CrownsOfBritain

Since Prince Harry and Meghan Markle wed nine months ago, in true British fashion, the media have looked for any excuse to pick at things in the new Duchess’s life to have a good moan about – but fortunately for them, there is material aplenty. Marrying into a family where divorce is as common as changing your knickers is rocky ground – but more so when there are other factors to deal with also; and with less than a year in, many are already questioning whether or not the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s marriage will last the course. Being the pessimist I am, I say not, but before you take me outside and shoot me – here’s why…

Disregard of royal protocol 

Let’s be real here, as cute and tiny as the Queen is, she’s rather frightening; she’s a powerful figure, the head of the Commonwealth – and for some reason, Meghan Markle doesn’t give two hoots about impressing her. She wears tight or transparent dresses, pushes in front of her husband to greet people and can’t be arsed to curtsy to foreign royalty – hardly a textbook “princess”. Either she’s not getting proper advice from palace courtiers or she’s choosing to ignore it for attention — my money’s on the latter. I do remember the time that Meghan, who has two working arms and legs, managed the arduous task of closing a car door by herself and it made front page news, as though she’d sprouted wings and learnt to fly — despite the fact she’d been told by the palace not to close her own door for security reasons. Maybe tomorrow she’ll start heading out without security? Or dangle her kid off the balcony of Buckingham Palace once it’s born to say hello to the public, a la Michael Jackson? Time will only tell.

Fast moving relationship

If ever a fast-forward button was hit on a relationship, it’s this one. In less than three years, they’ve met, started dating, got engaged, got married and got pregnant – that’s a whirlwind romance if ever I saw it. I’ll be frank — I’ve had longer relationships with a packet of chewing gum. Couple that with the fact that the entirety of their (very short) courtship was Trans-Atlantic, and you’ve got yourself quite an iffy foundation for a marriage. 

I remember when Prince William and Catherine got engaged and he was ribbed by the media for taking almost a decade to propose to her; but let’s be real here, the man was smart — he knew if he married her, she’d likely wind up as Queen Consort one day and he wanted to make sure she was ready to take on that role. While Meghan is (thankfully) never going to be Queen, she is a member of the royal family nonetheless, and I can’t help but feel that this wasn’t thought out very well before the ring went on. She’s a divorcee, an actress, from a completely different country and doesn’t want to play by the rules – what could possibly go wrong?

Trashy family 

Ah, the Markle clan — frequenters of the Daily Mail ‘sidebar of shame’ and a constant source of entertainment for us all. For as desperate for media attention as they may seem, we can’t deny there may be elements of truth to what they are saying. I don’t imagine they would go out of their way to verbally bash a royal family member unless there were shades of truth in there, so I’m inclined to believe (and enjoy) a large portion of Samantha’s ramblings about her selfish sister. And then there are the two Markle half-brothers who gave an interview when Meghan was first going out with Harry and haven’t really been heard from since. Then again, one of them did make a “joke” about kicking Prince Harry’s boney British arse if he hurt Meghan; however much it may have been said in jest, I don’t think threatening the sixth-in-line to the throne would get you in the Queen’s good books, so I assume they’ve been silenced by the palace.

In any case, last I heard, one of them was arrested after getting behind the wheel of a car shit-faced, so go figure —  him and Prince Philip would probably have a lot in common, actually. 

She (still) courts the press

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and in this case, it seems the daughter has just as much trouble keeping her porcelain-veneered trap shut when it comes to the media as her family members do. While she doesn’t speak to the press directly these days (which must be killing her), she does however make up friends and pretend they spoke to various magazines, just to get the point across that she is an incredible person, likes fluffy kittens and reads to the blind in her spare time.

Let’s be honest though, we can’t say we didn’t see this coming — when she first started dating Harry, she was so desperate to show the world she was banging a Prince, one can only imagine she had to be physically restrained by those around her… so she settled for the next best thing — dropping hints on her Instagram account. Does anyone remember the photo of the spooning bananas (what is it with her and bananas?) and another one of her showing off those ropey friendship-bracelet things that Harry gave her and always wears? Considering Meggers hasn’t worn them since before she was engaged, one does have to wonder where they are now – probably in the bin with the rest of her morals.

