Royal round-up: 10th May

Well hello, and happy Sunday! 💋

This week has had a myriad of crap come out of it and at times, when jotting down headers prior to drafting the full ‘article’, I really didn’t know where to begin.

But after gathering my thoughts a bit, and muddling my way through the Sussex Shitshow, I’ve come up with the following.

Meghan and Archie read a book

Bloody hell, how could this NOT be the top header?

Oh, I feel horrible for laughing, but that was an absolute fucking disaster, wasn’t it?

So to mark the momentous occasion that was Archie’s 1st birthday, Harry and Meghan (mainly Meghan no doubt) thought it would be a good idea to release a video of Meghan reading to Archie— because it was one step up from releasing photos like the Cambridges do.

We all do, Meghan.

Traditionally, this would’ve been a sweet moment— a loving mum reading a book to her son as he celebrates his first year of life. But… that sort of wasn’t what happened.

Firstly, it was abundantly clear to anyone with eyes (maybe apart from Meghan) that the kid wasn’t the slightest fucking bit interested in the book his mum had in her hand.

He was putting more effort into escaping from her than Andy from Shawshank Redemption did from prison, but apparently dear old mummy here still wasn’t getting the message.

Archie squirmed and wriggled his way through the 5 minute segment, at times wailing in despair and at others, putting all his energy into throwing whatever book he could find onto the floor— probably aiming for his mother’s foot so that she’d stop reading.

”Shoulda held off on that bunion surgery bitch, Ima give you a real problem now.”

Don’t worry Archie, we all know how you feel— it was painful for all of us too.

But rather than recognising that her tot was tired or disinterested and putting the book away, Meghan, so desperate to one-up the Cambridges with her video and secure the headlines, ploughed on through with the reading— much to her son’s chagrin.

“Dad please, GET HER TO PUT THE FUCKING BOOK AWAY— this shit is longer than Harry Potter.”

Despite her obviously bored son, Meghan applied the Sussex Death Grip to Archie’s waist to hold him in place, effectively holding him hostage.

The book in question was something called “Duck, Rabbit”— likely a piece Meghan was paid to merch, given the ferocity she applied in getting her child to read the book with her.

“Is it a duck… or a rabbit?”
”Bitch it’s a dinosaur, can I take a fucking nap now?”

On top of this as well, I was super baffled as to why Meghan appeared to be reading the book to us, rather than to her son.

Is she auditioning for a kid’s show or something?

Meghan— I’m 26 years old and don’t need you to read me a book— I had my own mother do that when I was a toddler (and she did a far better bloody job of it), so perhaps your own kid would’ve been more engaged if you were more focused on his enjoyment, rather than forcing him to listen to something he clearly didn’t care about.

”Archie, I’m trying really hard to hold it together, but sit the fuck still or Disney won’t be giving me any more jobs.”

I’m only half joking with that caption, because it was also abundantly clear that Meghan was beginning to run out of patience about halfway through.

Although the fake, veneered smile was plastered in place, you could see flashes of deep annoyance that this little PR gig wasn’t quite going how she had anticipated and Archie’s refusal to play ball was grating on her.

Oh dear lol

When Archie tried to pick another book to read, as he was bored shitless of the one his mum was droning on about, Meghan seized the book from his hand, declaring “let’s read this one first!” (Probably because she was paid to read it on camera).

In addition to this, given her inability to engage her child and the fact that her kid literally NEVER looks at her face, it is rather clear that she’s not the one that reads to him in that household.

“Alright, I’ve read the fucking book and kissed him for the camera— where’s the fucking nanny?”

A+ for effort Meghan, but in future, please don’t use your child as a pawn in your PR games and force him to do something he clearly isn’t interested in.

Change his nappy, let him have a nap and bin the shit book— everyone’s a winner!… sort of.

“What in fuck’s name are you doing, woman— get off me!”

Harry and Meghan’s biography has a name

Speaking of books nobody’s interested in, apparently Harry and Meghan’s big biography now has a title!

