Well hello, and happy Sunday! đ
This week has had a myriad of crap come out of it and at times, when jotting down headers prior to drafting the full âarticleâ, I really didnât know where to begin.

But after gathering my thoughts a bit, and muddling my way through the Sussex Shitshow, Iâve come up with the following.
Meghan and Archie read a book
Bloody hell, how could this NOT be the top header?

Oh, I feel horrible for laughing, but that was an absolute fucking disaster, wasnât it?
So to mark the momentous occasion that was Archieâs 1st birthday, Harry and Meghan (mainly Meghan no doubt) thought it would be a good idea to release a video of Meghan reading to Archieâ because it was one step up from releasing photos like the Cambridges do.

Traditionally, this wouldâve been a sweet momentâ a loving mum reading a book to her son as he celebrates his first year of life. But… that sort of wasnât what happened.
Firstly, it was abundantly clear to anyone with eyes (maybe apart from Meghan) that the kid wasnât the slightest fucking bit interested in the book his mum had in her hand.

Archie squirmed and wriggled his way through the 5 minute segment, at times wailing in despair and at others, putting all his energy into throwing whatever book he could find onto the floorâ probably aiming for his motherâs foot so that sheâd stop reading.

Donât worry Archie, we all know how you feelâ it was painful for all of us too.
But rather than recognising that her tot was tired or disinterested and putting the book away, Meghan, so desperate to one-up the Cambridges with her video and secure the headlines, ploughed on through with the readingâ much to her sonâs chagrin.

Despite her obviously bored son, Meghan applied the Sussex Death Grip to Archieâs waist to hold him in place, effectively holding him hostage.
The book in question was something called âDuck, Rabbitââ likely a piece Meghan was paid to merch, given the ferocity she applied in getting her child to read the book with her.

âBitch itâs a dinosaur, can I take a fucking nap now?â
On top of this as well, I was super baffled as to why Meghan appeared to be reading the book to us, rather than to her son.

Meghanâ Iâm 26 years old and donât need you to read me a bookâ I had my own mother do that when I was a toddler (and she did a far better bloody job of it), so perhaps your own kid wouldâve been more engaged if you were more focused on his enjoyment, rather than forcing him to listen to something he clearly didnât care about.

Iâm only half joking with that caption, because it was also abundantly clear that Meghan was beginning to run out of patience about halfway through.
Although the fake, veneered smile was plastered in place, you could see flashes of deep annoyance that this little PR gig wasnât quite going how she had anticipated and Archieâs refusal to play ball was grating on her.

When Archie tried to pick another book to read, as he was bored shitless of the one his mum was droning on about, Meghan seized the book from his hand, declaring âletâs read this one first!â (Probably because she was paid to read it on camera).
In addition to this, given her inability to engage her child and the fact that her kid literally NEVER looks at her face, it is rather clear that sheâs not the one that reads to him in that household.

A+ for effort Meghan, but in future, please donât use your child as a pawn in your PR games and force him to do something he clearly isnât interested in.
Change his nappy, let him have a nap and bin the shit bookâ everyoneâs a winner!… sort of.

Harry and Meghanâs biography has a name
Speaking of books nobodyâs interested in, apparently Harry and Meghanâs big biography now has a title!

Penned by unroyal haemorrhoid Omid Scobie, the title of this much anticipated novella is to be âFinding Freedomââ as though Meghan and Harry had escaped from being Prisoners of War in Afghanistan, rather than leaving a life of luxury within the royal family.

And can people stop with this âmodernising the royal familyâ shit? Theyâre meant to be a pillar of tradition and a representation of a thousand-year old monarchy; without that, we might as well have The Queen heading down the local shops for a pint of milk in the morning and Kate going out on engagements in a tracksuit.

I for one think this âbiographyâ is going to bomb hard; how much can you really say about these two after two years of marriage, most of which Meghan has spent holding on to her stomach and looking for the nearest camera? Is that shit REALLY going to pad out a book?

Unless thatâs what Scoobie Doo is planning on doing, heâs pretty fucked as far as material goes. I mean, itâs not as though he can really blow the cover wide open on their antics and game-playing, both with the royal family and the media.

Iâll be honest with you, like a lot of you, Iâm more interested in the books and interviews that will be published after the divorceâ Iâm ready and waiting for THAT shit, let me tell ya.

Harry gives up his guns
Probably around the same time he relinquished his balls.

In another desperate bid to please his wife, because apparently giving up his entire bloody family was not enough, Harry has now relinquished his hunting rifles, as Meghan apparently âdoesnât approveâ of hunting.

Iâm not really sure what Meghanâs expecting of him; I donât particularly care for killing animals as sport either, or for any other reason, but she married a posh toff from the royal familyâ they ALL fucking hunt.
And in any case, what harm is it doing? I doubt heâll have much to hunt in mainland Los Angelesâ itâs hardly Windsor Great Park, is it?

Having said that, sheâs probably actually done Harry a favour; I can see her locking and loading in Hazzaâs direction after he sneaks off to the pub for a swift half. Better not to have them around.

All in all, Harryâs handmade rifle set apparently cost ÂŁ50,000 in totalâ money Iâm sure they could use right now, but hardly fair on a man who has been hunting since he could walk.
According to the tabloids, âanimal-loving Meghanâ just couldnât stand seeing Harry inflicting harm on innocent creatures.

Ah, yesâ the Mother Theresa of Animals, Meghan Markle.
Apparently Meghan is so against the killing of animals, that she follows a strict vegan diet from Monday to Friday, but she feels less strongly about chickens being strangled over the weekend, and is not a vegan on Saturdays and Sundays.

Girl, pick a fucking lane and stick to it; either youâre a vegan or youâre notâ stop making a mockery of people who donât eat meat because they have certain principals they want to uphold.
Thatâs like me telling you Iâm anti-drugs but then partaking in recreational drug use on the weekends.

Honestly, Iâm getting real tired of this womanâs phoney bullshit now. I canât imagine how exhausting it must be to be faker than Barbie and an all-around raging hypocrite.
And Harry, as for you, know that it never pays to change who you are for a partnerâ especially since that marriage has about as much chance of working out as I do of sitting on the throne of Britain.
When you finally wake up, head to the pawn shop, grab your balls and guns and come home to England. Weâll have a pint ready for you.

Harry and Meghanâs LA mansion
Also this week, it has become public knowledge that Harry and Meghan are squatting staying at Tyler Perryâs ÂŁ15 million mansion in LA.


Iâm not entirely sure what Meghanâs definition is of âliving lifeâ is, but if staying in a big fuck-off 8-bedroom, 12-bathroom mansion free of charge is not âthrivingâ, I donât know what is.
Poor Meggyâ donât worry babes, Iâll think of you when Iâm heading back to the office in a few weeks time, shoving my way onto the Jubilee line at 8am and trying to stop my fellow commuters coughing coronavirus into my face.

And of course, it was buttplug Oprah that arranged the stay, because sheâd organise World War 3 if she thought it was going to keep her relevant.

All of these arse-kissers are going to really regret wasting so much time on these freeloaders when they are no longer todayâs news.
Think Oprahâs gonna arrange mansions for you to crash in and Elton Johnâs gonna give you his plane for your holidays once youâre both divorced and Meghanâs back blowing people on some cable show?

And hereâs a question for the Sussex fansâ if these two are supposedly so rich, and Meghan âhad lots of her own moneyâ pre-Harry, why havenât these two paid for their own home yet?
Wait no, sorryâ why havenât they paid for anything at all in the last two years?
Theyâve been coasting between countries to get various governments to cover their security, like itâs owed to them. Luckily, most people told them where to go.

Theyâve also borrowed countless planes from âfriendsâ and now theyâre sofa-surfing their way through California.

For fuckâs sake you twoâ buckle up, get real jobs, buy a home and give your son some stability; he wonât thank you in ten yearsâ time when youâre still digging for handouts from people in a higher place than you and still have nowhere to live.

Either way, I do hope the Sussexes have finally managed to âthriveâ instead of just âsurviveâ, away from the perils of the UK and all the fancy shit we paid for while they were here, so that they could rob us and then call us all racists.

I feel super bad as I really wanted to draw attention to The Duchess of Cambridgeâs âHold Stillâ campaign with the National Portrait Gallery, but as usual, the Sussexes have taken up far too much time and attention, so I may have to cover this off next week now instead.
I think Iâve talked for long enough now, so Iâll let you all go and enjoy the remainder of your weekend, but Iâll be back next week and Iâm sure thereâll be lots more to report on!
Until then, have a good one, guys! đ

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