CrownsOfBritain

Happy Sunday and 1st September all! Hope everyone’s had a good week.
I’ve come back from France at least a stone heavier I’m sure, but ten times more relaxed. Thank you all for your birthday and good holiday wishes – I had a truly lovely week!

I see some fuckery has been afoot with the Sussexes while I’ve been away (what’s new), so oui oui, I am ready – let’s take a look!

Thomas Markle speaks out (again)
I’m feeling really sorry for this guy now.

Yesterday, the Daily Mail published an interview with Thomas Markle and quite frankly, I agree with every last word of what the man said.

He first expressed sadness at not having met his four-month-old grandson, which is perfectly understandable. He questioned why it was he couldn’t meet him (because his daughter is a selfish bitch, perhaps?) and why he hadn’t even met his son-in-law yet either (see previous answer). 

He started out all heartfelt and sad… and then.. he started dragging Meghan (by the weave – and several yards).

First off, he called her out on her bullshit during the Oceania tour when she told everyone that she paid her own way through university – which I was totally there for.

Thomas quickly set the record straight by telling the DM that he paid every single penny toward his daughter’s education and that she was essentially a liar and talking out of her arse.

He then talked about how close the two of them were; he’d come back from work when she was a baby and carry her around the house – they’d go to sports games, he’d drive her to auditions, etc. Basically, he was a normal dad – which clearly didn’t cut it for little old “Meggie”, as he affectionately called his moronic daughter. 

He talked of how he had reached out to her financial advisor in LA with a birthday card for her and got no response… but I wouldn’t feel too bad about that one, Thomas – it’s a good chance they were sacked for telling her she should spend less money. 
Let’s face it, whoever’s advising her isn’t doing a very good job of it. 

And then – the cherry on the cake; he said he didn’t believe her haters were racists and that our annoyance probably stems from Meghan and Harry’s blatant hypocrisy.

Yes Thomas – you hit the nail on the head. Even her own father doesn’t believe her naysayers are racists – just clued up and pissed off about being taken for a ride. 

He actually called them hypocrites, which made me laugh my arse off. He called them out on their private jet trips and asked “if they can fly about the world on private planes, why can’t they come and see me?”
Man – Thomas let them HAVE IT.

He concluded by saying that he would never stay quiet and would keep challenging whatever lies Meghan and Harry put out in the media about him. 

I applaud him, but would advise him to be careful too… The royal family also stop at nothing to shut people up who get in their way and Thomas may just find himself further in the firing line than he is now.

Stay safe, Thomas – but also – keep dragging your useless daughter. And if you want to help co-write a blog on here to REALLY vent your frustrations, do drop me a message on the contact page. 

Harry and Meghan take Archie to the pub

I know he’s Prince Harry’s son, but this is starting a bit early even for him.

But yes, apparently all should be forgiven for their private jet jollies because Harry and Meghan had a “cheap, low-key lunch” at an English pub on a Sunday.

As if any of us actually give a shit, the country pub’s Sunday lunch menu was even published – which was most helpful, I guess; I mean, as a born and bred British girl, it’s not as though I’ve ever had lunch in a pub before.

And the couple were even called “down to Earth” for eating a £15 roast, as though they were now going to start growing their own vegetables for dinner and shopping at Oxfam. The only way these two would be “down to Earth” is if you buried them six feet under it.

The only reason this meal wasn’t consumed at The Ritz is because as far as I know, they don’t do a Sunday roast with cider.

And I don’t remember who penned the article, but if they think Prince Harry drinking a couple of pints down the pub is putting the world to rights, I suggest they remove their head from their arse.

And what of Archie?

Yes – the almost four-month-old tot apparently joined his parents for the outing, with pub onlookers saying that he was “good as gold”, and “didn’t make a noise the entire time”. 
Yeah – funny that. Nobody’s seen him move or make a noise, since… uh… ever. 

According to other pub-goers, Meghan apparently had him in the Sussex Death Grip, because despite the fact there was some sort of carry cot for him, just like with her husband’s hand, she hasn’t quite worked out how to let go yet. 

I do wonder if maybe something’s wrong with the doll’s head, and if she lets go, it will detach from the neck, hence all the holding. 

Admittedly at the age of 26, I’m not particularly close to having a baby, nor do I know much about them, but I do know that they move, cry and at Archie’s age, babble a bit. I find it very strange that nobody has seen this kid’s face properly, heard him make a noise or seen him in any position other than stuck to his mother.

 

Meghan should perhaps receive a medal for being able to eat a full meal while carrying a baby in her arms also; that shit is next to impossible.

I tried it once and dropped a piece of broccoli (complete with a smattering of gravy) on the poor baby’s head. Needless to say – I didn’t attempt that again.

Meghan at SmartWorks 

I didn’t cover this last week as there was enough material to get through, but I’ve had a few requests to write a piece on this, so I’m happy to chime in.

So Meghan apparently dropped by charity SmartWorks for a photo shoot they were doing for their womenswear range.
Admittedly, I only initially scanned this article on my commute into work one morning, as the photos of a gurning Meghan pissed me off more than the fact I was on a jam-packed train that appeared to contain the entire city – but looking at this in more detail, I can’t get over how ridiculous it is.

First of all – who invited her and why?

She only stands around clapping her hands and jumping about like an excited schoolgirl who was just  asked out on her first date – so hardly the behaviour of a royal duchess. 

Secondly, I’m reading that apparently those on set were asked to “not look Meghan directly in the eyes” when meeting her.
Does she think she’s some Saudi Queen or something? Or was she just a bit high and trying to ensure nobody noticed? Judging by all her squealing and squawking, I’d say it was the latter.

This over-the-top fake sincerity by “hugging” people, all while looking like she’d rather die, are utterly nauseating. I would honestly rather strangle myself with one of her ugly creations than receive a hug from Meghan Markle.

They could’ve easily posted photos for the shoot without Meghan being involved but of course, where there’s a camera, there’s Media Markle. She couldn’t resist sticking her ski-slope nose in to ensure she was the main focus of all the photos and Instagram posts, because what better way to highlight a charity than making sure it’s all about you.

I’ve long since blocked the Sussex Royal IG, but honestly, the insta stories for this were a joke; all about what Meghan has achieved for them, who Meghan enlisted to help and how Meghan had been the “driving force” behind it all.

Barely any mention of the actual models and the work they had been undertaking at the charity (with little input from the Part-Time Princess herself), but that’s ok – as long as the camera was pointed in her direction, that’s all that mattered.

The Sussexes are planning their move to LA

So apparently, now realising the entirety of the UK (bar some sad teenagers) think they’re trash, Harry and Meghan think it’s time to hot-foot it across the Atlantic, where they’re labouring under the misapprehension that they’re actually important over there.

Apparently, friends of the couple (Harry still has friends?) reportedly “fear” (well, the public ain’t worried) that the two of them are LA-bound in the very near future, as they apparently “scramble to speed up the process” of moving out of the UK.

I’m a bit baffled by this one; we all knew this was coming eventually (and if it isn’t true right now, it certainly will be in the future), but… what exactly are they planning on doing in California?

I mean, we have enough of a problem paying for these two as it is – so if the Queen thinks we’re going to continue footing the bill for these two layabouts if they piss off to America, she’s fucking senile. 
So – what is the alternative?

Harry stacks shelves in Walmart while Meghan plays housewife?

Harry plays househusband while Meghan goes back into acting?

As far as I know, the USA doesn’t shell out welfare the same way the UK does, so if it all goes tits-up for them (which it will), they’d be better off in England.
They’d be given a nice council house somewhere in Elephant and Castle; a two-bed to start, and then should Meghan have another kid, a nice three-bedroom. 

Sure, there might be some damp in the walls, but that’s a small price to pay for all the perks:
A nice park at the foot of their block of flats, complete with lude graffiti and the local teen hoodlums sitting on the swings, swigging from a vodka bottle (but they might make good babysitters, if Harry and Meghan can no longer afford a nanny).

Surround-sound entertainment of the neighbours trying to kill each other after one too many special brews.

And – if they’re lucky – an honorary ASBO for Archie by the time he’s ten and the chance to become grandparents by the time he’s 13, after he has a kid with Stacey from Number 7. 

As much as I wish the above were true, I’d also be happy to see the back of them. 
So if you want to move to LA, please do so; just be sure to leave your titles behind when you go, ensure it’s a one-way ticket and don’t forget to take Prince Andrew with you.

Let us know if you need any help packing your bags! Off you fuck, Your Highnesses!

On a side note, yesterday marked 22 years since Diana, Princess of Wales died. 💔
If she were here, I’d love to know what she’d make of this mess and the opportunist her youngest son married. £20 says she wouldn’t mince her words.

Well that’s all for this week, my lovelies; see you again next time when I’m sure there’ll be plenty more crap to snipe about – let’s face it, there always is.

Have a fabulous week! 💋