Royal round-up: 12th January

Happy Sunday lovelies! 💋

Well there’s no point beating around the bush – bloody hell, hasn’t this been an explosive week in royal news!

I think I speak for all of us when I say:

Before this week started out, I was doing what I normally do; opening up a draft for the following weekend’s blog, jotting down some headers and hoping something fairly big will happen over the week so that I can take the piss out of it on Sunday.

Boy, did I get what I wished for.

Storm Sussex struck the UK just after 7:00pm on Wednesday night

Well you’ve all been waiting long enough, so without further ado – let’s dive right in!

Harry and Meghan are out

This couldn’t NOT be the top news for this week, could it?

Yes, on Wednesday, Harry and Meghan sent shockwaves across the globe as they (finally) made the announcement that they are stepping down as senior royals within the BRF.

Not that they did much when they were actually in the fold, but whatever

The media made out that it was a “bombshell” announcement and they were all incredibly shell-shocked that the Sussexes had made this move… Though there are those of us who saw it coming already about three years ago, before the ring was even on; the only thing that has shocked me about the situation is that I thought it would take more time than it has.

Honestly, I thought Meghan would at least have the decency to play house and Princess for about five years before trying to tear down our 1000-year-old monarchy, but I guess the book deals and chat show appearances aren’t going to hang around forever.

“We can’t do this to Oprah, yah – she’s been waiting for months.”

To make this grand announcement, Harry and Meghan jetted back to the UK and visited Canada House, where they apparently went to “thank the Canadian government for having them”…

I mean, I don’t know about you, but I don’t usually visit the embassies of countries I have been to as I journey back from my hols. Something tells me this was just a ploy to be seen out and about and put them in front of the cameras.

“Where was it we went again? Vancouver? Or was it Toronto?”

Clearly Meghan was super excited to be back in front of the cameras and struggled to contain it as she sweat through her £300 jumper:

I’m sure this is the moment that she’d realised what had happened with her underarms, hence the robotic wave, but just like allowing her to marry into the family – it was now too late

I’m not entirely sure what the reason for this visit was, or why we all had to know about it, but what I do know is that in my search to find photos for this blog post, the Daily Mail had a nice personal hygiene tip for Meghan in the form of an ad within the article:

Bit peak but I’m laughing anyway

And then… a day later… all hell broke loose.

Who gives a shit, as long as they’re gone

The first thing to note from all of this is that despite the Queen being made aware toward the end of last year of the Sussexes’ intentions, she did tell them not to break the news to the public – something, amongst many other items, that they ignored.

“You little fucker – I’ll get you for this.”

It was also reported that the Cambridges, along with Prince Charles, were only notified of Harry and Meghan’s intentions to step down about ten minutes before it was announced to the general public – although I suspect William and Catherine were celebrating the news, more than anything else.

“At last, babes – we can open that bottle of Veuve Cliquot that we’ve been saving for a special occasion.”

And Prince Charles was left wondering if he’d be continuing to foot the bill for Harry and Meghan, even if they were living in another country.

“Do tell Harry exactly where he can shove this chequebook.”

But of course, despite the family’s reactions, there were questions: what would they do to make money, now that they wanted to be financially independent? Where would their main living base be? Will they keep their titles? And are we still paying for their security, because quite frankly, fuck that?

But the Sussexes have grand plans; Harry, keen to show his grandmother that he can provide for his family without taxpayer handouts, has taken a job at McDonald’s in a little town in Vancouver:

“So that was one pheasant happy meal with a side of quail eggs, yah? …Yah, sir? Oh fuck it, I’ll bag it up for Meghan’s dinner.”

And Meghan, who was slightly less keen on taking a job but knew she needed to keep herself in Givenchy, has started a new position as a Back of House Facilities Manager… or at least that’s what she’s put on her LinkedIn. The shortened term for it is “cleaner”.

“Bloody hell – they must’ve all had Harry’s caviar on toast from McDonald’s again.”

The couple, now realising they had about ten quid left from Harry’s inheritance from his mum, had to downsize in terms of property – and began renting a modest, two-bedroom abode in the heart of the city:

“Well I think it has character, Meg – I know it’s not Frogmore, but I’ll splash some paint around and have it looking like Buckingham Palace in no time, babes.”
“Ok babes, let’s give it a shot. But it really is a total shithole, yah.”

All jokes aside, I really do think they’ll regret this decision; bar trying to use the Sussex royal “brand” to make money, they have limited prospects when it comes to actually funding their lifestyles, save for a few talk shows and magazine deals.

