Royal round-up: 18th October

Hello everyone and Happy Sunday!

Sorry that my posts are few and far between these days; things have been super busy and while it’s always easy to sit down and slag off Meghan, finding the time to do so these days is becoming increasingly difficult to say the least.

However, the Sussexes are still providing us all with a lot of entertainment, even five thousands miles away from the nation they fucked over, so let us take a few minutes out to have a look at what bullshit has gone down recently…

Prince William and the Queen

Let‘s start on a nice note… The Queen has finally emerged from lockdown! And she kicked this off with a joint engagement to Salisbury with The Duke of Cambridge on Thursday.

Her Majesty and His Royal Highness paid a visit to the Defence Science and Technology Laboratory, where all staff coming into contact with The Queen and The Duke had been tested for coronavirus beforehand, in order to ensure there was no exposure for the royals.

”Look yah, I really don’t give a fuck if your test came back negative— you’re definitely not two metres away from me.”

While most were happy to see The Queen out and about again, the usual pole-up-their-arses brigade came to moan about the fact that the Queen and Prince were not wearing masks on their visit, while the COVID-19 situation worsens in the UK.

Firstly, I will say that the royal household clearly looked at all the possible risks beforehand and undertook the appropriate measures. I can’t really see a 94-year-old putting herself in extreme danger.

“One doesn’t give that much of a shite about Salisbury.”

Secondly, all the staff tested did test negative, which sort of limits the danger the Queen and William could be in. It’s not like they were sitting on the laps of the workers there.

But all that aside, they seemed to have a good visit, and The Queen was clearly delighted at being reunited with her grandson on engagements again.

”Yes, do stay three paces behind me. Never mind COVID, you’re not King yet, you little bugger.”

During the visit, the royal duo got to learn more about what scientists were doing in response to the COVID-19 crisis and learnt more about the aftermath of the Salisbury poisonings.

“Look yah, we don’t need the exact poison recipe— just the rough ingredients. We do need to get Harry and Meghan something for Christmas after all.”

All in all, a successful visit and nice to see The Queen out and about with her family again; hopefully this will continue for a while longer.

“Yeah, pull it faster nan— there’s an Aston Villa game at 4.”

Harry and Meghan get political

Not a good move

As an American, Meghan is well within her rights to vote for who she wants— but going on an election campaign like you’re a member of US Congress, when you’re really just a failed actress who got (fairly) lucky in life, isn’t really the best idea.

Meghan looks on lovingly at the teleprompter to make sure her puppet husband is reading the speech she wrote, correctly

First of all, what the royal fuck does Harry know about voting in the USA? He’s never even been able to vote in Britain, of which he is a citizen, let alone for a country to which his only affiliation is getting smashed in Vegas and having threesomes with strippers in hotel rooms.

”So please, on November 3rd, get out there and vote Labour, yah.”
”….they’re called the Democrats, you bald eagle.”

They also dragged up Meghan’s favourite topic— racism— because it’s the only scrap of her victim card she believes she has left to play.

Yep, Harry and Meghan “called for an end to hate speech”, by once again telling us all how to think and what to do, even though they don’t follow their own advice. I quote:

“When the bad outweighs the good, for many, whether we realise it or not, it erodes our ability to have compassion and our ability to put ourself in someone else’s shoes,”

Harry Sussex, who has never met his father in law because his wife failed to exercise compassion and cut her elderly ailing father out of her life.

For some reason, he also started waffling on about “online negativity”, because somehow he and Meghan manage to draw everything back to her and how badly she was “trolled” online.

I mean really, what the fuck does that have to do with the US election?

This is just another prime example of Harry and Meghan bringing every last story and point back to something about themselves. This isn’t a political matter— this is two narcissists trying to ensure that they let you know how much they’re “suffering” at every turn.

“Because when one person buys into negativity online, the effects are felt exponentially. It’s time to not only reflect, but act. As we approach this November, it’s vital that we reject hate speech, misinformation and online negativity.”


