Royal round-up: 29th December

Happy Sunday my lovelies! I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas, over-indulged with the chocolate and cheese and have thrown the word “gym” out of your vocabulary– at least for the remainder of 2019.

After mixing red wine, champagne and prosecco last night and not moving out of bed until 1pm today, I’ve been moving slowly through this royal round-up, so apologies that this is going out so late – but nonetheless, let’s take a look at some royal Christmas highlights!

Christmas with the royals

Ahh, that magical time of year when the fires are roaring, the turkey is being carved and Prince Andrew scurries in through the back door of the church for a Christmas service to avoid being stabbed to death.

“I’m not down with getting shanked, yah.”

This year, on the traditional public walk to church, we were treated to the first ever Sandringham appearance for Prince George, 6, and Princess Charlotte, 4, who joined their parents for the Christmas Day service.

It’s a bit clear to me that George and Charlotte have inherited their father’s disdain of the press, as neither kid looked particularly thrilled to be photographed – but that could also be because they were forced out in the cold on Christmas Day to sit in a draughty church, instead of being able to sit at home and play with their new presents.

“Let’s get a fucking move on – that new pony ain’t gonna ride itself.”

Following the service, Catherine and Charlotte did their rounds and greeted the public, with Charlotte only really perking up after she was given some presents by some strangers.

“I’m meant to give these back? Haha, yeah – like fuck.”

A couple of members of the public even hugged the little princess, as Charlotte thanked one for a doll she received from her:

“Yeah well, it’s hardly Hamley’s, but it’ll do.”
“Yes, thanks for the inflatable pink bird, and I’m sympathetic that you’re in a wheelchair, but get your fucking hands off me.”

George seemed slightly less interested in engaging with the public, and stood with a face like a smacked arse beside his father as he greeted well-wishers.

“Did I really get outta bed for this shit?”

Both kids looked really smart though and it was lovely to see them – and who knows, maybe next year little Louis will be on the walk too!

“Yeah, not if I can fucking help it.”

Sussex Christmas photo

Right, even with my disdain for the Sussexes (and children in general), I’m trying so very hard to remain as adult as possible about this and NOT insult an innocent baby, but…. bloody hell, what was going on here?

“This year we’ve chosen to send our holiday card electronically” should have an add on of “because we couldn’t be arsed to mail it to any of you peasants”

First of all – why are Meghan’s teeth so white? It’s one of the first things you notice – even with Archie’s massive head taking up 80% of the lens.

I know there were two versions released; one where Harry is blurred out and another where he is in focus (which Sussex Stans were quick to point out), but either way, the picture really isn’t that great and something about Harry’s smug face makes me want to punch him in it.

Perhaps next year, provided they’re still actually married – the chances of which seem to be diminishing rather quickly, we might suggest that Harry is obscured by a giant Christmas tree? Or maybe they’ll wrap him in tinsel and have him as a Christmas decoration? I’m sure his balls were already used as baubles this year anyway.

Think we’ve got a good idea as to their whereabouts, Harry

And yes… I’m going to push the boundaries here and say something controversial, but….

Archie isn’t very cute at all.

If you’ve raised your pitchforks, please lower them; I know when people say a baby isn’t cute, they are automatically put in the same category as Satan and that guy from that Netflix documentary who killed the cats, but really – I do not believe all babies are beautiful and this one certainly isn’t.

Also, one thing my Twitter friends and I picked up on is that Archie looks incredibly Asian?

I mean, it’s weird – I’m half Asian and he looks more Asian than I do. I thought he looked a lot like Harry to begin with, but I’m not so sure anymore.

There’s only one thing for it…

And on a final note, if they post one more photo in black and white, I will flip my shit. It doesn’t look classy or artsy – it just looks stupid and like you’re trying desperately hard to hide some bad photoshop (which appears to be the case with Archie’s hairline in this photo).


