Just a quick note to apologise for the lack of posts recently; that irritating thing called life got in the way and I’ve had to deal with x, y and z – but fear not, all is good over here and I’m raring to go again.
Well – I think I’ve kept you waiting long enough my dears, so let’s dive right in!
Harry and Meghan in Africa
Bloody hell, what a shitshow this has been, and an unnecessary one at that.
As if they weren’t already in the news enough, Harry and Meghan (with Archie) flew to South Africa to… well… I’m still not sure of the point of the tour, but I’ll rack my brains and try and remember.
Upon arrival into SA, Meghan made sure Archie was dressed for a ski trip in Switzerland, rather than arriving into a warm African climate – just like any good mother would.
I know Meghan’s always had trouble dressing herself appropriately, and this tour was no exception, but I really didn’t think that issue would extend to her child. I mean really, how difficult can it be to dress a 5-month-old kid?
I can only imagine this was her attempt at “hiding” her son from the cameras.
After their grand entrance, Harry and Meghan did more mundane shit, like waving, gurning and hugging children that looked like they really didn’t want to be touched by either of them.
And in love with the sound of her own voice, Meghan took this opportunity to give a speech, which as per, she managed to make all about herself.
In a lovely condescending tone, she spoke all about how she was a member of the royal family now, but as a woman of colour, was still “there as their sister”.
I’ve gotta say, the folk sat behind her didn’t look too convinced by her feeble efforts to persuade them that she’s normal either – perhaps it was the dresses that cost thousands of pounds and all the private jet trips that did it.
As the day wore on and after doing yet more pointless crap, Harry and Meghan got changed and embarked on what appears to be Meghan’s favourite activity at the moment – eating – all while carrying out her other favourite past time – talking about herself.
The two of them sat down to various snacks, where unlike in Morocco, Meg was actually polite enough to NOT refuse the food on offer this time, and got stuck in.
Then, apparently aware of all the bad press they’ve been getting and going against their previous “requests for privacy”, they trotted out the most powerful PR tool they could think of – their poor, defenceless baby.
With Britain apparently not good enough to see Archie first, Meghan very kindly “unveiled” her nearly 5-month-old son on a different continent, with Desmond Tutu of all people being the first to see the kid (and creepily enough, plant a kiss on his head).
Archie then joined Harry, Meghan and Desmond for tea – where Meghan tried her hardest to look as convincing as she could, playing the part of a mother who spends a lot of time with her child.
…and Archie tried his hardest to get somebody else to adopt him.
Once the Sussexes were sure they’d generated enough positive PR, they then decided to promptly dump him back on the nanny and cracked on with their infantile hand holding and pointless engagements.
On one such trip, they visited a mosque – where Meghan appeared to forget she had to take her shoes off when entering the holy building until prompted.
Harry appeared to be unsure about removing his also – likely because he finally got a new pair without holes in and was nervous about having them stolen.
On a side note, we all know I hate everything Meghan wears, but this outfit was a fucking travesty.
When I saw the photos and before I read the headline, I genuinely thought it was a snippet promoting the latest season of “Breaking Amish”.
And on top of that, I really do think somebody needed to tell Meghan that the whole point of wearing a headscarf is so that it covers as much of your head and your hair as possible.
Yeah, somehow I don’t think Prophet Muhammad would’ve been too thrilled with that one.
And then, Meghan undertook a solo engagement where she could be the centre of attention (which I’m sure gave her an orgasm)- and so, complete with unflattering jumpsuit, she went to visit an HIV group (probably to talk more about herself).
She was also kind enough to dump Archie’s cast-offs on them, because they should feel so bloody privileged to wear something a non-Prince once probably had explosive diarrhoea in.
Aw – a modern day Mother Theresa.
Meg then proceeded to hold another middle finger up to the British public and told everyone that she “will always do what she wants to make herself happy” and “will fulfil her hearts desires while carrying out her royal duties”.
I mean, that’s not really breaking news, is it? It’d be like Gandhi telling you he was Indian.
But with the final instalment of The Meghan Show over (for now), Harry headed out to other African countries alone (to do a bunch of shit I don’t care about) and Meghan further increased her already fat carbon footprint by jetting off to Johannesburg with Archie – where the weather is in it’s 80s, but she still wrapped him in a thick woollen blanket and jumper.
More alarmingly, she still doesn’t appear to know how to carry her baby. With Archie crushed to her chest constantly, perhaps she’s permanently damaged his spine or simply isn’t aware of what babies are like at that age, but just in case she needs telling – babies can actually hold themselves upright at 5 months old.
He doesn’t need to be held like a sack of spuds.
It isn’t dangerous for him to be able to move his head and look around.
And a thick blanket isn’t needed in 80 degree heat.
She reminds me of Nicole Kidman in The Others, where she’s constantly covering her kids’ heads because she believes they’re allergic to the light.
Honestly, the way she hold him is the same way my university flatmates and I used to cart bags of wine back from Tesco before a big house party.
Meghan – please carry that child on your hip and let him look around and see the world a bit. I promise you it won’t kill him. But you crushing him to your chest just might.
In older news..
There are a few items I missed the chance to weigh in on, and even though they are a few weeks old now, you know me – I wouldn’t like to the lose the opportunity.
So – let’s zip through a few!
Meghan’s trip to NYC
Ever the doting mother, Meghan dumped her small son on father and nanny to fly across the Atlantic and watch a tennis game – because apparently Serena Williams is more important than Archie.
Practising for her return to the acting scene, Meghan dished out her best “I’m so concerned for Serena” face (which was about as convincing as Oscar Pistorious telling us he didn’t intentionally murder his girlfriend).
The only thing I was convinced of all evening was that Meghan had found her next target in Serena’s husband.
Meghan’s John Lewis visit
To launch SmartWorks, Meghan visited a John Lewis store somewhere, where she got a chance to unleash her usual (poor) Diana-esque imitations – grinning, trying to look doe-eyed and hugging everybody (which is starting to verge on creepy).
All that aside, my favourite moment was when she said she had to get home as it was “feeding time for the baby”…
Forgetting the strange wording for a moment, which made it sound like she was chucking meat into a shark tank, and “the baby” (like he’s an inanimate object rather than her child) – someone please tell me what the hell she was talking about.
I feel like this was a desperate bid to convince people she’s breastfeeding, but as an actress, maybe she should be familiar with the term “plot hole”; this one being that she couldn’t possibly be nursing, as she had just spent three days in another country without her child.
Unless of course she’s actually a jersey cow and expressed enough milk to freeze and leave Harry with for three days, I’m gonna guess she’s not breastfeeding and I couldn’t give a tiny rat’s arse either way. There are many mums that don’t for whatever reason – but you don’t need to lie about it.
Please, love – put a sock in it.
Alright my lovelies – I’m off to Cornwall next Saturday for a long weekend, so with a five hour train journey on my hands, I’ll try and get as much writing done as possible for the next instalment.
In the meantime, have a lovely week, thanks again for your patience with the posts and I’ll see you all next weekend! 💖