I give it two years before Harry is trailing back to the UK with his tail between his legs and Archie in his arms, begging the BRF for forgiveness once Meg has divorced him.

“I know I fucked up yah, but the guest house at Windsor Castle will be ready for me, right Granny?”

And despite Charles’s concerns about how badly Meghan and Harry might rinse the Duchy estate, as they really don’t have any money of their own, he did try and see the silver lining to his son abandoning the family:

“…maybe with the stress of it all, you’ll finally cark it and one will get to sit on the throne at last.”

Of course, it all remains to be seen, but in the meantime and as it stands, we may finally be seeing the back of the Sussexes – and all I can say is feel free to leave your titles and (our) money at the door when you leave – and don’t let it hit you in the arse on the way out.

“So long, peasants – thanks for all the cash.”

Kate’s birthday

Poor cow.

Of course, Harry and Meghan would have to break their big news on the eve of her 38th birthday, totally overshadowing her celebrations. Or so the media thought, anyway.

On Thursday afternoon, Kate was seen driving through Kensington Palace gates, looking a little sombre following the Sussexes’ revelation.

The media did their level best to make it seem that her forlorn expression was due to Haz and Meg’s announcement, but I think it was more likely a hangover, after having started her birthday celebrations early the night before.

And what of the marks under her left eye?

Well, after one too many gin and tonics, Kate decided to drive over to Frogmore Cottage at 2am and tell Meghan what she really thought of her plans to break away from the royal family – resulting in a royal showdown.

“Meghan open the fucking door, you old skank – this is an order from the future Queen!”

Once Catherine had called Meghan every name under the sun, Meg decided she’d had just about enough of the Drunken Duchess and promptly delivered a thump to the eye, sending Kate flying backwards into the fine china cabinet.

“Bitch you think you can come in here with your good hair and long legs and tell me what’s what – get the fuck outta here.”

Hearing the commotion, Prince Harry eventually woke up and stormed into the living room in a desperate attempt to break up the fight:

“Ladies, cut it out, yah – this is no way for a future Queen and Z-list actress to behave.”

Realising she’d said her piece, Kate staggered away from Frogmore, armed with a fistful of Meghan’s weave and a black eye.

“Yeah, this isn’t over bitch; watch when I’m Queen Consort of Canada, I’ll have you decapitated and then deported.”

Otherwise, reports say that Kate had a lovely birthday with her husband, friends and children and even sent Harry and Meghan some birthday cake as a peace offering.

“Joke’s on you, babe – I shat in that one as well.”

Madame Tussaud’s move Harry and Meghan

They don’t fuck about over there, do they?

Yep, it took all of 0.3 seconds for Madame Tussaud’s here in London to separate Harry and Meghan’s waxworks from the rest of the royal family, signalling the beginning of the transition process.

Before, the rather sinister waxworks stood to the right of Her Majesty The Queen
Now, they stand… well, fuck knows where, but they’re not polluting the royal display and that’s all that matters

One can only imagine that they were dumped in the bins somewhere round the back – a joke that was cracked a few times over Twitter:

Seems like the best choice

Or maybe, for the Sustainable Sussexes who are environmentally-friendly humanitarians, they recycled the two mannequins and reused them as toilet seat covers at Buckingham Palace at Her Majesty’s request.

“Now one’s arse will always be warm when one goes to the bog at 3am.”

Well that’s all for this week, darlings; I think it goes without saying that this next week will bring a crazy amount of news, gossip and speculation on the Sussexes and their next move. I for one can’t wait – just so we can make fun of them next week, if nothing else.

In the meantime, sit tight, grab the popcorn and buckle up – we’re in for some turbulence!

Have a fabulous week, my lovelies 💋

45 responses to “Royal round-up: 12th January”

  1. My fav – “you little fucker. I’ll get you for this!! 😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣

    1. 😂😂😂 I can only imagine the Queen is thinking it!

      1. So totally agree. She probably wants to bitch slap them both! ☺️

  2. Saffy, as always you had me laughing!! Fabulous post!

    1. Thank you my darling! So glad you enjoyed it ❤️

  3. Like you I gave it five years but clearly positioning themselves to make as much money as possible from their status was the plan all along – which I also suspected the more I read about her. And how bloody DARE these freeloaders and grifters simper that they are going to ‘collaborate’ with the Queen? good riddance to bad rubbish, I say, and leave your royal titles and entitlement to money at the door before you leave.

    If they go through with this I give it two years before the inevitable divorce and PH back in England looking very sheepish.

