Royal Round-Up: 12th August

Hello everyone! Long time no see!

Firstly, sorry for the massive gap between posts; life has been a bit busier than normal and sometimes I struggle to wrap my head around the fact that my work DON’T pay me to sit at home and write shit about Meghan and Harry.

But as I’ve left it far too long now (it’s been about a month since my last post by my count), an awful lot of drama has gone down.. I know some of these are a little old now, but I still can’t resist having my say, so without further ado, let’s look at some of the highlights…

Harry and Meghan head to the doctors

Well I’m assuming it was the doctor’s– it could’ve been anything else; dentist… plastic surgeon… reborn doll factory.

Either way, some of my very smart and keen-eyed friends on Twitter spotted that was in fact a medical facility in Beverly Hills, where Meghan and Harry were photographed leaving sometime a few weeks ago.

Meghan was sure to channel her inner “Jeepers Creepers” for the outing

Firstly, I hope it wasn’t too private an appointment, as Markle appears to be carrying a transparent case in her hand with some items inside.

Of course, I’m sure the aim of her game was to get people to speculate what was inside that case, and very unfortunately, we took the bait. What could it have been? Floss? Toothpaste? Fertility injections? Harry’s balls, after the final one had been removed? The possibilities are endless.

My first thought was “oh fuck no, do NOT let her be pregnant again”. I don’t actually think I can stand another year of her holding her stomach—even if we don’t have to see as much of it this time as they’re no longer carrying out ‘royal engagements’.

Fuck to the no. I will literally move planets.

Secondly, why is Harry always wearing the same t-shirt? I get that times are hard, but even Meghan was able to stretch to a new potato sack. Harry is literally always wearing the same shirt, like it’s some kind of uniform.

These are no fewer than four different occasions. Maybe Tyler Perry’s washing machine is broken? Or neither of them know how to use it?
“I just don’t know what happened Meghan yah; I put some water in down the wires and it just went fucking apeshit.”

Thirdly, I’d be surprised if what she was carrying were fertility injections, as a) I doubt she’d have time for a second kid now as she goes for world domination and b) most of us seem to doubt she was pregnant the first time anyway.

No— I really think some of my friends were right in guessing that it was a trip to the dentist, but as usual, Meghan wanted to keep people guessing as to why she was in there and that she may possibly be pregnant.

“All eyes on me, bitches.”

Anyway, fuck her; it’s been about a month and no pregnancy announcement so we can cross our fingers it stays that way.

Harry insults the Commonwealth

Quelle fucking surprise— Harry has the knives out for his family again in some way or another.

Harry and Kate share a sweet exchange amidst all the Sussex drama

So during some Zoom chat with Harry and Meghan, that nobody actually gave two shits about, the big ginger berk decided to open his mouth and slag off the Commonwealth, essentially calling them old-fashioned racists.

Well… I’ll bet granny was thrilled with that one.

“Little shit. You’ll be lucky to sleep in the Tower of London at Christmas, never mind Sandringham’s guest wing.”

Harry went on to ‘apologise for the Commonwealth’s endemic racism’— but apparently not for his own racist acts, which he seems to have forgotten while his head has been shoved up his wife’s arse for the last two years.

“Sorry yah guys, the view from Meghan’s arsehole is rather cloudy.”

This shocked a lot of people; first of all, talk about biting the hand that feeds. Harry can slag off the Commonwealth all he wants, but hasn’t he been sponging off its funds for 35 years? You’ve got a bloody short memory, mate.

“Yes, but that was before I met my woke and wonderful wife, yah. Now we’re going to make our own money growing barley in the fields and bagging up Meghan’s old breast milk to sell at the Sunday market.”

Secondly, aren’t you and your wife the President and Vice President of the Commonwealth Trust, or whatever it’s called? Are you honestly criticising what is essentially a place of work for you? Can you imagine if I interviewed somebody for a job at my company, and was all like:

“Yeah, and everyone here is an ageist, racist bastard, but if you think you can handle that, well… then I’ll guess we’ll see you first thing Monday!”

