Royal Round Up: 25th November

Happy Monday all – the first two words of which are usually not in the same sentence together.

For the 99% of you who read this blog and have been patient with my absence over the last few weeks, I would like to take a moment to thank you for your kind words and support.
As I have said on Twitter, I’ve been really poorly with a virus I picked up in Norway that left me bedridden for two weeks – not to mention the fact that I had a vile outbreak of stress-related eczema across my fingers (that has essentially rendered me handicapped in recent times) and I also had my suitcase accidentally taken from the hotel luggage hold in Oslo, further adding to my stress.

Not yours

To the other 1% who have thought it appropriate to leave rude comments demanding blog entries and expressing their annoyance at my absence while I’ve been ill, please feel free to unsubscribe. Once again, this is a hobby – not a paid job. I write because I want to, not because I’m under obligation to. And I don’t want anybody ruining that for me.

If you cannot understand that if somebody is too ill to even hold a fork and feed themselves, that they are probably unlikely to be able to write a blog post, you are clearly beyond any kind of assistance and I don’t need that kind of negativity on my blog.

Otherwise – Norway was totally beautiful and a lovely visit!

I asked the palace if they’d take Meghan, but they said no. Sorry guys.

I apologise if some of the upcoming headers are somewhat old now, but not one to miss out on sharing my thoughts (and seeing as I started drafting it a while ago and figured I might as well post it anyway), I went with the flow.

Sooo…. let’s get stuck in:

Harry goes to Japan

It seems Harry’s wife’s behaviour is rubbing off on him- no, not just behaving like a self-entitled arsehole- but also flying to other countries for sporting events.

Yep, Holiday Harry jetted off to Japan for the Rugby World Cup final a couple of weeks ago where he met some people, shook some hands (while he had both free) and genuinely enjoyed not having his wife super-glued to his side.

“Bitches on tour, yah.”

And just at the moment that he was starting to seem vaguely like his old self again while talking to a gaggle of Japanese schoolgirls, he (somewhat predictably) went and fucked it up.

These polite, poor young girls who were super excited to meet the ginger tosser (for some reason), were swiftly told to ‘fuck off’ by Harry with one small gesture, as he held up his left hand to show them his wedding ring, all because they deigned to smile and wave at him.

“Don’t you watch the news? Haven’t you seen the limpet that’s always hanging off me?”

Harry – don’t behave like your Uncle Andrew; they are essentially children, not romantically interested in you and were merely showing fangirl adoration – you didn’t need to remind them that you’re legally bound to a witch.

“One just doesn’t want to get one’s arse handed to one when one gets home, you know.”

But going back to all things rugby, Harry – clearly delighted that his wife was so far behind in the UK and couldn’t bollock him for partying, actually decided to have a little fun and even had…. a beer.

One onlooker said that they were ‘surprised’ to see Harry having a drink, as Meghan had apparently put an alcohol ban on him while she was “pregnant” and told Harry that if she was going to suffer (for nine months), so was he (for eternity).

She also made sure he gave up smoking, went on a vegan diet and took up yoga. Basically she transformed him from Henry into Henrietta.

But knowing that his wife was safely some six thousand miles away at home and couldn’t barge in at any moment, rip the pint from his hand and frogmarch him home, he decided to let his hair down (what’s left of it, anyway) and have a pint and a chinwag with the lads.

Bloody hell – makes you wonder what lengths he goes to back here in England to pop into his local for a swift half without Meg finding out.

“Just popping out to the gym, honey!”

“Oh bugger, left my umbrella at the bank – back in ten!”

“Archie’s out of nappies again? Don’t worry dear, I’ll just nip to Tesco!”

Poor fucker. Gotta get it where you can, eh Haz?

Remembrance Day Events

Quir rightly, the Royal Family represented the UK at a large number of Remembrance Day events this year, all of which were carried out beautifully. (Apart from when you were there, Meghan.)

There was the appearance Harry and Meghan made at Westminster Abbey, which was somewhat embarassing, to be quite frank.

She even wore her best bathrobe for the occasion.

Meghan, who (for an actress) didn’t manage to do a good job convincing us that she knew what she was there to do, seemed to spend a large amount of time taking cues from the dude stood behind her. This even included the arduous task of walking a few steps forward and placing a cross in the wreath.

