Royal round up: 5th May

Happy Tuesday my loves— can’t believe it’s May already! 💋

And while most of the world is still in lockdown, it hasn’t stopped Harry and Meghan continuing to make arses of themselves on the world stage; pandemic? What pandemic?

Before I dive in to the finer details of showing you just how thick the Sussexes are, as if you didn’t already know, let’s start on a nicer note..

Anniversaries and Birthdays

So it was another big week for the Cambridges, as it brought William and Catherine’s 9th wedding anniversary last Wednesday and Princess Charlotte’s birthday on Saturday too!

I cannot believe it’s been 9 years already! At the time, I was 17 and living in New York (and getting serious FOMO as all my London friends were having boozy royal wedding parties).

Still, it was such a magical day; I have to be honest, I didn’t really know or care much about Catherine before the wedding— I just knew her as “Prince William’s girlfriend, Kate” and didn’t really follow much in the media.

But on this day, as my mother, who is not even close to being a royalist, threw open my bedroom door and yelled “get up and watch— you’re British and your future king is getting married!”, I dragged my lazy teenage arse out of bed, took the coffee my mum had used to lure me out of my room and plonked myself down in front of the TV to watch the wedding of the decade.

And THAT is how my Cambridge obsession began. After that and since then, I have followed them closely and could not get enough.

And given the shit show we were presented with 7 years later in the form of Meghan and Harry’s “wedding”, looking back on this makes you realise just how a royal wedding SHOULD be done.

The bride a prime example, with not a hair out of place, her dad to walk her proudly down the aisle and ZERO drama in the lead up to the nuptials. Just how it should be…

Look how proud her dad is! What a shame Meghan robbed her own father of this (though I suppose he had walked her down the aisle twice already anyway).

Happy 9 years to them both! ❤️

And then of course, Saturday marked the 5th birthday of their second born and only daughter, Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana of Cambridge.

Princess Charlotte was born at 8:34am on 2nd May 2015, weighing 8lbs 3oz

To mark the occasion, William and Catherine released a series of photos where Charlotte helped deliver pasta and other food packages to the elderly in self-isolation in Norfolk.

There’s a good chance she was actually nicking the food, but we’ll never know, I guess.

All in all, a lovely series of photos to mark the little Princess’s fifth birthday— I hope she had a great day and was spoilt rotten!

Also, I’d like to add that today, 5th July, is exactly 5 years to the day since Princess Charlotte was christened, so I’ve thrown in this little gem below too ❤️

Meghan loses the first round of her court case

And with that, we’re onto the snarky side..

Yes, apparently Meghan Markle thought it would be a good idea to take on various British tabloids in a bid to sue them for the release of the handwritten letter she had penned for her father.

Because she NEVER intended for that one to be released right?

I’m not going to delve too far into my thoughts on the release of the letter, because I already covered this off in a blog entry last summer, but if you wish to hear my thoughts on this, please visit said entry at:

Back to Meghan, and after trying her hardest to convince the California courts that her pretentious spider scrawl was NEVER meant to be seen by the public, it quickly became apparent that even judges on another continent weren’t buying her bullshit, and as the first round of the case wrapped up, they told her where to go:

“You full of shit, bitch.”

Apparently the courts ruled that Meghan’s “evidence” hadn’t been presented in a satisfactory manner, and therefore could not be considered when taking legal action against the tabloids.

And then, just when Meghan thought her legal issues couldn’t get any worse, her douche “royal spokesperson” Omid Scobie royally buggered things up further by telling us all that Meghan had “penned the letter with the public in mind”…


So… we were meant to see it then? Did Scobie just land Meghan in the shit in a momentary slip of the tongue? One thing’s for sure, Scoobie Doo… you’ll be off the Sussex payroll soon enough.

Meghan phones Omid after her court appearance

This must be a crushing blow for Meghan; trying to sue the tabloids for doing their job is no easy feat, coupled with the fact that she also had to invent “five friends who spoke to the press” about the letter— things were stressful in the Sussex household.

“…shut up Harry, yah— I’m trying to think of five friends I can throw under the bus, and I can’t think of more than two right now.”

But with no friends left to blame, Meghan was forced to think outside the box when it came to finding names…

“Can we not just tell the judge the Queen leaked it? She’s old, probably going senile— she won’t remember what she did or didn’t say, right?”

But Harry wasn’t totally sold on blaming his grandmother:

“Don’t be so ridiculous Meghan, yah… she doesn’t know how to use a phone.”

So it’s back to the drawing board for Meghan before her second round in court, where I’ve no doubt they’ll wipe the floor with her arse yet again. I mean come on hun, you were in a legal drama, did you learn NOTHING from that time?!

“…I was too busy blowing the director so I could stay on the show.”

Better luck next time, love.

Harry and Meghan’s biography

Fuck me, here we go.

As if they haven’t pushed their luck or pissed the royal family off enough, Harry and Meghan apparently think it’s a good idea to pen a biography, “telling all” on the Windsors.

“Pair of shits, the both of them— have this one from the UK.”

What they will be able to tell us, I don’t know; anything they do say will be blowing their own cover rather than the royal family’s.

“They were just so horrible, yah; I swanned in, made them pay for my big castle wedding, took a royal title, made them give me several properties, then fucked off to LA with one of their Princes and they had the fucking audacity to be angry with me?!”

Or perhaps they can tell us more about how they were “existing rather than living”? I’m sure they could fill three chapters with that.

“It’s been a ghastly existence, yah; Meghan and I haven’t truly felt like we’ve been living… between a summer of jetting around Europe on a private jet and Meghan having a massive fuck-off baby shower in New York, also undertaken on a private jet, and all these grand home renovations to monitor, we just haven’t felt like ourselves.”

Or perhaps then can tell us more about how they fell in love, with their fairytale-like romance?

“He had me at “Prince” and “my grandmother’s the Queen”. I mean, I just couldn’t get the ring on my fat hand fast enough.”

And was it love at first sight for Harry, too?

“Well she’s fairly attractive and I hadn’t had a shag in a while, so yah, here we are…”

Or maybe they’ll dish the dirt on other members of the royal family?

“That Duchess of Oxford is a crazy bitch, yah— she once drank three bottles of Pinot Grigio and tried to beat me with one of the empty ones.”
“Yah babe, she’s actually the Duchess of Cambridge.”

“Who gives a shit, we’re not even part of the family anymore.”

Either way, I do really look forward to seeing what it is these two will do to further dig their own graves. I’m sure whatever it is, it will be highly entertaining.

Meghan’s video chat

Any excuse to be in front of the cameras and hogging the limelight from the Cambridges, eh Megs?

Yes, earlier this week, on William and Catherine’s anniversary, Meghan thought it was a good time to release video footage of her talking to a woman supported by the SmartWorks charity, wishing her luck before a job interview.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you and my fingers are crossed for you!”

My arse. She probably was reminded ten minutes before by some poor underpaid assistant that she had to make the call.

And more interestingly, the video was actually taken at the end of March, but apparently just had to be released on William and Catherine’s wedding anniversary.

And in all honesty, who the fuck would want Meghan to ‘mentor’ them before an interview? That’s like asking Sadam Hussein for advice on how to successfully run a country.

Meghan, who has been unemployed for the best part of three years now, decided to offer up some advice for the young woman, who could probably have done better without this shit “pep talk” from a lazy grifter who wouldn’t know a sense of duty if it bit her in the arse.

Meghan added: “There is so much going on in the world right now and just to be such a beacon of hope and focusing on getting through it.”

It’s a job interview love, she didn’t find the cure for coronavirus.

While I wish the young woman well, I really think Meghan was going a bit overboard with her ramblings, likely because she really didn’t know what else to say— and largely due to the fact she has probably screwed her way through most interviews, rarely going about them the conventional way.

“And if all else fails… just go down on them.”

No, it’s ok Meghan; I think the world could do with less advice from a woman who married a rich white dude to elevate her status and then proceeded to break up his family and drag him to another country to which he has no affiliation.

If anybody wants advice on THAT, then feel free to join all the video calls you want.

Harry reads a book

For possibly the first time ever.

Yeah, this one is very confusing to me, but apparently earlier this year, Prince Harry thought it was a good idea to be filmed reading a Thomas the Tank Engine book for children to watch.

Looks more like a creep glancing up my skirt at a bar, but never mind

Firstly, I’m shocked Harry can actually read. I mean, if he can, it’s a wonder he’s still with his overbearing dragon of a wife after all that has been reported on her in the press in the last two years. Has he not seen these?

Secondly— who does he think he is, Tom Hardy? Nobody wants to see a talentless ginger twat read a children’s book in front of a camera.

More interestingly, the ‘special’ episode was called ‘Thomas and Friends: the royal engine’. And even more interestingly, the makers of this asked an almost non-royal to read the book.

Said talentless ginger twat then goes on to tell us all how Thomas was a “big part of his happy childhood” and all that guff. I mean, I’m sure all the money, expensive holidays and unlimited access to royal palaces also contributed to your happiness, but we’ll let you have this one, mate.

And then, this little gem:

The prince undertook the role in exchange for a donation to charity, according to the press statement, although further details of this have not been made available.

Was that the charity of Harry and Meghan, by any chance?

“I don’t know why you’re all getting so vexed, yah— we are technically charity now, as we have no jobs or money.”
“You can all fuck off, yah— you’d be panhandling too if you only had four homes and £30million in the bank.”

The 22- minute special aired on Netflix apparently (odd choice), with Harry saying he was “proud” to have taken part in it— as though he was the one that fucking invented Thomas The Tank Engine.

More like Thomas the Wank Engine

The actress Rosamund Pike, whom I absolutely adore, also voices a character within the special too.

Well I’ll bet Rosamund was just thrilled being put alongside Harry; the last time she was forced into the same space as one half of the Sussex duo, she looked like she’d rather shove the Crown Jewels up her arse than have to breathe the same air.

That royal sceptre is firmly up there

Anywho my loves, that’s all for now— and my apologies that it’s so late— work always gets in the way!

I’m sure later tonight or tomorrow we’ll be “treated” to a photo of Archie’s hand or foot (or perhaps the back of his head if we are lucky) as I hear he turns 1 tomorrow.

In the meantime, buckle up and get the popcorn ready— the week’s only just started and I’m sure there’s a lot more drama coming our way!

Otherwise, stay happy, stay healthy and I’ll see you all on Sunday! 💋

10 responses to “Royal round up: 5th May”

  1. Royal Flamingo avatar
    Royal Flamingo

    Thanks for the post! I think I love your mom 😉 I actually took a day off work to watch William and Kate get married, so I can totally relate! As for Dumb and Dumber, they seem to have lost their plot; none of those recent weird attempts to get attention worked (and no one believes it was them behind those stupid bandanas), so they seem to be conspiring in hiding as in what to do next. I wonder if those reports about Harry missing his old life are true. It’s strange that he would admit making a string of bad decisions.

    1. I love her too! 🙂 and totally agree– if he doesn’t regret it already, he will do soon enough. It’s only a matter of time before he realises he has no place in LA. Thank you for reading love xx

  2. Perfect timing! I needed a laugh today. Thanks so much for tickling my funny bone Saffy.

    1. So glad you enjoyed darling! Thank you xx

  3. I love your mum! Just saying.

    Anyhoo… H&M can just bugger off as far as I’m concerned. After losing all relevance all they’re good for now is comic relief.

    Another awesome job, thanks! <3

    1. I love her too! She is one of the best 😉 and totally agree– we are done with them! Thank you love, glad you enjoyed xx

  4. Wonderful pictures of the Cambridges, really enjoyed those. Altho…in that balcony shot of Wills & Kate, who is that sinister character in silhouette on the left?!? Could it be — !
    Have you ever thought of making a collection of these essays for an e-book? What a hoot for the anti-Sussex crew!

    1. ooh yeah, definitely weird! Didn’t notice that before! And I probably should but not sure who would buy it! xx

  5. Brilliant–Thomas the Wank Engine!

    1. Hahaha thank you love! Glad you enjoyed xx

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: