Royal round-up: 8th March

Happy Sunday ladies and gents!

My biggest apologies for the lack of post last week – I’ve had a crazy week or so at work, whereby my colleagues think I’m an Indian God with ten arms and can do twenty things at once.

But determined to forget all that shite for a few minutes, let’s take some time to reflect on all the biggest royal events from the last two weeks!

Kate’s a sport

So well over a week ago now, The Duchess of Cambridge attended a special event at the London Stadium, where she showed off her sporty side alongside Jessica Ennis-Hill.

“Will you hurry up and take the fucking photo, it hurts squatting like this after three kids.”

The event was designed for Catherine to meet young athletes who are at the beginning of their careers, along with their parents and guardians.

“Honestly– I cannot feel my arse.”

Catherine, who is known to be quite competitive, also had the opportunity to race Ennis-Hill down the track at Queen Elizabeth park.

“Right, I know I’ve made some comments about my pelvic floor, but whatever that stain is, it wasn’t me.”

During this event, Catherine also got a chance to partake in a little self defence class – where she learned some new moves, should she happen to need these at any point in the near future…

“Ok babe, just pretend you’re Meghan for a sec – she’s back in London next week, so just want to get a few practice rounds in.”

Kate, who has always been into sports, really got into the swing of things at the engagement organised by Sports Aid, of which she is patron.

“So if I move my left arm like that, this should definitely knock out at least three of her veneers, yah?”

All in all, a successful visit, where the Duchess learned a lot from the young sporting professionals she met.

“You know what, fuck the taekwondo, just give me that pole and I’ll whoop her arse.”

Meghan and Harry return to the U.K.

Fuck our lives

Yes, unfortunately, The Dumb and Dumber of Suspect graced us all with their presence this week as they arrived back in the UK for their “farewell tour”, further subjecting us to more fake grins and nauseating hand holding.

Please. With immediate effect.

First stop for Harry and Meghan was the Goring Hotel in Belgravia, where prices for a suite can top £8,000 per night. So glad to see they’re spending our money wisely.

That dude to her left doesn’t give a shit if she’s paying £8k a night — he’s so tempted to drop that umbrella water on her weave

Why these two self-entitled prats are paying thousands and thousands to stay at one of London’s swankiest hotels, I don’t know. They made us foot the bill for all of Frogmore’s renovations and now they can’t even be bothered to sleep in there for a few nights?

And then, determined to stay relevant, the gruesome twosome headed out for their “final” of engagements– starting with an appearance at the annual Endeavour Awards.

Looks like Harry’s tempted to drop some rain water on her weave too

What the point was of this visit, I don’t know; as usual, Meghan hung off Harry like he was some sort of life raft and their central focus of this event wasn’t actually clear. They came in, farted about for a bit and then left. But not before Meghan left a nice message for her adoptive nation..

“Dear… Britain… kiss… my… royal…. ass.”

Of course, this must have been a difficult visit, what with Meghan and Harry expressing how badly they’ve suffered with PTSD from being in front of the cameras. Meghan was clearly having a tough time:

Yes. So traumatised, the poor love.

And of course, no Sussex Shitshow is complete without Meghan polishing her acting skills when pretending she gives a toss. And so, when a military veteran took to the stage to propose to his partner, Meghan also took the opportunity to update her audition tape reel for any Hollywood casting directors who were watching:

I wonder what she drew from for this emotion – probably the thought of having her “HRH” title taken away for good

And no Sussex Shitshow is also complete without Meghan getting up onstage to hear the sound of her own voice. Let’s face it, no one else is listening, so she may as well listen to herself.

“I’m honoured to be here tonight to talk about a subject that is very close to my heart– me.”

But while the rest of the Sussex fandom got excited over Twat 1 and Twat 2’s return, others were drawn to slightly, er, bigger matters, such as a suspicious bulge in the front of her dress:

📸 credit goes to the lovely @kirstmahoney on twitter, who definitely gave me a big laugh with this one

What could this suspicious bulge be?

A sanitary pad? Her second born hanging out of her? The Crown Jewels? Maybe she simply hasn’t shaved in a long while? Fuck knows. But whatever it is, I wish it would go away, along with Harry and Meghan themselves.

But unfortunately, no such luck just yet.

Our Pair of Prats were on hand to play dress up once again last night, as they attended the Mountbatten Festival of Music at the Royal Albert Hall — which made me laugh, because they’re basically no longer Mountbatten-Windsors.

Yeah, that uniform ain’t fooling anybody, Hazza

Honestly, on a serious note, Harry has some fucking nerve wearing that uniform when he is essentially turning his back on all that he used to support. You don’t want to put in the work but happy to play dress up?

Meghan was obviously there for the cameras and the chance to wear a nice dress.

“Yes, thanks, it’s great to be here – because in my head I can pretend I’m at the Oscars.”

And of course, another opportunity for the Sussexes to show all is fine in their marriage by continuing to cling to each other like a kidney transplant patient relies on a dialysis machine.

Seriously – I’m surprised they even fucking let go to shake anybody’s hands

Apparently once inside, these two received a “standing ovation”– for what, I don’t know– but I think it was more likely people were standing and applauding their exit.


But the best part of this visit was when Meghan and Harry took to Instagram to yes, you guessed it, somehow make the event all about themselves:

“Tonight, we met so many inspirational people, but here are three photos of just us lol”

And don’t get me started on this International Women’s Day bollocks from Meghan.

“Happy international women’s day, but here’s a photo of me looking like I’m in a L’Oréal advert.. which I might be soon, if I’m lucky.”

I don’t know about you, but if I had a daughter, I’d be deeply disturbed if Meghan came to her school to give her life advice. I really think this was just another opportunity to have her ego stroked; I mean, most respectable adults couldn’t give two shits about her, so young, impressionable schoolgirls are all she really has left.

“Yes. I know, babe – I’d be thrilled to meet me too, yah.”

Personally, I’d be more excited to meet Bin Laden, but we’ll let these girls off as they’re only about 12 and easily taken in.

And yep, you guessed it; as predictable as all their photos being in black and white, it was time for another speech from Meghan – where she gave yet more tips on how to fleece the opposite sex (after last year’s debacle when she stole someone else’s quote).

“Remember ladies – you must always check the limit on the Amex. Anything less than £20,000 a month and he is not worth your time.”

She then invited some poor young lad up to talk about what the day meant to him, although being a dude, he probably didn’t give a shit.

“I don’t really know innit, I just got up this morning and had some cornflakes just like any other day, yeah.”

I don’t think it’s coincidence that Meghan chose somebody of colour to join her onstage (because we can’t let that race card expire, now can we?); but in any case, she made sure she was seen hugging him – just to look like a good person at the very least.

With the amount that she gropes other people’s kids, I’m surprised she isn’t on some kind of paedophile register

But perhaps the most disturbing element of this visit was this weird photo of Meghan with the kids, where I get the feeling she was trying to go for some kind of Virgin Mary vibe:

Does this… remind you of anything at all?

🎼She’s just a Duchess from a rich familyyyy
Give her back her title please Queen Lizzieee🎼

Anyway – that’s enough reporting on these two idiots for one week – I’m sure more will come out that I’ll have to discuss next weekend, so let’s not give them more airtime than they deserve.

Royal tour of Ireland

Let’s take a moment to thank the Lord that we at least have these two to shake off any royal embarrassment.

Dear Jesus, we thank you everyday that Catherine Middleton wore that see-through dress at university all those years ago, thus ensnaring the future King of England and ensuring we didn’t end up with another Markle mess. Amen.

So this last week, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge headed out on a royal tour of Ireland, where unlike another couple I can think of, they actually undertook some productive engagements.

On the couple’s first day, they met the President and Prime Minister, where they also paid a visit to the Garden of Remembrance.

Prince William even showed off his skills when it came to juggling, much to his wife’s amusement.

“Ah, that’s wonderful darling! Well done!”
“Were those Harry’s balls, by any chance?”

But of course – no trip to Ireland is complete without a pint of Guinness, and the Duke and Duchess were only too happy to oblige.

“Yes, one does regularly pop to one’s local for a pint and a packet of pork scratchings, yah.”
“Yeah right – you wouldn’t know a pork scratching if it was shoved up your arse.”

Some, however, accused Catherine of “fake sipping” her Guinness, with many royal watchers speculating she could be pregnant for the fourth time.

Honestly, I did notice that she appeared slightly fuller in the face on this tour, and that she did the thing she always does before announcing a pregnancy – she’s cut her hair:

However – at 38 and with three pregnancies already behind her, I do feel we are reading too much into these “signs” and that it’s highly unlikely she’s pregnant and more likely she just had some split ends and hates beer.

“Yes, this really is some ghastly shite, yah.”

Catherine even got a chance to engage in more sporting events– which maybe could’ve gone better than it did…

“That’s it darling, nice and easy yah.”
“I said EASY, yah – that one’s headed for England!”
“Shit, I think that one hit Windsor Castle!”
“Oh actually, it’s ok babes – it was only Frogmore.”

All in all, it was a hugely successful trip for William and Catherine and restored a lot of the damage done this week by the Suckasses.


Well that’s all for this week, my darlings – I’m all typed out and need to get on with some housework.

But have a fab week ahead, stay safe and healthy and I’ll see you all next Sunday! 💋

19 responses to “Royal round-up: 8th March”

  1. Another Sunday fun day courtesy of the Crowns of Britain!! Thank you for the gif from Vicious….and is it just me fellow Yanks, but does “just call me Harry” look like he borrowed a jacket from the Captain Obvious travel ads here in the USA???

    1. Thank you so much darling – really appreciate it! ❤️

  2. Great article, thank you.

    1. Thank you my love! ❤️

  3. Margaret Santos avatar
    Margaret Santos

    I LOVE these, and look forward to them so much!!! Your wit is so delicious, it just brightens up my day. Have you aver thought of putting them all together in a book? 👍. 💗💗💗💗💗

  4. Thank you for not falling for the Smirkles bullshit. People and the press tumbling arse over tit because Smegs doesn’t look quite as disgusting as before. None have mentioned how crazed and coked out she clearly is though. They clearly have no shame. So glad to have found you!

  5. Thank you for not being duped by these two like the press and many others this past week. Just because Smegs doesn’t look as disgusting as she has previously, it’s like all is forgiven. They neglect to mention she’s so obviously coked out.

    William and Kate are shining examples as usual.

  6. Hilarious, as usual. Have a great week!

    1. Thank you my darling – you too! ❤️

  7. Meghan certainly has managed to embarrass and divide. I thought that a DNA test proved that Harry wasn’t Charles’ son but the son of one of Diana’s boyfriends, so it’s strange to an American why the Windsors would care so much if Harry & Meghan are breaking free & dissing them.

    1. The dumb one is dumber than a rock, but he is clearly Charles’s son. He is a Ginger Charles complete with carbon copy close set small beady eyes and nose. When he was younger that Teck ( the look they all have courtesy of Queen Mary) gene pool was fighting a losing battle with Spencer and Mountbatten and for a brief shining moment circa 2013 it looked like the good Mountbatten genes might win out. Sadly the Windsor won with Spencer settling for the hair now currently being denuded by Markle stress.

      Btw, the bad Mountbatten genes are the ones that give them the horse teeth. If you google other Mountbattens relatives, horse teeth aplenty. Once i saw that, i knew that Andrew is definitely a Mountbatten because he has those teeth as do Anne, William, B and E.

  8. Really enjoyed this Royal Roundup. The news is so grim nowadays. Almost as grim as Harry and Meghan’s future.

  9. Great take on all the royal goings on and the Suckasses obvious fuckery that they had afoot! 😄😉 I thought DDOC were definitely fab on their tour. Loved your captions! 😂😂😂. Look forward to next Sunday, Saffy. Hats off to you!! 🎩

  10. Saffy, another brilliant recap of the Suckarses bullshit. Btw, I let out a big squeal of delight that you included the pic I sent you! Being mentioned in your post absolutely made my day! You’re so bloody talented and I get a huge laugh from your posts each week! Keep being your fabulous self! Hugs and love to you! Xx

  11. Brilliant, as always. Thank you.

  12. bloomsbury101 avatar

    Your posts keep getting better and better. Love the captions too.

  13. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy your blog. I look forward to it on Sunday and read it at work on a break. I wish I were as witty but at least you are and I appreciate that. And you have such good subjects to lampoon, the Sussexes or Suckasses or what ever they’re called.

  14. Sorry to butt in again…I just want to say I’m sorry about the “Captain Obvious” jacket remark. I respect the Royal Marines and I only said it because I’m offended that Harry is sticking up two fingers at his fellow soldiers by leaving the UK with Miss Thing.

  15. I’ve just re-read the comments and it seems mine wasn’t saved! Weird!

    I wanted to say a huge thank you 😊 for mentioning me in your post! I squealed with delight at being included in your wonderfully witty blog! Thanks again Saffy! Sending hugs and love! 🥰🥰🥰

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