Does he think Biden and Trump like, run the internet or something? I doubt whoever wins is going to hit the White House offices in January and be like:

“First port of call— getting teenagers to be nicer to each other on Instagram.”

Honestly, once again, both of you just shut your mouths. While you hold British royal titles, you’re not to speak out about anything political— in ANY country. Give them up and you can do what you like.

Even more embarrassingly, a member of US Congress actually fucking wrote to Buckingham Palace, asking The Queen to bound and gag them or remove their titles for good.

Fuck me, they’ve really done it this time

This was basically the nice way of saying “Is anyone at the palace doing shit about these two lunatics? Shut them up or we’ll do it for you.”

In case you’re thinking this reaction may be a tad harsh, let me remind you that this is not the first time they’ve done something like this; in fact, Harry and Meghan have been trying to stick their noses in since the early summer.

And then of course, there was the “Most Powerful Wonen NextGen 2020 Summit” where, for some reason, Megs was invited to join.

Judging by her expression, even she doesn’t know what she’s doing there

Meghan went on to talk about her life, her family, oh and, herself, herself, herself.

She tried to play the doting and loving mother for a second, by bringing her poor son into the discussion:

By not being in it, probably

She also went on to fail in answering questions directly and provide yet more word salads to hide the fact she has no clue what she’s talking about:

When she was asked about being limited in what she could talk about, which appeared to allude to her time as a working member of the royal family, Meghan said: “I think there’s an incredible opportunity for everyone to recognise that your voice matters and I think you realise it more when you are not able to exercise it, so regardless of my experience over the last few years compared to anyone’s experience, you can’t take for granted the ability you have as a woman to be able to be heard and now with the platform that people have on social media, to actually have that voice heard for a larger audience is a huge responsibility. It’s a privilege but it’s also a responsibility.”

Seriously, what in all that is holy is she talking about? Is she on drugs?

She also bust out the “raging hypocrite” stance again by saying the following:

If you live knowing the truth, regardless of what anyone says, you’ll be able to go to sleep with a clear conscience,”

The woman who has lied, cheated, abandoned and shagged her way to where she needs to be, explains to us what a “clear conscience” is.

She also went on to talk about her interests in gender equality “from a young age” and how she “always felt that women should have a seat at the table”.

Although she left out the part about needing rich dudes with a higher status to get her a pew at that table

She also talked about being a mother and how it makes you “concerned about the world your children will inherit”— although she is decidedly less concerned about the fact her son only has access to 1 out of 4 grandparents and approximately 0 cousins.

“I mean, Archie won’t have any friends or family growing up, but I’ll teach him all I know about yoga, US politics and gender equality, which should be all he’ll need.”

In summary, she chatted a lot of shit and I could go on and on, but my arms are getting tired and I have other topics to write on, so we’ll leave it there for now.

Harry and Meghan’s photo shoot

Clearly already believing she’s the President of the United States, Meghan has taken it up on herself to have some new headshots taken of her and Harry.

Now, I say only Meghan because if you have seen the photos, you’ll recognise pretty quickly that Harry appears to have been taken hostage, so this bullshit photo session was clearly not his idea.

Either that or that arm of the chair she made him sit on was seriously digging into his arse

Firstly, if a picture speaks a thousand words, this one’s a medical thesis. If there’s a clearer representation of their relationship than this photo, I’d ask you to find it, because it’s quite clear that Harry is now fully in “supporting player” mode.

Meghan sits on the chair in the photo, while Harry perches on an uncomfortable wooden arm, pushed behind her, while she laughs at something that clearly only she finds funny.

”Hahahahaha omg Harry, I know you haven’t cracked a genuine smile since 2017, but look lively please, there are cameras present and we need to make this look like a candid moment they just happened to snap.”

Why the photos were taken I don’t know; we all know she thinks she’s running for President in 2024, but I’d say I’m more likely to wind up as Queen of England than her even being given a chance to run.

But honestly, bless her for trying. She even crimped her horse’s mane and wore a new suit to look a bit like Kamala Harris!

“Yeah, I don’t think so bitch.”