Harry and Meghan in Canada

So despite the promise that we’d get a nice break from Dumb & Dumber, as predicted, we’re being given hourly updates on their movements; I’m expecting to hear about their bowel ones any day now too.

This weekend, we have learnt that they are indeed holed up in a luxury mansion somewhere in Victoria and courtesy of the British taxpayer, where Doria has nicely cashed in on this too and gone to stay with them.

This whole island area was theirs for Christmas… all of this… for three people and a baby

Moving swiftly on…

Apparently we are to believe that it wasn’t Meghan that gave the tabloids a tip-off as to the fact they were in the area, but rather some randoms who apparently saw Harry and Meghan out for a jog.

I’d wager it was more likely Harry was trying to make a break for freedom and Meghan was chasing him, but I’m no eye witness for the situation.

“Meghan, get away from me yah – one just wants to live one’s life.”

Then some other people said they saw Harry out alone for a hike near some woodland area – but once again, was he on a hike, or was he trying to judge the drop off the side of the cliff to see if it was possible to slide down and escape?

“Looks a bit steep, yah – I think I’ll give it a miss.”

It all smacks of bullshit to me.

One second they’ve apparently been holed up indoors and haven’t set foot outside and the next they’ve been out doing all this outdoorsy shit?

And then, apparently sick of cooking for themselves (or Harry had finally gotten fed up of avocado on toast), the two of them and their security detail headed over to Deep Cove Chalet for a spot of dinner… but not before Madam Meghan had arranged a full inspection of the restaurant to see if it was to her standards:

“I mean, it’s just nothing like Harrods, yah.”

And then, void of organic kale and leaves foraged from the purest woodland areas of Canada, the menu also wasn’t to Her Royal Highnesses’ liking:

But not one to be outright dismissive, Meghan tried her hardest to sample some of the local food on offer, only to find it totally inedible:

But apparently it didn’t go over too well

It was then, utterly devastated at the prospect of starving to death, (as there is only one restaurant in Canada), that Meghan turned to Harry and delivered her final verdict:

Harry, who couldn’t possibly say no to his pushy Princess, could no longer contain his disgust with the establishment and gave the manager one final line to think on as they swiftly departed the restaurant:

There’s a slight chance Meghan got excited because she thought it was called Deep Throat Chalet and was pissed off when she got there and realised her mistake, but what do I know…

“But… we drove the full three minutes to get here and it’s NOT a sex-themed restaurant?!”

Ok – maybe I embellished a few details with the above, but I believe the actual story is that Harry and Meghan did in fact show up to the restaurant to “inspect” it and see if they wanted to eat there; however, they did also show up with a team of security and add that to their ridiculous diva demands, the manager decided to stop them from dining there, as he simply wasn’t in the mood for their bullshit.

We know how you feel mate

The restaurant have denied that they chucked Haz and Megs out into the cold, but they’ve still received a steady stream of abuse from Harry and Meghan’s ever-classy fans, telling the restaurant that they should’ve bent over backwards to accommodate the Spare and his Whore.

Looks like the restaurant manager also has a special message for Haz, Megs and their fans too:

Perhaps we’ll never know where Harry and Meghan wound up dining that night – but considering their $14 million mansion boasts a professional chef’s kitchen, I’m sure they have all the amenities they need to whack on a couple of microwave meals.

I do hope you’ve all asked Meghan if she’s “ok” this holiday season, the poor little love

Meghan’s own newspaper?

And so, Meghan continues her quest for world domination.

Yes, the latest in the stream of Sussex Shite is that Meghan is thinking of further expanding the Sussex Royal “brand”, even though one doesn’t exist, and wants to start her own newspaper.

I genuinely don’t

This comes off the back of claims that Twat 1 and Twat 2 now want to slap their trademark on, well, basically everything.

They apparently also want to start issuing their own stationary and merchandise, because as members of the royal family, they can’t find anything better to do with their time.

