Royal round-up: 8th December

Happy Sunday ladies and gents – hope you’ve all had a good weekend!

After my first week back at work since being ill, it was most welcome; what a stressful one that was! I swear, I could’ve died and the finance team would still come to my funeral like “that’s sad, but you’re late submitting your credit card expenses.”

Accurate depiction of my colleagues

Also pleased to announce that I had my first glass of wine in foreeeeeever on Friday night and it was beautiful. (Ok, I had 4, but I’m British – we rarely stop at one.)

But enough about me – as per, there have been some nuggets of royal manure this week to get through, so without further ado, let’s get stuck in!

Prince Charles wants to streamline the monarchy

Yes, Prince Charles reportedly wants to bring the circle in a bit where members of the royal family are concerned and this would mean bumping some useless members off the VIP list.

Three guesses where you’ll stand, Sussexes

It has been said that Charles has “wanted to do this for years” and even with his mother Queen Elizabeth still on the throne, plans have been “put in motion already”. Many believe that the shunning of Prince Andrew is an indicator that this is what’s happening behind palace walls, but…

I think that might be because he’s a paedophile, but what do I know

There are other sources that say Charles wants to limit the family beneath him to “just his sons and their children”, in order to “avoid embarrassing situations with other members of the family”– seemingly forgetting that Hypocrite Henry and Media Meg are probably the most cringeworthy members of the family.

Charles dude, come on.

Just a word of advice to the Prince of Wales, but it might be worth streamlining the monarchy down to those who actually want to be a part of it. I’ve yet to see Harry and Meghan put their arses into their roles, so until they do, they can end up on the scrapheap with the rest of them.

Where is it they’ve been again for the last three weeks, Charles?

On holiday – no doubt embarrassing another country somewhere.

Yeah – I’d hold that thought for now, mate.

Harry and Meghan spent Thanksgiving in the USA

Which brings me nicely to my next point…

An article or two surfaced this week confirming that Harry and Meghan are in fact in the USA and have been for the last few weeks, having celebrated Thanksgiving with “close family”…

Thought you didn’t have any family Meghan, so pardon my confusion

Considering most of her family (on both sides) have been slagging Meggers off in the press, talking about how they haven’t seen her in years and expressing their obvious disdain for her, I can’t imagine they were welcome around the table to share a bit of turkey and pumpkin pie this year– so I’m gonna say they spent it with Doria in her bungalow.

“Meghan, I know it’s a bungalow and the roof is close to the ground, but you don’t have to walk around like that, yah.”

Apparently Meghan, who is made out to be a Michelin star chef just because she once knocked up some avocado on toast, will be doing “all the cooking” in California – as she just “loves wearing the apron”.

Yes, I’m sure it took several hours and three years at culinary school to put this one together

Given the amount of weight Harry has lost since Meghan moved to the UK, I can only assume her cooking is fucking terrible and he’d rather starve than put any of it in his mouth.

In addition to speculation on their whereabouts, some dude called Omid Scobie, who is a prize prat, might I add – was the first to “leak” the news on behalf of Meghan that the Sussexes are currently in the USA.

For those who don’t know, Scobie is Meghan’s mouthpiece and leaks all the info to the media that Meghan is unable to leak herself, due to royal family constraints. I mean, you didn’t think Meghan would go to the USA and NOT make sure we all knew about it, did you?

Of course, many others believe that the Useless Twosome are in fact out there searching for a permanent USA home – a rumour of which many of us hope is true.

And if the stories are true that they are planning to stay out there through Christmas also, then they’ll certainly have plenty of time to house-hunt, that’s for sure.

Two useless dipshits and a ginger baby?

William on tour

Thank fuck – something to redeem all this bullshit.

As mentioned during last week’s royal round up, just as I started penning the previous one, The Duke of Cambridge had just arrived in Kuwait for a solo royal tour.

“Yeah, easy with that bag mate, it’s a Louis Vuitton.”

Prince William, who left his wife, The Duchess of Cambridge and their three children back home in England, conducted visits to both Kuwait and Oman– the first time he has officially visited either country.

“Joke’s on Kate – got me out of reading a week’s worth of bedtime stories to Louis.”

The Duke also paid a visit to the Ras Musandam Naval Base, where he wore protective glasses and ear plugs to watch soldiers throw hand grenades – which gave His Royal Highness a bright idea or two:

“Couldn’t drop a few of those on Frogmore, could you?”
“Haha – just kidding!”
“…but if you’ve got any spares, I won’t say no.”

The Duke went on to study the wetlands’ wildlife, where he even got a chance to get up close and personal with some of the beautiful creatures the land had to offer:

“I have a feeling this is the one that built a nest in Meghan’s hair for Trooping The Colour this year.”

And he even got a chance to see how Kuwaiti arts and crafts were made, first hand:

“And that must be one of Meghan’s maternity dresses!”

All in all, a successful trip for the Duke, who even made it home in time for the kids’ bedtime.

“Yeah – after a swift half at the local.”

Harry and Meghan want you to think of the homeless

Despite the fact Dumb and Dumber are meant to be on a break, they are still posting on Instagram, getting us to “reflect on the lonely, hungry and homeless this Christmas”.