Harry went on to say that ‘confronting the past is what will change the future’ (he’s been spending too much time with his hippie wife) and that ‘it will be uncomfortable, but we must do it, because everybody benefits’.

Yeah and we’d benefit more from you and your wife shutting the fuck up, but hey ho

Oh Harry, do piss off; I think you’ll find there is nothing more ‘uncomfortable’ than listening to two morons so out of touch with reality, telling all the rest of us what we need to do.
Especially since it’s been several weeks already, and I haven’t seen Harry and Meghan make any movements toward changing anything in this area, despite preaching to us all.

Thanks for your message, Sussexes— now here’s one for you:

Archie doesn’t have any friends

Poor diddums.

Yes, apparently mum Meghan has recently grown increasingly concerned that her 1-year-old son doesn’t have any friends, as though Archie himself has any clue that he doesn’t.

Archie tries to allay his mother’s fears

Meghan is apparently upset that Archie is cut off from the world and other kids, as though this isn’t entirely her fault, and thinks he is ‘lonely’.

Meghan— he is a 1-year-old; he’s still likely eating dirt in the back garden and can’t quite shit in a toilet yet— I’m willing to bet he has no idea what ‘friends’ are.

Secondly, I think you’ll find that he had three perfectly good cousins to play with in the UK, but rather than letting her child be normal, mummy dearest thought it was a better idea to rip daddy away from his family, force the three of them to move through two other countries in a pandemic, sever all ties with just about any Windsor that has ever breathed in her direction and then sit in LA whining about why her child doesn’t have any friends.

Meghan tries to work out the root of the problem with Harry, to no avail

On top of this, she even had the audacity to say that she wouldn’t go to a mum and baby group because ‘she is too famous’.

Too famous for what? Talking to other humans? My my, this woman really does have illusions of grandeur. I suppose she thought her non-titled, unimportant baby was also ‘too good’ to fraternise with his eldest cousin, the future King, and his two younger siblings also.

“Do fuck off George; I know you’re the future monarch of Britain and Head of the commonwealth, but your untitled, half commoner, seventh in line to the throne cousin is far more important.”

Please Meghan, pull the other one: you are a fart in the wind, and in two years’ time, I doubt if anyone will even remember your name, let alone consider you to be ‘too famous’ to sit amongst the little people. Though I’m sure she’ll still think she’s the dog’s bollocks, swanning in to yoga classes in LA like:

”Now remember, NO pictures, even though I can spot a camera lens from another continent and no touching my fucking yoga mat… it was created using a bit of carpet I cut out during a state banquet at Buckingham Palace. I won’t be setting foot in there again to re-source the material, so back the shit off.”

No thank you, love. The only person I feel sorry for is Archie, who has been robbed of a childhood hanging out with his cousins, which most of us got to have— and who will probably never have a stable set of friends, as mummy and daddy shunt him all across the world, trying to chase money and fame.

It’s ok, mate—your parents don’t have any friends either, so I guess they’re just giving you a taste of what’s to come.

“Friends? I don’t fuck with those anymore and thanks to me, neither do Harry or Archie!”

Harry nicks money from The Royal Foundation

And just when I thought that fucker couldn’t stoop any lower.

Ok— so he didn’t technically steal it— more annoyingly, it seems that The Duke of Cambridge was involved, but when The Royal Foundation of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge had to disclose their annual financial reports in December last year, two transactions to ‘Sussex Royal’ and ‘Travalyst’ raised the eyebrows of the royal accountants.

“HOW much?! Well.. you can wave goodbye to the refurbished tennis court at Anmer Hall, Your Highnesses.”

It appears that £145,000 was wired to Sussex Royal, while another £100,000 was sent over to Harry’s (sort of) charity, Travalyst— which for all we know is not actually a charitable venture, but a way of Harry and Meghan funding their private jet trips.

”One has duped you all, fuckers— we’ll send you a postcard from Ibiza, yah.”