Meghan reminds me of a child that’s been given a pack of stickers and they just want to put them on everything out of sheer excitement.

“Meghan… Meghan… give us back the pens please, love.”

I kinda get it though; I mean, if I was as narcissistic as Meghan, I’d want a newspaper for myself too. That way all I could talk about is myself and it would be acceptable, because I own the damn paper.

Meghan at her newspaper’s head office, when asked why the front cover, all 62 pages and the back cover are all images of her face

Let’s face it, we know it’d be all about Meghan. If the Sussex instagram is anything to go by, where she managed to turn the entire tour of Africa into a life story about herself, I can’t imagine a newspaper created by her would be any different– even if people around her told her it’s not quite the correct approach:

“But Meghan, you didn’t mention any charities in this month’s paper at all?”
“…I was meant to mention the charities…?”

I’d imagine there’d also be a small section every week where she drags the Cambridges and drops in little tidbits of gossip she’s managed to get her claws into; just because judging by how her PR works, she believes that the only way to look good is to make somebody else look bad – isn’t that right, Megs?


For the sake of our sanity, I think it’s best they both refrain from popping the Sussex stamp on anything else, in a desperate bid to make as much money as possible for when they’re ousted from the BRF for good.

Next they’ll be telling us they commissioned the original building plans for Buckingham Palace.

Well that’s all for this week, folks – and that was the last post of 2019!

As we see out the year in just a couple of days time, I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy new year! All the best for 2020, where I’m sure there’ll be lots more shenanigans for me to report on and us all to laugh at. I have a feeling it will be a big one….

Until next year, my dears… πŸ’‹

27 responses to “Royal round-up: 29th December”

  1. Always enjoy your Royal Roundup! Wonder if Harry had time to call his grandfather or has he been Tom Markled from the Sussexes lives too.

    1. Thank you my love! And he probably has been – doesn’t look like either of them bother with anybody anymore besides themselves! xx

  2. Awesome vlog, thank you for putting these out as they always make me laugh! Have a fabulous New Year’s!

    1. Thank you my lovely! Happy New Year to you too! xx

  3. Love reading this. Please keep going next year and Happy New Year to you and all who have the good taste to read your posts.

    1. I certainly intend to! πŸ˜‰ Thank you my love – wishing you a very Happy New Year also! xx

  4. Nice one Saffy!
    I just feel for HM, DoE, PC, PW&K – they are all being abused by RMM’s behaviour and poor Hasmat is literally as wet as a blanket not stopping his wife from being such a circus. Bring in the clowns, don’t bother – she’s here…. Can you imagine having her as your sister in law? Eek No way! Phew!! I just hope we get the original Harry back not this neutered rabbit that we currently have.

    All the very best for 2020, may it bring only good things to your door for you and your family to enjoy. KKxx

  5. You’ve outdone yourself!! Thanks for the laughs throughout the year! Hope 2020 is very good to you.

    1. Thank you my darling for your continued support! Wishing you a very Happy New Year! xx

  6. Merry belated Christmas and a Happy New Year 2020 to you, dearest!

    1) I also noticed that the carpet on meAgain’s side is different than the carpet on Harry’s side.
    2) That Harry seems to have grown more hair for the photo.

    3) That Archie looks like the spitting image of Thomas Markle.
    4) However Archie was photoshopped, his head looked too big for his body.
    5) And yes – Archie is one of the homeliest babies I have ever seen. Hey, not every baby is adorable. One out of 10 simply isn’t.
    6) It quite staggered me that they couldn’t even have a photo of Archie smiling. Unbelievable.

    7) Meg’s ambition is boundless. Staggeringly so. She makes the late Evita Peron look like a shy wallflower in comparison
    8) The whole foundation (so she can spend all the money on her ‘administrative expenses) and newspaper and trademarking, etc., etc. so she can merchandize everything that exists is appalling for a member of the BRF.

