Royal round-up: 1st September

Happy Sunday and 1st September all! Hope everyone’s had a good week.
I’ve come back from France at least a stone heavier I’m sure, but ten times more relaxed. Thank you all for your birthday and good holiday wishes – I had a truly lovely week!

I see some fuckery has been afoot with the Sussexes while I’ve been away (what’s new), so oui oui, I am ready – let’s take a look!

Thomas Markle speaks out (again)
I’m feeling really sorry for this guy now.

Yesterday, the Daily Mail published an interview with Thomas Markle and quite frankly, I agree with every last word of what the man said.

He first expressed sadness at not having met his four-month-old grandson, which is perfectly understandable. He questioned why it was he couldn’t meet him (because his daughter is a selfish bitch, perhaps?) and why he hadn’t even met his son-in-law yet either (see previous answer). 

He started out all heartfelt and sad… and then.. he started dragging Meghan (by the weave – and several yards).

First off, he called her out on her bullshit during the Oceania tour when she told everyone that she paid her own way through university – which I was totally there for.

“And one day, maybe you too can be like me; a social-climbing, dad-and-dog -abandoning, spoilt, entitled, compulsive liar.”

Thomas quickly set the record straight by telling the DM that he paid every single penny toward his daughter’s education and that she was essentially a liar and talking out of her arse.

He then talked about how close the two of them were; he’d come back from work when she was a baby and carry her around the house – they’d go to sports games, he’d drive her to auditions, etc. Basically, he was a normal dad – which clearly didn’t cut it for little old “Meggie”, as he affectionately called his moronic daughter. 

I’ve got a few other nicknames for you to choose from if you’d like, pal

He talked of how he had reached out to her financial advisor in LA with a birthday card for her and got no response… but I wouldn’t feel too bad about that one, Thomas – it’s a good chance they were sacked for telling her she should spend less money. 
Let’s face it, whoever’s advising her isn’t doing a very good job of it. 

And then – the cherry on the cake; he said he didn’t believe her haters were racists and that our annoyance probably stems from Meghan and Harry’s blatant hypocrisy.

Standing ovation please

Yes Thomas – you hit the nail on the head. Even her own father doesn’t believe her naysayers are racists – just clued up and pissed off about being taken for a ride. 

He actually called them hypocrites, which made me laugh my arse off. He called them out on their private jet trips and asked “if they can fly about the world on private planes, why can’t they come and see me?”
Man – Thomas let them HAVE IT.

“Yeah fuck you, you pair of grandchild-hoarding liars.”

He concluded by saying that he would never stay quiet and would keep challenging whatever lies Meghan and Harry put out in the media about him. 

I applaud him, but would advise him to be careful too… The royal family also stop at nothing to shut people up who get in their way and Thomas may just find himself further in the firing line than he is now.

Stay safe, Thomas – but also – keep dragging your useless daughter. And if you want to help co-write a blog on here to REALLY vent your frustrations, do drop me a message on the contact page. 

Harry and Meghan take Archie to the pub

I know he’s Prince Harry’s son, but this is starting a bit early even for him.

But yes, apparently all should be forgiven for their private jet jollies because Harry and Meghan had a “cheap, low-key lunch” at an English pub on a Sunday.

Like every other fucker in England

As if any of us actually give a shit, the country pub’s Sunday lunch menu was even published – which was most helpful, I guess; I mean, as a born and bred British girl, it’s not as though I’ve ever had lunch in a pub before.

Wow – thanks for that. How insightful!

And the couple were even called “down to Earth” for eating a £15 roast, as though they were now going to start growing their own vegetables for dinner and shopping at Oxfam. The only way these two would be “down to Earth” is if you buried them six feet under it.

The only reason this meal wasn’t consumed at The Ritz is because as far as I know, they don’t do a Sunday roast with cider.

And I don’t remember who penned the article, but if they think Prince Harry drinking a couple of pints down the pub is putting the world to rights, I suggest they remove their head from their arse.

“Fear not the global warming Great Britain, for I had two pints of Stella.”

And what of Archie?

