Royal round-up: 7th July

It’s that time of week again, guys; where we look at all the crap that has taken place in royal world over the last seven or so days – and believe me, there’s a been fair bit this week!

As a side note, I’ve been blocked from posting on twitter for the next few days after I told a Sussex fan where to go last week, so I can’t share my blog on my page as usual, but would be very appreciative if others would 💖

Ok, so – with that aside, let’s start with the news of the hour: 

Archie’s christening 

Good God, where do I begin with this one? 

So first of all, it came out earlier in the week that Harry and Meghan had apparently decided not to reveal the godparents they had chosen for Archie – in another desperate bid to make themselves appear more important than they actually are, perhaps.

Let’s be real here, they don’t actually need to tell us – I think we can guess who they were: Serena Williams, who’s coincidentally here for Wimbledon at the moment, maybe the Clooneys and likely Priyanka Chopra and whatever Jonas brother she’s married to.

Fucking hell, if I was Archie I’d be so bloody embarrassed already – they may as well have asked the Kardashians to step in too.

Yes – really.

Either way, it’s not like any of Harry’s friends would’ve been chosen – let’s face it, the poor bastard doesn’t have any left after Meghan scared them all off and banned him from talking to anyone who dared tell him what Medusa Meg was really like. 

Of course, in regards to godparents, there was the inevitable backlash – from myself included. While I don’t really give a shit who’s godparent to the irrelevant seventh-in-line, and am glad to be spared any Sussex news where I can, I find their determination to withhold information incredibly cheeky. 

Come on guys – you live a life of grandeur off the back of the British taxpayer, yet you can’t even be arsed to share who the godparents are to your kid? 

Those with any brain cells were (rightly) angry about this, but then there were of course a few prats like this who stood around Windsor, dressed like a prick, saluting two people who were essentially sticking two fingers up at them:

Begs the question, but if they were so intent on keeping things private, why on Earth did we need to be told there was a christening to begin with? I mean, they could’ve just quietly had it without announcing it was taking place – they’d get their “privacy”, we’d all still sleep at night and everyone’s happy. 

But no. Thing 1 and Thing 2 have to demand attention, speculation and fanfare at all times, to keep themselves “relevant” and in the media, if nothing else. 

“Don’t look at us… but look at us!”

But then, we were treated to a nice glimpse of the Cambridges arriving at Windsor Castle – with William gritting his teeth so badly on the drive in, he has today been fitted for a set of dentures. 

I did hope at one point that he’d do humanity a favour, step on the gas and floor it through the gaggle of Harry and Meghan’s little fans – but alas, while I’m sure the thought crossed his mind, the future King maintained his cool and braced himself for the painful day ahead.

“Get the fuck out the WAAAAAY! Your future King has spoken!”

And of course, when it was all over, Harry and Meghan very kindly threw their (rather dense) fans a couple of scraps – two photos snapped of the day, which as usual, I have several thoughts on.. 

I give you – Picture Number 1:

Well if a picture speaks a thousand words, this one’s a fucking dissertation.

Forget the baby for a minute, my favourite is of course The Duke of Cambridge, who looks like he’s either having a stroke just at the prospect of being part of this “family photo”, or is seriously desperate for a dump. I imagine being around Meghan for longer than ten minutes has quite the effect on your bodily functions, so I can’t say I blame the dude. 

“Yep. We actually had to attend this shit.”

The Duchess of Cambridge is my second favourite, as she also appears to be battling some kind of stomach upset. 

“I know this smile isn’t coming out right, but hopefully people will just think I’ve had some really shitty botox.”

Oh Kate, that grimace has only been seen twice ever – once yesterday and once at Harry and Meghan’s wedding a year ago. Honestly, the poor cow looks like she’d rather be slaving away in an Indonesian factory than sitting within five feet of Media Meg and having to look pleased about it. It’s ok Catherine – we all know how you feel.


Then there’s Harry – who for some reason, wore brogues to his son’s christening and a tie so long, Rapunzel could’ve used it to haul her ass outta that tower.