In any case, the fact that it came to light that Prince William was giving his little brother money from his own royal foundation, seems to really have pissed Harry off— as he now had to admit that ‘Sussex Royal’ wasn’t really able to generate any money on it’s own, and despite trying to act like he and Megs were going independent, he still had to accept bail outs from his family.

“We know we’ve behaved like a real Handout Harry and Mooching Meghan yah, but what were we supposed to do? Sell the Rolls Royce and get jobs? Get real.”

Apparently the reporting was ‘totally transparent’ and neither brother intended to hide the transactions that were made between the two foundations— because apparently you can really hide £245,000 going missing.

I am honestly trying to imagine me doing that with a company credit card at work and getting away with just ‘not mentioning it’ when it came to expenses:

“I dunno… maybe it was that Starbucks I had last week with a client?”

Anyway, so pissed off was old Henry that his team even issued a statement, saying that he was ‘deeply offended’ by the claims that he would take money from his brother’s foundation (but, er, you did?) and that he ‘worked very hard on the foundation for years previously and was ‘very devoted to the charity’.

Yeah and I’ve worked hard in previous companies as well— does it mean they still have to keep paying me after I’ve left the job?

I mean really, what sort of fucking defence is that?

As I say, I’ve previously been ‘devoted’ to jobs as well, but I think they’d have something to say if I left the company and then was like:

”Can you wire me £200,000?”

I don’t know why Harry can’t just admit that the Sussex Royal foundation wasn’t a success and was never going to be one. Sussex cronies love to go on about how much money ‘Harry and Meghan have independently’— so if that’s the case, why didn’t they pump any of this cash into a charity that they seemed to believe so much in?

Simple answer: they wanted to take money, rather than speculate to accumulate, and Holiday Harry and Money Megs thought they were entitled to take a chunk of what William and Catherine were generating, rather than do the hard graft to bring in their own.

Harry— if you want to be independent, go be independent and stop taking money from your brother and sister-in-law. And while you’re at it, please shove that sad little statement up your arse.

Meghan’s Summit Speech

If you can even call it a speech.

So a few weeks ago now, dear old Meghan decided it had been a while since the world had heard her give a ‘speech’ (all of about two weeks), and felt that it was time to get back on Zoom and regurgitate someone else’s quotes, all while trying to take the credit for herself.

Bloody hell, here we go again.

Firstly, fuck the speech— what was going on with her hair?

I understand times are tough and extensions are expensive, but whichever poor horse’s tail she yanked out on the way home from the farmer’s market, I would suggest she return it.

“Bitch, get the fuck away from my tail and grow your own damn hair.”

Being a woman with long hair myself, I don’t normally say this about many other women, but the long hair really does NOT suit her at all.

For a start, you can tell it’s not real, and that is the biggest downfall. It looks synthetic as anything— like back when I was 15 and shopping in Camden Market with my friends and we all thought it would be a good idea to buy plastic-y, electric blue hair extensions.

But moving on from the hair, I was a bit panicked when I saw the dress; Long and loose fitting and possibly trying to hint at a pregnancy (though I am now doubting that she is actually pregnant, as it’s been several weeks and she’d have struggled to keep her hands off her midriff if that were the case).

As with the transparent case she was carrying outside the medical centre, everything is smoke, mirrors and speculation with Markle: even if she is not anywhere near being pregnant, she will still pull stunts to make you think she is. Which quite frankly, is a little pathetic.

She’ll be borrowing her pal Beyoncé’s whoopee cushion next.

And lastly, she ‘speech’ itself.

Look, I have to be honest, I didn’t and couldn’t watch it. Having to watch or listen to anything where she ever speaks leaves me with the deep desire to gouge my own eyes out, and if I did that, none of you would ever get a Royal Round Up ever again, so quite frankly, fuck that.

All I really did was skim over some articles where they documented her ‘inspirational sayings’, which were, in actual fact, more quotes nicked from other, actually influential people.