And what of Harry? Well his solo portrait was… interesting.

“One really can’t be fucked with this shit, yah. I don’t want to live in the White House, I just want a beer and a burger.”

I mean really, if anyone looks at this photo and sees a happy man, I suggest you get an eye test. His expression is a mix between “I’m about to have a colonic” and “I’m trying to work out where my wife
has hidden my testicles.”

I had some Sussex Sugar recently tell me on Twitter “you wish” when I raised a point about him looking unhappy, but I can only imagine these are the same women who oppress their husbands so badly that they’re not aware there’s an issue until they commit suicide.

“Who, Robert? Yeah he’s fine, he’s just— HANGING FROM THE SHOWER RAIL!!!!!”

I get that at the Altar of Harry and Meghan, their worshippers want to believe all is dandy and that they’re some power couple with a lot going for them, but I (don’t) fear the reality is more likely to be:

  1. They’re broke and they’re scrounging about for money where they can. Note how they casually dropped the charity work so they can focus on making Meghan President because it has more financial gain for her.
“I don’t know what y’all are complaining about, I’ll feed the homeless when I’m President in like 4, 8 or possibly 12 years’ time.”

2) Harry is close to doing a runner. I think his Shawshank Redemption-style escape is on the cards in 2021, because that man looks about as jolly as I do during a Pap smear. If he can’t even smile properly for an official photo, there’s zero chance of it being captured in candids.

Hermes Handbag Harry slopes glumly out of the restaurant in LA after dinner, accompanied by a local homeless woman, whose arms were recently amputated. Who said he wasn’t a humanitarian?

3) Their titles will likely be taken away sooner rather than later. I can’t see the palace even waiting for the annual review next March— I really think these two have pissed them off bad enough now that they’ll lose them sooner. If even fucking Congress are telling the Crown to take them off these two, there’s a problem.

”Enjoy your early Christmas present, bitches.”

All remains to be seen of course— but speculation is half the fun!

Harry to return to the U.K.

Like we’re not going through enough already.

So allegedly, The Queen is summoning Harry back to the U.K. in the coming weeks— likely to ask him just what the hell he thinks he’s doing in LA and to beat him shitless with the royal sceptre.

“Calm down nan, yah— we were just getting people to decide between the Tories and the Republicans!”

Word on the street is that Her Maj is furious and wants to read Hazza the riot act for becoming involved in political proceedings and generally behaving like a pair of dipshits.

It could also be because Harry is not a US citizen and cannot be there for more than 183 days at a time, so he is forced to return to the motherland in the interim, or face paying US taxes.

“Pay? I thought taxes were the thing the government put in your bank account for doing fuck all.”

Harry will also be expected to self isolate for two weeks upon arrival, as per U.K. entry rules— so it is likely The Queen will confine him to some disused tower at Windsor Castle.

”Nan, what the fuck is this shit, yah? You could’ve at least installed a bar in here!”

Much to our relief, there has been no mention of Meghan coming back to England with Harry— although judging by the way she has previously treated us, I’m sure she’d rather wipe her arse with a cactus than be within 1000 miles of Britain anyway.

Just like with worldwide COVID rates, I’m sure there’ll be a spike in Meghan’s paparazzi appearances, just as there always are when Harry is away and can’t be suspicious of his wife having called them herself.

I wonder what they’ll be? Maybe…

Meghan and Archie out at the park:

”Shit, sorry baby— mommy was on a Zoom call, talking about my experiences as a hands-on mother.”

Meghan and Archie on a walk:

“Yeah, I know the sling is too small Archie, but if you’d just eaten lettuce and kale like I’d suggested, you’d still be able to fit into your 6-month one. It’s your own fault.”

Meghan and Archie at a mother and baby group:

“Before he was born, my own mother told me this was the best way to get him to sleep— jiggle him around until he’s knocked unconscious.”

I’m sure they’ll have a blast together.

Anyway my loves, that’s all for this week— I’ll try my hardest to pick this up weekly again, because I enjoy writing it as much as I hope you enjoy reading it.

Until then… 💋

32 responses to “Royal round-up: 18th October”

  1. I’m SO happy to see you back! You hit another one out of the park; I shot coffee all over my desk at least twice! 😉 Keep well, lovely!

    1. Hahaha thank you so much darling! Always appreciate your support! Stay well also ❤️

  2. Awesome as always! I definitely miss your wit. I could not stop laughing. I also liked the positive bookends with the Queen and future King

    1. Thanks so much my love, so glad you enjoyed! ❤️

  3. Why is this bullshit about her running for President continuing to surface? People off the street don’t run for President. House , senate etc. first and you’re talking years of experience. Never happen.

    1. I would certainly hope not, but she probably saw Kanye west and thought she had a chance!

      1. She probably sees Trump and thinks “he was on a tv show, I was on a tv show and I’m way more popular than him. I’m a global icon now, a rock star. I’ll win with a bigger majority than him” lol

  4. “Enjoy your early Christmas present, bitches!” Priceless!

    Harry does not look like a happy man; I know he isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp, but this looks like a man who is having second thoughts…

    1. 😂😂😂

      No but really, I think now he’s fully alienated from his family and the life he once knew, it’s dawning on him that he’s made a huge mistake…

  5. a resounding YES to you appearing in my email MUCH more often. I actually make my “O” face when you pop up there! Laughed myself silly on this one, but that’s not unusual …

    1. Ahh thank you so much my lovely! I will endeavour to post more often— I don’t like that I’ve let it slip recently! Please do stick around ❤️


  6. Super as always. Do you think several recent photos of Beatrice with a coat over her shoulders might have prompted the armless-homeless person scene? LOL

    1. Hahahahaha probably! I wouldn’t be surprised! Thank you my love ❤️

  7. …a homeless woman whose arms had been amputated … Oh, the darkness of this humor! Love it!

    1. Thank you my darling, as always! ❤️

  8. I loved the photo of the Queen with a happy and enthusiastic smile in her blue coat, and then beating the shit out of “Meghan”, or at least practising to do so…Hubby is thinking I’ve gone round the bend as I’m sitting her cracking up at a laptop screen…thank you for the laughs and the common sense about the gruesome twosome…the sooner they’re gone the better….

    1. 😂😂😂 I’m glad you enjoyed! ❤️

      And agreed— I’d settle for them just handing back their titles!

  9. YAY! SO delighted that you are back entertaining us! Stay safe!

    1. Thank you my darling! You stay safe too!! ❤️

  10. Thank you.

    I had a good laugh at all the photos with the witty comments.
    That’s the ugliest photo of her I had ever seen, the fake laugh and the pinochle’ noise is more obvious on her side profile.

    Stay safe and take great care.

    1. Totally agree, she doesn’t look awful in my opinion, but it’s the nose… Thank you my love and stay safe too! ❤️

      1. I had considered her as attractive before she got married to Harry,
        Once the ring is on her finger, she went from good looking dressed woman to sloppy, messy and unkept.
        I wonder if she is one of those people who kept themselves pretty/handsome and let themselves fall into pieces once they are married.

    2. I hate her nose too! I thought I was the only one who couldn’t stand it. And this latest black and white sh*t picture makes me think she looks like Quagmire from Family Guy.

  11. No satire/editorial as sparkling as yours. Nailed it again and always make me lol.

  12. I wish you posted more often. You’re hilarious and bring some desperately needed humour and fun to the blog every time. Keep it up!

  13. I’m wondering what happened to Harry’s right hand in the picture. lol

  14. Belly hurting. Well done, so look forward to your posts. 👏👏👏👏

  15. So happy to see a new post from you and love reading whatever – and whenever- you write! You are a treat and I really appreciate the time you can give us. No need to apologize for anything! Thank you for always cracking me up. Take care and best to you and your loved ones.

  16. I love your captions talking for them! Love your blog,keep ’em coming.

  17. Glad to see you back. Hope you are well.

  18. Hilarious as always!!!

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