Royal round-up: 10th November

Hello hello all, and happy hump day!

Whew, well a lot has happened in the last couple of weeks (including two COVID scares on my side) but all is fine.

I like my COVID tests how I like my pregnancy tests

What with the various climate change conferences, Presidents farting and Haz and Megladon sticking their oar in where it isn’t needed, there’s a fair bit to cover.

Not wanting to waste any more time, let’s do a little recap…

Meghan reads The Bench

So apparently, in realising that no one wants to buy her shit book, Meghan (not one to be defeated), has decided to shove her little vanity project in our faces even further by… recording her reading it to us.

Oh, please just piss off

Firstly, Meghan– I can read, I just choose not to do it with that crap you call a book.

Secondly, I’m pretty sure people who can’t read would rather remain illiterate than have to listen to you waffling on about your husband, son, living room sofa or whatever else this ‘book’ depicts.

Thirdly, does she actually think children are interested in this tripe?

When she read it at that school in Harlem a couple of months back, it was abundantly clear by the loud snoring at the back of the class that no one actually wanted to listen to this. Aside from probably having no clue who she actually is, I’m sure they also don’t give a toss about her jobless husband and random toddler either, let alone a whole book about them.

And lastly— she actually introduced herself as ‘Meghan, Duchess of Sussex’….

Can you imagine being that conceited that you think the KIDS you are reading to actually care what your ‘title’ is? Honey, even you claimed you didn’t care about titles, yet here you are trying to lord it over a bunch of kids.

“I’m Meghan, The Duchess of Sussex.”

I don’t mean to make comparisons (but I’m gonna)– if this was Kate, she’d almost certainly have introduced herself as simply ‘Catherine’. Literally the only time ever I have heard her refer to herself as ‘The Duchess of Cambridge’ in the last ten years was earlier this year when a kid on a royal engagement asked her mistakenly if she was ‘The Prince’ and she coyly corrected him.

“Do I look like a bloke to you, love?”

Honestly, just when I thought this woman couldn’t shock me further, she outdoes herself every time. If she still had use of ‘Her Royal Highness’, you can bet your royal backside she’d be whacking that into her title as well.

I suspect this was yet another way of her being able to hear her own voice for an extended period of time, rather than having anyone else’s interests at heart– all I can say is that if I was a kid, her voice droning on about a park bench would certainly send me to sleep pretty quickly.

Meghan to attend female Senators dinner

If there was ever any doubt that Meghan was looking to crack the world of politics, there definitely shouldn’t be now.

Yes, apparently Markle has somehow wangled herself an invite to a female Senators dinner by Kirsten Gillibrand– because if it’s anything a bunch of hardworking career women want at their table, it’s a woman who flitted about on a cable show for a few years and then married a British Prince to level up.

This invite comes off the back of Meghan’s simply awe-inspiring letter to campaign for paid leave for parents– which I’m assuming is something she only gives a shit about in America, because she apparently had no issue draining the UK tax purse of money that could actually have gone to this sort of cause.

“I know paid leave is important, but Fendi…”

And then there was this gem…

“I could hear how sincere she was about advocacy,” Gillibrand told The 19th.

some bullshit
What the fuck-ever

The only thing Meghan is sincere about is furthering her own profile and in all likelihood now, running for President in three years time. I mean really, there are a lot of words I would use to describe Markle, but ‘sincere’ is most definitely not one of them.

And how else did she score this invite, you may ask? Why yes, by harassing senators.

Markle has been working behind the scenes to ensure that paid leave is passed, including lobbying Republican senators for their votes, such as Sens. Shelley Moore Capito of West Virginia and Susan Collins of Maine, according to Politico.

I’m in my car. I’m driving. It says ‘caller ID blocked’,” the senator recounted to Politico, with details confirmed to ABC News by her spokesman. “I thought it was Sen. Manchin. His calls come in blocked. And she goes, ‘Sen. Capito?’ I said, ‘Yes?’ She said, ‘This is Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex.'”

more bullshit ABC reported
Again with this ‘Duchess’ shit!

Seriously, what is this woman’s aversion to just calling herself ‘Meghan Markle’ or even at a push, ‘Meghan Mountbatten-Windsor’? ORRRR– the unthinkable— just ‘Meghan‘!

I mean really, if you’re so passionate about these causes, why don’t you dump the (unearned) titles to one side and just campaign as a normal person? It couldn’t be because– (no, surely not?)– that you know you’re full of shit, simply jumping on the nearest bandwagon and people will only half glance in your direction because of who you married and the title you hold?