Penned by unroyal haemorrhoid Omid Scobie, the title of this much anticipated novella is to be “Finding Freedom”— as though Meghan and Harry had escaped from being Prisoners of War in Afghanistan, rather than leaving a life of luxury within the royal family.

More like “Finding Funds”, as that’s all they’ll be fucking doing without the royal gravy train to ride on

And can people stop with this “modernising the royal family” shit? They’re meant to be a pillar of tradition and a representation of a thousand-year old monarchy; without that, we might as well have The Queen heading down the local shops for a pint of milk in the morning and Kate going out on engagements in a tracksuit.

”Yeh, I know me and Wills are late innit, but at least we fuckin’ turned up, so shut ya fat cakehole ya slag.”

I for one think this “biography” is going to bomb hard; how much can you really say about these two after two years of marriage, most of which Meghan has spent holding on to her stomach and looking for the nearest camera? Is that shit REALLY going to pad out a book?

Although you could probably fill an entire book with pictures of her holding that beach ball she had stuffed up her dress, and it would still be longer than War and Peace.

Unless that’s what Scoobie Doo is planning on doing, he’s pretty fucked as far as material goes. I mean, it’s not as though he can really blow the cover wide open on their antics and game-playing, both with the royal family and the media.

“I mean, it’s fairly simple yah; I just let this harlot swan in, got hitched, bagged us a few titles, told granny to fuck off and now here we are— ‘And they lived happily ever after’.”

I’ll be honest with you, like a lot of you, I’m more interested in the books and interviews that will be published after the divorce— I’m ready and waiting for THAT shit, let me tell ya.

Amazon Prime and wine at the ready!

Harry gives up his guns

Probably around the same time he relinquished his balls.

In another desperate bid to please his wife, because apparently giving up his entire bloody family was not enough, Harry has now relinquished his hunting rifles, as Meghan apparently “doesn’t approve” of hunting.

Doesn’t really look like she approves of you breathing at this point either, mate

I’m not really sure what Meghan’s expecting of him; I don’t particularly care for killing animals as sport either, or for any other reason, but she married a posh toff from the royal family— they ALL fucking hunt.

And in any case, what harm is it doing? I doubt he’ll have much to hunt in mainland Los Angeles— it’s hardly Windsor Great Park, is it?

“Here Meghan, I appear to have caught a rare type of Kardashian, yah.”

Having said that, she’s probably actually done Harry a favour; I can see her locking and loading in Hazza’s direction after he sneaks off to the pub for a swift half. Better not to have them around.

“Meghan, it was only a pint yah, why do you always have to bust out the AK-47, babes?”

All in all, Harry’s handmade rifle set apparently cost £50,000 in total— money I’m sure they could use right now, but hardly fair on a man who has been hunting since he could walk.

According to the tabloids, ‘animal-loving Meghan’ just couldn’t stand seeing Harry inflicting harm on innocent creatures.

Sorry, where were we?

Ah, yes— the Mother Theresa of Animals, Meghan Markle.

Apparently Meghan is so against the killing of animals, that she follows a strict vegan diet from Monday to Friday, but she feels less strongly about chickens being strangled over the weekend, and is not a vegan on Saturdays and Sundays.

Girl, pick a fucking lane and stick to it; either you’re a vegan or you’re not— stop making a mockery of people who don’t eat meat because they have certain principals they want to uphold.

That’s like me telling you I’m anti-drugs but then partaking in recreational drug use on the weekends.

Yes, one does enjoy a little bit of black tar heroin on a Saturday night

Honestly, I’m getting real tired of this woman’s phoney bullshit now. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to be faker than Barbie and an all-around raging hypocrite.

And Harry, as for you, know that it never pays to change who you are for a partner— especially since that marriage has about as much chance of working out as I do of sitting on the throne of Britain.

When you finally wake up, head to the pawn shop, grab your balls and guns and come home to England. We’ll have a pint ready for you.

Harry and Meghan’s LA mansion

Also this week, it has become public knowledge that Harry and Meghan are squatting staying at Tyler Perry’s £15 million mansion in LA.


