Royal round-up: 2nd September

Hello everyone and happy mid-week!

I know, my appearances on here these days are less likely than a reunion between Meghan and Thomas, and for that I can only ever apologise profusely. BUT– I do still like to pop up from time to time, and while sometimes the news may be slightly outdated, outspoken as ever, I still can’t quite wait to stick my nose in.


Harry and Meghan’s new home

They found a home at last and Tyler Perry can finally relax in his own home without two prats and a baby shattering the peace!

“Fucking finally— I thought I was gonna have to issue an eviction notice.”

They must have read mine and my friends’ jokes on Twitter about them sofa surfing, because they’ve actually found it deep down in their bank accounts to buy an $11 million property in Santa Barbara. Apparently Tyler Perry’s sprawling $14 million mansion just wasn’t cutting it for them anymore.

“Harry, are you really going to make me stay in this multi-million dollar mansion for the rest of fucking lockdown?!”

I can’t really say I’m surprised; if they weren’t satisfied living on a royal estate belonging to the Queen of England, it’s not really shocking that anywhere else would be sub par.

I would say ‘good for them’, but really, it’s more good for Meghan than Harry: a house in her name that she will surely get all to herself once she flings Harry out on his arse when he passes his expiry date in about a years’ time.

“Sorry babe, but I have the title, mealticket child and global notoriety now— you’re free to fuck off back to England.”

On a recent Zoom call Harry held to mark the 125th birthday of the Rugby League, after he kindly told them all that ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot’ was racist and they were prejudiced bastards for using it, Mr Sussex himself couldn’t wait to tell everyone about how much he loves his new life out in LA.

You might wanna tell your face as well, mate

He also went on to talk about how it was ‘great’ that Archie ‘finally had an outdoor space to play in’– something they were clearly short of in England of all places.

Yes. I see the problem.

I’m pretty sure Archie had an outdoor space at Tyler Perry’s home too, as we seem to remember you both suing the paparazzi for taking photos of your son while he was.. you know.. outside.

I’m sure all the underprivileged kids you visit on your photo ops charitable ventures would kill for even a patch of grass to play on in Windsor, but as usual, you haven’t really thought before opening that gaping hole in your big ginger (now slightly balding) head.

”It’s just so incredible yah— we don’t have trees OR grass in England!”

Harry also spoke of how he can’t wait to ‘teach his son how to kick a ball’, which may or may not include teaching him how to take aim at his mother, but I guess we’ll never know.

Meghan talks about one particular encounter between her head and her son’s football

In any case, I’m glad Harry has found happiness– even if he needs to say it repeatedly in order to convince himself, as well as us.

Finding Freedom

Talking of finding ‘happiness’, we can now also turn our attention to Dumb and Dumber finding ‘freedom’ too.

Must’ve been horrible in that concentration camp you escaped from

I know this came out a few weeks ago now, but the excerpts of this were WAYYYY too good for me not to comment on. The Daily Mail very helpfully published a myriad of crap that Omid Scobie claims he wrote alone (even though it was quite clear Meghan was sat about three feet from him as he penned it).

“I dunno, just give them some true love, Cinderella bullshit— our fans are so dense, they’d eat my shit if I told them it was chocolate pudding.”

I don’t even need to say any more– I’ll just let the words from the best worst sections of the book speak for themselves.

‘Theirs was a love story that took hold in Africa – where now Meghan, on the last day of an incredible three-week stay, stretched her body into the perfect warrior pose. She quietly took in her surroundings from the grounds of their final home away from home on this trip, a modern villa in Livingstone, Zambia, just under ten miles upstream from Victoria Falls. The rising sun washed over her makeshift yoga garden, while an exotic flock of birds that looked as if they had just had their tails dipped in pots of colourful paints serenaded her.’

If your lunch is still in your stomach after reading that– congratulations.

I mean really, does Meghan actually think we don’t believe she had a hand in writing this? Allegedly only Meghan and Harry were on this trip, so unless one of the pigeons watching her went to Omid directly, it’s looking pretty unlikely that Meghan didn’t write this herself.