Yes – the almost four-month-old tot apparently joined his parents for the outing, with pub onlookers saying that he was “good as gold”, and “didn’t make a noise the entire time”. 
Yeah – funny that. Nobody’s seen him move or make a noise, since… uh… ever. 

According to other pub-goers, Meghan apparently had him in the Sussex Death Grip, because despite the fact there was some sort of carry cot for him, just like with her husband’s hand, she hasn’t quite worked out how to let go yet. 

I do wonder if maybe something’s wrong with the doll’s head, and if she lets go, it will detach from the neck, hence all the holding. 

Admittedly at the age of 26, I’m not particularly close to having a baby, nor do I know much about them, but I do know that they move, cry and at Archie’s age, babble a bit. I find it very strange that nobody has seen this kid’s face properly, heard him make a noise or seen him in any position other than stuck to his mother.

“Mummy, I think… I think his head’s coming off again.”
“Yeah, don’t look directly at it.”


“Holy shit – is that a Baby Born?! So 2005, Aunt Meg.”

Meghan should perhaps receive a medal for being able to eat a full meal while carrying a baby in her arms also; that shit is next to impossible.

I tried it once and dropped a piece of broccoli (complete with a smattering of gravy) on the poor baby’s head. Needless to say – I didn’t attempt that again.

Meghan at SmartWorks 

I didn’t cover this last week as there was enough material to get through, but I’ve had a few requests to write a piece on this, so I’m happy to chime in.

So Meghan apparently dropped by charity SmartWorks for a photo shoot they were doing for their womenswear range.
Admittedly, I only initially scanned this article on my commute into work one morning, as the photos of a gurning Meghan pissed me off more than the fact I was on a jam-packed train that appeared to contain the entire city – but looking at this in more detail, I can’t get over how ridiculous it is.

First of all – who invited her and why?

“Yes, not too close, dear… I SAID NOT TOO CLOSE!”

She only stands around clapping her hands and jumping about like an excited schoolgirl who was just  asked out on her first date – so hardly the behaviour of a royal duchess. 

Secondly, I’m reading that apparently those on set were asked to “not look Meghan directly in the eyes” when meeting her.
Does she think she’s some Saudi Queen or something? Or was she just a bit high and trying to ensure nobody noticed? Judging by all her squealing and squawking, I’d say it was the latter.

This over-the-top fake sincerity by “hugging” people, all while looking like she’d rather die, are utterly nauseating. I would honestly rather strangle myself with one of her ugly creations than receive a hug from Meghan Markle.

“Give me a hug!…. you washed your hands first, right?”

They could’ve easily posted photos for the shoot without Meghan being involved but of course, where there’s a camera, there’s Media Markle. She couldn’t resist sticking her ski-slope nose in to ensure she was the main focus of all the photos and Instagram posts, because what better way to highlight a charity than making sure it’s all about you.

“No idea what you’re talking about, just don’t block the camera’s view of me.”

I’ve long since blocked the Sussex Royal IG, but honestly, the insta stories for this were a joke; all about what Meghan has achieved for them, who Meghan enlisted to help and how Meghan had been the “driving force” behind it all.

Barely any mention of the actual models and the work they had been undertaking at the charity (with little input from the Part-Time Princess herself), but that’s ok – as long as the camera was pointed in her direction, that’s all that mattered.

The Sussexes are planning their move to LA

So apparently, now realising the entirety of the UK (bar some sad teenagers) think they’re trash, Harry and Meghan think it’s time to hot-foot it across the Atlantic, where they’re labouring under the misapprehension that they’re actually important over there.

Apparently, friends of the couple (Harry still has friends?) reportedly “fear” (well, the public ain’t worried) that the two of them are LA-bound in the very near future, as they apparently “scramble to speed up the process” of moving out of the UK.

Any way we can assist?

I’m a bit baffled by this one; we all knew this was coming eventually (and if it isn’t true right now, it certainly will be in the future), but… what exactly are they planning on doing in California?

I mean, we have enough of a problem paying for these two as it is – so if the Queen thinks we’re going to continue footing the bill for these two layabouts if they piss off to America, she’s fucking senile. 
So – what is the alternative?

Harry stacks shelves in Walmart while Meghan plays housewife?

“Wait – does the caviar go in aisle two?”

Harry plays househusband while Meghan goes back into acting?

“Was that the chocolate log that went into the oven, or one of Archie’s turds? Ah well.”

As far as I know, the USA doesn’t shell out welfare the same way the UK does, so if it all goes tits-up for them (which it will), they’d be better off in England.
They’d be given a nice council house somewhere in Elephant and Castle; a two-bed to start, and then should Meghan have another kid, a nice three-bedroom. 

Just like Kensington Palace

Sure, there might be some damp in the walls, but that’s a small price to pay for all the perks:
A nice park at the foot of their block of flats, complete with lude graffiti and the local teen hoodlums sitting on the swings, swigging from a vodka bottle (but they might make good babysitters, if Harry and Meghan can no longer afford a nanny).

Surround-sound entertainment of the neighbours trying to kill each other after one too many special brews.

And – if they’re lucky – an honorary ASBO for Archie by the time he’s ten and the chance to become grandparents by the time he’s 13, after he has a kid with Stacey from Number 7. 

Archie’s version of an Ok! mag spread

As much as I wish the above were true, I’d also be happy to see the back of them. 
So if you want to move to LA, please do so; just be sure to leave your titles behind when you go, ensure it’s a one-way ticket and don’t forget to take Prince Andrew with you.

Let us know if you need any help packing your bags! Off you fuck, Your Highnesses!

On a side note, yesterday marked 22 years since Diana, Princess of Wales died. 💔
If she were here, I’d love to know what she’d make of this mess and the opportunist her youngest son married. £20 says she wouldn’t mince her words.

“Honestly sweetheart, why did you marry such an idiot?”

Well that’s all for this week, my lovelies; see you again next time when I’m sure there’ll be plenty more crap to snipe about – let’s face it, there always is.

Have a fabulous week! 💋

36 responses to “Royal round-up: 1st September”

  1. *I’m reading that apparently those on set were asked to “not look Meghan directly in the eyes” when meeting her*

    Apparently anyone who was presented to the French king and queen at Versailles wasn’t supposed to look at them. And we all know how well things turned out for the French monarchy. Seriously, what IS this woman’s problem and who does she think she is? pushing off to LA? thousands of us will help them pack.

    1. That’s insane! Oh geez. And yeah – I’d happily help them pack! Xx

    2. Hey where’s the new round up??? Its been weeks! I hope you are in good health and all is well and we are waiting for you to say all our thoughts about soooo much. So hurry back back please!!! ☺

  2. So happy you had a lovely holiday!

    Let’s get real; MeGain was higher than a kite in a hurricane at the Smartworks shoot. Her horribly cringe-worthy affectations fooled no one; the micro expressions caught in stills told a different story. You’re right, very nauseating.

    Nobody wants them here and we only provide for illegal aliens (for some reason), so they should stay put. Unless they want to house sit here in south Florida for me while Hurricane Dorian comes through… 😉

    1. Thank you lovely! 💖 hahahahaha your comment made me laugh – think they should take you up on that offer 😜

  3. Great post, as always! When I saw your new post alert come up, I gleefully clicked right on it. ☺️. Laughing so hard at fuckery being afoot! 😂😂😂. And it sonis! Also, I believe poor ole Thomas M, too. He’s about had it with them, it appears. Go Thomas! Maybe he will come and vent – wouldn’t that be fun!? 😁. As always, a great read. Thank you!

    1. Thank you darling! 💖 totally agree – poor Thomas. The Sussexes are like a soap opera!

      1. Erica Mcnaughton avatar
        Erica Mcnaughton

        A soap opera, its more like a disaster movie 😂🤣😂🤣

      2. RMM is like Marmite – you either Love her or hate her – there is no in between!

    2. Yea “fuckery being afoot” made me laugh too. And a few weeks ago when she said they announced they were only having 2 kids and she said “thank fuck” Lmao!!!! I so look forward to reading these! Its been weeks though now! What up???!!!

      1. She’s back!!! I was getting worried so I was glad to see the new post pop up!! It’s hilarious as always!! The Oscar Pistorious comment made me spit my tea out! Hahaha!

  4. Saggy, I wrote a reply and I thought I posted it but it doesn’t seem to be here. Hmmm, I’ll wait a while to see if it shows up somehow so as not to post twice!! ☺️. However, great post. I’m howling with laughter here! 😂❤️😂

  5. Apparently the pub is now saying they were not there at all. It would be awesome if some of the articles stating they were would go back and fix that. Sooo glad you are back and I’m glad you had a great vacation!

    1. Thank you my love! 💛 and I saw that as well – they were probably told to button it by the Sussex camp. Weird folk…

  6. Marble & her lap dog are so far up their own backsides that it’s been years since they saw daylight. I love your blog, love the way you tell it like it is, if they left these shores never to return, this old lady would be ecstatic. Have a great week lovely, I look forward to your next offering.

    1. Thank you so much lovely! 💖 totally agree with you and have a lovely week also!

  7. Erica Mcnaughton avatar
    Erica Mcnaughton

    Do you know, isnt it just heartbreaking for Thomas. I feel so sad for hin, i really do. Very bad mannered of Harry not to have even met him. Im sure a little plane trip could have happened to at least meet him before the wedding. Its so wrong. As a thought, when the time comes i wonder if madame would even attend his funeral. Its so very very sad. I dislike her intensely about this. My father brought me up and i wouldnt be the person i am without his guiding hand. Oh Megan one day girl you will regret your actions.

    1. if she were a normal person, I think she’d eventually regret this – but she seems to be a narcissist, and I’ve never know one of these to ever blame themselves for any problems with a relationship. In their minds, its always the other person’s fault.

  8. Erica Mcnaughton avatar
    Erica Mcnaughton

    Just a thought, is there any whispers about the book Samantha was writing, i do hope so. It would probably confirm what we all know.
    I can see nothing but negativity in the coming years as the Sussexes continue to fail in everything they do. Look whats happened in the past year and a half. Give it five more years and everyone on the planet will know how they act, and i would imagine they will feel as we do.
    I did hop over to instagram and took a look at her sussex account. I can tell you i was nearly sick…… i wont be visiting it again!!!!
    Sugar and spice and everything ….. ugh!!!!

    Im so glad i found your blog, thanks to Yankee Wally

  9. You just can’t make this $%#t up can you?? Welcome back btw darling hope you had a blast! Ever thought of writing a book?

  10. So glad you had a lovely vacation! As for Cringe and Ginge’s move across the pond, this comes as no surprise – only someone as stuck up as Nutmeg could think that she won’t have to adapt in any way. Her “homesickness” comes across as her frustration at not being Diana’s second coming. Thomas Markle said that she cannot change history, by which he meant that many people know the truth about her (rather unimpressive) past, but this could also mean that the bad acting she’s putting on – pretending she cares – will get her nowhere. Or at least back to the trashy Z-list reality of LA. By the way, she must have hated that pub pit stop, if there ever was one. I’m surprised she didn’t pull out her air fresheners.

  11. You never disappoint! Love ❤️ your blog, keep up the great work 👏👏👏

  12. If it’s true the eyes are the window of the soul, there wouldn’t have been much to see for anyone who did look directly into MM’s eyes. Glad you had a happy holiday and even ‘more glad’ you had time to share your blog with us. Great way to start the day, your blog and a fresh cup of coffee. Thanks!

  13. Yay Saffy another great piece with the very funny comments under the gifs.

    I feel for Thomas Markle Snr. He’s damned if he does comment & damned if he doesn’t – stone & a big boulder. PH should have visited him to ask for MM’s hand -(I have harped on about this since the announcement) However, he would probably have told PH the truth which ME MeAgain couldn’t have as she had already worked out her father was no longer any use in her new status. The very least she could do is sent a photograph to him. “He made her what she is” (as in before she sexed her way up the various poles to get a better “deal”). Mr M you are better off without your daughter RMM sadly, plus she doesn’t actually have a baby – it’s all more lies.
    Happy September everyone, and once more Thank you Saffy for writing up the past week!! KKxx

  14. Glad you had a nice holiday Saffy…thank you for another entertaining blog on the Sussex family…keep them coming

  15. Nope, we don’t want them back in the USA……MeGain is another absolutely USLESS faux wanna be A-List celeb….she never even ran in the same circles as A-List (usless) actors to begin with. If Meghan and Garry think the American public will bow and kiss ass to them if they do come across the pond. Ain’t gonna happen. She’s NOT any kind of Royal as we don’t have that in the USA. Meghan can’t stand the fact that she can’t be in control of her situation so she just breaks protocol and Queen looks the other way. WHY?
    Yep, y’all can keep her.

  16. Nope, you can keep her on your side of the pond. MM never ran in A-List circles when she lived here, hardly anyone even knew who she was to begin with except tween followers on her IG account which I never heard of…..most actors and celebrities had poor childhoods and she’s no exception so they are all starved for attention. MM is no different. She knew what she was getting into when she married into the Royal family and we Americans on this side of the pond know the British press is worse than the American press. Feel sorry for her….. not even.

  17. Welcome home – another jewel from Sapphire!

    ON a serious note…that GIF of The Princess of Wales looking at PH. THAT is love. Not the simper-smirk of false emotion we see oozing from MM. It really brings the point home what GENUINE emotion looks like.


  18. Hysterical! I laughed out loud a few times and co workers were really wondering what I was up to. The memes were spot on! Thank you!

  19. Another fab post. Thank you so much for all the laughs. Satire is the hardest genre to write, and you’ve aced it. Can’t wait to see what you post about this week’s disasters. The Sussexes grow worse by the week. Surely this has to combust soon.

  20. Saffy how you haven’t been headhunted by one of the papers, is a mystery ! You have such a talent ! You’d give guest opinion writers a run for their money !!
    For those Sussex followers wailing and begailing about how wrong it is for Thomas to speak out. They should ask themselves two questions!
    1) What should the poor man do ? He’s tried going through official channels, and been blanked !
    2) Why aren’t you horrified that Meagain lied about who paid for her education !!
    These two are becoming a stain on the BRF ! No amount of PR can change their wilful hypocrisy and their endless need to be relevant and heard !
    Wish HM would send them off to some obscure part of the Commonwealth never to be heard of again !

  21. Great post again.
    There was a disgusting Meg fan on Good Morning Britain (I think she’s been on before) who said she should not forgive her father for what he’s done. What – you mean paid for her education brought her up and loved her? And look at the stuff she’s getting away with.
    I find it ironic that they’ve really only been criticised for the private planes and she’s been getting away with bare faced lies, disgusting behaviour and ridiculing the Royal family. Oh dear, I’m SO angry!

  22. Oh, I’m so glad I found your blog. It’s so good to see others sharing my opinion on this catastrophe and in such an eloquent way :).
    It was clear from the get go that this witch spelled nothing but trouble. She’s a vulgar, American, fame-hungry, C-list actress approaching her expiry date in Hollyweird.
    Vulgar because she clearly loves bling, nouveau riche luxuries, and showing the public that she can spend tons of ‘her’ money. American because she’s completely culture deaf about her new role and British traditions and thinks her American way is the only right way. She clearly doesn’t understand that her primary task is to serve the British public, not her dream to be a world renown celebrity. What else does she think she gets paid for? Fame-hungry because she gets an orgasm every time a camera is looking her way and she constantly gets out of her way to hang around A-list celebrities.
    Now that she has scored a rich famous guy who will open all the doors for her that she couldn’t get through before, and now that she has popped out her meal ticket at the British tax payer’s dime, she can give a sigh of relive. She, the hard core feminist who couldn’t ‘make it’ on her own, has used the oldest trick in the book and sold her looks and fertility to the highest bidder.
    It’s hard to find a bigger hypocrite than her, as she is so blatantly unable to hide how much her real persona diverges from the picture she tries so hard to sell to the public. This makes her simply a very pitiable excuse of a human being.

  23. Anxiously awaiting the next post! I hope you are ok, starting to get worried Meghan did something to you!

  24. Crowns, hope all is well with you? Miss you. God bless and take care.

  25. hi Saffy- miss your posts. It is okay- whenever you can, we ll appreciate it. Just hope you are okay. I m not on Twitter or IG if those are better to stay abreast about your blog!?

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