I’m not entirely sure what Meghan’s definition is of “living life” is, but if staying in a big fuck-off 8-bedroom, 12-bathroom mansion free of charge is not “thriving”, I don’t know what is.

Poor Meggy— don’t worry babes, I’ll think of you when I’m heading back to the office in a few weeks time, shoving my way onto the Jubilee line at 8am and trying to stop my fellow commuters coughing coronavirus into my face.

And of course, it was buttplug Oprah that arranged the stay, because she’d organise World War 3 if she thought it was going to keep her relevant.

All of these arse-kissers are going to really regret wasting so much time on these freeloaders when they are no longer today’s news.

Think Oprah’s gonna arrange mansions for you to crash in and Elton John’s gonna give you his plane for your holidays once you’re both divorced and Meghan’s back blowing people on some cable show?

And here’s a question for the Sussex fans— if these two are supposedly so rich, and Meghan “had lots of her own money” pre-Harry, why haven’t these two paid for their own home yet?

Wait no, sorry— why haven’t they paid for anything at all in the last two years?

They’ve been coasting between countries to get various governments to cover their security, like it’s owed to them. Luckily, most people told them where to go.

”…but you can shove the Canadian flag up your arses if you think we’re funding your security.”

They’ve also borrowed countless planes from “friends” and now they’re sofa-surfing their way through California.

For fuck’s sake you two— buckle up, get real jobs, buy a home and give your son some stability; he won’t thank you in ten years’ time when you’re still digging for handouts from people in a higher place than you and still have nowhere to live.

”Please Madonna, just two more nights in the shed yah, we only have £5million left in the bank!”

Either way, I do hope the Sussexes have finally managed to “thrive” instead of just “survive”, away from the perils of the UK and all the fancy shit we paid for while they were here, so that they could rob us and then call us all racists.

I feel super bad as I really wanted to draw attention to The Duchess of Cambridge’s ‘Hold Still’ campaign with the National Portrait Gallery, but as usual, the Sussexes have taken up far too much time and attention, so I may have to cover this off next week now instead.

I think I’ve talked for long enough now, so I’ll let you all go and enjoy the remainder of your weekend, but I’ll be back next week and I’m sure there’ll be lots more to report on!

Until then, have a good one, guys! 💋

55 responses to “Royal round-up: 10th May”

  1. One again, Saffy, a fabulous take on the dastardly duo. LOL they just have NO shame, none at all! I think your hilarious commentary on Archie’s behalf made me laugh the most! Thank you!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻😂😂😂

    1. Thank you my love! I’m so glad you enjoyed it! 😂❤️

  2. Brilliantly done as usual, and there were plenty of good laughs as well! Stay safe out there!

    1. Thank you darling! You too! ❤️

  3. Marlene Dymore avatar
    Marlene Dymore

    so spot on, and a great read, every week – would be the kind of book I’d buy !

    1. Ahh thanks so much love! Glad you liked it ❤️

  4. In all honesty, they deserve one another. I just feel sorry for the kid. As one avid YouTube’er put it – Harry likes dirty women. I absolutely believe that to be true, and that’s perfectly fine. But not IN the BRF. So enjoy Hollywood, Harry, with your filthy, used up “woman.”

    1. I agree completely! If he was a regular dude (well, Meghan wouldn’t have looked at him, but in any case…), he could marry who he wants. But as a Princess of Britain? No thanks.

  5. “Apparently Meghan is so against the killing of animals, that she follows a strict vegan diet from Monday to Friday, but she feels less strongly about chickens being strangled over the weekend, and is not a vegan on Saturdays and Sundays.”

    Hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahhahhaaa!!!!!!!! Dead!

  6. Sidesplitting direct hits, and you didn’t need $50K worth of artillery.
    Sheer brilliance, Saffy.

    1. Ahhh thank you so much lovely, I’m so glad you enjoyed it! 💙

  7. Hi everybody! My name is Eli, I’m from Argentina and I really love this blog!
    I read it every weekend! It’s so funny! U r doing an amazing job!
    Stay safe! 😊😊

    1. Hello Eli in Argentina! It’s crazy to think this blog is being read on the other side of the world! Thank you so much for your kind words— I hope you’re staying safe also and I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog! 💙

  8. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be raising a kid & be more or less newly married & not have your own home. That’s just no way to live, so unstable. I don’t get it. But I do love this blog : )

    1. It doesn’t make any sense to me, because most want to give their child stability, but who knows with these two… and thank you love! 😊❤️

  9. Sarah Harrison avatar
    Sarah Harrison

    This is your best round up ever. The question is can Cringe and Ginge keep being this ridiculous.

    1. Thanks so much!! ❤️

    2. They absolutely can.

      Their entire relationship is about drama which they stir up every 3 months or so. Think about it, every since the relationship began, in May 2016, there has been some big drama every 3-4mths. The relationship would wither and die if it settled down into a normal steady groove.

      1. I agree with you 100%. When heat was coming on Andrew, I thought they’d lay low and let the press and public focus on him, but they never did! They can’t even let a pedo have the attention!!?!

        I just found your blog and spent 4 hours reading everything!!! Thank you for the laughter! I’m Canadian and signed the petition and wrote to my MP to ensure we stopped paying security for them. I couldn’t believe when they settled here for a few months, as if they’re gracing us with their presence. As soon as we told them to pay for their own security, they grabbed all the toys from the sandbox and ran. Their sense of entitlement is so gross.

  10. “Is it a duck… or a rabbit?” ”Bitch it’s a dinosaur, can I take a fucking nap now?” LMAO..Brilliant!!!!

    1. Hahaha thank you lovely! ❤️

  11. Witty, fun and so true. I just wonder how Tyler is going to get these 2 out of his house because he does actually live there. Thanks again for making me laugh today!

    1. I must admit, I didn’t read in too much detail, so wasn’t sure if he was also in the house… I mean, I know it’s a huuuuuge mansion, but it’s still so weird to have a family of three randomly living in it. I really don’t think they can afford their own place. And thank you love! Really appreciate it ❤️

    2. Perry lives and works in Atlanta. His studios and main residence are in Atlanta, and that’s where he is for the lockdown. His LA pad is the equivalent of a holiday home/ business in LA crash pad.

      He had been trying to sell this house for years without takers so it’s no skin off his nose to allow them to crash there and the publicity will help him off-load the place.

  12. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 unroyal haemorrhoid Omid Scobie 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  13. Beyond hysterical as usual. I loathe these two with a passion, for how they have treated Queen/Grandmother and adoptive country/Country. I am a Canadian. They totally used us. I dread the garbage Haemorrhoid Scobie will produce. It’s the stuff of nightmares already. Thanks for the laugh as always xo

    1. Thank you so much! xx and I really do feel for Canada, you guys didn’t deserve that at all. Bad manners for them to slink away without a word of thanks either. Just unbelievable.

  14. Thank you for yet another great read. Side splitting stuff! Amongst it all, you brought up some very good points. The book business, wow! I am mortified, achieve a great deal positively first for mankind, then maybe.

    1. Thank you so much darling! xx

  15. Hugyourhaters avatar

    Once again you nailed it thank you saffy

    1. Thank you darling! xx

  16. I only just found your website/articles & can I just say – what an AB FAB write-up, I was LOL-ing & nodding my head ferociously at your every point! KUDOS dear!

    1. Thank you so much lovely, so glad you’re enjoying it! xx

  17. I discovered your blog a few months ago and I love it. You say so much of what I think but, you are far wittier than I will ever be. Please don’t let the suxxsquad piranha get to you. Thank you for the time and effort you take to share your wonderful work with us..
    BTW, Tyler Perry is hiding out in Atlanta right now. Even a person as easy going as he is couldn’t take living with the deadly duo .

    1. Thank you so much my lovely! I truly appreciate that and enjoy giving everyone a giggle every week! Thank you for the support– and didn’t realise TP was in Atlanta! Interesting.. xx

  18. That baby wanted to be with her (and hear her reading the book) as much as I want to have a root canal surgery.

  19. bloomsbury101 avatar

    Another brilliant post. Thank you. Oprah must have first rights to the post-divorce interview. That’s the only thing that makes sense.

    1. Thank you so much! xx and I think so too. Her or Ellen Degeneres– another hanger-on.

  20. Sam in California avatar
    Sam in California

    You are actually a genius. So rare is a person with wit and street cred! You give me hope for the younger generation!

    1. Oh, thank you so much! I really really appreciate that and thank you for reading xx

  21. Erica Mcnaughton avatar
    Erica Mcnaughton

    The history books in years to come,
    Queen Elizabeth had 4 children, one called Anne who worked very very hard, one called Charles who married Diana. Then he married Camilla, he had 2 sons, on was handsome and normal and married Catherine, they worked very hard and were proud to serve.
    The other son, errr he married an aging wannabe Hollywood starlet, who wanted to grab grandmas best tiara, she wanted air fresheners in the chapel and brought some mad voodoo witch doctor to preside at their wedding. The other guests were giving each other the side eye.
    Then pretend princess MeAgain stuffed a cusion up her jumper and gave birth to a doll who should have been called Darren. Thats another story girls and boys.

    MeAgain had a magic mirror and every day she would say mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all. And do you know children one day the mirror fell off the wall and smashed into a million pieces, causing pretend princess MeAgain to cry, blaming prince harry who was infact a real prince.
    Children, this story isnt quite finished, but i can guarantee they did not live happily ever after.
    They had to go and live in a tent on the beach, and pretend princess MeAgain ran out of things to sell and had to get a job as a cleaning lady. She was too tired when she go home from work to read the poor dolly its favourite book, about a duck or something, it didnt matter though because the poor dolly wasnt a bit interested in the damn fucking book. Poor prince Harry had to stay at home and look after the child,(dolly) every day he would dunk the dolly in the washing up bowl and peg it out on the line to dry. Whilst trying to get to grips with a machine he had never seen before, children it was called a toaster….. isnt he silly children…… the end.

  22. Love it 😂😂

  23. I discovered your blog a couple of months ago and love it thanks for making me laugh so hard it brings tears to my eyes.Am I mistaken in the premise that they weren’t going to use the word royal anymore? they left the royal family so how can they be a “modern royal family”? I thought the modern royal family was William and Kate by the way please don’t judge us Californians whose families have been here for generations (My family has been in California since before it was part of the United States) by what you see and hear about LA and the Bay Area we got outnumbered by the transplants

    1. Thank you so much love! I truly appreciate that xx and you are correct– the use of the word ‘royal’ was meant to be dropped. No judgement toward Cali at all– won’t let a couple of people spoil it for you!

  24. You know the reason she was forcing the kid to listen to that book, right? If you look very carefully, it has a sticker from Oprah’s Book Club on the front cover, in the upper right corner. Oprah has told everyone how Archie will never want for books because she (Oprah) will make sure he has all the books he’ll ever want. So the 3 Sussexes are forever indebted to auntie Oprah, who will probably make sure Harry gets a job of some sort so he can be beholden to her and her entourage.

    Looking forward to next time!

    1. I did NOT spot that— that’s insane (but also makes sense!). Thank you for the insight and for your comment 😌 xx

    2. I read somewhere that it says Archie’s book club on the sticker. So Meghan will have something new to merch.

  25. The reason why they’re not buying a house and settling down? Because they can’t afford an $18 million dollar mansion right now. And nothing less will do for Meghan because she wants to show the BRF THIS is what she deserves and not a run down servants quarters like Frogmore cottage. They no doubt thought they’d be able to make the 20 million in a year and move to their own mansion haha. They won’t be able to make even a fraction of that but they’ll conveniently blame the coronavirus

  26. Janet DiDonato avatar
    Janet DiDonato

    I just found this fabulous site and am trying to navigate signing in to post on FB. I’m a tech dummy, forgive me! This is a test …

  27. Janet DiDonato avatar
    Janet DiDonato

    OK, looks like I might have successfully “logged in” to this fabulous blog?
    BRB to check …

    1. Thank you so much! Hope it worked! ❤️

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