Royal Round-Up: 12th August

Hello everyone! Long time no see!

Firstly, sorry for the massive gap between posts; life has been a bit busier than normal and sometimes I struggle to wrap my head around the fact that my work DON’T pay me to sit at home and write shit about Meghan and Harry.

But as I’ve left it far too long now (it’s been about a month since my last post by my count), an awful lot of drama has gone down.. I know some of these are a little old now, but I still can’t resist having my say, so without further ado, let’s look at some of the highlights…

Harry and Meghan head to the doctors

Well I’m assuming it was the doctor’s– it could’ve been anything else; dentist… plastic surgeon… reborn doll factory.

Either way, some of my very smart and keen-eyed friends on Twitter spotted that was in fact a medical facility in Beverly Hills, where Meghan and Harry were photographed leaving sometime a few weeks ago.

Firstly, I hope it wasn’t too private an appointment, as Markle appears to be carrying a transparent case in her hand with some items inside.

Of course, I’m sure the aim of her game was to get people to speculate what was inside that case, and very unfortunately, we took the bait. What could it have been? Floss? Toothpaste? Fertility injections? Harry’s balls, after the final one had been removed? The possibilities are endless.

My first thought was “oh fuck no, do NOT let her be pregnant again”. I don’t actually think I can stand another year of her holding her stomach—even if we don’t have to see as much of it this time as they’re no longer carrying out ‘royal engagements’.

Secondly, why is Harry always wearing the same t-shirt? I get that times are hard, but even Meghan was able to stretch to a new potato sack. Harry is literally always wearing the same shirt, like it’s some kind of uniform.

Thirdly, I’d be surprised if what she was carrying were fertility injections, as a) I doubt she’d have time for a second kid now as she goes for world domination and b) most of us seem to doubt she was pregnant the first time anyway.

No— I really think some of my friends were right in guessing that it was a trip to the dentist, but as usual, Meghan wanted to keep people guessing as to why she was in there and that she may possibly be pregnant.

Anyway, fuck her; it’s been about a month and no pregnancy announcement so we can cross our fingers it stays that way.

Harry insults the Commonwealth

Quelle fucking surprise— Harry has the knives out for his family again in some way or another.

So during some Zoom chat with Harry and Meghan, that nobody actually gave two shits about, the big ginger berk decided to open his mouth and slag off the Commonwealth, essentially calling them old-fashioned racists.

Well… I’ll bet granny was thrilled with that one.

Harry went on to ‘apologise for the Commonwealth’s endemic racism’— but apparently not for his own racist acts, which he seems to have forgotten while his head has been shoved up his wife’s arse for the last two years.

This shocked a lot of people; first of all, talk about biting the hand that feeds. Harry can slag off the Commonwealth all he wants, but hasn’t he been sponging off its funds for 35 years? You’ve got a bloody short memory, mate.

Secondly, aren’t you and your wife the President and Vice President of the Commonwealth Trust, or whatever it’s called? Are you honestly criticising what is essentially a place of work for you? Can you imagine if I interviewed somebody for a job at my company, and was all like:

Harry went on to say that ‘confronting the past is what will change the future’ (he’s been spending too much time with his hippie wife) and that ‘it will be uncomfortable, but we must do it, because everybody benefits’.

Oh Harry, do piss off; I think you’ll find there is nothing more ‘uncomfortable’ than listening to two morons so out of touch with reality, telling all the rest of us what we need to do.
Especially since it’s been several weeks already, and I haven’t seen Harry and Meghan make any movements toward changing anything in this area, despite preaching to us all.

Thanks for your message, Sussexes— now here’s one for you:

Archie doesn’t have any friends

Poor diddums.

Yes, apparently mum Meghan has recently grown increasingly concerned that her 1-year-old son doesn’t have any friends, as though Archie himself has any clue that he doesn’t.

Meghan is apparently upset that Archie is cut off from the world and other kids, as though this isn’t entirely her fault, and thinks he is ‘lonely’.

Meghan— he is a 1-year-old; he’s still likely eating dirt in the back garden and can’t quite shit in a toilet yet— I’m willing to bet he has no idea what ‘friends’ are.

Secondly, I think you’ll find that he had three perfectly good cousins to play with in the UK, but rather than letting her child be normal, mummy dearest thought it was a better idea to rip daddy away from his family, force the three of them to move through two other countries in a pandemic, sever all ties with just about any Windsor that has ever breathed in her direction and then sit in LA whining about why her child doesn’t have any friends.

On top of this, she even had the audacity to say that she wouldn’t go to a mum and baby group because ‘she is too famous’.

Too famous for what? Talking to other humans? My my, this woman really does have illusions of grandeur. I suppose she thought her non-titled, unimportant baby was also ‘too good’ to fraternise with his eldest cousin, the future King, and his two younger siblings also.

Please Meghan, pull the other one: you are a fart in the wind, and in two years’ time, I doubt if anyone will even remember your name, let alone consider you to be ‘too famous’ to sit amongst the little people. Though I’m sure she’ll still think she’s the dog’s bollocks, swanning in to yoga classes in LA like:

No thank you, love. The only person I feel sorry for is Archie, who has been robbed of a childhood hanging out with his cousins, which most of us got to have— and who will probably never have a stable set of friends, as mummy and daddy shunt him all across the world, trying to chase money and fame.

It’s ok, mate—your parents don’t have any friends either, so I guess they’re just giving you a taste of what’s to come.

Harry nicks money from The Royal Foundation

And just when I thought that fucker couldn’t stoop any lower.

Ok— so he didn’t technically steal it— more annoyingly, it seems that The Duke of Cambridge was involved, but when The Royal Foundation of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge had to disclose their annual financial reports in December last year, two transactions to ‘Sussex Royal’ and ‘Travalyst’ raised the eyebrows of the royal accountants.

It appears that £145,000 was wired to Sussex Royal, while another £100,000 was sent over to Harry’s (sort of) charity, Travalyst— which for all we know is not actually a charitable venture, but a way of Harry and Meghan funding their private jet trips.

In any case, the fact that it came to light that Prince William was giving his little brother money from his own royal foundation, seems to really have pissed Harry off— as he now had to admit that ‘Sussex Royal’ wasn’t really able to generate any money on it’s own, and despite trying to act like he and Megs were going independent, he still had to accept bail outs from his family.

Apparently the reporting was ‘totally transparent’ and neither brother intended to hide the transactions that were made between the two foundations— because apparently you can really hide £245,000 going missing.

I am honestly trying to imagine me doing that with a company credit card at work and getting away with just ‘not mentioning it’ when it came to expenses:

Anyway, so pissed off was old Henry that his team even issued a statement, saying that he was ‘deeply offended’ by the claims that he would take money from his brother’s foundation (but, er, you did?) and that he ‘worked very hard on the foundation for years previously and was ‘very devoted to the charity’.

I mean really, what sort of fucking defence is that?

As I say, I’ve previously been ‘devoted’ to jobs as well, but I think they’d have something to say if I left the company and then was like:

I don’t know why Harry can’t just admit that the Sussex Royal foundation wasn’t a success and was never going to be one. Sussex cronies love to go on about how much money ‘Harry and Meghan have independently’— so if that’s the case, why didn’t they pump any of this cash into a charity that they seemed to believe so much in?

Simple answer: they wanted to take money, rather than speculate to accumulate, and Holiday Harry and Money Megs thought they were entitled to take a chunk of what William and Catherine were generating, rather than do the hard graft to bring in their own.

Harry— if you want to be independent, go be independent and stop taking money from your brother and sister-in-law. And while you’re at it, please shove that sad little statement up your arse.

Meghan’s Summit Speech

If you can even call it a speech.

So a few weeks ago now, dear old Meghan decided it had been a while since the world had heard her give a ‘speech’ (all of about two weeks), and felt that it was time to get back on Zoom and regurgitate someone else’s quotes, all while trying to take the credit for herself.

Firstly, fuck the speech— what was going on with her hair?

I understand times are tough and extensions are expensive, but whichever poor horse’s tail she yanked out on the way home from the farmer’s market, I would suggest she return it.

Being a woman with long hair myself, I don’t normally say this about many other women, but the long hair really does NOT suit her at all.

