CrownsOfBritain

It’s that time of week again, guys; where we look at all the crap that has taken place in royal world over the last seven or so days – and believe me, there’s a been fair bit this week!

As a side note, I’ve been blocked from posting on twitter for the next few days after I told a Sussex fan where to go last week, so I can’t share my blog on my page as usual, but would be very appreciative if others would 💖

Ok, so – with that aside, let’s start with the news of the hour: 

Archie’s christening 

Good God, where do I begin with this one? 

So first of all, it came out earlier in the week that Harry and Meghan had apparently decided not to reveal the godparents they had chosen for Archie – in another desperate bid to make themselves appear more important than they actually are, perhaps.

Let’s be real here, they don’t actually need to tell us – I think we can guess who they were: Serena Williams, who’s coincidentally here for Wimbledon at the moment, maybe the Clooneys and likely Priyanka Chopra and whatever Jonas brother she’s married to.

Fucking hell, if I was Archie I’d be so bloody embarrassed already – they may as well have asked the Kardashians to step in too.

Either way, it’s not like any of Harry’s friends would’ve been chosen – let’s face it, the poor bastard doesn’t have any left after Meghan scared them all off and banned him from talking to anyone who dared tell him what Medusa Meg was really like. 

Of course, in regards to godparents, there was the inevitable backlash – from myself included. While I don’t really give a shit who’s godparent to the irrelevant seventh-in-line, and am glad to be spared any Sussex news where I can, I find their determination to withhold information incredibly cheeky. 

Come on guys – you live a life of grandeur off the back of the British taxpayer, yet you can’t even be arsed to share who the godparents are to your kid? 

Those with any brain cells were (rightly) angry about this, but then there were of course a few prats like this who stood around Windsor, dressed like a prick, saluting two people who were essentially sticking two fingers up at them:

Begs the question, but if they were so intent on keeping things private, why on Earth did we need to be told there was a christening to begin with? I mean, they could’ve just quietly had it without announcing it was taking place – they’d get their “privacy”, we’d all still sleep at night and everyone’s happy. 

But no. Thing 1 and Thing 2 have to demand attention, speculation and fanfare at all times, to keep themselves “relevant” and in the media, if nothing else. 

But then, we were treated to a nice glimpse of the Cambridges arriving at Windsor Castle – with William gritting his teeth so badly on the drive in, he has today been fitted for a set of dentures. 

I did hope at one point that he’d do humanity a favour, step on the gas and floor it through the gaggle of Harry and Meghan’s little fans – but alas, while I’m sure the thought crossed his mind, the future King maintained his cool and braced himself for the painful day ahead.

And of course, when it was all over, Harry and Meghan very kindly threw their (rather dense) fans a couple of scraps – two photos snapped of the day, which as usual, I have several thoughts on.. 

I give you – Picture Number 1:

Well if a picture speaks a thousand words, this one’s a fucking dissertation.

Forget the baby for a minute, my favourite is of course The Duke of Cambridge, who looks like he’s either having a stroke just at the prospect of being part of this “family photo”, or is seriously desperate for a dump. I imagine being around Meghan for longer than ten minutes has quite the effect on your bodily functions, so I can’t say I blame the dude. 

The Duchess of Cambridge is my second favourite, as she also appears to be battling some kind of stomach upset. 

Oh Kate, that grimace has only been seen twice ever – once yesterday and once at Harry and Meghan’s wedding a year ago. Honestly, the poor cow looks like she’d rather be slaving away in an Indonesian factory than sitting within five feet of Media Meg and having to look pleased about it. It’s ok Catherine – we all know how you feel.

Then there’s Harry – who for some reason, wore brogues to his son’s christening and a tie so long, Rapunzel could’ve used it to haul her ass outta that tower.

And one would wager that this royal stomach condition appears to be catching (maybe the dodgy christening catering?), as Hazza too looks like he could use a large dose of Pepto Bismol and being situated within ten feet of a bathroom at all times.

Honestly, for a man who was so desperate for a wife and kids, he didn’t look too chipper to me; more just uncomfortable and like someone had stuck a toilet plunger up his arse. 

But the real tense moment, if it was possible to override the Arctic zone between William and Harry, was the notion to stand Charles next to Diana’s sisters. Yes – someone actually thought it was a smart move to put the late Princess of Wales’s siblings next to the man who cheated on her, used her as a breeding machine and then discarded her publicly not long after. 

One can only imagine this was a carefully calculated move on Meghan’s part to make the Cambridge/Sussex feud look like a scrap between toddlers in the playground by comparison. 

And lastly – we visit mum and son.

Meghan, who also appears to have a rod up her arse, seems to be holding down Archie’s right hand in a tight grip – likely to stop him signalling for help in the formal photographs.

Archie, large eyes wild, searches for the nearest exit, panicking he may never find it:

But there are so many doors – how will I know which one leads to the great outside world?

Maybe Aunty Catherine can smuggle me out in her handbag?

Where’s the fucking Queen when you need her?!

I already felt bad enough for the poor chap, and then we were all “treated” to Photo Number 2 – in which the Sussexes try their hardest to convince us they’re one super happy family. 

Well, the first thing that should be noted is that Archie failed in his attempt to make his great escape, so took to closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at his (somewhat terrifying) mother at all.

The second thing to notice is that Meghan, once again, has a vice like grip on her son’s arm. 

Perhaps it’s force of habit from hanging off Archie’s father, but someone needs to tell her that he’s only two months old – how fucking far does she think he’s going to go if she loosens her grip a bit?

Even in this “tender” moment though, Meghan’s Mealticket isn’t getting much of a look-in. Instead, she chooses to stare at Harry, with an expression I can only describe as one of great desperation.

I won’t even go into the predictable black-and-white filter Meghan has obviously chosen to use, because as usual, she thinks it makes things look more “artistic”. There’s a lot to be said for a mother who is more concerned with what filter to use for a family photo than actually holding her child properly. 

I’ve gone on about this long enough, so I’ll leave it there for now – but what I will say is that given the people the Sussexes know, it’ll only be a matter of time (or a few days) before these “secret godparents” are leaking hints on social media that they were the “chosen ones” for Archie. 

Hiding their identities for the rest of Archie’s life?

Priyanka Chopra 

God this woman’s beginning to irritate the shit out of me.

Ok, so I don’t know if everybody saw this one, but last week, an article came out taken from an interview with Priyanka sometime before Archie was born – stating that she “knew Meghan was always destined for big things”.

And what would those “big things”, be Priyanka?

Being shagged against a wall in Suits?

Asking everyone desperately if they knew any rich men she could marry, because she was pushing 40 and had failed monumentally to crack Hollywood? 

Or stalking a British Prince until he married her, because at 34 and with no other women wanting to marry him, dear old Prince Henry of Wales was running out of prospects?

Hardly what I’d call Romeo and Juliet. 

I do find it funny that this interview was done about three months ago, but only seems to have gone to press in the week leading up to Archie’s christening.

So Priyanka, did you really think Meghan was always destined for great things, or were you just vying for a spot as godparent in advance, just to help keep yourself relevant?

My money’s on the latter. 

Kate and Meghan at Wimbledon 

So earlier this week, The Duchess of Cambridge, as Patron of the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club, took a seat in centre-court for the kick-off of Wimbledon 2019.

I don’t need to go on about this, because she looked absolutely fabulous as per, and as a keen tennis player herself, seemed to be really enjoying herself.

And then… and then… just like a hurricane in the distance… came something we should’ve seen a mile off.

Yes, despite it being reported earlier in the week that Meghan would NOT be attending due to being on “maternity leave” – she did in fact turn up with some “friends” to park her ever-widening arse in the royal box and make sure all the cameras got a nice clear shot of her.

Putting her intense need to be centre-stage to one side for a second, can we just please address her Wimbledon attire?

Er. Jeans. 

Jeans.

At Wimbledon?!

Whatever next – her bloody pyjamas to Ascot?

Did she think she was being modern?

Was she intentionally thumbing her nose at the dress code? (It wouldn’t be the first time.)

Or is she just having issues fitting into pre-baby clothes?

Either way, come on hun – everyone knows you don’t wear jeans to Wimbledon. Or a top with your cleavage showing. Or a blazer that’s so tight, it’s cutting off your circulation. 

And – having not learnt her lesson from last year – a fucking HAT. 

I’m pretty sure that was the exact same hat she carted with her last year, but couldn’t wear because, you know, hats aren’t actually allowed in the royal box. 

And this year, without Kate to give her some serious side-eye, she actually wore the bloody thing – largely because one of her friends told her to, along with an instruction to “now – look happy!”

True to form, Meghan couldn’t be bothered to drag herself out for any of the British players, despite this now being her home, but made sure she was on-hand to cheer on fellow American Serena Williams. Shocker.

My favourite part was when Meghan put a lot of effort into her facial expressions, trying to pretend she understands tennis, when really the only sport she’s adept in is seeking out the closest camera. Bless ya, Meg. You tried.

Well I’ve prattled on for long enough now, so I’ll leave it there for this week; I hope you all had a good one, especially my American friends for your big 4th July celebrations! 🇺🇸

I’ll be back next week – so until then, my lovelies, have a good one!