‘Meghan’s willingness to help others and her drive to excel meant she often was deemed “fake” by classmates at school who felt it was impossible for anyone to be that “perfect”.’ 

I hope her classmates have all gone on to join the FBI, because they were pretty fucking dead on with branding her as a ‘fake’. I know this quote is trying to make it seem like they were jealous, but like the rest of the world now, I’m pretty sure they just knew a callous social-climber when they saw one.

‘A good friend of Meghan’s called her Grace Under Fire, because despite whatever pressure she was under she didn’t fall apart.’

Really? Because she fell apart and tried to play the victim pretty fucking quickly here in the UK once she realised nobody was buying the bullshit she was selling. Less than two years after getting the ring and already back in California? ‘Liar liar, arse on fire’ is more like it.

‘Extremely organized, Meghan immediately impressed Harry with her packing skills. She has always taken pride in being a great packer – going as far as layering dryer sheets in between her clothes to keep them smelling fresh and no matter her destination always bringing tea-tree oil for bites, cuts and pimples – and her skills were appreciated by the prince.’ 

Unless you’re a total degenerate, who the fuck is impressed by the way someone else packs a suitcase? I mean, I get why Harry might have been; he’s probably had servants to pack his bags for years, so was shocked at seeing someone actually handle their own shit.

Either that or those ‘drying sheets’ had really come in handy in the middle of the night after Harry ate one too many spicy sausages and ran out of bog roll.

“Good work on the packing Meghan, yah— I worried I was going to have to use your yoga mat to wipe one’s arse.”

 ‘”Launching the account was a somewhat liberating experience for Meghan” an aide shared. “Not having a platform of her own to talk directly to the public was one of the toughest changes for her, especially after building so much of her own brand on Instagram and her blog. @SussexRoyal meant that she finally had a place to curate”.’ 

I could be wrong, but I think this roughly translates to “not being able to leak her whereabouts to the paparazzi on a daily basis like she did in Canada, and thus not being in the news every day being treated like the celebrity she ached to be known as, was one of the toughest changes for her.”

‘Harry is admittedly tough to impress, but he almost froze when he walked into the room and saw Meghan. He knew she was beautiful – he had seen the photos on her Instagram account and online – but she was even more stunning in person. Meghan wasn’t just beautiful. She was also different from women he was used to meeting, and Harry was intimidated by new situations’

I’m not just saying this because I don’t like her, but real talk, I have seen better looking women in my local Tesco.

And as for ‘different to the women he was used to dating’, I think that might be code for ‘desperate for the tiara and the only one who jumped at the chance of marrying him’.

Meghan talks to her friends in England

‘Meghan, however, threw him off immediately. It wasn’t just her charming freckles, perfect smile, or American accents. Meghan is someone who works a room very well. In social settings, all eyes are drawn to her. She laughs a little louder, glows a little brighter. She’s self-assured in a way that attracts attention.’

I really wish you all could have seen my expression when I read this for the first time, because it was something of a cross between ‘I’ve-got-explosive-diarrhoea’ and ‘I think I’m having a stroke’.

Omid honey, if she’s ‘laughing louder’ it’s to try and get people to look at her (because they weren’t doing so already) and if she ‘glows a little brighter’, it may have something to do with that highlighter counter at MAC that she evidently face-planted beforehand.

”This oughta give me the fake-pregnancy glow.”

‘Harry was unusually candid for someone with his title, but he was also every bit the gentleman. Wherever they went, and to this day, he gestures for Meghan to go first. The short walk from the living room would have been no different’

Correction: Harry has to gesture for her to go first because before he even waves his fucking hand in the air, she has already elbowed him out of the way and strode ten steps ahead. That’s not being gentlemanly– that’s being abused by your wife.

‘During their two-hour drinks, Meghan sipped dirty martinis while the two discussed gun control, her career, her childhood dreams of becoming either president of the United States or a TV journalist, and her biracial upbringing. Piers was charmed.’ 