Yes – even approaching the wreath with a cross in her hand, and having seen clearly where her husband had placed one before her, she still had to look to the guy to her left for some help. Because she couldn’t possibly have used her braincells to work this one out right?

“The fuck does this go?”
“Over here?”
“On the right.”

“I said on the right, bitch.”

She then also did the strangest head bow I’ve ever seen in my life, whereby her head was lowered one minute, and then snapped back up dramatically in a split second, as though she’d been possessed by the Queen Mother.

I’m not too sure what happened here, but I imagine she was going for some kind of “Hollywood” thing, but ended up looking more like a puppet with a sting attached to it’s neck (and a rod up her arse).

She then turned her back on the poppies as the sidled back into line next to her husband, which is a big no-no, but we’ll let that one go– walking three steps forward, dropping an object and bowing her head all proved to be difficult tasks for her to master, so let’s not place too much expectation on her delicate little shoulders.

It’s ok Meghan, there’s always next year to out-shit yourself.

But it’s ok, guys – she still had more events to fuck things up at.

On the Saturday night, there was the Remembrance Concert at the Royal Albert Hall, where she thought it appropriate to show up in a dress where her cleavage was practically pressed up against everyone’s noses.

“For the fallen, y’all!”

And of course, she made sure her hand was on her stomach again – can’t miss a big opportunity to hint that you’re pregnant, eh Megs? Or maybe it was the dodgy dinner from the McDonalds drive thru on the way in playing havoc on her intestines?

“Don’t happen to know where the bogs are, do you?”

But despite the ugly, boaty and inappropriate dress, stomach-clutching and scary gurning, Megs’s biggest test at hiding her true feelings came when she realised how far away her and her darling hubby were sat from the Real Royal Family.

“Wills, have you seen how far back they are?!”
“I know – they might as well be in LA!”

“Pair of fuckers.”

That one must’ve stung, but surely she understands?
I mean, her and Haz are usually twenty miles away from the rest of them anyway, so she should be used to it by now – and perhaps they were worried she’d do that weird thing with her head again or keep trying to get her plump midriff into every photo, so they made the necessary changes to the seating plan.

“As long as she’s not sittin’ near me, I ain’t arsed.”

And then it was Sunday, and the traditional appearance made by the BRF at the Cenotaph on White Hall, where wreaths are laid by members of the family, and a two-minute silence is held.

Her Majesty The Queen was joined by The Duchess of Cornwall and The Duchess of Cambridge on one balcony (as the current Queen and two future Queen Consorts)…

while Meghan was left to bother Sophie, Countess of Wessex on another – which I’m sure Soph was fucking thrilled with.

“No. Do NOT fucking speak to me.”

Meghan’s attire was semi-ok; she actually managed to stick to the colour theme of ‘black’ with little assistance, even if the coat was too large and the hat looked like something my grandmother would wear to sit in the sun.

And she even tried her hardest with the solemn expressions too – even if they do look more like she is trying to hold in a fart, or, y’know, remember which war they were even commemorating.

“Was it maybe the Gulf War, because – oh never mind, I’ve spotted a camera.”

Whatever happened on the Wessex/Sussex balcony, I’ll bet Kate was just super pleased she wasn’t stuck with Hollywood Ho on her own one.

“Just keep her far away from me or you’ll be commemorating World War 3 next.”

Windsor Coffee Morning

As if the residents of Windsor hadn’t suffered enough being subjected to weddings, christenings and a shitload of ridiculous orders from these two morons, they added insult to injury by showing up at a coffee morning for the Coldstream Guards and their families to talk more about themselves – and of course, show their love for the kids.

“Ok, let go of me and keep that bloody chocolate muffin away from my weave and Givenchy shirt please.”

Joining other families, who probably didn’t give a shit about their presence, the two of them proceeded to provide updates on Archie (which still, nobody gave a shit about).

But despite no one asking, they still proceeded to tell everyone that Archie now ‘had two teeth’ in his lower row of gums.

And that he has also started crawling!

Yes – can you believe it? At six months old, he is doing what other babies his age do! He eats, sleeps, crawls and shits! How wonderful to receive this exciting piece of information – I’ll sleep well tonight now.

