Royal round-up: 23rd May

Happy Saturday everyone! 💋 hope you’ve had a good weekend so far!

Sorry about missing this one last weekend— I got a bit lazy and then work got on top of me during the week.

But as usual, there’s a lot to cover— so let’s dive right in!


Harry misses his old life

Well we knew that would happen eventually anyway.

According to media reports and some of Harry’s mates, he feels that his life “lacks purpose” at the moment, and he is feeling “rudderless”.

How much purpose did you really have before, anyway?

While the rest of the world struggles to hold onto its jobs amidst the COVID-19 pandemic, Harry has been ‘especially busy’ with his new full time job— keeping in touch with his mates.

“Just piss off a second Meghan, yah— I don’t have time to change Archie’s shitty nappy right now, I have a board meeting with Guy Pelly and Tom Inskip.”

Harry, 35, seems to be really shocked by the fact that he doesn’t have any friends in LA, despite the fact he’s never actually made any there. I mean, what exactly was he expecting?

“Well I usually just buy them yah, but one is slightly low on funds at the moment.”

One royal reporter, Katie Nicholl, adds that while Harry’s life is “lacking direction” at the moment, “it won’t always be like that and Harry knows this.“

No Katie, you’re absolutely right, it won’t always be like this; let’s give it a year and some time for Meghan to throw Harry out on his arse and things will be very different.

“Just piss off back to England Harry, yah— I’ve got the kid and the title, I don’t bloody need you anymore.”

But if anything good has come out of this, it’s that Harry and William have apparently been speaking again, via phone and Zoom. Apparently the two reconnected when Prince Charles was sick with coronavirus and have been chatting again ever since.

”So how’s it going in Cali, Hazza?”
“Yeah, it’s going great actually, I’ve become a real Domestic Duke; I cook, clean, sew, do the gardening and take care of Archie.”
”If you don’t mind me asking bro, does Meg actually do anything at all?”
“Don’t chat such shit Wills, yah— she is a very active member of this household. Yesterday she drank three martinis, tried to FaceTime Beyoncé for a cameo in her next video and threw an iron at the nanny.”

It isn’t weird that Harry feels this way, but what is odd is the fact that he didn’t see this coming.

I mean, what did he really think he was going to happen when he entered Meghan’s world, with Meghan’s friends and Meghan’s family? She was never going to let him be the star of the show– Harry is now a supporting player in his own life. I’m sure Meghan legitimately forgets to introduce him when meeting friends.

”…oh, and that’s Harry. I picked him up in England.”

I would feel sorry for him if he wasn’t such a lily-livered nincompoop. Harry, WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS!? Put your foot down, take your kid and fly home to the UK. You’ve let this woman waste four years of your life and now you’ve let her drag you to the other side of the world to feature in her life, not begin one with her.

I honestly give it 12-18 months before he’s back here. Let’s face it, their lives out there aren’t going to be too successful; Harry was born a Prince and doesn’t really have the life skills to do anything else. He isn’t going to wind up as the next Brad Pitt, but rather, playing second fiddle to his wife while she tries to forge an acting career with Harry as her assistant. Maybe he’ll land a gig cleaning the bogs in her trailer.

“I’m scrubbing as hard as I can Meghan, yah— you really need to stop eating so much kale for lunch.”

Harry mate, wake the fuck up– you seem to be the only person in the entire world who hasn’t seen your wife for what she is. Don’t be that bitch.

Harry and Meghan crash Zoom meeting

So amidst all the chaos of COVID-19, and the fact they’re probably getting a bit pissed off their media coverage isn’t quite at the level it normally is, Harry and Meghan, in their desperate bid for attention, decided to jump into a Zoom chat for a mental health crisis line, who offer their assistance to those struggling under lockdown rules.

Yeah, they both really look like they give a shit.

First of all– it’s a bit fucking rude to barge into a conversation you were not invited to be a part of.

If I was on a Zoom chat with my colleagues and some two random losers in LA showed up on the call, I would physically throw my laptop out of the window. Nobody needs that shit on a Monday morning.

Secondly, what could they possibly contribute that was of any value? The only “mental health” issues Meghan is experiencing is the lack of money coming in and a worry as to how long the latest nanny will stay in the job, because her inevitable departure would mean Meghan has to actually take care of her kid.

