Royal round-up: 19th January

Happy Sunday my lovelies! 💋

Well bloody hell – not sure where to begin for this week. It’s been absolutely insane news-wise! My head was actually spinning trying to sort out headers for this.

Give me a break, Windsors

But after several large coffees, I’ve managed to muddle my way through. So let’s get stuck right in!

Sandringham summit

Ahh, it’s like the royal version of D-Day.

Yes, following Harry and Meghan’s “shock” announcement the week before last that they were planning on stepping down from their royal duties, Hapless Hazza was promptly summoned to the Sandringham Estate by his grandmother for a “royal showdown”.

One person who could not be arsed to stick around though was Prince Phillip, who hightailed it the fuck outta there just before the royal summit

The meeting was set for 2pm on 13th January, where Charles, William, Harry and The Queen were placed in a room together probably for the first time in months. One can only imagine the frosty atmosphere in there…

Actual footage of the Sandringham Estate

In the meeting, the future of the Sussexes was thrashed out between the current monarch, the two future monarchs, some ginger bloke and his weird American wife, who tried getting involved via Skype a few times, only to realise she had been blocked from the call line.

“But Harry, what does it mean when it says “person not recognised”? Everybody knows me, yah.”

Don’t worry Meghan, if you’re reading this – we all know I’m joking. Especially as Megs was very clear to let the public know that she “wasn’t barred” from the summit, and that she simply “didn’t feel the need to join the call.”

“Get out of bed to speak to the Queen about leaving her family? Bitch, I don’t think so.”

After a couple of hours of deliberation, the royals weren’t any closer to finding a solution – largely because Prince Harry insisted on getting drunk during the meeting and making stupid comments, much to the annoyance of his grandmother:

“Listen granny yah, I really think you should just let us be King and Queen. Maybe somewhere small, like Wales. I am the Prince of it, after all.”
“No you’re not, you little shit.”

The meeting was adjourned around 4pm; The Queen needed a stiff gin and tonic and Harry was now practically comatose at the table. Her Majesty released a statement letting the public know that she expected her family to reach a final decision “in the coming days”.

“Now fack orf, all of you; one has her eye on that bottle of Bombay Sapphire in the East Wing.”

For the next week, there were more meetings and deliberations about just what the Sussexes could walk away with.

Meghan was regularly on the phone to Harry, pulling the puppet strings and making it very clear that he was to bargain with The Queen for the very best deal possible.

Shitting hell mate – they could probably use her over at the Houses of Parliament for Brexit negotiations

This was it. Harry went into the final Royal Summit meeting amped up and ready to take on his family members. He’d leave with everything, Meghan would be happy and he’d be able to sew his balls back on at long last.

The Queen quickly put the kibosh on Harry’s plans

Her Majesty quietly informed Harry that in the interest of being financially independent, him and Meghan were to longer live off the British taxpayer – and would repay back all the costs for the renovation of Frogmore Cottage.

“I know we said ‘financially independent’, but we thought you were still going to give us money, yah?”

And then, the real sting – The Queen told Harry that he and Meghan, while remaining Duke and Duchess of Sussex, were no longer allowed to use their “HRH” style.

But after getting over the initial shock, and realising that he didn’t really want to be a Prince anyway, Harry departed from Sandringham – saying goodbye to his grandmother in an emotional moment, for possibly the last time ever:

“Safe G, I’ll catch you later, yeah?”

Now just to tell the wife via FaceTime. Better to be blunt and just come out with it, right?

“It was terrible Meghan, yah. But at least now we can be normal.”
“I don’t want to be fucking normal – I sent you there to get everything we possibly could out of Megxit, and you lost us our fucking titles?! This is some bullshit.”

After half an hour of Meghan telling Harry to “get back in there and negotiate it all again”, Harry had heard just about enough of his wife’s shrill voice; he told her the deal was done and she needed to let it go. It was over.

“And where the fuck do you think you’re going, you ginger weasel?”
Duke of Sussex out.