And one would wager that this royal stomach condition appears to be catching (maybe the dodgy christening catering?), as Hazza too looks like he could use a large dose of Pepto Bismol and being situated within ten feet of a bathroom at all times.

“Must’ve been that leftover chutney Kate made for Christmas!”

Honestly, for a man who was so desperate for a wife and kids, he didn’t look too chipper to me; more just uncomfortable and like someone had stuck a toilet plunger up his arse. 

But the real tense moment, if it was possible to override the Arctic zone between William and Harry, was the notion to stand Charles next to Diana’s sisters. Yes – someone actually thought it was a smart move to put the late Princess of Wales’s siblings next to the man who cheated on her, used her as a breeding machine and then discarded her publicly not long after. 

One can only imagine this was a carefully calculated move on Meghan’s part to make the Cambridge/Sussex feud look like a scrap between toddlers in the playground by comparison. 

“Yeah, that oughta do it.”

And lastly – we visit mum and son.

Meghan, who also appears to have a rod up her arse, seems to be holding down Archie’s right hand in a tight grip – likely to stop him signalling for help in the formal photographs.


Archie, large eyes wild, searches for the nearest exit, panicking he may never find it:

But there are so many doors – how will I know which one leads to the great outside world?

Maybe Aunty Catherine can smuggle me out in her handbag?

Where’s the fucking Queen when you need her?!

I already felt bad enough for the poor chap, and then we were all “treated” to Photo Number 2 – in which the Sussexes try their hardest to convince us they’re one super happy family. 

Whaddya know – even the baby appears to have a case of wind, judging by his expression

Well, the first thing that should be noted is that Archie failed in his attempt to make his great escape, so took to closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at his (somewhat terrifying) mother at all.

The second thing to notice is that Meghan, once again, has a vice like grip on her son’s arm. 

Perhaps it’s force of habit from hanging off Archie’s father, but someone needs to tell her that he’s only two months old – how fucking far does she think he’s going to go if she loosens her grip a bit?

“Canada, here I come!… actually on second thoughts, maybe not.”

Even in this “tender” moment though, Meghan’s Mealticket isn’t getting much of a look-in. Instead, she chooses to stare at Harry, with an expression I can only describe as one of great desperation.

“I wonder how soon I’ll need to get pregnant again to stop him from losing interest.”

I won’t even go into the predictable black-and-white filter Meghan has obviously chosen to use, because as usual, she thinks it makes things look more “artistic”. There’s a lot to be said for a mother who is more concerned with what filter to use for a family photo than actually holding her child properly. 

A moment of silence for Archie Harrison, who appears to have fallen victim to the Sussex death-grip also

I’ve gone on about this long enough, so I’ll leave it there for now – but what I will say is that given the people the Sussexes know, it’ll only be a matter of time (or a few days) before these “secret godparents” are leaking hints on social media that they were the “chosen ones” for Archie. 

Hiding their identities for the rest of Archie’s life?

Priyanka Chopra 

God this woman’s beginning to irritate the shit out of me.

Ok, so I don’t know if everybody saw this one, but last week, an article came out taken from an interview with Priyanka sometime before Archie was born – stating that she “knew Meghan was always destined for big things”.

And what would those “big things”, be Priyanka?

Being shagged against a wall in Suits?

Asking everyone desperately if they knew any rich men she could marry, because she was pushing 40 and had failed monumentally to crack Hollywood? 

Or stalking a British Prince until he married her, because at 34 and with no other women wanting to marry him, dear old Prince Henry of Wales was running out of prospects?

Hardly what I’d call Romeo and Juliet. 

I do find it funny that this interview was done about three months ago, but only seems to have gone to press in the week leading up to Archie’s christening.

So Priyanka, did you really think Meghan was always destined for great things, or were you just vying for a spot as godparent in advance, just to help keep yourself relevant?

My money’s on the latter. 

Kate and Meghan at Wimbledon 

So earlier this week, The Duchess of Cambridge, as Patron of the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club, took a seat in centre-court for the kick-off of Wimbledon 2019.

I don’t need to go on about this, because she looked absolutely fabulous as per, and as a keen tennis player herself, seemed to be really enjoying herself.