“Don’t laugh Harry yah, this is serious— I don’t even know where Archie’s bedroom is.”

Judging by Harry’s tired and worn-out expression, I’d wager he only joined that call to get some tips on how to manage his own mental health while in Meghan’s clutches, as he looked like he was trying to blink ‘SOS’ signals to the Crisis Text Line.

Apparently, according to one or two shit media sources, Harry and Meghan are ‘committed to helping those struggling during the COVID-19 pandemic’ and that they want to make it ‘their main aim’ at the moment.

Committed to making it your main aim, or you saw the Cambridges being proactive online and didn’t want to be outdone?

How about you make raising your child your priority, rather than trying to keep your names in the tabloids? We all know you don’t give a shit about helping other people, or you wouldn’t have walked away from the royal family’s charitable ventures in order to make your own money elsewhere, so please kindly cut the shit.

I’d wager that as soon as this pandemic’s over and they’re free to head out and live like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, that they’ll drop the pretence of doing charity work and will devote all their time to making Meghan “a star”.

Meghan at her first audition post-COVID

And in any case, what do they mean ‘their main aim’? This issue has been going on for a good few months now and all I’ve seen them do is hand out some supply bags to people (without wearing their PPE correctly) and crash a web chat that had fuck all to do with them.

Sussexes– please stop using a global crisis to elevate your own profiles. It’s going to take a bit more than handing out bags of broccoli and bog roll to repair your damaged reputations.

“They’re right, Meghan… maybe we should start calling out bingo numbers too.”

Meghan breaks lockdown rules

Well she hasn’t been able to adhere to any other rules over the last two years, so are you really shocked about this one?

Apparently Meghan, in her infinite wisdom, decided to take her two children toddler and husband, to her mother Doria’s house for US mother’s day on 10th May, because even a deadly virus won’t stop Madam Markle from doing what she wants to do.

So important is family to Mrs Sussex that she decided “to hell with this lockdown” and headed to Mama Doria’s, where Lady Ragland of Los Angeles could also spend time with her grandson Archie.

Let’s see if she breaks lockdown next month to see Daddy Markle for Father’s Day.

Firstly, I don’t mean to sound like Boris Johnson, but she’s putting a lot of people in danger here. You have a small child and an ageing mother– did she really think it was clever for both households to mix? I couldn’t give a rat’s arse if it was Mother’s Day; our Mother’s Day in the UK was back in March, and due to the lockdown, I couldn’t see my own mum either. It’s just the situation we find ourselves in at the moment.

Secondly, due to Meghan’s irresponsible actions, I really hope for the sake of California that Dumb and Dumber aren’t handing out any more grocery packages any time soon. Put yourselves at risk if you want, but maybe don’t do it to innocent, high-risk people who trusted you to safely bring them the food they can’t leave their house to get.

“I know I look like shit madam, but it’s just a slight cough and a temperature, yah— please open the door, I have your week’s supply of butternut squash soup and it’s very bloody heavy.”

And suddenly Meghan seems to give so much of a shit about family; I’ll bet she went longer than a few months at a time not seeing her mother while she was living here in the UK and fleecing the taxpayer, but she didn’t seem to give a toss then.

“Doria?”

But now, with a reputation to repair, it is apparently imperative that Meghan is seen as looking like a model wife, daughter and mother– and if that involves roping dear old Doria into her media games, then so be it.

“Oh, stop your fucking whining, you don’t even have to pretend to like me, just stand there, smile and don’t speak.”

Harry and Meghan make repayments on Frogmore cottage

At last!

No, they may not have jobs at the moment, but it hasn’t stopped the Royal Debt Collectors telling the Sussexes that they need to start coughing up to pay us back for all the renovations they had done to a property that they lived in for all of five seconds.

”But we offered £100 a month as a repayment plan? It’s all we can afford yah, we don’t have jobs. Do you not watch E! News?”



”Crumbs. Ok, better start removing goods— but please leave the silver tea set, it was a gift from granny.”

Times are tough for Harry and Meghan; being forced to pay back money for that wall at Frogmore they had knocked through and the ugly curtains Meghan had wanted to hang in the bedroom has put them in a bit of a bind– especially since they’re now paying thousands a month in rent to Tyler Perry, so that they can squat at his.

Oh no— imagine if you hadn’t walked away when you had it really good— maybe you wouldn’t be up shit creek without a paddle now!

Apparently the couple are still ‘keen to hold onto Frogmore Cottage’ despite moving to the USA and would still like to use it as their accomodation in future, in the unlikely event that they decide to set foot in the United Kingdom ever again.

Yet for some reason, it wasn’t good enough to stay in back in March.

According to calculations, it will take the couple as long as three years to repay the renovation debt– by which time, Meghan would have divorced Harry anyway, so that shit isn’t likely to be her problem by that point.

Poor old Harry will be hustling to pay granny back the money before the debt dudes start seizing his shit.

“Welcome to Harry’s Hotdogs! Buy one, get one free! …come on, don’t be so fucking tight guys yah, I still owe granny a million.”

Good luck with that one, Harry and Meghan; maybe you can use the money from that elephant documentary Meghan narrated, in order to foot the bill– or that clothing line Meghan is planning to launch.

But something tells me you’ll both be getting fitted for dentures before you complete that payment plan.

Meghan recreates her Botswana trip

But for some reason, we’re only hearing about this 8 months later– likely because her PR team are running out of other shit to report on.

According to a couple of media outlets, Meghan apparently tried to recreate one of her earlier dates with Harry (when he had taken her to Botswana to shag in a tent).

Apparently Meggy set up a tent in their back garden for Harry’s 35th birthday last September at Frogmore Cottage, where she cooked dinner and got them sleeping bags to camp out in the wilderness Windsor.

“Well how the fuck was I supposed to know it was going to rain?!”

Firstly, I can’t really see Meghan putting up a tent in the middle of the night in their back garden without the aid of a ten-strong team to carry out all the necessary donkey work.

“God this is a fucking DISASTER— I said an ECO-FRIENDLY tent and NON-ALCOHOLIC beer, you cretin.”

Also, it must be so great having a nanny on-hand so that you can cook sausages and drink in the back garden all night with your husband, while your 4-month-old kid is left in the house to sleep, somewhere up on the third floor of the East Wing.

“What’s that wailing noise? Is that Archie?”
“No, it’s probably just a pigeon or some shit. How are those sausages coming along? I’m fucking famished.”

Apparently the trip to Botswana was ‘so sentimental’ for Harry, as he reportedly had said to friends that he ‘fell in love in a tent in Africa’. How sweet! I’m sure Meghan fell in love that day too, but it was more with your title and the life it would afford her, rather than the ginger tosser who flew her 11 hours to the arse-end of nowhere to sleep on the floor of some dusty nature reserve.

“So we’re staying in a tent within a safari park. It’ll be well romantic, babes.”

”Yah, I think it’s actually pronounced “The Four Seasons.”

But we all know that trip was equally important to the two of them; so moved by the bullshit Meghan had spouted in that Botswanan tent in order to secure her future and convince Harry she was a humanitarian with an actual working heart, the Prince actually sourced the main diamond from her engagement ring out there before he proposed to her in 2017. The one she was so in love with.

Or maybe she was just concerned that the diamond would drop off, so she had it removed for safe-keeping, just as she had done with Harry’s balls?

Meghan’s been keeping a diary

Oh boy– I saw this one coming a mile off.

Apparently Meghan kept a diary during her time in the UK, documenting life as she tried to settle into the royal family and into her role as a royal Duchess.

“…they’re all a bunch of snooty assholes.”

I’m sure your first thought is that it probably reads like some kind of sad teenage girl diary, talking about how she’s left out of all the royal lunches with Princess Anne and Sophie Wessex, and how that bitch Kate won’t stop pulling her hair and stuffing her into the cupboards at Buckingham Palace.

However, I’m getting more ‘Gone Girl’ vibes; you know, like when whatserface spends like two years creating a fake diary to frame her husband as some kind of womanising wife-beater? Yeah, I’m guessing it’s a bit more like that, i.e. more sinister.

“I’m pretty sure I’m in danger now… a dark tunnel in Paris awaits.”

Media outlets are saying that the royal family should ‘probably be concerned’ about the material that Meghan could release within her diaries, items of which could be potentially damaging to them.

Well, they’ve survived a thousand years, about a million divorces and two American socialites trying to rip them all to pieces just by marrying in– I think they have this one covered.