America, please watch your backs because this woman is coming for your White House in 2024 and I don’t think there’s any stopping her.

A lot of us already predicted she’d make a beeline for politics a couple of years back and lo and behold, she’s now harassing congress and stalking senators. I mean, she’d be doing Britain a solid, as she’d then finally be stripped of all titles, but the USA would have to put up with her campaigning for the democrats or some rubbish.

And I say ‘campaigning’ only, as I highly doubt anyone would vote that disaster into the White House.

Yes. Very Presidential.

Seriously though, why is this woman being given so much airtime on the matter of paid leave as though she even has a job? Her entire life is fucking ‘paid leave’.

Pretending to lobby for something you know absolutely nothing about because you married a Prince and will probably never have to work again is not only bewildering, but also insulting.

“And even though I don’t have a job, have zero work ethic and earn money for nothing, I stand with you all.”

My advice to any other Senators or politicians who are approached by Markle would be to stop giving this vapid hypocrite any airtime, bleating on about matters she knows nothing about. The sooner we all go quiet and ignore her, the sooner she’ll shut up and bugger off.

COP26

In the meantime, other major items were afoot, such as COP26 in Glasgow, Scotland, which kicked off last week,

“We were running a little late, so we had to take the Jag, yah– best not to mention it during the speech later though.”

While I have a sneaking suspicion many of these people actually flew in on a private jet (just kidding about Wills and Kate– they actually took the train) and were probably only there for the whiskey and haggis, nevertheless, it’s been quite a large series of events, and is still ongoing as we speak.

As reported earlier, the royals were in attendance, specifically Prince Charles, Camilla and The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

“Wills, have some of this babes– I’m so full, I can’t take another bite.”
“Christ– has Louis shat in this one?”

The Queen had been due to attend originally, but as we all know, she’s had a bout of somewhat poor health recently and on doctors orders, was ordered to stay home and rest. Or you know, ride around Sandringham in her car:

“If you think one is parking her arse on the sofa and watching Countdown with a cocoa, you’re bloody mistaken.”

Nevertheless, the other members of the family held it down, rubbing shoulders with foreign diplomats and discussing the change in the earth’s wind level– particularly from Biden’s arse:

“This one’s for sending us Harry and Meghan, Your Highness. From the USA, with love.”

The Queen did, however, send in a virtual speech to be screened at COP, as she could not be there in person– apparently overriding some of self tape her grandson and resident traitor Harry had sent in to be a part of the proceedings.

Yes, apparently Harry and Meghan had tried to send a video of them offering us more stale word salad, but were promptly told where to go once it was learned the Queen would be addressing the summit virtually.

“I would urge you all to pay greater attention to the state of our planet. And if Harry and Meghan try and make an appearance, rest assured, the only carbon footprint will be mine on their arses.”

Honestly, I did have to laugh at that. Two people who longer wanted to be a part of the royal family, working on projects such as this, that the royal family do all the time, now want to muscle their way back in long after leaving?

Harry and Meghan arrive in Glasgow

YouTuber Neil Sean said on his channel:

As you know, they were not invited because it was just senior royals of the British Royal Family.

That didn’t stop the twosome deciding that they could have an input.

According to a source, Harry and Meghan allegedly offered to send a video. Any chance to get on Zoom and they’re there.

Neil Sean

Yes, because being on Zoom means they can clock up some airtime and seize the headlines for five minutes without actually having to get off their rear ends and cross the threshold of their front door.

And seriously, why oh why do they keep trying to wade in on climate change? They’re hardly experts in that area. Their carbon footprint alone could sink Hawaii.

“Let’s just spray-paint ‘British Airways’ on the side, yah– no one will notice, babes.”

Apparently when they found out they had been usurped by one of the most powerful woman in Britain, and Harry’s grandmother, they quietly slipped away and kept their heads down.

This is Harry and Meghan we’re talking about

No, they actually followed this up with a letter instead, because they both have no idea what ‘fuck off’ means apparently.

They then signed this letter off by pledging to make Archewell net zero carbon emissions by 2030, as though anyone actually gives a shite (and because it’s actually going to take that long to undo Harry and Meghan’s private jet damage.)

“…because we made you turn off the heating in your home so we could continue to take private jets and half meet our pledge, but thank you for your sacrifice.”

What they really mean is– they’ll throw out an empty promise, get everyone else to do the legwork and then when that goes tits up, hope that everyone forgets what they said 19 years previously.

We won’t even remember your name by then.