And honestly, what is with the hypocrisy of these two? Didn’t you just earlier this year tell your neighbours to ‘get the fuck away’ from you and NOT approach you for a conversation if they saw you in the street? Or ask to see Archie? And now you’re trying to have a chat with everyone like you’re all best pals?

I can only imagine what their neighbours were thinking of them.

“When are you going to piss off back to Kensington?”

Christmas in LA?

So the original story was that Haz and Megs were heading to California for Thanksgiving this year as part of their six-week break, so that Archie could be introduced to American traditions (or some shit), but said story has apparently since changed.

Now, it has emerged that Doria will spend Thanksgiving in the UK instead and that the Sussexes will now go to the USA for Christmas, foregoing the standard Sandringham practice.

Well… there are a couple of issues with this picture.
The first one being… we don’t fucking celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK?

Secondly, in keeping with the above, Meghan and her mother are apparently going to hand out ‘Thanksgiving’ meals to the homeless, at some shelter somewhere.

After drafting the rough version of this post (some two weeks ago now), it has since changed (yet again) to a story that tells us that Harry and Meghan will now actually be attending Christmas at Sandringham after ‘a change of plans’.

Honestly, we were all looking forward to a six-week break. No new photos of Prat 1 and Prat 2 gurning and holding hands. The flag flies high above Buckingham Palace. Children can laugh and play in the streets again…. Peace and quiet. Shattered.

I’m really starting to feel at this point that it’s going to take a specially commissioned rocket to get rid of these two.

Love, NASA xo

Last appearance before break

And then we come to Holiday Harry’s ‘last appearance’ before his non-break with his family.

The visit was for charity OnSide, where dear old Hazza presented an award onstage at the Health and Wellbeing awards – seemingly the only task he undertakes these days.

“I know yah, I’m surprised I turned up too.”

He then went on to talk about Greta Thunberg, praising her for her strikes outside Swedish parliament last year, in view of protecting the climate.

Well, I’m sure Greta was just thrilled at being mentioned by Haz – a man who loves taking private jets all over the globe when it’s just himself, his wife and his baby travelling and flies to other countries for a two-hour sporting event.

“No thanks, dude.”

I’m sure the audience and charities in attendance were even more thrilled that Harry, probably getting dressed quickly in a hungover stupor, appears to have picked up some trousers from the washing basket that had remnants of last night’s kebab on them.

Or maybe he just got too excited about being out without his wife?

I guess if it’s not a red carpet event with Jay-Z and Beyonce, it’s just not worth the effort, huh?

Well of course a lot more than that has happened over the last few weeks, a lot more will occur and I fully intend to start afresh next weekend with more royal shenanigans.

Until then, sit tight, take it easy and I’ll see you next weekend!

39 responses to “Royal Round Up: 25th November”

  1. Awesome post,on point and funny as ever🤣🤣. Thank you for posting
    and I hope you are feeling much better !

  2. You know…I SWEAR the media churns out different pictures to us in the US. I did think Prince Harry looked rather disheveled getting out of the car, but that was the first I saw of the food stains! I mean, does the man not look in a mirror before he leaves the house? Also, seeing as Meaghan is so PR-conscious, I’m surprised she let him go out looking like that. Also, I don’t think we were privy to the bobbing and weaving thing with the cross. All we saw were pictures of her looking suitably solemn (for a change). I’d heard that the odd hat she wore on the balcony was a throwback to something similar Diana wore decades ago. Someone posted a side-by-side picture and her outfit is almost identical to Diana’s.

  3. Thank you for another entertaining post. I hope you are recovering from your illness. I can’t believe that some people have demanded posts when you are ill. Take care xx

  4. Glad you are feeling better. Pay no mind to the idiots. You know what they say….fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke!

  5. So much to cover and welcome back – and to the people harassing you for the blog when you’re ill, sod off.

    1. Did Harry really wave his wedding ring at some schoolgirls? I mean, the whole world knows you’re married, dude, the pair of you are welded together at every available opportunity, but that’s just crass.

    3. Festival of Remembrance – talk about social Siberia. And the drapes at the front of the Royal Box very pointedly stopping there and nothing on the next door one.

