CrownsOfBritain

Happy Sunday darlings! 💖

Sorry for the two-week gap; it’s a stressful time of year trying to tie up year-end crap at work and viciously beating everyone out of the way at Westfields so you can finish Christmas shopping for your family.

However, Christmas shopping (ok – almost 😕) done, I’m back and ready to gossip. I know some of the items below are a little old now, but as per, please do bear with me!

Harry and Meghan are in Canada

Thank fuck for that – I was beginning to lose sleep for worrying as to their whereabouts.

Yep, this weekend we’ve had it confirmed that Meghan and Harry have been hiding out during their “break” in Canada – the precise location of which we are not allowed to know “for security reasons”.

So hard done by and following a difficult year for the two prats, where they have had such a hard time spending all our money and jetting around the world, they have taken refuge in some luxury cabin somewhere, where they have “barely set foot out in public” the whole time.

The three of them are apparently spending some “quality family time” together, because allegedly they don’t get the opportunity to do this in England.

And I can see the issue here – really I can; between their 9 to 5 jobs, being unable to afford childcare, trying to save money to fix that leak in the roof at Frogmore and struggling to afford Christmas presents for the entire family (I.e. Doria), shit has to be difficult in the Sussex household right now.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau kindly weighed in as well, making it seem as though Harry and Meghan were seeking asylum in Canada after escaping a war torn country:

I normally don’t have much of an issue with Trudeau – in fact, I have no opinion on him at all apart from the fact that he’s quite hot and would probably get it, but where was the need for this total crap?

The sooner people stop licking the arses of these two scroungers and acting like they have it far tougher than the rest of us, the better; we all know they’re holed up making baby number two so that they can make their “big return” with a second pregnancy announcement, further sending shockwaves of nausea through the planet.

James Blunt defends Harry and Meghan

And you know things are bad when that happens.

Yes, yet another “celebrity” felt it appropriate to pipe up and defend the Dynamic Duo by telling us how wonderful they are and how horrible we are for picking on the poor prince and his showgirl.

He went on to praise their ‘incredible hard work’ (yeah, I’m not sure what he was referring to either) and got out one of the many violins he uses on his depressing albums to speak about how they do this ‘so well under such intense public scrutiny’.

James also went on to tell us: “What I think I can see is that they seem to be on the cover of the newspapers a lot and it seems to be vitriolic quite a lot of the time.”

Really, James? I fucking wonder why.

Maybe it’s their ‘do-as-I-say-and-not-as-I-do’ attitude? Or the fact that they don’t give a shit that they squander all our money because they turn up to wave at the impoverished from time to time and they think that justifies it? Or that they believe in hiding all details of their lives and that of their child’s from everybody, as though they were A-list celebs, rather than members of the Royal Family on the public payroll? Honestly, James –

These Z-list celebrities brown-nosing Harry and Meghan to get their ten seconds in the newspapers are becoming completely and utterly tiresome. Think we should gather the likes of James Blunt, Elton John and Serena Williams and just dump them on an island somewhere far away.

SmartWorks and Meghan

Keen not to be forgotten on her (not really a) break, Meghan ensured that all the charities she works with have brought her up in one way or another, just so you can remember what a Mother Theresa she is.  

Given the fact she only works with about three charities, this shouldn’t have taken too long, but I admire their efforts anyway.

Last week, it appeared to be SmartWorks on the list, as they shared some “unseen” photos of Meghan very kindly visiting them a while ago, i.e. doing her fucking job.

They went on to bury their heads even further up her arse by telling us: “We have shared some incredibly special moments with The Duchess over the past eleven months. As well as dressing and coaching our clients, she has supported and spread the word about Smart Works in the seminal issue of British Vogue and through The Smart Set Capsule Collection.”

Yes, what a charitable contribution she has made over the last year, turning every Instagram post about them into a life story about herself (complete with photos) and ensuring she spews out other people’s quotes on these all-important visits, because she hasn’t got an original thought in her head.

I’ve also enjoyed how many times they’ve ‘come out of their break’ to post something stupid on Instagram, because Meghan can’t help herself. Whether these are philosophical musings while she changes Archie’s shitty nappy, or Harry having a laugh while he smokes his morning cigarette (in secret, round the back of Doria’s house), these are always highly entertaining – because they’re so hypocritical.

Mary Berry’s Christmas

So last week, Mary Berry’s Christmas special aired on BBC1, with The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge appearing as guests on it for this year.

Mary worked alongside Catherine for her culinary creation, while William paired up with Nadiya Hussain to produce his, leading to a bit of competition between the royal couple.

In the end, Mary Berry, not wanting to spend Christmas with a royal roulade up her arse, declared it a draw between William and Catherine.

I’m not entirely sure which cake they’d shat in for Meghan, but judging by Catherine’s face, I’d wager it was William’s:

Harry and Meghan nearly died

Can’t say the Universe isn’t conspiring, can ya?

Well it’s a bit of an over-dramatisation of what happened but I’m throwing it in because I saw one of my friends repost it on Twitter, and because I hadn’t seen it before and it did make me laugh.

Apparently Harry and Meghan, on one of their luxurious private jet jaunts, had a moment of ‘terror’ when their £46 million rental Bombardier jet cruised 10ft away from a drone at Luton Airport back in August – which for some reason is still being brought up now like any of us are meant to give a shite.

Harry and Meghan, who shouldn’t have been on a fucking private jet to begin with, were making the journey from Nice Airport back to London, after spending a couple of weeks tanning their arses at our expense.

How horrible! Just 10 feet from disaster! Can you imagine if they had been… flying any lower?

In any case, I’m glad people’s priorities were in order; thousands of people sleeping on airport floors due to drone strikes over the last year, and the main concern of Luton Airport was that of two talentless twats possibly ending up with a cracked windscreen in their rental plane.

In any case, I doubt Harry and Meghan even knew it had happened – too busy quaffing champagne and dumping Archie on the nanny to realise they’d nearly had their arses taken out, but such is life when you’re a royal I guess.

Christmas pudding with the royals

So this was a cute surprise!

Prince George, together with his father The Duke of Cambridge, grandfather Prince Charles and great-grandmother Queen Elizabeth, took part in putting the finishing touches to some Rice Krispie cakes for service men and women.

George, 6, proved he was quite the natural at cooking as he made a special surprise for some family members too:

This sort of photo op seems to be a fairly new thing for the royals, so one can only assume it’s a spot of slight damage control, given the bullshit that has occurred this year for the family.

Luckily though, Prince Charles was also onhand to offer up some culinary aid for his grandson:

Well that’s all for now, my lovelies; this week we will see the Cambridge children make their first ever appearance at Sandringham when they head to church with their parents on Christmas Day – and I for one am super excited!

In the meantime – I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas with your loved ones; hoping you all get everything you want and more – and if you don’t, you can always get drunk and eat all the cheeseboards before anyone else gets a look in (like I do most years).

Have a happy and safe one, and I will see you all next week 💋🎄💋