For a start, you can tell it’s not real, and that is the biggest downfall. It looks synthetic as anything— like back when I was 15 and shopping in Camden Market with my friends and we all thought it would be a good idea to buy plastic-y, electric blue hair extensions.

But moving on from the hair, I was a bit panicked when I saw the dress; Long and loose fitting and possibly trying to hint at a pregnancy (though I am now doubting that she is actually pregnant, as it’s been several weeks and she’d have struggled to keep her hands off her midriff if that were the case).

As with the transparent case she was carrying outside the medical centre, everything is smoke, mirrors and speculation with Markle: even if she is not anywhere near being pregnant, she will still pull stunts to make you think she is. Which quite frankly, is a little pathetic.

And lastly, she ‘speech’ itself.

Look, I have to be honest, I didn’t and couldn’t watch it. Having to watch or listen to anything where she ever speaks leaves me with the deep desire to gouge my own eyes out, and if I did that, none of you would ever get a Royal Round Up ever again, so quite frankly, fuck that.

All I really did was skim over some articles where they documented her ‘inspirational sayings’, which were, in actual fact, more quotes nicked from other, actually influential people.

But of course, as usual, the Sussex fandom lapped it all up— crying over how ‘amazing’ her ‘powerful’ speech was (lol). The only thing that would’ve been ‘amazing’ to me would be if she had trotted out Archie for the video and he had yanked out her clip-ins.

As I say, I can’t even go into details of the speech because it’s just too painful, but no doubt it was more rubbish telling women to be independent (while she married a Prince for fame and money) and spouted more shit about ‘female empowerment’, although she couldn’t feel empowered if the royal sceptre was shoved up her arse.

Meghan, please— go away and stay quiet. I’m not interested in the ramblings and plagiarism of a woman who had to marry up to level up. You wanted privacy? Please go have it.

Doria and Archie go for a walk

And mummy and daddy sued.

Yep, sometime a few weeks ago, some German tabloid got hold of photos of Doria pushing Archie around on a toy car on Tyler Perry’s estate, where they are still crashing on the sofa, and the Sussexes blew their top.

And who wouldn’t thunk it! Paparazzi in LA!

I mean bloody hell, it’s California— did they really not think that the paparazzi would get a photo at some point? You’re in Los Angeles, not Laos.

Secondly, what is there to sue over? He’s a baby in a hat, sitting in a toy car. Hardly world news.

Apparently Harry and Meghan were ‘enraged at the invasion of privacy’— although I have visions of Meghan jumping up and down in their kitchen, clapping her hands in glee at a) the prospect of being in the tabloids again and b) the chance to sue, because funds were low and pretty soon they wouldn’t be able to afford Gucci nappies for Archie.

For all we know, this wasn’t even the paparazzi— just the Sussexes staging pap shots and selling them to the media through a third party. I can just imagine Harry hanging off the roof of the mansion with his iPhone in hand like:

And lastly, as the most terrifying item, it appears the mother-in-law has firmly moved in with Harry and Meghan.

Why this has happened, I don’t know; I understand California is still in lockdown and Doria can’t see them all, but honestly, get over it— we’ve all had to put up with not being able to see our families this year.

Also, she appears to be on nanny duty, which is rather funny: what happened to the actual nanny? Did she do a runner after having to suffer through lockdown with Harry and Meghan for months on end?

In any case, as much as Harry has claimed he loves Doria, I can only imagine that her presence must be grating on him a bit by now; when I was born, my grandmother (mum’s mum) came to stay for a number of weeks, and after being woken up at 4am everyday to the sound of her washing dishes noisily downstairs, or preparing breakfast thinking that anybody was going to eat at that hour, my dad all but threw her onto the aircraft at the end of her stay.

So in short, if it’s not pissing Harry off yet, it will be very soon. And in any case, if I were him, I’d be nervous; one scheming Markle woman is enough, let alone two, sat in the corner of their mansion, plotting their next move like the witches in Macbeth.

Well that’s all for this week, my dears; I promise I’ll endeavour to be less shit where posts are concerned and will certainly strive to ensure you are getting your weekly posts going forward.

Otherwise, have a lovely rest of the week and I will see you all at the weekend!