Royal round up: 29th September

Happy Sunday darlings! I’m back!
Just a quick note to apologise for the lack of posts recently; that irritating thing called life got in the way and I’ve had to deal with x, y and z – but fear not, all is good over here and I’m raring to go again.
Well – I think I’ve kept you waiting long enough my dears, so let’s dive right in!
Harry and Meghan in Africa 
Bloody hell, what a shitshow this has been, and an unnecessary one at that. 
As if they weren’t already in the news enough, Harry and Meghan (with Archie) flew to South Africa to… well… I’m still not sure of the point of the tour, but I’ll rack my brains and try and remember. 
Upon arrival into SA, Meghan made sure Archie was dressed for a ski trip in Switzerland, rather than arriving into a warm African climate – just like any good mother would. 
I know Meghan’s always had trouble dressing herself appropriately, and this tour was no exception, but I really didn’t think that issue would extend to her child. I mean really, how difficult can it be to dress a 5-month-old kid? 
I can only imagine this was her attempt at “hiding” her son from the cameras.
After their grand entrance, Harry and Meghan did more mundane shit, like waving, gurning and hugging children that looked like they really didn’t want to be touched by either of them. 
“Yeah, just keep your head where it is, or it’ll block the camera’s view of me.”

And in love with the sound of her own voice, Meghan took this opportunity to give a speech, which as per, she managed to make all about herself.

In a lovely condescending tone, she spoke all about how she was a member of the royal family now, but as a woman of colour, was still “there as their sister”.
“Remember – I am just like all of you… only richer, paler and more manipulative.”

I’ve gotta say, the folk sat behind her didn’t look too convinced by her feeble efforts to persuade them that she’s normal either – perhaps it was the dresses that cost thousands of pounds and all the private jet trips that did it.

“Da fuck she talking about?”

As the day wore on and after doing yet more pointless crap, Harry and Meghan got changed and embarked on what appears to be Meghan’s favourite activity at the moment – eating – all while carrying out her other favourite past time – talking about herself.

The two of them sat down to various snacks, where unlike in Morocco, Meg was actually polite enough to NOT refuse the food on offer this time, and got stuck in.
“Yeah, I did tell her to lay off the samosas.”

Then, apparently aware of all the bad press they’ve been getting and going against their previous “requests for privacy”, they trotted out the most powerful PR tool they could think of – their poor, defenceless baby. 

“Yeah – this oughta do it.”

With Britain apparently not good enough to see Archie first, Meghan very kindly “unveiled” her nearly 5-month-old son on a different continent, with Desmond Tutu of all people being the first to see the kid (and creepily enough, plant a kiss on his head). 

Are we sure HE’S not the father?

Archie then joined Harry, Meghan and Desmond for tea – where Meghan tried her hardest to look as convincing as she could, playing the part of a mother who spends a lot of time with her child. 

“Yeah, I know, babies are gross but it’s fucking funny because I’m not the only who normally wipes his arse.”

…and Archie tried his hardest to get somebody else to adopt him.

“I don’t give a shit about being seventh in line, dude – get me the FUCK outta here.”
Once the Sussexes were sure they’d generated enough positive PR, they then decided to promptly dump him back on the nanny and cracked on with their infantile hand holding and pointless engagements. 
On one such trip, they visited a mosque – where Meghan appeared to forget she had to take her shoes off when entering the holy building until prompted. 
Harry appeared to be unsure about removing his also – likely because he finally got a new pair without holes in and was nervous about having them stolen.
“But… I spent my whole week’s pocket money on these.”

On a side note, we all know I hate everything Meghan wears, but this outfit was a fucking travesty. 

When I saw the photos and before I read the headline, I genuinely thought it was a snippet promoting the latest season of “Breaking Amish”.
“So this morning, after we milked the cows and churned the butter, we gathered some berries and chopped some wood for the fire.”

And on top of that, I really do think somebody needed to tell Meghan that the whole point of wearing a headscarf is so that it covers as much of your head and your hair as possible. 

Not doing it right, babes

Yeah, somehow I don’t think Prophet Muhammad would’ve been too thrilled with that one. 

“All women must have their heads covered in a place of worship – apart from you, Britain’s Duchess of Sussex; you may have your ratty extensions hanging out.”

And then, Meghan undertook a solo engagement where she could be the centre of attention (which I’m sure gave her an orgasm)- and so, complete with unflattering jumpsuit, she went to visit an HIV group (probably to talk more about herself).

“Did you get the photos of me looking like I give a shit? Ok – are we done then?”
She was also kind enough to dump Archie’s cast-offs on them, because they should feel so bloody privileged to wear something a non-Prince once probably had explosive diarrhoea in. 
“No darling, don’t be silly, you don’t get the Givenchy one – but you can have this cheap crap someone sent us from Oxfam.”