Are you sure about that? He doesn’t seem too fucking charmed these days.

I dunno, I sort of feel like… maybe…. he doesn’t like her too much?

‘The move was a winner. As she shifted to the next person in line, she left a trail of compliments in her wake. One woman marvelled at how eagerly Meghan stopped down to speak with her three-year-old.’

Give the girl a Nobel Peace Prize– woman bends over. And not for the first time, I’m sure.

‘Eugenie had always been more than just a cousin to Harry. They were also the closest of friends. Like Harry, Eugenie is loyal, honest and fun.’

Is that why he let his wife announce her pregnancy at her wedding and wear her coat wide open when her stomach was flat as a pancake?

“Yes, so close— watch me fuck her day up.”

‘Part of what helped Meghan get through this difficult time was her faith. “Her relationship with God and with the church is extremely important to her,’ a close friend said. “That’s something most people do not know about her”.’

Which faith was that? Because I think she has changed religions about three times now by my count.

…or just changed them whenever she has changed husbands

‘That summer the couple welcomed a new addition to the family, a black Labrador rescue they named after Botswana’s currency: Pula. The word means “rain” in the Bantu language of Setswana – and for very good reason. With its semi-arid terrains, the country considers rain valuable and a blessing, Just like the high-energy pooch.  

I’m sure Bogart– dumped somewhere in Canada three years ago and still not collected by Meghan since she returned to the USA– is absolutely thrilled to hear this.

Yeah, we won’t take him back in three years’ time because we don’t like him either

‘By not partying like most of her normal college kids. Her friends would never run into Meg, as they called her, at a bar in the middle of the week. Friday nights, when her sorority sisters were all going out to parties, Meg was headed to professors’ houses to babysit.’ 

I suspect she was doing something very different at those professors’ houses on a Friday night, but I won’t comment.

‘Sipping coffee or tea together in the kitchen every morning became a ritual. Then they took turns making breakfast from the organic seasonal produce they ordered from nearby Daylesford Farm or the groceries they had delivered by Waitrose.

Yeah, most couples sit and have a coffee together in the morning– this shit isn’t groundbreaking. Although I suppose they will now also tell us that she milked the cow herself for the drink and even laid the eggs for breakfast.

”I milk the cows, gut the pigs for the bacon, shit out the eggs and then sprinkle sunshine and daises on our plates.”

Honestly, the list goes on and on, and becomes more and more unbearable, but you get the gist—and if Meg really thinks we believe she didn’t play a part in this, then I am Vladimir Putin.

The only advice is I can give you all is to boycott this total load of shite and spend your money on something more worthwhile.

Even crack cocaine

Meghan and Harry’s Zoom calls

They’re back at it again!

Harry and Meghan joined another Zoom call with the Queen’s Commonwealth Trust– after they called the Commonwealth outdated and racist.

Harry was so thrilled to be on the call, he even took a short nap

Firstly, I was glad to see Meghan’s new wig is still going strong. I mean, they were reluctant to pay back the money they owe us on Frogmore, and who knows if they are still even doing this, but as long as they’re keeping old Meggers in horse hair, the world can sleep easy at night.

Secondly, was Harry’s arse being speared by a particularly uncomfortable chair or is he just miserable as all fuck? The man looked positively downtrodden as he sat on the call, while his wife grinned like she’d just swallowed three tabs of E.

I’ve seen Prisoners of War look cheerier.

And what of the topic of conversation? Well, it turned to a cause very close to Meghan’s heart– trolling.

Yes. Out of all the ideas they could’ve brainstormed within six months of a pandemic, sat on their arses at home, this is the very best topic of discussion they could come up with.

Yeah Meg, we all know that you don’t speak out about anything unless it directly affects you somehow, so it is little wonder that you were obviously hinting at your own perceived ‘victimisation’, as you harped on about how we ‘train people to be cruel or kind’.

Yeah alright babe, we’re not a bunch of fucking Labradors.

And pardon me for not wanting to take advice on ‘being kind’ from a woman who kicked her elderly father to the curb and refuses to let him see his 1-year-old grandson.

Harry also threw a rare bit of praise at his grandmother The Queen, saying:

“I think everything my Grandmother wanted to achieve when she took this huge responsibility on, she’s managed.” 

Yeah— all except getting rid of you two.

Meghan very helpfully added:

“Everyone’s mental and emotional well-being are perhaps more fragile than ever before, certainly with COVID and our dependability on devices right now in the absence of human interaction.”

Well I’m sure it isn’t much of a change for you, hun; you kicked all your friends to the curb ages ago anyway, so you were doing little to no socialisation long before the pandemic even took hold.

And in any case, her and Harry have hardly been struggling during lockdown; they’ve a nanny to keep the brat away when they don’t want to deal with him, mansions and private jets at their disposal and their PR team on speed dial– I’d say they’re not doing too badly.

Soz Megs

Once again, please kindly put a sock in it. The only thing we want to hear from the two of you is that you’re getting a divorce.

Harry and Meghan’s Charitable Ventures

Or paid PR opportunities– whatever you’d like to call it.

First stop for the Dynamic Duo– handing out care packages at a back to school event.

”What? I don’t give a shit if the diapers aren’t biodegradable— you’ll take what you’re given. Do you even know who the fuck I am?!”

After taking a private jet to the South LA school, when they could have just gotten behind the wheel of a car and driven, the pair handed out backpacks and nappies (diapers) to support Baby2Baby– a cause which just about everyone in Los Angeles donates to because someone said it was the ‘in thing’ to do.

Can’t tell if Harry’s looking under this kid’s hat or squatting to poo after a long day “at work”

Allegedly parents at the event were ‘taken aback’ by their ‘VIP visitors’, as they did not expect them to be there– probably more because Harry and Meghan don’t usually bother helping other people, so I can see why they were a bit shocked.

“Yah, I’m surprised I’m here as well, babes— I came to LA to hit up film premieres, not hand out Pampers.”

But keen not to slip beneath the camera lens focus, and to also cash in somehow on Princess Diana’s death anniversary, the two also showed up at another school to ‘plant flowers in Diana’s memory’.

A clear moment where Meghan wondered why she had left a life of royal luxury behind in the UK to scrape up soil at some school with her freshly manicured nails.

The pair of prats this time visited a preschool with at-risk children, with Harry deciding this was a good opportunity to wear his mask incorrectly, as they helped children de-pot plants and pot new flowers.
This may or may not have been because Kate already did this and Meghan decided to give it a go too.

”Well, I think this was how Catherine did it, although she looked like she was having more fun than I am now, yah.”

Of course, the Sussexes can’t do anything without the cameras being present, and so they invited along a photographer or two to ensure everyone saw just what good samaritans they are being– while Harry used his mother’s death anniversary as a photo opportunity.

Had it not been for the fact they were only surrounded by a bunch of three year olds, I would’ve expected Meghan to stand up and provide us all with rousing speech about Diana (and making it about herself too), telling us what a wonderful and inspiring woman she was– despite the fact she has never met her.

I mean, it’s not like it stopped her giving a speech at Harry’s dead friend’s annual memorial carol service two years ago— even though the guy died 14 years before she even met Harry

I’m actually willing to bet that none of these children even know who the hell these two are, but I’m sure Meghan isn’t fussed as long as it keeps her name in papers.

20 quid says it’s piss in that kid’s watering can

Well there’s more and more coming out of the woodwork this week, and I’ll be sure to round it all off in my next post so we can laugh at the increasing pile of shit these two are trying to dig out from under them.

Until then– have a wonderful rest of the week and we will catch up again soon! 💋

”Thanks for the offer yah, but I don’t need a ride back to London just yet. Daddy will send a jet over when needed.”

39 responses to “Royal round-up: 2nd September”

  1. Perfect timing lovely lady – I’m just about to leave for work; now I have entertainment for my train ride. Have a wonderful day/evening 🙏😊🇦🇺🌎

    1. Fab!! I’m so glad! Thank you darling and I hope you enjoy! 💖💖

    2. Thank you so very much for all the laughs you gave me, I really needed your wit! I’m going to mention how amusing your current post is on the Nutty Flavor Blog! Greetings from Michigan!

      1. Thank you so much! ❤️

  2. Bahahahahaha! “Yeah, most couples sit and have a coffee together in the morning– this shit isn’t groundbreaking. Although I suppose they will now also tell us that she milked the cow herself for the drink and even laid the eggs for breakfast.” Oh dear. Just hysterically funny. Also the part about bending over. You can’t make this stuff up, can you?

    Thanks so much for another laughter break. You are just so funny!

    1. Thank you my love! I’m so glad you enjoyed it! 😂💖

  3. Always worth the wait! Thx!

    1. Thank you for reading! 💖

  4. an interested American avatar
    an interested American

    Saffy, thank you so much for taking that bullet for so many of us and reading the book!

    The quote about the jealous girls in high school is hysterical. I forgot that Scobie went to school with her and witnessed that first hand ::eye roll::

    It reminds me of a line from the sitcom The Big Bang Theory:
    Sheldon Cooper: “They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that’s why they hated me.”
    Mary Cooper: “Oh, baby. They knew very well why they hated you.”

  5. “You might wanna tell your face that”…hahaha … you miss nothing! I can’t believe that photo where every person is wearing their mask wrong. Good grief! Thanks Saffy, I love it!

    1. I couldn’t believe it either— and around high risk children! Unbelievable! Thank you for the kind comments as always my love xx

  6. As usual, your wicked sense of humour brightened up my day. Thank you Saffy!! I can always rely on your posts to make me laugh hysterically.

    1. Thank you so much my darling! Really appreciate it xx

  7. The excerpts from FF read like satire…I can’t believe someone wrote that drivel!

    Cracking up laughing at your blog post today!!! Always enjoy them😂

    1. Thank you lovely! And I know, I just couldn’t believe it! Xx

  8. Always an exciting day when I see an email from you with a post update. Thank you!
    The planting flowers with the pre-school kids infuriated me, not because they blatantly copied Catherine, but because schools aren’t allowing parents in to settle, soothe or help out their kids due to Covid concerns. These 2 show up with their entourage while parents have to go through a background check and make an appointment. To see their own kids! There’s also the issue of some kids’ photos not allowed on social media for custody concerns. The school nor Omid never answered those questions. Ignoring putting children at actual risk does not make the problem go away, and I truly hope one of the parents sues the school.

    I agree Harry looks awful. So unhappy and mad. Did you see the video he did for rugby? I think it was Danjazone showed a clip that had a sound bite that was MM coaching him. So weird. And now they have a massive Netflix deal that takes away from the hardwork and talents of actual deserving people. 2020 just doesn’t make sense.

    Thank you for your funny gifs and commentary. You are priceless!

  9. Hi, New to the blog but I am LOVING every word!!

  10. Thank you once again for a very entertaining and amusing read.
    Can’t wait for your take on the Netflix saga

  11. Love your work!

  12. It’s sooooo good to hear from you again, I was beginning to get worried. Thanks for the incredible laughs! I really need them these days.

    “Yeah, most couples sit and have a coffee together in the morning– this shit isn’t groundbreaking. Although I suppose they will now also tell us that she milked the cow herself for the drink and even laid the eggs for breakfast.”

    Well, she’s definitely laid an egg in Hollywood! And if the little dear wants any more ovum, she’ll get plenty if she returns to England. Every U.K. taxpayer will be fighting for the chance to hurl one straight at Sparkles. (And I’m certain they won’t ask her afterwards if she’s ‘okay’.)

  13. Will the Sussex saga ever end? I wonder why the infamous duo were allowed at the preschool when I have heard that even the parents aren’t allowed since COVID19. Yet, there are the Sussex duo allowed to be there, up close to the kids, and they don’t even have a child that goes to that pre-school. I understand some parents were not happy they were not allowed to be there nor consulted about Harry and Megs being allowed around their kids. I don’t understand why in America these charities, etc., are allowing these “royals” free rein to do things that Americans aren’t allowed to do. What is up with that?

  14. Oh Saffy! Another brilliant post! I could not stop laughing reading this. Thank you!

  15. You have been absent waaaaay too long. I know, you actually have a life and all, but please never abandon this fabulous blog, because I believe it is your calling. Have you thought of stand-up by the way? Whatever, it looks like you will NEVER run out of material these two numbnutzes provide on an almost daily basis, unless they fall victim to foul play or acts of mother nature. (Sorry, I can’t hep myself!). They have supposedly just inked a multi-million deal with netflix, so your take on that will be eagerly awaited.

  16. You are SO worth the wait! Wonderful as always!

  17. Great reading, as always!
    That quote about “striking the perfect warrior pose” is especially cringworthy.
    The Markle reminds of a Vanity Fair article (NOT written by Katie Nicholl) which remarked that Meghan’s closest friend was probably her publicist.

  18. Always a good day when I see you have a new post. Thanks for the laughs.

  19. Delicious. Thank you.

  20. Elizabeth Wallace avatar
    Elizabeth Wallace

    Wonderful stuff! Just what I needed to cheer up a miserable day!

  21. Another fabulous read and oh so funny!!! You never cease to disappoint with your wit and sarcasm all rolled into one. It’s just a shame we have to get to the end as I enjoy it so much but we mustn’t be too greedy, I know it must take a long time to put together and a lot of thought, it’s very much appreciated.

    Love the line “Yeah, we won’t take him back in three years time because we don’t like him either”, ha, ha, brilliant!!

    We also got that amazing video of David Bowie, thanks so much, he was so incredibly talented and a genius. He makes the Sussexes look like dorks who think they’re something special, when they have nothing to give to anyone except b.s.

    In those photos above DB, the one where Harry is scratching his nose, Markle had said something that made Harry feel uncomfortable, I can’t remember what it was now, but I noticed at the time Harry had that reaction, body language is quite revealing. I haven’t got the stomach to go back and watch it to find out what it was, it was bad enough watching it the first time.

  22. re my last post, I’ve just remembered what it was Markle said. She referred to the Queen as “Your Grandmother”, instead of HM The Queen, or your grandmother, the Queen, obviously Harry didn’t feel it was appropriate in a video being watched around the world and scratched his nose feeling uncomfortable. Meghan was just trying to ingratiate herself back into the RF after insulting them and The Queen, she just doesn’t know when to stop. She has no self awareness.

    Harry referred to HMTQ as “my Grandmother”, after all she is, but Markle is just an interloper and a trouble maker, she has no love for the RF or The Queen, she’s just a wife of a Royal.

  23. Thank you for the laugh. Scabrous prats are crashing soon.

    1. Agreed! Thank you my love! 💖

  24. This is by far the BEST blog!!! I needed that laugh yesterday.

  25. You missed out the nuggets of how Meghan requested the babytobaby charity provide a plane for the, they stayed for 10 minutes, Meghan put her hair up so she could merch the brand of her mask, the charity was provided with a list of instructions how people could behave including the request no one look at them, or speak to them directly. Harry and Meghan really are the gift that keeps on giving…

    1. After my obsessive reading about these two grifters I am convinced that Markle saw marrying into the Royal Family as the greatest merching opportunity ever, without understanding that swanning about commercial brands for $$$$ was NOT going to happen.
      The UK is well rid of these two

      1. We are well shot of them, but we are still paying for them and they still have titles.

  26. Another superb post. I do have a good belly laugh while I’m reading your posts.

  27. Cancelled Netflix.
    Also hoping Jess M realizes the extent to which she’s been used, and opts to pen a tell all. Unlike Samantha, don’t think J would be under any sort of NDA in exchange for money.

  28. You are just too bloody funny!!! Thanks for the laughs darling:)

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