“One will piss on your head and set fire to it— make no mistake about that.”

But no, I agree, the only count they should be concerned about is the fact that these diaries are likely, in actual fact, little booklets of bullshit. I suspect there will be some half-truths, littered with a bunch of cryptic phrases to get people guessing and a shit load of implications that William and Catherine drove her out of the family.

While the media are keen to stress that there is no evidence that Meghan is looking to release anything, I’d say that their articles on this have given her a bloody good idea to.

Except you do.

We all know she is dying to release a ‘tell-all memoir’ or do a Diana-and-Martin-Bashir style interview; she”ll make doe eyes at the camera and tells us all about how evil the Queen and Kate are and how ‘truly difficult’ she found life in England, while we gave her all our tax money, paid for her luxury homes and gave her a big fuck-off castle wedding that she didn’t deserve.

Nah– I won’t hold my breath for the diary but I’m waiting on that first tell-all interiew with Oprah that we all know is coming.

“The Queen would lock me in a tower, beat me with the royal sceptre and threaten to cut off my head. It was just… horrible. There’s only so much of that one person can take.”

Well that’s all for now, my loves.

As some of you may have seen on Twitter, I am now setting up a podcast, which will be an addition to the blog posts and way of discussing other royal family news not necessarily documented on here.

I’ll release more details over the next couple of days, but in the meantime, stay safe, enjoy the weekend (and the public holiday if you’re in the UK) and I will see you all again next weekend!

14 thoughts on “Royal round-up: 23rd May

  1. Am I the only one who wants to see Lady Colin Campbell beat MeAgain’s entitled butt? Or better yet…Lady Colin Campbell assisted by the spirits of the Queen Mother AND Queen Mary??? 🤔😏😁

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Great as always. She jumped the gun wanting to try out her Diana moves & did the stupid “thank you for asking” documentary.” Should have kept the lip biting & puking earnestness with fake tears for the divorce show when she has Dr Phil reunite her with Daddy. As H would say, she is probably “bricking” herself [as in -hitting bricks] at being stuck raising the kid on what she can earn & with no nanny.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What an absolute treasure trove of hilarity and no-holds-barred reportage, you naughty boy! Kale for lunch, huh — you’re killin’ me heah! I must disagree that Just Harry has no purpose; his purpose is to cater to the ever-more bizarre whims of Douchess Clingon. Although he might feel “rudderless,” he must have momentarily lost focus and forgot that his bride is his rudder and will steer him steadily through the vagaries and savagery of tinseltown, even as she approaches her “sell by date.” Plus, there’s only so much botox and plastic surgery you can do before you start to look like an android. BTW, I read somewhere that they are paying zero rent where they presently squat, but who knows? If they are not, then they should realize that nothing is free in Hollyweird. Remember that Mugsy wishes only to work with A-list directors, preferably in a supporting role in a superhero movie(!). Or perhaps Japan will let her do a commercial for an obscene fee? But maybe not? Perhaps she could play Joaquin Phoenix’s long-lost sister, Felicity Fleck. She wouldn’t need much makeup — certainly has the rictus grin worked out.

    So much to upack here, so I’ll leave some for another post. Also, are naughty words allowed in posts — I mean, just in case I get a little carried alway? Can’t wait for the next post and the upcoming pod.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank goodness The Roundup showed up because my Saturday night was looking a total wasteland.. : ) Love the butternut soup & tenting in the rain, baaaah. Very very appreciated, will check out the podcast, too, if I can figure out how.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. She’s going to end up like Sarah Ferguson. No one will want to be in the same room with her. Thanks for another fab post.

    Sent from my iPad

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Again, you manage to pull together the weeks hitting the nail several times & of course the hilarity of all of this! I am very good at not eating or drinking whilst reading these days!

    Have a Wonderful weekend – you never know it might be a sunny Bank Holiday!! Take Care KKxx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hilarious, insightful and forthright as always Saffy. I read somewhere that PC is using the legacy his grandad King George VI left him to bail out the pair of dum dums & that it will take them *10 years* to payback what they owe for Frogmore. Will certainly be listening to your podcast. Hope you had a good bank holiday. Ah Meghan, what she lacks in integrity she makes up for with dishonesty. Take care, looking forward to the next instalment. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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