    3.. Remembrance Sunday – just loved how the camera swooped over everyone, even the crowd, and then as an afterthought, Meghan. And Sophie’s faaaaaace – no words were needed really. She’d been given baby sitting duties and MAN, was she pissed.

    4. I know you haven’t covered it, but the Prince Andrew saga. If the Queen can boot out her eldest son from all royal duties just like that she isn’t going to break sweat over Ginge and Cringe if they carry on as they are. If they had a shred of self-awareness I reckon they should be very nervous right now, because HM ain’t taking any shit.

  6. fascinatedreader avatar

    Welcome back, brilliant as always x

  7. Oh lawd have bloody mercy!

    I live in Germany and your English blog is just what the doctor ordered.

    I just found your blog and i cant stop rolling over with laughter. The dude opposite me thinks a few nuts are loose😂. Note to myself. Only ready this blog in the comfort of my home…..

    Wishing you a speedy recovery and in the meantime i will scroll to your older posts……..bring on the
    Wine ✔️

  8. Over here in the States, I am most thankful for your predictable pearls of merriment. That you created this Round Up for us while still ill endears you to us even more. You are one heck of a writer and person. Hope you’re feeling 100% real soon.

  9. I love your blog and writing style. Hope you feel much better. Cheers.

  10. You know what they say ..there’s nowt so queer as folk! Poor love hopefully you’re feeling much better now. I always look forward to your blog but figured you were otherwise on the razzle. So nice to have you back;)

  11. “this is a hobby – not a paid job. I write because I want to, not because I’m under obligation to. And I don’t want anybody ruining that for me.”
    Bravo, well said gorgeous girl 👏🏼
    I’m so glad to hear you are feeling better. Your blog is very much appreciated & I, for one, look forward to your irreverent take on all things royal … whenever they’re offered. You have a talent not many of us are blessed with.
    Glad to hear you are on the mend … & your suitcase made its way back to you … Yay 😃
    Never apologise for putting yourself (&, more importantly, your health & wellbeing) first, never, ever! (insert motherly finger wag here 😉)
    Sending love, light & blessings your way 😊💖🌎☮️

  12. Glad you’re feeling better. Any kind of work is a horrendous drag when really sick. Entitled people are so boring, not to mention annoying as well. Thanks for another good laugh at two of the world’s prats. Looking forward to your take on PA.

  13. Saffy
    You wonderful person, why would anyone be horrible to you when you were ill? It sort of beggars belief that an acrymonious question for your blog (which we ALL KNOW you do from the KINDNESS of your HEART) could just happen – sorry – not normally gobsmacked – but this has shut my brain! I hope you took ALL the TIME YOU NEEDED to GET BETTER – that your luggage has found it’s legs and is once more in your possession and Thank you for the blog. By the way – Saffy are you OK???
    Much love , healing thoughts several cats paws and the odd whisker – but no fleas on us! KKxxxxxxx

  14. Great to see you back and on top form as well! Hope you continue to feel better!

  15. littlemisshappy120 avatar

    I hope that you are feeling better.
    Great observations and verbiage as ever!
    Thank you once again for saying what majority of us are thinking.

    Have a great week ❤️

  16. Welcome back! So sorry about your travails and illness! Thank you for another wonderful column that keeps me laughing about these incompetent malcontents. I truly appreciate your taking the time, energy and wit to prepare this for us. You are a delight!

  17. Great to have you back hope you are feeling better get well soon

  18. Great blog! Glad you noticed that very weird head bow and then popped up like a cork in a pond. I could not for the life of me figure out what she was doing. Overacting maybe? Or perhaps she was pissed at having to be there. I noticed she tried to sidestep next to Harry (crowding him since he had to salute) and he had to move over to raise his arm without hitting her smirking mug. I, for one, would have loved to see his elbow smack her nose and then blood flowing forth from said orifice. But alas, he moved over to salute to spare her such a bloody mess. How does she get so many outfits so wrong all the time?

  19. So sorry to hear that you have been poorly but glad you are on the mend. Thank you for your entertaining and witty blog. Take care xx

  20. WONDERFUL to see you back! God bless! Happy Thanksgiving from one American to one non-American. Most of all, best wishes that your health is restored (along with your missing luggage) and that you have a wonderful Christmas and New Year’s.