Harry and Meghan talk social media / Meghan is camera shy

So sometime last night or this morning, Harry and Meghan were trending on Twitter for opening their fat traps again on yet another subject they know nothing about – social media.

Doing his wife’s dirty work as usual, Harry took to his laptop to yet again paint his wife as Victim Numero Uno, goign on about how hard done by she is and how terrible she has it because everyone’s out to get her. He actually said:

I lost my mother (Princess Diana) to this self-manufactured rabidness, and obviously, I’m determined not to lose the mother to my children to the same thing.

a 37-year-old dickhead

Sorry Harry, do you and I live on the same planet?

You keep banging on about all this harm your wife is supposedly coming to, living in her mansion behind her tall iron gates with her security and house staff, yet you feel she is in danger… why, exactly?

Because the media and public call her out on her shit? That’s just called being honest, mate– something you and wifey should try sometime.

Yeah — impossible to fathom, isn’t it hun.

He also dubbed the term ‘Megxit’ misogynistic, for reasons I can’t quite understand right now. I don’t see what the term has to do with gender– I believe it was a play on words in relation to ‘leaving’, you know, like Brexit?

In case you’re confused Hazza, it was a UK referendum in 2016 you perhaps missed while you were busy chasing your future puppet master around.

“I was also on a shit-tonne of drugs, which might explain some of my decisions, yah.”

I really think maybe he didn’t get the joke, having never been able to vote and all, so I’ll give him a free pass here.

He also went on to talk about false reporting, giving us this banger of a ‘quote’:

I learned from a very early age that the incentives of publishing are not necessarily aligned with the incentives of the truth. I know the story all too well.

a known and proven liar

Yes Harry, you and Markle would know all about that, wouldn’t you– considering absolutely nothing you ever claim is aligned with the truth.

Why don’t we start with the Oprah interview or perhaps the latest clanger that has dropped while I’ve been writing this today, where it has been made official that Harry and Meghan were involved with the penning of ‘Finding Freedom’?

I won’t actually cover that off today as there is so much to report on there that my head may explode, but rest assured, I cannot wait to dig into that pie.

Back to the social media whining, and not able to resist a chance to open her mouth, Meghan popped up to, to talk about how toxic social media is (again) and how she avoids it (again) because she doesn’t want to ‘listen to the noise’ (again).

Well honey, for someone who doesn’t read anything about herself, do you mind telling us just how you’ve come to be sitting in an interview whining about.. things that have been said about you? I’m not sure I understand how this has happened then.

Meghan, donning her best Mother Theresa expression, tells everyone that there should be a ‘dislike’ button on social media to ‘encourage kindness’.

Yes, and I’m sure the conflict in Afghanistan will be resolved if we just hand the Talibans a teddy bear and world peace would be restored if all the world leaders hit the local pub together. Girl, get a grip.

Also, a ‘dislike’ button is a negative move, not a positive one. So what she’s really trying to say is…

“Yes, exactly! The dislike button is only there to dislike negative comments about me.”

She also said that social media should ‘come with a warning like a packet of cigarettes’. I think she was trying to sound profound, but in actual fact, I’d recommend she couples her packet of ciggies with a bottle of red– it does wonders for your stress levels and she might actually leave us alone for a bit.

Peace at bloody last.

No thank you, Meghan. If you don’t want to be talked about, and we all know you do want to – you’re just upset we’re not saying the sun shines out of your arse, then I would recommend you go away and mind your own business so that there is nothing to report on rather than continually shoving yourself in our faces.

Anyway, this Finding Freedom stuff has completely blown up today– I can’t wait to do a bit more reading and go off about this one in the next post.

Until then, have a good rest of the week, stay safe and we will catch up very soon!

9 thoughts on “Royal round-up: 10th November

  1. Great column. I was laughing so hard I woke up one of my cats. I can’t wait to read the next installment. On a personal note, I would like to thank you for including a GIF of the sexiest man alive, Danish god Mads Mikkelsen.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your blog had me in stitches (as usual)!!! Always love the memes you use & this time my favourite was the one of the guy at the gates saying “Let me in!” And my favourite comment was “If she still had use of ‘Her Royal Highness’, you can bet your royal backside she’d be whacking that into her title as well.” It was the word “whacking” that really cracked me up.

    Sorry to hear about the Covid scare in your family. Hope all is well now.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love it my dear, you pin the tail on the donkey SO very well!
    I’d love to have a Markle free WEEK! Perhaps it’s something we should all start campaigning for?! Kit Katx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Always brightens my day to see one of these pop up in my feed, love your hilariously snarky take on this walking car crash of a woman 😀
    Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

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