And then… and then… just like a hurricane in the distance… came something we should’ve seen a mile off.

Yes, despite it being reported earlier in the week that Meghan would NOT be attending due to being on “maternity leave” – she did in fact turn up with some “friends” to park her ever-widening arse in the royal box and make sure all the cameras got a nice clear shot of her.

Putting her intense need to be centre-stage to one side for a second, can we just please address her Wimbledon attire?

Er. Jeans. 


At Wimbledon?!

Whatever next – her bloody pyjamas to Ascot?

Did she think she was being modern?

Was she intentionally thumbing her nose at the dress code? (It wouldn’t be the first time.)

Or is she just having issues fitting into pre-baby clothes?

Either way, come on hun – everyone knows you don’t wear jeans to Wimbledon. Or a top with your cleavage showing. Or a blazer that’s so tight, it’s cutting off your circulation. 

And – having not learnt her lesson from last year – a fucking HAT. 

“Honestly, fuck the dress code, I’m telling you this is how the British do it.”

I’m pretty sure that was the exact same hat she carted with her last year, but couldn’t wear because, you know, hats aren’t actually allowed in the royal box. 

And this year, without Kate to give her some serious side-eye, she actually wore the bloody thing – largely because one of her friends told her to, along with an instruction to “now – look happy!”

📸: megan_bandelbanget

True to form, Meghan couldn’t be bothered to drag herself out for any of the British players, despite this now being her home, but made sure she was on-hand to cheer on fellow American Serena Williams. Shocker.

My favourite part was when Meghan put a lot of effort into her facial expressions, trying to pretend she understands tennis, when really the only sport she’s adept in is seeking out the closest camera. Bless ya, Meg. You tried.

“Yes, I really did!”

Well I’ve prattled on for long enough now, so I’ll leave it there for this week; I hope you all had a good one, especially my American friends for your big 4th July celebrations! 🇺🇸

I’ll be back next week – so until then, my lovelies, have a good one!

47 responses to “Royal round-up: 7th July”

  1. I beg to differ, you have NOT prattled on long enough dear! I love your posts. I’m sorry you’re in Twitter jail, would love to hear the story on THAT one. Keep up the funny postings!

    1. Hahahaha thank you my lovely! 💖 I’ll have to share the story on that one 😂😂 really appreciate your comment!

  2. Perfection, as always! In the b&w photo… I kept waiting for wee Archie’s head to loll back… 😉 How old is he now, anyway, 18 months?

    1. Thank you so much darling! 💖 and i know!! Sturdy neck on him for a 2 month old! 😉

  3. Hey, you missed talking about how much Meg’s Dior dress cost. Again, why can’t she support British designers?

    1. Actually crossed my mind but forgot to mention it! A British christening but a French designer? She doesn’t listen or learn.

      1. I am so thankful I have found your site. I liked her at first but had a bad feeling about her integrity hearing the stories of how she was handling the family. Also, have you noticed how deathly quiet Samantha and Thomas Markle have been over the christening. Have they been paid off or is piers Morgan arranging an interview next week?

      2. I don’t think she has any intention of listening to anyody !

    2. Nouveau riche my friend!

  4. That look of adoration that she’s beaming at Harry is the same one she used to stare at him for about 10 beats too long during the wedding ceremony. That’s when I knew she sure she was acting in the role of her lifetime.

    The Wimbledon hat is even more entertaining that her overdone makeup job. I love how she can’t pull it down over her bunched up wig and it just sits there perched on top like Mr. Potato Head’s derby. It’s the funniest thing that happened all week.

  5. Nail on the head, as per.

    And the bit about Archie failing in his attempt to escape had me rolling! Poor little sod.

    The ‘family’ photo was bizarre. I admit Camilla has gone up in my estimation as she is trying so bloody hard in that pic. Everyone else looks like they’ve smelled a fart just as the photographer pressed the shutter. Even Doria looks less than thrilled at being there. MM’s grin is borderline manical. Plus £15k on a(nother) Dior outfit that will never be seen again……

    She will never learn.

    1. maniacal, I should say.

  6. Love your blog! Thank you! So informative and entertaining! There is so much wrong with those two. Poor baby Archie (or Darren – whatever!!). Looking forward to next week’s saga.