    As for sending Meghan back to America? Well, all I can say is that if Meghan happens to go bang! in a tunnel before she lands here in LA, it wouldn’t break our hearts. But if the bitch does make her way here alive, please let her know that frankly, my dear, we Americans do NOT give a damn about her, never have and never will.

    Once again, COB, awesome to have you back and God bless!

  21. I’m glad you’re feeling better and to those that got pissy because *gasp* you were sick, well they can go pound sand! Brilliant roundup as always. Amazing that the Queen until recently was able to place a wreath and step backwards and down while megs couldn’t even manage 3 steps backwards. I wonder if her minder for that day received hazardous duty pay? As for the evening at Royal Albert Hall, she certainly tried to put the pregnancy rumors out there again. The pictures that were posted on Twitter were a real hint that the gruesome twosome are on the outs since only their page had a picture wide enough to include them. Poor Sophie and Admiral Lawrence having to share the balcony with her. I wonder if they wanted her to ” accidentally” fall over the balcony and end the long national nightmare?

    1. Sophie & Tim would have done the nation a great service!

  22. I just love your blog, always a delight to read, I laugh and laugh. Please keep doing it!!! Hope you are feeling better.

  23. As a brand new reader/follower, I just want to say how much I love reading your blog and I literally laugh out lead while I read! Glad you are on the mend and thank you so much for cracking me up every time!

  24. Hey there, another fabulous take on all the (un)royal goings on of the dastardly duo!! So fun to read and laugh really hard after a long day! So happy you are feeling better and up to entertaining us with your blog! 😃😃😃🇬🇧

  25. Glad to see you’re back but sorry to hear of your illnesses. The eczema sounds particularly painful. I can’t believe the rudeness of people. The last thing you need when you’re not well. Thanks for the continuing laughs. Don’t you wish Her Maj would fire the Sussexes, along with Andrew? We can only hope.

  26. I’m so very sorry to hear that you’ve been so ill! I hope that you are on the mend soon. I can’t believe that people are so bloody entitled and could demand content from anyone, let alone those who do it as a hobby! Anyway, I loved your newest entry as always. Your gifs are spot on. I’m so tired of these two clowns and their Remembrance Day shenanigans were impressive even for them! Meghan certainly cannot say that she had no idea because she lived in Canada for seven years and it is a BIG DEAL here.

    Thanks again for the laughs and entertainment! Get well soon!

  27. Brilliant! Glad you’re back.

  28. Hope you’re feeling better and on the mend. Your posts are always worth waiting for.

    The look on the Japanese Crown Prince’s face at the rugby with Harry makes me laugh every time I see it.

  29. Welcome back! It’s worth the wait for your post.I had a laugh of “from Henry to Henrietta” lol..I pray for your full health recovery

  30. So sorry you’ve been ill and had to endure awful comments – what did they want – for you to write with your left foot? Ooh sounds like a good title for a film!
    Anyway blog made me LOL on train. And those wonderful gifs – she really is a piece of work isn’t she?
    And that Handbag she carries round with her.

  31. Welcome back!!! We missed you! Hope you’re feeling better!

  32. Glad to know you are feeling better. Great blog, I look forward to reading it every week. You take care!

  33. So glad to see you better! I won’t bitch if you don’t get a fresh post out each week…I will reread the previous ones and continue to laugh my butt off! Sorry that my British friends are having to put up with MeAgain…you deserve so much better!! 🇬🇧

  34. So glad you are feeling better! Thank you for another brilliant post!

  35. So glad your back and on the mend. Lets hope your luggage has turned up too by now. Don’t apologise for being unwell, you do this for free and we’re all grateful for the laughs you provide us with. Keep on putting your self and your health first. Loved the blog as always, nearly peeing myself in anticipation for the next one. 👏👏🤣🤣💜💜

  36. Glad you re feeling better! As always, you are in top form. Loved every sentence and memes are spot on!

  37. I depend on your Royal Round Up to keep me up to date on this horrible couple. While Prince Andrew’s self destruction has diverted attention away from the other Royal headache that Prince Harry makes a public appearance wearing soiled trousers shows this problem is not going away.

  38. Love the story. I laughed so much. Thank you and take care of yourself.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: