CrownsOfBritain

Hello everybody – I’m back!

Firstly, I would like to say a massive thank you for all the lovely and supportive comments about me taking a short break from the blog; it was really touching to read and I really appreciated everybody’s kind words – it meant a lot ❤️

With that said, I was really missing the blog and taking the piss out of Dumb and Dumber— so without further ado, let’s review the backlog of royal news that has occurred over the last few weeks!

Meghan and Harry move to LA

Well we all saw that one coming a mile off, didn’t we?

Yep – despite Meghan’s fans still vehemently insisting that she is not at all predictable, even though all of our own predictions were accurate in regards to her movements, Meghan did the most predictable thing yet and moved back to LA with Harry and Archie— where she is no doubt suffering some kind of illusion of grandeur that she will finally be taken seriously on Californian soil.

However, there is just one minor issue with the move (or several, depending on how you look at it)— most people still don’t actually like Meghan Markle— married to a prince or not.

It was said that the move came due to the fact that the Canadian/US border was closing and Meghan and Harry were “panicking” that they would be “stuck” in Canada due to the Coronavirus outbreak.

Unable to possibly fathom being stranded in the terrifying war-zone that is Western Canada, and growing increasingly pissed off that the Canadian government told them to go fuck themselves when they asked them to pay for their security, Meghan promptly moved her family from one rent-free accommodation to another, all the while complaining how “difficult” life had become.

But things were about to get a whole lot worse….

Having flounced out of Canada in a huff and then having to fly commercial, of all things, into the USA, Harry and Meghan’s dreams of having the Americans pay for them were instead quickly quashed, when President Trump told them exactly the same thing Canada had:

Things were going to be a lot tougher than Meghan had originally thought. With no one to foot the bill for their security and the Sussexes really down to their last pennies in the bank (I mean, how far would £30 million really get them?), the dastardly duo had to come to terms with the worst case scenario that was now upon them…

Luckily for the both of them, Meghan already had something lined up…

Meghan lands her first Disney job

Hurrah! An acting job at last! Even if it was less “starring role in the next James Bond film” and more “narrating from behind an elephant’s arse.”

Yes, Disney will forever be grateful that a failed-actress-turned-shit-royal-turned-back-into-barely-an-actress lent her voice to them for the narration of ‘Elephant’, the proceeds of which were apparently donated to the Elephants Without Borders charity, as, y’know, Meghan and Harry don’t really need the money, right? I mean, I’m sure Meghan didn’t pocket any for herself.

When Meghan planned her return to Hollywood, I’m not so sure this is what she had in mind– narrating an elephant’s journey along the Zambezi River, where her face doesn’t feature in in at all.

But being told this could only lead to bigger things for her, likely by somebody rather high up on the Sussex payroll merely stroking her ego, Meghan went along with her first charitable effort outside of the British Royal Family– and probably her last.

In all honesty, I love elephants; they’re majestic, incredibly cute— and I probably would’ve watched this docufilm if it wasn’t for Meghan’s hammy drawl. Yeah, thanks for ruining it, love.

They say elephants never forget, but I’m sure they’d rather forget this one.

Meghan will only work with the best

Which brings me nicely to my next point; rumour has it that Markle has reportedly told her agent that she finds a lot of the ‘acting offers that have come her way so far’ to be ‘beneath her’, and that she will only work with the ‘most talented and well-known’ directors in Hollywood.

It did make me laugh that she is even claiming that she has received a shit tonne of offers so far, given the fact that she is hardly Jennifer Aniston. She had a bit part on a cable show some years ago and that was the full extent of her ‘Hollywood’ career thus far (and ever). Grace Kelly, you are not, hun.

Yep, Meghan has even given her agent a (very short) list of directors she will work with (Weinstein, you might have made the cut, mate– check your emails when you’re out of the slammer); but despite wanting to be on the same level as the Natalie Portmans and Meryl Streeps of this world, Meghan has made it known that she will consider Japanese commercials, because that’s where all the money is at… apparently.

At this point Meggy, I wouldn’t be too picky; you’ve got a team of security to pay for and a weave to be re-applied on the regular; beggars really cannot be choosers at this stage and you DID tell the taxpayers to go fuck ourselves back in January when you made your announcement you were leaving. Don’t start trying to garner sympathy now– you didn’t know which side your bread was buttered and now it’s melted.

Due to COVID-19, I don’t think many places are hiring at the moment, but just in case, I have listed some jobs below for yourself and Harry that are still likely to be going during a panemic:

Delivery Driver
While we’re all stuck indoors, online shopping is at an all-time high and Hermes could always use new drivers for their deliveries!

Warehouse Worker
To follow on from the above– those boxes aren’t gonna pack themselves and warehouses definitely need the extra staff at the moment.

Shop Assistant
No, not the clothing stores– but people gotta eat, so the supermarkets are still open!

They don’t quite pay the millions that Harry and Meghan are after, but it’s a start, right? And in any case, dear old Duke of Sussex– the USA don’t usually let immigrants move over without having a job in place first and a method of paying their way, so better find something before your arse is hauled out by homeland security.

Prince Charles had coronavirus

Bloody hell, in the time it has taken me to write this, the man has completely recovered.

Yep, the ‘breaking news’ iPhone alert that stunned the nation a couple of weeks ago– the heir to the throne had tested positive for COVID-19 and was self-isolating in Scotland under NHS orders.

There is of course a chance that he didn’t test positive for shit and just wanted everybody to stay away from him for a couple of weeks– the wife included– but we can never be entirely sure.

There were of course concerns regarding whether or not Charles had come into contact with the Queen and the possibility of her being infected if so. Prince Charles, however, was less concerned— maybe it would finally be time for him to sit on the throne?

Luckily however, as with the royal family, Her Majesty informed her staff that she hadn’t seen her son for “fucking weeks” and retreated into self-isolation.

Which bring me nicely to my next point– Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, somehow tested negative for the virus.

How a married couple, who share a home and presumably a bed, can only have one half of it diagnosed with something as contagious as Coronavirus, I do not know. I get that these castles are bloody massive, but honestly, my mind is still rather confused.

Anyway– in order to reassure their grandfather, as they were unable to do so in person, the Cambridge kids sent handmade cards to him, wishing him well and a speedy recovery, which was a nice thought.

Prince George, especially, was keen to convey his best wishes to his granddad:

In any case, the heir apparent is now out of self-isolation and totally recovered– which leaves him more time to potter about the garden and pick the veggies for his Duchy range.

Harry and Meghan need a break

Yeah, and we need a break from hearing about you two fucking morons.

Apparently, so exerted from their last holiday, (which began in November and is still actually going), Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber have decided that they ‘need a break’ from… er…. well, whatever it is they do normally, and thought that there was no better time to do this than when a pandemic has effectively ground the planet to a halt.

Or rather… Meghan was still hastily trying to hatch plans to make as much money as possible, but was forced to keep her arse at home due to COVID-19.

No, really– I do get it; it must be tough as shit having to put your life on hold due to a situation you cannot control, and in the interim, losing bucketloads of money (because the rest of the planet doesn’t know what that’s like at the moment, huh);– except for the fact that they have millions in the bank, live rent-free and willingly put themselves in this situation.

The poor darlings; I’m sure we’ve all lost a lot of sleep since they left the royal fold nine days ago, with the wondering and worrying over how they will pay for their security and how much money will be left. if any, to raise little Archibald. Never mind a deadly pandemic, there are more pressing issues at hand here:

The couple, now down to their last several million, have been hashing things out at their Malibu mansion (complete with swimming pool, hot tub and 30-bottle wine fridge); the pressure of Meghan’s rants about her husband not having a job were really getting to Harry– he was finally about to crack.

After being given a bollocking from Baroness Dumb-arse, Harry took to the streets of LA, complete with CV in hand (once he’d worked out what it was) and went to see where this wondrous path would take him next.

Alright– realistically, he probably stopped for a pint and got another arse-kicking from the missus when he got home, but this time he was too sloshed to care.

Well I think I’ve covered off most of the big stories from the last few weeks– as ever, I’m sure there will be plenty more to report on in the coming week, pandemic or not.

In the meantime, stay safe, stay home and a very Happy Easter to those who celebrate it!

See you next week! 💋