  7. Remoulade Sauce avatar
    Remoulade Sauce

    I loved this post and this is my first time replying. I do want to point out regarding Megsy and Wimbledon, that wasn’t the Royal Box but rather random seats on Court One. I am certainly not trying to correct this fab post, but rather point out that they wouldn’t allow her in the Royal Box without dear Kate to babysit.

  8. Love your blog! But am confused about your comment about Charles next to Diana’s sisters. He’s standing next to Doria and Camilla right?

    Also i had a slightly disturbing thought on the godparents. Could they be the Obamas and that is why it is private because they wouldn’t want to appear political with their selection? Think about it, Harry and Michelle were always close and Megan would LOVE to have them.

  9. Crowns, love your commentary. It struck me as interesting that she wore all white like Kate has done. She seemed to be replicating her pose from Kate and George’s family christening shot. Loved that Kate was the one who wore Diana’s earrings that she had worn to Harry’s christening. A sweet touch, but interesting that Meghan has no access to the big or special jewelry.
    Lastly, William’s ability to convey his feelings without uttering a word is priceless. I thought nothing could top the Christmas scarfing, but I was wrong. His expression in the christening photo says it all and I stand with him.

  10. These (hilarious) posts, are the last bastion of sanity, in a world that seems to be slowly turning cult like, in it’s adoration of all things Hazza and Megs ! Any criticism of either of them, on any other blog, is shot down in flames, irrelevant of the facts ! Madness !
    Was hopeful at the start of the week, when Piers Morgan, so enraged at their attitude, almost morphed into Thomas Cromwell, and started a revolution ! But, sadly not, it seems, the likely pair, will keep doing it their way and sod years of tradition and protocol !

    Another great post ! Brilliant in it’s delivery ! Thank You for keeping us all sane, whilst laughing at the same time ! x

  11. I absolutely adore your blog. It’s my favorite Sunday reading ❤️. Master Parchie looks just like his grandpa Markle. I bet Smegs HATES that but it’s karma at its finest. I’m thinking she has been in hiding for so long bc she wide and dumpy and can’t stand it. She will be back on her starvation diet soon and go back to being skinny fat again. She’s needs to invest in weight training otherwise her legs will go back to wheelchair legs again.

  12. Great writing as always! You are so funny. I really enjoy reading your Sunday Round Ups. You are my news source. It’s so much more fun and accurate than the Daily Mail.
    Did anyone notice that Megs looked ten pounds lighter on the Christening photo than the one in Wimbledon? How did she do that?
    She definitely tries to be in the same league as Kate, and tries to be more important, more popular, more whatever. I’m still shocked it’s allowed. At least you get some entertainment for your tax pounds.

  13. Given ALL of the negative things said about W&K that have been attributed to MM (which she could easily deny through the press) it is remarkable that they stood up so graciously at this event. Even the quotes about “being dressed up and hair and makeup done after the birth like Kate” were nasty, but isn’t that exactly what Meghan did two days later for the photo shoot with Archie?

  14. OMG, I laughed so hard over your post! I am really surprised Megs didn’t wear black at the christening since that is her signature color and it does have slimming effects rather than white! So sorry the twit Twitter has kicked you on suspension. I’ve been on suspension myself on Twitter in the past, and I consider it an honor. lol lol I have my own theory about William’s face at the “christening”. I think Diana’s sister (Jane?) wore the fedora to mock Megs. I think William was in on the joke and that is why he had that comical look on his face. Just a thought on my part. The Sussex couple is so crazy, my imagination runs wild at their antics and those around them who are trying to maintain their sanity next to that crazy couple.

  15. Very funny as always! Agree 100% that they shouldn t announce things if not going to be public about it. Tell the plebs after event. Why say anything? For attention as always. Love Thing 1 and Thing 2 and that Harry s tie so long! hahaha Hadn t noticed until you pointed it out. As I ve said before, your attention to detail is spot on! I notice that MM dressed exactly like Kate did for all her childrens baptisms – in cream. Thought MM wants to be “different.” Archie is adorable, of course. Thanks again for the giggles!

  16. Have you seen the questioning over when exactly that picture was taken? The media yesterday informed us the Cambridges arrived at 12 and left at 1pm. The service took 30 minutes. Both the clock and William’s watch say 11:55. William and Kate seem to be wearing different outfits on the day of the christening as well. Why is nothing simple with these two?

  17. I now to your brilliance again! I scared the cat laughing at your description of William. Too true.

    1. I BOW to your brilliance! Sorry

  18. I just came across this site recently, and it’s thoroughly enjoyable! I’m curious about one thing: Why Catherine was shown wearing a blue dress when arriving at Windsor on Saturday, yet the dress she is wearing in the photos is definitely not blue. (See link for phots & description: Do you think the photos were taken on a different date? It just makes no sense. Also a bit odd that Camilla wore the same dress and necklace that she wore to the christening for Louie. That all being said, keep up the great work!

    1. I would think she dressed in blue since it was a boy’s Christening, but carried a different color just in case, and ended up wearing that. She probably does the two dresses thing most of the time.
      To me the oddest of how much weight Megain lost within two days! At Wimbledon she was at least 10-15 pounds less. Even her neck seems much thicker on those pictures.
      The oddity just keeps going on.

  19. “I’ve been blocked from posting on twitter for the next few days after I told a Sussex fan where to go last week”
    And we thank you for your sacrifices.

    By the way, another great article!

  20. One also has to remember Charles dated Diana’s sister, who warned her off him with how unstable she was! Philip of course made them get married. So tragic for all involved – and how Diana was not speaking with her sisters and had not for years but they had to invite them I suppose because they had no one else! Meghan has no family, you know.

    I love your commentary on this farce. They made it so dramatic and overwrought simply because Meghan is addicted to press and cannot live without it. What do you think of the passive aggressive, insane Instagram post where she discusses ‘those who have supported us’ and how it is a special day but she obviously gives no care for what a christening actually IS?

  21. Kate and William look so uncomfortable it is hilarious. 😂 I love your description of it.

  22. I love this blog – I discovered it after a friend sent the link. We both think that Markle is 100% fake and seriously on the grift, and it’s a matter of if not when the marriage implodes and she decamps to the US. As for that picture – you don’t need words really, do you? if Catherine was any further away from the proud mother she’d be out of the picture.

    *Meghan is addicted to press and cannot live without it*

    She cannot get out of the LA mindset that you have to keep pushing your brand otherwise someone else will shove you out of the way and get the jobs and the chances and the exposure.

    1. Sorry, that should be when not if the marriage implodes.

  23. Great post as always! Additional thoughts:
    1. In previous christening photos, the mother’s and father’s families stand behind them, respectively. Once again it is striking that MM has one family member. One.
    2. In lieu of clutching Harry’s arm, MM is leaning against him rather than sitting on her side of the sofa properly for a balanced photo. Ugh.
    3. Hate to say it but I can see where MM gets her smug face from after this photo.
    4. Camilla may look jolly but she honestly strikes me as the kind of upper class Brit who starts drinking at noon and laughs everything off. Besides, don’t the English say, “Truth will out?” They must all just be biding their time.
    5. Another commenter noted this already, but I found it verrrry interesting that it was Kate who had and wore the earrings. If MM has access to royal jewels, as her PR has tried to claim in planted articles, why would she not wear anything from them? I don’t believe for one second it was her choice.
    6. Also interesting that she had no access to the Royal Box. These things speak volumes about her current standing.
    All in all, I feel very sorry for Harry. He seems to have self-destructive tendencies and to be extremely unsure of what he wants in terms of royal duty or a private life. I wish he would have chosen to quietly bow out of the former and marry a nice, normal English girl (of any race, btw!!); I think he would have been much happier. He clearly thought that settling down would bring him stability but sadly he married an unstable person with ulterior motives. So sad.

    1. Harry strikes me as rather naive. He’s royal, he’s probably been protected from people who want to take advantage of his royal status or like MeAgain – who strikes me as an out and out narcissist – he’s lonely and he wants a family of his own. I have a feeling that she played the sympathy card over his mother for all she was worth and presented herself as someone like his mother who Hazza can protect like he couldn’t protect Diana.