Aw – a modern day Mother Theresa.

“Here – have this apple he didn’t finish for breakfast, too.”

Meg then proceeded to hold another middle finger up to the British public and told everyone that she “will always do what she wants to make herself happy” and “will fulfil her hearts desires while carrying out her royal duties”.

I mean, that’s not really breaking news, is it? It’d be like Gandhi telling you he was Indian. 
But with the final instalment of The Meghan Show over (for now), Harry headed out to other African countries alone (to do a bunch of shit I don’t care about) and Meghan further increased her already fat carbon footprint by jetting off to Johannesburg with Archie – where the weather is in it’s 80s, but she still wrapped him in a thick woollen blanket and jumper. 
“I sense a camera 100 feet away.”

More alarmingly, she still doesn’t appear to know how to carry her baby. With Archie crushed to her chest constantly, perhaps she’s permanently damaged his spine or simply isn’t aware of what babies are like at that age, but just in case she needs telling – babies can actually hold themselves upright at 5 months old. 

He doesn’t need to be held like a sack of spuds.
It isn’t dangerous for him to be able to move his head and look around. 
And a thick blanket isn’t needed in 80 degree heat. 
She reminds me of Nicole Kidman in The Others, where she’s constantly covering her kids’ heads because she believes they’re allergic to the light.
Honestly, the way she hold him is the same way my university flatmates and I used to cart bags of wine back from Tesco before a big house party. 
“Defend that shit with your life – our student loans don’t come in for another two weeks.”
Meghan – please carry that child on your hip and let him look around and see the world a bit. I promise you it won’t kill him. But you crushing him to your chest just might. 
In older news.. 
There are a few items I missed the chance to weigh in on, and even though they are a few weeks old now, you know me – I wouldn’t like to the lose the opportunity. 
So – let’s zip through a few! 
Meghan’s trip to NYC
Ever the doting mother, Meghan dumped her small son on father and nanny to fly across the Atlantic and watch a tennis game – because apparently Serena Williams is more important than Archie. 
What’s with her passion for wearing denim to tennis matches?
Practising for her return to the acting scene, Meghan dished out her best “I’m so concerned for Serena” face (which was about as convincing as Oscar Pistorious telling us he didn’t intentionally murder his girlfriend).
“Praying for you Serena, but also – cameras.”
The only thing I was convinced of all evening was that Meghan had found her next target in Serena’s husband.
“Husband number four! 😍”
Meghan’s John Lewis visit 
To launch SmartWorks, Meghan visited a John Lewis store somewhere, where she got a chance to unleash her usual (poor) Diana-esque imitations – grinning, trying to look doe-eyed and hugging everybody (which is starting to verge on creepy).
All that aside, my favourite moment was when she said she had to get home as it was “feeding time for the baby”…
Forgetting the strange wording for a moment, which made it sound like she was chucking meat into a shark tank, and “the baby” (like he’s an inanimate object rather than her child) – someone please tell me what the hell she was talking about.
I feel like this was a desperate bid to convince people she’s breastfeeding, but as an actress, maybe she should be familiar with the term “plot hole”; this one being that she couldn’t possibly be nursing, as she had just spent three days in another country without her child.  
“Hey Meg, where’s Archie?”, “Lol, probably starving at home.”
Unless of course she’s actually a jersey cow and expressed enough milk to freeze and leave Harry with for three days, I’m gonna guess she’s not breastfeeding and I couldn’t give a tiny rat’s arse either way. There are many mums that don’t for whatever reason – but you don’t need to lie about it. 
“Here, Harry – whack this in the freezer.”
Please, love – put a sock in it. 
Alright my lovelies – I’m off to Cornwall next Saturday for a long weekend, so with a five hour train journey on my hands, I’ll try and get as much writing done as possible for the next instalment.
In the meantime, have a lovely week, thanks again for your patience with the posts and I’ll see you all next weekend! 💖

30 responses to “Royal round up: 29th September”

  1. Love it! Glad you’re back!!! The one thing I’m getting from this tour is, they really need to let Princess Diana rest in peace and stop dragging her out of the grave. It’s tiresome for this American. They are only showing bits and pieces over here, mercifully.

    1. Thank you my lovely! 💖 I appreciate it. And I totally agree but at this point, the Diana card is all they have, hence them milking it for all it’s worth. The credit limit’s being breached on that one shortly though!

  2. I missed you!! I’ve been looking for your blog in my inbox! I’m glad you’re back!

    1. Ahhh darling, thank you so much! It’s good to be back 😘

  3. Hurrah, you’re back.. Great post as always

    1. Thank you my lovely! ❤️

  4. Curious about his supposed age. Why are the bottoms of his socks always dirty like he has been standing? Maybe why she clutches onto him like the Holy Grail. Can’t let him loose to prove the lies?

    1. I’ve thought this too, because at some angles, he looks bloody huge for a 4-5 month old and yes, I noticed the socks as well… bit odd for a baby that can probably just about sit up and is seemingly carried all the time…

      1. I’m no baby expert (I avoid them whenever possible) but I looked at the pics in the evening paper and thought ‘five months old? come ON!’ showing him off in SA is a nice finger up at the people who pay for her, as well.

        How does she walk in those stilettoes when they look a size too big? does she get carried everywhere a la Elton?

      2. Yeah I’m no expert either but I have my doubts when it comes to archie… and I was looking at the shoes and thinking the same! You could fit three fingers in that gap at the heel!

    2. The “child” offered up as Archie was really about 9mths old. 4-5mths old babies still cannot hold their heads up for any length of time, nor are they strong enough to try to stand – but as we know MM is the Virgin Mary & Archie (Rachei.l) is the next messiah so of course he was intrigued by Table mountain (Not!) Note that Harry refuses to interact with this child? This could be the only time he has told the truth – “this is NOT MY CHILD” The socks were also about 2 sizes too small as well as being grubby – which is Very weird – but then I place “ITS” age around 9 mths not 4-5mths. I would hate to be Archie (if real) as a teen – poor kid.

      1. Interesting. Like I say, I’m no expert but my immediate reaction was that this kid is nearer a year old than five months. PH probably doesn’t react with him because Archie seems to be superglued to his mother, and who wants an unseemly tussle over the baby in public?

  5. I’m so glad you’re back. Brilliant take as usual and the Oscar Pistorious comment made me LOL (scared my cat) because it was so spot on.

    1. Hahahah thank you my love! It’s good to be back! 😊😘

  6. I have missed you!!!! This trip is being played up as a huge win. But really? This pair needs to relocate to somewhere without media coverage. Antarctica perhaps? At least she’d have to stay covered. The hypocrisy of the dreadful duo is mind boggling. Archie is too young to travel to Balmoral but can jet off to Nice, SA, and wherever it was they celebrated her birthday. She has to rush home for “feed time” but she can run off to NYC for a tennis match and then Italy for a wedding. This tour is a joke, a pr campaign is all it is but the media is lapping it up. I keep telling myself that someday soon they will wake up to a letter telling them that the gravy train has left the station and sorry but not sorry you were left behind.

  7. Great take on everything, as always! I was happy to see you’re back!! Those two are BOTH repugnant. Poor Archie, who I agree looks like he could stand up and run off if she would just let go of him!!

  8. It took me forever and a day to read what you wrote, Crowns, and the delay was due to my laughing and laughing
    over the #1 graphic of you dancing! Love it! Next time, can you twerk?

    Enjoyed ever so much what you wrote……….As usual. My main concern is that I am still embarrassed that PH
    would hitch up with American MM. Why, PH?!? She’s crazy as a loon and SHE can not dance!

    Enjoy your holiday next weekend, Crowns. Dance, dance, dance!

  9. Brilliant as usual! So far, MM bringing used baby clothes and always walking out in front of Harry are the two things that have irritated me most. The way he looks at her is almost alarming… as if he’s contemplating a murder/suicide pact as his only way out.

    I did read somewhere else that MM is dressing like Diana and dressing Archie as wee Harry, with photographic proof… thus the wholly inappropriate cold weather attire on the poor little thing.

  10. Glad you’re back and ok. Was getting a bit worried there for a moment darling! I just can’t wait until this circus side show is over and we’ve seen the last of her conniving narcissistic ways…but then what will we do for entertainment? Hope she remembers to leave Harry’s goolies on the way out along with family silver. Have a lovely time in Cornwall!

  11. Hi! I’m new, but love your blog. The purpose of this tour is to play the Diana card as much as possible to try and make up for the negative press of the last 6 months. Next week, can we get your thoughts on Harry’s Diana cosplay walking through a cleared minefield, Meghan’s “secret” engagements, and Skyping into Harry’s engagement? Also, is Harry ever going to get to hold Archie again? Jeez, let the boy sit with his dad! I think she clings onto him so that she can’t be cropped out of the pictures like she was when he was born. She’s ridiculous, and needs to deal.

  12. Welcome back..I always check your blog every Sunday my time as you always do…You never fail to make me laugh..A great read

  13. So happy to see you’re back. Another fab post. So tired of the Diana references and the media apparently lapping this tour up. My only consolation is that MM won’t be able to keep up this pretence, and will be doing something outrageous again soon. Looking forward to your next post.

  14. So good to see you back! And please tell me, is anyone else surprised that “the baby” (his mother’s words) can actually move and interact? I was ready to start calling him “Archie-ficial”, as someone put it in the DM’s comment section. And why did Meghan the animal rights activist include a LEATHER bag in her capsule collection?
    They are getting so boring.

  15. Brilliant as ever. One thing I think is an error – she actually refused to eat anything at the home of those lovely people who had gone to massive amount of cost & time & effort to make them some good food – apparently she just pushed it about on her plate & refused to eat anything – the family were very upset that she did this as it puts a big “Are We less than GOOD” over their heads – they need an apology especially since ME MEEEE had camera’s in the house which is not a “normal” thing at meal for Muslims.

    The child toted around – not theirs – I think Mum was part of their entourage and allowed MM to carry it (we don’t know it’s sex, it’s not theirs for sure regardless of what some are saying – both my children as babies could well have also been Harry’s! (most babies at the age of 4- 12mths look VERY similar to the NON PARENT.

    Personally think nylon is a hideous fabric to wear (yes that horrendous brown/muck coloured “dress” Long Shirt) with low cleavage & bare arms (all terribly WRONG for a Mosque) was plastic How/WHY? I mean – it’s hot enough, wear cotton, but no MM goes for acrylic, nylon & polyester it seems.

    I better stop! Thank you once more for the wonderful parody of their comical “tour” KKxx

  16. Love your blog!

    So funny and so refreshing!

    My two cents… she dressed poor little Archie in the toque (hello, I am from Canada) because she thinks he looks just like Harry and she wants the Princess Diana association for herself – if you recall, in her photo montage for Harry’s birthday, Meggie picked a, somewhat, bizarre photo of Harry with Princess Diana, disembarking an airplane (the viewer cannot see Princess Diana’s face, just her golden hair) – in that photo, baby Harry wore that exact same toque with the pompom. Sooooo… for the first moments of public scrutiny, Meggie has calculated and she wants the public to see her disembarking an airplane holding mini Harry in her arms (the toque is the tip off)… bringing back the nostalgia and warm feelings of Princess Diana. Call me a conspiracy theorist but this one seems obvious to me! (because, otherwise, of course, the hat does not make sense)

  17. Back with a BANG!

  18. Just a FYI, you can express enough milk out and freeze it for feedings at a different time (I had to do this as my oldest was in the hospital for 7 days and we didn’t want to place our newborn in possible harms way by bringing her up there to feed). And since I was gone from her (but still wanted to continue to breast feed when I could be with her again) I had to express milk out at the hospital while there with our oldest.

    1. You are right Ann, but somehow she doesn’t seem like doing that. My kids were breastfed and always cuddled so close to my chest. Just like all breastfed kids. They totally blend into mummy’s body. I don’t know how to explain it better. When she holds Archie it doesn’t look like that at all. It always reminds me holding other people’s kids… Not bad, but just not the same.

  19. Love your blog Saffy! You have a great sense of humor. It’s nice to be able to laugh about all these infuriating stuff. In the US magazines, and on the internet they totally paint them as saints! You cannot say anything bad about them! And people believe it. All the lies. At least the ones that can’t think for themselves.
    On another note I was just thinking that this is a great lesson: when so many friends, family members, etc. warn you about your girlfriend/boyfriend you need to take a moment to think. Not necessarily listen to them, but at least think about it and don’t rush into anything undoable. I don’t even know how many people warned Harry: M’s half-brother, half-sister, her friend Ninaki, Prince Philip, Prince William, and so on… So many people told him to beware.

  20. Melanie Sheppard avatar
    Melanie Sheppard

    They seriously expected to jump on some of the popular issues of the day as if they have never been addressed, searching for the fame associated with them, ignoring the fact that many,many, many more activists got there first…years ago. They are hungry to try and gain a global identity thru some issue that can bring them the fame that they desperately seek. For a women that espouses the idea of being a feminist she has historically succeeded on the “back” of a man. Either using her own Father to further herself by using up all of his money until he has to go into a banckruptcy mode, marrying two others to gain status , and more to the point, using not her own voice but the voice of her husband to put her legal arguments forward against essentially her own Father! A voice most of the public wishes no longer to hear…from either one of them. They have absolutely no understanding or sympathy with the suffering of others or the human conditions most of the world is living with. They should leave the BRF as they bring no value to it…we should absorb this lesson, because they have no values to pass along. They serve only one master…their own educated self-interests.

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