    1. You are totally right – this is never going to last and will definitely blow up in their faces. Harry will receive zero sympathy when he returns to the uk.

  4. Laughed so hard my husband thought I was choking and the dogs started barking!! Brilliant, as always. Of course I stalk Daily Mail for info, but do so love the way you put everything together. Next week… how Harry (do we still use the PH or just H?) pushed his wife onto Disney and viola! Now she’s doing a voice over! 😂

    1. Thank you so much lovely – I really appreciate the support ❤️ I can’t wait for what this week will bring – I’m sure it’ll be bloody entertaining!

    2. I bet the press is sitting on a lot more like the Disney clip that they’ll release, I get a very strong sense that the gloves are off now. For a huge number of people being rude to HM is not what they are prepared to forgive.

      1. From what I have heard the Disney voice over has already been done – September last year – Can’t be sure that it is FACT, but I suspect Disney may actually never use her voice over as MM will claim © on her voice & demand more payments a “royalties” (not a royal claiming royalties Oxymoronic statement or what!)
        But whatever sum she got, only 5% needs to go to the elephant sanctuary – which means MM has lots of money in her money pot.

  5. So much breathless media coverage and commentary out there, but your weekly Roundup nails it! Lol. Thanks!

    1. Thank you so much my lovey! 💖

  6. Fab, fab, and even more fab !!!!!

    1. Thanks so much! Always appreciate your support 💖

  7. Brilliant as always!

    1. Thank you my love! 💖

  8. I can’t decide if this is a giant turd of news to land just before Kate’s birthday, or the biggest birthday present ever.

    1. My thoughts exactly!

  9. I am sure poor Walt Disney is rolling over in his grave but Disney has gone so far left it is no longer appropriate for kids. The 2 are merely the flavor of the week and I doubt she will be the next Kylie Jenner. She is way too unlikable on many levels. All said I feel badly for the Queen who was only trying to protect a troubled Grandson

    1. I totally agree with you – it’s all a shambles.

  10. Loved the mannequins in the dustbin!! Love and appreciate the laughs but seriously sad for the Queen. Strip her HRH and title. Make her sign an NDA. Hand over the “ baby” and bugger off!!!

    1. Thank you my love 💖 I totally agree!! Time for the queen to put her foot down!

    2. I suspect RMM already signed a prenup & NDS prior to the “Virginal Wedding” – HMTQ wasn’t impressed then, nor is she now, having told her son & heir to “SORT YOUR SON OUT” – which he can’t do as he like Harry is a wet blanket. It’s all going to have to be down to William, & Camilla/Kate by earpiece to actually get anything resolved. The best thing for ALL concerned is to remove all titles – even Harry’s “Prince” (until RMM leaves him with the ???child!!! Sending rings back through the post), unless she’s already done that -{not wearing any of them on Thursday when HM cancelled M’s Patronage of the Drama, Which MM didn’t hear or bother to listen to} it was always doomed as MM LIED before the engagement & again several times about invites to her family before the wedding.
      Courtiers claimed it was a “Degree Marriage”, after all of the rows, with doors slamming & MM screaming. Harry gave M what M wanted just to keep her silent! What a mess she has looked since always in very expensive clothes looking worse than anyone could imagine. I think I look better even suffering from Cushing’s Syndrome which has made my face swell!! I know HOW to put clothes on for my shape – M hasn’t a clue! Sorry all I am really feeling bitchy about this woman – I hope HMTQ LISTENS TO HER PEOPLE.

  11. Dear Saffy, bwa-ha-ha, as usual you madeTHE most brilliant quotes under pics ever!!! Can’t wait to see what announcement is made by the Queen. I truly hope she (with Charles and William strongly supporting it) strips them of Duke & Duchess and HRH titles, funding and anything representing the BRF forevermore. With legal language that says you’ll sue the bejjeeesus out of them if they try any crap. Then follow that with a remark telling the media/Country you and the Gov’t. applaud Mr & Mrs. Harry’s desire for an independent private life and the subject is closed for discussion.

    1. Thank you my love! 💖 I agree – time to strip them of their titles and put a firm boot up their arses. No more playing nice.

  12. Nothing against Canada ( and neither Harry or Meghan are citizens) but I don’t think there is much opportunity there for the Sussexes to exploit. They’ll have to go to LA or NYC to stay in the public eye. Meghan does have US citizenship so she can live and work here but Harry will have to apply for a permanent resident visa and a green card to seek employment. How much they can reasonably expect to earn maybe a problem after their novelty wears off. A suitable home in LA or NYC would consume most of Harry’s inheritance and they can forget about servants unless they are earning big money which I don’t see happening. They aren’t talented or interesting people.

  13. littlemisshappy120 avatar

    Hey lovely.

    I do hope that you are well.

    Well I have always called this a soap opera but……seriously!!
    I read that in response to him lining a voice over for Disney was it for “Honey, I shrunk the Royal Family” made me chuckle out load!!

    It’ll be interesting to see what the outcome will be, I’m sure Mon/Tues we all will be glued to the news.

    Have a good week lovely.
    Much love 💕

  14. Ah, yes…as my great grandmother was fond of saying…Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. Bye Felicia…I mean Meg. Now, onto this week’s shitshow…

    1. Hahaha that’s brilliant!

  15. I’ve actually been saying 2 years and I’m sticking by it. I think we may well hear that Meghan can’t deal with Harry’s issues and for the sake of her and Archmeister’s mental health she had to leave him. I think it will happen by the end of the year. She’s already left him alone to deal with this mess but we all know she’s in his ear constantly.

    I was suffering battle fatigue before I read this post and now I’m laughing hysterically about everything. Let’s just hope HM and PC stand strong and strip the Sussex name and not give into their demands.

  16. I’m new here, and I died laughing at the wax figures upside down in the bin out back of Mme. Tussaud’s. Sadly though, I think the “So long peasants–thanks for all the cash” may come true. I can only hope the flame of easy money extinguishes quickly as companies realize ain’t no-one gonna’ buy what Meg wants to sell.

  17. Thank you for your take on the latest clusterfu@k of disfunction from these 2 twits. It’s a losing proposition for the Queen. If she gives in, they’ll be back with greater demands before spring. If she tosses them out on their arses (Which she should), Megs will dump Harry like last years fashion. And my friends, that boy has been bewitched by her. He’s bought into her manic ideas of grandiosity, upstaging and outplaying The Crown. The type of ideas that, at one time, would have sent one to the tower. When she ghosts him, it will crush him. Couple that rejection with public humiliation & a possible addiction and things are going to go from bad to ‘I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news about Harry’ fast! The three people I feel the most sympathy for in all of this is Her Majesty, Prince Philip, and the baby playing Archie this week. Two have served with dedication and honour and the third is an innocent child.

    On a side note, I would like to extend an apology to the great people of England. My family and I visited London in the summer of 2017 and I neglected to pop into a English Embassy and thank the staff when I got back to Canada. I’m deeply ashamed of this misstep. In all seriousness, it was the most fabulous trip ever though. I can’t convey how much I loved London. Can’t wait to go back!

    1. Lee Anne
      how could you?!! I mean, doesn’t EVERYONE go home & then go to the Embassy of which country they have visited to thank them?! Crikey MM has set a “new trend” & folk will be standing in line to get to various embassies across the planet to thank them for their country’s hospitality! They only went there to make a photo shoot & no doubt to enquire about renewing their visa’s!

      I think the Queen will be like her son – far too soft, = to a chocolate fireguard – and it will come down to poor William to actually make the decisions. If it does, then I will write to HM requesting Charles moved out of her line of heirs & the next heir to be William. I am hoping that Philip, Camilla & Catherine are on ear pieces to stiffen the fibres of those at these talks He REALLY should be WITH THEM. Harry wouldn’t open his mouth then & MM can’t stand up to PP – he is too well educated, & sharp of wit & can be very low in temper. He would make this all go away with a snap of his fingers.

  18. Dearest Saffy – lots of very good material as always – I was NOT holding a mug of tea or even a glass of water! ( I am finally learning!)
    Let’s look at a couple of things. I remember agreeing with some of the BRF Staff who called the Marriage “a Degree marriage” – which it is certainly living up to that! 3 years than Bam flam thank you ma’am!
    We have until November to get rid of this lying piece of fakery, the titles must be removed or else she will really sh*t on the “reverence” of the Royals. I hear she is threatening a “tell all” radio show – Wow – what has she got that she can “complain/moan” about seeing she has been given EVERYTHING she wanted (bar the tiara, red carpet & air fresheners!). I think a collation of things MM has done that actually reflect badly on the BRF, UK, et. should be drawn up – I mean – doing a “Princess Diana tell all” when she has never actually WORKED as a FULL TIME royal, hasn’t had a husband commit adultery, hasn’t had 2 children = what DOES MM have to whinge about?. I think you may end up doing 2 RR-Us this week!! There is JUST SO MUCH DATA!!!

    Some of us have been saying this since before the engagement – but after being bullied online I decided to keep my thoughts of RMM to myself until this time last year – ish!
    Can’t wait to see what HMTQ, HRHPC, HRHPW & I dearly hope HRHPPDoE do tomorrow & how they are going to with a woman like MeGain “(What are we going to do about Megraine)… Do we have to be nice & play her game…. Isn’t it time to let her go & find herself…. with no support from us the Royals” – etc. Thank to the Sound of Music for the tune that just went through my head!
    Love hugs & ear plugs for the screaming that MM will do as HMTQ HOPEFULLY removes her titles! Kkxxx

  19. Brilliant as always!!! 😹😹

  20. LOL.. had me a good laugh..”ÿou little fucker” lol

  21. I saw your blog recommended on Daily mail and I have to tell you it’s fabulous! I love British humor and your captions are hysterical. Can’t wait to read next weeks. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

  22. As Bette Davis said in All About Eve: Fasten your seat belts, it’s gonna be a bumpy night (or in our case “week”). You know, Megs Markle is playing the part of Eve Harrington for real.

  23. Well, I always said two years since that seems to be the longest she can sustain a relationship. It’s absolutely shocking, though, that she’s threatening the RF with a tell-all with Tom B. if she doesn’t get what she wants. Not an iota of respect for the Monarchy and British people. There should be no negotiations. Strip them of their Titles, taxpayer funding, and RPOs. Then see how long she sticks around. Thanks for the continuing laughs.

  24. Wow, you killed it again Saffy (no idea if this is your name but I m copying from others!) Love the videos and descriptions. Little fuckers one was so apropo and the one about decapitating and deporting had me burst out laughing! Wonderful job. I haven t posted in a while but I enjoy your commentary immensely! Happy NY!

    PS I feel so bad for PH. He needs to just divorce her now. We knew it was all coming to this. His family is more important then her.

  25. Thanks for the post! And now, can I suggest we all do a little victory dance and happily wave our “We told you so” banners around? We have every right to!
    Not to say that this wasn’t completely out of the blue. There were many tell-tale signs (such as a picture of Cringe and Ginge missing from HM’s tabletop during the Christmas message), as well as the “much-needed break” – it all seemed to come together as a warning to the two dimwits that they better rethink their wokeness. It is surprising, though, that they jumped the gun. Could they not handle the humiliation of an official announcement stating that they have been sacked and decided to convince us that they meant to do that anyway?
    This whole situation reeks of emotional blackmail. It almost seems as if MeAgain gave Hazza an ultimatum: either me or them, and the spineless twerp agreed to all the demands of the “woman he loved”. The parallels to Wallis Simpson are just eerie.
    It looks like Nutmeg just wanted the perks without the responsibilities and quickly realised that no one is as impressed by her as she thought everyone would be. I always have an impression that she saw “Notting Hill” too many times and modelled herself after Julia Robert’s Anna Scott character: “all these Brits are going to be in awe over my celestial presence because I am the AMERICAN ACTRESS”. She even makes the same smug face all the time.
    I’ve been saying this alot, but feel entitled to repeat it over and over: the cultural (or let’s call them social, as in socialising and interaction) differences between the UK and the US are HUGE. H-U-G-effing-E. If she wasn’t willing to acknowledge this, she had a problem right from the start. No one was going to fawn over her because it’s just not done.
    Of course, cultural differences do not justify her bone-headed lack of respect of “this institution”, especially of HM. Nor do they permit her materialistic, greedy, have-my-cake-and-eat-it -too, preachy lifestyle.
    Now we’re just waiting for the divorce announcement.

  26. I was waiting for your take! It’s quite as legit as all the muckity journos lol! And way more entertaining.
    My only additional observation – If I were Megs (gawd forbid!) I’d be pissed the press is mostly using my last UK appearance photo on every story — the one where I’m wearing a poo-colored turtleneck with sweat stains.
    Not her best look by far. haha

  27. Love your round ups!!! Always so well written and hysterical!! Today I went on youtube and saw Trevor Noah of the “Daily Show” had a new video on Harry and Meghan. I noticed all the comments were only pro Harry and Meghan, so I posted a polite statement of facts against them. Funny, my comment never showed up! My friend wrote another comment that was not pro Harry and Meghan. Funny, HERS never showed up EITHER. Talk about manipulation!

  28. The DM has said that all of Nutmeg and Harry’s commemorative souvenir postcards went missing from the Sandringham Gift Shoppe. Check Philip’s fireplace. Poor old git.

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