What – like that father you abandoned, Meghan?

Tabloids speculated that Meghan may have penned the post herself, due to the wording of “festive holiday season” – a term of which we never use in the UK.

I was fascinated by this observation; Meghan? Taking control of the Sussex IG?

I, for one, thought it was a heartfelt, lovely post. I mean, a social-climbing gold-digger who has dumped anybody who couldn’t boost her profile as she clambered her way up the ladder? It’s really touching to see her utter phrases such as:

Nah, she’s taking the piss now, surely?

Tell me Meghan, what is it dear old daddy has planned for Christmas? Perhaps he’s spending it alone at home with a can of beer? Is it a takeaway Chinese and a quiet one in front of the tv? I think your dad would “appreciate the smallest act of kindness” Meghan, but I’m guessing he’s unlikely to get it from his cold-hearted bitch of a daughter.

I’ll bet the Sussexes are genuinely worried about the hungry and homeless, as they jet about the planet on their private planes and spend money like it’s water. What true humanitarians they are.

Kate takes over a royal patronage

Turning our attention back to the royals who actually do some work – it’s been announced this week that The Duchess of Cambridge has taken over a patronage from The Queen – becoming patron of Family Action – a charity Her Majesty had been patron of for 65 years.

Catherine visited the charity this week, meeting with the children who are supported by this cause and engaging in some festive activities.

“Yes, I did tell Meghan to shove a Christmas tree up her arse last week – shall we send her this one?”

This is of course a huge honour; if the Queen passes down such an important patronage to you, you know it’s because she clearly thinks highly of you – which we know she does with Catherine.

It was during this visit that Catherine also revealed that Prince Louis “follows her around everywhere” and “wants to go wherever she does.”

“Ok, let go of my hand now, I get enough of this shit at home.”

This comes off the back of a busy week, as Catherine also attended the NATO dinner held at Buckingham Palace, where attendees included the President and First Lady of the USA, as well as Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada.

Kate seemed in her element in a green Emilia Wickstead dress, clearly delighted to be part of the occasion:

“You see, I’m not too sure what NATO is, but I’ve heard there was free wine, so here I am”

But with William away, Catherine seemed more than comfortable undertaking such important events with world leaders on her own, and as usual, totally outshone everyone else.

Especially Boris – who looked as though he had certainly taken advantage of the open bar ahead of next week’s big election

Well that’s all for now folks – this coming week will see the Diplomatic Reception at Buckingham Palace on Wednesday and let’s not forget as mentioned above – that all important UK election on Thursday.

I won’t disclose who I’m voting for, for fear of being stabbed, but to my fellow UK-ers, please make sure you get out there and do your part this week… let’s sort out this political mess.

Until next time, my dears… ๐Ÿ’‹

35 thoughts on “Royal round-up: 8th December

    1. Awesome post Saffy. We know itโ€™s a big job youโ€™ve undertaken to report regularly, but so many of us look forward to it and laugh out loud. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I am so pleased to hear that you are feeling better (glass or glasses of wine can be truly medicinal)

    Thank you for this weeks blog, again you say what we are all feeling and like I have said previously, it all seems like some badly written soap opera with some characters you despise!

    I hope you have a lovely evening.
    I wait in anticipation for next weeks roundup.

    Much love ๐Ÿ’“ X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป Another excellent on point post, as always! I returned home last evening from a week in London and was sooo thrilled to hear the ding that tells me you have a new post! Yes! I canโ€™t believe the Dastardly Duo are actually in LA – you know they (she) would have called the paps! But โ˜บ๏ธ we shall see!! Have a wonderful day! Canโ€™t wait for next Sunday for more of your musings on whatโ€™s going on! Hats off to you, glad youโ€™re better and hope you relax with a bit of wine today!! ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜—

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can’t begin to imagine why we really don’t know where the dastardly duo are or even where they actually live or if they are even together not to mention is there really an Archie???? We can get to the moon but can’t keep track of these two idiots?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So glad youโ€™re fully recovered. I think Iโ€™d have allowed myself a couple of bottles never mind a few glasses. Love the post as always, you have such a diabolically British sense of humour, which is something we all need with the ongoing drama from Whinge & Sackit. Have a great rest of the week, donโ€™t work too hard and Iโ€™ll be looking forward to next Sunday for your next Royal Roundup which I shall probably enjoy with a nice glass of whiskey ๐Ÿฅƒ purely for medicinal purposes of course. ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Yay, it’s Sunday which is bad cos it’s work again tomorrow but good cos it’s the weekly update! Could you do me one little favour though, put a remind to put down my wine glass before reading, I hate to waste wine by spitting it out while laughing ๐Ÿ˜‚ Thank you x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. If Harry finds Royal life confining I can’t imagine how he’ll manage being cooped up with Meghan, Archie and his mother in law for weeks in a 3 bed, one and half bath bungalow.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Well if the gruesome twosome are over here I havenโ€™t read,seen or heard anything about it….thank goodness!!! Love the blog darling and glad youโ€™re up and about again:)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I absolutely love reading your blogs. So funny, witty, and very very true. I thank you, i always feel happy when you drop into my in box, as i know im in for a treat.

    Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s