Disney Voice Over

It appears that the Sussex Two began planning for their exit as far back as the Lion King premiere last year, where new footage came out this last week of Harry pimping his wife out to various people involved with the film.

“Listen yah, I know she couldn’t crack Hollywood, but she’s done a sterling job pretending she loves me for the last three years, so that’s worth at least a voice over part, right?”

Meghan pretended to be all coy, like she didn’t know her husband was going to tout her for work, and tried to put on her best “Saint Diana” expression.

“But really, where do I sign?”

I think it must’ve been the most awkward for people around them who had to listen to this shite. Having members of the royal family ask you for a bloody job?

Can you imagine if William and Catherine did this? There’d be public uproar. I can just picture Prince William walking into the local Wetherspoons like:

“Yes, you should see the talent and skill in which Catherine drinks a glass of wine at home – she’d make a fabulous barmaid here.”
“It’s true yah, look at the precision in my hand when I hold a Merlot. Plus, like most unemployed British, I drink in the morning too, if that helps.”

In any case, it doesn’t appear so far that Disney want to hire Meghan’s “talents” for one of their feature films (they must’ve seen her in Suits), but if a part does call for an animated stripper or gold digger in the future, I’m sure she’ll be the first one they call.

Meghan women’s group

Keen to make it look like her and Harry were actually doing some work, Meghan made a cursory visit to a women’s center in Canada, where she did.. well… not a lot.

“Your Highness, would you like to actually visit the clients inside the centre?”

“Oh no babes, I’m good here; I just popped in because we’re out of coffee at home and I knew you’d offer me a free one here.”

I’m not actually too sure what this visit was meant to achieve, other than keeping up the pretence that her and Harry were still undertaking charity work.

Kate Gibson, the executive director, made mention of the fact that Meghan did not actually bother to go inside the centre to meet the clients – apparently due to “security issues”.

Gibson went on to say that as it was a women’s centre and no men were allowed to enter the main area, it would mean that Meghan’s security officers couldn’t go inside – thus meaning Meghan couldn’t either. Because apparently she’s really at risk of being attacked by impoverished women.

What do you think they’re gonna do, nick your cheap weave?

So much for standing with women in “solidarity” and being their “sister”; doesn’t quite hold the same meaning when you can’t be fucked to actually visit and speak to them.

This just confirms for me that Meghan and Harry have no interest in continuing their charity work going forward. This was a piss-poor “effort” from Meghan– who essentially popped in for a cuppa and a photo, before sodding off back to her mansion.

A few of the women here look like they’d rather join ISIS than stand next to Meghan

And then came the best part; Meghan’s team actually vetted the photos before they were released. Checking for what, I don’t know – but apparently madam wanted to pick and choose what went out to the public.

“She said she liked this one, because her thighs and waist didn’t look as big.”

All in all, and I’m sure Canada’s women’s Center would agree – a total fucking waste of time. Thanks for nothing, Meg!

“You’re welcome, peasants!”

Meghan at the airport

Clearly, Meghan has far more important things to do with her time, like pick up friends from the airport. Charity work?

Admittedly I have no idea who this friend is – nor do I give a shit. To my knowledge, she’s some sort of Pilates instructor who is just as bad as pretending she hasn’t spotted the cameras as her little friend Meghan.

“Omgzzzzz my big moment!!!”

Meghan, who was described by the tabloids as “independent” because she managed to actually drive her own car to the airport, rocked up with a protection officer in the passenger seat to pick up her mate.

“Ugh, actually – I’ve changed my mind about her staying. Maybe if I put these on, she won’t find us.”

But it appears her friend was able to spot Meghan a mile off and made her way over to the car, throwing her bags in the backseat and pausing to hug.

“Meg, where’s Archie’s car seat?”

“Oh don’t worry about that – I usually just drive with him in my lap a la Britney Spears, or leave him at home with the nanny.”

And then they were off – with Meghan being sure to check her wing mirror before pulling out into the traffic and away from the airport.

“Sorry guys, bear with me – we don’t want any Diana-style ‘accidents’. The family are pretty ticked off with me at the mo.”

Harry heads to the pub

Yep, with Meghan safely back in Canada, and Harry edging closer to no longer having to behave like a royal prince, he did what any man left to his own devices would do – he hit the pub.

Reports stated that Harry was seen “laughing and joking” in a Fulham bar with his pals, probably as he toasted his new-found freedom; both from being emancipated from the royal family and also because he had a short break from Meghan.

“This one’s for the Queen, bitches.”

The prince, who was allegedly forced to give up drinking by his wife some time ago, still continues to sneak a couple when she’s not around – which is always a lesser risk when she’s on a different continent.

Onlookers said that Harry seemed “happy and relaxed” as he enjoyed some beers and meal with his friends and “didn’t appear to have a care in the world.”

Yeah, I wouldn’t have a care in the world either if I’d just told my boss where to stick their job and was still gonna get millions for it

Meanwhile in Canada, the news that Harry had dared to join his friends in the pub for a pint had crept across the Atlantic – much to the fury of his uptight wife.

“He went to the pub and drank ALCOHOL?!”

It took a few Vicodin, some meditation and a lengthy call to Harry to calm Megs down – where she was reassured by her husband’s words:

“Calm down Meghan, yah – it was only a couple of beers and a roast chicken. Why are you so vexed?”

Coming off the phone, Meghan tried to steady her nerves by remembering her wedding vows to her husband and the promises she had made that day…

…which I’m certain it will once Harry gets in through the front door back in Canada.

Well that’s all for now, my darlings; this circus really is the gift that keeps on giving and I’m sure there’ll be plenty to report on next weekend.

Until then, have a fabulous week, keep the popcorn at the ready – and I’ll see you next Sunday! 💋

30 responses to “Royal round-up: 19th January”

  1. This sort of puts a crimp in the “SussexRoyal” brand, seeing as there’s no HRH in the equation now. Also, I’d heard somewhere that they didn’t want Meghan “dialing in” for the big summit, for fear of the line being hacked…or that she’d record the conversation.

    1. Yeah, that makes sense as well.. I can imagine her doing that!

  2. Brilliant as always! There will be much more to comment on, with Megxit not complete until Spring! Can’t wait to see her slink back to ‘work’.

    1. Thank you my love! 💖 I know – it’ll be super entertaining I think!

  3. Prince of Wales!! Oh, Saffy, loved this roundup! You’re awesome. More to come, we know! 😂😂😂

    1. Thank you my darling! 💖 definitely wayyy more to come on this!

  4. Brilliant 😂😂😂

    1. Thank you lovely! 💖

      1. I just loved the bit about “nicking the cheap weave ” Too funny, I laugh so loudly, my cat ran under the couch !!

  5. All those friends – Clooneys, Obamas and Oprah – have gone a bit quiet about how racist we Brits have been to poor little Megz. Do you think they’ve been looking on and thinking Hellfire, if that’s how she treats the Queen what’s she going to do to us if we upset her?

    HM played a blinder. Do what you want, you just aren’t doing it as official members of the royal family.

    1. Definitely! I think people are now wary of her and her behaviour. I’d steer clear of her – that’s for sure!

  6. What I find strange is all over the weekend LBC radio has only seemed to have callers phoning in fawning all over them and wishing them luck. Now either we’ve got it completely wrong and they are much loved and a small group of us are all alone in our seething anger or they were only putting through Meghan fans. No word of their disgusting behaviour these last couple of years or her complete disrespect of the queen.

    1. Oh, they hand pick these people – we are definitely not a minority. I can’t tell you the number of people I’ve encountered off the internet who think Meghan and Harry are absolute tools. I’ve actually yet to meet anybody who likes them. I was just watching the news and people in Norfolk and Windsor were not too favourable about them.. I can assure you – we are not alone.

  7. Brilliant as always!!

    1. Thank you darling! 💖

  8. Even though you’re joking around, the best analysis I’ve seen, yah. hahaha BTW, I did read that the friend she picked up had a baby about the same time as the Markles, so another kid left back in the bin with the hireds! Ah, modern motherhood.

    1. Thank you my love! 💖 and no way! I didn’t know that! Bloody hell – this lot really don’t care, do they? Feel sorry for these kids.

  9. Well bloody heck, while it sounds good on paper they didn’t actually have their HRH’s taken away. You think for one nano sec megbeth is going to NOT use it? When the divorce happens (and it will) then Lizzie will strip the title away quicker than a bikini wax..and I hope it hurts like you know what. She doesn’t deserve it and never did show any respect to the title either. Grifter.. gold digger and black widow spider!!!

  10. Wonderful post, as always. As for leaving babies and small children with nannies,there was a book called “The rich are different” I can’t remember the author but it seems to sum up the situation !!

  11. That women’s center she went to apparently only allows women and ‘persons who identify’ as women to enter. Go figure! I am watching the British reaction to all this from across the pond, and just read Harry’s speech to supporters of that Sananbala charity they support. They really do need to just go and walk away in the sunset without further ado. Always loving these updates, have a great week!

  12. Great post, spot on as usual. I was interested to read Barbara Amiel’s column in the Times yesterday. Apparently, Markle is starting to make noises about Canada’s Indigenous peoples. That situation is like a tinder box waiting to explode, and won’t endear her to Canadians or political leaders if she starts preaching.
    I didn’t like the Queen’s praising of Markle either, but think she’s probably pre-empting the inevitable Oprah interview.
    Would love to be a fly on the wall as the RF gather round their G and Ts.

  13. Thank you for summarising this week’s mess! I was wondering what your take is on the fact that Nutmeg supposedly said that before they quit (aka were politely asked to leave) she was “anxious about her future” – anyone would be if they had to keep wondering whose baby to borrow for some “natural family photos” 😉
    Oh, and since she hand-picked the photos from her spontaneous and well-meaning charity visits (um, yeah, we believe you, Nutmeg) she could have paid attention to the fact that her thighs look concave after the edit.

  14. As ever Saffy a brilliant round up of the weeks events! How they think they are going to make enough £Ms to support MM’s lifestyle seems to me kind of bribery or corruption!

  15. Its Monday evening here in Florida and its time to take the gloves off in regards to Meghan and Harry. Tomorrow the politicians in Washington will bicker and fight but that is what we expect of them. We don’t GIVE them palaces and luxury though. They have to steal it and pretend they are doing it for your own good. OTOH, the BRF has the sweetest deal on earth. An accident of birth gives you the job and all you have to do is enjoy the ride.

    Besides the unfortunate business surrounding WW2, the Japanese Royal Family has managed this. The Emporer”s progeny can be dispatched around the globe and not return in disgrace. QE II has managed to pull this off herself for almost 70 years with little difficulty save from her own children and,now , grandchildren. What is so damned difficult, in the 21st Century about being a Prince or Princess?

  16. I just recently found your blog and spent a little each evening before bed reading a post. I’ve finally finished everything and I absolutely LOVE your style! But two little things – America doesn’t want Meggers back, and she sure as hell does not represent American women! She’s a disgrace.

  17. You are fucking fantastic. Bravo on this whole blog.

    1. Thank you so much love! 💖

    Lol she wants to be the breadwinner. Well she has Harry’s balls in her purse so whats the difference? I actually hope they go broke with the way she spends, and then watch Harry get refused when he goes (is sent) back to grandma for more.

    The canadian tabloids and radio have been fawning all over her, its nauseating. Not sure if thats just the media or do people really love her here. She didnt get the love and adoration she expected in the UK, she knows the Brits cant stand her (nothing to do with her race like she claims), so she wants to go off and be a beloved Hollywood star. These actresses are so psychotic, neurotic and insecure. It would be funny if it werent for the fact Harry is already unstable himself, and she is going to ruin him.

  19. Hilarious as usual! Well worth the wait. I’m just shocked and the ever changing size of Archie–he looks like a 4 month old again, it’s just so odd that she has no clue how to hold a baby, while smiling at the cameras

    1. I think she holds the baby this way on purpose so the photographers can get a full shot of her face not obscured by baby.

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