CrownsOfBritain

Happy Sunday my lovelies! 💋

Well bloody hell – not sure where to begin for this week. It’s been absolutely insane news-wise! My head was actually spinning trying to sort out headers for this.

But after several large coffees, I’ve managed to muddle my way through. So let’s get stuck right in!

Sandringham summit

Ahh, it’s like the royal version of D-Day.

Yes, following Harry and Meghan’s “shock” announcement the week before last that they were planning on stepping down from their royal duties, Hapless Hazza was promptly summoned to the Sandringham Estate by his grandmother for a “royal showdown”.

The meeting was set for 2pm on 13th January, where Charles, William, Harry and The Queen were placed in a room together probably for the first time in months. One can only imagine the frosty atmosphere in there…

In the meeting, the future of the Sussexes was thrashed out between the current monarch, the two future monarchs, some ginger bloke and his weird American wife, who tried getting involved via Skype a few times, only to realise she had been blocked from the call line.

Don’t worry Meghan, if you’re reading this – we all know I’m joking. Especially as Megs was very clear to let the public know that she “wasn’t barred” from the summit, and that she simply “didn’t feel the need to join the call.”

After a couple of hours of deliberation, the royals weren’t any closer to finding a solution – largely because Prince Harry insisted on getting drunk during the meeting and making stupid comments, much to the annoyance of his grandmother:

The meeting was adjourned around 4pm; The Queen needed a stiff gin and tonic and Harry was now practically comatose at the table. Her Majesty released a statement letting the public know that she expected her family to reach a final decision “in the coming days”.

For the next week, there were more meetings and deliberations about just what the Sussexes could walk away with.

Meghan was regularly on the phone to Harry, pulling the puppet strings and making it very clear that he was to bargain with The Queen for the very best deal possible.

This was it. Harry went into the final Royal Summit meeting amped up and ready to take on his family members. He’d leave with everything, Meghan would be happy and he’d be able to sew his balls back on at long last.

Her Majesty quietly informed Harry that in the interest of being financially independent, him and Meghan were to longer live off the British taxpayer – and would repay back all the costs for the renovation of Frogmore Cottage.

And then, the real sting – The Queen told Harry that he and Meghan, while remaining Duke and Duchess of Sussex, were no longer allowed to use their “HRH” style.

But after getting over the initial shock, and realising that he didn’t really want to be a Prince anyway, Harry departed from Sandringham – saying goodbye to his grandmother in an emotional moment, for possibly the last time ever:

Now just to tell the wife via FaceTime. Better to be blunt and just come out with it, right?

After half an hour of Meghan telling Harry to “get back in there and negotiate it all again”, Harry had heard just about enough of his wife’s shrill voice; he told her the deal was done and she needed to let it go. It was over.

Disney Voice Over

It appears that the Sussex Two began planning for their exit as far back as the Lion King premiere last year, where new footage came out this last week of Harry pimping his wife out to various people involved with the film.

Meghan pretended to be all coy, like she didn’t know her husband was going to tout her for work, and tried to put on her best “Saint Diana” expression.

I think it must’ve been the most awkward for people around them who had to listen to this shite. Having members of the royal family ask you for a bloody job?

Can you imagine if William and Catherine did this? There’d be public uproar. I can just picture Prince William walking into the local Wetherspoons like:

In any case, it doesn’t appear so far that Disney want to hire Meghan’s “talents” for one of their feature films (they must’ve seen her in Suits), but if a part does call for an animated stripper or gold digger in the future, I’m sure she’ll be the first one they call.

Meghan women’s group

Keen to make it look like her and Harry were actually doing some work, Meghan made a cursory visit to a women’s center in Canada, where she did.. well… not a lot.

I’m not actually too sure what this visit was meant to achieve, other than keeping up the pretence that her and Harry were still undertaking charity work.

Kate Gibson, the executive director, made mention of the fact that Meghan did not actually bother to go inside the centre to meet the clients – apparently due to “security issues”.

Gibson went on to say that as it was a women’s centre and no men were allowed to enter the main area, it would mean that Meghan’s security officers couldn’t go inside – thus meaning Meghan couldn’t either. Because apparently she’s really at risk of being attacked by impoverished women.

So much for standing with women in “solidarity” and being their “sister”; doesn’t quite hold the same meaning when you can’t be fucked to actually visit and speak to them.

This just confirms for me that Meghan and Harry have no interest in continuing their charity work going forward. This was a piss-poor “effort” from Meghan– who essentially popped in for a cuppa and a photo, before sodding off back to her mansion.

And then came the best part; Meghan’s team actually vetted the photos before they were released. Checking for what, I don’t know – but apparently madam wanted to pick and choose what went out to the public.

All in all, and I’m sure Canada’s women’s Center would agree – a total fucking waste of time. Thanks for nothing, Meg!

Meghan at the airport

Clearly, Meghan has far more important things to do with her time, like pick up friends from the airport. Charity work?

Admittedly I have no idea who this friend is – nor do I give a shit. To my knowledge, she’s some sort of Pilates instructor who is just as bad as pretending she hasn’t spotted the cameras as her little friend Meghan.

Meghan, who was described by the tabloids as “independent” because she managed to actually drive her own car to the airport, rocked up with a protection officer in the passenger seat to pick up her mate.

But it appears her friend was able to spot Meghan a mile off and made her way over to the car, throwing her bags in the backseat and pausing to hug.

And then they were off – with Meghan being sure to check her wing mirror before pulling out into the traffic and away from the airport.

Harry heads to the pub

Yep, with Meghan safely back in Canada, and Harry edging closer to no longer having to behave like a royal prince, he did what any man left to his own devices would do – he hit the pub.

Reports stated that Harry was seen “laughing and joking” in a Fulham bar with his pals, probably as he toasted his new-found freedom; both from being emancipated from the royal family and also because he had a short break from Meghan.

The prince, who was allegedly forced to give up drinking by his wife some time ago, still continues to sneak a couple when she’s not around – which is always a lesser risk when she’s on a different continent.

Onlookers said that Harry seemed “happy and relaxed” as he enjoyed some beers and meal with his friends and “didn’t appear to have a care in the world.”

Meanwhile in Canada, the news that Harry had dared to join his friends in the pub for a pint had crept across the Atlantic – much to the fury of his uptight wife.

It took a few Vicodin, some meditation and a lengthy call to Harry to calm Megs down – where she was reassured by her husband’s words:

Coming off the phone, Meghan tried to steady her nerves by remembering her wedding vows to her husband and the promises she had made that day…

Well that’s all for now, my darlings; this circus really is the gift that keeps on giving and I’m sure there’ll be plenty to report on next weekend.

Until then, have a fabulous week, keep the popcorn at the ready – and I’ll see you next Sunday! 💋