But of course, as usual, the Sussex fandom lapped it all up— crying over how ‘amazing’ her ‘powerful’ speech was (lol). The only thing that would’ve been ‘amazing’ to me would be if she had trotted out Archie for the video and he had yanked out her clip-ins.

“And as I speak to you today about female empowerment—- hey, get the FUCK off my hair, you little sea urchin!”

As I say, I can’t even go into details of the speech because it’s just too painful, but no doubt it was more rubbish telling women to be independent (while she married a Prince for fame and money) and spouted more shit about ‘female empowerment’, although she couldn’t feel empowered if the royal sceptre was shoved up her arse.

Meghan, please— go away and stay quiet. I’m not interested in the ramblings and plagiarism of a woman who had to marry up to level up. You wanted privacy? Please go have it.

Doria and Archie go for a walk

And mummy and daddy sued.

Yep, sometime a few weeks ago, some German tabloid got hold of photos of Doria pushing Archie around on a toy car on Tyler Perry’s estate, where they are still crashing on the sofa, and the Sussexes blew their top.

Sorry it’s so stretched— it’s the only photo I could find, but quite frankly, who gives a shit what either of them look like anyway

And who wouldn’t thunk it! Paparazzi in LA!

I mean bloody hell, it’s California— did they really not think that the paparazzi would get a photo at some point? You’re in Los Angeles, not Laos.

Secondly, what is there to sue over? He’s a baby in a hat, sitting in a toy car. Hardly world news.

“Hey, no photos of the baby, yah. Although it might be useful for Meghan and I to see— he’s usually in the East Wing with Doria and the nanny, and we could do with a reminder of what he looks like”

Apparently Harry and Meghan were ‘enraged at the invasion of privacy’— although I have visions of Meghan jumping up and down in their kitchen, clapping her hands in glee at a) the prospect of being in the tabloids again and b) the chance to sue, because funds were low and pretty soon they wouldn’t be able to afford Gucci nappies for Archie.

“Ugh, but we can’t go back to putting him in normal PAMPERS, Harry— that’s so 1982.”

For all we know, this wasn’t even the paparazzi— just the Sussexes staging pap shots and selling them to the media through a third party. I can just imagine Harry hanging off the roof of the mansion with his iPhone in hand like:

”Meghan, have we got the fucking shot yet, yah? One’s biceps are really starting to ache.”

And lastly, as the most terrifying item, it appears the mother-in-law has firmly moved in with Harry and Meghan.

Why this has happened, I don’t know; I understand California is still in lockdown and Doria can’t see them all, but honestly, get over it— we’ve all had to put up with not being able to see our families this year.

Also, she appears to be on nanny duty, which is rather funny: what happened to the actual nanny? Did she do a runner after having to suffer through lockdown with Harry and Meghan for months on end?

“Fuck you and your reborn doll— my ass outta here.”

In any case, as much as Harry has claimed he loves Doria, I can only imagine that her presence must be grating on him a bit by now; when I was born, my grandmother (mum’s mum) came to stay for a number of weeks, and after being woken up at 4am everyday to the sound of her washing dishes noisily downstairs, or preparing breakfast thinking that anybody was going to eat at that hour, my dad all but threw her onto the aircraft at the end of her stay.

“Yeah thanks for visiting and all the help with the baby, goodbye WHERE’S THE FUCKING LOCK??!!”

So in short, if it’s not pissing Harry off yet, it will be very soon. And in any case, if I were him, I’d be nervous; one scheming Markle woman is enough, let alone two, sat in the corner of their mansion, plotting their next move like the witches in Macbeth.

You’re gonna need it Hazza

Well that’s all for this week, my dears; I promise I’ll endeavour to be less shit where posts are concerned and will certainly strive to ensure you are getting your weekly posts going forward.

Otherwise, have a lovely rest of the week and I will see you all at the weekend!

48 responses to “Royal Round-Up: 12th August”

  1. OMG you’re back … thank you for laughs & the perfect birthday present! Glad to see you’re as sassy as ever, I don’t know how you do it, but I’m glad you do.

    1. Ahh thank you my love and a very happy birthday to you! ❤️

  2. Welcome back beautiful girl! You have been missed but you’ve more than made up for it with this blog. Wonderfully witty truisms as usual 😊☮️

    1. Oh thank you so much my darling! It always feels good to return after some time away! Lots of love, as always ❤️

  3. Another hilarious post! Word on the internet is that Things 1 & 2 have ‘bought’ a house in Santa Barbara…I put the word ‘bought’ in quotes because let’s face it, if true we know Papa Charles/the British people are the true owners. Anyhoo, I look forward to the next episode of Sussex Shitshow.

    1. Thank you love 💓and I did see that today! Going to round it off this weekend because everything that has come out this week on these two has been hilarious! Can’t wait to take the piss!

  4. SO happy to see your post reminder in my Inbox. I needed that laugh!

    “Quelle Fucking surprise” I am dying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    “I suppose she thought her non-titled, unimportant baby was also ‘too good’ to fraternise with his eldest cousin, the future King.” You my dear, just won the internet.

    1. Hahahaha thank you my darling! Always appreciate the kind words and support! ❤️

  5. I needed me some Saffy today! Thank you for another insightful, hilarious post.🤣 Welcome back, you have been sorely missed.

    1. Ahhh I’m so glad! Thank you darling! ❤️

  6. Succintly, absolutely brilliant.
    True, you have endless input with which to work, but nobody can dice, splice, and fire roast like you. So very worth the wait. Thank you so much.

    1. Thank you so much darling! xx

  7. Just what I needed today. A welcome post from Saffy.

    1. So glad you enjoyed! xx

      1. I always enjoy your posts. So witty and so true xx

  8. I’ve been looking out for your update every day, they’re always a pleasure to read and a good laugh. You never fail to deliver on the laughter front.

    It looks like Meggers may have tried to chop her little finger off in that photo at the medical centre, having to slice the veg up herself no doubt not now been able to afford a chef, she has it neatly bound up in white to match her dress. Probably what she was carrying were a course of antibiotics.

    I agree, that hair looks frightful on her, God what was she thinking. I bet Cardi b wasn’t pleased as Meggers was doing her Cardi b impression complete with the same blue dress. There was an article on the Daily Mail about Cardi b with a photo and the hair and the dress were identical, scary!! Did Meggers not think anybody would notice, what a prat.

    1. I didn’t notice that before– makes perfect sense! I hope it was that and we don’t have to endure another 20-year pregnancy! Thanks also for the kind words my love xx

  9. I just about died with laughter when you were talking about that synthetic cheap fake rats nest she has on her head lol Love your Royal Roundup thanks for the laughs Saffy

  10. Bless you, you made my day! You’re the best!

    1. Ahhh thank you so much my lovely! xx

  11. Oh gosh, I made the mistake of reading this at the end of another vile 16-hour fast. The light-headedness was made worse by my falling off my chair and not being able to catch my breath after seeing the washing machine GIF. And that was just the start. Not laughed so hard for a while, so a million thanks to you over there in Jolly Old. You’re truly the funniest person alive today ;). xoxo

  12. OMG OMG I laughed so hard my side hurts. OMG Your best yet!

    1. Thank you so much love! Glad you enjoyed! xx

  13. Erm, that is a VERY old WP account I just commented under. WTH did THAT come from?

  14. Missed your pithy wit. Welcome back.

    1. Thank you darling! xx

  15. Glad you’re back! Harry, blink twice if you need help…on second thought, you picked Meghan, you are stuck with her

    1. Thank you love! Hahaha I would say ‘poor Harry’, but…

  16. I don’t want to moan, because you do this for the sheer joy of it (lol). But I have suffered severe withdrawal symptoms over these few weeks. Not much good news to distract one from reaching for the razor and sinking into a hot tub. That being said, this was AB FAB! BTW, by now I’m sure you’ve noticed that the numb brains have acquired their own(?) new digs in Santa Barbara — likely courtesy of (what else) The Bank of Dad, courtesy of the fine abused people of Cornwall. I hope you can, in your own inimitable way, get to the bottom of this piece of f***ery if you are so inclined. Thanks in advance. Hope you don’t go missing for very long but, if so, I will patiently await your slash and burn commentary! Meantime, survive, nay THRIVE!
    XO, Janet

    1. Oh tell me about it– thinks are incredibly horrific at the minute in this world! Glad you were able to have a laugh and truly appreciate the comments. I will definitely be commenting on the Santa Barbara move in this weekend’s post, without a shadow of a doubt! xx

  17. Great to see you re back! Very funny as always. Missed you !!! Just read they bought a house in Santa Barbara. I went to UCSB and my sis still lives there. I m po’d cuz it s my favorite town in whole world and now they’re there! Blah!

    1. Thank you darling! Hope they haven’t ruined it too much for you– I’m sure they’ll be onto the next place soon enough anyway! xx

  18. Nearly choked on my mug of tea! But it was SO worth it! Yah?! Great to see you are getting a few minutes to write the sassy blog – as before don’t ever apologise you have a lot on your plate! Sussex Duo/trio (Poor A can you imagine him in a few years reading the stuff on the internet? Poor kid the name itself was daunting!) Finding Fuckups is fooling no one either! Look forward to your take on that! KKxx

    1. Hahaha totally agree! And thank you Kat my lovely, always appreciate it xx

  19. “Bagging up Meghan’s old breast milk to sell at the Sunday market…” LOLOLOL!!! This post was worth the wait!!!

    1. Thank you darling! 😂😂❤️

  20. Welcome back gurl…There are more to blog about the Finding Freebies book.Can’t wait what’s your take on MM peeing in the woods lol..Looking forward for more

    1. Oh there’ll be a full section on that this weekend! Thank you love 💕

  21. Thanks for the laugh. So glad you’re back and everything is ok! It seems that Nutmeg was holding a see-through pouch with an electric toothbrush in it – take it from the child of a dentist 🙂 Maybe she needed a brushing lesson after getting new veneers? Anyway, can’t wait for your take on the book, or, as someone put it in a comment on the DM, “Funding Freedom”. Have a great weekend!

    1. Ahhh yeah that makes more sense! Glad it’s nothing else! And thank you love— looking forward to taking the piss out of that one! 💖

  22. Another birthday girl avatar
    Another birthday girl

    So witty and funny and the gifs take it over the top! Beyoncé’s hypnotized me for a few minutes, but luckily I managed to move past it to read the rest of your wonderful post. Waiting for your cover of the latest debacle. Thanks!

    1. Thank you my darling! ❤️

  23. I love your writing and the perfect gifs you add to accompany your words. You are a gem and a much welcome joy in a grimy world, not to mention spot on regarding the mirthless Smirkles.

    1. Ahh thank you so much lovely, I truly appreciate that ❤️

  24. Thank goodness you’re back. Can’t wait for you to rip their hagiography to pieces. I tried reading the excerpts but kept feeling nauseous so had to stop. Don’t worry if you can’t post every week, they’re always worth waiting for and as you don’t get paid to do this, when you’re working, you’re working. Looking forward to the next instalment. How’s your mum doing by the way? Good I hope. 💕

  25. Welcome back, I almost gave up hope of reading your witty blog.
    Hope your mum is doing well and fully recover.

    Finding Fault is full of others’ faults and blames.
    The book must be written or dictated by Megnut:
    THIS GIRL is kind and unselfish and HARRY is emotionally damaged.
    He was lucky that she came along to release him from his RF’s claws, golden gilded cage.
    Nesting into his trust fund for the mansion?

    Morticia Addams is doing her audition.

    Thank you for taking the time to write, I had enjoyed reading and laughing.

  26. Thank you, I needed to laugh!

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