    9) I sincerely hope that VERY FEW people if anybody buy anything these clown put their trademark on.
    I really don’t see them having groupies, a la the Kardashians or GOOP or even the Pioneer Woman or Oprah.
    Please please please let anybody with an ounce of brain in their skulls refuse to spend anything on what they have for sale.

    10) If there is a God, let the Queen quietly distance them from any and every activity, duty, tour, etc representing the Royal Family. Let their invitation to stand on the Balcony for Trooping of the Color and whatever else, get lost in the mail.

    1. Agree, agree and agree some more! 2020 will be very interesting – will be funny to see what happens between the Sussexes and the BRF! It’ll be entertaining for sure… xx

  7. p.s. Evidently that luxury rental house is owned by a Russian oligarch. Really really bad optics for the BRF.

    And they are supposedly throwing a catered party for 15 people on New Year’s Eve. And this tidbit was released because they want their privacy, don’tcha know.

    If I had to be frisked – giving up my phone and note pads, etc. – you bet I’d be resentful enough of their diva demands that I’d still remember what was said during the evening and drop it in some book writer’s ear. Yoo-hoo, Andrew Morton? Lady Colin Campbell?
    Time for a BIG, all gloves off, tell-all biography.

  8. Well done and hilarious as usual! Thank you and Happy New Year!!😘

    1. Thank you my lovely! Happy New Year to you too! xx

  9. Thank you, Saffy. Happy New Year!

    1. Thank YOU! And happy new year to you also! xx

  10. I’m with you. That’s one odd-looking baby. Also, he doesn’t look a thing like previous pictures of him. As for why they went the eco-friendly e-card route? I’m guessing it had less to do with saving the planet, and more to do with not getting their **** together in time to send regular cards. Drugs and/or alcohol could be a factor…

    1. Hahahaha it wouldn’t surprise me! xx

  11. I’m so glad you had a wonderful Christmas and this post was a perfect ending to my Christmas celebrations.
    You’re not alone in thinking that Archie isn’t the cutest thing and yes he does look like he’s got some definite Asian looks. I hadn’t noticed the hairline until you mentioned it. Did they photoshop that as well?
    As for their copyrighting everything and this foundation of theirs, well 2020 might prove to be interesting.
    Happy New Year to you and everyone here!

    1. Thank you darling! I definitely think the hairline looks photoshopped – it’s too square at the top and looks strange… I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am! Happy New Year to you too and all the best for 2020! xx

  12. Thanks for another witty post, which is spot on, as usual. You’re right. Archie looks more Asian, and not like Harry anymore. Very weird. Hope you have a Happy New Year, and am really looking forward to future posts.

    1. Thank you my love! Happy new year to you too! xx

  13. Well, you didn’t mention your recent ailments so I’m guessing your hands are healed and you are back to two-fisting drinks. Happy for you! Your blog is like anti-nausea medicine after retching through a week of Suxsux “news”. Thank you SO MUCH for the laughter. I discovered your blog in mid-2019 and your excellent writing and wild humor became an instant addiction Wishing you a blessed and healthy New Year, Saffy!!

    1. Thank you my darling! I’m a lot better – as you say, well enough to hold two drinks at the same time at the very least! Happy New Year to you my love and all the best for 2020 xx

  14. Bless you for saying what I was thinking about that child. I usually love babies but this one just leaves me feeling rather cold. Harsh, but true.

    1. I know right?! I felt bad saying it, but there’s something off about his face… poor baby.

  15. People act like you’ve lit a kitten on fire if you dare to say that a baby isn’t cute, but THANK YOU because this one sure isn’t. Honestly is it a surprise? Harry had a few ‘Hot Harry’ years (which are def over now) but he was always the worse-looking of the two, and whatever good looks Meghan can be said to have are all due to plastic surgery. God help poor Archie if he inherits her original nose. Poor kid has the ugly gene coming from both sides.

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