attended the event with her husband Prince William, who is of course the President of BAFTA.

“Good to see you all. We certainly hope you’ll hit the champagne bar as hard as my wife has before the event. This way, darling…”

The campaign kicked off with the release of a short film, highlighting how children grow and develop in response to their earliest life experiences, with the Prince and Princess of Wales taking their seats for the screening. 

“I’m honestly not that drunk– I’ve only had four glasses of champagne, I have no idea what the fuck he’s going on about.”

And with many high profile celebrities in attendance to show their support for the Princess and her campaign, Catherine took to the stage to give a speech– watched by her proud husband.

“Oh, shit: someone grab the mic from her and I’ll alert security– she’s a bottle of Veuve in and this could get messy.”

In her speech, The Princess spoke of the aims of the campaign and highlighted its key goals for the upcoming year. She said:

And of course, by understanding our own childhoods – what has shaped our own beliefs, relationships, behaviours and feelings – we, as adults, are better placed to play our part in positively shaping future generations.

“I mean, James, Pippa and I were raised by nannies as our parents were busy getting their business off the ground and barely at home. I just thought… well, one day when I have kids of my own.. I’m obviously going to do exactly the same. It’s truly wonderful having such little responsibility and I can completely see why my parents did it.”

It seems like it was a good turn out for the Princess though and I wish her all the best with her campaign going forward!

“Yah, I think I might go home actually– feeling a little shitfaced now.”

But then it was on to the next and a visit to Leeds University for Princess Kate, where she spoke with students on the Childhood Studies BA course.

“Holy shit– I can see why I’ve never set foot in Leeds before. Is that woman wearing her pyjamas?

Speaking to the students, the Princess credited Leeds with a ‘broader approach’ to early childhood development that some other ‘fragmented’ cities across the United Kingdom.

“I know, I mean– I thought Yorkshire was a bit dodgy, but then I visited Sunderland and my God, what a shithole if ever I saw one. Makes you guys look like Mayfair!”

The Princess also undertook a tour of the nearby Kirkgate Market, where she met many members of the public who waited out in the cold to see her.

“So you were actually born and brought up in Leeds? My goodness, I’m so sorry.”

It was a great opportunity for The Princess to meet the locals and hear about their experiences in the community day-to-day, related to their upbringing.

“So you just wake up, collect money from the taxpayer and go down the pub for the rest of the day? How fascinating. I mean, I do that too, but because I have ‘Princess’ in front of my name, people seem to give less of a shit for some reason.”

To kick off her Shaping Us campaign, Kate wanted to chat to the locals about life in Leeds and how they make their living. She stopped by the M&D Flowers stall, where she spoke to Mr. Ashcroft who has run the stall for 32 years.

“They look great, albeit a little droopy… Were these the ones left outside the Windsor Castle gates when The Queen passed away?”

Mr. Ashcroft even tried to tempt Kate with a discount on flowers, offering to knock off VAT. He asked The Princess if husband Prince William would be buying her a bouquet for Valentine’s Day, to which she apparently responded “I don’t think he will do!”

“Flowers? I’ll be lucky if he remembers to pick up a microwave meal from Sainsbury’s and he isn’t snoring in front of Love Island twenty minute after sitting down.”

Well I think I’ll leave it there for now; there’ll be more coming out this week I’m sure that I will be able to cover off in the next post. We all know I am not really making fun of William and Kate, but Migraine Markle has been super quiet recently, so my material on her is limited.

Although we all know that’s usually because she’s sat waiting like a viper to strike from her pit, so I wouldn’t be too surprised if she surfaces any day now

Until next time, have a great week, don’t work too hard and I will see you soon!

Disclaimer: I should note that nothing in this post was designed to make fun of anyone who uses food banks. Or lives in Leeds. Just a bit of light-hearted humour and satire with the royals. If you currently need assistance within the UK during this tough time, you can visit the following link and they can provide details of your nearest food bank: Trussell Trust.

Take care everyone xxx

18 responses to “Royal Round-Up: 6th February”

  1. Enjoyed your blog as always.
    Hope all is well with you.

    1. Thank you my love! ♥️ all well here, hope you are too!

  2. Wonderful post, really made me laugh. X

    1. Thank you my darling! Xx

      1. Always puts a smile on my face whenever I see you’ve made a new post. Hope all is well 😊

  3. Great laugh as per thanks again!

  4. Brilliant as ever. Yes shockingly little about markle herself but at least the book tour has been shut down & both are being a bit quieter for the time being!

  5. Brilliant post as always. Really laughing out loud. Thanks!

  6. I love reading your posts. Thank you for taking the time to write and share these. You always make me laugh.

  7. Yay! Today’s my birthday and the first thing I find in my feed is a new royal round-up! Excellent summary as always. It seems la Markle has been cosying up to geriatric billionaire Gordon Getty whilst Harold has been doing the rounds with his book! Is divorce on the horizon? Is she looking to ensnare hubby #3(4))? Time will tell. Let’s just hope it doesn’t mean we have to take Harold back as I fear his warranty is now null and void. On a different note and not to be nosey, how is your mum doing now? Good, I hope. Looking forward to the next instalment. 💕💕

    1. Sorry for my late reply, but I hope you had a wonderful birthday, my love! ❤️ thank you so much for your lovely words! My mum is much better now – thank you so very much for remembering and asking, I was really touched by that ♥️♥️

  8. Thanks Saffy! I was laughing out loud while reading. You are on point and hilarious. I don’t mind at all your funny take on PW and PC. Humor is a much needed thing, and it’s not easy to do it well. You are amazing at it!

  9. Still smiling! Fun post.

  10. Great post as usual, I started laughing out loud during a teams meeting and had to pretend I was coughing 🤣🤣

    1. Hahaha I love this!! 😂😂

  11. Your blog is the best place for Royal news IMO!

  12. Another hit Saffy! I’m so glad you’re back writing this blog! Keep up the hilarious work!

  13. So loved the photo of Prince Louis…. And the joke… Made my day!

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: