Royal round-up: 26th April

Happy Sunday ladies and gents! 💋

Hope you’re all continuing to stay safe and well during the current climate. With the aid of merlot and Haagen Dazs, I’ve become a lot less murderous this week, so I would highly recommend these consumables to bring down the risk of a killing in your household.

This should keep me nicely out of Wormwood Scrubs

It’s been a fairly big week, especially on the Cambridge front, so without further ado, let’s take a little look-back at the royal world over the past six days…

Louis’s birthday

First of all, a very happy 2nd birthday to His Royal Highness Prince Louis of Cambridge for last Thursday 💙

Kensington Palace released some incredibly cute photos, taken by The Duchess of Cambridge at their Sandringham home in Norfolk earlier this month.

Prince Louis Arthur Charles of Cambridge was born at 11:01am on Monday 23rd April 2018, weighing 8lbs 7oz.

In keeping with the current theme of Britain’s support for the NHS and a rainbow being used as a symbol of hope, William and Catherine had Louis create his very own rainbow at home:

One thing I’ve clocked is that Anmer Hall, the Cambridges’ residence on the Sandringham Estate, appears to be furnished with very pale coloured sofas and armchairs— perhaps something of an oversight on William and Kate’s part, with three small children.

Louis is so unbelievably cute, but if I was Catherine and he brought those painted hands near my custom designed Boca Do Lobo sofa, there’d be one less person in line for the throne.

All jokes aside, the photos released by the palace were lovely and a nice treat during a dark time.

Yeah that’s it mate, put it on your face instead.

And then, just when us Cambridge fans thought we’d been spoiled enough for one day, we saw the family again during the #ClapForOurCarers weekly event at 8pm on Thursday— where we were lucky enough to glimpse the birthday boy on his big day! 🎈

Either Louis’s expression is a result of realising people weren’t actually clapping for him or he’s about as fucked off with being in quarantine as we all are.

George and Charlotte look slightly annoyed they’ve been dragged out at what is possibly their bedtime, and William a bit pissed off that he’s been pulled away from his Xbox, but they all look great and it was lovely to see them.

In addition to the Cambridges, Charles and Camilla also came out of hiding to show their support for the NHS:

Although I do have to question if either of them have ever clapped before

Not to take the piss (although I am), but Charles looked as though he’d only just learned how to clap about ten minutes before they came out and Camilla looks like she’s reading an auto cue with “how to applaud” instructions on it, but still, it’s definitely the thought that counts.

All jokes aside, and a lovely note to end on, but Clarence House also released a touching photo of Grandpa Wales and little Louis to mark Louis’s birthday on Thursday— probably one of the nicest royal photos ever seen 💙

Sussexes to release a photo of Archie

Keen not to be upstaged by the Cambridges and their 2-year-old son, whom a woman pushing 40 is apparently threatened by, Harry and Meghan have announced this weekend that they will release a photo of Archie to mark his 1st birthday (which is sometime next month apparently).

Don’t worry, I won’t.

I was wondering just how many seconds it would take the Sussexes to come out of the woodwork to make a pathetic attempt at upstaging a toddler’s birthday. I mean honestly, if you’re going to release a photo of him, just do it— why do you need to announce this just a couple of days after Louis’s birthday?

At least Meghan’s honest

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that not many people will actually give a non-royal shit about two losers releasing a picture of their untitled child.

And serious question, but where are they planning on posting this? They no longer use the Sussex Royal Instagram account and have told all media outlets to go fuck themselves, so just how they’re planning to get this one out there, I’m not sure.

“It’s ok Meghan yah, we’ll just throw him on top of the Hollywood sign for a day or two.”

On top of this as well, I thought they wanted some privacy? Wasn’t that the point of fucking off out of Britain and “away from the media glare”? Ah no sorry— I forgot that was total bullshit as well. True to form, the Sussexes are saying one thing but doing something else.

We don’t want to see your kid’s big coconut head

And lastly, begs the question, but what exactly will the photo be of?

Well, it doesn’t take much to wager that it will be in black and white. As Meghan fancies herself as the next Ansel Adams, it probably won’t even be a whole shot of the child.

Perhaps an arm? The back of his head? His foot?

Let’s hope I don’t forget to give a shit!

Let’s face it, they’ll have to work pretty hard to get people’s attention; following Louis’s birthday last week and the fact that it is Princess Charlotte’s birthday next Saturday, they’ll have a right battle on their hands for the tabloid headlines.

“Look darling, it’ll be Archie’s birthday too!”
“Who? Tell him to fuck off, May is MY month.”

Zoom call with the Queen

But before the second desperate bid for attention, we had the first desperate bid— whereby Meghan and Harry leaked the information that they had allegedly held a Zoom call with The Queen on her birthday to wish her.

“Yah, happy birthday ma’am…. did you get any nice gifts? Like any money you’d care to share with your family, by any chance?”
“The greatest gift was you two bloodsuckers fucking off— now do one, you little trollop.”

Whether or not this call took place is anyone’s guess; it WAS released by Meghan and Harry’s camp, so I’d take it with a pinch of salt. I mean honestly, what do they have to discuss over video chat?

“Yeah Liz, here’s Archie— remember? The kid we plucked out of your family when we told you where to stick your royal jobs and now only let you see through a camera lens from 5,000 miles away?”

Real talk though, if I was the Queen, I wouldn’t give them the time of day. She’s given them everything else and they’ve thrown it back in her face— why give them even a shred of your time, even if it is only over a shitty Zoom chat?

And still, even out of the fold, the Sussexes are still making faux pas. It has apparently been said that the Royal Family do not like their members discussing which video chats took place and who was on them— something almost all of them can pay attention to, because they actually know what discretion means, unlike Meghan.

“That little tramp told CNN about our House Party pub quiz last week.”

If I were the Queen, I would’ve declined that call; Meghan and Harry don’t do things out of the kindness of their own hearts (largely because neither of them possess one)— there is almost always an ulterior motive. I wouldn’t put it past them to have live streamed that Zoom chat to Ellen Degeneres.

Nah, next time your Majesty, hit “decline”, pour yourself a large G&T and save yourself the aggro.

“I’ll tell them exactly where they can put their shitty WiFi connection.”

Prince William and Stephen Fry’s Big Night In

So last Thursday night, before the segment of the Cambridges and the rest of the UK doing our 8pm clap, we were treated to a little clip of The Duke of Cambridge and Stephen Fry discussing life during lockdown in 2020.

In it, William picks Stephen’s brains on various subjects as he talks about the difficulties of homeschooling three young children:

“It’s quite tough yah, all three of them are thick as pig shit, but at least none of them will ever have to get a job.”

The duo touched on various topics such as history, languages and spelling, with Stephen offering up some insight on how to tackle these with the kids. He mentioned to William that his knowledge of Kings and Queens was “quite good, but I suspect that’s your area of expertise too.”

William was keen to show off his own superior knowledge:

“Yah, I know a lot about royal history, Stephen— I can name all former monarchs and consorts. There’s “The Prince Albert”, “The Queen Victoria”, “The Duke of Albany”…. “The… King’s Head.”
“Yes, I think those might be pubs you’re listing there, Your Royal Highness.”

But there was one monarch William DID remember, upon reflection…

“There is one I remember; Edward VIII – the man who gave up his place in the line of succession and abandoned his family for a divorcee American hussy… I’ll have to give Harry a bell for more information though, yah— he really is an expert on that one.”
“Ooooooh, what a BURN lol.”

But when Stephen began speaking French, William decided he’d had enough for the day and it was time to get the fuck out of there.

“Yeah ok, that’s quite enough of that shit yah— it’s 8pm and time for a beer. I mean, to clap for the NHS.”

And with that, the UK took to it’s doorsteps to applaud the hardworking NHS and come face to face with our neighbours— something most of us usually actively avoid more than Coronavirus.

“Here— Wills, Kate— pop the kettle on loves, we’ll be over when this clapping guff is done.”
“Mummy, are those the guys from number 32? And are they coming over for a cuppa?”
“Absolutely no fucking way; that’s enough clapping now, get your arses inside.”

Overall, a busy week for the Cambridges and more to come this week— it’s William and Catherine’s 9th wedding anniversary this Wednesday and as mentioned, next Saturday we will see Princess Charlotte turn 5, where we will no doubt have more photos released I’m sure.

For now, take it easy, stay safe and I’ll see you all next weekend! 💙

25 thoughts on “Royal round-up: 26th April

  1. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. Another great post, Saffy! Thank you so much!! One piece up there I found extremely hilarious, but I’ll keep that tidbit to myself. And have my smiles and laughing over it all day long. 😂😂😂 Have a great Sunday!! Kudos, Saffy!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “…but Charles looked as though he’d only just learned how to clap about ten minutes before they came out …”

    Again, I’m DYING laughing! The two of them did indeed look uncomfortable, but, as they say in the southern United States, “bless their hearts” for trying. It is the thought that counts.

    Thanks for another great post.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. At least all the family in the UK made an effort – where was ginge & cringe? Using their titles to fake food deliveries so MEME can push her face into camera’s. Not a word from the pair for the country they owe a shit load of dough to!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Absolutely love it. Now have to let my elderly mum know the latest is up. She likes nothing more than sitting down with a biscuit and a cup of tea and having a giggle with your posts.

    Liked by 2 people

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