Meggers gets political

So far, this is the biggest error she’s made — letting her political leanings be known to the public. From her own mouth, she is Anti-Trump and Anti-Brexit; admittedly, these are the only two things I will ever have in common with Meghan Markle, but at the risk of pissing off the Republicans and the Leavers, I will dump my own opinions to one side for now. Bottom line: as a member of the royal family, you are to remain politically unbiased, something Markle has failed to do since joining The Firm. She has spent a lot of time trying to curry favour with the Obamas too, which is strange. I am a fan of the Obamas (cue the pitchforks), but I do find it odd that she spends a lot of time trying to ride on the coat-tails of somebody who is no longer in office, all while shitting on the head of her current President.

And then there’s the article that came out yesterday, which really took the biscuit – one where she joined a bunch of people moaning about how many white, male professors there are in the UK and talked about “what could be done to change this”. Well… er… nothing? Teachers are given jobs based on their qualifications, not their skin colour (as it’s no longer 1950), so I’d advise Meghan to educate herself before chiming in on a subject she knows absolutely nothing about.

Poor relationship with the family

No matter how much the palace try to deny and hide it, it’s very clear Meghan’s arrival into the Royal family has caused a divide between certain members, namely Princes William and Harry. I know, there are a lot of dual Meghan-and-Kate lovers who want to believe the two Duchesses are best friends, take lunch together everyday at the Savoy and are currently co-ordinating Meghan’s baby shower – but at risk of upsetting those people, I think it’s fair to point out that this evidently couldn’t be further from the truth. For two women who are the same age and have found themselves in (almost) the exact same position in life, it is odd that you never see them spend any time together. They didn’t appear to hang out much in the lead-up to Harry and Meghan’s wedding either – at a time where you’d think Kate would be on hand to offer up words of wisdom about marrying into such a powerful family as she had herself seven years earlier. But nope, nothing. The only time we see them in public together are during those tense balcony appearances (where Meghan looks like she’s more pre-occupied with plotting to push Kate off it) and the odd christening or wedding. Otherwise, they seem to exert as much energy into avoiding each other as I do avoiding the dishes – i.e. like the plague.

She doesn’t fit in

I don’t just mean that she looks far less decent in a hat than Kate does, or because she’s a messy dresser; she just doesn’t fit within the ‘royal clique’, as it were. And before all the ‘R-card lovers’ get ready to play their hand, let me explain: we’re not talking about skin colour here. She could black, white or bloody purple for all most people care, but speaking realistically, her and Harry are from totally different worlds. She’s a child of California, a free-spirit and had a relatively normal upbringing; Harry is a British prince, plays polo and probably doesn’t even know what an Oyster card is, much less how to even find the local tube station. Harry’s friends are much the same; also toffee-nosed polo players with trust funds, who won’t even glance in your direction if you don’t have a triple-barrelled surname, so I can only imagine the kind of welcome Meghan got – a recluse for a father, drink-driving brothers and a mother who allegedly did time? The red carpet stayed rolled up in the corner, I’m sure. If William’s friends made fun of elegant, well-spoken Catherine because she had two former flight attendants for parents, I don’t reckon any of Harry’s lot are exactly chummy with the Duchess of Sussex either.

She’s too “celebrity”

The clue is in the title – she’s just bringing too much Los Angeles to London, and not in a good way. I have to admit, I didn’t know an awful lot about Meghan until she started dating Harry, so she really can’t have been that famous before — which is why I suspect her new-found fame has gone to her head a bit. Rubbing shoulders with the likes of Serena Williams and having George Clooney defend her in the press? Come off it. On a scale of ‘1’ to ‘not-a-snowballs-chance’, how likely do you think it is George and Amal would ever speak about her publicly if she was still just a lowly actress on Suits and hadn’t married Princess Diana’s son? I’m gonna go with ‘more chance of me becoming the next Prime Minister’. I do think this is the best platform for Markle though; she can finally associate herself with celebrities she only dreamed about speaking to when she was a struggling actress and can pick and choose A-listers to be her baby’s godparents if she so wishes – a luxury she was not afforded before. But the issue here is that there is too much ‘glitz and glamour’ going on, and not enough focus on her royal duties. I can only imagine the fit she threw after visiting an old people’s home and then realising Will and Kate were bound for the BAFTAs:

Her past is catching up with her

Like I always say — no one leads a saintly lifestyle on the off-chance they marry a Prince one day, but Meghan’s past is unfortunately somewhat colourful, and that does appear to be bleeding into the press more and more these days as people don’t see it as fitting for a royal Duchess. There were some old photos of her prancing around topless on a beach somewhere, another story about her dishing out bags of weed at her first (second?) wedding in Jamaica (hand-rolled by Her Royal Highness herself), and then the other day it was announced that a film she had made some eight years ago is being released shortly, where the Duchess plays a coke-snorting slut, once again, dancing around half naked in front of her mirror. Yikes. I do understand that, like Meghan, women from all walks of life have married into royalty previously; the Duchess of Cambridge barely worked, Princess Sofia of Sweden was a glamour model and Grace of Monaco was also an actress – but alas, Princess Grace she is not. I don’t recall the Princess simulating blowjobs onscreen or engaging in raunchy sex scenes – something that Meghan unfortunately did, and is now having to contend with in the press years later. Sadly, it is all blowing up in her face a bit – no pun intended.

Unlucky in love

I’ll admit, this one seems like a cheap shot, but it has to be said – the woman doesn’t have a great track record when it comes to relationships. Her last marriage to Trevor Engelson lasted only two years, despite them being together for nine in total, and ended with her mailing her wedding ring back to him because she couldn’t be arsed to do it in person. There have also long been rumours of a first marriage being annulled before Trevor Engelson after only a year; whether this is true or not hasn’t been proven, but the Royal Family have a way of making things disappear from the internet if they so wish, so nobody can really discount this. Assuming this is true, this would make Harry her third husband. I’m a pretty easygoing person and accept that everyone has a past, but a woman on her third marriage within the Royal Family is taking the proverbial a bit. No disrespect to any of my readers, but if someone has been married multiple times, you do have to question why it’s not working out for them. Poor, blind Harry clearly didn’t see the massive “hazardous” sign above her head when she went after him. Oh, and then there was that chef-boyfriend she was living with when she met Harry, who she unceremoniously dumped once she realised she had a shot at being a Princess, but that’s another long story in itself.

Harry looks miserable 
I only have one reaction for those who think Harry actually looks better after getting married to Marvellous Meg:

These are probably the same times of people who think Cardi B is a good singer and that the Earth is flat — i.e. retarded. Anybody with a working set of eyes (geez, even those without) can see that Harry is about as happy as Eeyore on a bad day. He’s lost weight, hair and that sparkle he once had in his eyes; he now looks downtrodden, miserable and far from capable when it comes to engaging with the public like he once did. Every public appearance he does now, he looks as though he is using the time to sniff out the nearest exit and make a break for freedom. He trails behind his attention-seeking wife, looking like he’d be more at home holding the train of her dress or the bouquet of flowers she has just received from some school kid, rather than taking the lead as the blood royal he is, and engaging with those that have turned out to meet him.

The funny thing is, Harry spoke for years about wanting to find the right woman, settle down and have a few children; so now that all of this is happening, why does he appear to look so cold and distant? I’d have thought like any first-time expectant father, he’d be jumping for joy and telling anyone who’d listen about his wife’s pregnancy and the pending arrival, but…. nope. Oh wait, there was this touching statement though:

Yeaaaah. Excited new husband and first-time dad? I think not.

As always, I say take what you will from what I’ve written and draw your own conclusions – but for Meghan and Harry, I just feel that the odds are stacked against them. I do honestly feel they were naive in their approach to this marriage, having not known each other long and expecting it to be a cake-walk with the media and public fawning over them at every opportunity. But given the background of the woman he married, I don’t understand how Harry couldn’t have seen this coming – or the possibility that his own popularity would tank also, just by association. That is the dictionary definition of naivety.

With her family intent on dragging her name through the mud, Meghan still indignant on courting the press and the media closing in, I do really feel that it’s only a matter of time before we all get that BBC Breaking News alert we all know is coming – ‘The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have announced their separation.” It may take some time, but boy is it coming.