      And the balcony shenanigans at TTC were hilarious – all those royals elbowing her out of the way so she couldn’t get near HM. Harry might not have Mystic Meg’s measure but the rest of them do for sure.

  24. thecrownsofbritain, your posts are piercingly funny and reflect how many of us feel about this ridiculous couple. For a previous actress, Markle can’t even ACT like a duchess, lol. Z lister, indeed. Why are these two being allowed to do what they have done up to now? Markle has cheapened the Royal Family and does not seem to support the country or its people. Harry is her mouthpiece and handbag. It would seem that she has brought out the “real” Harry for all to see, and it is looking grim. I would agree that the baptism group picture they pursed out for public consumption is weird. William and his aunts look like they smelled something “off”, lol. Kate really stood out with brave dignity to put up this farce.

  25. *put up with this farce*

  26. bloomsbury101 avatar

    Love your blog. A piece of sanity in this unbelievable debacle. Only wish you had the time to post more often. Thank you for your witty take on a situation that’s getting worse by the day. I don’t understand why this pair is not being reined in. The RF are all tarnished by Harry/Markle.

  27. Great blog. Have you seen Harry Markle on WordPress also? In this week’s edition, he analyses the facts behind Thomas Markle and points out that the same press agency who took the photos of Thomas being measured up for the suit, sitting in the internet cafe and reading the book on English history, was the same photographer who took the photos of Doria in 2016 when she complained of harassment and led to the issuing of that press statement where Prince Harry claimed MM as his ‘girlfriend’…. It is all very curious. I can only hope that this photographer or someone in this agency reveals that Meghan was behind all of these photos. Also, have you seen the article in the Mail about Meghan having an ongoing column in the ​US and UK Vogue to talk about her charity work? It did not mention anything about Buckingham Palace endorsing this appointment so I wait with bated breath to see what their reaction will be…

    1. I have read all the points you have made. I hope the Palace shuts her down !!


    Fill your boots with this one, Meghan fans – 13,000 comments. Our favourite duchess got her security to tell people to stop taking pics of her – at Wimbledon, when the cameras of the world’s media are there – because she ‘wanted to engage with people.’ Looks like it from all those empty seats around her, doesn’t it?

    1. I saw this!!! Bloody outrageous- it’s going in Sunday’s royal round-up!!

      1. The funny thing was, the paper edition of the Daily Mail reported on this, with a big pic of M surrounded by flunkeys and empty seats and an article written by the woman who was told to stop taking photos. On the previous page was a picture of the queen on duty – and the subtext couldn’t have been more obvious. Compare and contrast, readers.

  29. Did you see the picture of her at Wimbledon, how she blocked about forty chairs around her to have “privacy”? She seems rather high maintenance I would say. Saffy, I would love your input on that! Maybe in the next round up?

    1. It’s DEFINITELY going in the next one, my love! Cannot believe how vapid this woman is!

      1. As mentioned today (July 11th) on twitter, PH threw royal reporters (Richard Palmer was one of the reporters) out of an engagement. On a tumblr blog I discovered a possible reason why.

        This tumblr blogger (bella2491) lists all the ways the Sussexes are/will be monetizing their position.
        According to bella2491 MM&PH will only use their own approved people to video, photograph and report events they attend, They will copyright their photos/videos/speeches for their exclusive use. They will allow posting of photos/videos only on their IG.
        Bella2491 seems to think MM&PH are trying to totally cut the press out of their lives.
        There’s lots more information on the tumblr post about ways MM&PH might be making money from their royal appearances.

  30. But as royals they cannot do that!

  31. Royal Flamingo avatar
    Royal Flamingo

    Great post. That hat at the tennis was way too small for Nutmeg’s inflated head and that baby is much too large for a two-month-old. Wills and Kate look as if they were attending an obligatory engagement, not a jolly family gathering.
    And you are so right about her not holding the baby properly. She’s probably not as hands-on as all of her imaginary friends (read: really lame PR team) are trying to convince us she is. That, or that poor child is just a prop.

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